No Filter: We’re Loving Cameron Esposito’s Queer Pregnancy Content

feature image photo of Cameron Esposito via Cameron’s Instagram

Hello and welcome back to No Filter! This is the place where I tell you what our favorite queer celebrities are up to this week, via IG! Let’s go!


What I love about this is not only it is a great bit, but the commitment to the look! I think the mules are really the finishing touch here!


This is very sweet and is making me realize I have zero idea what this movie is about?


Oh look, its me here! Loving love!


The couples that dance together will inherit the Earth!


I must admit that I am in fact unclear what “glowing happy flowers” could mean, but I support it either way!


Nothing like a hottie drippin in jewels! This rocks!


Favorite kind of celebrity post is easily the kind where they just post hot pics of themselves as motivation. I feel motivated!


Cheesy scallion Pancakes? Say WAYYYY less!


I am SURE you didn’t think the Betts anniversary content would stop coming, just because their anniversary is over??


We don’t even know where they are!!!


Making more hits for me, that’s what I like to see!


I am seventeen and I am afraid of King Princess!


GIMME A HOOPS DREAM WITH TRACE!


Everything old is new! I could have SWORN this was Britney!


This is real love, to me! Fake flavors and everything!


Hannah keeps being the realest!


GET MEG EVERY SPON CON DEAL AVAILABLE, NOW!

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Christina Tucker

Christina Tucker is writer and podcaster living in Philadelphia. Find her on Twitter or Instagram!

Christina has written 369 articles for us.

40 Films Featuring Transmasc Characters

Catching up on trans movies used to be easier when they were few and far between. It’s a good problem to have that so many narrative features have cropped up with an array of transmasculine characters. Though there are way fewer of them in narrative films than there are transfeminine characters, I did compile 45 transmasculine characters in 40 films that are worth taking a look at, even if their roles are small.

As we go down the list chronologically, the shift from transmasculine roles being played by presumably cis women only to the occasional cis man to actual trans actors is very noticeable. Hooray!

But there is also a huge, monstrous gap in specifically Black trans male representation that I found maddening. There are almost none in film outside the documentary space (The Aggressives, for example). Most working Black trans male actors like Logan Rozos, Marquise Vilson, and Brian Michael Smith see massive success on television or in short films. And in the example of 2015’s Tell Me Sweet Something, a rom-com out of South Africa, Thishiwe Ziqubu won awards for playing the lead’s best friend, but he was not out as a trans man at the time, nor was the character transmasculine.

As another aside: There are transmasc actors who have roles that are basically unnamed, such as Becca Blackwell in both Bros and A Marriage Story, or who are not in the credits at all so their identities were hard to track down. (If this is you and I skipped you, comment below!) Jordan Gonzalez is also about to appear in The Long Walk this month, but that will be released on September 12.

So on to the list!


Sylvia Scarlett (1935)

Katharine Hepburn as Sylvia

Sylvia Scarlett (1935) Katharine Hepburn as Sylvia

Sylvia (Katharine Hepburn) is a con artist who crossdresses as a man named “Sylvester,” only to end up sexually confusing both Cary Grant and Brian Aherne. Unfortunately Sylvia Scarlett is one of the most famous flops of the 1930s due in part to its exploration of gender. The world wasn’t ready for Hepburn in pants, let alone in full drag. Sylvia isn’t textually trans, but she keeps dressing as a man even after it’s not necessary to the plot for her to do so.

Vera (1986)

Ana Beatriz Nogueira as Bauer

Vera (1986) Ana Beatriz Nogueira as Bauer

Vera is a Brazilian film following a trans man (played by Ana Beatriz Nogueira) in a correctional facility for troubled youth who navigates institutional oppression and love during transition in the 80s. I confess I haven’t seen this one, but its early release date makes it worth mentioning for trans film history, even if it does not have a happy ending.

Boys Don’t Cry (1999)

Hilary Swank as Brandon

Boys Don’t Cry (1999) Hilary Swank as Brandon

Boys Don’t Cry traumatized many of us, so I understand why it might be a skip for some. (After seeing it once in college, I’m good for life.) Brandon Teena, a young trans man in Nebraska, looks for love and acceptance and finds violence and transphobia. This “true” story raised visibility, but at the cost of a lot of trans men’s comfort, mental health, and ability to find support for their transition that didn’t include fears of inevitable tragedy.

By Hook Or By Crook (2001)

Harry Dodge as Valentine and Silas Howard as Shy

By Hook Or By Crook (2001) Harry Dodge as Valentine and Silas Howard as Shy

Co-directed and co-starring trans icons Harry Dodge and Silas Howard, this DIY buddy film centers the guys’ friendship as they get up to hijinks and commit petty crimes to survive. This is one of my absolute favorite trans man films with two of my favorite trans man characters.

Itty Bitty Titty Committee (2007)

Lauren Mollica as Aggie

Itty Bitty Titty Committee (2007) Lauren Mollica as Aggie

Directed by But I’m A Cheerleader’s Jamie Babbit, this third wave feminist satire about an activist collective includes a trans masculine character named Aggie (skater Lauren Mollica). He gets a pass on being part of the group for girls for “being born with a clit.” When he initially faces a misunderstanding about being a cis man, he clarifies he’s not offended. He’s used to people being confused. Over the course of the film, he falls for our lead Anna after a one-night-stand, but she doesn’t return his feelings.

Romeos (2011)

Rick Okon as Lukas

Romeos (2011) Rick Okon as Lukas

Romeos is a German film about Lukas, a young trans man who falls for a cis gay man he meets in the Cologne gay scene. The guy, Fabio, doesn’t know he’s trans and Lukas worries about revealing it. At the same time, Fabio has his own secrets — namely that he’s not out to his family. Lukas is played, in this rare instance, by a cis actor named Rick Okon. I haven’t seen this one, but online reviews make mention of some suspension of disbelief around the immediacy of the effects of taking testosterone, and you know, the trope of coming out to a cis gay man and facing some rejection.

Albert Nobbs (2011)

Glenn Close as Albert and Janet McTeer as Hubert

Albert Nobbs (2011) Glenn Close as Albert and Janet McTeer as Hubert

This was one of the first “trans man” stories I ever remember seeing, particularly because Glenn Close was nominated for an Oscar that year. Close plays an AFAB person who has spent three decades living as a man in 19th-century Dublin to work as a butler in a wealthy household. When his new roommate (another AFAB person living as a man) Hubert discovers Albert is also a “woman,” he asks “What’s your name?” Albert tells him it’s Albert. “Your real name,” he presses. “Albert,” he replies.

Facing Mirrors (2011)

Shayesteh Irani as Eddie

Facing Mirrors (2011) Shayesteh Irani as Eddie

Facing Mirrors is an Iranian film about the fraught friendship between a conservative woman Rana (Gazal Shakeri) who drives a cab and the trans man she picks up one day. Rana needs money to pay her imprisoned husband’s bail. Eddi (Shayesteh Irani) is desperately waiting for his passport so he can leave the country. An unlikely team-up ensues.

Predestination (2014)

Sarah Snook as “The Unmarried Mother”

Predestination (2014) Sarah Snook as “The Unmarried Mother”

This one is wild! Based on a Robert Heinlein short story, Predestination is a sci-fi thriller with a big time-loop and an intersex character whose life spans multiple decades. (I’m trying hard not to spoil anything.) If nothing else, it stars Sarah Snook pre-Succession in a role that revealed her incredible talent. Go into this one ready to feel insane.

Two 4 One (2014)

Gavin Crawford as Adam

Two 4 One (2014) Gavin Crawford as Adam

This Canadian rom-com is about Adam, a trans man who agrees to help impregnate his ex-girlfriend with donor sperm but then accidentally somehow also becomes pregnant from the same vial. I haven’t seen it, but online reviews say that premise could be played entirely for laughs but the movie goes for a lot of tenderness, too. This is another example of a trans man being played by a cis male actor. We’re close to getting it right, but progress is unfortunately nonlinear.

3 Generations (2015)

Elle Fanning as Ray

3 Generations (2015) Elle Fanning as Ray

There was a lot of controversy around this one, because the conversation around trans people playing trans roles had started around the same time. The director also had to walk back comments about the character essentially being a girl badly mimicking a boy. (She later said she was talking about the actress, not the character. Hm.) Elle Fanning plays Ray, a trans boy navigating medical transition and family disapproval while living with his mother (Naomi Watts) and his lesbian grandmother (Susan Sarandon). It’s pretty paint-by-numbers and enforces boring stereotypes, but at least we get lesbian Susan Sarandon.

Apricot Groves (2016)

Narbe Vartan as Aram

Apricot Groves (2016) Narbe Vartan as Aram

Apricot Groves is an Armenian-Iranian film about a trans man coming to Armenia from the US to marry his girlfriend. I haven’t seen it, but I read about the controversy surrounding it. Initially, the film had the support of the Armenian government but, upon completion, director Pouria Heidary Oureh said the movie was cancelled from local film festivals and theatrical runs due to bigotry.

Adam (2019)

Leo Sheng as Ethan

Adam (2019) Leo Sheng as Ethan

When a cis teen boy is mistaken for a trans man by a lesbian he has a crush on, he just goes with it. Based on an extremely controversial novel by Ariel Schrag, the movie version was directed by trans director Rhys Ernst with an eye to how the trans storyline was derided by readers of the book. The film stars Bobbi Salvör Menuez, a non-binary actor who played the lead before coming out as trans, and features trans actor Leo Sheng as one of Adam’s friends.

Cowboys (2020)

Sasha Knight as Joe

Cowboys (2020) Sasha Knight as Joe

Cowboys centers on Joe (Sasha Knight), a trans boy in rural Montana, and his father Troy (Steve Zahn). After Joe relays his desire to get away from his disapproving and transphobic mother, the two go on a road trip to Canada. In his debut film, Sasha Knight absolutely crushes this very emotional role as an out trans actor! At 10 years old! The future is bright.

Rūrangi (2020)

Elz Carrad as Caz

Rūrangi (2020) Elz Carrad as Caz

Rūrangi is a film out of New Zealand about a trans man who returns home only to be met with anger from his father about his transition and missing his mother’s funeral among other issues. Lead actor Elz Carrad told the press that prior to working on this movie, he’d never met another transmasculine person.

A Good Man (2020)

Noemie Merlant as Benjamin

A Good Man (2020) Noemie Merlant as Benjamin

A Good Man is a French drama about trans man Benjamin who, when his partner discovers she can’t carry their child, decides to go through with a pregnancy for them both. He’s treated terribly by almost everyone in the movie, including his partner, his friend, and medical staff (who make him cry in his stirrups). Ben is played by actress Noemie Merlant in a beard, which is…a choice.

When Men Were Men (2021)

Izzi Rojas as Kieran

When Men Were Men (2021) Izzi Rojas as Kieran

This Irish indie about a trans boy named Kieran (non-binary actor Izzi Rojas) retreads the storyline of a trans boy falling for a cis gay named Egan, who does not know he’s trans. Kieran gets to be himself around Egan (played by non-binary actor Aidan Dick) and while he acts with his theater troupe, but he suffers transphobic abuse from his religious parents at home. It hits all the beats, but this time Irish.

West Side Story (2021)

iris menas as Anybodys 

West Side Story (2021) iris menas as Anybodys 

In this remake of the 1961 classic, non-binary actor iris menas (stylized lower case) plays Anybodys, the tomboy character who wants to join the Jets. Anybodys has long read as queer for dressing like a guy and wanting to be around the boys, but this is the first time he’s played by a trans actor as an explicitly trans character. As far as I read, this version of Anybodys was the first trans character in a Disney-related film.

The Matrix: Resurrections (2021)

Leo Sheng as Bobbi

The Matrix: Resurrections (2021) Leo Sheng as Bobbi

In this fourth installment of The Matrix franchise, Leo Sheng plays Bobbi, the secretary of Neo’s “character” at the video game company. It’s a tiny role but a fun inclusion from the Wachowskis. The directing duo have both come out as trans since the original movies were released, and they have hinted at the trans themes of the concept. Apparently, the character of Switch in the earlier movies was meant to be trans, but according to star Keanu Reeves, this aspect was axed by the studio. Sheng’s Bobbi is a sly nod to a well-known trans actor from a trans directing duo.

The People’s Joker (2022)

Kane Distler as Jason “Mr. J” Todd

The People’s Joker (2022) Kane Distler as Jason “Mr. J” Todd

The People’s Joker, one of my favorite movies, features a T4T couple based on Todd Phillip’s Joker called Joker the Harlequin (Vera Drew) and James Gunn’s Joker called Jason Todd (Kane Distler) respectively. A queer and trans reimagining of Joker/Batman mythology, the movie follows a trans woman comedian navigating comedic censorship and a relationship with her narcissistic mother. Her romance with Jared Leto’s Joker helps Joker the Harlequin come out as a trans woman, even though in the end the pairing is toxic as fuck.

L’immensità (2022)

Luana Giuliani as Andrea

L'immensità (2022) Luana Giuliani as Andrea

This Italian drama by trans writer/director Emanuele Crialesein is about the relationship between Clara (Penelope Cruz) and her child Andrea (Luana Giuliani) after Andrea comes out as trans. Set in the 1970s, Crialesein based the story on his own childhood as a trans kid and his relationship with his mother after coming out.

A Man Called Otto (2022)

Mack Bayda as Malcolm

A Man Called Otto (2022) Mack Bayda as Malcolm

This Tom Hanks dramedy is about a man who can not complete suicide no matter how hard he tries (among other plotlines). It includes a small but notable role for trans actor Mack Bayda as Malcolm, a former student of Otto’s deceased wife. Malcolm tells Otto that his wife was the first teacher to call him by his name at school. Otto softens. Eventually, Otto gives Malcolm a place to stay and tells him that his father not accepting him for being trans makes him “an idiot.”

Women Talking (2022)

August Winter as Melvin

Women Talking (2022) August Winter as Melvin

The intense Mennonite drama from Sarah Polley features Melvin, a trans man in the community who sits in to take notes as the female members discuss what to do about the men who have been raping them. Melvin is the caretaker for the children of the colony, and after his own unimaginable trauma, chooses only to speak to them. The whole film is a trigger warning, and Melvin’s story is also very tragic.

They/Them (2022)

Theo Germaine as Jordan

They/Them (2022) Theo Germaine as Jordan

Theo Germaine goes up against evil Kevin Bacon in this conversion therapy camp horror movie. Germaine’s Jordan is the film’s non-binary hero but does one of my least favorite horror tropes – they get the gun but don’t take the shot. The film got mixed reviews for other reasons, but Germaine’s performance was praised.

Crush (2022)

James Tom as Aya

James Tom in Crush

In this Hulu teen romantic comedy, James Tom plays Aya, a non-binary hunk at school. (James was acting under a different name at the time.) Aya is a social media star and playboy, turning the sad queer teenager narrative on its head. Comedian Tom’s off-Broadway show “Less Lonely” was produced by fellow trans man actor Elliot Page.

T-Blockers (2023)

Iris Mcerlean as Danny

T-Blockers (2023) Iris Mcerlean as Danny

Trans Australian director Alice Maio MacKay fills out the casts of her campy horror films with trans actors from across the spectrum. Iris Mcerlean appears in T-Blockers, this really fun take on Buffy The Vampire Slayer meets Gregg Araki.

Wendell & Wild (2022)

Sam Zelaya as Raúl Cocolotl

Wendell & Wild (2022) Sam Zelaya as Raúl Cocolotl

Wendell & Wild is a stop-motion animated gothic comedy horror film from Henry Selick of Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline fame. It was written and stars the one and only Jordan Peele. (Talk about horror clout!) Sam Zelaya voices Raúl, a friend to main character Kat who gets involved in all her demon shenanigans. Raúl is the first trans character to appear in a stop-motion animated film, and Zelaya said in interviews he was proud of this breakthrough, but a little scared of all the visibility, especially living in the UK.

Evil Dead Rise (2023)

Morgan Davies as Danny

Evil Dead Rise (2023) Morgan Davies as Danny

This fifth installment of the horror classic Evil Dead series features Morgan Davies as Danny, a quirky big brother whose sister and mother are consumed by demons. Danny is never explicitly labeled as trans, but Davies has been out since he was 13 years old. I have not seen the Evil Dead series (Sorry!) but I included this one because there’s no indication Danny isn’t trans. (And because my horror fan friends wanted me to.)

Mutt (2023)

Lío Mehiel as Feña

Mutt (2023) Lio Mehiel as Fena

This atmospheric New York indie follows Feña, a young trans man, across one intense day navigating his relationship with his younger half-sister who has cut class, his messy unfinished business with his ex-boyfriend, and his stressful opportunity to finally impress his disapproving father by picking him up from the airport in a car. It’s a star-making turn for the immensely talented Mehiel.

Talk To Me (2023)

Zoe Terakes as Hayley

Talk To Me (2023) Zoe Terakes as Hayley

In 2023, out trans actor Zoe Terakes appeared as Hayley in Talk To Me, a super successful horror movie out of Australia. In the film, I clocked that Hayley is addressed with they/them pronouns, though they are never explicitly labeled trans. In my opinion, the pronouns are enough. Kuwait banned the film for Terakes’ inclusion citing transness, seemingly the first time a country has banned a movie specifically because of a trans actor. “I’m a trans actor who happened to get the role,” they said, expressing disappointment over the ban.

Fanfic (2023)

Alin Szewczyk as Tosiek

Fanfic (2023) Alin Szewczyk as Tosiek

Fanfic (aka Fanfik in Polish) is a coming of age film about Tosiek, a trans teen who comes out while also falling in love with a classmate named Leon. I have not seen this one, but it’s cool that Tosiek is played by non-binary actor Alin Szewczyk, who became the first out trans actor to play a trans role in Polish film history.

Close To You (2023)

Elliot Page as Sam

Close To You (2023) Elliot Page as Sam

Close To You stars Elliot Page as Sam, a trans man returning home for the first time since transition. The film, Page’s first since 2017, was shot with a handheld camera and natural light. Some hour-long scenes were improvised based on a dialogue-less script. It’s a unique spin on an old trans storyline, and Page said he felt like he disappeared into each scene.

Chestnut (2023)

Chella Man as Jason

Chestnut (2023) Chella Man as Jason

A recent college graduate named Annie (Natalia Dyer) remains in her hometown for the summer and becomes entangled in a love triangle with a couple she meets at a bar. Throughout Chestnut, Annie kind of falls for the woman in the couple, Tyler, wanting her to go to LA with her. Things get messy from there. Trans actor and filmmaker Chella Man plays her friend Jason, a classic in the romantic drama genre who is there mostly to be like, “Girl, what the hell are you thinking?”

Summer Solstice (2023)

Bobbi Salvor Menuez as Leo

Summer Solstice (2023) Bobbi Salvor Menuez as Leo

It’s the future! Bobbi Salvör Menuez from Adam is now out as trans. What a journey. In this buddy comedy film, a trans man actor named Leo (Menuez) embarks on a road trip with his cis straight female friend through upstate New York. Of course, because the two have a long history, tensions arise. I haven’t seen this one yet because it did the festival circuit, but anything with a trans road trip is on my list.

