Welcome to the second episode of American Horror Story aka the Ryan Murphy Racial Insensitivity Hour!

They are not kidding about that TV-MA Warning

We open deep in the Louisiana swamp where a couple of slack-jawed yokels are trapping and killing gators. They return to their cabin in the swamp, outside of which they’ve hung up the dead gators. But they’re not alone!

Siderbar, I really love this layered necklace look

The gorgeous Misty Day is there, looking pretty great for someone who was burned at the stake. She’s wearing white gauzy clothing and dancing around to Fleetwood Mac, so she’s obviously the best person in this episode. While Misty enjoys breathable cotton and Stevie Nicks, she does not care for alligator murder and other such affronts to Mother Nature.

And that’s why you always leave a note.

She magicks the alligators alive and the gators eat both the yokels. Nature vengeance!

Meanwhile at Miss Robichaux, Cordelia is waking up the girls for the morning gathering.

Rise and shine girls, time to fight the patriarchy!

Madison answers the door in her underwear, and Cordelia is not amused.

Who’s at the door?

Someone who doesn’t have time for this shit.

Touche, Foxxy. Touche.

Madison and Zoe are roommates, which is surprising because this house seems to have a million rooms and only four students. Hopefully they will develop a Lost and Delirious style lesbian boarding school affair, only with fewer falcons and tears.

We’re the lost girls, right? Lost and Delirious.

Zoe is still obsessing over Kyle, who she talked to for all of five minutes before Madison killed him on the rape bus.

In no mood for role play right now.

Madison is, understandably, having none of it. Zoe legit asks Madison how she can be such a bitch, and I legit ask myself who the fuck would call a gang rape victim a bitch?!? Zoe probably shut the fuck up about it before Madison flips her face upside down or something.

Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.

They argue over guilt by association, and whether or not Kyle deserved to die. To keep the peace, Madison apologizes for killing Kyle. Although considering Zoe’s killer vagina, this relationship was doomed from the start.

Cordelia tries to wake up Fiona, but Fiona wants her to go away, what with the unearthed immortal murderess hiding in her bedroom and all.

What part of “Do Not Disturb” don’t you understand?

But I made waffles.

I’ll be right down.

Fiona has tied LaLaurie to a chair and gagged her, without even the decency of allowing her a shower and a change of clothes. She’s been buried for nearly 200 years! Give that woman a loofah already.

No waffles for you! None!

Fuck you I wanted biscuits anyway!

Fiona demands to know LaLaurie’s secret to immortality is, but LaLaurie is too busy being freaked out by Fiona’s cell phone ring. I’m freaked out too. In this day and age, who doesn’t have a personalized ring? Fiona, you are truly a tool of the devil!

Time Swipe to Detroit 2012, where Queenie is working at a fried chicken joint. Is this some sort of nod to Precious? Is this racist?

Really half-assing it on that hairnet

BTW, there are copious amounts of fried chicken in this episode and shout-outs to Popeye’s. I respect this, because every New Orleans native knows that Popeye’s is the shit. I could so go for a biscuit right now. But back to the chicken!

Just found out what they did with Mercedes storyline on Glee.

A customer is giving Queenie shit about skimping on chicken, and in the process calls her fat.

They bring her back to Lima but she just stands in the background!

She came all the way from LA and she’s not even singing? Fuck this show

Queenie responds by sticking her arm in the deep fryer, causing the customer’s arm to burn.

Kentucky Fried Hand

Back to morning share! That’s how Cordelia discovered Queenie and brought her to Miss Robichaux’s.

I think you found your root.

Queenie was on the fence about the whole thing, seeing as she’d only ever seen white witches portrayed in the media.

I would so watch “Sabrina the Teenage Cracker.”

This is also proof that witch diversity and visibility matters, and Queenie has since learned that she is an heir to Tituba, a Salem house slave who was the first woman accused of witchcraft in Salem.

So this is what they call white privilege?

What’s white privilege?

Stop embarrassing yourself, Nancy Drew

Don’t be upset. Madison can’t even spell privilege

All witches are connected, but Madison snarkily suggests they sing Kumbayaa and Queenie threatens to eat her.

P-R-I…fuck all you bitches

If all Gabourey Sidibe gets to do on this show is make/be subjected to fat jokes, I am going to throw Ryan Murphy down a well.

This bitchcraft is interrupted by two male cops with want to question Zoe and Madison about the frat party and the bus crash.

A little broke down, because when I they knocked I thought they were the candy men

Relentessly interrogating teenage girls? These guys must have transferred from Rosewood PD.

We know you girls are pretty and little. But are you liars?

Got a Secret. Can you keep it?

In typical victim-blaming fashion, they accuse Madison of wanting to hurt the boys. Cordelia quickly jumps to the girls’ defense, and Madison tells them that she’s sober and well behaved…except for vodka. I like your style, Madison.

