American Horror Story 302 Recap: Boy Parts

Welcome to the second episode of American Horror Story aka the Ryan Murphy Racial Insensitivity Hour!

They are not kidding about that TV-MA Warning

They are not kidding about that TV-MA Warning

We open deep in the Louisiana swamp where a couple of slack-jawed yokels are trapping and killing gators. They return to their cabin in the swamp, outside of which they’ve hung up the dead gators. But they’re not alone!

Siderbar, I really love this layered necklace look]

Siderbar, I really love this layered necklace look

The gorgeous Misty Day is there, looking pretty great for someone who was burned at the stake. She’s wearing white gauzy clothing and dancing around to Fleetwood Mac, so she’s obviously the best person in this episode. While Misty enjoys breathable cotton and Stevie Nicks, she does not care for alligator murder and other such affronts to Mother Nature.

And that's why you always leave a note.

And that’s why you always leave a note.

She magicks the alligators alive and the gators eat both the yokels. Nature vengeance!

Meanwhile at Miss Robichaux, Cordelia is waking up the girls for the morning gathering.

Rise and shine girls, time to fight the patriarchy!

Rise and shine girls, time to fight the patriarchy!

Madison answers the door in her underwear, and Cordelia is not amused.

Who's at the door?

Who’s at the door?

Who's at the door?

Someone who doesn’t have time for this shit.

Touche, Foxxy. Touche.

Touche, Foxxy. Touche.

Madison and Zoe are roommates, which is surprising because this house seems to have a million rooms and only four students. Hopefully they will develop a Lost and Delirious style lesbian boarding school affair, only with fewer falcons and tears.

We're the lost girls, right? Lost and Delirious.

We’re the lost girls, right? Lost and Delirious.

Zoe is still obsessing over Kyle, who she talked to for all of five minutes before Madison killed him on the rape bus.

In no mood for role play right now.

In no mood for role play right now.

Madison is, understandably, having none of it. Zoe legit asks Madison how she can be such a bitch, and I legit ask myself who the fuck would call a gang rape victim a bitch?!? Zoe probably shut the fuck up about it before Madison flips her face upside down or something.

Whatever. I'm getting cheese fries.

Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.

They argue over guilt by association, and whether or not Kyle deserved to die. To keep the peace, Madison apologizes for killing Kyle. Although considering Zoe’s killer vagina, this relationship was doomed from the start.

Cordelia tries to wake up Fiona, but Fiona wants her to go away, what with the unearthed immortal murderess hiding in her bedroom and all.

What part of "Do Not Disturb" don't you understand?

What part of “Do Not Disturb” don’t you understand?

But I made waffles.

But I made waffles.

I'll be right down.

I’ll be right down.

Fiona has tied LaLaurie to a chair and gagged her, without even the decency of allowing her a shower and a change of clothes. She’s been buried for nearly 200 years! Give that woman a loofah already.

No waffles for you! None!

No waffles for you! None!

Fuck you I wanted biscuits anyway!

Fuck you I wanted biscuits anyway!

Fiona demands to know LaLaurie’s secret to immortality is, but LaLaurie is too busy being freaked out by Fiona’s cell phone ring. I’m freaked out too. In this day and age, who doesn’t have a personalized ring? Fiona, you are truly a tool of the devil!

Time Swipe to Detroit 2012, where Queenie is working at a fried chicken joint. Is this some sort of nod to Precious? Is this racist?

Really half-assing it on that hairnet

Really half-assing it on that hairnet

BTW, there are copious amounts of fried chicken in this episode and shout-outs to Popeye’s. I respect this, because every New Orleans native knows that Popeye’s is the shit. I could so go for a biscuit right now. But back to the chicken!

Just found out what they did with Mercedes storyline on Glee.

Just found out what they did with Mercedes storyline on Glee.

A customer is giving Queenie shit about skimping on chicken, and in the process calls her fat.

The bring her back to Lima but she just stands in the background!

They bring her back to Lima but she just stands in the background!

She came all the way from LA and she's not even singing? Fuck this show

She came all the way from LA and she’s not even singing? Fuck this show

Queenie responds by sticking her arm in the deep fryer, causing the customer’s arm to burn.