Carnage For Christmas (2024)

Iris Mcerlean as Barry

Carnage For Christmas (2024) Iris Mcerlean as Barry

Another Alice Maio MacKay joint, edited by The People’s Joker’s Vera Drew, which turns a Christmas story into a camp slasher. Iris plays Barry in this film, which is about a true crime podcaster up against a ghost re-enacting the murders of a historical serial killer. It’s super fun and cool that MacKay reuses trans actors in her films.

Castration Movie Anthology i. The Fear of Having No One to Hold at the End of the World (2024)

Magda Baker as Rocco

Magda

In Louise Weard’s epic series of films, which began with Castration Movie Anthology I, singer/songwriter Magda Baker plays Rocco. In one of my favorite scenes in the film, he takes out his pre-top surgery chest and talks about his experience of waiting so long to have surgery. Later in the film, we see Baker/Rocco taking off his bandages at the doctor’s office with real stitches and a genuine thrilled reaction. It’s iconic. (Sidenote: Both Alice MacKay and Vera Drew also appear in this film.)

Desire Lines (2024)

Aden Hakimi as Amad, Theo Germaine as Kieran and Em Modaff as Lev

Desire Lines (2024) Aden Hakimi as Amad, Theo Germaine as Kieran and Em Modaff as Lev

Desire Lines is a hybrid narrative film and documentary following an Iranian-American trans man researching trans male history at an LGBT archive. Amad (Aden Hakimi), framed by real interviews with trans men, is trying to figure out his own desires by digging into the past. 

We Forgot To Break Up (2024)

Lane Webber as Evan

We Forgot To Break Up (2024) Lane Webber as Evan

In this mockumentary about an indie band in the early 2000s Toronto music scene, Lane Webber plays the band’s frontman Evan. As the film tracks the band’s rise from high school to their big break, everything is threatened when Evan and two bandmates get into a love triangle. Evan’s good looks and transness get the attention of record labels, and it all starts to give him a heinous ego. Classic band drama.

I Saw The TV Glow (2024)

Jack Haven as Maddy

I Saw The TV Glow (2024) Jack Haven as Maddy

While Jack Haven shot this film under his deadname, the character he plays is pretty heavily implied to be some form of trans masculine. Queer teenager Maddy befriends another trans allegory-esque teen named Owen (played by Justice Smith). She disappears and reappears after a long while, born anew and claiming the TV show that they’re both obsessed with is real. She also tells Owen not to call her “Maddy” anymore. Directed by trans director Jane Schoenbrun, Maddy’s gender is left ambiguous which opens up theories as to whether Maddy could be non-binary, transmasculine, or genderqueer.

One Of Them Days (2025)

Rizi Timane as Uche

One Of Them Days (2025) Rizi Timane as Uche

Nigerian-American actor Rizi Timane plays Uche, the landlord whose demand for the rent sets off the entire kooky plot of this Keke Palmer and SZA buddy comedy. Uche is unmoved by Dreux’s (Palmer) claim that her roommate Alyssa (SZA) paid it, and also by the fact that Alyssa let her unreliable boyfriend handle the payment. (Spoiler he did not give the money to Uche.) Timane’s shiny bald head also leads to Palmer’s incredible line delivery of the semi-compliment, “You’re looking alopecious today.”

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Gabe Dunn

Gabe (he/him) is a queer, trans writer and director whose most recent film GRINDR BABY was selected for Frameline Festival’s 2023 Voices. He is a best-selling author thrice-over, host of the podcasts The Knew Guys, Just Between Us and Bad With Money. As a TV writer, he has sold over a dozen TV shows to networks like FX, Freeform, and Netflix. His young adult sci-fi drama Apocalypse Untreated was released by Audible Originals in 2020. His latest TV project The Daring Life and Dangerous Times of Eve Adams is in development at Universal with Gabe set to write and produce.

Gabe has written 29 articles for us.

TIFF 2025: Jodie Foster Speaks French, Impregnates a Woman in ‘A Private Life’

Drew Burnett Gregory is back at TIFF, reporting with queer movie reviews from one of the world’s most prestigious film festivals. Follow along for her coverage of the best in LGBTQ+ cinema and beyond.


If Jodie Foster was your therapist, would you maintain doctor/patient boundaries? Or would you try your best to flirt? Would your partner seethe with jealousy whenever you spoke of her? Would you dream of a connection that transcended the couch, transcended time itself? Rebecca Zlotowski’s A Private Life presents a sort of twisted wish fulfillment for lesbians everywhere: Jodie Foster is your therapist and she’s taken on your death as her personal cause.

Foster plays Dr. Lilian Steiner, an American psychiatrist whose life and practice have long been in Paris. When her patient of nine years (Virginie Efira) suddenly dies by suicide, she begins to suspect the true cause might be murder. Her time playing detective leads her to reconnect with her ex-husband, confront a fractured relationship with her son, aaaand to a hypnotist who suggests Lilian and her patient were lovers in a past life, Lilian impregnated her, and then the patient died tragically in Nazi-occupied France.

The last few years have brought a renaissance of sorts for Foster who secured an Oscar nomination for NYAD and an Emmy win for True Detective: Night Country. Her work here is even better. As a rational woman spiraling into the irrational, Foster is remarkable. She plays the film’s shifting tones perfectly adding humor and pathos often to the same moments. Even when the plot loses focus, Foster grounds the film reminding the viewer that the genre stylings and past life hijinks are cover for a simple human story.

The last time director and co-writer Rebecca Zlotowski teamed up with an English speaking movie star, she gave Natalie Portman one of her few masterpieces with the underrated Planetarium. There’s a freedom and an intimacy to Zlotowski’s work that these stars would be hard-pressed to find in Hollywood. It opens something up in them bringing out their very best.

In general, Zlotowski’s work is often taken for granted. Other than her bombastic scores and soundtracks — Talking Heads’ “Psychokiller” is used particularly well here — Zlotowski approaches cinema with a gentle touch. There’s a lightness to her work, even when dealing with suicide and murder, its depth and devastation hidden in only a couple lines of dialogue or a single frame.

Her previous film, Other People’s Children, explored the connection between a woman and her boyfriend’s daughter. Here, she takes on another intimate relationship that’s hard to define: the one between a therapist and their patients. There’s a fascination with the way someone can know another person so well and yet not at all. Zlotowski seems to suggest this speaks to something beyond psychiatry: Can anyone really know the entirety of another?

Lillian’s mystery-solving ultimately does more to restore her former heteronormative bliss than to open up reincarnated queerness. But the lack of on-screen queerness is less important than one of our great living queer performers receiving a role with this much depth and opportunity. And how straight can a movie really be if it’s about the blurred boundaries of therapy with a gender-swapping time traveling romance?

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. Her writing can also be found at Letterboxd Journal, Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Into, Refinery29, and them. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Instagram.

Drew has written 749 articles for us.

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‘How Do I Heal From This Prolonged Breakup and Is Repair Possible?’

Q:

In 2021, I moved to London for university. After a lonely first year, I made friends and eventually formed a deep friendship with someone in my course. We clicked right away and quickly became inseparable (with boundaries). For nearly two years, we were close, and I genuinely thought I’d found a part of my emotional home in them.

In 2024, things shifted. I started sleeping over more often, and I caught real, grounded feelings-feelings that made me realise how much I’d faked or forced attraction in the past. But they’re aspec, and while part of me hoped, I didn’t expect reciprocation. I eventually told them I had a crush and needed more physical and emotional boundaries. They said they weren’t interested romantically but didn’t want to lose me. I tried to return to “just friends,” even though the lines were increasingly blurry.

Eventually, after graduation, they told me they did have romantic feelings and how this felt new to them. We had a brief, intense relationship-but it came with an expiration date. They said they couldn’t do long distance but wanted to talk when they visited me in South Africa later that year with the potential of a “future.” I agreed.

Things got messier. They fell into depression, I spiralled into what I imagine a manic episode feels like, and our communication became strained and painful, though there were still fun and enjoyable moments. They said the relationship felt like a dream they couldn’t return to and that the idea of calling someone a partner terrified them. I wrote many emotional letters, full of longing, and while I meant well, I now recognise I wasn’t respecting their boundaries.

When they visited South Africa, they met my friends and family. I cried more than I ever had, but somehow the visit still went well. We had fewer misunderstandings, fewer long confusing texts. They seemed happy and expressed that as well. I thought maybe we were on good terms.

When they returned home, their messages became less frequent and less emotional. I told myself not to overthink or catastrophise and tried to be okay with their distance. I remembered that they had once said they liked hearing updates, even if they didn’t reply. So I kept sending light-hearted ones.

Then one day, I acknowledged the hurt I had caused them and how much I now understood it. They said they felt disconnected. We agreed to stop texting and just talk on the phone. That evening, they called and said they needed four months of no contact. I felt like I left my body. I begged and tried to negotiate, but they were clear: it had to be four months, on their terms.

Those four months were hard. I made new friends and focused on growth, but deep down I still framed it as becoming someone they could feel safe being close to again. When the time was up, I hoped we’d start slowly rebuilding.

Instead, they called to say they didn’t think we could be friends anymore-although they hoped maybe one day we would be. They said they missed me but couldn’t risk that kind of emotional pain again. I was devastated. Since then, they’ve blocked me-and even some of my friends. It’s been three months since that finality.

I know I crossed boundaries at times-overtexting, over-explaining, panicking when I felt distant from them. I tried to repair, but maybe too late. I’m still holding grief, confusion, and some hope.

Logically, I get it. I know I was reactive and emotionally dependent at times. But I also know there was real love and joy, even in the mess.

My questions are:

Does a prolonged breakup like this mean we’ll never be friends again?

Is repair even if not now possible? (and I know focusing on myself is the priority right now but these thoughts won’t leave my mind)Is it unhealthy to keep hoping for that, or is it okay to still care?

How do I hold space for caring about someone who’s made it clear they need distance, without losing myself?

How do I let go but allow uncertainty in a way that doesn’t make it overly pessimistic or over idealistic?

I’ve had people tell me I need to move on completely-and they’re probably right. But part of me still believes there was real love here, and that maybe, someday, that means something.

Any clarity or honesty you can offer would mean the world. Thanks for any advice.

A:

Heartbreak and longing in South Africa? Are you me?

Firstly, I have to thank you for the detailed account of what you’re going through. It’s always easier for me to write to someone when I have feelings and memories to anchor myself to. You’ve given me plenty, and the one thing that comes out most strongly is that you still deeply love this person.

So let me tell you that you can show them love by letting them go. One day at a time. That’s my central thesis. It’s helpful that you gave me concrete questions. I’ll argue my point out as I respond to each.

Can you ever be friends again?

You understandably want to know if you two can ever be friends again after a breakup. I’ve always believed that barring abusive or unethical behavior, there’s always room for friendship after the fallout. The real question is can you two maintain a friendship after your breakup?

There’s no average person on Earth. Enough people put together make an average, but no single person is the average. The relationships I’ve seen turn into lasting friendships tend to have qualities in common after they separate. Shared hobbies. A mutual interest in continued contact. Resolution of misdeeds. Certainty in the future. Emotional disentanglement. These are the sorts of things that link exes together without tying them to each other.

It also helps if the relationship didn’t end on firm no-contact or blocked communications. I get that your ex (that’s what they are.) left a possible door open for friendship at one point, but they’ve shut it. Blocking you and mutual friends on their comms? Telling you directly that they don’t see a friendship? I don’t see clearer signs that a friendship is not on the cards for a long time. And if a friendship is ever feasible, it will have to be on their terms. They built the boundary. If you try to tear it down, it’s another boundary violation. There’s no friendship here unless they act on it. And all evidence points to them not wanting friendship for the foreseeable future.

Is repairing this possible?

I can give you a firm maybe when it comes to eventually rebuilding a friendship. See my previous point about how your ex has to initiate the process.

Closer to the point, I’m seeing in you what I see in myself when I’m on the receiving end of a hard breakup. I replay good memories on loop while being miserable. I sit with my feelings, and they eat me up on the inside. I hope that things will turn in my favor despite all the evidence pointing the other way.

And I don’t know about you, but the worst part for me is I’m so wrapped up in my isolation and feelings that I forget what the other person was like. All I’m left with is my idea of them. The idealized version I constructed. The hopes for a brighter future. The unassailable perfection. That’s the worst part of it for me, because I’m not even pining for a person anymore. I’m just miserable over an idea of a person who has exited. Those kinds of thoughts will eat a person alive.

Is it wrong to keep caring? Absolutely not. But it’s a disservice to you if your ‘caring’ happens at the expense of your well-being. They’ve extracted themselves from your life and, to use a South African analogy, put up high walls and electric fencing to keep you out. The care you still have for them is being spent on yourself. You have to decide if it’s worth doing when it’s clearly coming out of your health. I’m not telling you to stop caring or harden yourself. I’m asking you to let go of the embers one at a time so that things can wind down.

Paradoxically, the way to look out for someone who explicitly needs distance is to care about yourself. There’s nothing to be done for them. No reaching out. No sliding an apology in their direction. No passing messages down the chain of friends. Nothing.

If you’re respecting the distance they’ve formed, you’re doing exactly what you need to do. It’s far more important to work through your own feelings, memories and yes, your idealization of this person so that you can slowly separate your psyche from the shared experience. It’s doable, but it’s only doable if you take the first step of turning your attention inward rather than filing another silent scream into the void.

Facing uncertainty in the face of hope

Call me a hardliner, but I’m of the opinion that ‘will we/won’t we’ uncertainty and ‘letting go’ stand in opposition to each other. Slowly letting go while still having a bit of hope isn’t something all of us can do. In fact, I think that’s advice for people who feel things less intensely.

I’m the kind of person who experiences love and heartbreak very sharply. I’ve learned through repeated heartbreaks and pain that I can’t start letting go until I sever myself from the other person. I can’t be kind to myself until I expunge all the hope bound up in someone else who doesn’t want me.

My previous ex and I maintained a friendship after she broke up with me. I wanted the friendship and was probably more enthusiastic about it. At first, I only wanted that friendship as a potential entry point to restart the relationship. This carried on until she moved away. To tell you the truth, I didn’t start healing from that breakup until I learned that there was no hope for a relationship. Too much distance. It didn’t work out. She isn’t interested and my interest is a waste of time. I could only heal after I stripped the romantic affection I had for her out of my life.

It’s a harsh approach, but the way I experience heartbreak is harsh. Unrelenting feelings need to be matched against equally firm personal boundaries. I think that’s a realization your ex had when they went no-contact.

Where love goes after this

Notch another name onto the list of people who think it’s time for you to move on. Reading your submission came close to home. Not just geographically, but seeing the emotions I normally show after a heartbreak in someone else. I have to give you the advice I think is best for you in the long-run, and that is to begin again. With yourself.

I don’t think there’s room for rebuilding a friendship when they’re firmly no-contact. I don’t see long-term potential with someone with this much shared pain, but is also asexual. I can’t tell you to hang onto feelings that at best, leads to more hurt and isolation for you. At worst, it’ll be a violation of their boundaries.

You’ve been severed from someone you care deeply about before you were ready. It wasn’t on your terms. Seeing how strong your feelings are, there may not have been a version of this that could have been on your terms. What you have left are your friends, support structures, and self-reliance. It’s what you need to rebuild. Not to rebuild what you had with your ex, but to rebuild your wounded psyche after a very painful breakup.


You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Summer Tao

Summer Tao is a South Africa based writer. She has a fondness for queer relationships, sexuality and news. Her love for plush cats, and video games is only exceeded by the joy of being her bright, transgender self

Summer has written 89 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. “ I’m not telling you to stop caring or harden yourself. I’m asking you to let go of the embers one at a time so that things can wind down.”

    SUCH good advice for “letting go” of things generally. thank you

  2. Rooting for you, letter-writer. This sounds so hard. Take care of yourself one day at a time. <3


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TIFF 2025: ‘Hedda’ Brings the Dyke Drama to Ibsen

Drew Burnett Gregory is back at TIFF, reporting with queer movie reviews from one of the world’s most prestigious film festivals. Follow along for her coverage of the best in LGBTQ+ cinema and beyond.


In Lucas Hnath’s Tony Award-winning 2017 play A Doll’s House, Part 2, the playwright suggests we’ve moved beyond the feminism of Ibsen’s heroine. The ways in which A Doll’s House questioned society have been settled, and now we can instead question the casualties of a woman choosing herself. It was a bold statement — especially, if I may, from a man — that seemed to resonate with audiences who longed to chastise the solipsism of female empowerment in a decade when feminism had gone mainstream. Well, it’s a new decade, and filmmaker Nia DaCosta is here with an even bolder statement using another of Ibsen’s heroines. If Hnath suggested we’d moved beyond the feminism of the 19th century playwright, DaCosta underlines its relevance. Where A Doll’s House, Part 2 negated, DaCosta’s Hedda deepens.

This new vision of Hedda Gabler is moved to 1950s England, queered, and compressed to one raucous night. Tessa Thompson plays Hedda Tesman née Gabler, a woman recently married to a man she doesn’t love. They’ve returned from their honeymoon and are set to host a party at their glamorous new estate. Hedda and her husband, George (Tom Bateman), have the appearance of wealth with no actual money, something that could change if George can secure an available professorship. Alas, the role seems to be going to George’s academic rival Eileen (Nina Hoss), Eilert in the original text, a bold thinker and Hedda’s former lover. Eileen has recently taken up with with Hedda’s schoolmate Thea (Imogen Poots) who has reformed Eileen away from booze and helped her focus on a new book they’ve co-written that aims to reveal the hidden truths of human sexuality. Throw in George’s friend, Judge Brack (Nicholas Pinnock), who is also taken with Hedda, party guests with their own dramas, and Hedda’s penchant for guns, and the night becomes an inevitable disaster.

The film has all the discordance of a theatrical revival that stretches the edges of its famous text. DaCosta wisely leans into these imperfections, allowing her story to exist in a space between the setting of the original text, the setting of the film, and the present. The gorgeous costumes and production design may be true to the 1950s, but the dialogue and the way people of various identities are treated remain more fluid. At first jarring, it eventually underlines the ways sexism, racism, and homophobia persist into the 2020s. Even the dreamy cinematography from Sean Bobbitt pulls the film from the past, letting the lens flare in a way that strips any period piece distance.

While most contemporary work that diversifies the past softens history, DaCosta uses the same techniques to harden the present. The decision to gender-swap Eilert isn’t just an excuse to cast Nina Hoss and add a veneer of queerness. It completely changes the relationship between Hedda and her former lover in a way that feels grounded in lesbian betrayal. For all her talk of freedom, Hedda has chosen a conventional life. She has married a man — a white man — in an attempt to get closer to privilege, a closeness that has merely left her isolated and depressed. DaCosta’s Hedda is not a bisexual woman who fell in love with a man; she is a bisexual woman who has chosen heteronormativity at the expense of her true feelings. All of the chaos she wreaks is the real Hedda trying to escape. The more her husband tries to control her and the more she lets herself be controlled by expectation, the more she wants to destroy.

The whole cast is wonderful, but Thompson and Hoss are the film’s core. In the original text, Hedda’s former lover feels like a pawn. Here, she feels like a tragedy. Each scene between Thompson and Hoss is heavy with grief and longing. In a world without hierarchies, without stifled emotions, the two women might have thrived. The decision to have Eileen’s research focus on kink and perversion is a brilliant touch. Her manuscript becomes a totem of her alternate life with Hedda, a plea for a future unencumbered by bigotries and conventions.

