Welcome to the third episode of Lost Girl! People finally have a lead on Bo, so everyone can stop belly-aching about missing her and get back to fighting, fucking, crying and drinking. You know how the past episode completely revolved around this Magical Transdimensional Train? Like it was So Fucking Important because Bo took a nap on it and sucked face with the chambermaid? And Dyson wanted to ride it so badly that he babysat that annoying time traveler because he was the only one that knew how to board the train? And Jenny was so FUCKING EAGER to get on the ride that she actually KILLED A MAN while dressed like a pirate?!

Yeah well, they get on the train and decide to get off after less than two minutes. Jesus Christ, they’re worse than my cat.

All aboard the Plot Hole Express!

The only revelation from this brief shout out to VIA Rail’s history is that time travel makes your brain melt! This is like maybe half a point better than airsickness, so I’m just going to stick to All the Free TSA Frisks I Could Ever Want thank you very much. Schecter gives Wolfie a Wet Willy to cure what ails him. I still prefer Gravol.

Can you hear the ocean yet?

Bo drops out of the sky, Dorothy-style sans Toto and kickass shoes.

Whoops, I lied, she definitely brought two puppies.

After a fair amount of running, tripping and flapping to establish that she has great legs is no longer in Kansas, she comes upon a cottage mansion. So she walks right in. Because breaking and entering is totally fine if you’re lost or on television.

I wonder if they have wifi or a bathroom.

But before Bo-ldilocks can test out the porridge or Tempurpedic mattress options, the three bears come home. OH NO! A SCANTILY DRESSED STRANGER HAS CRASHED OUR VICTORIAN DREAM GETAWAY!

Quick! Everyone look shocked instead of aroused! This is a family gathering!

But don’t worry! Baby Bear has this situation covered and frying pans Bo’s ass. You can’t say that this new generation isn’t hospitable.

I’ll do anything to avoid thinking about my parents sexually!

Even though Lauren’s on the lam, her apartment’s still getting some action. First Tamsin, now the Morrigan? I hadn’t realized Crashpad had expanded into Canadian timeshares.

But you know what I hate more than uninvited squatters? Trying to coordinate apartment repairs with my landlord. So I can totally get behind the Morrigan coming to the apartment, overseeing home improvements on Lauren’s behalf and incinerating him as payment. Best houseguest ever.

God, I love a deranged woman in an eye patch.

Now that Lauren and Crystal are on a Real First Name Basis Instead of Alias Basis, Lauren’s free to reveal all of the anal-retentive and/or science-y know-how she’s been secreting away for the past three eps. Organizing condiments! Packing things in rows! Docsplaining fifth grade science experiments!

You know what gets me hot? Cutlery rolls.

But I’m not the only one that gets irrationally turned on by culinary filing systems. Crystal finds Lauren’s organizational spiel charming. Or maybe she just finds Lauren’s butt charming. Either way, who cares? I’m not here to judge. All I’m here to do is draw attention to the chemistry brewing between them that doesn’t involve baking soda. Uh, unless their kink does involve baking soda… But again, no judgements!

I want you to make me squirt like a science fair volcano!

Bo’s still acclimatizing to call times, so she’s napping again.

My boobs arrived to the set, isn’t that enough?

Mama and Baby Bear are just sitting there macraming, watching over Bo and her head wound. Frankly, I’m more of a Disposing of the Body type than an Interrogate Your Victim, but hey, you do you.

After we’re finished with our macramé potholders, we’re moving onto nooses!

If this knitting circle isn’t weird enough, Papa Bear’s out back stringing up shoes and walking backwards! His wife claims that they’re just fun Jenkins family traditions, but you know it’s just her Stockholm Syndrome talking. Ha Ha Ha! My husband’s charming! He totally doesn’t have anger issues!

All of that running and napping piqued Bo’s hunger and she hears an ominous “Kill them, kill them all.” This is probably foreshadowing an upcoming scene, but I’m not entirely convinced because I tend to have that same self pep talk any time I go to a restaurant and find they’ve lost my reservation. You don’t mess with grungry.

Wolfie’s doing that wolf thing and sniff sniff sniffing. They find the smitten remains of Bo’s last feed and also discover a scrap of nightgown affixed to the caboose rail. The chambermaid confirms that Bo’s gone and that the conductor has a bit of a rage problem when it comes to her.

Dude, it could just be a nappy. You might not want to touch that.

Schecter warns Dyson that the same train sickness that affected him will kill Bo because only Super Special Elementals with a Twist that Commune with All Four Elements™ are immune. So now, not only does Wolfie have to find Bo because of his blue balls, but Schecter needs to tag along to cure our succubus.

I wonder what kind of stipend she gets.

