2011 Superbowl Liveblog: Two Football Teams Will Play a Game, Declare a Winner

Hi! I hate football. I don’t understand the rules AND DON’T TRY TO EXPLAIN THEM TO ME ’cause like 5,000 people have already explained them to me and you know what, I don’t buy it! I believe all sports should be instinctual and not complicated. There’s so much stopping and starting in football, AND I can’t see anyone’s faces. I only like sports where you can see their faces, like basketball.

Anyhow mostly because this is an excuse to be just as lazy as everyone else in this g-dforsaken country of ours, today we are going to watch The Super Bowl.

We = Tech Editor Taylor, Occasional Contributor Kelsey, me (Riese) and the wise mind behind The bcw Memorial Commenting Award For People Other Than bcw, bcw. You guys can talk about football in the comments I think.

7:19 PM

Taylor: FIT AS MANY WHITE MEN AS YOU CAN ON THE GIANT FOOTBALL

Green Bay Packers won the game, the prize is a necklace made of American Smarties.

7:11 PM:

I hate talking babies I AM READY FOR GLEE NOW PLZ

6:43 PM:

The score is now 25 to 28

6: 22 PM:

That teevee moments montage was the best part so far besides the box-heads.

6:10 PM:

Someone got a penalty against Green Bay.

6:02 PM:

YOU GUYS THEY JUST DID A WHOLE THING ABOUT DETROIT, MY HOME AND NATIVE LAND!

5:51 PM: FOOTBALL IS BORING

Kelsey: “Why was Trader Joes so stinky today?”

Taylor: “We’re not gonna talk about that.”

5:44 PM:

Have you seen the Calendar Girls video yet? It’s very fancy and hip! Everyone is very nice looking and the pool is super gorgeous and everyone is so professional! I have no idea what is happening anymore, I’m eating Doritos in Oakland with a bunny-ear teevee.

Oh anyhow! The score is 21 to 17, I think.

5:37 PM:

There’s a cute baby on the teevee and now it’s time for Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber. They said something at the end that everyone will be upset about probs.

5:17 PM:

You guys I am REALLY INTO USHER I THINK HE IS SO SEXY. He’s such a good dancer! Look at the white outfits. Apparently Usher is 5’3 or something I just heard, whatever. He can wear lifts.

Kelsey: “I think Usher just saved the show.”

bcw: “This reminds me of one of those movies they show in school and those dancers that are lit up in red are the red blood cells.”

Kelsey: “OH MY GOD BOX HEADS — someone went to Ikea.”

Taylor: “I have that storage unit.”

5:15 PM:

It’s Slash!

Riese: “Oh thank G-d someone who is good [Fergie starts singing] Jesus, somebody’s had a few cough drops tonight.”

bcw: “I feel like Slash will appear anywhere for $50,000.”

Taylor: “It doesn’t even actually have to be him.”

Kelsey: “They just get a wig.”

Taylor: “That’s not even his real face, it’s just a mask.”

5:10 PM:

The Black-Eyed Peas ALWAYS sound terrible and I feel like we are not gonna see anyone’s nipples which is depressing.

BCW (about the white guy): That’s the Jonathan Knight of The Black Eyed Peas, he’s gonna come out in two years.”

5:01 PM:

LOOK IT’S YOUR HALFTIME SHOW.

5:oo PM:

It’s 10 to 21 now, the Packers are winning. Asha just presented us with the seven-layer dip. Also Black-Eyed Peas? Does anyone every actually care about them, like OH MY GOD I HAVE TO SEE THE BLACK EYED PEAS I CANNOT PEE YET. They always perform at everything, which is boring.

kelsey: “If I had arms like that, I would be lifting girls against the walls and fucking them all the time.” [to Taylor] “You look cute, like a gentleman suitor.”

4:50 PM:

Kelsey: “I’m worried about this rapist who’s on the loose.”

Taylor: “No, he’s on the field.”

bcw: “They know right where he is.”

Taylor: “And he’s also allowed to play football and make a million dollars.”

Kelsey: “What are you flipping, flipster?”

We’ve just clarified that the poppers will be jalapeno, not the drug. Also somebody just scored a point. The Packers have 21 and the Steelers have 3 points.

4:45 PM:

Taylor: “Their team colors are so similar that I’m having trouble telling them apart. This is going to be a systemic issue, I fear.”

Kelsey: “This wine is kinda bad. But it only cost two dollars.”

Taylor: “White zin is never bad.”

4:40 PM:

Taylor is eating ice cream out of the tub. It’s mint chocolate chips and looks pretty good.

4:33:

Oh, sexual assault. Love how they just drop that in there like it’s nbd.

4:20:

Good news, we’re going to debut the first Calendar Girls post at halftime I think.

4:14:

Taylor: “Last year we had to care about New Orleans because they had that big disaster. But nobody here has had a like, disaster. There’s no cultural underdog to root for.”

Kelsey: “Kitty cat kitty cat kitty cat.”

4:08:

Kelsey & Taylor have arrived with PITA CHIPS! Also Green Bay got another touchdown. Kelsey is staring at the teevee saying, “I’ve never seen football like this before. I mean it’s so high def.”

4:01:

Time goes by so slowly

PACKERS SCORED A POINT OR SOMETHING!

4:00:

Announcer 1: “John Madden is actually texting somebody”

Announcer 2: “I was gonna say, who is John Madden texting?”

Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz are there, so is Michael Douglass and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

3:50 PM:

Someone paid more to produce that gross Doritos ad than Autostraddle will ever make.

3:45 PM:

So far nobody has made any points or scored any points.

