Madison wants to thank Zoe for vag-killing that guy in the hospital, so she decides they are going to resurrect Kyle! I would have just given her a thank you card, but whatevs.
The girls enter a room of bloodied body parts. Turns out the bus crash acted like a giant Cuisinart, and there are boy parts scattered everywhere.
They find Kyle’s head, but not much else of him. It’s Gross Town USA. Zoe is ready to puke, but Madison sees the glass of dismembered body parts half full. They can use all the different parts lying around to Frankenstein together the perfect boy! Did she forget that most of the parts belong to her rapists? Did she never see Practical Magic? This is not going to end well.
Meanwhile, Cordelia getting an ultrasound with her husband Hank. Where did he come from?
Apparently they’ve been trying to get pregnant with doctor magic aka medicine, but it’s not working. Hank wants her to abracadabra a baby already, but Cordelia’s hesitant to tangle with such dark life and death style magic.
Are there seriously no lesbian witches on this show? Way to leave out the ONE stereotype I wanna see!
Upstairs, Fiona brings LaLaurie some fried chicken, hoping to get the secret of immortality.
We flashback to LaLaurie getting poisoned by Laveau. She wakes up with a wicked headache, and goes outside to see Laveau and a mob of slaves with fire and pitchforks.
LaLaurie tries to taunt them, but is destroyed when she sees that Laveau has lynched her entire family. So long hot slutty daughter, we barely knew ye.
Laveau then curses her to be buried alive forever, damned to suffer alone for eternity. They box that bitch up and bury her.
Flash forward. Fiona eats a drumstick and offers some half-hearted sympathy. There’s no problem fried chicken can’t solve, you guys.
Back at the morgue, the girls furiously sew a new body for Kyle. I hope they use the Piper Lime accessory wall thoughtfully.
They start the spell, which involves shouting in Latin, blood sacrifice, and inhaling smoke from a bowl. I’m all for smoking, but this is no time to get high, ladies.
The spell ends, and nothing happens. Whomp Whomp, witch fail.
Madison goes outside to smoke a doob while Zoe says a tearful goodbye to Kyle’s desecrated corpse. A car pulls up and Madison cheeses it outta there, leaving Zoe behind. Zoe kisses Kyle’s dead lips goodbye, when she’s busted by the morgue employee, who is obviously not paid enough to death with this shit.
Before he can call the cops, FrankenKyle comes alive and attacks him. He’s alive!
Down in the Ninth Ward, Fiona is getting her hair did. Why? Because this shop belongs to Marie Laveau, who is alive and rocking braids and leopard print turtleneck! Guess someone else sipped the immortality potion.
What’s happening with the other two witches at the school? Nan is distracted by LaLaurie’s loud thoughts and unties her.
Queenie sees this shit go down but before she can stop it, LaLaurie calls her a slave and clubs her with a candelabra.
Back to the beauty shop with Fiona and Marie. Fiona makes a “black don’t crack” joke about Marie, which is admittedly funny because she’s 200 years old and still looks fierce. Marie fires back that Fiona wipes her ass with diamonds (ouch!) and demands to know what she wants.
Turns out, there’s been a witch race war a brewin’ since the days of Tituba. The different tribes have been battling for centuries, and Marie accuses white witches of stealing magic from African shamans. Apparently Tituba shared these secrets with the Salem girls, who then turned on her. Fiona insults her, which is not a smart thing to do considering Marie is holding a straightening iron so close to her face.
Fiona wants some of Marie’s five hour immortality drink, but Marie refuses. She wouldn’t share it if Fiona offered her a unicorn that shits hundies. This is not a joke, Angela Bassett says this and it’s amazing.
And she has a point: why would Marie want LaLaurie? She can’t kill her. Wouldn’t she just re-bury her? Nice try Fiona. Fiona leaves, but not before lighting some wigs on fire. Witches out!
Back in the green house, Cordelia is putting together a spell to make a magic baby.
She has freaky sex with her husband in a ring of fire.
Snakes hatch from eggs and crawl on them. They stab each other in the chest with needles. You know, typical married sex.
Back at the morgue, Zoe steals the morgue guy’s car and drives off with FrankenKyle, who is understandably freaking the fuck out.
Suddenly, Misty Day pops up from the backseat like she’s in a ghost story or something. Boo!
Misty takes them to the gator shack, cranks up the Fleetwood, and starts slapping mud on FrankenKyle’s wounds.
She tells Zoe that Louisiana swamp mud has healing properties what with the Spanish moss and the alligator poops. It even healed her when she was burned alive! Guys, I’m not a medical doctor, but DON’T SMEAR SWAMP MUD ON YOUR OPEN WOUNDS. You have been warned.
Turns out Misty felt Zoe’s magic calling to her (hey girl hey) and invites her to sit beside her on a bed and deconstruct Fleetwood Mac lyrics.
If I had a dime for every time this happened to me, I’d have a lot of dimes, y’all. Zoe, who would rather make out with a muddy monster man than the gorgeous Lily Rabe, has to go back to school, but promises to come visit them.
In the meantime, Misty will take care of FrankenKyle and play the Rumors album on a loop.
Marie Laveau is in the beauty shop, talking to her chained up Minotaur man. So she can give him immortality but still can’t take the fucking bull head off? Okay, fine, whatever.
In the streets of NOLA, Fiona finds LaLaurie sitting on a bench. Turns out being stuck in a box for 200 years and finding out your home is now a spooky museum is a total bummer.
Fiona rightly tells her she deserves it, but LaLaurie is still heartbroken over the death her daughters…even the ugly one. She for real says this.
Also, she was gonna kill her husband anyway, so no big. She asks Fiona if she can kill her, Fiona will check her schedule. She brings LaLaurie back home and they walk the empty streets together.
Next time on AHS: LaLaurie is the new maid! Madison wants to fuck the neighbor! Patti Lupone!
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