Pretty Little Liars Recap 411: Going Down on the Hoe

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only real proof that I can maintain a committed, long-term relationship. This week’s episode is brought to you by the red dye I’m currently letting soak in my hair and the sudden realization that there isn’t a single redheaded character on Pretty Little Liars. Am I out of style?

Pretty Little Gingers

Pretty Little Gingers

This episode is also brought to you by the feeling of spilling the cheese packet from your Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese on the floor. Life is so hard.

As you may or definitely don’t remember, last week Emily discovered someone living in a crawl space in the DiLaurentis household. Emily immediately assumed this was the home sweet home of A or Redcoat or the Boogy Man. We already know that because we watch those super creepy scenes at the end of each episode.

This week’s episode features Emily and Paige queering a farm, or at that’s what I was repeatedly promised on Tumblr.


We open on Rosewood High where one very freaked out teen lesbian gushes to Spencer and a middle aged tiger enthusiast all about the mystery crawl space. Cece is still the prime suspect based on the fact that no one likes her very much and it’s just so much easier to gang up on someone than to be creative or think outside the box.

You just cup them like this

You just cup them like this

Fortunately no one seems worried about what sort of intel A might be gathering or traps she might be setting in motion. Nope, everyone’s just really concerned with Emily’s cooch. Well aren’t we all.

She could have said "Emily wears crotchless panties"

She could have said “Emily wears crotchless panties”

What? And ruin all of our hopes and dreams?

What? And ruin all of our hopes and dreams?

Underwear week aside, everyone is real concerned about this whole Cece situation. That is until Hanna rocks up with her typical My Mom is Fucked agenda because, well, her mom is so fucked. Now that Mistress Lawyer Hastings can’t defend Ashley, there’s looking like no hope for her. All of the lawyers in town are either not good enough or threatened by Hanna’s power blazer.

Just remembered she left kegal balls in

Just remembered she left kegel balls in

Just then, Badass Lezzie Detective shows up to play her favorite game: interviewing minors without their parents’ consent. Actually, Emily’s 18 now. Hawt.

Who here can tell me where to buy vaginal douche?

Who here can tell me where to buy scented vaginal douche?

Regardless she’s probably not allowed to confront students on school property like this. But we all know Rosewood High has as few rules as it does locks on the doors. Oh well.

That's, like, really bad for your vaginal health

That’s, like, really bad for your vaginal health

Badass Lezzie Detective tells Emily that they found a muddy high-heel shoe at the wreckage of her house. No one is happy.

Or anyone's munch for that matter

Or anyone’s munch for that matter

Hanna, upon hearing this terrible news, storms off to go start the revolution or maybe just to go cry in a corner. I find they’re often the same thing. The other Liars catch up with her and the girls hatch a plan. They figure Badass Lezzie Detective needs a push in the Cece direction. So where to go for incriminating evidence? Duh! The crawl space!

If I can wear a door knocker as an earring than we can solve this mystery

If I can wear a door knocker as an earring then we can solve this mystery

The girls decide the perfect distraction for Jessica DiLaurentis is for her to take Hanna shopping. Why would Hanna need a parent to help her shop?! Because tonight is the big Hoedown dance! That’s right, Hoedown! Let’s say it one more time: Hoedown!

I hope it’s just like this:

The Liars part ways and Hanna takes a moment to cry by the vending machines. Like I said, starting the revolution.

Alex Vaus might not be coming back to Orange is the New Black!?

Alex Vause might not be coming back to Orange is the New Black!?

While she does some guys with a buzzcut stares at her. It’s creepy.

And not a day over 35

And looking not a day over 35

Elsewhere Emily hides out in a classroom printing something out. For those of you who who might actually be attending high school right now, that’s what we used to do before everything was just on our iPhones.

It appears to be some sort of vintage version of an iPad

It appears to be some sort of vintage version of an iPad

Paige walks by, just getting in from her part-time job as a mail carrier, and wants to chat. She’s like, “Hey are we together because I know things have been weird but I’d really like to continue fucking your face.” She also asks if they’re still on for the dance, but the way you do when you know someone’s been avoiding you. So you’re like, “Oh do you want to do that thing or not at all because I never wanted to do it anyways it was a stupid idea.”

Just wondering if you wanted to catch up later and help me deliver the express mail.

I just want to show you my package

Paige wants to go to the Hoedown Throwdown. Emily acts like Danny from Grease. Not beginning of the musical Danny or end of the musical Danny when he’s all in love with Sandy, but evasive middle of the musical Danny.

