CBS Gays Up, Invents 3 Homosexuals to Fill the Void GLAAD Rated

The GLAAD Equality index gave CBS a failing grade for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender representation. Although we assumed this was related to CBS’s continued dedication to airing new episodes of Two and a Half Men, that’s not the case: CBS simply doesn’t have any homogays on its shows. In an unprecedented move for a company in America, CBS is pulling a Book of Genesis and whipping up some gays for ‘ya. I mean, how hard could it be, right? Just find those people with like three lines and make them lesbians.  At the very least, they could assign a secret lesbian past to some of the dead bodies scattered about on Cold Case, NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, CSI, CSI Miami, CSI New York, or Criminal Minds, amirite?

After receiving failing grades from the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation for three consecutive seasons for the inclusiveness of its prime-time programming to the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, CBS announced today it will add gay or lesbian characters to three series.

The brother of the attorney played by Julianna Margulies on the legal drama “The Good Wife’ will be gay, CBS Entertainment President Nina Tassler said during the network’s presentation at the Television Critics Association summer press tour.

The surrogate mother of the child of Jeff (Patrick Warburton) and Audrey (Megyn Price) on the comedy “Rules of Engagement’ will be a lesbian and there will be a gay recurring character on the new comedy “S#*! My Dad Says,’ Tassler said.

GLAAD’s fourth annual Network Responsibility Index released Friday found the 7 percent of CBS’ prime-time programming from June 1, 2009 to May 31 was lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender inclusive, the vast majority of which came from the network’s reality programming.

Of course, some asshats are understandably putting hats on their asses and then speaking blankly into the air:

Dan Gainor, vice president of the Alexandria, Va.-based Culture and Media Institute, a media watchdog group on cultural institutions, told City News Service, “two groups of people care about this — GLAAD and their buddies in Hollywood.’
“They don’t care anything about what viewers or particularly parents want,’ Gainor said.

“Every study shows that gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender are a very small portion of the population, a couple percent. They expect them to be in every program. To satisfy a complaining, popular, left-wing group, CBS is caving in immediately, re-writing programs.

“If conservatives complained about something, would CBS quickly turn around and make three of its characters Christian? Of course not. That’s not how Hollywood works,’ he said.

Well. Hopefully this means our Design Director will be a shoo-in for Survivor. They could throw her onto the island right now. What the hell, we’ll all go. Let’s make a lesbian Survivor. It would be like The Real L Word, but in houses made out of sticks and drama.

Or, they could’ve made any of these ladies into lesbians!!!

It’d be great if John Cryer became a lesbian on Two and a Half Men, because my Mom looks like Duckie, and she’s a lesbian.

In conclusion, I’m sure CBS will find some lezzers to trap in the Big Brother House (a show which nobody on Team Autostraddle is able to explain/watch/understand, seriously we don’t get it, you just watch people lie around the house all day? Visually, I am not grabbed. Are there prizes to be won? Challenges? How is this show even still on). Because we ain’t watching The Good Wife unless you change it to be The Good Wives, and also legalize gay marriage. Anyhow good job CBS! Maybe since y’all own Logo you could get some lesbians on that channel too. Just an idea.

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Riese is the CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1678 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. Thumb up 0

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    Jesus, CBS. Is it so hard not to be completely insulting? Why must you always fuck shit up for me?

    They fired one of only three women on Criminal Minds, told Paget Brewster that her days were numbered, and were swiftly attacked by “left-wing feminist groups” for being sexist…and now this. Is a gay character that’s actually a regular cast member on one of their shows too much to ask for?

    My mom refuses to watch most CBS programming because she says it’s, “the old people network” (it’s a mid-life crisis thing) and I think I might join her in this boycott. Even though I love Criminal Minds. Sad panda.

    P.S. Robin Tunney should totes just magically be a lesbian on The Mentalist. Would definitely add to the show’s awesome with Simon Baker’s character’s oblivious offensiveness.

