Welcome to the third episode of Lost Girl! People finally have a lead on Bo, so everyone can stop belly-aching about missing her and get back to fighting, fucking, crying and drinking. You know how the past episode completely revolved around this Magical Transdimensional Train? Like it was So Fucking Important because Bo took a nap on it and sucked face with the chambermaid? And Dyson wanted to ride it so badly that he babysat that annoying time traveler because he was the only one that knew how to board the train? And Jenny was so FUCKING EAGER to get on the ride that she actually KILLED A MAN while dressed like a pirate?!
Yeah well, they get on the train and decide to get off after less than two minutes. Jesus Christ, they’re worse than my cat.
The only revelation from this brief shout out to VIA Rail’s history is that time travel makes your brain melt! This is like maybe half a point better than airsickness, so I’m just going to stick to All the Free TSA Frisks I Could Ever Want thank you very much. Schecter gives Wolfie a Wet Willy to cure what ails him. I still prefer Gravol.
Bo drops out of the sky, Dorothy-style sans Toto and kickass shoes.
After a fair amount of running, tripping and flapping to establish that
she has great legs is no longer in Kansas, she comes upon a cottage mansion. So she walks right in. Because breaking and entering is totally fine if you’re lost or on television.
But before Bo-ldilocks can test out the porridge or Tempurpedic mattress options, the three bears come home. OH NO! A SCANTILY DRESSED STRANGER HAS CRASHED OUR VICTORIAN DREAM GETAWAY!
But don’t worry! Baby Bear has this situation covered and frying pans Bo’s ass. You can’t say that this new generation isn’t hospitable.
Even though Lauren’s on the lam, her apartment’s still getting some action. First Tamsin, now the Morrigan? I hadn’t realized Crashpad had expanded into Canadian timeshares.
But you know what I hate more than uninvited squatters? Trying to coordinate apartment repairs with my landlord. So I can totally get behind the Morrigan coming to the apartment, overseeing home improvements on Lauren’s behalf and incinerating him as payment. Best houseguest ever.
Now that Lauren and Crystal are on a Real First Name Basis Instead of Alias Basis, Lauren’s free to reveal all of the anal-retentive and/or science-y know-how she’s been secreting away for the past three eps. Organizing condiments! Packing things in rows! Docsplaining fifth grade science experiments!
But I’m not the only one that gets irrationally turned on by culinary filing systems. Crystal finds Lauren’s organizational spiel charming. Or maybe she just finds Lauren’s butt charming. Either way, who cares? I’m not here to judge. All I’m here to do is draw attention to the chemistry brewing between them that doesn’t involve baking soda. Uh, unless their kink does involve baking soda… But again, no judgements!
Bo’s still acclimatizing to call times, so she’s napping again.
Mama and Baby Bear are just sitting there macraming, watching over Bo and her head wound. Frankly, I’m more of a Disposing of the Body type than an Interrogate Your Victim, but hey, you do you.
If this knitting circle isn’t weird enough, Papa Bear’s out back stringing up shoes and walking backwards! His wife claims that they’re just fun Jenkins family traditions, but you know it’s just her Stockholm Syndrome talking. Ha Ha Ha! My husband’s charming! He totally doesn’t have anger issues!
All of that running and napping piqued Bo’s hunger and she hears an ominous “Kill them, kill them all.” This is probably foreshadowing an upcoming scene, but I’m not entirely convinced because I tend to have that same self pep talk any time I go to a restaurant and find they’ve lost my reservation. You don’t mess with grungry.
Wolfie’s doing that wolf thing and sniff sniff sniffing. They find the smitten remains of Bo’s last feed and also discover a scrap of nightgown affixed to the caboose rail. The chambermaid confirms that Bo’s gone and that the conductor has a bit of a rage problem when it comes to her.
Schecter warns Dyson that the same train sickness that affected him will kill Bo because only Super Special Elementals with a Twist that Commune with All Four Elements™ are immune. So now, not only does Wolfie have to find Bo because of his blue balls, but Schecter needs to tag along to cure our succubus.
Bo starts snooping around the Jenkins property, confirming her spot on my List of People that Will Never Be a Houseguest. (Wait, who am I kidding, she’s totally still welcome in my bed!) Apparently upstairs got boring, so she finds herself in the basement. And since this is a sci-fi show, of course it’s hella creepy.
Look, this suite comes complete with two creepy doors hiding rusty cots!
And a creepy armed butler and a muzzled maid! This place has all the amenities! It’s like staying at a spa.
