Lost Girl Episode 403 Recap: Lauren and Betty McRae Bang Bang Bang

Bo and the Body Jumper are still going at it, and it looks like the poltergeist could win this round.

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I just want to touch your hair damnit!

But blammo, Dyson comes into save the day by restraining the girl. But duh, it’s a body jumper! So Jumbee jumps away, leaving Dyson holding a scared and confused underaged girl.

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Well this won’t look good on his record.

Bo and Dyson are finally reunited, but their hug-fest is interrupted by the body jumper trying on Schecter’s body. Although really, it’s kind of hard to tell she turned evil. The only difference between her and regular Schecter is now she won’t stop saying Jumbee.

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It’s okay Jenny, you still get to play director!

Lauren shows up at Crystal’s and seems to have re-evaluated their “friend” situation. After all, she’s toting the Patented Lesbian Aphrodisiacs of beer and pizza! But then again, it looks like the beers are macro and the pizza’s full of gluten and dairy, so I’ll have to ding her a few points on this mating display.

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I’m more of a Drinking A Beer in My Underwear kind of girl to be honest.

But she enter’s Crystal’s lair under the guise they’re going to “rant.”

Wolfie and Bo seem to have finally become suspicious of Jenny, but for all the wrong reasons. Dude, she was evil already, how did you not notice that?

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“Did I just agree to a threesome?”

They still haven’t really caught on that Jumbee’s a body jumper, so while they’re frisking Schecter, Jumbee pops back into Julia and slashes her mom’s throat.

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I know Bo.. But she was my wife… I’ll put her down.

You’re dying, she’s dying, everybody’s dying! Mom suffering from that whole sliced aorta thing, while Bo’s travel sickness catches up with her. No one really knows what to do, but Jenny’s claiming she’ll go to the forest to find a white peony, the healing flowers. ….great?

It’s finally the scene you’ve been waiting for! They’re starting with some classic lesbian foreplay: ranting and complaining. But hey, it works!

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Followed by more overt foreplay!
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Aw fuck, I’m just going to let you narrate this with your own dirty thoughts.

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Was that good for you too?

In the slightly less wet and musky outdoors, Dyson and Bo manage to tackle our dear teen.

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Warning: This is how you get Mono.

But rather than a simple Chi drain, this meal comes with a show! Seems like Lil’ Miss You Should Probably Murder Your Family hasn’t just been haunting and body jumping for kicks. Back in the day she was a happy elemental just doing her thang, getting ready for her wedding, but her fiancé’s men thought she was a witch.

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Do you think the fact that I’m an elemental just like Schecter will be relevant? Probs not.

They pushed her into the water causing her face to blister, which really just narrows it down to witch or mogwai. Rather than give her fiancé explicit instructions not to feed her after midnight, they shot at her, killing them both in the process. Since she never got to say Yes to the Dress, but only Ow to the Pow, she’s been spending her spare evenings and weekends tormenting the Jenkins. Girl needs a new hobby.

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I know that he’s dying and all so this scene’s supposed to be tragic, but did you look at that mustache? Shit’s crazy.

Bo wakes up from her historical name all blamey blamey. She’s siding with Jumbee, telling Pops that assholes and murderers run in his family! And surprise, Jumbee has all the time in the world to torture them, now that she’s dead and all.

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Fuck, they never mentioned that on Ancestry.com.

Looks like Mossimo’s good for more than just glitter crotch cream. Morrigan no longer needs that eye patch! Damnit, just as I was getting used to that Elle Driver look.

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I see you baby. Shakin’ that thang.

The Morrigan’s ready to get her vengeance on, and her first target is Bo. Apparently Mossimo and the Morrigan used to be a thing, so he claims to have already “taken care of her” to get back into her good graces, even though we all know it’s a lie. And this kids, is why you can never trust your exes.

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I’m surprised, you’re surprised, we’re all surprised! How the fuck did they hook up?

Wah wah wah, Bo’s still crampy. She’s trying to fend off the body jumper which seems to be a process similar to child birth. In between high-pitched breaths and squeals of pain, she relays Jumbee’s promises for vengeance. She should really look into Lamaze or acupuncture.

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Dude, you had your kids ages ago! Stop faking contractions already!

And since Schecter’s fluent in Batshit Crazy Murderer, she knows the way to end this haunting involves reuniting Jumbee and her fiancé. Duh.

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It was either that or French in high school. What do you think would come in more handy?

Now that the dog’s found his owner, Dyson isn’t willing to leave Bo’s side. But dude, she’s dying? So he should probably just be a good dog and do what she says to help cure her. But even that command isn’t convincing enough, so she’s forced to make out with him. Ew, dog breath.

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Just listen to my mouth damnit!

While everyone’s off playing grave robber, Bo finally succumbs to Jumbee.

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She should have done some prenatal yoga.