Rather than condemn or excuse Hedda through a modern gaze, the film celebrates her while introducing a foil for her flaws. Hedda and Eileen are both imperfect and yet their admirable qualities combined create a note of optimism absent from a work that is usually tragic. Instead of tearing down an Ibsen heroine, DaCosta creates another. It’s a generous and complicated act that feels like a confession. Reinterpreting a text can be as revealing as writing something new and this interpretation feels loaded with its writer/director’s place in Hollywood. The first Black woman to have a number one film at the box office, the first Black woman to direct a Marvel movie, DaCosta has made a film about the compromises women — Black women, queer women, all women — are asked to make to work within systems of power. All of the delicious chaos by Hedda and Eileen is really a cry of anger, a cry of sadness, a cry for recognition and freedom.

Hedda is a stellar adaptation of a great play, a riotous queer romance, and, most importantly, a plea from an artist for a different future. Much has changed from 1891 to the 1950s to today, but not enough. No, certainly not enough.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. Her writing can also be found at Letterboxd Journal, Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Into, Refinery29, and them. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Instagram.

Drew has written 749 articles for us.

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“Surviving Isn’t Enough”: Tess Sharpe, Nicola Griffith, and Katrina Carrasco on Writing Expansive Queer Fiction

Authors Tess Sharpe, Nicola Griffith, and Katrina Carrasco all write lesbian fiction that challenges and expands upon the genres they each work in. Sharpe’s crime fiction and thrillers are full of action, heart, and grit, her latest — No Body No Crime — about a rural PI trying to locate the missing woman who she once buried a body with. Griffith’s prolific and much accoladed body of work spans historical fiction, science-fiction, fantasy, crime fiction, centering Black, brown, queer, and disabled perspectives throughout these tales. Her work challenges the status quo of these genres. Her popular crime fiction trilogy — the Aud Torvingen novels — recently received a re-release. And finally, Carrasco is the author of queer Western smuggling action-adventure novels The Best Bad Things and Rough TradeSpread across continents, we were lucky enough to wrangle up these icons of sapphic literature for a conversation about their work, bending genre, writing bodies, why queer people deserve more than just survival and much much more. Together, the trifecta’s bodies of work — all distinct, but touching in interesting ways, as the conversation below reveals — show just how expansive lesbian literature can be. Enjoy this very queer conversation between three brilliant minds!


Within the various genres you all write in — thriller, Western, noir, fantasy, historical fiction, crime fiction, to name a few! — do you see your work as queering the genre beyond just the level of injecting queer characters into it?

Nicola: I don’t really see my work as queering a particular genre so much as simply writing what I want, and, more to the point, what I believe to be a reflection of reality. If I’m deliberately trying to queer anything, it’s the world, one reader at a time. Queering real-world attitudes and understanding. Queering time and space. All my fiction, past and future and here and now, is stuffed with queer, disabled, Black and brown, poor, and gender non-conforming characters — but (with one exception) they’re never about being queer/Black/disabled. They tell stories about people in different times and places living dangerous, comfortable, exciting, boring, challenging and joyful lives. Doing well and doing badly (also, y’know, saving the world, being heroes, falling in — and out — of love, and all the good stuff of real life that, in fiction, you can turn up to 11) not because of or despite who they are — their particular identity — but because of or despite what they do or don’t do — the choices they make. It’s that — the sheer ordinary humanity of my characters facing relatable (but, y’know, exciting) challenges — that changes readers’ attitudes. It’s doing that that helps the reader be brave enough to imagine how it might be to live as someone not like them. When they do that, it changes what they think and how they feel. Just for a little while. And sometimes a little while is all it takes.

My historical fiction (Hild, Menewood) and historically accurate (apart from magic and demi-gods) fantasy (Spear) are set in the so-called Dark Ages (seventh-century north of England, and sixth-century Wales) where history has told us women were chattel, queer folk were shunned, everyone was white, and disabled people were abandoned at birth. Which is (to use a scholarly term) a steaming pile of horseshit. The history of that time was all written by straight white Christian monks with agendas. Archaeological evidence shows, very clearly, that, oops, those chroniclers just left out all the people that inconveniently contravened that agenda. This has led to a very distorted view of the past. Of course queers and crips were there—we’ve always been here, at every level of society and every time and place. We’re just like everyone else. We are everyone else.

My crime fiction (three Aud Torvingen novels, starting with The Blue Place) is about a woman in the here and now — Atlanta, Norway, Arkansas, New York, North Carolina, Seattle, Atlanta again — who is a force of nature, who — while she makes many mistakes along the way — always wins in the end. Aud is a hero, but she’s not a hero because she’s rescuing her sister, or because she’s traumatised, or angry or broken; she’s not after revenge. She’s a hero Just Because. Physically, she has many gifts and she wants to use them to do good in the world, just because she can. Aud uses violence as a tool — one of many at her disposal.

My science fiction is set in the far future on another planet (Ammonite) and in day-after-tomorrow Britain (Slow River). Again, women and queer folk, disabled people and people of colour are just…people. We are here now; we were there then; we’ll be there in the future.

Tess: Much like Nicola, I’ve always just felt like I never quite set out with the purpose to queer up a genre, but to reflect a reality that I’ve lived. I grew up in what my cousin Ryan (the other queer writer in the family, highly recommend his show on Netflix Special, which he wrote and starred in) calls “a very gay family” and so I found myself writing queer stories that were always quite ahead of the market for many years, first in YA where the origins of queer kidlit was focused on the coming out story, and then in adult, which fell behind YA in terms of genre stories featuring queer characters while YA blossomed with them. Because of this “ahead of the game-ness” I’ve watched my work with queer characters be labeled as “they just happen to be queer” by the industry and the critics and watched as that “just happen to be queer” moniker went from being a detriment to selling a book to now it being a positive in the last decade as we’ve evolved in all age categories for queer novels. I’ve never really seen my own work this way — I think the queerness is quite integral to some of the plots, especially queer secrecy and some of the character dynamics just don’t work in my mind without the bisexuality of the characters, but it’s a label I’ve never been able to shake.

It’s also created a situation of the books being “firsts” for a lot of readers. First YA book someone reads that has a sapphic love scene that doesn’t cut to black, first queer YA mystery, first book where a character identifies as bisexual on the page (I know this sounds silly, but back in 2014 when it was published, it was a Very Big Thing for many readers). I’ve found that books that are someone’s queer firsts in literature can be a very visceral and healing experience — and very formative.

Nicola: Tess, yes! Being first is qualitatively different to being ‘one of the first’, and even being one of the first is a different experience to being one of many. This applies whether talking about being the first to actually do something or being the first queer (or woman or all-women or disabled queer woman) story a reader encounters. It took more than 25 years to get the Aud books published in the UK (even as they were winning awards in the US). Oh, one editor said, we’ve already published one of those. By which she meant, We published a crime novel with a lesbian in it two years ago and, well, how many lesbian readers are there, anyway? Another editor wouldn’t take them because, she said, The author is clearly having too much fun. By which she meant, Queer women aren’t believable unless they’re anguished and twisted up.

Katrina: I wonder if messing with genre is a form of queering genre? Making it do something unexpected, breaking the “rules,” etc. I approach genre in my writing as something to be played with, and I do bristle a little bit when my work is placed into a single genre box because I want it to be more expansive than that. The many tropes and conventions that can come with genre fiction often feel like guardrails I want to smash through. So I don’t know if I’m queering genre or trying to break it!

Nicola: Katrina, yes! The number of times I’ve been told, But you can’t *do* that in x or y genre! And I say, Watch me. Genre is just a marketing label, and genres have become a set of reader expectations. You can mess with those expectations, but it comes at a cost — I’ve been upbraided by more than one angry man (it’s always men) who accuse me of soiling their pristine genre with my filthy women/queers/crips. SFF readers, particularly, used to shy away from anything relating to the body: hard, shiny, and intellectual = Good while soft, organic, and emotional was Bad…

What draws you to the respective genres you work in?

Nicola: For me, story and character drives the genre — genre is just the vehicle I choose to cross a particular story terrain. But I’m going to let someone else run with this one first.

Tess: Growing up in a very lawless rural area definitely defined me, both for my setting as a writer and the crime genre I write primarily in. I started out as a sci-fi and fantasy writer back in my yesteryear (literally, I was a teenager) and I’m lucky to get to entertain those genre whims with my IP and Licensed work with Marvel, DC, etc. But I find writing sci-fi and fantasy on my own really difficult and unfortunately not terribly financially lucrative because I get lost in the world-building and it takes me too long.

But when I write a Romance novel, it’s all about honing craft (and enjoying the banter. I love Romance banter). I go back to Romance between crime novels and the other genres every time to challenge myself because the biggest challenge, I’ve always found, is writing a book where the reader knows the end result (that happily-ever-after) but is there for the ride and journey. This restriction causes you to reinvent the wheel, time and time again, in a way I’ve found no other genre does (at least for me).

Katrina: I always want to create a character study that has a compelling plot. I’ll wrap that core in any pieces of genre that help me keep the reader invested and put my characters into difficult situations that reveal more of their depth. Mystery/crime can offer tight tension engines that keep the plot humming along; historical offers the constraint of having to fit world-building alongside story; noir provides some starting tropes that can be turned on their heads.

Nicola: Like Katrina, for me the genre is all about how best to explore the character and (sometimes) theme. My first novel, Ammonite, was SFF because it had to be. I wanted to challenge the implicit understanding that women aren’t fully human, we’re just alt-humans, girl-humans. SFF writers of the past had explored women-run worlds and concluded that without men, women form cold and loveless societies, or follow insectoid behaviour, or behave even more viciously than men when it comes to persecuting other genders. The best way to challenge all that rubbish was to create an entire world of women, and only women, and really see what happens — which of course is that women fill all the personality and behavioural niches available to humankind: We’re generous and mean, vicious and gentle, smart and dull, bold and fearful… All the things. The two Hild novels are all about exploring why and how it could be — absolutely was — possible to live and thrive as a queer woman 1400 years ago. I wanted to see where and how history got it all so wrong.

You all write (queer) female physicality so well, so I was wondering if you could write about your approach to writing queer bodies.

Nicola: The main thing? It’s about the *body*. The second thing? I make sure that queer body is a site of delight rather than pain or trauma. As to why and how I do that, well, I wrote my entire PhD thesis on this (“Norming the Other: Narrative Empathy Via Focalised Heterotopia”) so I’m happy for someone else to kick us off on this one and chime in later.

Tess: I’ve spent many years — decades, really — very cut off from my own body to cope with chronic pain. I think as a whole, I’m more focused on writing disabled bodies. It was really eye opening to write Iris’s POV in The Girl in Question, my first character with endometriosis like me. Her endo is a plot point in book one (The Girls I’ve Been) but we’re only in her girlfriend’s POV in that book, so diving into her POV in the sequel and the pain and the impediments it causes when she’s running for her life and her fear of not being fast enough while she’s trapped in the woods was not just a physical challenge but a really emotional one. Digging back into my own experiences at 17, which is when my own endo really started setting in and robbing me of the life I had before as an athlete was incredibly intense. There were times where I was like “I do not want to do this.” I think it’s partly why I gave Iris a better end result than 17 year old me: She’s headed towards endometriosis excision surgery by the end of the book, something I didn’t get to experience until I was 36. She has the most ideal endo experience if there exists such a thing: diagnosed very young, excision surgery young, and (in my mind) as pain free as one can get after that surgery. I think it was healing in a way, to give her that. The thing myself (and many other people with endo) do not get without many years of suffering and medical gaslighting.

I’m a do-er when it comes to action and research. If I can do it so I can describe it better, I’m gonna do it. Whether it’s running through the woods barefoot (not the wisest decision on my part) or having my mom lock me in a car trunk or training with specific weaponry, I can be very method-actor with physicality in order to get it right. I think it’s the years of Stanislavski and Meisner acting training.

Katrina: I relate to both Nicola and Tess’s answers here — like Tess, I’ve physically acted out scenes to see how they’d feel, and I took boxing lessons to better write boxing matches and fistfights. It’s also important to me, as is it to Nicola, that I focus on embodied queer pleasure rather than trauma. I make a point of including explicit queer sex scenes in my books because there’s still so much shame attached to queer pleasure in the US and globally. For the same reason, I make a point that these sex scenes include female characters. Women are bombarded by cultural messages that we should be ashamed of sex, that our bodies are gross and need endless “fixing,” that we exist to please men. Also, women are so strong, and we constantly get the message that we’re not! I love writing female characters that refuse to be constrained by all that patriarchal garbage.

Nicola: I’ve always been a creature of the body; it’s how I learn, it’s how I think, it’s how I interact. And like me, all my protagonists operate viscerally. They tend to live large, they revel in physical joy. Unlike Tess and Katrina, though, I tend to research through my imagination rather than my body. For one thing, I’m a wheelchair user; for another, it’s hard to know how it might feel to climb Hadrian’s wall in the early seventh century when a) it’s 4,000 miles away, b) the wall then was very different to the wall now, and c) everything — I mean everything: roads, contrails in the sky, the stink of car exhaust — would have been different then.

Another connective tissue between all of your work is the concept of queer survival. What does queer survival mean to you?

Tess: Survival of all kinds is at the root of all my stories. Women surviving, girls surviving, men not surviving (if they are bad). I think that exploring what it is to survive and what we do to survive is a thread I will always come back to, because there’s so many possibilities and stories behind it.

Queer survival, especially, is the story of us. How in the end, we always have existed and will continue to, despite what is done to us, despite epidemics that have killed so many, despite societal ebbs and flows, despite bigotry and religion that condemns us. And in queer survival, there is queer thriving. Because in the end, it is not enough just to survive. We deserve to thrive.

Katrina: I agree with Tess that a large part of queer survival is our stories surviving. We are literally being written out of existence by the current American government — and of course, beyond these language-based attacks, our queer and trans communities face escalating violence, discrimination, and harassment. Queer survival to me means telling our stories and our histories — whether in books, films/TV, song, dance, or other arts — and then building and nurturing queer communities where we can share these stories and take care of each other. It also means making queer art and sending it out into the world as a lifeline for someone who needs to see themself reflected in a positive way to survive. Our art sustains us.

Nicola: I agree with Tess: Surviving isn’t enough; in my fiction we thrive. In my latest book in particular (Spear, an Arthurian retelling) I was responding to the implicit — and occasionally explicit — opinion that queer folk did not exist and certainly did and do not belong in the past, never mind the heroic and/or legendary past. I thought, Hold my beer. And instead of just putting in Black, disabled, and queer people in that past, I made us the heroes.

Your characters are often going through intense, high-stakes, violent situations. Beyond just thrills and plotting, what draws you to this kind of bold and twisty storytelling?

Tess: I grew up really steeped in this kind of work. I spent so much time with my grandmother as a child watching pre-code film, which is a place where women were allowed to be flawed and multi-dimensional instead of the basic Noir femme fatale (though I do love a good femme fatale). Pre-code film also tends to be very short film-wise, so you pack in a lot in the 70-80 minutes the films typically were. The older I get, the more I realize how influential being really immersed in that era formed me as a writer.

I love a book that’s more like a puzzle for the reader. That throws you in and doesn’t let go, that makes you work for it, that’s structured in a way that allows for the juxtaposition between past and present. I am not someone who eases you in as a reader. We’re gonna hit the ground running and (hopefully) forget to breathe a few times. And that mimics what the characters are going through most of the time and I’m fond of that parallel.

Katrina: I like having a propulsive plot as the container for my character studies. A friend of mine once described my writing as “medicine coated in peanut butter” — peanut butter being the fun stuff that helps the message go down. (Anyone who’s had to give pills to a pet should understand my friend’s turn of phrase!) I think it would be very difficult for me to write a “quiet” novel, though I am challenging myself with my current project to sort of turn down the volume on external events and make more room for internal workings. We’ll see how it goes.

Nicola: I don’t think of my storytelling as twisty. The Aud books, for example, are more like a high-speed maglev train hurtling through the dark that you can’t get off until the journey is over. The three Early Medieval novels are full of battles — literal and figurative — because there’s no higher stakes than fighting for your life. When I read, I gravitate towards high-intensity: Things have to happen. By that, I don’t mean things have to be happening all the time — I love quiet moments of contemplation, or simple comfort — but that I dislike (loathe, actually) stories in which characters dither and agonise. I end up yelling at the book, Oh  just decide already! And throwing it at the wall. I’m very much a Do or don’t do, there is no try sort of person, in my life as well as my work.

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1084 articles for us.

8 Comments

  1. I don’t have time to read until this afternoon but I am reading The Blue Place right now after already reading So Lucky, Menewood, and Hild!!! Hild is one of my no holds barred favourite books of all time Nicola Griffith I love you!!!

    • 😊 All I can say is: I hope you have STAY to hand to read immediately after THE BLUE PLACE because, well, just because… Also, if HILD really hit the spot for you (I’m so glad!), then SPEAR might, too. Think of it as HILD but with actual nature magic.

      • Omg this is so exciting! Having just finished the last page of The Blue Place – !!!!!!! Luckily Stay is indeed at home.

        I’ve been meaning to read Spear, so I’ll take this as the ultimate sign to pick it up once Aud has stopped devastating me….

  2. Wow, amazing to see these authors having a roundtable on AS!

    Nicola Griffith is such an important author for me. It’s 30 years since I first read Slow River at the tender age of 13. It was the first book I read with queer women protagonists and I have been having many many thoughts and feelings about this whole situation recently!! I had an anniversary re-read a few weeks back and it’s every bit as good as it was the first time around and – like with all good sci-fi – alarmingly prescient. Then Aud is just such a perfect archetype of what an action dyke protagonist should be for me. I really loved the conversation here about the approach to genre, because I can’t think of another author that can hop genres so readily while keeping all the essential bits of their writing in there.

    Loved every bit of this!

  3. Very happy to see Katrina Carrasco interviewed here. I’m about halfway through “Rough Trade” after reading “the Best Bad Things” over the summer and have been grinning and gritting my teeth through the whole ride. Absolutely adore the main character and all of the messy fights and messier relationships she gets into. I would read like 80 novels in a row about Alma if I could.

  4. Now I’ve read it, what an absolutely fantastic conversation! This is exactly why I adore Autostraddle (and y’all are actually where I heard about The Best Bad Things!). I especially love the discussion of genre – “genre is just a vehicle I choose to cross a particular story terrain” is such a great turn of phrase – and how all yall say that it’s about what expectations that provides and what that does with the story and characters….so interesting. Thank you so much for letting us have this conversation!

Comments are closed.

The 2025 VMAs Were for the Gays

feature image photo by Mike Coppola / Staff via Getty Images

As I’m sure you know if you’ve been on literally any website today, the VMAs were this weekend. What you might not know if you didn’t catch it live is that it was a pretty gay affair. And I’m going to highlight some of the gay goings-on for you, in case you don’t feel like watching the whole dang thing.

First up, some queer people who took home a coveted Moonman:

Lady Gaga won Artist of the Year, Best Direction, and Best Art Direction (all before heading directly to Madison Square Garden to perform to a sold-out audience…just a casual Sunday). She also won Best Collaboration for her joint venture with Bruno Mars, Die with a Smile.

KATSEYE won Push Performance of the Year, Doechii’s won Best Hip-Hop, Best Choreography for “Anxiety”, Lisa ft. Doja Cat & Raye took home Best K-Pop, and Charli xcx’s Guess Featuring Billie Eilish won Video for Good because of the over-10,000 pairs of underwear donated to I Support the Girls, a charity that provides underwear and period products to women in need.

