Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only real proof that I can maintain a committed, long-term relationship. This week’s episode is brought to you by the red dye I’m currently letting soak in my hair and the sudden realization that there isn’t a single redheaded character on Pretty Little Liars. Am I out of style?
This episode is also brought to you by the feeling of spilling the cheese packet from your Annie’s Macaroni and Cheese on the floor. Life is so hard.
As you may or definitely don’t remember, last week Emily discovered someone living in a crawl space in the DiLaurentis household. Emily immediately assumed this was the home sweet home of A or Redcoat or the Boogy Man. We already know that because we watch those super creepy scenes at the end of each episode.
This week’s episode features Emily and Paige queering a farm, or at that’s what I was repeatedly promised on Tumblr.
We open on Rosewood High where one very freaked out teen lesbian gushes to Spencer and a middle aged tiger enthusiast all about the mystery crawl space. Cece is still the prime suspect based on the fact that no one likes her very much and it’s just so much easier to gang up on someone than to be creative or think outside the box.
Fortunately no one seems worried about what sort of intel A might be gathering or traps she might be setting in motion. Nope, everyone’s just really concerned with Emily’s cooch. Well aren’t we all.
Underwear week aside, everyone is real concerned about this whole Cece situation. That is until Hanna rocks up with her typical My Mom is Fucked agenda because, well, her mom is so fucked. Now that Mistress Lawyer Hastings can’t defend Ashley, there’s looking like no hope for her. All of the lawyers in town are either not good enough or threatened by Hanna’s power blazer.
Just then, Badass Lezzie Detective shows up to play her favorite game: interviewing minors without their parents’ consent. Actually, Emily’s 18 now. Hawt.
Regardless she’s probably not allowed to confront students on school property like this. But we all know Rosewood High has as few rules as it does locks on the doors. Oh well.
Badass Lezzie Detective tells Emily that they found a muddy high-heel shoe at the wreckage of her house. No one is happy.
Hanna, upon hearing this terrible news, storms off to go start the revolution or maybe just to go cry in a corner. I find they’re often the same thing. The other Liars catch up with her and the girls hatch a plan. They figure Badass Lezzie Detective needs a push in the Cece direction. So where to go for incriminating evidence? Duh! The crawl space!
The girls decide the perfect distraction for Jessica DiLaurentis is for her to take Hanna shopping. Why would Hanna need a parent to help her shop?! Because tonight is the big Hoedown dance! That’s right, Hoedown! Let’s say it one more time: Hoedown!
I hope it’s just like this:
The Liars part ways and Hanna takes a moment to cry by the vending machines. Like I said, starting the revolution.
While she does some guys with a buzzcut stares at her. It’s creepy.
Elsewhere Emily hides out in a classroom printing something out. For those of you who who might actually be attending high school right now, that’s what we used to do before everything was just on our iPhones.
Paige walks by, just getting in from her part-time job as a mail carrier, and wants to chat. She’s like, “Hey are we together because I know things have been weird but I’d really like to continue fucking your face.” She also asks if they’re still on for the dance, but the way you do when you know someone’s been avoiding you. So you’re like, “Oh do you want to do that thing or not at all because I never wanted to do it anyways it was a stupid idea.”
Paige wants to go to the Hoedown Throwdown. Emily acts like Danny from Grease. Not beginning of the musical Danny or end of the musical Danny when he’s all in love with Sandy, but evasive middle of the musical Danny.
Paige sees Emily’s paper and immediately IDs it as a recommendation letter from Zoe the Habitat For Humanity Trip Leader.
It’s super flattering and Paige is super insecure so she immediately start in on how Zoe is so totally in love with Emily. I get that Rosewood is the land of age inappropriate relationships, but Zoe looked about 25 to me. I’m 25 and I would never ever ever hook up with a high school student. Like ever.
Out in the courtyard, Sensei Hot Stuff tracks down Aria after school. See, he thought that when you have a perfectly lovely evening of street burritos that means you’re in a relationship. Or at least a fling. Or at least follow up coffee.