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      Speaking of Criminal Minds, I nominate Emily Prentiss to be one the the gay characters. *swoon* Seriously though- CBS has a bunch of shows that involve powerful, hot women with guns. HOW ARE THERE NOT MORE LESBIANS ALREADY.

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        I have always thot ther was something about her character/herself any way..
        Gots to be lil gay .. Please? Jus a lil , wee , tinnie tiny bit? Okies I jus pretend.. Ooo agent prentice .. I didn’t think u could get strap ons shaped like guns!! Ok, let’s fire this bad boy up! Let’s assume th position and bang bang BANG!!

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        criminal minds is one of the only television shows i religiously watch. i will watch any episode any number of times and still enjoy it.
        and Kristen Vangsness, I think she’s gay IRL.
        also gay IRL, the voice of Ms. Frizzle on the Magic School Bus.
        just throwing it in there.

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    I’d always hoped that Lilly Rush (Cold Case) would turn out to be a lesbian character, *le-sigh*. CBS has so much lesbotential it’s ridiculous! I mean, most of their programming already requires badass females in pant suit/skirt combos and detective wear. They’re halfway there!

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    They expect them to be in every program? Really? I’m aware that Dan Gainor’s comment is absolutely nothing new, but it still pisses me off. How dare we want to see someone who actually represents us on TV. Shame on us, apparently.

    Also, not caring about what parents want? I assume he means what parents want their children to watch. If you don’t want your kid to watch gays on TV, then it’s your responsibility to direct their viewing habits. It doesn’t have anything to do with the network. Not mention, none of the shows that will now have (yes, ‘will now have’ like an afterthought really) gay characters scream kid-friendly to me. If you think your kids are old to watch those particular shows, then they’re old enough to know that gay people exist. Gah.

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    I’m so confused–does The Good Wife’s Kalinda not count because they never actually say what her sexual orientation is? Even if she identifies as sexually fluid, which makes sense considering the last few episodes of the first season (so good), wouldn’t that count for GLAAD’s purposes?

    Relatedly, I want the hot FBI agent to come back. Rawr.

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      I was just going to ask this. I realize one character does not a gay friendly network make, but Kalinda is awesome and badass and I love how much of a non-issue her sexuality is. I honestly prefer one of her to ten standard issue sweeps lesbians.

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    I imagine CBS’s boardroom meeting went something like this:

    “We need a lesbian character! Someone come up with something quick!”

    “What do lesbians typically do?”

    “They have babies and play softball.”

    “Okay wait, how do lesbians have babies?”

    “I don’t know, but I’m sure we can come up with a funny storyline…haha.”

    :|

  6. Thumb up 0

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    Best line of HIMYM ever was when Lily was all, “Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend, confidante, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman’s sexuality is a moving target…”

    YES PLEASE. CBS PLZ AIR THOSE DREAMS ‘KAY? THX.

    I mean if Lily’s game, and Robin’s doppelganger is already a lesbian, I don’t see why not…

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    good! i like this news.

    hopefully at one point in the near or also possibly far future there could be a lesbian sex scene with which CBS could explain to the world how lesbians have sex? even though i’m not even sure anymore? but if anyone would know, cbs would know right?

    too many ?s?

  8. Thumb up 0

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    Oh, no. Ever since CBS killed Emily/JJ they have been dead to me.

    You have AJ Cook, Paget Brewster and Kirsten Vangsness on one show and you don’t even appreciate it? You need more money to pay that wife-beating asshole Sheen $million per episode so your solution is to look at a phenomenal ensemble show and say “Let’s get rid of the girls”? And then you don’t even tell the cast before the media, though it’s lengendary how much those people are like family?

    No. No on pretty much every level. Fuck them and their token gays, we are done professionally.

  9. Pingback: Behind the Mask | The Voice of Africa's LGBTI Community – CBS GAYS UP, INVENTS 3 HOMOSEXUALS TO FILL THE VOID GLAAD RATED

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    They need to make Emily Prentiss from Criminal Minds gay, and cast me as her girlfriend. They then need to bring J.J. back for a lesbian love triangle storyline, which will of course end in a lesbian love threesome. I should write a crime show.

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