Timejump to later in the afternoon where Hanna has finally returned from shopping and the Liars gather at Spencer’s. The Liar relay the knitting needles of death to Hanna. She thinks this would be a great way to trap A. Emily thinks this would be a great time to move the fuck out.

I thought you’d never ask.

Spencer’s not so sure about Emily staying over though. She might need to tend to TobAy’s every need tonight. Remember now, the Liars don’t know about TobAy’s mom situation so Spencer can’t tell them what the heck is going on. She tries to be evasive but since the Liars are professionals and trying to cover things up they know all the signs.

Because if you’re not using birth control, you’re trying.

Spencer, like anyone who’s being completely controlled by their partner, is hesitant to explain her situation and risk losing TobAy. With a little coaxing though the Liars convince Spencer that their friendships are more important than their relationships. Unfortunately that stops being true when you’re like 25 but don’t tell Aria.

The realest moment of TV

Anyways Spencer doesn’t want to take this shit from her friends anymore so she spills the beans on TobAy’s mommy situation. So much for that secret.

Oh don’t give me that look. You guys kept Noel Kahn on this show for ages

The Longest Day Ever continues with Aria back over at the Life Cafe. She runs into Ezra whose beard has somehow grown a weeks-worth in the past three hours. Ezra tries to talk to Aria about getting together but she’s so moved on. I think? Honestly I just hope she has.

Crazy Eyes

Mid-conversation Sensei Hot Stuff shows up, but is shockingly calm about another man talking to his banana. Perhaps he doesn’t understand human speech or, perhaps the way all monkeys look the same to us, all humans look the same to him and he had no idea Aria was even speaking to her ex-boyfriend.

It’s a pleasure to meet a fellow member of Sleeps With Teen Girls Club

Sensei Hot Stuff brings Aria a present — a pair of boots. Now that’s a present. They have the most adorable Cinderella moment ever. I take back every monkey thing I ever said about this monkey man and his monkey facial expressions. I’m on team Sensei.

Little does Aria know this is all just part of Sensei Hot Stuff’s foot fetish.

Over at the DiLaurentis’s, in Alison’s room, Emily packs her things to GTFO. Spencer helps by clearing out the bathroom and, while she’s gone, Emily gets a text from Paige.

Clingy much?

It’s like, “Wah haven’t heard from you about the plans we made but that’s cool nbd I didn’t want to go anyways lol okay let me know when you want to hang out again or whatever!” I have sent many texts like that.

lol jk brb

Maybe I’m alone on this, but I think that if you’re seriously dating someone and you have tentative plans for the evening that gives you the right to call their phone off the hook until they give you a solid answer. Then again I’m certifiably a crazy person.

Emily see’s Alison’s nail polish and triggers herself a nice little pastel flash back. FYI there is major lesbian subtext here.

Let’s have a tickle fight!

Emily sits on the bed as Alison polishes her toe nails. Ali tells Emily she should break up with Ben. That she doesn’t really like him and that he’s just what was left over. Like the mush squash at the end of the buffet. If you don’t take what you want that’s what you get: mushy squash. Harsh.

And then you just stick your finger inside! It’s totally easy. Let’s practice.

Ali offers to break up with Ben for Emily, bragging that she’s done it for other people before. She tells Emily that she broke up with a boy for some bitch before and the guy pulled a gun on her. You’d think Emily would have remembered a story involving Alison and a gun a bit sooner.

Yup like that.

Spencer comes back in the room and Emily tells her the pieces she’s put together. She postulates that Cece was hooking up with Wilden and that she had Alison break up with him. Maybe Cece was dating Jason and Wilden at the same time.

Because saying “please leave me alone” never works.

With Emily finally putting some pieces together, we’re treated to a shot of where Cece is. She’s not in Rosewood.

Did you get me the Tegan and Sara tickets or not? I won’t miss them again.

She’s in a hotel room filled with pictures of Alison.

Girls of Rosewood desk calendar 2013

With a Red Coat.

Because purple is so last season

We cut to the Hoedown Throwdown where the kids of Rosewood are enjoying their perfectly choreographed square dance.

Still no Miley Cyrus movie

Caleb and Hanna enter, and Caleb some how missed this perfect opportunity to wear plaid! Don’t worry, he went for another favorite lesbian accessory: the bolero tie.

Hey babe I already see three other lesbian couples we know!

Caleb goes to get the two some punch when Buzzcut walks up to Hanna. To no one’s surprise he tells her that he put the money in her locker.

I’m gonna let Caleb finish, but Lucas had one of the best creepy stares in this whole show’s history.

Turns out Buzzcut was the one who towed Wilden’s car out of the lake. He saw Ashley talking to Wilden and also saw her leave. He even heard gunshots after she’d left the scene and saw someone running through the woods.

But can I ask you where you got your hat? It’s like mine but better

Caleb comes back with the punch and couldn’t be more displeased that anyone else is talking to his life partner. Still, Hanna makes up an excuse and goes off to dance with Buzzcut so they can talk more.

Uh. He’s a vet Caleb. He’s going to help us adopt another cat.

Buzzcut explained that he didn’t speak up before because there was bad blood between Wilden and his father. He was scared he or his father would look guilty. He goes on to explain that he was so shook up that he went home without his tow truck. Later in the day someone dropped the truck off at his shop with money on the seat. The money he later gave to Hanna.

Plus, you know I was pretty scared of lesbians. That dyke Caleb looks like a real man hater.

Shit We Learned This Episode

1. Cece has a red coat
2. Ashley didn’t kill Wilden

Across the room Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff grab drinks just as Spencer, TobAy and Emily show up. Emily looks hot. And gay. And hot. And so hot.