Kentucky Fried Hand

Kentucky Fried Hand

Back to morning share! That’s how Cordelia discovered Queenie and brought her to Miss Robichaux’s.

I think you found your root.

I think you found your root.

Queenie was on the fence about the whole thing, seeing as she’d only ever seen white witches portrayed in the media.


I would so watch “Sabrina the Teenage Cracker.”

This is also proof that witch diversity and visibility matters, and Queenie has since learned that she is an heir to Tituba, a Salem house slave who was the first woman accused of witchcraft in Salem.


So this is what they call white privilege?

What's white privilege?

What’s white privilege?

Stop embarrassing yourself, Nancy Drew

Stop embarrassing yourself, Nancy Drew


Don’t be upset. Madison can’t even spell privilege

All witches are connected, but Madison snarkily suggests they sing Kumbayaa and Queenie threatens to eat her.

P-R-I…fuck all you bitches

P-R-I…fuck all you bitches

If all Gabourey Sidibe gets to do on this show is make/be subjected to fat jokes, I am going to throw Ryan Murphy down a well.

This bitchcraft is interrupted by two male cops with want to question Zoe and Madison about the frat party and the bus crash.


A little broke down, because when I they knocked I thought they were the candy men

Relentessly interrogating teenage girls? These guys must have transferred from Rosewood PD.

We know you girls are pretty and little. But are you liars?

We know you girls are pretty and little. But are you liars?


Got a Secret. Can you keep it?

In typical victim-blaming fashion, they accuse Madison of wanting to hurt the boys. Cordelia quickly jumps to the girls’ defense, and Madison tells them that she’s sober and well behaved…except for vodka. I like your style, Madison.

I don't think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would appreciate these accusations

I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would appreciate these accusations

They also bust Zoe for visiting the frat bro in the hospital and killing him there, connecting it with the last boy she killed. Zoe folds like a paper bag and immediately confesses the gang rape, the murder…she even tells the cops that they are witches at a witch school studying witchcraft!

It was her vibrator in the kitchen sink, not mine!

It was her vibrator in the kitchen sink, not mine!


We bought it together, you bitch!


I only paid for the harness and the lube!

Dammit Zoe, what’s the first rule of Witch Club? YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT WITCH CLUB.

The cops, who totally ignore the whole gang rape thing btw, try to interrogate the girls further. Madison and Cordelia are trying to save this shit show by saying that Zoe is having a mental break.


Officer, we have reason to believe she’s insane in the membrane. Insane in the brain

Luckily for everyone, Fiona sweeps in to clean this mess up. The cops ask her if she’s in charge here, and she tells them she’s in charge everywhere. Ugh, Jessica Lange, stop being so amazing. I can’t even deal with it.

How about a nice warm glass of shut the hell up?

How about a nice warm glass of shut the hell up?

Fiona then spits into two glasses of water RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM and offers them to the cops. The cops are already hypnotized by her, and drink the water, considering it’s the closest they’ll ever get to tasting the inside of her mouth.


Anything but backwash!


You’ll drink it and like it

Fiona takes their evidence and makes them forget all about the case. Zoe and Madison are impressed, while Cordelia seems mildly annoyed.

Madison and Zoe are fighting in their room when Fiona swans in and uses her magic to throw them against the wall.


I brought ass whooping and lollipops

and I'm all out of lollipops!

and I’m all out of lollipops!

I wish Fiona would use her magic to throw me against the wall, AM I RIGHT LADIES? She reminds them about the rules of Witch Club: don’t talk about it, and support each other. It’s witches vs. the world, and the girls need to get on board.

And if I ever find your sex toys in the sink again, I'm confiscating them!

And if I ever find your sex toys in the sink again, I’m confiscating them!


Even my RodeOh?

Fiona singles out Zoe as the weakest link, and tells her that the only thing to fear is Fiona herself.

And if you complain one more time, your vagina won't be the only thing around here killing people!

And if you complain one more time, your vagina won’t be the only thing around here killing people!


So, like, her boobs, or…

Next, Madison and Zoe are breaking into the morgue! Field trip!