A stand-out moment of the show was when Sabrina Carpenter took to the stage to perform her new song, “Tears”, and included in her retinue of backup dancers were RuPaul Drag Race queens, including Denali, Willam, Symone, Laganja Estranja, and Lexi Love. The backup dancers all held signs that had pro-trans (and pro-LGBTQ+ in general) messaging on them, including but not limited to, “Support local drag,” “DOLLS DOLLS DOLLS”, “Good bi”, “In trans we trust”, and “Protect trans rights”. In her acceptance speech when she won Best Album, Sabrina Carpenter addressed the queens and expressed her gratitude to be part of something so positive amidst all the negativity and discrimination going on in our world.

Watch the full performance here:

Also worth mentioning: Ariana Grande thanked us in her acceptance speech! Okay maybe not you and me specifically but also not NOT you and me specifically! When she went up to accept one of her three awards won last night, she said, “Thank you to my therapists and gay people, I love you.” And while this is very cute and sweet — especially now that she’s now a “gay icon” to gay men AND a queer icon to the sapphics who love Wicked — it’s also more than that, especially in 2025 when there are literal “don’t say gay” bills being passed.

I’ll leave you with this handy dandy list that Them pulled together of what some of the LGBTQ+ celebs wore on the red carpet. And this bonus video of Rebecca Black being AT the VMAs but still having to watch Tate McRae’s performance on her phone because she went to get food and they wouldn’t let her back in until the commercial break. Stars, they’re just like us!


And The Award for Links I Thought You Might Like Goes To…

+ Ayo Edebiri gracefully responded to an absurd journalist question that implied the #MeToo and Black Lives Matter movements were over and also that they were a net negative

+ Young Sheldon star Raegan Revord comes out as non-binary and publishes a queer novel at 17 — the kids are alright

+ If you heard a high-pitched squeal earlier today it was just me finding out that one of my favorite gay video games, Life is Strange, is going to be turned into a live-action television series by queer, nonbinary creator Charlie Covell

+ The movie Christy about a queer boxer starring Sydney Sweeney and Katy O’Brien premiered at TIFF

+ The good news is, we’re apparently getting a third Camp Rock movie over 15 years after Camp Rock 2 came out…the bad news is, it seems unlikely Demi Lovato will return (but maybe Alyson Stoner will??)

+ Amita Suman (Shadow & Bone) and Lara Rossi (Horizon Zero Dawn) play girlfriends in the latest NCIS spinoff: Tony & Ziva

+ Roxane Gay will be receiving the wordily named but much deserved 2025 Literarian Award for Outstanding Service to the American Literary Community

+ Ruby Cruz is proud to be able to play so many queer characters, including her character in her upcoming movie Threesome

+ Chrishell and G-Flip are apparently planning on having a wedding every year; this year was medieval themed, the next one might be Wednesday themed

+ The video game Marvel Rivals has introduced a lesbian Asgardian princess (Thor’s half-sister, in fact) whose wife is a trans Angel

+ And last but not least, Reneé Rapp would love it if people would stop bringing her “big fucking lesbian name” into drama that has nothing to do with her

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Valerie Anne

Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.

Valerie has written 666 articles for us.

The Ultimatum: Queer Love’s Bridget Matloff on What the Cameras Didn’t Show You

On a show filled with explosive personalities and dramatic relationship twists, it can be something of a compliment to come out of The Ultimatum: Queer Love with questions mostly about your hair care routine. Despite not making waves on the show, season 2’s Bridget Matloff has become a beloved Internet personality for their refreshing online presence, nuanced takes on queerness, and killer fit pics. I had the exciting opportunity to sit down with Bridget for a conversation not just on the juicy insider tidbits of what goes into filming a reality dating show, but on the deeper, more challenging duties of presenting (and questioning) queer representation, identity, and conformity. Thank you to Bridget for takes on the reality of “reality” TV, how filming the show has affected her and her relationship, and just what products do they use for that envious curly mullet?


Autostraddle: How did your thoughts about marriage change while you were on the show?

Bridget: I know it looks like I changed my mind and decided I wanted to get married. But the reality of it is that we met in the middle somewhere. For me, I had this idea of marriage that was very set and traditional, and I didn’t really understand why I would want something like that. Then I came to an understanding of like, no, it’s actually just this thing that we can define ourselves. And it sounds so simple like that, but I think for me, it was the word marriage, and having to make it government-official and whatever. I just was rubbing up against it the wrong way and reframing it as just, it gets to be what we decided is. That was really the hurdle. Then I got over it.

Did you feel like being on the show is what helped you develop that personal relationship to the word and to moving outside the confines of the word, or did that feel outside the show?

Talking to other queer people specifically about marriage. That’s not something I would typically talk about with my group of friends. I mean, I could, but most of them would feel the same way that I feel. So I think it was helpful to hear other people who come from different walks of life, and from different areas and have different reasons for why they do or don’t want to get married and different definitions for it. That was eye-opening in a way. I haven’t dealt with the same struggles that other people have dealt with. I can understand the meaning of marriage in that way and the privilege of marriage in that way, not to say that it’s for everybody, though, at the same time. But it was getting to talk to people from different backgrounds.

What aspects of your relationship do you wish viewers had seen on the show?

Yeah, I think just like any of our relationship! They don’t show a lot of the “original couples,” as they like to call them. They don’t show much of their relationships. You just see the little last night together or whatever, but you don’t really see what the dynamics are, what the relationship is like before going into dating week. So it would have been nice to establish that, and get to see that, and understand where people are coming from, and let the audience decide their opinions on the relationship and where they see challenges or areas for improvement. All of that is left up to just how we self-describe. And a lot of people aren’t as self-aware as they think they are — it’s like an unreliable narrator. You can’t judge for yourself because you haven’t seen it. And then you only see once they’ve gone through this traumatic, and for some people heartbreaking, experience. So obviously a lot of people are acting like the worst version of themselves, which I don’t think is a fair representation of them or of their relationship, just from what I know of a lot of these people.

Are you saying you wished that there had been a week before anything happened, such as cameras following y’all and seeing how your life was?

I really think they should dedicate the first episode to showing what these people are like instead of just their talking interviews. That’s not as interesting. Just seeing the couple, what their dynamic is. I would say I wish they showed us talking about gender and gender roles because that is something that’s specific to queer relationships and a queer marriage — it’s important, I think, in the discussion of marriage to also be talking about that stuff. And we did all talk about it, and we did all discuss and ask each other’s pronouns, and none of that made the cut. It very much felt edited by a straight person.

How do you conceive of your gender? How do you feel the show failed to show that full spectrum of gender experience and representation?

I’m not militant about pronouns for myself. If people just use she/her, that’s totally fine. If they just use they/them, that’s also totally fine. I’m not as pressed about that personally. I’ve had the privilege of carving out this very accepting community where I live, in both places that I’ve lived as an adult, and I don’t think about my gender all that much until I am in environment like I was in on the Ultimatum, because all of a sudden you are immersing yourself amongst people that aren’t part of the community you’re in all the time. You remember, especially with the way that we had to talk about certain things, that the world hasn’t quite caught up. And so then gender is more on your mind because you’re being forced to be in an environment you wouldn’t normally be in, or I wouldn’t normally be in. I’m really lucky that I get to live in a super liberal area in East LA. I hang out with a lot of other queer people who feel similarly about their genders. We’re not needing to proclaim anything or explain ourselves to the people that we meet and that’s really lucky.

But obviously, sometimes, you have to go see your family or you have to go to a wedding for an old friend, and you’re going to be in these other environments where it’s so different. Being on the show is another one of those environments. Even though you’re on a show with queer people, most of the production, so most of the people you’re around, were straight. And they’re the ones conducting the story. I haven’t thought about my gender in that way in a really long time.

I know there’s been a lot of discourse about whether the host should be a straight woman, and how between her and y’all there’s that lack of understanding. I mean, I have no idea what she was like, I’m sure she seems fine and lovely. 

But she has to bridge the gap between queer people and Reba fans.

Exactly. How it creates a dissonance, like she may not even know what questions to ask queer people about the situation they’re in. So, yeah, I can imagine that could be kind of uncomfortable.

It was sort of strange. There’s no more valid way to be queer. There’s just a million ways to be queer and to express yourself. As a whole, a lot of the cast — I know Marie and Ashley in particular were talking about how they didn’t always get to wear exactly what they would normally wear outside of the show, like Ashley loves to wear snapbacks, and shops mostly in the men’s section and then Marie usually wears Doc Martens, but production wanted her wearing heels. You can tell what the production’s preference is. I’m not going to say they force you to do anything, because I can’t say that. And technically they don’t. I ended up wearing what I wanted by the end, but there’s definitely a hand in. You can tell there’s a suggestion and there’s approved outfits and non-approved outfits.

And probably trying to portray very particular ideas of lesbianism or queerness that are consumable to a straight audience. Why did you choose to be on the show? As an individual, as a couple?

So Kyle was annoyed with me because her lease was up and we weren’t moving in together because I wanted to hold off. In the past, in my last relationship, I had moved in fairly quickly, and I felt like there’s more to be gained by waiting until you’re desperate to move in together. I just think, you have the rest of time to live together and you want to do it when you’re really, really ready. And so she was standing on the curb waiting for someone to come pick up something she had sold, and she got served the ad on Instagram or something to apply to the next season of The Ultimatum: Queer Love. So she filled it out, and I think it was kind of a joke. I don’t think we thought we were going to go on at any point, and I especially was like, “We should not do that show. That’s crazy.”

And then we just kept moving up in the interviews, but at no point did I really take it that seriously. And then it got to a point where I realized this is a crazy experience and a chance to see a totally different reality. And I was very curious about that, and I also just thought it would be a crazy experience to have together. The worst thing that could happen is that it speeds up us realizing that we’re not aligned enough to be together. The worst case scenario is speeding up the inevitable. I didn’t think it would cause something to make us break up that wouldn’t have ever happened in the real world. The risk was obviously there of losing your partner, but I didn’t think there was a risk of causing something that wouldn’t already happen. You still are who the two of you are. This just might bring out something that speeds things up in either direction.

We were both feeling frustrated with our situation. It’s a struggle in LA. Everyone’s hustling, and we were feeling between things. And it was a good time to take a departure from thinking about our careers and thinking about next steps and this and that and the hustle. For me personally, it was a good distraction from something really hard that I was going through personally, unrelated to our relationship. So I think I was just a little lost and thought, okay, here’s this thing I can do to completely take my mind off of this tragic, horrible thing that I am thinking about 24/7, you know? I would say my thinking at the time was “this will take my mind off this thing.”

It didn’t work. Like, I was just alone and handling it. My best friend had passed away literally three weeks before filming. I honestly was not going to do the show — I was like, okay, I need to just go to New York and spend whatever time he has left with him. And then he passed, and luckily I was there and got to spend time with him. But I didn’t think it was going to happen that quickly. So I went to the memorial and, five days later, we flew to Miami. I was fully not going to do it because I wasn’t going to miss out on those last few months with him, and then he passed and I was like, “well, what do I do now? Like, what am I doing with my life?” And all of my mutual friends with him were all in New York. So I was already alone in LA, and I think I was just kind of like, yeah, why not? Let me just do it.

I’m so sorry to hear that that happened. I can imagine that makes the experience that much stranger.

It was just a lot of emotions. Yeah.

So glad you got to have a really emotionless vacation in Miami immediately after.

Yeah, not traumatic at all!

I don’t have to include that in the interview if you’re not comfortable with that.

You can. It’s fine. When I was on the show, I didn’t talk about it because it was so fresh, but now it’s been over, it’s been a year and a half. But thank you for asking.

Is there anybody that you keep in contact with, Ashley or anybody else? Do you feel like any of those relationships have stayed and been significant since filming or since the show came out?

We were all in a group chat together when it ended. I and others were really adamant that we don’t want to contribute to the harassment or bullying of anybody, and we want to protect each other. There are gonna be a lot of people out there who want to tear us down. So the least we can do for each other, regardless of how we feel about one another, is to not contribute, not add to that, not pile on. Not saying you must defend everyone, but don’t add to it. I think that was wishful thinking. But that being said, most people are still in that group chat. It’s not super active, but from time to time, people will chime in. We’ve seen each other at some events. I still talk to Ashley, Marie, Dayna, and Magan pretty regularly. And I talked to Mel sometimes too. I would say I’m on good terms with everybody, though.

I think that’s really, really admirable to have that impulse to be like, hey, even if we don’t like each other, let’s not contribute to what is very hard to do, open your relationship and yourself up to the world’s opinions.

Literally. Watching the first season and seeing how villainized Vanessa was, I was just like, this isn’t okay. This poor girl is getting bullied online every day. She got a shit situation already on the show having to go through that heartbreak very publicly, and then on top of that, nobody’s standing up for her. She was just getting so much online hate, and I don’t think anyone deserves that. She’s not evil. She’s not a bad person. So I think watching that, none of us wanted that to happen to anybody on our season. We were all in agreement about that.

Give us the play-by-play of your decision to reach out to Ashley the night before Choice Day to lock it down. Had there been any spark between you prior? 

So Ashley had been mainly dating Mel and Dayna, and I had been mainly dating Pilar and AJ. I knew Pilar and Kyle were going to choose each other from pretty early on. And then with AJ, I got to a point where I didn’t feel like we were really getting past this surface level, pickup line conversation. We would have small moments, but every time we met back up, it felt like we had to get through all of that again. And I was just feeling like, I don’t know if I can do that for three weeks in a trial marriage, and I don’t know if she’ll be like this in a trial marriage. Probably she wouldn’t have because at that point then, you’re locked in with somebody, but I didn’t know.

And Ashley was the next person after them that I was seeing. You only really have a handful of real dates. The first two days, it’s 10-minute dates with everybody, then 20-minute dates with four or five people. And then you have the hour-long dates. So she was the only other person I had a long date with, and we spoke at both mixers as well. So it’s not like we were dating very much during the dating week, but she was next up after the two that I was dating the most. And they showed our date, actually, in like a deleted scene. I don’t know what outlet that came out on, but it was somewhere that they released it like when they released the second batch of episodes. So that was kind of how I landed on Ashley just because she was the next on my list of people I got along with and was talking to. And I think the same for her. She was mostly seeing Mel and Dayna, but they were choosing each other. So then I was next on her list. So it just worked out.

The two of you as a couple, as well as you as an individual, flew under the radar more than others. Is that how it’s felt for you?

Listen, we didn’t hook up and we didn’t fight. So I think expecting anything more out of screentime would have been unrealistic. Which I was fine with because I was already not totally comfortable going on this show. I’m sad for Ashley because I think that she would have liked to share her story, and she deserved that. We very much saw a one-sided story with her relationship with Marita. Anyone with half a brain knows that not buying flowers isn’t really about the flowers. It’s obviously something deeper.

I think we had a lot of great conversations. We got so comfortable with each other and were really trying to do the most for each other and for ourselves. So we were really comfortable calling each other out and being brutally honest with one another in a very loving and caring way. And you saw her opening up to me. Of course, that’s the scene they decide to include because it’s dramatic. You saw her talking about her domestic violence history. And I think that shows the amount of trust we built with one another. So I wish they would have showed more of that honesty and trust between us. I think that was a lot of what we talked about you didn’t really get to see. Because production just wanted to dramatize it and sum it up in a petty way.

Okay, here’s a fun question: What hair care products do you use? Or what is your hair routine?

So I get asked this a lot. I needed to cut my hair before I went on the show, and I don’t know why I didn’t. But it was very humid there. And so that’s why it doesn’t look how I prefer it to look. But my routine, when it’s wet, I put in two products: Briogeo curl cream, and adwoa Blue Tansy. Those are the two things I just put on, and then ideally let my hair air dry for as long as it can, and then I’ll diffuse a bit when it’s 80% dry. My new thing that I do is sometimes I’ll take a hair straightener and put it on the lowest heat setting and run over everything a little bit, just to loosen it. But I don’t always do that. I did that today, but like, it depends on how I’m feeling. I have a tutorial on my social media if people forget. 

Rumor has it, you were Gabby Windey’s “gay friend” on The Bachelor. Is that true? 

Yes, I was her gay friend. I think she would have figured her sexuality out on her own, but probably having a queer friend opened the door for that a little bit because she’s around gay people a lot now. After Dancing with the Stars, after she and Eric had broken up, she was like, “I think I’m like ready now to explore my sexuality.” But even from the moment I met her, she was very open to it.

We’d had discussions, and there’s a reason we were friends. We became friends before she ever did any Bachelor thing. When she had decided she wanted to date, I was taking her to queer events, and so we went to this one queer event where Kyle recognized Robby, because Robby had been on a comedian’s podcast that Kyle likes. And so she was like, wait, I recognize that person. So she went up to them and asked something like, “have you ever watched Bachelor” or whatever, like, do you know who this is? And then, yeah, they hit it off, and the rest is history.

Do you have any regrets about things on the show? Or anything you’re proud of?

I’m glad that I was true to myself and didn’t really feel that pressured by production. I think it’s hard, though. I don’t have any regrets, but I know it’s difficult for some of my castmates. Anyone in any high pressure environment is going to maybe not act how they would act outside of that. And so I don’t think it’s a fair reflection necessarily. I think we all did the best we could in a really stressful, weird situation. I try to take everything with a grain of salt, including my own experience.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Gabrielle Grace Hogan

Gabrielle Grace Hogan (she/her) received her MFA from the University of Texas at Austin. Her poetry has been published by TriQuarterly, CutBank, Salt Hill, and others, and has been supported by the James A. Michener Fellowship and the Ragdale Foundation. In the past, she has served as Poetry Editor of Bat City Review, and as Co-Founder/Co-Editor of You Flower / You Feast, an anthology of work inspired by Harry Styles. She lives in Austin, Texas. You can find her on Instagram @gabriellegracehogan, her website www.gabriellegracehogan.com, or wandering a gay bar looking lost.

Gabrielle has written 30 articles for us.

6 Comments

  1. I did not watch The Ultimatum but I’m here for the AS coverage. Really interesting comment about the impact of having a straight production crew.

    • yeah, having recapped every episode, I feel like the straight production crew was something i could SENSE but not quite name, so this interview provided a lot of interesting context for me lol. also love that you don’t watch but do follow our coverage <3

  2. Bridget saying that signing on was partly because “this just might bring out something that speeds things up in either direction” helps answer a nagging question I’ve had about this show! I didn’t watch the first season but did tune into the second season so that I could understand the To L and Back episodes (lol) and I never really understood what the people participating were supposed to get out of it. I couldn’t tell if the whole point was for them to reunite with their original partner in the end if they’re meant to seriously consider starting a new relationship. If the latter, why did zero of the ultimatum givers end up with another ultimatum giver? The entire premise confused me at the time I watched, so getting to understand Bridget’s perspective is really interesting.

  3. This was a fun read. Manifesting Bridget as s3 host! I think a host who is not only queer but has been through the process of the show would bring a lot of interesting nuance to the conversations.

  4. I remember listening to the episode of Robby Hoffman’s podcast where she talks about meeting Gabby and mentions that a “lesbian” / “another butch-y type person” approached her to introduce Gabby and now I’m like… was that KYLE FROM THE ULTIMATUM??