Sad sad sad silly silly monkey.
Aria has a million made up things to do that afternoon, so she invites Sensei to the Hoedown Throwdown. He says yes which is confusing for Aria since she’s never been with a guy who she could been seen in public with, and confusing for me since everyone knows grown ass monkeys never want to go to a high school dance.
Inside, in his class of language and despair, sad-sack Ezra hangs his head and sits like he forgot to DVR Breaking Amish. Remember, he just “lost” his “son.” Emily walks in because they’re bffs and also because Ezra’s helping her with her college apps.
Paige’s comment must have snuck its way into Emily’s head, because now Emily’s all concerned that the recommendation is “too good.” Ezra freaks out at Emily about it, because his problems are the worst problems.
Ezra is being a curmudgeon. FYI Ezra, your problems are not the worst problems either.
He also lets it slip that Maggie Mac is moving Malcolm, but he tells Emily not to tell Aria. Nothing like a secret to get the episode started off right!
In the halls, Caleb rolls up all smiles. He just learned that Hannah Hart is going to A-Camp and now he’s totes going too! She’s his second favorite Hanna. But like way second because his girlfriend is the most important thing to him, now and for forever.
Caleb is so psyched for the Hoedown Throwdown. Even though Hanna isn’t sure how she feels about plaid, she wonders if it’s too much of a stereotype that Caleb fucking loves plaid and really needs this excuse to show off his collection. Also Caleb only cares about Hanna and her happiness and he thinks this will cheer her up. So they’re going.
Caleb walks away. Then someone leaves a shitton of cash in Hanna’s locker. Possibly Buzzcut.
Across town news of Hanna’s new monetary gains has made its way to Spencer. Spencer can smell money a mile away. She thinks it’s from Cece because apparently the envelope was from Cece’s store or something.
TobAy doesn’t give a shit about Hanna or her money or Cece. Seriously he basically tells Spencer to shut up and stop asking questions.
While Spencer’s busy freaking out about the money and Ashley Marin, TobAy realizes that there’s music playing from the car. Stop the motherfucking presses it’s a CD of his mom singing. From A. Just kidding, I don’t give a crap about this plot line. Sorry.
TobAy flips out and wants to go see his mother’s old doctor, Dr. Palmer, again. He asks Spencer to derail all her plans with the other Liars for that evening and then throws a tantrum. I hate him.
Also, just in case you’ve ever been unclear as to why Caleb is a lesbian but TobAy is a fucking cro-magnon, I’ll clarify. It’s because while Caleb spends all of his time obsessing over Hanna to the point of self-destruction, TobAy really only cares about himself. Also because Caleb really does love plaid.
At the Life Cafe Hanna grabs a latte just in time to see buzzcut walk in. She tells him to stop stalking her. Clearly he gave her the money and is actually Pastor Ted’s long lost son or something.
Elsewhere Emily and Aria scan the crawlspace. The two only find a button before Spencer shows up to join the group the save the day. As soon as she does they hear footsteps upstairs. But who could it be? Jessica DiLaurentis is off with Hanna.
They peer through the holes in the ceiling but as they do someone starts to send knitting needles down the holes! It was fucking scary. I freaked out.
Timejump to later in the afternoon where Hanna has finally returned from shopping and the Liars gather at Spencer’s. The Liar relay the knitting needles of death to Hanna. She thinks this would be a great way to trap A. Emily thinks this would be a great time to move the fuck out.
Spencer’s not so sure about Emily staying over though. She might need to tend to TobAy’s every need tonight. Remember now, the Liars don’t know about TobAy’s mom situation so Spencer can’t tell them what the heck is going on. She tries to be evasive but since the Liars are professionals and trying to cover things up they know all the signs.
Spencer, like anyone who’s being completely controlled by their partner, is hesitant to explain her situation and risk losing TobAy. With a little coaxing though the Liars convince Spencer that their friendships are more important than their relationships. Unfortunately that stops being true when you’re like 25 but don’t tell Aria.
