Recap: Real L Word Extended Behind-the-Scenes Preview

REAL L WORD:

If you missed last night’s preview of The Real L Word on Showtime, you are probs feeling very deprived of lesbian executive “realness” right now. Luckily, not only did Alex & I watch it, but I have recapped it for you. Sigh. F*cking recaps, just thinking about you makes me want to go to sleep/cut a line.

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“From the creator of The L Word,” the voiceover begins. Thank the lord it’s the creepy Voiceover Oracle and not Ilene Chaiken in a burning bush. So to speak.

Every time I hear Voiceover Oracle’s voice, I’m haunted by memories of the silk sheet floating on the bed and being told “one of our favorites will take the fall.”

Voiceover Oracle continues, “The Real L Word is going to make fiction a reality.” Um, Willy Wonka called and he said “Strike that, reverse it.”

And our first big lie comes from a cast member: “It’s a pretty diverse group of girls.” I think they meant to say, “It’s a pretty group of girls.”

MIKEY:
Where Mikey grew up there were Crips and Bloods shooting at each other all night, and now she runs a fashion show! She hopes her style will inspire you. So no matter where you come from and what Jets & Sharks are shooting each other outside your door, if you’re as good-looking and well-dressed as Mikey, you too can one day be on a reality teevee show about lesbians.

WHITNEY:
Whitney is the playa who is looking for love but gets distracted by lust and her dreadlocks getting in her eyes.

Although she was attempting to tame her wild ways, the first week of filming things got crazy! “Have you ever heard the expression; when it rains, it pours?” Whitney asks. And just when you think she’s gonna launch into a Lusty-Distraction-Heavy story about squirting… Whitney says, “I had lots of unexpected girl drama… if you will?”

Alex: Really? Unexpected?

ROSE:
Did you know that the character of Papi was not, in fact, based on a conglomerate of one-dimensional stereotypes about Latina women and was, in fact, a direct representation of an actual human being? Me neither. Well, The L Word has always been very educational. I mean, who even knew that “nipple confidence” was a real thing? Right? Amirite ladies?

“The Papi character is loosely based on me,” says Rose. Really Rose, really? Don’t admit that in public, that’s like when I used to tell everyone about the time Canadian Border Patrol found nudie magazines in my ex-boyfriend’s trunk and he’d yell at me “that’s embarrassing!” ’cause that’s just one story you don’t tell — Rose does air quotes around “loosely” and then shoves her fists through her giant hoop earrings to demonstrate what loose feels like for a girl, just like Papi always did. The good news is that Crystal loves Papi.

“I hate being single, dude,” says Rose to her friends. “That’s why I fuck like five girls at a time.” She must have magic hands! This season Rose falls in love!

Rose is now “a more mature version of that character who just realized that ‘kissing is cheating.” Furthermore, she’s here to tell the untold story of “someone who was an avid clubgoer come of age,” she continues. It’s like Celebrity Rehab but without Kari Ann. ‘Cause we all know girlfriend did not come of age on that show not even in Sober House. Kari Ann, what a wreck.

This ain’t no Little House on the Prairie kids, there will be no butter-churning in this coming of age story, only fingerblasting.

TRACY:
Wait. Tracy Ryerson actually is real. She’s beautiful, is dating a woman with three kids, and she is smizing the fuck out of my teevee.  No snark. Haay girl.

NIKKI & JILL:
Nikki is one of those people who says “now, the funny story is,” and tells a story that’s not funny. In this case, the story is about this one time at summer camp when Nikki and Jill were friendsies but omg, then Nikki dated Jill’s brother! I know right?! Nikki was 10 when she snagged her “first boyfriend,” which’s um, young. Then he went through puberty, turned into an actual boy, and she switched off to Jill. Now they are engaged to be not-married.

Jill says some stuff about how this has never been done before (not true — Gimme Sugar!, which I also loathed!) and how they are going to take the pressure off people who are lesbians who feel alone because lesbians are just like everyone else. Jill confesses that she and Nikki are the ‘straighest gay couple’ around.

OMG, she’s so right! Looking at her beautiful face, fancy house and impeccably eyebrowed girlfriend does make me feel totally okay about being myself. I’m going to go bathe myself and love myself all over… oh wait, one of the six other people I’m sharing a bathroom with (Budget! NYC is expensive! we’re unemployed) is in there. Anyhoo.

At the end they all say a bunch of stuff about how it’s totally 100% real, etc etc, just like unicorns, and gay marriage.