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TIFF 2025: Christy Martin Is More Interesting Than ‘Christy’

Drew Burnett Gregory is back at TIFF, reporting with queer movie reviews from one of the world’s most prestigious film festivals. Follow along for her coverage of the best in LGBTQ+ cinema and beyond.


At the premiere of the Christy Martin biopic Christy, the TIFF audience cheered for its main character. They cheered when she overcame a moment of adversity and they cheered when a title card at the end tied her story in a hopeful bow. Christy Martin faced challenges, but we’re reassured that just like in the ring, she fought back, she got up, and she won.

It’s hard to begrudge a film for rousing an audience, for playing to simplicity and succeeding. There’s a place for sports biopics that hit the genre beats without risk, especially ones that focus on women. But Christy Martin’s life story spends the entirety of this film pushing against those narrative restrictions. There’s a complexity to her experience of queerness and a weight to her experience of domestic violence that feel ill-served by this bland approach. Some stories are more interesting than inspiration.

When we first meet Christy, she’s a short-haired dyke whose sexuality is causing her West Virginian family distress. After winning an amateur boxing competition, she’s scouted and referred to a coach named Jim Martin (Ben Foster). His initial disinterest in working with a female boxer turns into a controlling obsession. He tells her to grow her hair out, he buys her pink boxing shorts, and he restricts her from seeing her ex-girlfriend. Christy wants a way out of her hometown so she listens. It’s a cruel trap that to leave where she comes from she has to conform to its same conventions. But she does it. She buys into the fantasy Jim sells. She even agrees to marry him.

Christy plays a role and, in terms of external success, it serves her well. Yes, she’s a remarkable boxer who trains hard. But part of her appeal to the public at large, part of what allows her to become a star, is her insistence that she’s just a normal wife who happens to be great at boxing. She continues to wear pink. She dismisses her opponents as dykes to the press. The film frames this presentation as part of her personality and rise to fame rather than another element of Jim’s abuse. We aren’t given an opportunity to feel conflict in Christy’s success, because it doesn’t fit within the beats of the genre. When Christy is on top, the film doesn’t want us to question the cost.

Part of the problem is the film’s casting. While Sydney Sweeney gives a perfectly fine performance, this feels like a role that would’ve been well-served by casting someone known to present more masculine. We’ve spent the last couple decades talking about who can and can’t play certain roles, but often it’s not a matter of can’t and more a matter of wasted potential. When Sydney Sweeney makes herself femme, she feels more normal to us. The film would’ve benefited from the opposite effect. Not every audience brings the same knowledge to a film, but there’s a way to use celebrity. Of course, this would require there to be more masc-presenting celebrities who are famous enough to get a movie made. In lieu of that reality, the film at least casts Katy O’Brien as Christy’s opponent/future wife Lisa Holewyne and their scenes together are some of the film’s best parts.

The basic choice in lead actress is expected and will probably garner the film awards buzz. (The Oscars love a transformation!) The basic filmmaking is less forgivable. Throughout Christy, director David Michôd relies on slow dollies in and out of serious moments. Sometimes this creates a sinister lurking feeling that hints toward the impending violence. But too often it creates a level of remove, the sense we are observing Christy rather than experiencing life with her. The relentless melodramatic score that’s present even when the camera finally does lock in close is even worse. It tries to tell the audience how to feel in every moment and, for me, had the opposite effect. Once again, it makes this a story to witness rather than empathize with.

The boxing sequences are just as flat. With the exception of one match that utilizes a cliché slow-motion technique all of the boxing is captured with the same handheld simplicity. Tension doesn’t change depending on where Christy is at in her career or who she is fighting or what’s happening outside the ring. There are only the scenes where she’s dominating and the one scene where she’s struggling. Martin Scorsese said that he approached every fight sequence in Raging Bull like different dance numbers in a musical, each one with its own personality and techniques and goals. Not every boxing movie needs to be Raging Bull, but some personality would have served these moments well. Toward the end of the film, Christy talks about the quiet bliss she experiences in the boxing ring. A film that was interested in placing us with Christy might have imitated her experience through form.

Christy doesn’t experiment with form and it doesn’t take risks. It doesn’t want to explore the complexities within the life of Christy Martin, now Christy Salters. Instead it feels made to only elicit the following responses: what a harrowing story, what an inspiring ending, and what a transformation for Sydney Sweeney. I’m sure it will garner all three.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. Her writing can also be found at Letterboxd Journal, Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Into, Refinery29, and them. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Instagram.

Drew has written 749 articles for us.

2 Comments

  1. Ah man before Sydney Sweeney laid out her politics I was looking forward to this. Now all that nastiness and the movies not good to boot…..what a series of missed opportunities

Comments are closed.

Which Lesbian Harbinger of Fall Are You?

Fall is in the air — or so I hear. I live in Florida, where “fall” isn’t much of a concept weather-wise. I have to create fall through decor and vibes, which I’ve gotten quite good at! A fall candle hates to see me coming. And hey, it WAS 75 degrees when I started my tennis match the other morning, and if that isn’t Central Florida fall I don’t know what is!!!!! Well in my ongoing efforts to trick myself into experiencing fall, I have concocted this fall-themed quiz for you. Take it while sipping something warm or eating a sweet fall treat.


Which Lesbian Harbinger of Fall Are You?

Pick a fall activity:(Required)
Pick a fall treat:(Required)
Where would you like to take a day trip to?(Required)
What sounds like a fun social gathering for this afternoon?
What are you good at?(Required)
What are you bad at?(Required)
Pick a fall in-season produce:(Required)
What makes you feel cozy?(Required)
Pick a tea:(Required)
Pick a fall soundtrack:(Required)
How does fall make you feel?(Required)

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1084 articles for us.

8 Comments

  1. I got Transitional Beanie!

    It is definitely time to “swap in a little lightweight beanie to keep your gay noggin warm.”

  2. Too Early Halloween Decorations! I take the spirit of this eg showing up on time to things – but I will never put these up before October! The creep of holidays ever forward (it’s even worse for Christmas) must come to an end!

  3. Hallowe’en is ALWAYS in season, so there is no such thing as “early” Hallowe’en decorations. We don’t put them up “early;” we don’t take them down! So I guess you could say my answer was spot on.

    In re: listing all possible answers from last week, you could aways make it part of the answer text, so people would have to take the quiz to see it. “This is your answer. Here’s some flavor text about it.

    “Here’s the list of all possible answers.”

    Then you could just cut and paste it to all answers. Of course, someone could wind up posting that in the comments.

  4. Corn Maze Where You Somehow Run Into an Ex

    Ah haha, I can def see this happening. With no way out!

    “Chaos follows you. Or do you follow chaos? Who’s to say. (Wait should I write this horror short story?)”

    I’m looking forward to your first draft!

  5. Highly Organized Apple Picking Trip in a Car Full Of Lesbians – spot on. I do in fact try to make this happen every year, with varying degrees of success. Memorably once it involved twelve people and two cars – suffice to say it did not go well

Comments are closed.

50 Gay Questions To Ask on a First Date

If you feel burned out on coming up with questions for a first date, you’re not alone! The ritual of first dates can often feel repetitive and lackluster. There are only so many ways to ask a version of so what are your interests? And if you’ve already been chatting too much on the apps or during the lead up to a date (which, for the record, I somewhat advise against unless that’s truly your preference for getting to know someone!), it can be even harder to know what to say on a first date.

But asking questions is important. If you show up to a date and only answer the other person’s question or otherwise only talk about yourself, trust you’re probably about to get roasted in a group chat. No one likes being on a date with someone who takes zero genuine interest in them! There is no perfect roadmap for how to crush a first date, but the number one thing you can do to at least ensure a baseline decent experience is ask your date(s) about themselves! People love to be asked about themselves! But also, if you find yourself on a date who doesn’t reciprocate the curiosity, find a way to wrap it up.

The questions below are designed to inject some life and creativity back into your first date question asking if you’re feeling stuck or stalled in the dating process. You can ask them word for word or use them to riff and come up with your own against-the-grain questions. They’ve been divided into a few categories: chill, pop culture, strange, spicy, and misc. So take what you need and leave what you don’t! I would consider most of these to be just slightly deeper than surface-level but not too deep. But you’d be surprised what you can learn about a person’s priorities, values, and viewpoints by asking a range of different seemingly random questions.

Some include follow-up questions and some have been added since the last time this was published in 2024, so you’re getting even more than 50 prompts for first date conversation! For some of these, you might be wondering what makes them specifically gay. Well, I wrote them and I’m gay. Hope that helps!

Get ready to crush this first date! You’re gonna do great!

This piece was originally published in March 2024 and has been updated for September 2025.


Chill Questions

These are casual, get-to-know-you questions that are at least slightly more interesting than the general/obvious ones like “what do you do?” Start with these if you want to ease into deeper conversation or if you like to generally take a more chill approach on first dates.

1. How did you meet your best friend?
2. What’s your favorite book?
3. What are your favorite things to do on your days off?
4. What did you do today before this date?
5. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
6. What kind of cake do you like to have for your birthday? Or if not cake, what do you like to have?
7. Do you collect anything?
8. What are your favorite qualities in other people?
9. What’s your favorite photo of yourself?
10. Do you keep a journal?
11. Where have you never been to that you’d like to go?

Pop Culture Questions

Books, movies, television, music, etc. tend to be pretty fun and easy topics for first dates! Here are some pop culture-themed questions you can ask to get to know your date’s interests and tastes!

1. Who is your celebrity crush? Who was your first queer celebrity crush?
2. What album could you listen to on repeat for an entire day?
3. What’s the first gay kiss you can remember seeing in a movie or on television?
4. What’s your go-to karaoke song?
5. What’s a gay movie you know is “bad” but you love anyway?
6. What queer book that hasn’t been made into a series/movie yet do you think should be made into a series/movie?
7. What queer actor should play you in a biopic about your life?
8. What’s an unpopular opinion you have about a piece of queer pop culture?
9. If your life were a television show, what would be the theme song?
10. How many films from the Autostraddle Encyclopedia of Lesbian Cinema have you seen? (This question provides a built-in activity! You can scroll through the list together! And also make plans to watch some movies together!)
11. Who would you want to play you in a movie about your life? Who would you want to direct the movie about your life?

Strange Questions

Want to be memorable? Want your date to think you’re creative and surprising? Ask some of these hyperspecific, open-ended, or just downright weird (in a fun way) questions! Treat your date conversation like a creative writing prompt!

1. Have you ever seen a ghost or experienced a haunting?
2. Do you have any stories about cryptids?
3. What are your thoughts on time travel? If there were zero consequences to the current timeline, would you rather time travel to the past or the future?
4. Do you have any weird stories about birds?
5. If you were a piece of furniture, what would you be?
6. If you had a pet sloth, what would you name it?
7. What do you imagine the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean looks like? (Here’s another activity question: Have them draw it! Doesn’t matter if they’re bad at drawing, that almost makes it more fun.)
8. Do you own any cursed artifacts?
9. Who’s your nemesis?
10. In a fantasy town designed by you, what types of businesses and spaces would be on the main street? (ex. bowling alley, seafood restaurant, independent bookstore, etc.)
11. Fast zombies or slow zombies?

Spicy Questions

Listen, some of us like to jump right to the sexy chase on a first date. If that’s you and your date also gives off a vibe of talking about sex openly, add a little spice to the convo with these questions.

1. What was the last sex dream you had?
2. What’s the weirdest sex dream you’ve had?
3. What’s your favorite non-Hitachi sex toy?
4. What do you think is your sexiest quality?
5. What’s something sexual you’ve always wanted to try but haven’t?
6. Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?
7. What’s a recurring fantasy you have?
8. What songs turn you on?
9. What’s your favorite sex scene from a movie?
10. Have you ever crushed on someone you shouldn’t have?
11. Do you have any favorite rom-com tropes?

Miscellaneous Questions

These first date questions don’t necessarily fit into any of the categories above! They might not be openers like the chill questions, but they could work once you’re a few questions in.

1. Can you remember any of your dreams from last night and if so what were they about? (Or, what’s the last dream you can remember?)
2. What’s the worst first date you’ve ever been on?
3. What’s the best first date you’ve ever been on (other than this one)?
4. How did you decide what to wear to this date?
5. Do you read tarot?
6. What are your thoughts on astrology?
7. What’s your favorite thing about yourself?
8. What’s the worst gift you’ve ever received?
9. What’s the biggest misconception about you?
10. How do you organize your bookshelves?
11. What’s something you’ve lost that you’re still upset about?


Have a good go-to first date question that often leads to a second date? Let’s hear it in the comments.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1084 articles for us.

6 Comments

  1. I’m dating “me” right now and there are some excellent questions here I can’t wait to ask !

  2. I love this collection of questions! It’s so helpful to have a script sometimes. I’ve already married someone, but I’m going to ask some of these on our next date night :)

    • i love that! so important to keep “dating” our partners even when we’re married!

  3. I absolutely loved this list of unique first date questions! They really take the pressure off and make it feel more like a fun conversation instead of an interview. I’m definitely going to use some of these on my next date! Thanks for sharing!

  4. I go to a queer knitting/crafting night that does off-beat icebreaker questions, and this article may have just become a new source!

Comments are closed.

TIFF 2025: Charli xcx Has Bi Vibes in the Frustratingly Conventional ‘Erupcja’

Drew Burnett Gregory is back at TIFF, reporting with queer movie reviews from one of the world’s most prestigious film festivals. Follow along for her coverage of the best in LGBTQ+ cinema and beyond.


Toward the end of Erupcja, Charli xcx recites poetry while looking into the camera. She’s sitting on the floor next to a stack of books, the shadow of a tear imprinted on her face. One of the books piled beside her is Miranda July’s All Fours, a spine recognizable to anyone who has, this past year, frequented the homes of queer women or vaguely queer women or straight women who enjoy fantasizing about the life they imagine exists within queerness.

Like the protagonist of July’s book, Charli xcx plays a character torn between convention and perceived freedom. Both women feel trapped in their heterosexual relationships with nice men, and both women use dishonesty as a tool of avoidance. Both women follow their impulses instead of sitting in the challenge of deliberate want.

When Bethany (Charli xcx) agrees to travel to Warsaw with live-in boyfriend Rob (Will Madden), the destruction is inevitable. She knows Rob plans to propose, and she knows Nel (Lena Góra), her friend/ex/person she’s most romanticized, lives in the city. Instead of telling Rob she doesn’t want to get married, she’s concocted a situation where she can run into her ex and blame whatever happens next on fate. Bethany and Nel are all about fate, interpreting the volcanos that erupt worldwide whenever they’re together as a metaphor for their passion.

Throughout the film, Bethany and Nel will be confronted with the limits of this perspective. An American artist named Claude (Jeremy O. Harris, providing the film some much needed humor) points out that volcanoes kill people. Rob will point out that volcanoes erupt weekly. Whatever unique connection Bethany and Nel imagine they share that allows them to blow up their lives and hurt their loved ones might not be as beautiful or special as they’ve pretended it to be.

There’s something interesting about this idea, about questioning the way chaos can be confused for romance. The problem with Erupcja is it’s trapped in a conventionality of its own. The bond between Bethany and Nel never actually feels that chaotic. Not only does their encounter remain unconsummated, but it feels totally devoid of eroticism. There’s no feeling of temptation. Bethany doesn’t seem to have sexual desire for Rob or Nel — her main attraction is to staying up late and not keeping dinner reservations. She wants the freedom represented by queerness more than queerness itself.

Nel is also in an on-again-off-again relationship with a girl named Ula (Agata Trzebuchowska). When Bethany gets to town, Nel ditches her as quickly as Bethany ditched Rob. The film makes it clear there’s a way for queerness to also be conventional. Lesbians can choose the nice, simple partner instead of the eruption as well. But what the film doesn’t make room for is a more controlled chaos. The options are not explosion or boredom. It’s possible to be honest with your partner about your desires and to find someone who shares your definition of consistency without being stifling. For all the talk of volcanoes and chaos, Bethany and Nel are kind of boring. The protagonist of All Fours is kind of boring. The problems they face are predictable and common, and there ends up being a tediousness to the whole affair.

Director Pete Ohs matches the characters with his style. Colorful monochrome scene breaks, a handheld camera, and a third-person narrator lend the film a feeling of experimentation. But six-plus decades since its French New Wave inspirations, these forms of “experimentation” are now as predictable as a girl wanting to leave her straight boyfriend for a woman.

Erupcja is short and inoffensive, and it might connect with people who share its characters’ conventions. But anyone who has seen Charli xcx on-stage knows her charisma could be used for so much more. She has a casual edge and unique eroticism that make this turn toward acting feel inevitable. There are glimpses here that suggest her presence will translate to the screen but they are fleeting. This is the kind of film that’s more concerned with giving a boring boyfriend his proper due than announcing the arrival of a movie star.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. Her writing can also be found at Letterboxd Journal, Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Into, Refinery29, and them. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Instagram.

Drew has written 749 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. TIFF is back baby!!

    Also I want this opinion on All Fours, many straight friends keeps pushing me like ohh you should read it but the premise seems dull as you state?? do say more

    • I still really liked All Fours! I think Miranda July is a good enough writer that she makes the subject matter entertaining and thought-provoking. She also surrounds her main character with people who challenge her worldview/self-importance. So even if it the problems the character is facing aren’t as unique or impossible as she thinks the book is wise enough to know that too.

Comments are closed.

I Feel Like Leaving When My Sexual Partners Require Me To Come

How Can I Tell My Partners To Stop Waiting For My Orgasm?

Q

I’m very happily single currently, and having lots of fun sex with new people as I explore all kinds of new kinky things!!!!! Yay! One problem keeps coming up, though: for me, orgasms aren’t an expected part of a sexual encounter. I usually have to be super comfy with someone to cum with them. I enjoy sex whether or not cumming is involved. But I find disclosing this to people can kill the vibe. Or they push for a way to change it, saying “What if you touch yourself while I fuck you?” or something along those lines. Cool invitation! But I’m not asking them to help me get there, I’m asking them to accept that I might not, and not to focus on that during our encounter.  Usually I will disclose shortly into the beginning of the encounter, and I’ll say it as sexily as I can in the moment!  But how should I be disclosing this to people to maximize FUN and minimize UGH? I don’t want to kill the vibe by being straightforward as I have been, but I also worry that eventually me not cumming WILL kill the vibe without a heads-up. There is of course pretending to cum, but I left those patriarchal sexual expectations in my past for a reason!

A:

Summer: Hey OP. Are you me? Because this is me. And it’s something I navigate in every new sexual engagement. While I greatly appreciate the impetus to make sex pleasurable all the time, our broader dating pools have not come to terms with the fact that orgasm isn’t everyone’s primary or even attainable goal.

You’re doing the basics right already. You’re mentioning this to new partners at an appropriate time and trying to guide them away from the potential effect it can have on their self-esteem when you don’t orgasm. Like you, I’m not fond of the idea of faking orgasms. I’d much rather live a slightly disappointing reality than a satisfying lie, but that’s my morality talking. What I’d add to your repertoire of tools is to swing the topic from the absence of your orgasm to the presence of your pleasure elsewhere. Place your partners’ focus on the ways you can be pleased and you absolutely love to be touched. Guide their mouths and hands. Gently switch positions into something more favorable to you if they start aiming for your orgasm. Walk them through things that you enjoy and express it verbally – in sighs, moans, and words.