Bo starts snooping around the Jenkins property, confirming her spot on my List of People that Will Never Be a Houseguest. (Wait, who am I kidding, she’s totally still welcome in my bed!) Apparently upstairs got boring, so she finds herself in the basement. And since this is a sci-fi show, of course it’s hella creepy.

Show me a non-creepy basement and I’ll show you a lie.

Look, this suite comes complete with two creepy doors hiding rusty cots!

If you’re going to go backless, you really shouldn’t be wearing a bra.

And a creepy armed butler and a muzzled maid! This place has all the amenities! It’s like staying at a spa.

Don’t you fucking dare untuck my hospital corners!

Even though popular culture would have you believe that the Family That Runs Off into the Woods to Hang Shoe Garlands Together, Stays Together, you’d be wrong. They’ve only been upholding this “normalcy” because Pops’s family is haunted! When he was a young boy, his entire family was slayed so he never got to go to Disneyland learn why this ghost is harassing them. So rather than just sit the ghost down for a friendly chat, he locks each of of his family members up in a cell.

I wanna spend my night with Bo “listening” to Ani DiFranco!

Bo initially protests their family antics, but hey, families are weird! She pretends she’s going to go, but you can totally tell she’s lying because otherwise this episode would end and we’d be watching forty minutes of commercials. Plus she was eyeing the daughter. What a naughty succubus.

Party at Lauren’s the Morrigan’s! Mossimo shows up for yet another cameo, this time toting replacement eyeballs! What, did hummus as a housewarming present become passé?

Crap. Thought I was picking up cocktail onions.

Julia (Oh yeah, should I have mentioned her name? God I’m bad at introductions…) gets startled when Bo comes knock-knock-knocking on her door. She thought she was gonna stay away for sure, but Bo’s gotta get to the bottom of this crazy. Rather than say it with words, Julia pulls out a family scrapbook that’s documented their blood-stained past.

It’s okay, but I’m more partial to aqua-coloured layouts.

Apparently Julia thinks The Jenkins’ Oldey Timey Homemade Murder Sprees have less to do with ghosts and more to do with psychotic breaks. Bo’s still a bit skeptical, but she’s going to break our teenager out. And luckily, her chest is there for support.

Hug the pain away.

I expected a Super Special Elemental with a Twist that Communes with All Four Elements™ to have some fancy ass navigation system like a divining rod or On Star. But nope, apparently all of that “communing” just means you’ve befriended dudes buried ear-deep in the dirt, gathering gossip on the forest that surrounds them.

This is my squishy and I shall call him Squishy.

More specifically, dudes with foot fetishes.

Nah, I’m craving something a bit hairier today.

Or should I say paw fetishes? After Lazy John gets a whiff of Wolfie’s tootsies, he points them in the right direction. What a nice foot licker.

Bo manages to bust Baby Bear out of jail and it’s time to run back into the forest and eat berries and fish and all of other things that nubile cubs are wont to do. She dismisses all of her dad’s lame-ass superstitions, but Bo quickly realizes they’re meant to ward off body jumpers, not ghosts! But as soon as Julia steps past the Pinterest-worthy rustic recycled shoe garland, she’s jumped!

Damnit, I knew we shouldn’t have trusted the prop guy to turn off the electric dog fence!

Julia convulses on the ground while Bo’s like, “Shit shit shit!” Playing the role of Cool Non-Parental Adult Figure is only rewarding if the kids stay alive long enough to tell their friends about you. Realizing she has no actual parenting skills, she brings the kid back home.

It’s like 10,000 shoes and all you need is a life.

Mom finds a leaf on her kid’s clothing and they turn full Helicopter Parent when they realize she’s been outside. IT’S A FUCKING LEAF YOU GUYS. AND NOT EVEN THE FUN KIND!

I also found lines of Pixie Stix in the bathroom!

But wait, dad’s not mad at Bo, he’s mad at Julia! He aims his shotgun at his daughter, reminding his wife that their marriage vows included a romantic line about murder-suicide in case of body jumper attack.

You said you’d kill me in a box! You said you’d kill me with a fox!

Pops has been acting kind of shifty this entire time, making his story ring less than true. I had assumed he was worried Bo recognized him from White Girls or Scary Movie, but his actual dark dirty secret was that he was the murderer. DUN DUN DUN! Which makes this paranoid confession kind of awesome because no one had caught onto that. Especially not his gullible wife!

But before he can reveal other embarrassing family secrets or Bo can attempt to save the world by sucking his face, the body jumper awakens within Julia. And gets to do a fun floaty body thing!

Where the fuck did all of this house wind come from? The place didn’t look that drafty.

To show that Julia has become certified Pure Evil, her voice is replaced by an automated phone operator that threatens to destroy them all. The chills are running down my spine. Not because of the threat, but it just reminds me of the time I tried to replace my Visa after it was compromised at a dep. I’ve never heard such horrors!