THIS JUST IN. The poster:


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Next: Molly Ringwald talks to The Advocate about her new book and the lack of gays in john hughes films, A BRAND NEW EPISODE OF ANYONE BUT ME WITH A TWIST AT THE END THAT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND, and more!

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Avatar of Riese

Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1719 articles for us.

88 Comments

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    ‘Nikki is one of those people who says “now, the funny story is,” and tells a story that’s not funny.’ This line is hilarious. Yeah, we all know those people and those of us with any sense fear becoming one.

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    upside to the ‘real’ l word? i now have a new drinking game where i take a shot every time those bitches tell me how ‘real’ their show is. i’ll probs have to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, but wait! i don’t have health insurance…so scratch that. thanks, america.

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    “The video you are trying to watch cannot me viewed from your current country or location.”

    Europe is working hard to stop americanisms[/trash tv] from infiltrating our euroTrash culture.

    (But really, is there another site hosting the trailer?)

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      I hope there’s another! But when it’s actually shown on the television you can be sure someone will upload it online to lots of different sources so all us Europe-ers (im trying out a replacement for the word European, and it’s clearly working) can watch the full thing then! And yeah, I think it may be too late, I was caught saying the word awesome today, it was a worrying development.

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          Ah your a legend, thankyou! So long as we dont start talking in American accents then we know we’ve maintained some of our unique Europe-ness!

          And after watching the clip ive realised that apparently I need to get me a tatt before im a fully fledged lesbo!

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          Hmm, do you think it should be pronounced EURoper with the emphasis on the first syllable, or euROPer to rhyme with Europa?

          I try and stop myself when I feel the urge to use awesome, but I think I will relent if we can send back a different word for the Americans to use in its stead. Maybe spiffing.

          Anyway, thanks for the link – TRLW looks like it will be gruesomely compelling.

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          I don’t know if that will catch on as an alternative to “awesome”. “Spiffing” sounds a little dirty to my Western-American ears.

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          I think it should be pronounced eUROper just to confuse matters even further. I dont even see myself as European weirdly, I just think that the UK and Ireland are really similar and that we’re not actual Europers because they’re all so tanned and beautiful and we’re just not! I like that, you Brits can send back spiffing or something equally posh and us Irish shall send back the word savage (pronounced SSSAAAAVVVVAAAGGGEEE!!! to describe something amazing!

          Also in an unrelated note, I just noticed the fact that in the poster, the woman in the middle’s vagina is literally the sun, im impressed!

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          Hmm, the vagina-sun might explain why she seemed to not blink at all (which I found most unerring) she was obvs too dazzled by the solar glare of her own nether regions.

          Yeah, there is a massive divide between our strange islands and continental Europe, which I like, because it would be depressing to travel round Europe if they all had the same attitudes as here.

          SAVAAAAGE! I like that. Although not to be confused with savvadge, which would be a cannibalistic ladypart. Possibly with sun shining out of it.

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          I agree about the tanning (oh and the beautiful thing)!! I’m fair haired, so typically just go red in the sun, the only time I appear tanned is when my freckles bloom and join together!!
          Yeah, Ireland you’re our next door neighbour! :)

          Oh dear because me & my computer are so slow tonight my comments are getting out of sequence – soz!

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          Your welcome!

          I know what you mean about the tattoos, maybe Autostraddle could design some(hint, hint a;ex) but you know maybe fake ones, like you got free with bubble-gum as a kid?

          I think perhaps with emphasis on ‘EUR’??

          I’m racking my brains for a suitable swap for ‘awesome’, but can’t think of any right now! oh and I tried saying ‘rad’ once, haha – it just sounded so wrong in my English accent, fortunately no-one heard me!!
          I do have a weakness for American accents though.

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          No way, English accents are hands down the best/hottest of all time, but it’s personal preference I know!

          Im pretty sure they still sell those temporary tattoos in chewing gum, at least I hope they do. I wonder could I put on a whole arm full of them for pride to impress the ladies!

          Ooh, I have an English equivilant for awesome-> Wicked! or am I way behind the times here?!

          Haha, savvadge could never happen with Ms. Vagina-Sun because if you look directly at her nether regions your eyes would literally combust!

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          But there are millions of different English accents! I’m guessing you mean the posh ones, but I hanker after a bit of hardcore northernness, now that my own accent has become somewhat diluted.

          I think wicked is a bit out-dated now, but all retro things come back into fashion eventually, right? I’m partial to the word immense myself, but among my geek contingent, uber is used quite a lot.

          So if she’s not savvadge, could she have a supernovadge?

