Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only real proof that I can maintain a committed, long-term relationship. This week’s episode is brought to you by the red dye I’m currently letting soak in my hair and the sudden realization that there isn’t a single redheaded character on Pretty Little Liars. Am I out of style?
This episode is also brought to you by the feeling of spilling the cheese packet from your Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese on the floor. Life is so hard.
As you may or definitely don’t remember, last week Emily discovered someone living in a crawl space in the DiLaurentis household. Emily immediately assumed this was the home sweet home of A or Redcoat or the Boogy Man. We already know that because we watch those super creepy scenes at the end of each episode.
This week’s episode features Emily and Paige queering a farm, or at that’s what I was repeatedly promised on Tumblr.
We open on Rosewood High where one very freaked out teen lesbian gushes to Spencer and a middle aged tiger enthusiast all about the mystery crawl space. Cece is still the prime suspect based on the fact that no one likes her very much and it’s just so much easier to gang up on someone than to be creative or think outside the box.
Fortunately no one seems worried about what sort of intel A might be gathering or traps she might be setting in motion. Nope, everyone’s just really concerned with Emily’s cooch. Well aren’t we all.
Underwear week aside, everyone is real concerned about this whole Cece situation. That is until Hanna rocks up with her typical My Mom is Fucked agenda because, well, her mom is so fucked. Now that Mistress Lawyer Hastings can’t defend Ashley, there’s looking like no hope for her. All of the lawyers in town are either not good enough or threatened by Hanna’s power blazer.
Just then, Badass Lezzie Detective shows up to play her favorite game: interviewing minors without their parents’ consent. Actually, Emily’s 18 now. Hawt.
Regardless she’s probably not allowed to confront students on school property like this. But we all know Rosewood High has as few rules as it does locks on the doors. Oh well.
Badass Lezzie Detective tells Emily that they found a muddy high-heel shoe at the wreckage of her house. No one is happy.
Hanna, upon hearing this terrible news, storms off to go start the revolution or maybe just to go cry in a corner. I find they’re often the same thing. The other Liars catch up with her and the girls hatch a plan. They figure Badass Lezzie Detective needs a push in the Cece direction. So where to go for incriminating evidence? Duh! The crawl space!
The girls decide the perfect distraction for Jessica DiLaurentis is for her to take Hanna shopping. Why would Hanna need a parent to help her shop?! Because tonight is the big Hoedown dance! That’s right, Hoedown! Let’s say it one more time: Hoedown!
I hope it’s just like this:
The Liars part ways and Hanna takes a moment to cry by the vending machines. Like I said, starting the revolution.
While she does some guys with a buzzcut stares at her. It’s creepy.
Elsewhere Emily hides out in a classroom printing something out. For those of you who who might actually be attending high school right now, that’s what we used to do before everything was just on our iPhones.
Paige walks by, just getting in from her part-time job as a mail carrier, and wants to chat. She’s like, “Hey are we together because I know things have been weird but I’d really like to continue fucking your face.” She also asks if they’re still on for the dance, but the way you do when you know someone’s been avoiding you. So you’re like, “Oh do you want to do that thing or not at all because I never wanted to do it anyways it was a stupid idea.”
Paige wants to go to the Hoedown Throwdown. Emily acts like Danny from Grease. Not beginning of the musical Danny or end of the musical Danny when he’s all in love with Sandy, but evasive middle of the musical Danny.
Paige sees Emily’s paper and immediately IDs it as a recommendation letter from Zoe the Habitat For Humanity Trip Leader.
It’s super flattering and Paige is super insecure so she immediately start in on how Zoe is so totally in love with Emily. I get that Rosewood is the land of age inappropriate relationships, but Zoe looked about 25 to me. I’m 25 and I would never ever ever hook up with a high school student. Like ever.
Out in the courtyard, Sensei Hot Stuff tracks down Aria after school. See, he thought that when you have a perfectly lovely evening of street burritos that means you’re in a relationship. Or at least a fling. Or at least follow up coffee.
Sad sad sad silly silly monkey.
Aria has a million made up things to do that afternoon, so she invites Sensei to the Hoedown Throwdown. He says yes which is confusing for Aria since she’s never been with a guy who she could been seen in public with, and confusing for me since everyone knows grown ass monkeys never want to go to a high school dance.
Inside, in his class of language and despair, sad-sack Ezra hangs his head and sits like he forgot to DVR Breaking Amish. Remember, he just “lost” his “son.” Emily walks in because they’re bffs and also because Ezra’s helping her with her college apps.
Paige’s comment must have snuck its way into Emily’s head, because now Emily’s all concerned that the recommendation is “too good.” Ezra freaks out at Emily about it, because his problems are the worst problems.
Ezra is being a curmudgeon. FYI Ezra, your problems are not the worst problems either.
He also lets it slip that Maggie Mac is moving Malcolm, but he tells Emily not to tell Aria. Nothing like a secret to get the episode started off right!
In the halls, Caleb rolls up all smiles. He just learned that Hannah Hart is going to A-Camp and now he’s totes going too! She’s his second favorite Hanna. But like way second because his girlfriend is the most important thing to him, now and for forever.
Caleb is so psyched for the Hoedown Throwdown. Even though Hanna isn’t sure how she feels about plaid, she wonders if it’s too much of a stereotype that Caleb fucking loves plaid and really needs this excuse to show off his collection. Also Caleb only cares about Hanna and her happiness and he thinks this will cheer her up. So they’re going.
Caleb walks away. Then someone leaves a shitton of cash in Hanna’s locker. Possibly Buzzcut.
Across town news of Hanna’s new monetary gains has made its way to Spencer. Spencer can smell money a mile away. She thinks it’s from Cece because apparently the envelope was from Cece’s store or something.
TobAy doesn’t give a shit about Hanna or her money or Cece. Seriously he basically tells Spencer to shut up and stop asking questions.
While Spencer’s busy freaking out about the money and Ashley Marin, TobAy realizes that there’s music playing from the car. Stop the motherfucking presses it’s a CD of his mom singing. From A. Just kidding, I don’t give a crap about this plot line. Sorry.
TobAy flips out and wants to go see his mother’s old doctor, Dr. Palmer, again. He asks Spencer to derail all her plans with the other Liars for that evening and then throws a tantrum. I hate him.
Also, just in case you’ve ever been unclear as to why Caleb is a lesbian but TobAy is a fucking cro-magnon, I’ll clarify. It’s because while Caleb spends all of his time obsessing over Hanna to the point of self-destruction, TobAy really only cares about himself. Also because Caleb really does love plaid.
At the Life Cafe Hanna grabs a latte just in time to see buzzcut walk in. She tells him to stop stalking her. Clearly he gave her the money and is actually Pastor Ted’s long lost son or something.
Elsewhere Emily and Aria scan the crawlspace. The two only find a button before Spencer shows up to join the group the save the day. As soon as she does they hear footsteps upstairs. But who could it be? Jessica DiLaurentis is off with Hanna.
They peer through the holes in the ceiling but as they do someone starts to send knitting needles down the holes! It was fucking scary. I freaked out.