Basically… give them clear-cut cues of your enjoyment when they’re pursuing things you enjoy, and nudge them away from the orgasmic goal. If they can’t figure that out, then the problem is definitely on them and not for you. There do exist people whose self-esteem hinges on the ability to make others orgasm. There are partners who won’t listen to your bodily expertise. Absolve yourself of their foolishness. They’re just not a good fit for you.

Nico: I’m gonna come out on the other side here and say that if you’re in a casual situation where you don’t anticipate having sex with that person again, you can also just fake an orgasm to make it easier on yourself. You’re supposed to enjoy things, too, and if you find yourself having sex with someone who just doesn’t get it, I think it’s a gray area, but it’s fine.

Besides that, though, I think a fun move when hooking up for the first time (and later on, too, for reminders) is for each of you to share what you find hot before having sex. It sounds like you’re already having some conversation at the top of the encounter, but if the information about your orgasm is a bullet point amongst several others that can help you and your partner have a hotter time, it places less weight on that particular piece of information.

Riese: I’m going to be bold here and also agree with Nico — if it’s just a one-night stand with someone you’re not interested in for anything long term, I think you can just fake it. I’m in a similar situation as you, where the chances of it happening with a one-night stand are approximately zero, but I also found people often aren’t that inquisitive if you’re clearly having a fantastic time regardless. Often people will simply assume you came but won’t literally ask, especially if you’re providing lots of active feedback about how good whatever they are doing feels. It’s definitely easier to get away with when topping. But I know what you mean there is often the moment when they say “I wanna make you come” moment and what do you do with that (besides say “no I wanna make you come”), and I guess I don’t really know but personally, I find it SO annoying when someone won’t let go of that expectation, like it often feels like it’s about ego because like if you really wanna make someone feel good, listening to their explanation of their own desires and expectations and believing what they say is a great way to make someone feel good! As opposed to pushing them towards a process that they’re expressed disinterest in pursuing (e.g., the “What if you touch yourself while I fuck you?” approach).


How Do Y’all Develop Your Writing Practices?

Q

I love to write, and I’m a good writer when I can get words on the page. I like my work, my friends give me genuine positive feedback, and I’ve had work published in a couple literary magazines. I also like the act of writing while I’m doing it– it’s one of the most fun things I do.

Despite all this, I have never been able to build a consistent writing practice. I’ll write for hours every day for a week or two and then I won’t for two or three months. It doesn’t feel very sustainable, and I’m so jealous of (for example) my friend K who has 1000 words every single day without fail since we were 16. I have so many half-finished projects that I ran out of steam on and now can’t bear to look at. I’m considering getting an MFA in fiction so that I have to learn to write consistently, but that feels a little drastic!

How do you make writing every day a habit? Thanks for the advice.

PS: I have ADHD, so advice directly pertaining to that would be appreciated!

A

Summer: A writing instructor I was working with all the way in high school once pushed me out of writer’s block by telling me to intentionally write the worst story I possibly could. As in, break every norm and rule of ‘good’ writing. Write garbage on purpose. Because even putting your brain into that makes you think ‘like a writer’.

My general advice is that any writing no matter how inconsistent is worth something. All writing is valuable as long as you’re willing to go back, re-read and find areas of improvement. A half-written poem can give great insights into pacing and structuring that are transferable to fiction. The vocabulary you build in fiction is applicable to reporting.

On the ADHD side, all I can say is that it’s possible to wield some of the excitement and fixation that comes with ADHD as a tool. If you’re able to gently unshackle yourself from the idea of ‘completing’ projects or hitting a strict routine, writing in unstructured ways that appeal to you in a particular moment will also keep you writing. Yes, you may accumulate a mountain of unfinished works, but those skills are being honed and you can return to polish those works if you ever need to refine them into a submission.

Kayla: Here is a quote excerpted from a newsletter by my friend, the brilliant writer Laura van den Berg: “A routine is not a rigid list of requirements; it is a spectrum of activity that can be adapted as needed. Which is to say that routine is less about the specific actions taken and more about a steadiness of presence. Routine is a form of self-hypnosis, a way to imagine ourselves as capable of whatever feat we are attempting. Every time we abide our routine we put a stone in the path to the place we are trying to reach.” In fact, you should probably just read the full piece, titled Against Motivation.

I actually teach an entire course built around this idea, but your writing practice should not feel restrictive or impossible to accomplish. If setting the goal of writing every day doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you! Instead of forcing yourself to do it, you should focus on finding a practice that DOES work for you. Just because “write every day” is common advice does not mean it is the only way to be a writer. You do not have to write every day to be a writer.

Recently, when I was at a writing residency, I did write every day, because that was what I was there to do. That said, I did not set specific word count goals for myself, because I am not a word count goal writer. I find the setting of word counts limiting. Some days, I can write 2k+ words; other days, I write maybe 200 but I really give that 200 my full energy. While at the residency, I would write my plan for the following day every evening. I would block off chunks of time to work on my novel, but rather than writing “write” or “write novel” in those chunks of time on my schedule, I wrote: “novel work.” This could include actual writing of the draft, brainstorming in my journal, writing about my process, READING, or even going on a long walk to THINK about the work. This allowed myself to be flexible about what exact type of work I was doing.

I find that a lot of the lessons I’ve learned in strength training and physical fitness goals can be easily applied to writing. My strength coach is constantly telling me to do my best when lifting. When sitting down to write, you shouldn’t pressure yourself to meet strict goals like 1k words a day; you should do your best. We’re all humans with limited capacities and busy lives. You can’t give 100% every day —it’s not possible. Maybe you can give 80% on Monday but only 20% on Tuesday. That’s fine! Don’t let the fact that you can “only” give 20% on Tuesday stop you from giving it! 20% is better than 0%!

Nico: Summer’s suggestion reminds me of working with this one boss who would either write something she called “crappy copy” for me or who would ask me to do so for her, before we went back and forth making improvements and edits. One thing that’s helped me when stuck in writing ruts is to embrace a complete lack of perfectionism, to cultivate a kind of contempt for a polished end product.

Also, if you have ADHD, consistency might not be your thing. If you work in spurts when you’re excited and have an idea, then you work in spurts. As for the half-finished projects – this is where something like a self-imposed writing residency would be useful for you. Once you’re out of your normal environment, with none of your usual distractions (don’t bring them!) and having already invested time and potentially money into it, now you’ll have a weight to the need to write that hopefully will make it harder to avoid. I don’t think you need to worry about writing every day, I think you need to concentrate on breaking those multi-month streaks of no writing down. Give yourself a maximum day limit you are allowed to go without writing — maybe three days is enough to deal with any life or work stuff that may unexpectedly come up, for example. Now, you have to at least write 1 day out of every 4. With strategies like this, nothing is tied to days of the week or times of day — it leaves flexibility for you to get into an irregular rhythm that works for you. If deep work is your thing, then what’s the difference ultimately between writing 4,000 words every 4 days and consistently writing 1,000 every day? Also, I agree with Kayla that word counts are rather unimportant and limiting. If using them as a goal motivates you, then great, but if it only intimidates or hinders you — leave word counts to die in the dirt and never look back. This is also just an example format — I just want to invite you to explore what could be alternative and less outwardly consistent, yet equally effective structures for yourself.

Finally, also as an ADHD-haver, one thing I’ve found to be wildly successful as a tactic is co-working at a coffee shop or other second location that is not anyone’s home. Would your friend who writes every day be willing to sit down with you and co-work? If you’re not in the same location, you can also do this over a video call. Usually, other folks, even if they don’t benefit as much from the body-doubling aspect of co-working, are quite happy to have some company.


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4 Comments

  1. thank you for the orgasm question, I am in the same boat and I am such a people pleaser that I’ve often faked it in the name of wanting my partners to feel like they’re doing a good job (they are! it’s just that orgasm is not always going to happen for me and I’m completely fine with that) and I appreciate knowing that other people feel the same and having ways to better communicate

  2. I think I might have accidentally submitted a blank question, instead of this comment, and if so, I’m sorry (my eyesight and laptop leave much to be desired). Anyway, I just wanted to add that as a fellow writer/ADHD-haver, I understand writer’s block and the ebb and flow of inspiration. Though I’ve found that the biggest road block for me is getting published these days (I used to get published, and also self-publish, mostly in zine format, but we’re talking late ’90s-early teens here). But anyway, I think that when society understands ADHD more fully, fewer writers with it will get criticized for their output. It’s fine if some writers want to write 1,000 words a day or whatnot, but it’s also fine if others go with their own flow. The more pressure you put on yourself, the more your writing will be blocked, at least in my experience.

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Guinness World Records Welcomes American Drag Artists

Since 1955, Guinness World Records has named the best and brightest in categories both broad and obscure, from “Tallest Living Woman” to “Fastest time to make a pasta necklace.” Plus, who could miss those big multi-colored coffee table books released every year? As a child, my own relationship to the Guinness World Records books was that each year they were filled with the coolest, most interesting facts to know about the world, from the widest to the smallest, the oldest to the youngest, and everything in between. So this year, as American drag artists set records both new and old, it’s exciting to see a topic I’ve spent a great deal of my own life researching to be a part of the Guinness World Records in an even larger way.

Guinness World Records is no stranger to drag, and its categories go back at least two decades. In fact, it’s had many explicitly queer categories over the last few years, including “Largest LGBTQ March” (2019) and “First lesbian character in a multiplayer FPS,” (2016) among others. Queer participants have also won titles, like “Highest annual earnings for a television stylist,” (the cast of the original Queer Eye, 2004) and “Most steals in a WNBA Finals game,” (Breanna Stewart, 2024).

Incidentally, Guinness World Records was inspired to add more drag categories by the massive interest in RuPaul’s Drag Race. “Given the runaway popularity of the format, we felt that our audience would be intrigued to learn more about the history and the wider drag community, both on screen and off screen,” a spokesperson for Guinness World Records told Autostraddle. “As a result, we’re now delighted to have significantly increased the scope and variety of our drag-focused record categories, all of which can be discovered on the GWR website.”

Previous drag categories include “Youngest Drag Race Winner” (Krystal Versace on RuPaul’s Drag Race UK in 2021), “Longest line of dancing drag artists” (144 people, also in the UK, 2012), and “Most People Attending a Drag Brunch” (412 people in New York City, 2023). The new and updated records this year were assembled with the help of drag historian Joe E. Jeffreys.

In an interview with Autostraddle, Jeffreys shared his belief that in a country where drag is facing regular backlash, cementing artists’ stature in the Guinness World Records makes drag’s past and present accessible not just physically but culturally. Once the information is there, he says, it can create opportunities for connection and even new events that challenge existing records!

Let’s congratulate the newest drag Guinness World Record title holders representing the USA.


Oldest Drag Queen: Rose Levine 

Rose Levine has been performing consistently in drag since she first took to the stage on Fire Island in 1955. Beloved by Broadway legends like Ethel Merman and Jerry Herman, Rose became known on Fire Island for her cabaret performances of jazz standards. Indeed, as the story goes, Ethel Merman spotted Levine at a party in the 1970s and stated, “That’s Rose, she does me.”

Rose also has a long history of activism that runs from the Invasion of the Pines through the AIDS crisis to today. She turned 92 in 2025, which makes her the oldest still-performing drag queen in the world.


Oldest Drag King: El Daña 

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - JUNE 22: El Daña attends the "King of Drag" S1 Premiere hosted by LGBTQ+ Streaming Network Revry at Beaches Tropicana on June 22, 2025 in West Hollywood, California. The series debuts June 22 at 9pm ET/ 6pm PT on Revry. (Photo by Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Revry)

El Daña attends the “King of Drag” S1 Premiere. (Photo by Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Revry)

El Daña began his drag career in central California in 1965 at a gay bar in Fresno where he performed “La Bamba” by Ritchie Valens. Not long after, El Daña also became known for his renditions of Frank Sinatra, Julio Iglesias, and Tom Jones hits. It was his Jones impersonation in particular that drew the most attention — even from drag legend Charles Pierce, who is said to have told El Daña, “No one can do Tom Jones like you,” according to Drag King History.

El Daña became the world’s oldest still-performing drag king when, at the age of 80 in 2025, he performed onstage in Clovis, California.


Most Emmy Awards Won by a Drag Performer: RuPaul

Rupaul performs during the Gay Rights March April 25, 1993 in Washington, DC. (Photo by Porter Gifford/Liaison)

To any RuPaul’s Drag Race fan over the last 16 years, it will come as no surprise that the show’s namesake and host is currently the most Emmy-winning drag artist of all time. As of 2025, RuPaul has won 14 Emmys. Eight of these awards are for Outstanding Host for a Reality or Competition Program for RuPaul’s Drag Race; five are for Outstanding Reality Competition Program for RuPaul’s Drag Race, where he serves as Executive Producer; and one is for Outstanding Unstructured Reality Program for RuPaul’s Drag Race: Untucked! where he is also Executive Producer.


Highest-Grossing Drag-Themed Movie: Mrs. Doubtfire

Featuring the inimitable Robin Williams in the title role, Mrs. Doubtfire was an instant classic when it was released in 1993. Its successes have only continued over the last 30+ years: as of March 2025, it has grossed $441,286,003, making it the most successful drag-themed film of all time.

One of  my personal favorite scenes stars actor, playwright and drag legend Harvey Fierstein in a montage where he and Williams arrive at Mrs. Doubtfire’s final “look.” Fierstein was cast in the role after Williams saw him stage a failed “lesbian fashion show” for a benefit Lily Tomlin held in the early ‘90s.

It turns out the First Female Impersonation Actor on Screen, another Guinness World Record Title created this year, was also American: in 1901, vaudeville actor Gilbert Sarony played his famed “Old Maid” characters in two shorts directed by none other than Thomas Edison, The Old Maid Having Her Picture Taken and The Old Maid in the Horsecar. Sarony’s Guinness World Record Title counterpart, the First Male Impersonation Actress on Film, was French legendary actress Sarah Bernhardt, as Hamlet in 1900.


Highest Grossing Drag-Themed Movie Franchise: Madea Cinematic Universe

Comprised of 13 movies, the films in Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise released in theatres have made Perry himself more than a $291M profit since the first film was released in 2005 (two were released on Netflix). Madea is “strong, witty, loving…just like my mother used to be before she died,” Perry once said. “She would beat the hell out of you but make sure the ambulance got there in time to make sure they could set your arm back.” Madea initially appeared in a play Perry had written called I Can Do Bad All By Myself, first staged in Chicago in 1999. It later became a film of the same name in 2009, starring Taraji P. Henson. The Madea character, inspired by Perry’s mother and grandmother and their senses of humor, wasn’t initially a role meant for Perry in the play — the actress meant for her didn’t show up and Perry had to get into drag.

Needless to say, it worked out.


Longest-Running Drag Queen Competition: Miss Fire Island Pageant 

The Miss Fire Island Pageant began in Fire Island’s Cherry Grove in 1966. It will turn 59 this year, making it the world’s longest-running drag queen competition. In the Digital Transgender Archive, you can see what drag looked like at the pageant in 1969, (note that the way drag and gender were discussed at the time were quite different, so proceed accordingly — some of the language and images are fetishizing; “transvestite” and “drag” are used interchangeably; performers are often referred to universally as “he”). The prize at the time was $300, and it’s since gone up to $5000. This year’s event, held on August 30, featured the legendary New York drag queen Ariel Sinclair and Drag Race runner-up Sapphira Cristál as hosts.


Longest-Running Drag King Competition: The San Francisco Drag King Contest 

With its 29th edition in August 2025, The San Francisco Drag King Contest became the world’s longest-running drag king competition. The event was originally created by lauded drag king Fudgie Frottage in 1994 with the hopes of advocating for drag kings in a world that had become increasingly focused on drag queens. Since it began, several iconic drag artists have crossed its stage, whether as MCs (Elvis Herselvis, Sister Roma, Fudgie himself), judges (Mo B. Dick, Wang Newton), or contestants (Papi Churro, King Lotus Boy). At the event, hopefuls are judged on their “talent, creativity, studliness, sex appeal, originality, humor, make-up/facial hair, and fashion,” Drag King History shares. It’s become an essential event not just furthering the art of drag kinging in San Francisco, but ensuring future generations of drag kings in the area.


Longest-running drag-themed restaurant franchise: Hamburger Mary’s 

hamburger mary's in Orlando

Hamburger Mary’s on Church Street in downtown Orlando, Florida. (Orlando Sentinel file/Tribune News Service via Getty Images)

When a Hamburger Mary’s opened in my hometown of Fort Lauderdale, my family and I sped over immediately. I was still underage then, so seeing drag in a place I was actually allowed to was a magnificent thrill. Though Fort Lauderdale’s iterations have since closed, there remain eight more across the country. In fact, Mary’s is now the world’s longest-running drag-themed restaurant franchise and will celebrate its 53rd anniversary this coming December. The first Mary’s (since closed) opened in San Francisco in 1972, and “came out of a pot-filled session involving the hippies and gay men that started the restaurant,” according to SFGate. “A fellow called Trixie (real name Jerry Jones)…wanted to open an eatery that offered up sass and style with a burger and fries.”

In the future when there are even more categories — maybe even “longest drag performance by a single artist” or “longest running drag musical on Broadway” — it’s possible, as Joe E. Jeffreys says, that a culture can continue to develop around trying to beat those records and thereby perpetuate drag’s reach. What would it have looked like to see categories for drag when we were growing up? A generation of people won’t have to wonder.

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Elyssa Maxx Goodman

Elyssa Maxx Goodman is a New York-based writer and photographer. Her book, Glitter and Concrete: A Cultural History of Drag in New York City, was named a 2024 Stonewall Honor Book for the Israel Fishman Non-Fiction Book Award, a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award in LGBTQ+ Nonfiction, one of Vogue’s Best LGBTQ+ Books of 2023, and one of Booklist’s Best History Books of 2023. Her writing and photography have been published in Vogue, Vanity Fair, T: The New York Times Style Magazine, them., Elle, and New York, among others.

Elyssa has written 9 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. This is really interesting, I had no idea the Guinness book focused on this sort of thing at all! Also, I learned a bunch of these facts for the first time as they intended!

  2. “Rupaul performs during the Gay Rights March April 25, 1993 in Washington, DC.”

    Children. I. Was. There!!! 👑

  3. What an incredible celebration of drag culture in the Guinness World Records! I love how they’re recognizing icons like Rose Levine and El Daña, alongside the massive impact of RuPaul and the Madea franchise. It’s amazing to see drag’s rich history and diversity being honored on such a global stage. Which new drag category are you most excited about, and do you think we’ll see more records broken at events like the Miss Fire Island Pageant? Let’s keep this convo going—I’m curious to hear your thoughts!

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20 Podcasts With QTPOC Hosts You Can Listen To Right Now

feature image photo by Rodin Eckenroth / Stringer via Getty Images

Well, well, well. Another month, another white queer person saying stupid shit into a microphone, with other queer white people standing around letting it happen. I am, of course, referring to Betty Who’s appearance on the Made It Out podcast with Mal Glowenke. Admittedly, this is the most I’ve ever heard of Betty Who, an Australian pop artist who has apparently been active in the music industry for quite some time and is best known for marketing her music to the sapphic community. Betty Who identifies with both the bisexual and non-binary labels, but it seems as though many listeners were under the impression that Betty Who is a lesbian and were surprised to hear her reveal on the aforementioned podcast that she is indeed married to a man she’s been with since 2014.