Crystal finds every excuse possible to hang around Lauren so they start to go over the real reasons they’re at this diner. Lauren sidesteps the question, while Crystal just vaguely references failed dreams of becoming a country singer. God people, just fuck already! 

The real tip here is that we should fuck.

Crystal’s been failing at getting into the good doc’s pants with compliments and flirting, so she’s trying to appeal to her Homo Depot tendencies with a photo of her dream farm. Seriously, does everyone have one of these? Or have I just been hanging out with too many city slickers with grandiose dreams of chickens?

It has a perfect little patch out back where we can grow our own strap-ons.

Lauren rebuffs her yet again, so Crystal switches gears yet again. Fine, you want to be friends? Let’s be friends! Crystal invites her over to her place for platonic beers and pizza and I’m waiting for Lauren to play Debbie Downer yet again. But then this happens.

Followed by this.

Which you know means someone’s going to be eating more than just pizza tonight.

Bo and the Body Jumper are still going at it, and it looks like the poltergeist could win this round.

I just want to touch your hair damnit!

But blammo, Dyson comes into save the day by restraining the girl. But duh, it’s a body jumper! So Jumbee jumps away, leaving Dyson holding a scared and confused underaged girl.

Well this won’t look good on his record.

Bo and Dyson are finally reunited, but their hug-fest is interrupted by the body jumper trying on Schecter’s body. Although really, it’s kind of hard to tell she turned evil. The only difference between her and regular Schecter is now she won’t stop saying Jumbee.

It’s okay Jenny, you still get to play director!

Lauren shows up at Crystal’s and seems to have re-evaluated their “friend” situation. After all, she’s toting the Patented Lesbian Aphrodisiacs of beer and pizza! But then again, it looks like the beers are macro and the pizza’s full of gluten and dairy, so I’ll have to ding her a few points on this mating display.

I’m more of a Drinking A Beer in My Underwear kind of girl to be honest.

But she enter’s Crystal’s lair under the guise they’re going to “rant.”

Wolfie and Bo seem to have finally become suspicious of Jenny, but for all the wrong reasons. Dude, she was evil already, how did you not notice that?

“Did I just agree to a threesome?”

They still haven’t really caught on that Jumbee’s a body jumper, so while they’re frisking Schecter, Jumbee pops back into Julia and slashes her mom’s throat.

I know Bo.. But she was my wife… I’ll put her down.

You’re dying, she’s dying, everybody’s dying! Mom suffering from that whole sliced aorta thing, while Bo’s travel sickness catches up with her. No one really knows what to do, but Jenny’s claiming she’ll go to the forest to find a white peony, the healing flowers. ….great?

It’s finally the scene you’ve been waiting for! They’re starting with some classic lesbian foreplay: ranting and complaining. But hey, it works!

Followed by more overt foreplay!

Aw fuck, I’m just going to let you narrate this with your own dirty thoughts.

Was that good for you too?

In the slightly less wet and musky outdoors, Dyson and Bo manage to tackle our dear teen.

Warning: This is how you get Mono.

But rather than a simple Chi drain, this meal comes with a show! Seems like Lil’ Miss You Should Probably Murder Your Family hasn’t just been haunting and body jumping for kicks. Back in the day she was a happy elemental just doing her thang, getting ready for her wedding, but her fiancé’s men thought she was a witch.

Do you think the fact that I’m an elemental just like Schecter will be relevant? Probs not.

They pushed her into the water causing her face to blister, which really just narrows it down to witch or mogwai. Rather than give her fiancé explicit instructions not to feed her after midnight, they shot at her, killing them both in the process. Since she never got to say Yes to the Dress, but only Ow to the Pow, she’s been spending her spare evenings and weekends tormenting the Jenkins. Girl needs a new hobby.

I know that he’s dying and all so this scene’s supposed to be tragic, but did you look at that mustache? Shit’s crazy.

Bo wakes up from her historical name all blamey blamey. She’s siding with Jumbee, telling Pops that assholes and murderers run in his family! And surprise, Jumbee has all the time in the world to torture them, now that she’s dead and all.

Fuck, they never mentioned that on Ancestry.com.

Looks like Mossimo’s good for more than just glitter crotch cream. Morrigan no longer needs that eye patch! Damnit, just as I was getting used to that Elle Driver look.

I see you baby. Shakin’ that thang.

The Morrigan’s ready to get her vengeance on, and her first target is Bo. Apparently Mossimo and the Morrigan used to be a thing, so he claims to have already “taken care of her” to get back into her good graces, even though we all know it’s a lie. And this kids, is why you can never trust your exes.

I’m surprised, you’re surprised, we’re all surprised! How the fuck did they hook up?