I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would appreciate these accusations

They also bust Zoe for visiting the frat bro in the hospital and killing him there, connecting it with the last boy she killed. Zoe folds like a paper bag and immediately confesses the gang rape, the murder…she even tells the cops that they are witches at a witch school studying witchcraft!

It was her vibrator in the kitchen sink, not mine!

We bought it together, you bitch!

I only paid for the harness and the lube!

Dammit Zoe, what’s the first rule of Witch Club? YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT WITCH CLUB.

The cops, who totally ignore the whole gang rape thing btw, try to interrogate the girls further. Madison and Cordelia are trying to save this shit show by saying that Zoe is having a mental break.

Officer, we have reason to believe she’s insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain

Luckily for everyone, Fiona sweeps in to clean this mess up. The cops ask her if she’s in charge here, and she tells them she’s in charge everywhere. Ugh, Jessica Lange, stop being so amazing. I can’t even deal with it.

How about a nice warm glass of shut the hell up?

Fiona then spits into two glasses of water RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM and offers them to the cops. The cops are already hypnotized by her, and drink the water, considering it’s the closest they’ll ever get to tasting the inside of her mouth.

Anything but backwash!

You’ll drink it and like it

Fiona takes their evidence and makes them forget all about the case. Zoe and Madison are impressed, while Cordelia seems mildly annoyed.

Madison and Zoe are fighting in their room when Fiona swans in and uses her magic to throw them against the wall.

I brought ass whooping and lollipops

and I’m all out of lollipops!

I wish Fiona would use her magic to throw me against the wall, AM I RIGHT LADIES? She reminds them about the rules of Witch Club: don’t talk about it, and support each other. It’s witches vs. the world, and the girls need to get on board.

And if I ever find your sex toys in the sink again, I’m confiscating them!

Even my RodeOh?

Fiona singles out Zoe as the weakest link, and tells her that the only thing to fear is Fiona herself.

And if you complain one more time, your vagina won’t be the only thing around here killing people!

So, like, her boobs, or…

Next, Madison and Zoe are breaking into the morgue! Field trip!

Spencer Hastings does this all the time, how hard can it be?

Madison wants to thank Zoe for vag-killing that guy in the hospital, so she decides they are going to resurrect Kyle! I would have just given her a thank you card, but whatevs.

We’ll resurrect your boyfriend and then get froyo.

But you promised me Pinkberry.

The girls enter a room of bloodied body parts. Turns out the bus crash acted like a giant Cuisinart, and there are boy parts scattered everywhere.

Gross Gross Gross

Gross! He has a mullet.

They find Kyle’s head, but not much else of him. It’s Gross Town USA. Zoe is ready to puke, but Madison sees the glass of dismembered body parts half full. They can use all the different parts lying around to Frankenstein together the perfect boy! Did she forget that most of the parts belong to her rapists? Did she never see Practical Magic? This is not going to end well.

You put the lime in the coconut in the rapist, and you shake it all up!

Meanwhile, Cordelia getting an ultrasound with her husband Hank. Where did he come from?

Just a little lower…

Apparently they’ve been trying to get pregnant with doctor magic aka medicine, but it’s not working. Hank wants her to abracadabra a baby already, but Cordelia’s hesitant to tangle with such dark life and death style magic.

What’s the worst that could happen?

You’ve obviously never seen this show before

Are there seriously no lesbian witches on this show? Way to leave out the ONE stereotype I wanna see!
Upstairs, Fiona brings LaLaurie some fried chicken, hoping to get the secret of immortality.

start talking or the chicken gets it!

We flashback to LaLaurie getting poisoned by Laveau. She wakes up with a wicked headache, and goes outside to see Laveau and a mob of slaves with fire and pitchforks.

Not a flash mob.

LaLaurie tries to taunt them, but is destroyed when she sees that Laveau has lynched her entire family. So long hot slutty daughter, we barely knew ye.

And you’ll never find out what happens on Homeland!

Laveau then curses her to be buried alive forever, damned to suffer alone for eternity. They box that bitch up and bury her.

Flash forward. Fiona eats a drumstick and offers some half-hearted sympathy. There’s no problem fried chicken can’t solve, you guys.

Nom nom nom

Back at the morgue, the girls furiously sew a new body for Kyle. I hope they use the Piper Lime accessory wall thoughtfully.

That’s some good herb

This shit just kicked in.

They start the spell, which involves shouting in Latin, blood sacrifice, and inhaling smoke from a bowl. I’m all for smoking, but this is no time to get high, ladies.

It was schwag! Whyyyyy!

The spell ends, and nothing happens. Whomp Whomp, witch fail.

