Welcome to the second episode of American Horror Story aka the Ryan Murphy Racial Insensitivity Hour!
We open deep in the Louisiana swamp where a couple of slack-jawed yokels are trapping and killing gators. They return to their cabin in the swamp, outside of which they’ve hung up the dead gators. But they’re not alone!
The gorgeous Misty Day is there, looking pretty great for someone who was burned at the stake. She’s wearing white gauzy clothing and dancing around to Fleetwood Mac, so she’s obviously the best person in this episode. While Misty enjoys breathable cotton and Stevie Nicks, she does not care for alligator murder and other such affronts to Mother Nature.
She magicks the alligators alive and the gators eat both the yokels. Nature vengeance!
Meanwhile at Miss Robichaux, Cordelia is waking up the girls for the morning gathering.
Madison answers the door in her underwear, and Cordelia is not amused.
Madison and Zoe are roommates, which is surprising because this house seems to have a million rooms and only four students. Hopefully they will develop a Lost and Delirious style lesbian boarding school affair, only with fewer falcons and tears.
Zoe is still obsessing over Kyle, who she talked to for all of five minutes before Madison killed him on the rape bus.
Madison is, understandably, having none of it. Zoe legit asks Madison how she can be such a bitch, and I legit ask myself who the fuck would call a gang rape victim a bitch?!? Zoe probably shut the fuck up about it before Madison flips her face upside down or something.
They argue over guilt by association, and whether or not Kyle deserved to die. To keep the peace, Madison apologizes for killing Kyle. Although considering Zoe’s killer vagina, this relationship was doomed from the start.
Cordelia tries to wake up Fiona, but Fiona wants her to go away, what with the unearthed immortal murderess hiding in her bedroom and all.
Fiona has tied LaLaurie to a chair and gagged her, without even the decency of allowing her a shower and a change of clothes. She’s been buried for nearly 200 years! Give that woman a loofah already.
Fiona demands to know LaLaurie’s secret to immortality is, but LaLaurie is too busy being freaked out by Fiona’s cell phone ring. I’m freaked out too. In this day and age, who doesn’t have a personalized ring? Fiona, you are truly a tool of the devil!
Time Swipe to Detroit 2012, where Queenie is working at a fried chicken joint. Is this some sort of nod to Precious? Is this racist?
BTW, there are copious amounts of fried chicken in this episode and shout-outs to Popeye’s. I respect this, because every New Orleans native knows that Popeye’s is the shit. I could so go for a biscuit right now. But back to the chicken!
A customer is giving Queenie shit about skimping on chicken, and in the process calls her fat.
Queenie responds by sticking her arm in the deep fryer, causing the customer’s arm to burn.
Back to morning share! That’s how Cordelia discovered Queenie and brought her to Miss Robichaux’s.
Queenie was on the fence about the whole thing, seeing as she’d only ever seen white witches portrayed in the media.
This is also proof that witch diversity and visibility matters, and Queenie has since learned that she is an heir to Tituba, a Salem house slave who was the first woman accused of witchcraft in Salem.
All witches are connected, but Madison snarkily suggests they sing Kumbayaa and Queenie threatens to eat her.
If all Gabourey Sidibe gets to do on this show is make/be subjected to fat jokes, I am going to throw Ryan Murphy down a well.
This bitchcraft is interrupted by two male cops with want to question Zoe and Madison about the frat party and the bus crash.
Relentessly interrogating teenage girls? These guys must have transferred from Rosewood PD.
In typical victim-blaming fashion, they accuse Madison of wanting to hurt the boys. Cordelia quickly jumps to the girls’ defense, and Madison tells them that she’s sober and well behaved…except for vodka. I like your style, Madison.
They also bust Zoe for visiting the frat bro in the hospital and killing him there, connecting it with the last boy she killed. Zoe folds like a paper bag and immediately confesses the gang rape, the murder…she even tells the cops that they are witches at a witch school studying witchcraft!
Dammit Zoe, what’s the first rule of Witch Club? YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT WITCH CLUB.
The cops, who totally ignore the whole gang rape thing btw, try to interrogate the girls further. Madison and Cordelia are trying to save this shit show by saying that Zoe is having a mental break.
Luckily for everyone, Fiona sweeps in to clean this mess up. The cops ask her if she’s in charge here, and she tells them she’s in charge everywhere. Ugh, Jessica Lange, stop being so amazing. I can’t even deal with it.
Fiona then spits into two glasses of water RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM and offers them to the cops. The cops are already hypnotized by her, and drink the water, considering it’s the closest they’ll ever get to tasting the inside of her mouth.
Fiona takes their evidence and makes them forget all about the case. Zoe and Madison are impressed, while Cordelia seems mildly annoyed.
Madison and Zoe are fighting in their room when Fiona swans in and uses her magic to throw them against the wall.
I wish Fiona would use her magic to throw me against the wall, AM I RIGHT LADIES? She reminds them about the rules of Witch Club: don’t talk about it, and support each other. It’s witches vs. the world, and the girls need to get on board.
Fiona singles out Zoe as the weakest link, and tells her that the only thing to fear is Fiona herself.
Next, Madison and Zoe are breaking into the morgue! Field trip!