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Chelsea Steiner was born and raised in New Orleans, which explains her affinity for cheesy grits and Britney Spears. She currently resides in sunny Los Angeles, where she works as a screenwriter/blogger/sex educator. She's the writer/director of Thank You Come Again, a queer sex positive web series based on her experiences working the Pleasure Chest, which you can follow on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. She’s obsessed with dachshunds, Buffy, 90's dance parties, and roller derby. She loves the word "Jewess" and wishes more people used it to describe her. Follow her ramblings on Twitter and her cute puppy pics on Instagram.

Chelsea has written 46 articles for us.


  1. Zoe is so tedious.

    Also, trust Ryan Murphy to bring us the Murder Vagina as a magical power. Cos they’re totally gross and freaky, amirite? And female sexuality is evil. Eugh, that’ll do misogynist, that’ll do. Fortunately he’s so busy with his narratives of victim blaming police officers he hopefully wont have time to return to MurderVag for a bit.

    Also, don’t you love how both role model figures are caught up in using their badass ancient powers for two things: making babies and stayin pretty. Cos you know us gals, we’re all just reading straight from the pages of Cosmo’s latest special “10 ways to use magic to please your man”.

  2. Ahaha!
    This recap was amazing – literally had me snickering out loud to myself.

    I’ve never read a recap that wasn’t Lizz or Riese’s – and now you’re right up there with my favorite AS funny ladies! Glad I came across this :)

    If Misty isn’t a lady-loving witch, I don’t know what I’ll do.
    But she looked about one sweet-lady-kiss away from dragging Brad the piano man into that shack and singing Songbird to Zoe.
    Let’s cross our fingers or, like, marry Satan or whatever and pray that she is! <3

    • Considering that both Zoe and Madison married Satan, are they also married to each other?
      And Would it be cheating on Satan if Zoe and Misty made out? Bold move to cheat on Lucifer, takes some guts…

      • Well, Lily Rabe did basically play Satan last season, so I’m crossing my fingers that it happens ;)

  3. “AND I’M ALL OUT OF LOLLIPOPS” I nearly spit out all my cereal when I read that I was laughing so hard.
    Most perfect caption. EVER!

  4. First of all: Recap gold! Chelsea you knocked it out of the park, amazing job.
    Now, about the plot. I don’t think Fiona was offering to trade LaLaurie for the recipe for immortality, she was gonna give Marie Laveau the heir to Tituba, Queenie. At least that would give gabourey sidibe something to do…

  5. AQ2BNWRT But I’m a Cheerleader reference? You are my favorite, Chelsea. I’ve been eagerly awaiting this second recap and it definitely did not disappoint!

    • Oh god, my kitten stepped on my keyboard! That should have said just said A not AQ2BNWRT :P

      He thinks he owns the place, walkin’ all over everything… But he’s so cute! *sigh*

  6. In the grand tradition of AS recaps (like Real L Word) I have zero interest in watching the show but I am soooo into the recaps. Pure gold.

  7. I can’t believe how invested I am in this show (and these recaps) after only two episodes.

    There isn’t much more to say… Because you’ve already said it all.

  8. I had to live in a town with no popeye’s for 3 months one time and it was more horrifying than this show. “FUCK YOU I WANTED BISCUITS ANYWAY!” – extra perfect

  9. “I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would appreciate these accusations.” Omg. This is the best one.

  10. This recap just cements the fact that I will not be watching AHS: Coven but instead vicariously viewing through your recaps, Chelsea. Your captions had me cackling (like a witch?) I CAN’T WAIT FOR THE NEXT RECAP!

  11. I don’t get any feels from Emma Roberts generally, but I projected sexual tension when she was talking to Cordelia in her undies and so I totes ran with that in my mind and I regret nothing.

    Lots of social commentary going on in the salon scene. Not sure if it stood out to me because I am black… of course that’s why.

    I may be in the minority here, but I actually found the sex scene in the ring of fire kind of hot. Like when her eyes went black I assumed she was about to ya know… and so that was cool.

    Poor Precious can’t win. Always the fried chicken, always. And then Kathy Bates was freed and knocked out the first black person she saw. I laughed, but still very effed up.

    • “And I can’t die! Bring that killer vag over here!”

      You know, I had the EXACT same thought when watching this scene unfold. UST out the wazoo . . .

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