BREAKING: Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne “Make Out” At A Knicks Game

Breaking news broke today that yesterday evening, while attending a basketball-centric sporting event in the fine city of New York, recently-out actress Michelle Rodriguez and her very attractive companion, model Cara Delevingne, engaged in drunken antics including but not limited to posing for selfies, slouching and “making out.”

Don't look right now, but I'm pretty sure Ben Affleck is standing behind me trying to sniff my hair

Don’t turn around right now but there is a zombie behind you trying to eat your hair

The New York Daily News editorialized the event by headlining “Michelle Rodriguez makes spectacle of herself” for their hard-hitting piece on the Legendary Canoodle. Many anonymous queer women, speaking to me telepathically over the internet, declared that “this is the best spectacle I have seen since the Spectacular Spectacular in Moulin Rouge.” Others disagreed, preferring the classic film’s “Spectacular Spectacular” to two attractive women smoking e-cigarettes while dressed like high-fashion interpretations of “life after death.”

Whoah bro you're like the fucking caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland right now

Whoah bro you’re like the fucking caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland right now

The Daily News noted that Rodriguez was “clearly intoxicated” and “was caught on camera in the steamy session during the fourth quarter of the game.” Furthermore, they report that “her antics elicited jeers and cheers as spectators watched in amusement.”

Yes, yes, that's it, just keep rubbing right there...

Yes, yes, that’s it, just keep rubbing right there…

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Independent research confirms that The Knicks, much like All of Lesbiankind, won last night’s game. Despite my personal lifelong dedication to The Detroit Pistons, I am not mad at this situation.

LET THE FINGERBANGING BEGIN!

LET THE FINGERBANGING BEGIN!

Refinery29 offered a more liberal and exciting version of the event, noting “legs and arms were akimbo, hair was messed up, and sitting upright in a chair seemed nigh impossible. All in all, the two seemed to enjoy mugging for the paps and getting their smooch on, which is totally kosher — except for the poor saps who were stuck sitting behind them.”

Ugh, MEN

Ugh, Brittney Griner could run circles around these fools

“There was action on the court, for sure, but the real action was in the stands,” writes colorful newspaper USA Today.

Sweet lord your shampoo smells like strawberries in a meadow

Sweet lord your shampoo smells like strawberries in a meadow

Despite reports from several reputable news sources that M-Rod and C-Dev were “making out,” we cannot locate photographic evidence of any tongue-kissing or breast-grabbing occurring at the game. Entertainment Weekly has referred to the romantic interactions between the pair as a “sloppy kiss.”

Whaddya say after this we go home and make sex videos to accompany all 15 tracks on Beyonce's new album

Whaddya say after this we go home and watch Bette/Tina fanvids on YouTube and update our social justice tumblrs

Some photographs do suggest that tongue-kissing made its way onto their salacious agenda. Ethically shaky website Perez Hilton confirms “Yes, with tongue!”

This was the night Michelle and Cara finally learned that you can't do blowbacks with e-ciggarettes

This was the night Michelle and Cara finally learned that you can’t do blowbacks with e-cigarettes

At some point during the game, Michelle Rodriguez placed a voodoo spell on an unidentified white male.

Hell yeah I'm a slayer

Hell yeah I’m a slayer

Following the invigorating basketball game, the two women were spotted practicing a unique fusion of Tae-Bo and The Self-Defense Class I Took In Girl Scouts outside the arena.

Hey bro can you check the size on this boot I might have to exchange it for something a little bigger

We call this the “Pre-Scissoring Warm Up and Stretch Out”

Although there is no official word on Cara’s sexual orientation, she has previously enjoyed innocent lip-locks with other females such as Sienna Miller and Miley Cyrus, and has entertained lesbionic rumors concerning her friendships with Rita Ora and Rihanna.

MORE TONGUE!

MORE TONGUE!

Michelle Rodriguez recently disclosed her attraction for women to Entertainment Weekly in a groundbreaking move that garnered a significant amount of traffic to this website. The exact nature of her relationship with Cara remains characterized as “a friendship,” but many straight women have noted that sexual orientation would not impede their desire to engage in tribadism with Ms. Rodriguez.

If any further developments occur, you can rest assured that we will be “on it,” much like M-Rod’s leg was “on” C-Dev’s leg last night.

 

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2838 articles for us.

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