The Scooby Gang’s still following their “brilliant plan” to reunite these wronged lovers. Because you know what never pisses off spirits causing them to haunt you until you’re driven insane? Desecrating their corpses. But no worries because Schecter and Dyson have piled all of their bony bits into a super romantic grave.

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Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It’s off to rob graves we go!

Meanwhile, Bo with a creamy Jumbee filling comes to murder the grave robbers. Apparently this jumper’s really weak, as Jenny and Dyson manage to subdue her. I think part of Jumbee’s problem is she keeps raising her knife really high as she’s walking towards her victim. She should work on that if she ever wants to go pro.

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Yeah, I’d still be down for that threesome.

Dyson realizes that Jumbee and Noah were never married, so the only way to put their spirits to rest is by marrying them by proxy. Calling upon Beyoncé, the Patron Saint of Wronged Lovers and Leotards, Wolfie and Bo stand in for Noah and Jumbee and finally put a ring on it.

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If that isn’t a romantic paranormal fog, I dunno what is.

And just like our prophet foretold in her scriptures, the two spirits pull each other into their arms to own one another before being gone like ghosts. Amen.

Lauren goes back to the diner with an extra spring in her step. Seems like getting laid was all she needed to get that stick out of her ass. But her pep doesn’t last for long, as her boss informs her some dude has a bounty for “Karen.” Who the fuck is Karen? Either way, the doc hightails it out of here.

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Don’t worry “Lauren,” I’m also terrified of phones.

Bo-ldilocks bids farewell to the Three Bears, promising to be there for the young one if she ever needs help, but not promising to put on more clothing. Clearly she’s the best godmother.

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I just, don’t think it’d be fair to society if I covered these up.

Lauren busts into Crystal’s pad and tells her she has to leave. Crystal offers to tag along as the Louise to her Thelma, but Lauren won’t have any of it. She just wants her to promise she’ll forget that they ever met and/or felt the power of the clam.

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No one can ever know I thought this hair was a good idea!

Poor Crystal. Most drama filled one-nightstand ever.

Going on the lam is the new u-hauling

Don’t worry, I’m in enough denial for the both of us.

Now that the case is all wrapped up, it’s time for our happy trio to start walking home. But the show wouldn’t be complete without Schecter being an asshole, so she pulls a knife on Bo!

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No really, never trust a Schecter.

Schecter claims Bo for Vex’s bounty and tries to lead her charge away backwards in heels. If Dyson tries to follow them, she’ll let the Transcendental sickness kill her. But while this whole two-step negotiation hostage situation is initially kind of impressive, Schecter’s overlooked two things. A) Jumbee, an elemental (See, I knew that fact would come in handy) had already cured Bo. And B) this Show’s called Lost Girl, not The New Lost Girl, Starring Mia Kirshner. So Bo slaps her around which is super satisfying before finishing her off by sucking her dry.

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She should look into getting some dental dams.

This’ll probably sound twisted, but I don’t think watching Schecter die will ever get old.

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Schecter: 0, Humanity: 1.

Dyson starts the long ride home with Bo mumbling about all of the friends and family she’s missed. They briefly mention the train, but neither can remember it. Weird. Also, where did this getaway car come from? With Bo leaning over the passenger seat, does it really matter?

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Don’t worry, I’ve got your airbags right here.

The Lesbian Doctor’s on her way out of town in her gosh dang fanciest walkin’ boots. But lookie here at who’s stoppin’ by to give our lady a lift!

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I figured you just had a bag, so I could just rent a car instead of getting a U-Haul.

But what should’ve been a Super Adorable Riding Off into the Sunset Moment is rudely interrupted by a hand clamping over Lauren’s mouth! Crystal apologizes, but I dunno, it kind of falls flat when she was the one that invited the kidnapper along. But maybe I’m just not that forgiving? And of course Dyson and Bo drive by the car kidnapping in action and continue on. Yay, everyone’s an asshole!

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Lauren: 0, Crystal: -5.

Hopefully 404 will have Lauren find more reliable lovers!

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Hailing from Vancouver, Kristen's still trying to figure out how to survive Montreal's Real Legitimate Canadian Winter. So far she's discovered that warm socks, giant toques and Tabby kittens all play a role in her survival. Her ultimate goal is to rank higher than KStew in the "Kristen + Autostraddle" Google Search competition.

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  1. Haha got me laughing as usual :)

    I was sort of confused by their sex scene but also turned on so..

  2. Hopefully 404 will also have more Kenzi! I need her. Ours is a doomed love, seeing as how she’s fictional and all.

    “This’ll probably sound twisted, but I don’t think watching Schecter die will ever get old.”

    Did you see her on The Vampire Diaries? She burned herself alive!

  3. Ok so i saw the title of this post and couldn’t wait til it’s shown here on thursday to watch it…hilarious as ever. Also- Oooh Crystal/Betty you bad bad lady.

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