Listling Without Commentary: Sh*t You Drank and Received at Last Year’s Christmas

Statements of extreme, borderline “troublesome” drinking and the gifts you received/gave anyhow, plucked from last year’s Christmukkahawanzaah Open Thread. Were you there? Did you comment?  This Bud’s for you. Also, get excited because this year’s Christmukkah Open Thread is right around the corner…

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1. Nothing says “Happy Birthday Jesus” like a case of Miller Lite.

2. I started drinking at 6:30 AM in the shower. The day has gone downhill from there.

3. I’ve smuggled some Bundy and Baileys into the country ’cause I’m locked in the house til Monday as the fam “desperately needs to reconnect…or connect rather.”

4. Dad: “Here, have a Christmas beer. We’re gonna need it.”

5. All I want to do is cry in the shower and drink spiked fruit punch.

6. My Dad poured two fingers of Maker’s into a tumbler and handed it to me. And I was like, “DAD. It is 1:30 in the afternoon. I need ICE WITH THIS.”

7. My parents got me a Dwight-From-The-Office Bobble Head… and oddly enough it’s the present that has kept me the most entertained tonight.

8. My whiskey is in a jar because that’s the only glass in the house because my parents just drink out of these giant enormous plastic cups like we’re at 7-Eleven but without all the waste of paper cups.

9. When i was 15 I got flavoured vodka shots in my stocking. And flashing shot glasses.

10. I hope my grandmother likes Twilight ’cause she’s getting all the books.

11. I’m starting off with my Bailey’s and hot chocolate and not looking back.

12. Anyone who can turn water into wine is invited to my next party.

13. I am currently playing ‘War on Terror – the Board game’ with my siblings, which is what my mother gave me this Christmas, yay. It has an ‘axis of evil’ spinner and my little sister is wearing the ‘evil’ balaclava atm as she is being a terrorist this turn.

14. I think I still have some vodka hidden in my room from when I was 15.

15. Beer pong with the festive Solo Cups would be better than church.

16. We also have a magnum of champagne to make it easier to swallow that we all have holiday pajamas on.

17. I got a box of Nicorette gum from my mother.

18. My mom told me my little second cousin got a Barbie four-wheeler, a Barbie scooter, AND a Barbie bike and my sole response was: “I don’t support Barbie.” Besides, where is this little girl going? She’s got enough transportation for the whole dyke march worth of dykes.

19. I asked Santa for Mariska Hargitay for Christmas but instead I got a book called “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.”

20. I would like the equivalent of an auto-purple heart for living through my uncle picking me up at the Cincinnati airport tweaked out on meth and driving me to central Kentucky in the rain OMG DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN? Yes. Yes it did.

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Make sure you join us again this year at your drunkest and merriest!

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Riese is the 32-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1744 articles for us.

31 Comments

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    feeling honored to be a part of this. thankfully i’ve got an extra tall PBR waiting for me in the corner of my room and am finally 21 so can chug the parentals’ wine with no inhibitions!

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    I’ve got two handles of vodka set aside for a and post-Christmas parties with friends. My family got into town today. The only thing my cousins and I have in common is our love for alcohol. I have a feeling I’m going to have to replace these before Sunday.

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    Family will be arriving anytime. I am boiling sweet potatoes and hiding all my lesbian magazines and books. I am also wiping my laptop clean, because mark my words, someone will have borrowed it without asking by the end of the day.
    It’s dark in the closet, and I can’t read my books or anything. Does anyone have a flashlight?

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    My mother is arriving in an hour, and I have yet to get out of my pajamas.

    I’ve already done the obligatory “indications that your daughter has a sex life” sweep, but now I need to clean the rest of everything.

    Anyone have some last minute Christmas cleaning music?

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    oh god my mother offered me coquito (puerto rican eggnog) less than twenty minutes after i walked in at 10 this morning

    she’s cooking already! why!? there are only three people who are going to be here tonight wtffff

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    Ugh, I am really feeling #5 right now. It’s 11am (I overslept! I have so much to do!) and I can barely find the motivation to get out of bed. My girlfriend and I had a fight this morning before she went to work and the next time I see her is going to be this evening at dinner with my dad, stepmom, and weirdo prescription drug-addicted, conservative (and possibly homophobic?) stepgrandparents. Who don’t know I’m gay, but will quickly find out. GAH!

    I just want to run to her work, get her out of there somehow (family emergency?), apologize for being grumpy this morning and tell her I love her, and then spend the rest of the day in bed with my phone off.

    But I still have to get on a plane (without my lady) tomorrow morning and visit more crazy family and stepfamily. In the boonies. With no car. Or cell phone. Or internet. Dear lord help me.

    Who wants a tumbler of spiced rum? Anyone? Anyone? I’m on my second so far this morning…

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    I’m on a tiny island in the swedish archipelago we have more than a meter of snow and I’ve been drinking glögg spiked with vodka and eating gingerbread cookies all evening and making my own waist length wool old school night cap. my mother made and I had a few miscommunications about the meaning of nightcap earlier which resulted in the sharing of a couple bourbons as well so I’m not even sure why I’m typing so well.

    crunk is the way to be on christmas though, but shit, our water is froze, so our plumbing doesn’t work which sucks. -18? lol roughing this one

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