Crap I completely forgot I had a girlfriend on this show

Completely forgot she had a girlfriend on this show

Paige sees Emily’s paper and immediately IDs it as a recommendation letter from Zoe the Habitat For Humanity Trip Leader.

Re: her package

Re: her package

It’s super flattering and Paige is super insecure so she immediately start in on how Zoe is so totally in love with Emily. I get that Rosewood is the land of age inappropriate relationships, but Zoe looked about 25 to me. I’m 25 and I would never ever ever hook up with a high school student. Like ever.

Those are called "straight weddings"

Those are called “straight weddings”

Out in the courtyard, Sensei Hot Stuff tracks down Aria after school. See, he thought that when you have a perfectly lovely evening of street burritos that means you’re in a relationship. Or at least a fling. Or at least follow up coffee.

I had this really great idea for something new we could do with bananas...

I had this really great idea for something new we could do with bananas…

Sad sad sad silly silly monkey.

Aria has a million made up things to do that afternoon, so she invites Sensei to the Hoedown Throwdown. He says yes which is confusing for Aria since she’s never been with a guy who she could been seen in public with, and confusing for me since everyone knows grown ass monkeys never want to go to a high school dance.

Nothing as long as you use tons of lube

Nothing as long as you use tons of lube

Inside, in his class of language and despair, sad-sack Ezra hangs his head and sits like he forgot to DVR Breaking Amish. Remember, he just “lost” his “son.” Emily walks in because they’re bffs and also because Ezra’s helping her with her college apps.

Is this sort of like the time I lost the last DVD of Season Two of The L Word?

Is this sort of like the time I lost the last DVD of Season Two of The L Word?

Paige’s comment must have snuck its way into Emily’s head, because now Emily’s all concerned that the recommendation is “too good.” Ezra freaks out at Emily about it, because his problems are the worst problems.

PLL411-00120

Like some people don’t have homes. Because someone drove a car into it.

Ezra is being a curmudgeon. FYI Ezra, your problems are not the worst problems either.

Like real death. Not just dyeing their hair.

Like real death. Not just dying their hair.

He also lets it slip that Maggie Mac is moving Malcolm, but he tells Emily not to tell Aria. Nothing like a secret to get the episode started off right!

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?

In the halls, Caleb rolls up all smiles. He just learned that Hannah Hart is going to A-Camp and now he’s totes going too! She’s his second favorite Hanna. But like way second because his girlfriend is the most important thing to him, now and for forever.

Do you think Hannah Hart will sign my My Drunk Kitchen apron?

Do you think Hannah Hart will sign my My Drunk Kitchen apron?

Caleb is so psyched for the Hoedown Throwdown. Even though Hanna isn’t sure how she feels about plaid, she wonders if it’s too much of a stereotype that Caleb fucking loves plaid and really needs this excuse to show off his collection. Also Caleb only cares about Hanna and her happiness and he thinks this will cheer her up. So they’re going.

Since when don't you like wearing plaid to subvert the patriarchal idea that women shouldn't do manual labor?

Since when don’t you like wearing plaid to subvert the patriarchal idea that women shouldn’t do manual labor?

Caleb walks away. Then someone leaves a shitton of cash in Hanna’s locker. Possibly Buzzcut.

Because who ever met a problem you couldn't solve with money?

Because who ever met a problem you couldn’t solve with money?


Across town news of Hanna’s new monetary gains has made its way to Spencer. Spencer can smell money a mile away. She thinks it’s from Cece because apparently the envelope was from Cece’s store or something.

If you don't share my love of money this relationship is not going to work out.

If you don’t share my love of money this relationship is not going to work out.

TobAy doesn’t give a shit about Hanna or her money or Cece. Seriously he basically tells Spencer to shut up and stop asking questions.

Like with a girl

Like with a girl

While Spencer’s busy freaking out about the money and Ashley Marin, TobAy realizes that there’s music playing from the car. Stop the motherfucking presses it’s a CD of his mom singing. From A. Just kidding, I don’t give a crap about this plot line. Sorry.

I just have so many feelings

I just have so many feelings

TobAy flips out and wants to go see his mother’s old doctor, Dr. Palmer, again. He asks Spencer to derail all her plans with the other Liars for that evening and then throws a tantrum. I hate him.

Just realized she's dating a caveman

Just realized she’s dating a caveman

Also, just in case you’ve ever been unclear as to why Caleb is a lesbian but TobAy is a fucking cro-magnon, I’ll clarify. It’s because while Caleb spends all of his time obsessing over Hanna to the point of self-destruction, TobAy really only cares about himself. Also because Caleb really does love plaid.