3:37 PM:

bcw: “I think the best part of these sports games is that they like, always have a new ball, nobody has to like run into the street to grab the frisbee.”

I just remembered that I asked for hot dogs today and I bet nobody got hot dogs. Because I want so many things.

3:34 PM:

bcw: Who won the coin toss?

me: Christina Aguilera I think.

3:30 PM:

Taylor & Kelsey aren’t here yet. It’s the Green Bay Packers versus the Pittsburgh Steelers. Wasn’t it always weird how Queer as Folk was set in Pittsburgh? You know?

3:24 PM:

Christina Aguilera just sang the National Anthem. Did you see that? Is this whole thing gonna be about America.

3:20 PM:

Lea Michele is singing the “America the Beautiful” making this the first time that someone I know personally is singing “America the Beautiful” on National Television for the National Football League. I’m going to find out what teams are playing and brb.

3:07 PM:

“Look I just tackled you, like in football!” -bcw


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riese

Marie Lyn Bernard, aka Riese, is an award-winning writer, blogger, journalist, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in the midwest, lost her mind in New York City and is currently making it work in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better, The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image and The Hazards of Being Female," "Dirty Girls," and "The Best American Erotica of 2007," magazines including Nylon, Marie Claire, GO, Curve, Interlude, and CollegeBound, and all over the web including nerve.com, Jezebel, Queerty, Emily Books and OurChart (RIP). She was the recapper for The L Word Online and host of Showtime’s Lezberado and her personal blog has earned many dubious honors including Best Personal Blog 2008. Riese has spoken about blogging, community-building, feminism, cyberculture and sexuality at places like BlogHer, Yale, New York University, The University of Chicago and The Museum of Sex. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Interlochen Arts Academy and The Olive Garden's week-long training intensive; she enjoys eating foods, having big ideas, reading books & talking to her stuffed dog, Tinkerbell. Also, she's Jewish. Follow her smokin’ hot adventures on twitter. Contact: riese[at]autostraddle.com

Riese has written 2893 articles for us.

102 Comments

  1. NICE ASSES!

    Oh wait sorry. I’m supposed to be talking about the NFL Super Bowl right now but all I can think about is the Lingerie football league. Which angers me and excites me at the same time. (Angers me because I know most of the people that watch don’t watch for the athleticism, so IMHO it’s pretty sexist) but hey, the women do it to themselves I’d have to say.

    Though I would love this to be a positive night, I can’t help but count all of the sexist, homophobic and racist commercial ads they will play this year. Anybody wanna join me?

  2. Football isn’t one of the sports I really care about – but I’ll watch a good college game once in a while. I’m just here for the liveblog. :)

    w/ Riese on liking to see players faces. I don’t necessarily need to know the rules of a game either. I really like watching rugby (and now they’re *hugging* aww. that’s nice, wait, is that guy dead?)

    …and one of the most fun sport things was discovering and watching women’s handball in the 2008 Olympics when Norway won the gold.

  3. Ok,who else was waiting for the rest of the Glee cast to appear? It’s midnight here, I’ve already eaten a whole box of Milk duds, I need to go to sleep, but I want to follow you guys. My screen is taking foreverrrr to refreakinrefresh

  4. I know the Superbowl is huge in the US and all but GUYS THE FED CUP IS ONGOING. Why watch dudes running after a ball when you could be watching hot female tennisplayers sweating and groaning? I mean, playing tennis. I guess.
    I do genuinely like tennis but this afternoon’s game with Yanina Wickmayer took my interest to a whole new level which I am not over yet so I felt like sharing and encourage y’all to googleimages her.

  5. “Oh, sexual assault. Love how they just drop that in there like it’s nbd.”

    I know it’s like “whatever, the stupid bitch just wanted money, fame”. And the right before the game started when Ben talked about the whole situation being over exaggerated and how everybody just stuck behind him it really pissed me off.

  6. “The Black-Eyed Peas ALWAYS sound terrible and I feel like we are not gonna see anyone’s nipples which is depressing.”

    I agree, the only song I’ve always really liked from them is “Where is the Love”.

  7. This is the first time in years i’m out of the country when the Superbowl is on and I’ve gotta tell you, it feels pretty fantastic. No one here cares!

    My main beef with American football is that it takes too damn long especially when it’s supposed to be 60 minutes of playing time. 2.5 hours of my life gone from a single football game? gtfo!

  8. This is the first time I’ve ever had feelings about the superbowl. Namely “I’m home sick from work and feel like I need to be watching trashy daytime tv in my underwear but I can’t because the superbowl is on four channels and my brother in law is staying with us. And why is the superbowl on four channels in Australia when we don’t even play this sport?” feelings.

    In summary; can someone bring me chicken noodle soup and a DVD of something that is not American football?

  9. Oh, also, Eminem is a big douchenozzley tool. I do not see why that Detroit commercial was just a BFD to everyone on my Facebook feed. Maybe it’s because it came after that stupid Brisk commercial that had a CLAYMATION Eminem talking about why he doesn’t do TV commercials. Bleh.

    Eminem, Usher, Slash… it felt like 2003 or something.

  10. so this is embarrassing, but I know so little about football that I didn’t know who was playing in the super bowl until a few days ago. do you know how I found out? well, I found out because someone posted a “PACKERS” facebook status and I thought they were talking about, like, packing, dicks, do you know what I mean

    they were not. super unfortunate.

  11. I watched the Super Bowl because I like football not love/follow it. I also appreciate the snide remarks and booze that super bowl sunday brings. All in all it was a good game and I was happy to see the Packers win.

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