Back in the days when I was still dating boys, Facebook kindly alerted me to the fact that my then-romantic interest (who I shan’t dignify with the term “boyfriend”) had taken a quiz entitled “Which non-existent fruit are you?”
Although I have done my best to forget many other aspects of our relationship, I will always recall this moment as a kind of watershed — the moment when the outrageous internet quiz announced its presence to my cultural consciousness in a sudden foreshadowing of all that was to come. No longer just for tweens absorbed in the pages of women’s magazines (see: Now and Then), the quiz had entered a new era.
I am certain that you already know your Downton Abbey alter ego (I am proud to be Mrs. Hughes) and which lesbian icon corresponds to your personality (I am even more proud to be Gertrude Stein) — now is the time to discover who you are as a journaler.
Due to my limited technological savvy, you are responsible for recording your own answers, so please, go find yourself a pencil.
1. You began journaling…
a) around the time you started finding yourself staring at girls in your pre-algebra class
b) as soon as you learned to hold a pencil/ballpoint/felt tip/quill pen
c) when you realized that high school was not actually all that similar to the musical Grease
d) after you read about its virtues in a self-help book
2. The pages of your journal are…
b) adorned with pre-printed inspirational quotations
d) graph paper
3. The cover of your journal features…
a) a letterpress print of a mustache, narwhal, or other icon of perfect quirkiness
b) a rising sun, Monet’s water lilies, and/or glitter
c) a purple- and gray-hued collage you crafted in your college’s art studio
d) the words “If lost, please return to,” followed by your name and telephone number
4. Your favorite place to journal is…
a) your bed, otherwise known as Pillow Island
b) the gorgeous verandah of the house where you are employed as an au pair for seven musically talented Swiss children
c) your neighborhood coffee haus, complete with exposed brick and tattooed baristas
d) your neatly organized desk, which you purchased at IKEA and admire for its clean Scandinavian design
5. The majority of your journal contains…
a) exhaustive accounts of ALL THE FEELINGS
b) a list of all the things you’re thankful for, along with a strawberry scone recipe you tore out of Martha Stewart Living while sitting in the waiting room at the dentist’s office
c) angst-filled descriptions of your frequent romantic conquests, followed by equally angst-filled descriptions of your similarly frequent break-ups — all illustrated in a series of abstract black-and-white photographs
d) pro-con lists, which you use to make life decisions in a calm and rational manner
6. Whenever someone asks if they can read your journal, you…
a) blush furiously and mumble something about privacy
b) jump for joy at the opportunity to show off your latest purrito collage
c) glare at them until they retreat in terror
d) hand them your notebook with no fear — every entry is penned in an unbreakable code you developed in consultation with a cooperative CIA agent
You are a BEAUTIFUL BALL OF FEELINGS. If your emotions were a skein of multi-colored handspun yarn, your diary would be the oversized sweater you knitted using it. Writing about your feelings allows you to process effectively–but your mother has been known to accuse you of excessive wallowing now and then.
You are a CUDDLY OPTIMIST. The sun shines from the pages of your diary, as you make plans, appreciate small victories, and pet every puppy that frolics past your apartment building. While some may find your eternal sunshine irritating, know that Pharrell and these ASL superstars approve of your happy journaling philosophy!
You are a DARKLY ARTISTIC SOUL. Your philosophy is that a journal is a place to express yourself — in any and every medium. While your ex-girlfriend may not have appreciated the series of sketches you devoted to documenting the development of her cold sore, you are confident that someday that series—and your entire collection of notebooks — will be on display in the galleries of the MoMa.
You are a BEACON OF RATIONALITY. For you, journaling is a means to the end of world domination. Other journalers admire your for your razor-sharp mind and excessively neat handwriting — and politely pretend they don’t know you have a Tumblr where you post cat videos and GIFs from Pretty Little Liars.
Share your results, reactions, and quibbles in the comments! Did this highly scientific quiz get you all wrong? All right?
Dear Queer Diary is a column about the joys (and occasionally, the pains) of journaling. We crack open our tiny notebooks and break out the rainbow-colored pens on the regular, so get ready to limber up your writing hands and document all your beautiful feelings!
Header by Rory Midhani