Conversations around labels and policing identity can get real murky real quick, so let me make a few things clear:

  • A queer person is still a queer person even if she is currently dating someone of the “opposite sex.”
  • A person’s labels are entirely up to them, and people should use labels that best help them move through this world.
  • When we police someone’s identity — especially queer and trans folks — we are playing into conservative, right-wing playbooks, and we should do our best to avoid doing so.

With all of that out of the way, I’d like to focus specifically on the two things that Betty Who said in the podcast interview, which are the issues that many creators have pointed out in response videos.

Betty Who stated, “Now we’ve come so far, that our community is so strong, that now it’s like a crime to be straight.” This is obviously a preposterous statement to make at any given time, but especially as we bear witness to the stripping of LGBTQIA+ rights, including the threat of overturning Obergefell v. Hodges — aka federal marriage equality.

While speaking about her own experience falling in love with a man after identifying with the lesbian label, Betty Who made the dumbfounding decision to name Reneé Rapp by first and last name in a conversation in which she had not consented to be involved. “Reneé Rapp is like, ‘You’ll never catch me dating a man.’ It’s like, ‘Go off, queen! I love that for you! But I also hold space for her in 10 years if she goes, ‘Oops, I met the love of my life and it’s this man, I didn’t mean to.’” As many other writers and creators have pointed out, you have never — and will never — see a similar sentence be said about a gay man falling in love with a woman. It simply would not happen. The only way to view that quote is for what it is: lesbophobic.

Many creators have pointed out exactly what is wrong with Betty Who’s statements and, further, with Glowenke’s lack of intervention during or after the interview was recorded and shared. Many Black creators and creators of color have been correct in pointing out a glaring pattern with comments like Betty Who’s and where they take place: by, with, and in front of white people. This has created a much needed conversation around the sheer lack of representation of queer and trans people of color in podcasting. I share the same sentiment that I’ve seen many others post: something’s gotta give.

While Betty Who has since issued an apology statement to her Instagram, which lacks specific accountability for the lesbophobia and oddly omits Reneé Rapp’s name this time around, the issue remains the same and will likely continue to happen so long as we *only* platform white queer people.

As a white man with a podcast, I am overjoyed to share with you a list of podcasts (or similar formats) led by Black queer women and gender nonconforming folks, and queer and trans folks of color.


1. Afterlives: Marsha P Johnson

Hosted by Raquel Willis

This podcast celebrates and chronicles the life and legacy of Marsha P. Johnson.

2. Best Friends with Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata

Hosted by Nicole Byer and Sasheer Zamata

Best friends Nicole Byer (who doesn’t really use labels but has said in the past she is not straight) and Sasheer Zamata, who recently came out as a “late-in-life” lesbian, combine their superb comedy chops in this podcast where they talk about sorta everything.

3. Gender Spiral Podcast

Hosted by Babette Thomas and Ally Beardsley

Gender Spiral explores queer folks’ relationship with the gender binary and what it looks like to navigate the gendered world we live in.

4. Glass Closet

Hosted by Nia

Here’s a podcast about queerness, pop culture, NYC, and all the various things those touch.

5. Hoodrat to Headwrap: A Decolonized Podcast

Hosted by Ericka Hart and Ebony Donnley

Sexuality educator Ericka Hart and activist Ebony Donnley offer decolonial, queer, Black analyses of everything from pop culture to consumerism to voting, history, music, and more.

6. I‘m The Devil Podcast

Hosted by Sophia Wilson Pelton and Hannah Wakefield

Queer and trans comedian Sophia Wilson Pelton and their bisexual co-host Hannah Wakefield recap reality series Vanderpump Rules and other scandalous pop culture moments.

7. The Jade Fox Show

Hosted by Jade Fox

Jade Fox interviews and celebrates Black queer artists and creators.

8. The Lavender Menace

Hosted by Renaissance and Sunny

Two nonbinary lesbian communists of color offers their thoughts and takes on pop culture and media, and the show is broken into three acts.

9. Lemme Say This

Hosted by Hunter Harris and Peyton Dix

Celebrity and internet culture are at the heart of this podcast from two besties.

10. Normal Gossip

Hosted by Rachelle Hampton

Rachelle has taken over the wildly popular Normal Gossip podcast, where real-life gossip from people you’ll never know gets retold and dissected.

11. Purse First

Hosted by Sesali and Prince Piérre

This podcast is all about queer and woman-fronted hip-hop and includes music and video reviews, interviews with artists, commentary on the industry, and more.

12. The No Homo Show

Hosted by Boss Britt and DJ EXeL

Through interviews and topical conversations, The No Homo Show looks at the wide range of LGBTQ+ relationships, lived experiences, and communities.

13. Scam Goddess

Hosted by Laci Mosley

If you’re fascinated by scammers, you’ll want to check out this podcast all about wild fraud, robberies, scams, and capers from throughout history.

14. Sistas Who Kill

Hosted by MaRah and Taz

This weekly true crime podcast presents the stories of Black women who have killed.

15. The Strapdown

Hosted by Aurea Young and Sheria Mattis

The hilarious Black queer femme comedian co-hosts of this podcast cover dating, news, queer parties, and so much more and often have guests on for interviews, games, and humorous debates.

16. Today in Gay

Hosted by Nay Bever, Jasmin Savoy Brown, Vico Ortiz

The short-form daily news podcast rounds up joyful queer news.

17. Tunnel Wars The Podcast

Hosted by Ian Isiah and Lily Marotta

This podcast about basketball and fashion is for the WNBA gays.

18. Two Idiot Girls

Hosted by Deison Afualo and Drew Afualo

These co-hosts will talk about just about anything, from culture to advice and beyond.

19. Upstairs Neighbors Podcast

Hosted by Dom Roberts and Maya Umemoto Gorman

Another catchall conversational podcast, Upstairs Neighbors offers wild stories, chats about culture, and advice.

20. The Wellness Wives

Hosted by Ashley Tierra and Cortney

Love, entertainment, and wellness are the primary topics of this pod.


This may not be a perfect list of active podcasts — though, it never hurts to go back and listen — and it’s certainly not complete. Please leave a comment sharing your favorite podcast that you think folks should tune in to, and we can continue to add to this growing list.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
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Motti

Motti (he/they) is a New York born and raised comedian, writer, and content creator. You can find him on Instagram @hotfunnysmartmotti or at a bar show in Brooklyn somewhere.

Reed has written 50 articles for us.

14 Comments

  1. This is admittedly an old and long since discontinued podcast, but Nancy with Tobin Low and Kathy Tu is one of my absolute favorite podcasts! It’s a mix of queer history and ‘current’ events (current at time of recording, sadly still relevant) and listening to them talk is like hanging out with cool older queers!

  2. Thanks for this list looking forward to checking these out!
    How to survive the end of the world with adrienne maree and Autumn brown, and becoming the people with Prentis Hemphill!

  3. isnt hunter harris like the worlds straightest person? i read her substack (which is great!) but she’s never mentioned any hints of queerness. but happy to see a source proving otherwise!!

    • Hunter’s co-host for this pod, Peyton Dix, is queer! There are a few shows listed here where only one or some of the co-hosts are trans and/or queer but still led by a QTPOC so didn’t want that to disqualify them.

  4. Autostraddle actually calling out lesbophobia in the year 2025? The sky must be falling lol.

    Great list though. I love the “Best Friends” podcast and everyone should also listen to Nicole Byers other podcast “Why Won’t You Date Me” because a) she is one of the funniest comedians in our modern era and b) she frequently has lgbt guests on the pod.

  5. Love to see the truly hilarious (and smart!) The Strap Down getting some recognition! This podcast is so much better than 99% of what’s out there right now.

  6. Jade Fox is a fantastic creator and just so funny as well. Her fashion videos are iconic as well. I just started listening to Normal Gossip recently and it’s also so good.

  7. In coincidental timing, The Kibitz (an offshoot of sorts of Cerebro, a long-running X-Men podcast) just started to be independently available, because the hosts realized that as a pop culture discussion podcast it likely has appeal beyond the comics-related Patreon members of Cerebro. Both hosts are queer, and one is QTBIPOC. I have no idea what they’re talking about most of the time when they’re discussing celebrities and music, but it’s always a fun vibe. https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/the-kibitz-with-connor-goldsmith-jordan-blok/id1836022291

  8. There is also First Things First with Brooke Blurton and Marty Mills both of whom are queer First Nations people from Australia.

  9. Wow, this list is a goldmine for discovering vibrant QTPOC voices in podcasting! I love how you’ve highlighted shows like Hoodrat to Headwrap and The Jade Fox Show that dive into such diverse topics with unapologetic queer and Black perspectives. It’s refreshing to see platforms amplifying these stories, especially after the messiness around Betty Who’s comments.
    Which podcast from this list are you most excited to check out, and what draws you to it? Let’s keep the convo going—I’d love to hear your thoughts! 🌈

    Myself
    Rummy Ares

  10. The Read is one of my favourite podcasts, full stop.

    Also the Two Twos podcast is great. On indefinite hiatus since Feb, but there’s 200+ episodes still available.

Comments are closed.

Bisexual Badass Sophie Turner Will Be Our Next Lara Croft

feature image photo by Marc Piasecki / Contributor via Getty Images

It’s official: Sophie Turner is going to be our next Lara Croft. Following the bisexual footsteps of Angelina Jolie (and the straight-I-think-but-played-gay-in-Irma-Vep Alicia Vikander), Game of Thrones alum and Do Revenge scene stealer Sophie Turner will be taking on the role of the iconic archaeologist and all-around badass in the upcoming Prime Video Tomb Raider series, helmed by Fleabag’s Phoebe Waller-Bridge. Waller-Bridge calls Sophie Turner “formidable” and is excited to jump into the world of a character she grew up loving, calling Lara Croft “outrageous, brave, and hilarious” which I imagine is how we’ll be able to describe the show.

On taking on the role, Sophie Turner says she is “thrilled beyond measure,” that she has “massive shoes to fill.” She says, “I can’t wait for you all to see what we have cooking.” And I can’t wait either! I don’t know about you guys, but the pixelated form of Lara Croft and her braid and thigh holsters from the video games was one of my early roots, only amplified by the 2001 movie starring Angelina Jolie, who I already loved from Girl, Interrupted.

This Tomb Raider show has been in the works for quite some time, with the show originally going into development as early as 2023, being officially greenlit in 2024, and then despite rumors of Sophie Turner being linked later that year, it has been radio silence on the Tomb Raider front until now, the show reportedly going through two writers rooms without approved scripts. They must have figured it out though, because Sophie Turner is more than just a rumor now, and production is officially set to start in January 2026.

Between Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Sophie Turner, I have no doubt this will be a delightful show, and I’m excited to see Turner take on the braid of badassery. Also, hopefully the show is queer! As I mentioned last week, Sophie Turner sure is not shy about her own queerness or loving the queer attention she gets!


More Links to Raid

+ Laverne Cox lead Team Laverne on Celebrity Family Feud, the show’s first all-trans team

+ Actress Chloë Grace Moretz and model Kate Harrison got married this weekend

+ I have seen Lost and Delirious so I am not surprised at all to learn that H is for Hawk is a film adaptation of the memoir of non-binary writer Helen Macdonald, whose screenplay was written by lesbian author Emma Donahugh

+ Fifth Harmony, sans Camilla Cabello but including bisexual artist Lauren Jauregui, reunited at the Jonas Brothers concert

+ Pansexual actress Julia Fox’s new horror movie HIM comes out later this month and the poster is spooky as hell

+ Alison Cochrun (author of one of my favorite queer romcom books, Here We Go Again) talks about her upcoming queer novel and coming out later in life

+ Sophie Turner has officially been confirmed for the upcoming Tomb Raider movie as not the first and hopefully not the last bisexual woman to pick up the Lara Croft baton

+ I know Florence Pugh isn’t openly queer but I know she is of interest to many, many queer women so I just need you all to join me in putting “Florence Pugh, Bond Girl” OR “Florence Pugh, James Bond” energy out into the universe – as my friend so succinctly put it in our group chat, imagine the SUITS

+ They finished filming the Buffy pilot and I cannot contain my excitement

+ Meet the new cast of Dancing with the Stars, which includes aforementioned bisexual Lauren Jauregui

+ Women Wearing Shoulder Pads features plenty of different types of queer representation

+ Gigi Gorgeous thinks that if trans teens need a little makeup, they should be allowed to steal it and frankly I wouldn’t stop them

+ Colman Domingo dressed in drag with Sabrina Carpenter in new music video

+ Last but not least, if you’ve been itching for an Orphan Black rewatch, my fellow clonesbians, our sestras are officially on Netflix now, and almost immediately zipped into the Top 10, where they belong

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Valerie Anne

Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.

Valerie has written 666 articles for us.

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Our Most Anticipated Queer Books for September 2025

Welcome to our monthly guide to our Most Anticipated LGBTQ+ Book Releases! Did you read and love anything we highlighted last month? Let us know! And of course, let us know if you want to shout out any September releases we didn’t include below! Up top, we’ve got our eight TOP picks for the month, followed by the full month’s slate of releases we’re anticipating the most. Gabe Dunn contributed research to this month’s lineup, which includes a range of genres and definitely some evidence that horror season is right around the corner. Enjoy!


Autostraddle’s Top Most Anticipated LGBTQ Books for September 2025

To the Moon and Back, by Eliana Ramage (September 2, Literary Fiction)

If you pick up just one book from this list, make it this one. Eliana Ramage’s debut novel is about a queer Cherokee young woman who wants to become an astronaut and spans a wide range of time (three decades) and space and tells an intergenerational tale full of familial drama, heartbreak, self-discovery, ambition, complex identity, and more. I’m hoping to publish a full review of this one later this month, so stay tuned.

Algarabía, by Roque Raquel Salas Rivera (September 2, Poetry)

This Puerto Rican trans epic follows Cenex, a trans being living in a colony of Earth in a parallel universe. The book combines poetics and speculative fiction and contends with trans erasure in colonial and anti-colonial literary canons.

Hot Wax, by M.L. Rio (September 9, Literary Fiction)

The main character in this novel is a queer woman in her forties. The story begins in the summer of 1989, when Suzanne is just 10 and drawn to the wild world of her father’s band tour. After witnessing an act of violence, she spends the next 29 years trying to fade away and live a “normal” quiet life in the suburbs. But her father’s death brings the past blazing back, and she hits the road.

Cannon, by Lee Lai (September 9, Graphic Novel)

We’re big fans of Lee Lai’s work, so we’re definitely excited about this new graphic novel about best friends Cannon and Trish who love cooking dinner together and watching niche Australian horror films. The two queer second-generation Chinese nerds from the suburbs of Montreal have been there for each other since high school.

You Weren’t Meant To Be Human, by Andrew Joseph White (September 9, Horror)

Queer and trans horror with a transmasc protagonist, You Weren’t Meant To Be Human is set in a version of Appalachia facing alien invasion. This is the debut adult novel from the trans author of the bestselling dystopian YA novel Hell Followed with Us.

Beings, by Ilana Masad (September 23, Literary Fiction)

A beautifully braided narrative unfolds here, centering an interracial couple who encountered possible extraterrestrial life during an event in 1961. One thread of the novel concerns the husband and wife and the aftermath of their trauma. A second thread looks at queer science-fiction writer Phyllis writing letters to her beloved Rosa. And the third thread is set in present day and follows a chronically ill archivist trying to understand a childhood encounter and becoming increasingly obsessed with Phyllis’s letters and the testimony of the 1961 alien abductees.

I Am You, by Victoria Redel (September 23, Historical Fiction)

A lesbian romance set in 1600s Amsterdam, this novel follows a young girl, Gerta, who disguises herself as a boy to work for a family. The daughter of the family, Maria, catches her and insists she joins her to the city where she’ll be part of the patriarchal art world. Gerta becomes Maria’s muse and lover, but as her own artistic talents grow, things get complicated. The narrative is a queer reimagining of the life of still life painter Maria van Oosterwijck.

Best Woman, by Rose Dommu (September 30, Literary Fiction)

A trans woman returns home to be the “best woman” in her brother’s wedding, traveling from her life in New York to Boca Raton, Florida. Julia thinks she’s handling it all pretty well. She can do a week back home. But then she learns the maid of honor is the girl she crushed on in high school, and when she tells her a little lie, things quickly spin out of control.

And now enjoy the rest of our most anticipated LGBTQ books for September 2025!


September 2

Daddy Issues, by Eric C. Wat (Short Fiction)

This collection of queer Asian American short stories introduces the reader to characters throughout Los Angeles grappling with things like career, family, parenting, money, mental health, gentrification, and more.

Moonflow, by Bitter Karella (Horror)

New queer horror! With an alluring premise and a gorgeous cover! Moonflow features a trans woman protagonist named Sarah, a magical forest, and chills and thrills. It looks like a very immersive new work of literary horror and promises lots of queerness.

Every Step She Takes, by Alison Cochrun (Romance)

Beloved sapphic romance novelist Cochrun is back, this time with a story about 35-year-old Sadie, who ends up on a tour along Portugal’s Camino de Santiago that she doesn’t realize at first is specifically for queer women. Having just recently been hit with a bout of gay panic and awkwardly connecting with her airplane seatmate who turns out to be on the tour as well, this complicates things for dear Sadie.

Crime Ink: Iconic: An Anthology of Crime Fiction Inspired by Queer Icons, edited by John Copenhaver and Salem West (Anthology)

The month brings another “be gay, do crime”-themed anthology, with this one attempting to rectify the fact that in 2023, crime fiction anthologies featured over 500 stories but less than 1% were written by LGBTQ+ writers. So if you’re gay and you like crime fiction, check out this anthology!

Rules for Fake Girlfriends, by Raegan Revord (YA Romance)

A queer fake dating trope is at the heart of this debut rom-com from Young Sheldon actor Raegan Revord.

The True Story of Raja the Gullible, by Rabih Alameddine (Literary Fiction)

Set in Beirut, this novel contains many queer characters, including 63-year-old protagonist Raja who shares a tiny apartment with his octogenarian mother. Raja receives an all-expenses-paid writing residency in America and embarks on a new adventure of self-discovery and reckoning with family, home, and trauma.


September 9

The Fame Game, by Ronica Black (Romance)

If you’re a fan of queer romances with celebrity characters, you’ll want to check out this one about a grown-up former child actress just getting out of rehab whose manager sets her up with a heartthrob actor but who ends up more interested in his sister.

Everything She Does Is Magic by Bridget Morrissey (Romance)

For gays who love Halloween, this rom-com is about a regular girl named Darcy Keller and a witch named Anya Doyle who team up to help each other with their own ambitions.

Lady Like by Mackenzi Lee (Historical Fiction, Romance)

Two complete opposite women decide the same duke is the ideal man to marry —which they each have their own reasons for. But instead of merely competing for his hand, they find themselves falling for each other.

The Most Unusual Haunting of Edgar Lovejoy by Roan Parrish (Fantasy, Romance)

Transmasc character Jamie Wendon-Dale designs haunted houses in New Orleans for a living but doesn’t believe in ghosts. This becomes complicated when their path crosses with Edgar Lovejoy, who has quite literally been haunted by ghosts his entire life. Opposites WILL attract in this cozy paranormal romantasy.