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          I def prefer Southern English accents but the Northern ones arent so bad, id have a bit of an aversion to really strong Liverpool but no more so than my aversion to really strong Dublin accents! The London posh is a bit too posh aswell, goodness im being very picky.

          Flip, and here’s me thinking I was down with the kids when I said wicked! Hmm, do you guys still say fit when you want to say someone is hot? I like uber, it’d make a nice change from unreal, which we also say too much!

          Haha I love it, no wonder Supernovavadge gets all the ladies, shes also known as Solarvadge sometimes when shes being more discreet. Seriously though, who let that poster be made, shame on them!

          Also, if the trailer is anything to go, and based on my mathematic calculations, every episode of the actual show will feature the word ‘real’ roughly 348 times.

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          ooh I’ll have to go buy some bubblegum tomorrow, as I’m venturing off to my first big pride at the end of May, so need all the help I can get!
          Wicked – ace – they’re still whispering around, I like uber, could use it a bit like ‘super’ to accentuate things like cool, cute etc,
          Hey why are we still all up? I guess you guys are night owls too?
          p.s, Tracey is my fave, the way she looks in that hat near the end, hellooo!!

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          You could also get yourself one of these and be a real lesbian complete with real tattoos or more precisely a real fake tattoo sleeve real -> http://www.anniescostumes.com/TattooSleevesLargeButterflies2.jpg did I mention REAL! I was just wondering why we’re all up this late and not drunk, im up because this is the only time of day or night I can relax and do nothing and not feel study guilt, it’s great!

          Anyway, I think we should all buy fake tattoo sleeves and create our own Real L Word scenelettes, at least then actual and dare I say it again, real, lesbians who arent skinny model types can be represented!

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        I feel your pain. Awesome is like poison, destroying the language from within (especially if your language isn’t even resembling English. Yes, it’s a problem).

        In norwegian, we actually say Europe-er (although obviously pronounced differently), but we’re not from Europe. We’re from Scandinavia. Obviously.

        Let’s get REAL. I’ll watch that for the tattoos and the pretty girls (in that order), on mute. It’s like GossipGirl (with more tattoos)! Really pretty to look at, and that’s the only thing that makes sense.

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          A REAL fake tattoo sleeve – that’s an idea!! (thats sweet you took the time to find that too!)

          Scenelettes! Yes, I’m really not a skinny model type, so I could add some realness to our montage, with of course, our real fake tattoos!

          I’m on an ‘Awesome’ word detox, starting today!

          PAPER-I wish I could hear how you pronounce ‘Europe-er’

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          I know, it’s crazy how they think people who look like that are representative of gay women. I dont think I know a single woman who looks like that (not saying my mates arent beautiful because they are) but then again they want to pull in viewers I suppose! In order to combat this representation ridiculousness I sent in a photo for the AS top 10 of possibly the weirdest photo I could find of me in work clothes and in the back of a jeep, cant get more REAL (did I mention real) than that!

          Anyway, im actually planning on filming a bit when me and a load of my mates go to Brighton pride in the summer, it can be a sortof real lesbians of Dublin: Roadtrip special (real) and we can show everyone what normal lesbians look like and get up to…ie: drinking and then more drinking and then being dramatic and probably falling over!

          Jeepers Paper, im ashamed to admit that I forgot Norway wasnt a part of the EU, I like the place even more now, you didnt want to be part of the EU gang and you have gay marriage, win for Norway on all counts! :-D

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          actually! firstly, i am not defending this show because obviously it is going to suck and i am going to hate it, just like i hate all ‘reality’ shows that are obviously staged, and really like i hate all reality shows in general except for old seasons of “the real world” and ones that are more like mini-documentaries BUT ANYHOW

          here’s the thing: i do know a ton of lesbians that look like that and live like that… that’s west hollywood, that’s how it actually is. but gimme sugar at least managed some racial diversity in WeHo I don’t know why IFC couldn’t do that. anyhow it’s not that these ladies aren’t “real” or aren’t like anyone we know — they are, and it is. this show just represents a very very very specific sub-sub-sub-subculture of lesbians that most women can’t relate to — and because it’s a subculture that also requires a certain level of wealth and natural good looks, it’s one of the most exclusionary subcultures in the community. It’s basically like “The Hills” of lesbians. I hate The Hills

          i’m writing this comment because i am avoiding writing my roundtable response

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          Really, jeepers, I, and probably a few other ladies, had no idea there was an actual scene out there where the women look like that! In fairness, a lot of us probably live in very small sheltered scenes so we have no idea of what’s going on in other gay pubs and clubs around the world. Just so you guys know, I was not being critical of you’re recap or anything, that’s the best part of all of this! In fairness, Ilene could make a reality show about me and my mates…but who in their right mind would want to watch it…gang of short pasty chubby-ish lesbians goes out and gets drunk several times a week, wouldnt really pull in the viewers! I dont know, I cant help but see these women as almost fictional characters and their personalities are so in you’re face and out there, even though they are acual real live lesbians, who look like that, cant get my head round it, that’s just me though obviously! You really dont need to explain yourself at all, you’ve been nothing but hilarious!

