Welcome to the second episode of American Horror Story aka the Ryan Murphy Racial Insensitivity Hour!
We open deep in the Louisiana swamp where a couple of slack-jawed yokels are trapping and killing gators. They return to their cabin in the swamp, outside of which they’ve hung up the dead gators. But they’re not alone!
The gorgeous Misty Day is there, looking pretty great for someone who was burned at the stake. She’s wearing white gauzy clothing and dancing around to Fleetwood Mac, so she’s obviously the best person in this episode. While Misty enjoys breathable cotton and Stevie Nicks, she does not care for alligator murder and other such affronts to Mother Nature.
She magicks the alligators alive and the gators eat both the yokels. Nature vengeance!
Meanwhile at Miss Robichaux, Cordelia is waking up the girls for the morning gathering.
Madison answers the door in her underwear, and Cordelia is not amused.
Madison and Zoe are roommates, which is surprising because this house seems to have a million rooms and only four students. Hopefully they will develop a Lost and Delirious style lesbian boarding school affair, only with fewer falcons and tears.
Zoe is still obsessing over Kyle, who she talked to for all of five minutes before Madison killed him on the rape bus.
Madison is, understandably, having none of it. Zoe legit asks Madison how she can be such a bitch, and I legit ask myself who the fuck would call a gang rape victim a bitch?!? Zoe probably shut the fuck up about it before Madison flips her face upside down or something.
They argue over guilt by association, and whether or not Kyle deserved to die. To keep the peace, Madison apologizes for killing Kyle. Although considering Zoe’s killer vagina, this relationship was doomed from the start.
Cordelia tries to wake up Fiona, but Fiona wants her to go away, what with the unearthed immortal murderess hiding in her bedroom and all.
Fiona has tied LaLaurie to a chair and gagged her, without even the decency of allowing her a shower and a change of clothes. She’s been buried for nearly 200 years! Give that woman a loofah already.
Fiona demands to know LaLaurie’s secret to immortality is, but LaLaurie is too busy being freaked out by Fiona’s cell phone ring. I’m freaked out too. In this day and age, who doesn’t have a personalized ring? Fiona, you are truly a tool of the devil!
Time Swipe to Detroit 2012, where Queenie is working at a fried chicken joint. Is this some sort of nod to Precious? Is this racist?
BTW, there are copious amounts of fried chicken in this episode and shout-outs to Popeye’s. I respect this, because every New Orleans native knows that Popeye’s is the shit. I could so go for a biscuit right now. But back to the chicken!
A customer is giving Queenie shit about skimping on chicken, and in the process calls her fat.
Queenie responds by sticking her arm in the deep fryer, causing the customer’s arm to burn.
Back to morning share! That’s how Cordelia discovered Queenie and brought her to Miss Robichaux’s.
Queenie was on the fence about the whole thing, seeing as she’d only ever seen white witches portrayed in the media.
This is also proof that witch diversity and visibility matters, and Queenie has since learned that she is an heir to Tituba, a Salem house slave who was the first woman accused of witchcraft in Salem.
All witches are connected, but Madison snarkily suggests they sing Kumbayaa and Queenie threatens to eat her.
If all Gabourey Sidibe gets to do on this show is make/be subjected to fat jokes, I am going to throw Ryan Murphy down a well.
This bitchcraft is interrupted by two male cops with want to question Zoe and Madison about the frat party and the bus crash.
Relentessly interrogating teenage girls? These guys must have transferred from Rosewood PD.
In typical victim-blaming fashion, they accuse Madison of wanting to hurt the boys. Cordelia quickly jumps to the girls’ defense, and Madison tells them that she’s sober and well behaved…except for vodka. I like your style, Madison.
They also bust Zoe for visiting the frat bro in the hospital and killing him there, connecting it with the last boy she killed. Zoe folds like a paper bag and immediately confesses the gang rape, the murder…she even tells the cops that they are witches at a witch school studying witchcraft!
Dammit Zoe, what’s the first rule of Witch Club? YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT WITCH CLUB.
The cops, who totally ignore the whole gang rape thing btw, try to interrogate the girls further. Madison and Cordelia are trying to save this shit show by saying that Zoe is having a mental break.
Luckily for everyone, Fiona sweeps in to clean this mess up. The cops ask her if she’s in charge here, and she tells them she’s in charge everywhere. Ugh, Jessica Lange, stop being so amazing. I can’t even deal with it.
Fiona then spits into two glasses of water RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM and offers them to the cops. The cops are already hypnotized by her, and drink the water, considering it’s the closest they’ll ever get to tasting the inside of her mouth.
Fiona takes their evidence and makes them forget all about the case. Zoe and Madison are impressed, while Cordelia seems mildly annoyed.
Madison and Zoe are fighting in their room when Fiona swans in and uses her magic to throw them against the wall.
I wish Fiona would use her magic to throw me against the wall, AM I RIGHT LADIES? She reminds them about the rules of Witch Club: don’t talk about it, and support each other. It’s witches vs. the world, and the girls need to get on board.
Fiona singles out Zoe as the weakest link, and tells her that the only thing to fear is Fiona herself.
Next, Madison and Zoe are breaking into the morgue! Field trip!
Madison wants to thank Zoe for vag-killing that guy in the hospital, so she decides they are going to resurrect Kyle! I would have just given her a thank you card, but whatevs.
The girls enter a room of bloodied body parts. Turns out the bus crash acted like a giant Cuisinart, and there are boy parts scattered everywhere.