The Maiden and Her Monster by Maddie Martinez (Fantasy)

Sapphic romance and immersive folklore collide in this tale about a healer’s daughter who finds a monster in the woods.

Middle Spoon by Alejandro Varela (Literary Fiction)

The narrator of this polyamory novel has a husband, two children, a comfortable life, and a hot young boyfriend. But the boyfriend dumps him, and heartbreak is difficult to navigate as he butts up against a world that still doesn’t fully have the tools and language for polyamorous relationships. The story is full of heart and humor.

Girl Next Door by Rachel Meredith (Romance)

A freelancer is shocked to discover that a bestselling romance novel written under a pen name appears to be a love story about her and her childhood neighbor, who is likely the real author behind the book. So she returns to her childhood hometown to try to figure out if that really is the case.

The People’s Project: Poems, Essays, and Art for Looking Forward, curated by Saeed Jones and Maggie Smith (Nonfiction)

Authors and poets Saeed Jones and Maggie Smith have combined their brilliant brains to curate this collection of work that looks to our collective future. Contributors include Alexander Chee, Chase Strangio, Tiana Clark, Hala Alyan, Danez Smith, Ada Limon, and more.

Nearly Roadkill: Queer Love on the Run, by Kate Bornstein and Caitlin Sullivan (Sci-Fi, Romance)

This 1990s cyber-romance cult classic is getting a special re-release! In it, characters Scratch and Winc meet and fall in anonymous love online. The novel offers a prescient critique of the internet, capitalism, and government control. Readers are likely to find it just as urgent and relevant now as it was then.

A Hexcellent Chance to Fall in Love, by Ann Rose (Romance)

Here’s a paranormal romance that sort of riffs on the magical appearing/disappearing act of Spirit Halloween with its tale of The Dead of Night, a Halloween store that shows up in a new location before Halloween undetected and then promptly vanishes two days after the holiday. Pepper White knows the store’s secret, particularly because she suffers from its same curse and only appears when the store does. Soon, she hopes to extend her time in the world after meeting a charming new customer in Christina Loring. I’m truly charmed by this entire premise.


September 16

Runs In The Blood, by Matthew J Trafford (Short Fiction)

Satirical and at times speculative, this collection of super gay short stories includes tales of a lesbian mother fretting over taking her daught to a princess party, a grieving man going on a date with a centaur, and a queer couple using unconventional methods to make a baby. It sounds like quite the romp. I know, I know, don’t judge it by this, but it’s safe to say I’m obsessed with the cover.

The Golden Boy’s Guide to Bipolar, by Sonora Reyes (YA)

From the same author of The Lesbiana’s Guide to Catholic School comes this new YA release about a young bipolar queer boy named Cesar Flores.

A Murderous Business, by Cathy Pegau (Historical Fiction)

A mystery set in 1912, A Murderous Business is about Margot Baxter Harriman, a woman proprietor who finds her deceased father’s former assistant dead in the office and suddenly has a murder mystery to solve.

Slashed Beauties, by A Rushby (Horror)

Body horror abounds in this revenge tale about three hyperrealistic wax figures of women coming to life to murder the men who have done them wrong. Set in both present-day Seoul and 1763 London, the past and present intersect and merge.

Teenage Girls Can Be Demons, by Hailey Piper (Short Fiction, Horror)

The author of the recent erotic-horror novel A Game in Yellow now delivers a collection of 13 stories full of queer horror. This sounds extremely up my alley, and maybe it’s up yours, too!


September 23

Bi The Way, I Love You: A Charity Anthology of Diverse Bi+ Love Stories, by multiple authors (Anthology)

Raising money for organizations like Rainbow Railroad, this anthology features nine bi love stories from nine bi writers.

Scarlet Morning, by ND Stevenson (Childrens, Fantasy)

The bestselling author and illustrator of Nimona (not to mention the showrunner for She-Ra and the Princesses of Power) is back with an illustrated kids book about friendship and adventure.

Try Your Worst, by Chatham Greenfield (YA Romance)

Combining YA romance and cozy mystery, here’s a tale of two rivals duking it out to be valedictorian. But then they’re accused of a series of serious pranks and have to team up to find out who’s framing them.


September 30

Thank You, John, by Michelle Gurule (Memoir)

This debut memoir, described as a tragi-comedy of errors, follows Michelle Gurule’s life as a stripper and sugarbaby in 2010s Denver. I love the cover, and it’s adorned with blurbs from queer authors I really trust, so I’ll definitely be diving into this one.

The Shocking Experiments of Miss Mary Bennet,by Melinda Taub (Fantasy)

A queer mishmash of Pride and Prejudice and Frankenstein, this novel reimagines Mary Bennet as a wild experimenting scientist who makes a monster to save herself from a spinster fate.

The Sovereign, and Fate’s Bane, by C.L. Clark (Fantasy)

We’ve got a C.L. Clark twofer to close out the month, including the conclusion to her queer political fantasy trilogy and a tragic sapphic adventure novel.

The Transition, by Logan-Ashley Kisner (Horror)

A transmasc teen is recovering from top surgery when he’s inconveniently bit by a werewolf.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The AV Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1084 articles for us.

11 Comments

  1. I always look forward to this list, and there are some interesting books here as usual. However, this is the second time in 3 days that I’ve been surprised to find out Gabe Dunn “contributed” after I clicked on a link. I haven’t forgotten that gross article about how to pick up trans women and would strongly prefer to avoid his work. Maybe he could be credited in the byline next time?

  2. Went and saved To The Moon and Back is fast! Now for the rest of the piece – I always love these!

    • Teenage Girls Can Be Demons, You Weren’t Meant to be Human, Cannon, and Nearly Roadkill my other must gets! I love a rerelease especially

  3. I look forward to this list every month and I have this page open and my local library reserve page open and go back and forth!

    Thank you for all the time and effort you put into it!!

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No Filter: Happy Five Year Anniversary To the Time Niecy Nash Got Surprise Gay Married

feature image photo of Jessica Betts and Niecy Nash by Matt Winkelmeyer / Staff via Getty Images

Hello and welcome back to No Filter! This is the place where I tell you what our favorite queer celebrities got into this week, via IG! Let’s get down to it!


I love these two and these looks but I have to confess that I feel The Roses is not a real movie it feels like trick and I do not know why!!!


This is actually quite close to office life — except you are always planning another meeting, never a lunch!


Twenty-three seasons of Top Chef?? That’s so many! Anyway I love when the girlies are in suits!


“When Chanel Ayan invites you to dinner…” is now an intrusive thought. What a casual comment, as if it happens to us all. You know how it is! When Chanel Ayan invites you to dinner? Of course you do!


Oh, did you think the Betts were going to let their five year anniversary pass quietly?


Did you think the Betts weren’t gonna get a People exclusive about their five year anniversary?


Did you think the Betts weren’t gonna give you a full video of their five year anniversary celebrations??


Speaking of marriages, Chloë Grace Moretz and Kate Harrison are married!


Cynthia going for a very chic, classic Labor Day, we love!


You feel that chill in the air? That means it’s Sarah Paulson season, bayyybe!


Sometimes celebrities make me feel like it might be fun to get made up and have a photoshoot in my hallway ??


…andddd the other version celebrity photoshoot, featuring gold feathers. Go the hell off Jenna!


Can you imagine a world where we went back to a single post on grid? Can we bring it back, do you think? Anyway, the vibes are indeed impeccable!


King Princess having Amanda Bynes in Hairspray as a root does make me feel 1,000 years old, thank you so much!


I will watch this woman do literally anything and it IS my pleasure, thank you so much!


IT HAS BEEN ONE YEAR ALREADY?? STOP TIME NOW!


Love this sea…butterfly? look! Love!


IYKYK!!!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Christina Tucker

Christina Tucker is writer and podcaster living in Philadelphia. Find her on Twitter or Instagram!

Christina has written 369 articles for us.

1 Comment

  1. I love Chloe Grace Moretz, wishing her a long and happy marriage!

    I hope she does another film sometime 🙏

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Fall Is Always a Time for New Beginning

This is The Parlour, a place for intimate conversation, a real-time archive, a shared diary passed between a rotating cast of queer characters every week in an attempt to capture a kaleidoscopic view of what it’s like to be a queer person right here, right now.


Maybe it’s conditioning from being a kid, or because I have a kid who is school age, but late summer/early fall always feels like a new beginning to me. As the calendar turns from July to August, my brain is in refresh mode. What newness does the next few months hold?

My son started middle school a few weeks ago, which is absolutely ludicrous to me. I took him to my favorite store, Staples, to buy new school supplies, and breathed it all in. As he debated what kind of pencils to get, I squatted down, looking at pens for myself.

There is nothing but possibility in a new pen. I am constantly buying them in the hopes that they will help me find the spark of something new.

This year, I find myself craving the rejuvenation of fall even more than usual. I spent most of the summer recovering from a really intense case of burnout. For the last six months, I have been slowly losing the energy I need to access my creativity, despite working so hard to carve out space and time for it. When August rolled around, I knew that it was time to start fresh, even though I’m still figuring it all out.

Then my wife accidentally broke our couch. I saw it as an opportunity for the change I desperately needed.

“Let’s redecorate the living room,” I suggested. “You hate the color, and since we have to get a new couch, it feels like a sign.”

I immediately went online, scouring the Lowe’s website to find the perfect shade of gray for our walls. When it comes to decorating, my wife and I are polar opposites. I’m all about dark colors and maxmalistic vibes, and she’s into pale colors and serenity. Trying to compromise is what led to us having turquoise walls she’s hated since the moment we painted them.

(I feel like it’s important to note that I wanted gray walls initially. If only she’d have listened to me from the beginning!)

A compromise was made about the walls, and they are coming along nicely. Repainting has forced us into some much overdue cleaning. There is a giant plastic container on the floor full of books that need proper housing — the bookshelves are part of phase two of the big refresh.

Our new couch is the perfect shade of navy blue. It looks awesome against the gray walls. The next piece is the one I’m most excited about: a hot pink desk. I need a space for myself, one that will inspire me when I’m feeling lost.

As the calendar changes to September, I’m excited to start finding my way back to myself. It’s the perfect time for new beginnings.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

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Sa'iyda Shabazz

Sa'iyda is a writer and mom who lives in LA with her partner, son and 3 adorable, albeit very extra animals. She has yet to meet a chocolate chip cookie she doesn't like, spends her free time (lol) reading as many queer romances as she can, and has spent the better part of her life obsessed with late 90s pop culture.

Sa'iyda has written 148 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. Navy couch and hot pink desk sounds like a dreamy combo! Hope the desk is a site of much inspiration for you.

    • thank you!! it’s one of my favorite color combos. our bookshelves are also navy, so it’s going to look very cool!

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Trans Resistance Is Expanding

feature image photo by SOPA Images / Contributor via Getty Images

This week’s edition of the Trans News Tracker is the 10th one so far. It’s also the first one where news of resistance efforts made by trans people, queer people, and their allies actually outweighs new efforts being made by the far right, anti-trans Democrats, and other institutions trying to limit our rights and push us out of the public eye entirely. This certainly doesn’t mean we’re winning, but I think it’s important to recognize that resistance is expanding, taking new shapes, and happening in almost every place where trans rights are continually imperiled.


Trump Administration Orders States To Remove All References to ‘Gender Ideology’ From Sex Ed

Although there is a lot of good news here, I do think it’s important to highlight the latest attempt by the Trump administration to erase trans people from public consciousness since we’ll likely see a string of backlash soon from state governments across the country.

Last week, the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS), Robert F. Kennedy Jr., along with the rest of the administration released notices through its Administration for Children and Families (ACF) to 40 states and six U.S. occupied territories “demanding” they remove “remove all references to gender ideology in their federally-funded Personal Responsibility Education Program (PREP) educational materials within 60 days.” The PREP program was/is a federal initiative aimed at providing evidence-based sexual education programs to young people aged 10-19 in public educational institutions. In a statement following the release of all 46 letters, Acting Assistant Secretary Andrew Gradison said, “Accountability is coming. Federal funds will not be used to poison the minds of the next generation or advance dangerous ideological agendas. The Trump Administration will ensure that PREP reflects the intent of Congress, not the priorities of the left.”

To save you from reading through the entirety of these letters, I’ll just tell you here what has been flagged for removal from this program: all definitions of gender identity and gender expressions, references to gender-affirming pronoun usage and guidance on allowing young people to express the pronouns they’d like to use, and any information about gender-affirming care or procedures. In what has become one of the far right’s favorite tactics, they’ve adopted the language/mores of progressive movements by claiming in these letters that these state institutions must cease providing this education as a way to “demonstrate acceptance and respect for all participants, regardless of personal characteristics, including race, cultural background, religion, social class, sexual orientation or gender identity.”

Since the funding for PREP programs helps states educate young people about safe sex and how to protect themselves from youth pregnancy and the transmissions of sexually transmitted infections, any cuts in funding to this program would impact these states’ and territories’ ability to actually provide that education, as well. It’s hard to say right now exactly how many of these places will comply or fight. Aside from this being yet another hostile and violent attempt to push trans people out of public life, this represents a particularly dangerous new development for both young trans and cis people going to school in public institutions. And it serves as a deeply horrifying reminder of how low the far right is willing to go in their crusade to make trans people’s lives unlivable in this nation.


Some Good Trans News For Once

Trans Texans face yet another attempt to ban them from bathrooms. In response to the possible passing of Texas’s Senate Bill 8, a group of trans people and their allies took over both the House State Affairs Committee to testify against the bill and the Texas State Capitol for a bathroom sit-in protest. Since Texas Governor Gregg Abbott vowed to sign the bill if/when it makes it to his desk, the urgency of these actions and plans to continue pushing back against this bill cannot be understated.

Illinois launches LGBTQ+ legal hotline amid Trump-led onslaught. Some great news coming from a Democratic politician, finally. Illinois Governor JB Pritzker announced last week that the state has launched its own hotline for queer and trans people called IL Pride Connect. According to Pritzker, “IL Pride Connect will inform individuals of their rights and connect them to health and social services support – making us the only state in the nation to provide free legal advice and advocacy tools to protect the LGBTQ community.”

Judge dismisses lawsuit to remove transgender sister from UW sorority. This is one of my favorite news stories this week. In 2023, a lawsuit was filed by members of the University of Wyoming’s Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority against their national organization seeking to remove an already sworn in trans sorority sister. After not one but two court hearings over this issue, U.S. District Court Judge Alan Johnson finally dismissed the lawsuit with prejudice — meaning it can never be brought to the courts again — stating, “Nothing in the Bylaws or the Standing Rules requires Kappa to narrowly define the words ‘women’ or ‘woman’ to include only those individuals born with a certain set of reproductive organs, particularly when even the dictionary cited by Plaintiffs offers a more expansive definition. Nor has Kappa or the Fraternity Council concealed this definition from its members: in fact, it has published and distributed multiple texts clarifying the issue.” I think it’s cool he basically told the plaintiffs to “eat shit” and get over it.

[Virginia] school board sues Trump administration to defend transgender student policy. I know I’m biased, but can I get a “Hell yeah, teachers!!” in the chat, please???

Trans news from across the pond:

UK’s LGBTQ+ literary prize cancelled after controversy over ‘gender critical’ author John Boyne. Following the inclusion of TERF author and JK Rowling supporter John Boyne’s new novel on the Polari Prize longlist, 10 other longlisted authors pulled their novels from consideration in protest, which forced the Prize to put a pause on its competition for 2025. It’s always amazing to see writers — a group who, financially, has a lot to lose — doing this kind of work in defense of trans people.

Nottingham Against Transphobia hold die-in in city centre. An activist group called Nottingham Against Transphobia held a die-in in the center of Nottingham last week in protest against the  Equality and Human Rights Commission’s (EHRC) new guidance urging service providers to “ban trans people from all single-sex facilities and services including changing rooms, wards and sporting competitions.” According to reports from the protest, “The demonstration in Nottingham saw dozens of participants carry out a die-in where they lay silently on the ground as the sound of a steady heartbeat played from a loud speaker. One attendee was dressed as the Grim Reaper and wore a mask plastered with the face of prime minister Keir Starmer, standing ominously amongst the participants on the floor.” As the fight for trans rights gets just as dire in England as it is here, we’ll likely see more and more of these actions in the coming months.

International trans news:

Transgender people in Kenya just won a major court victory. Shieys Chepkosgei sued the Kenyan government over her arrest and indictment in 2019 for “impersonation” (despite the fact that she had legal documents matching her gender identity), and the judge not only ordered the government to give her financial restitution but he also ordered Parliament to pass a law protecting trans people’s rights in Kenya: “The judge went a step further, directing the Kenyan government to initiate legislation in Parliament addressing the rights of transgender Kenyans, either with new protections or by amending current legislation on the rights of intersex people currently moving through Parliament.” Judges here and abroad are really putting in the work to protect trans people lately, and it’s incredible to see.


Trans News I Wish I Didn’t Have to Report

Alaska medical board moves to restrict gender-affirming care for minors in the state. Yet another blow to trans youth, but this time in a state where literally less than a million people live. That’s how you know this is simply retaliatory politics masquerading as “care.”

Trump’s widening war on gender-affirming care. Unsurprisingly, the Trump administration is moving to prevent federal workers and their dependents from receiving gender-affirming care, even if the care is available where they live and through their healthcare providers.

University of Michigan ends gender-affirming care for minors, citing federal pressure. Michigan Medicine at the University of Michigan became the newest compiler, kowtowing to the Trump administration’s pressures on institutions that receive federal funding to stop providing gender-affirming care to trans youth. I’ve reported on this several times in this column, and the list grows longer by the week despite the fact that many institutions are pushing back legally.

South Carolina asks Supreme Court to let it enforce trans bathroom ban. I don’t know how we’re not constantly pointing out how obsessed with this shit these people are. All emotional reactions aside, if this does make it to the Supreme Court, we could be looking at the enshrinement of a legal definition of “woman” and “man” in the same way the UK is experiencing that right now. This is something to keep our eyes on for sure.


Last Bits of Trans News

Sam Nicoresti becomes first trans comedian to win best comedy show at Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Please join me in congratulating Sam on this huge honor: CONGRATULATIONS, SAM!

Learn why activist Jae Douglas is so dedicated to helping other LGBTQ+ Floridians. This is a truly wonderful profile on a young person doing some of the hardest work in my home state. As someone who has been organizing in South Florida for the last 20 years of my life, I can tell you that what Jae is doing is no small feat. I hope you’ll read it and listen to what Jae has to say.

Charlize Theron’s adopted daughters – Jackson and August – are officially living their best lives. Charlize Theron joins the growing list of celebrities who are loving and supporting the hell out of their trans children in public and in front of all the anti-trans losers. It’s nice to see the list is getting longer, not shorter.


This is Trans News Tracker, a biweekly Autostraddle roundup and analysis of the biggest trans news stories. To support this vital work we do, consider becoming a member.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Stef Rubino

Stef Rubino is a writer, community organizer, competitive powerlifter, and former educator from Ft. Lauderdale, FL. They're currently working on book of essays and preparing for their next powerlifting meet. They’re the fat half of the arts and culture podcast Fat Guy, Jacked Guy, and you can read some of their other writing in Change Wire and in Catapult. You can also find them on Twitter (unfortunately).

Stef has written 158 articles for us.

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