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          Oh my gosh,I’m so sorry too,I totally wasn’t being critical of your re-cap either. I love your recaps.

          For me, because all those ladies appear glamorous and look like they lead wayyy more exciting lives than what I do, to someone like me, personally I feel they are totally unattainable and way out of my league. If I’m honest I’m just jealous. I would love to live somewhere where the sun shines pretty much constantly, has a thriving gay scene complete with a host of bars, clubs and coffee shops and with the posibility of meeting women such as these, well it sounds and from what snippets we’ve seen, looks like complete and utter heaven! I can only dream…especially compared to my particular neck of the woods…famed Brit weather, virtually no gay scene, oh and where this last week the air has been fragrant with cow manure, thanks to the frickin,frackin farmers muckspreadin, so yeah my life is literally a little Sh*t right now, on all accounts!

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          oh did i sound like i was upset or thought you were insulting my recaps? i totally do not feel that way at all!!! at all! no one would ever insult my recaps, obvi. LOLZ! i agree with everything you both have said and feel, so i was just you know, participating in the conversation with my pov.

          and yah, w/r/t jealousy… that’s part of what makes these shows hard to handle is that i’m like “gahhhh why do they have all this fucking money that they spend on furniture instead of supporting young queer artistssssss” which’s one of many reasons why I can’t handle any of those shows (The Hills, the one about Laguna Beach or whatever, those Vh1 specials about people with money, MTV Cribs). one thing i actually liked about season one at least was that shane was sort of relate-able to me in that she managed to hang out with all these rich ladies, but was sort of couch-surfing and living hand-to-mouth herself personally. i’ve definitely been to fancy glamorous lesbian events where i feel like the bum in the fancy room.

          honestly, i’d way rather see lesbians that more accurately represent more common lesbian life experiences, it’s way more interesting — like The Office is for straight people. but straight people like to see fancy beautiful lesbians, so this is what we’ve got and it blows

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          Ah that’s fair enough, that’s grand! Sorry, I just misinterpreted what you said, in my defence I probably should have read what you had written when I wasnt drunk, im surprised I was in any way lucid…anyway! I suppose the target market for shows like these isnt really gay ladies, it’s straight people, specifically straight guys and I doubt they’d watch a show where the cast is made up of normal looking gay ladies.

          At least shows like these go some way towards dispelling stereotypes I suppose. Most straight people ive talked to assume that every gay woman is butch and every gay guy is a mincing camp fairy, my own mother even asked me was I the only femme lesbian in Dublin (!) and that now I was out shes terrified i’ll turn all manly, sigh. Anyway, I digress again, I suppose im with Sarah on this one, they’re wealth and glamour is so in your face it’s a bit irritating, luckily I can avoid shows like the Hills because I cant afford a tv! Although, having said that, id never want to be like them, they seem arrogant and vain, id much rather hang out with my mates who bring out hip flasks to save cash and down pints like thirsty farmers than sip coctails with skinny fancy lesbians! Now im not making any sort of point really so I should just stop! :-D Oh, but Sarah, the Brit gay scene can be amazing, but not if your in the countryside, that must suck, lame. :-(

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          *Phew*

          I value your point of view a great deal. And also very thankful too, that you allow us to reply and have conversations about these posts.

          We probs won’t get to see this show in England anyhow. So please, I hope you recap it.

          Ah, buts it’s not all we’ve got now as Autostraddle does a damn fine stirling job of accurately representing real lesbian life experiences, real life – happening right here on this site. So thank you for bringing it to our screens. :)

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          Lou – Yeah its lame on several counts, mainly because I’m in the closet as well as in the countryside! (I do love where I live though, its so pretty this time of year)
          So I’m not a part of any gay scene at the moment :(
          I’m slowly venturing out though,but there’s no scene that I know of in my nearest town, there is 1 club about 30 miles away and another 45. None of my friends are gay, so I’m trying to build up courage to go to a club on my own, I’m pathetic really. Which is why I’m really looking forward to going to my first big pride at the end of May, I need to get out there, meet people and live my life my way for a change and have some fun g*d damn it!!
          P.s, This has got to be like one of the longest thread reply thingy’s everrrr! I promise this is my last post on this thread.