You know you want this. Minus Toby.

She sees Paige across the room also looking hot. And gay. And hot. And so hot. There’s a lot of that going around.

Hahaha it is so funny how some girls want to fuck Tegan and some want to fuck Sara! Is that a top/bottom thing?

Unfortunately Emily didn’t arrange to go with Paige. She just left her hanging. I’m sad. That’s not the way you treat people you love.

Palming. Fisting’s lesser known cousin.

We’re then treated to a completely out of place choreographed dance sequence staring Lucy Hale. According to ABC Family we’re all supposed to tweet #moveslikearia. I won’t be doing that until there’s a sex scene.

I can this one the “crappy slappy”

Plus it’s no A Cinderella Story: Once Upon a Song.

After their dance, Sensei Hot Stuff tracks down Ezra at the bar and basically tells him to move the fuck on.

Is that a cherry coke? I specifically asked for a diety cherry coke!

On the dance floor TobAy tells Spencer that he got another text from A. This time it’s the address of Dr. Palmer’s car. While trying to convince TobAy not to go after the car, Spencer lets it slip that she told her friends about TobAy’s mother. He freaks out and storms off. Angry men really scare me and sad Troian Bellisario makes me sad.

And this is my impersonation of a woolly mammoth!

Despite the fact that TobAy’s off his rocker and just yelled at her, Spencer is super worried. She tracks down Caleb and convinces him to follow TobAy’s car.

You get food when you bring back my man meat.

Meanwhile Emily looks awkwardly at Paige from across the room some more. Paige has got mad biddies with her and she and Emily haven’t even spoken yet.

This is funnier than when Ilene Chaiken kept trying to make Betty happen!

Okay. Wait. Why didn’t Emily show up and act like it was all a big surprise for Paige? Or at the very least show up and be like “I wasn’t going to come but then I realized how important it was to you so I just came at the last minute.” Why show up and stand awkwardly off to the side?

This never happens to Santana.

Aria approaches Emily and the two talk for a minute. Emily, probably just upset about her own relationship or something, lets the beans spill about Malcolm moving. This is not going to be good for team Sensei.

Babies? Ew.

Aria runs off to talk to Ezra. She tells him she would have immediately come running if she’d known what was going on. Ezra is either totally passive aggressive or totally understands what a break up is for the first time ever. I wouldn’t know, I’m a lesbian.

Said no lesbian ever.

Hanna, apparently having run off to the local tow shop, tracks down Buzzcut and pleads with him once more. Basically she tells him to do the right thing and he’s like “kay maybe.”

Well can you at least get me a deal on gas? It’s, like, so expensive right now.

Back at the dance, Emily sees Red Coat up in the balcony. She tracks down Spencer and the two of them chase after Red Coat. This involves stealing a hay truck.

Why are you massaging your gspot at a time like this?!

You just ejaculated all over the car!

Unfortunately Spencer can’t drive standard. Neither can I. I feel her. Just then, Spencer sees something in her review mirror! A red coat in the hay!

Yup. I’m wearing crotchless panties.

She and Emily jump out of the car and grab a hoe. Like the tool I mean. They stab it into the hay over and over again only to find that the red coat is just a red coat. No person.

Damn it. Those articles of clothing are always attacking us!

Across town Caleb finds TobAy attempting to break into a car. Caleb stops him and, like many conversations between lesbians and straight cavemen, explains to him that he needs to be a good boyfriend and a decent person. TobAy is confused.

Have you ever considered not being the worst?

Of course then the police show up because obviously this is a set up. TobAy and Caleb flee.

Speaking of police, Buzzcut calls Badass Lezzie Detective and gives her his whole statement about the gunshots going off after Ashley left.

But does this statement come with a free lube job?

With the trouble over, Emily finally goes up to Paige. She tells her, “I don’t want to end up with mushy squash.” It seems like she means that Paige is mushy squash and that she’s dumping her, but then it’s clarified that she means that she’ll end up with mushy squash if she doesn’t take what she wants. And what she wants is Paige.

I just want us to fingerbang forever.

I’m confused. This is like a pre-dating conversation. So this means Emily ignored her girlfriend all night because… she doesn’t want to end up with someone else. Is Emily making girlfriend drama out of nothing? That would be the most lesbian thing ever.

Because you sound like Kyomi on The Real L Word.

So the two decide to have a cute dance. Okay but like, they’re already girlfriends. Dancing is like not a big deal?

Position #45 Honey Buns

Are they back together? Did they break up in the first place? Are they medium?

Position #67: The Flying Camel

Also they dance in the spooning position which is really cute except it sort of puts them apart from the straight couples in a weird way.

Position #84: Double Octopus
(you can’t see what their legs are doing)

Later, after the dance and the surrounding drama has calmed down, Aria shows up at Ezra’s house. She just sits there all patient style. Here’s a pro tip: don’t use your ex as your support system. Don’t allow yourself to be your ex’s support system. It’s just not healthy.

Alright tell me your stupid story already.

Outside the door someone with long blonde hair and a black hoodie presses her ear against the door. It’s Cece! I guess she really is A. Or maybe Red Coat. Or maybe both. And that’s how she get’s her intel. Not through top secret cameras and tape recorders, but by just pressing her ear against doors and looking through key holes.

If only she had a glass to hold against the door.

In the final creepy scene that always gives me nightmares but I watch it anyways, A knits a sweater. Then she lines up dolls of the Liars and Mona and stabs one with a knitting needle.

The new American Girl Dolls Collection: Liars Editon

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