I’m more of a civil ceremony kinda girl

Madison goes outside to smoke a doob while Zoe says a tearful goodbye to Kyle’s desecrated corpse. A car pulls up and Madison cheeses it outta there, leaving Zoe behind. Zoe kisses Kyle’s dead lips goodbye, when she’s busted by the morgue employee, who is obviously not paid enough to death with this shit.

Tastes like cheap weed

Before he can call the cops, FrankenKyle comes alive and attacks him. He’s alive!

FrankenKyle attack!

Down in the Ninth Ward, Fiona is getting her hair did. Why? Because this shop belongs to Marie Laveau, who is alive and rocking braids and leopard print turtleneck! Guess someone else sipped the immortality potion.

This is how you fierce

What’s happening with the other two witches at the school? Nan is distracted by LaLaurie’s loud thoughts and unties her.

Get out now, you loud thinking bitch!

Queenie sees this shit go down but before she can stop it, LaLaurie calls her a slave and clubs her with a candelabra.

It was the racist, in the bedroom, with the candlestick

Back to the beauty shop with Fiona and Marie. Fiona makes a “black don’t crack” joke about Marie, which is admittedly funny because she’s 200 years old and still looks fierce. Marie fires back that Fiona wipes her ass with diamonds (ouch!) and demands to know what she wants.

I want bangs that I don’t have to style, why is that so hard?

Turns out, there’s been a witch race war a brewin’ since the days of Tituba. The different tribes have been battling for centuries, and Marie accuses white witches of stealing magic from African shamans. Apparently Tituba shared these secrets with the Salem girls, who then turned on her. Fiona insults her, which is not a smart thing to do considering Marie is holding a straightening iron so close to her face.

Not the money maker!

Fiona wants some of Marie’s five hour immortality drink, but Marie refuses. She wouldn’t share it if Fiona offered her a unicorn that shits hundies. This is not a joke, Angela Bassett says this and it’s amazing.

Okay, what about a narwhal that poops emeralds?

And she has a point: why would Marie want LaLaurie? She can’t kill her. Wouldn’t she just re-bury her? Nice try Fiona. Fiona leaves, but not before lighting some wigs on fire. Witches out!

Not the wigs!

Back in the green house, Cordelia is putting together a spell to make a magic baby.

Let’s go do it hetero-style!

She has freaky sex with her husband in a ring of fire.

This time you pretend to be Tara, and I’ll pretend to be Willow

Snakes hatch from eggs and crawl on them. They stab each other in the chest with needles. You know, typical married sex.

Back at the morgue, Zoe steals the morgue guy’s car and drives off with FrankenKyle, who is understandably freaking the fuck out.

But you love taking the freeway!

Suddenly, Misty Day pops up from the backseat like she’s in a ghost story or something. Boo!

The witch is calling from inside the car

Misty takes them to the gator shack, cranks up the Fleetwood, and starts slapping mud on FrankenKyle’s wounds.

Don’t worry, you get used to the smell

She tells Zoe that Louisiana swamp mud has healing properties what with the Spanish moss and the alligator poops. It even healed her when she was burned alive! Guys, I’m not a medical doctor, but DON’T SMEAR SWAMP MUD ON YOUR OPEN WOUNDS. You have been warned.

It’s so lonely on this twin bed. Why don’t you join me?

Turns out Misty felt Zoe’s magic calling to her (hey girl hey) and invites her to sit beside her on a bed and deconstruct Fleetwood Mac lyrics.

You should know, my vagina is a killer

And I can’t die! Bring that killer vag over here!

If I had a dime for every time this happened to me, I’d have a lot of dimes, y’all. Zoe, who would rather make out with a muddy monster man than the gorgeous Lily Rabe, has to go back to school, but promises to come visit them.

Now kiss

In the meantime, Misty will take care of FrankenKyle and play the Rumors album on a loop.

Straight girl problems

Marie Laveau is in the beauty shop, talking to her chained up Minotaur man. So she can give him immortality but still can’t take the fucking bull head off? Okay, fine, whatever.

bull in a beauty shop

In the streets of NOLA, Fiona finds LaLaurie sitting on a bench. Turns out being stuck in a box for 200 years and finding out your home is now a spooky museum is a total bummer.

We’ll get you some heels, a black dress, and you’ll fit right in

Fiona rightly tells her she deserves it, but LaLaurie is still heartbroken over the death her daughters…even the ugly one. She for real says this.

My daughter has the cheek bones of a Grecian statue, so I can’t relate. But kids, am I right?

Also, she was gonna kill her husband anyway, so no big. She asks Fiona if she can kill her, Fiona will check her schedule. She brings LaLaurie back home and they walk the empty streets together.

this is the beginning of beautiful friendship…of murder

Next time on AHS: LaLaurie is the new maid! Madison wants to fuck the neighbor! Patti Lupone!

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