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          Im sorry, but you are absolutely not pathetic in any shape or form. I was the exact same as you were about three years ago, I literally knew no gay people at all and was mad to try out the scene but was afriad to. The fact that you dont know any gay people now is no reflection whatsoever on your personality or who you are. There is nothing pathetic about forging ahead in the scene by yourself, more people than you realise do that…I did that, most of my friends did that. I tried to just go out by myself and see how it went, and it didnt work for me, so instead I tried gay social groups, and I gradually made acquaintances and eventually friends from that. So, my advice, however silly, is to look up gay social or sport groups online and join up and give that a go and see how you get on. I did exactly that and I havent looked back since. :-)

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          EURopers/Saavvvaagggeee for the win! Which is coincedently another American import, I had no idea what FTW meant for ages but it’s acceptably funny so it stays! Also, I blame lack of sleep for our pointless but fun and great for procrastinating rambles! :-D

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          I use to be useless at tx speak before I discovered Autostraddle, I even googled LMAO once because it was bugging the hell out of me. But now I’m getting REALly quite fluent!
          Yes, lack of sleep is the culprit!! But I have to say I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it-totally wickedly savage awesomness!!

          Ooh, I’ll look out for that pix of you! Oh & be sure to post that vid of you and your friends at Brighton pride – Keep it real!!

          Oh and hey look at my gravatar thingy, I have an all over real fake body tattoo now-sweeet!!

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          Yeah, and ROFL, is that a thing? Im REALlynot up to speed with the young people’s text lingo at the mo! Also, that poster makes a savage avatar, great idea, I feel like making it my Facebook profile picture just to confuse people! I have nothing more to add only that im REALly drunk right now, yes!

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    Oh Rose, I am not excited by your presence. I’d be lying if I said I won’t end up watching it. Hahah, oh well. We can all enjoy its… awesomely awfulness [?] together.

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    I can’t wait to watch The REALEST REAL OF ALL REALLY REALLY REAL L Word that’s FOR REAL REAL. I’m seriously pumped. Trainwrecks are my favorite things to watch.

    The fact that someone was paid to make that poster makes me want to cry. That being said, I want that sucka tattooed all over my body because it’s amazing.

    REAL.

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    “Smizing the f out of…” Hah
    I don’t know, I was curious about the show before this preview and now I feel as if none of these ladies pertain to my interest. Maybe it’s California

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    “‘It’s a pretty diverse group of girls.’ I think they meant to say, ‘It’s a pretty group of girls.’”

    THANK YOU FOR THIS. when i first saw the promos for The Totally Accurate L Word i was all like, “WOAH, Ilene, I didn’t know that in the real world all lesbians were white or total racial stereotypes too! BABY GURRLL!”

    Welp, those are all the lines I have, so I’ll get back to my awkward sleeping: http://a5.vox.com/6a00d41421908a685e0109d06ca2b5000e-500pi

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    I’m stoked that I’ll be in America when this show airs, I usually miss out on trashy American tv. I can already tell that I’m going to love Rose as hard as I love Papi.

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    wait. didn’t we mostly watch the l word for naked ladies? obvs these girls are not going to have sexytimefun for us on screen so it’s mostly just be a lot of fighting. that is so depressingly like real life.

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    As much as I hate the whole “you’re too femme to date girls!!!” thing that I get so often, I’m pretty disheartened by the lack of butch girls up in thar. I mean, there’s the fashion show girl, but she’s only kinda butch. Sorta. Bleh.

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    OMG, I am hoping and praying this line was written before you found the poster:

    “From the creator of The L Word,” the voiceover begins. Thank the lord it’s the creepy Voiceover Oracle and not Ilene Chaiken in a burning bush. So to speak.

    I am now picturing IFC in that burning bush. SSSAAAAVVVVAAAGGGEEE!!!

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    Really? All these lesbians and no butches? Not even slightly boi-ish?

    I have a feeling this show is going to turn into safe for tv porn for straight men who thinks lesbian sex it hot.

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    The Rea-L Disappointment that we are going to watch because we have so little else. I agree that it seems to be something created by an Exec in a boardroom who is targeting male fantasy. What a disappointment. ReaL Disappointment.

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