Anyways Spencer doesn’t want to take this shit from her friends anymore so she spills the beans on TobAy’s mommy situation. So much for that secret.
The Longest Day Ever continues with Aria back over at the Life Cafe. She runs into Ezra whose beard has somehow grown a weeks-worth in the past three hours. Ezra tries to talk to Aria about getting together but she’s so moved on. I think? Honestly I just hope she has.
Mid-conversation Sensei Hot Stuff shows up, but is shockingly calm about another man talking to his banana. Perhaps he doesn’t understand human speech or, perhaps the way all monkeys look the same to us, all humans look the same to him and he had no idea Aria was even speaking to her ex-boyfriend.
Sensei Hot Stuff brings Aria a present — a pair of boots. Now that’s a present. They have the most adorable Cinderella moment ever. I take back every monkey thing I ever said about this monkey man and his monkey facial expressions. I’m on team Sensei.
Over at the DiLaurentis’s, in Alison’s room, Emily packs her things to GTFO. Spencer helps by clearing out the bathroom and, while she’s gone, Emily gets a text from Paige.
It’s like, “Wah haven’t heard from you about the plans we made but that’s cool nbd I didn’t want to go anyways lol okay let me know when you want to hang out again or whatever!” I have sent many texts like that.
Maybe I’m alone on this, but I think that if you’re seriously dating someone and you have tentative plans for the evening that gives you the right to call their phone off the hook until they give you a solid answer. Then again I’m certifiably a crazy person.
Emily see’s Alison’s nail polish and triggers herself a nice little pastel flash back. FYI there is major lesbian subtext here.
Emily sits on the bed as Alison polishes her toe nails. Ali tells Emily she should break up with Ben. That she doesn’t really like him and that he’s just what was left over. Like the mush squash at the end of the buffet. If you don’t take what you want that’s what you get: mushy squash. Harsh.
Ali offers to break up with Ben for Emily, bragging that she’s done it for other people before. She tells Emily that she broke up with a boy for some bitch before and the guy pulled a gun on her. You’d think Emily would have remembered a story involving Alison and a gun a bit sooner.
Spencer comes back in the room and Emily tells her the pieces she’s put together. She postulates that Cece was hooking up with Wilden and that she had Alison break up with him. Maybe Cece was dating Jason and Wilden at the same time.
With Emily finally putting some pieces together, we’re treated to a shot of where Cece is. She’s not in Rosewood.
She’s in a hotel room filled with pictures of Alison.
With a Red Coat.
We cut to the Hoedown Throwdown where the kids of Rosewood are enjoying their perfectly choreographed square dance.
Caleb and Hanna enter, and Caleb some how missed this perfect opportunity to wear plaid! Don’t worry, he went for another favorite lesbian accessory: the bolero tie.
Caleb goes to get the two some punch when Buzzcut walks up to Hanna. To no one’s surprise he tells her that he put the money in her locker.
Turns out Buzzcut was the one who towed Wilden’s car out of the lake. He saw Ashley talking to Wilden and also saw her leave. He even heard gunshots after she’d left the scene and saw someone running through the woods.
Caleb comes back with the punch and couldn’t be more displeased that anyone else is talking to his life partner. Still, Hanna makes up an excuse and goes off to dance with Buzzcut so they can talk more.
Buzzcut explained that he didn’t speak up before because there was bad blood between Wilden and his father. He was scared he or his father would look guilty. He goes on to explain that he was so shook up that he went home without his tow truck. Later in the day someone dropped the truck off at his shop with money on the seat. The money he later gave to Hanna.
Shit We Learned This Episode
1. Cece has a red coat
2. Ashley didn’t kill Wilden
Across the room Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff grab drinks just as Spencer, TobAy and Emily show up. Emily looks hot. And gay. And hot. And so hot.
She sees Paige across the room also looking hot. And gay. And hot. And so hot. There’s a lot of that going around.
Unfortunately Emily didn’t arrange to go with Paige. She just left her hanging. I’m sad. That’s not the way you treat people you love.