They find Kyle’s head, but not much else of him. It’s Gross Town USA. Zoe is ready to puke, but Madison sees the glass of dismembered body parts half full. They can use all the different parts lying around to Frankenstein together the perfect boy! Did she forget that most of the parts belong to her rapists? Did she never see Practical Magic? This is not going to end well.
Meanwhile, Cordelia getting an ultrasound with her husband Hank. Where did he come from?
Apparently they’ve been trying to get pregnant with doctor magic aka medicine, but it’s not working. Hank wants her to abracadabra a baby already, but Cordelia’s hesitant to tangle with such dark life and death style magic.
Are there seriously no lesbian witches on this show? Way to leave out the ONE stereotype I wanna see!
Upstairs, Fiona brings LaLaurie some fried chicken, hoping to get the secret of immortality.
We flashback to LaLaurie getting poisoned by Laveau. She wakes up with a wicked headache, and goes outside to see Laveau and a mob of slaves with fire and pitchforks.
LaLaurie tries to taunt them, but is destroyed when she sees that Laveau has lynched her entire family. So long hot slutty daughter, we barely knew ye.
Laveau then curses her to be buried alive forever, damned to suffer alone for eternity. They box that bitch up and bury her.
Flash forward. Fiona eats a drumstick and offers some half-hearted sympathy. There’s no problem fried chicken can’t solve, you guys.
Back at the morgue, the girls furiously sew a new body for Kyle. I hope they use the Piper Lime accessory wall thoughtfully.
They start the spell, which involves shouting in Latin, blood sacrifice, and inhaling smoke from a bowl. I’m all for smoking, but this is no time to get high, ladies.
The spell ends, and nothing happens. Whomp Whomp, witch fail.
Madison goes outside to smoke a doob while Zoe says a tearful goodbye to Kyle’s desecrated corpse. A car pulls up and Madison cheeses it outta there, leaving Zoe behind. Zoe kisses Kyle’s dead lips goodbye, when she’s busted by the morgue employee, who is obviously not paid enough to death with this shit.
Before he can call the cops, FrankenKyle comes alive and attacks him. He’s alive!
Down in the Ninth Ward, Fiona is getting her hair did. Why? Because this shop belongs to Marie Laveau, who is alive and rocking braids and leopard print turtleneck! Guess someone else sipped the immortality potion.
What’s happening with the other two witches at the school? Nan is distracted by LaLaurie’s loud thoughts and unties her.
Queenie sees this shit go down but before she can stop it, LaLaurie calls her a slave and clubs her with a candelabra.
Back to the beauty shop with Fiona and Marie. Fiona makes a “black don’t crack” joke about Marie, which is admittedly funny because she’s 200 years old and still looks fierce. Marie fires back that Fiona wipes her ass with diamonds (ouch!) and demands to know what she wants.
Turns out, there’s been a witch race war a brewin’ since the days of Tituba. The different tribes have been battling for centuries, and Marie accuses white witches of stealing magic from African shamans. Apparently Tituba shared these secrets with the Salem girls, who then turned on her. Fiona insults her, which is not a smart thing to do considering Marie is holding a straightening iron so close to her face.
Fiona wants some of Marie’s five hour immortality drink, but Marie refuses. She wouldn’t share it if Fiona offered her a unicorn that shits hundies. This is not a joke, Angela Bassett says this and it’s amazing.
And she has a point: why would Marie want LaLaurie? She can’t kill her. Wouldn’t she just re-bury her? Nice try Fiona. Fiona leaves, but not before lighting some wigs on fire. Witches out!
Back in the green house, Cordelia is putting together a spell to make a magic baby.
She has freaky sex with her husband in a ring of fire.
Snakes hatch from eggs and crawl on them. They stab each other in the chest with needles. You know, typical married sex.
Back at the morgue, Zoe steals the morgue guy’s car and drives off with FrankenKyle, who is understandably freaking the fuck out.
Suddenly, Misty Day pops up from the backseat like she’s in a ghost story or something. Boo!
Misty takes them to the gator shack, cranks up the Fleetwood, and starts slapping mud on FrankenKyle’s wounds.
She tells Zoe that Louisiana swamp mud has healing properties what with the Spanish moss and the alligator poops. It even healed her when she was burned alive! Guys, I’m not a medical doctor, but DON’T SMEAR SWAMP MUD ON YOUR OPEN WOUNDS. You have been warned.
Turns out Misty felt Zoe’s magic calling to her (hey girl hey) and invites her to sit beside her on a bed and deconstruct Fleetwood Mac lyrics.
If I had a dime for every time this happened to me, I’d have a lot of dimes, y’all. Zoe, who would rather make out with a muddy monster man than the gorgeous Lily Rabe, has to go back to school, but promises to come visit them.
In the meantime, Misty will take care of FrankenKyle and play the Rumors album on a loop.
Marie Laveau is in the beauty shop, talking to her chained up Minotaur man. So she can give him immortality but still can’t take the fucking bull head off? Okay, fine, whatever.
In the streets of NOLA, Fiona finds LaLaurie sitting on a bench. Turns out being stuck in a box for 200 years and finding out your home is now a spooky museum is a total bummer.
Fiona rightly tells her she deserves it, but LaLaurie is still heartbroken over the death her daughters…even the ugly one. She for real says this.
Also, she was gonna kill her husband anyway, so no big. She asks Fiona if she can kill her, Fiona will check her schedule. She brings LaLaurie back home and they walk the empty streets together.
Next time on AHS: LaLaurie is the new maid! Madison wants to fuck the neighbor! Patti Lupone!
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