Wah wah wah, Bo’s still crampy. She’s trying to fend off the body jumper which seems to be a process similar to child birth. In between high-pitched breaths and squeals of pain, she relays Jumbee’s promises for vengeance. She should really look into Lamaze or acupuncture.

Dude, you had your kids ages ago! Stop faking contractions already!

And since Schecter’s fluent in Batshit Crazy Murderer, she knows the way to end this haunting involves reuniting Jumbee and her fiancé. Duh.

It was either that or French in high school. What do you think would come in more handy?

Now that the dog’s found his owner, Dyson isn’t willing to leave Bo’s side. But dude, she’s dying? So he should probably just be a good dog and do what she says to help cure her. But even that command isn’t convincing enough, so she’s forced to make out with him. Ew, dog breath.

Just listen to my mouth damnit!

While everyone’s off playing grave robber, Bo finally succumbs to Jumbee.

She should have done some prenatal yoga.

The Scooby Gang’s still following their “brilliant plan” to reunite these wronged lovers. Because you know what never pisses off spirits causing them to haunt you until you’re driven insane? Desecrating their corpses. But no worries because Schecter and Dyson have piled all of their bony bits into a super romantic grave.

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It’s off to rob graves we go!

Meanwhile, Bo with a creamy Jumbee filling comes to murder the grave robbers. Apparently this jumper’s really weak, as Jenny and Dyson manage to subdue her. I think part of Jumbee’s problem is she keeps raising her knife really high as she’s walking towards her victim. She should work on that if she ever wants to go pro.

Yeah, I’d still be down for that threesome.

Dyson realizes that Jumbee and Noah were never married, so the only way to put their spirits to rest is by marrying them by proxy. Calling upon Beyoncé, the Patron Saint of Wronged Lovers and Leotards, Wolfie and Bo stand in for Noah and Jumbee and finally put a ring on it.

If that isn’t a romantic paranormal fog, I dunno what is.

And just like our prophet foretold in her scriptures, the two spirits pull each other into their arms to own one another before being gone like ghosts. Amen.

Lauren goes back to the diner with an extra spring in her step. Seems like getting laid was all she needed to get that stick out of her ass. But her pep doesn’t last for long, as her boss informs her some dude has a bounty for “Karen.” Who the fuck is Karen? Either way, the doc hightails it out of here.

Don’t worry “Lauren,” I’m also terrified of phones.

Bo-ldilocks bids farewell to the Three Bears, promising to be there for the young one if she ever needs help, but not promising to put on more clothing. Clearly she’s the best godmother.

I just, don’t think it’d be fair to society if I covered these up.

Lauren busts into Crystal’s pad and tells her she has to leave. Crystal offers to tag along as the Louise to her Thelma, but Lauren won’t have any of it. She just wants her to promise she’ll forget that they ever met and/or felt the power of the clam.

No one can ever know I thought this hair was a good idea!

Poor Crystal. Most drama filled one-nightstand ever.

Don’t worry, I’m in enough denial for the both of us.

Now that the case is all wrapped up, it’s time for our happy trio to start walking home. But the show wouldn’t be complete without Schecter being an asshole, so she pulls a knife on Bo!

No really, never trust a Schecter.

Schecter claims Bo for Vex’s bounty and tries to lead her charge away backwards in heels. If Dyson tries to follow them, she’ll let the Transcendental sickness kill her. But while this whole two-step negotiation hostage situation is initially kind of impressive, Schecter’s overlooked two things. A) Jumbee, an elemental (See, I knew that fact would come in handy) had already cured Bo. And B) this Show’s called Lost Girl, not The New Lost Girl, Starring Mia Kirshner. So Bo slaps her around which is super satisfying before finishing her off by sucking her dry.

She should look into getting some dental dams.

This’ll probably sound twisted, but I don’t think watching Schecter die will ever get old.

Schecter: 0, Humanity: 1.

Dyson starts the long ride home with Bo mumbling about all of the friends and family she’s missed. They briefly mention the train, but neither can remember it. Weird. Also, where did this getaway car come from? With Bo leaning over the passenger seat, does it really matter?

Don’t worry, I’ve got your airbags right here.

The Lesbian Doctor’s on her way out of town in her gosh dang fanciest walkin’ boots. But lookie here at who’s stoppin’ by to give our lady a lift!

I figured you just had a bag, so I could just rent a car instead of getting a U-Haul.

But what should’ve been a Super Adorable Riding Off into the Sunset Moment is rudely interrupted by a hand clamping over Lauren’s mouth! Crystal apologizes, but I dunno, it kind of falls flat when she was the one that invited the kidnapper along. But maybe I’m just not that forgiving? And of course Dyson and Bo drive by the car kidnapping in action and continue on. Yay, everyone’s an asshole!

Lauren: 0, Crystal: -5.

Hopefully 404 will have Lauren find more reliable lovers!

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