Even though popular culture would have you believe that the Family That Runs Off into the Woods to Hang Shoe Garlands Together, Stays Together, you’d be wrong. They’ve only been upholding this “normalcy” because Pops’s family is haunted! When he was a young boy, his entire family was slayed so he never got to
go to Disneyland learn why this ghost is harassing them. So rather than just sit the ghost down for a friendly chat, he locks each of of his family members up in a cell.
Bo initially protests their family antics, but hey, families are weird! She pretends she’s going to go, but you can totally tell she’s lying because otherwise this episode would end and we’d be watching forty minutes of commercials. Plus she was eyeing the daughter. What a naughty succubus.
Lauren’s the Morrigan’s! Mossimo shows up for yet another cameo, this time toting replacement eyeballs! What, did hummus as a housewarming present become passé?
Julia (Oh yeah, should I have mentioned her name? God I’m bad at introductions…) gets startled when Bo comes knock-knock-knocking on her door. She thought she was gonna stay away for sure, but Bo’s gotta get to the bottom of this crazy. Rather than say it with words, Julia pulls out a family scrapbook that’s documented their blood-stained past.
Apparently Julia thinks The Jenkins’ Oldey Timey Homemade Murder Sprees have less to do with ghosts and more to do with psychotic breaks. Bo’s still a bit skeptical, but she’s going to break our teenager out. And luckily, her chest is there for support.
I expected a Super Special Elemental with a Twist that Communes with All Four Elements™ to have some fancy ass navigation system like a divining rod or On Star. But nope, apparently all of that “communing” just means you’ve befriended dudes buried ear-deep in the dirt, gathering gossip on the forest that surrounds them.
More specifically, dudes with foot fetishes.
Or should I say paw fetishes? After Lazy John gets a whiff of Wolfie’s tootsies, he points them in the right direction. What a nice foot licker.
Bo manages to bust Baby Bear out of jail and it’s time to run back into the forest and eat berries and fish and all of other things that nubile cubs are wont to do. She dismisses all of her dad’s lame-ass superstitions, but Bo quickly realizes they’re meant to ward off body jumpers, not ghosts! But as soon as Julia steps past the Pinterest-worthy rustic recycled shoe garland, she’s jumped!
Julia convulses on the ground while Bo’s like, “Shit shit shit!” Playing the role of Cool Non-Parental Adult Figure is only rewarding if the kids stay alive long enough to tell their friends about you. Realizing she has no actual parenting skills, she brings the kid back home.
Mom finds a leaf on her kid’s clothing and they turn full Helicopter Parent when they realize she’s been outside. IT’S A FUCKING LEAF YOU GUYS. AND NOT EVEN THE FUN KIND!
But wait, dad’s not mad at Bo, he’s mad at Julia! He aims his shotgun at his daughter, reminding his wife that their marriage vows included a romantic line about murder-suicide in case of body jumper attack.
Pops has been acting kind of shifty this entire time, making his story ring less than true. I had assumed he was worried Bo recognized him from White Girls or Scary Movie, but his actual dark dirty secret was that he was the murderer. DUN DUN DUN! Which makes this paranoid confession kind of awesome because no one had caught onto that. Especially not his gullible wife!
But before he can reveal other embarrassing family secrets or Bo can attempt to save the world by sucking his face, the body jumper awakens within Julia. And gets to do a fun floaty body thing!
To show that Julia has become certified Pure Evil, her voice is replaced by an automated phone operator that threatens to destroy them all. The chills are running down my spine. Not because of the threat, but it just reminds me of the time I tried to replace my Visa after it was compromised at a dep. I’ve never heard such horrors!
Crystal finds every excuse possible to hang around Lauren so they start to go over the real reasons they’re at this diner. Lauren sidesteps the question, while Crystal just vaguely references failed dreams of becoming a country singer. God people, just fuck already!
Crystal’s been failing at getting into the good doc’s pants with compliments and flirting, so she’s trying to appeal to her Homo Depot tendencies with a photo of her dream farm. Seriously, does everyone have one of these? Or have I just been hanging out with too many city slickers with grandiose dreams of chickens?
Lauren rebuffs her yet again, so Crystal switches gears yet again. Fine, you want to be friends? Let’s be friends! Crystal invites her over to her place for platonic beers and pizza and I’m waiting for Lauren to play Debbie Downer yet again. But then this happens.
Followed by this.
Which you know means someone’s going to be eating more than just pizza tonight.