We’re then treated to a completely out of place choreographed dance sequence staring Lucy Hale. According to ABC Family we’re all supposed to tweet #moveslikearia. I won’t be doing that until there’s a sex scene.
Plus it’s no A Cinderella Story: Once Upon a Song.
After their dance, Sensei Hot Stuff tracks down Ezra at the bar and basically tells him to move the fuck on.
On the dance floor TobAy tells Spencer that he got another text from A. This time it’s the address of Dr. Palmer’s car. While trying to convince TobAy not to go after the car, Spencer lets it slip that she told her friends about TobAy’s mother. He freaks out and storms off. Angry men really scare me and sad Troian Bellisario makes me sad.
Despite the fact that TobAy’s off his rocker and just yelled at her, Spencer is super worried. She tracks down Caleb and convinces him to follow TobAy’s car.
Meanwhile Emily looks awkwardly at Paige from across the room some more. Paige has got mad biddies with her and she and Emily haven’t even spoken yet.
Okay. Wait. Why didn’t Emily show up and act like it was all a big surprise for Paige? Or at the very least show up and be like “I wasn’t going to come but then I realized how important it was to you so I just came at the last minute.” Why show up and stand awkwardly off to the side?
Aria approaches Emily and the two talk for a minute. Emily, probably just upset about her own relationship or something, lets the beans spill about Malcolm moving. This is not going to be good for team Sensei.
Aria runs off to talk to Ezra. She tells him she would have immediately come running if she’d known what was going on. Ezra is either totally passive aggressive or totally understands what a break up is for the first time ever. I wouldn’t know, I’m a lesbian.
Hanna, apparently having run off to the local tow shop, tracks down Buzzcut and pleads with him once more. Basically she tells him to do the right thing and he’s like “kay maybe.”
Back at the dance, Emily sees Red Coat up in the balcony. She tracks down Spencer and the two of them chase after Red Coat. This involves stealing a hay truck.
Unfortunately Spencer can’t drive standard. Neither can I. I feel her. Just then, Spencer sees something in her review mirror! A red coat in the hay!
She and Emily jump out of the car and grab a hoe. Like the tool I mean. They stab it into the hay over and over again only to find that the red coat is just a red coat. No person.
Across town Caleb finds TobAy attempting to break into a car. Caleb stops him and, like many conversations between lesbians and straight cavemen, explains to him that he needs to be a good boyfriend and a decent person. TobAy is confused.
Of course then the police show up because obviously this is a set up. TobAy and Caleb flee.
Speaking of police, Buzzcut calls Badass Lezzie Detective and gives her his whole statement about the gunshots going off after Ashley left.
With the trouble over, Emily finally goes up to Paige. She tells her, “I don’t want to end up with mushy squash.” It seems like she means that Paige is mushy squash and that she’s dumping her, but then it’s clarified that she means that she’ll end up with mushy squash if she doesn’t take what she wants. And what she wants is Paige.
I’m confused. This is like a pre-dating conversation. So this means Emily ignored her girlfriend all night because… she doesn’t want to end up with someone else. Is Emily making girlfriend drama out of nothing? That would be the most lesbian thing ever.
So the two decide to have a cute dance. Okay but like, they’re already girlfriends. Dancing is like not a big deal?
Are they back together? Did they break up in the first place? Are they medium?
Also they dance in the spooning position which is really cute except it sort of puts them apart from the straight couples in a weird way.
Later, after the dance and the surrounding drama has calmed down, Aria shows up at Ezra’s house. She just sits there all patient style. Here’s a pro tip: don’t use your ex as your support system. Don’t allow yourself to be your ex’s support system. It’s just not healthy.
Outside the door someone with long blonde hair and a black hoodie presses her ear against the door. It’s Cece! I guess she really is A. Or maybe Red Coat. Or maybe both. And that’s how she get’s her intel. Not through top secret cameras and tape recorders, but by just pressing her ear against doors and looking through key holes.
In the final creepy scene that always gives me nightmares but I watch it anyways, A knits a sweater. Then she lines up dolls of the Liars and Mona and stabs one with a knitting needle.