 

At the Life Cafe Hanna grabs a latte just in time to see buzzcut walk in. She tells him to stop stalking her. Clearly he gave her the money and is actually Pastor Ted’s long lost son or something.

Are you the guy who played Thor?

Are you the guy who played Elliot on Gossip Girl?


Elsewhere Emily and Aria scan the crawlspace. The two only find a button before Spencer shows up to join the group the save the day. As soon as she does they hear footsteps upstairs. But who could it be? Jessica DiLaurentis is off with Hanna.

And the best tits

And the best tits

They peer through the holes in the ceiling but as they do someone starts to send knitting needles down the holes! It was fucking scary. I freaked out.

This is not what I meant by Yarn Bombing

This is not what I meant by Yarn Bombing

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Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 273 articles for us.

19 Comments

  1. Thumb up 3

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    “Is Emily making girlfriend drama out of nothing? That would be the most lesbian thing ever.” that is so f****** funny because it can’t be any more true!

    i don’t know how to process my feeling yet. i’m not yet sober from the hoe down scenes. i was hypnotized by lindsey’s abdominals the whole time that i forgot shay was showing off her white bra.

  2. Thumb up 2

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    Is it just me or does Buzzcut look like Wilden? Not that I clearly recall what Wilden looks like, but I’ve decided there’s bad blood between Wilden and Buzzcut’s father because Buzzcut’s father is in fact Wilden’s father.

    I feel that I am better at PLL theories now that I’ve quit watching the show in favor of reading these recaps.

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      All the men on this show look alike because the casting calls were probably all for ‘mysterious/vacant looking hunk who could be on the cover of a Young Adult novel and may or may not actually be 30; must have abs that can cut glass’. Sensei Jake looks just like Garrett too.

  3. Thumb up 6

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    Although at first glace it looks like a mail carrier uniform, Paige is actually wearing a Boy Scouts of America shirt in that computer lab scene. It was the only time this episode I had to press pause to get a closer look at something.

  4. Thumb up 1

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    If Ezria happens again I will lose it. The end of that relationship was the best thing to happen to Aria. I would watch 1000 hours of the Toby’s mother b.s. before I would tolerate another minute of that coupling. It would be cruel to tease us with the possibility that Ezria is over only to throw it in our faces.

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    OMG LOL @ the captions especially the ones where Emily & Spencer are in the truck!! LMAO!! And that Realest Moment of TV?? Perfect!! :-D

    Nice recap Doc Lizz! ^_^

    *Also I reaallly hope we learn MORE in this coming Summer finale (?) episode! I love PLL (eerrr Emily) but I can’t deal with any other additional characters and/or unrelated stories that are obvs just added to confuse us all. #justsaying

  6. Thumb up 3

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    My favorite part of this episode has to be when the camera panned to Caleb and he had two plates overflowing with nothing but fried chicken, and then Spencer just rolled in and took it away from him. Like, ripped from his hands as he was about to shove it all in his mouth.

    It’s how I feel when we finally get an Emily/Paige scene and then they cut to Aria and Ezra.

    But, great recap, as always. :)

  7. Thumb up 0

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    Captain’s Log:

    It’s day 6,458. My crush on Troian grows stronger by the day. Wait, are those overalls? Make that by the minute.

    Also, some mysterious killer stabbing a spear randomly through the holes above you while you’re trapped in a crawl space is probably my greatest fear that I didn’t even know I had actualized. Thanks for that, Marlene King.

    Also also, Toby says he got a text from Hannah’s mom. Can you text from prison?

  8. Thumb up 0

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    So, I only read these recaps, I don’t actually watch the show, and it is possible that that I would not have this question if I actually did watch it… but maybe you guys can help me out.

    Do y’all remember when Spencer and Emily went to that sorority party and there was a photo of a creepy sorority mother with a tribal mask and a weird room with a phone that rang the tune of Alison’s parrot’s song… did was that whole situation ever explained? Are we waiting for it to be explained? I am very curious.

    Thank you!

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      A lot of events go unexplained. Remember the time Jenna was found unconscious in a lake at Emily’s birthday party? Maybe I missed it, but it was never mentioned again. I guess the writers have bigger fish to fry…like the creepy house mother lead, the never-ending ode of CeCe, the Marin murder case, Toby’s possibly murdered mother, Wren’s shenanigans(he’s apparently the only mental health professional in all of Rosewood), and the list goes on. There’s a lot of loose ends this season. I’ll keep on watching, of course.

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    That was a good point about Cece – she’s far too rubbish and low-tech in her spying to be A/Red Coat.

    I don’t think Emily and Paige themselves knew if they’d broken up or not, that was why they were so awkward around each other. It was sweet.

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