Y’All Need Help #19: “Happy Senior Old Lady Giving Thumbs Up, Supporting Your Decision Fully”

Q: A Clean Bandit

My girlfriend is very messy and I am very neat. We do not live together and both tend to be respectful of each other’s spaces. Mostly. Sometimes. I don’t want her to change who she is, or how she lives her life, but sometimes it straight up grosses me out. Is there a way to compromise on cleanliness? Follow-up: Am I an asshole for letting this bother me?


Yes there is a way to compromise on cleanliness and no you’re not an asshole for wanting things to be clean! You’re only an asshole if you act like an asshole to her about it. The good news is that you don’t live together and that if you DID ever live together, it would be totally legal to set up expectations from the get-go re: things that must be clean and tidy and things that can be a little messy sometimes. Or maybe you should just break up and never speak to her again and live alone in your home where everything is tidy all the time and no one makes any messes. These are your options I think.

Q: Bottoms Up

Are two bottoms who love each other very much going to work out?


They sure are! Has one of you tried just rolling on top of the other one and then wiggling a lot?

don't forget the hands

Q: Insurance!

The only health insurance I can get offers no out of network benefits and will cost me $150 a month. None of my (trusted, long term, necessary mental healthcare) providers take this insurance in-network*. My meds will cost less monthly with an Rx discount card ($75) than they will with insurance ($150 + $5 co-pay). Since I’m not gonna get any coverage for the only doctors I see, and cant afford out-of-pocket along with a premium, should I or should I not go without insurance for 2018? *(no mental healthcare ppl that I can get to take this insurance, actually.)


I’m not an insurance expert and I could never answer this question for you. It does seem like going without insurance would be the best route for you financially, barring any unforeseen tragedies. Could you talk to your doctors about different payment options, sliding scales, or other resources they can suggest or offer you? They could also recommend providers who would be in your network with the new insurance plan! I would take this directly to my current healthcare providers because I wouldn’t know what else to do, to be honest. Or cry a lot. Or both!

A commenter has mentioned the tax penalty to consider, and that’s also true. Basically you have to learn every single thing there is to learn about every single option possible and then make an informed decision based on what’s right for you and your budget and your budget a year from now!

this image represents you and your shitty health insurance situation and the many ways this seems like it could go on forever and always be terrible but also there is hope because see there's the sky and she clearly has a map or something important on that paper and those represent the hope and then see how her eyes are cutting over noticing something promising in the distance? like it's probably a path or someone running toward her with a sandwich and some water and that represents your sharp senses and the fact that there is certainly absolutely for sure someone who can help!

Q: Luna

Is the moon a lesbian?


Yes. The moon used to identify as bisexual but that was just a phase.


Q: Short Hair DO CARE

I’ve been thinking about cutting my hair super short for awhile but I know my mother will hate it. Should I do it anyway?



Q: Real Question

Should we start a letter-writing campaign to get Roberta Colindrez some sort of Devon-related spin-off now that I Love Dick is cancelled?


I think Riese has already started this, but if she hasn’t then yes, someone has to pick up the mantle.


Q: Kids??

Should I have kids? I am broke but in my mid thirties sooooo what do you think?


You will literally never have enough money for kids unless you’re like a Vanderbilt or something! But also real talk I think if you have to ask someone on the internet if you should have kids the answer is probably no BUT DON’T LET ME TELL YOU WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM, OK. Make good choices and water your plants! Get some rest!

don't let me make this decision for you

Q: Cher

Do you believe in life after love?




Q: Uhaul

I told myself I wouldn’t get into a relationship for at least a year and I found a cute smart pretty girl who I really LIKE. Is it dumb to not date her just because I said I wouldn’t?


Yes that is dumb! She’s cute and smart and PRETTY and you REALLY LIKE HER. What are you doing still reading this?????!

yes! next

Q: Grey Gardens

Do I need a gray accent wall in my bedroom? Picking a gray is exhausting there are so many.


You do need a grey accent wall, yes. You have to just buckle down and do the work, OK. Nobody said life was going to be easy! Least of all the part of life where you pick a paint color! NOW GET OUT THERE AND MAKE IT HAPPEN.

"Happy senior old lady giving thumbs up, supporting your decision fully"

Q: Dreamsss

Hello! Do I take out loans and pursue a different career or just stay at a job that provides a decent paycheck and be thankful I have health insurance?


Always always always stay at the job long enough to save some money and get all of your teeth fixed and your doctor stuff done and THEN take out the loan and pursue a different career! Give yourself a date like maybe a year out and then get down to the business of preparing your life for a major change. DREAMS ARE GOOD AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE let’s do stuff while we can!

let's do stuff!

Q: Be Honest

Is it wrong to feel that straight people are just more boring than queers? They are SO BORING.


call it like you see it

Y’All Need Help is a biweekly advice column in which I pluck out a couple of questions from the You Need Help inbox and answer them right here, round-up style, quick and dirty! (Except sometimes it’s not quick, but that’s my prerogative, OK?) You can chime in with your own advice in the comments and submit your own quick and dirty questions any time.

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lnj has written 310 articles for us.


  1. Re insurance: I would say get the insurance! Also triple check that you aren’t eligible for subsidies/medicaid.

    Get the insurance because you’ll have to pay a $600 tax penalty for being uninsured, which brings your financial hit down to about $150/year to have it over not having it. And $150 is a great deal if this turns out to be the year that you get catastrophic health issues that require huge medical bills (I literally got hit by a car once, then this year actually started needing to carry an inhaler. Shit happens).

    Also, you don’t only need mental health care, and it’s nice to have things like well-person visits and any other meds you might need covered!

  2. Insurance person–I strongly, strongly, strongly urge you to get insurance because you literally never know when you’ll have a medical emergency like getting appendicitis or a car accident or needing your gallbladder out or having your cat bite you and then you need to be hospitalized for infection because cats’ mouths are disgusting. Hospital shit is…..ridiculously expensive (to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars for any of the above that I’ve listed). Even with insurance hospital shit is ridiculously expensive (only thousands of dollars instead of tens of thousands of dollars which is still way too much but is less likely to leave you in medical death until you die). And I know I sound super dramatic here (and I am, a little, thanks to my chronic illnesses speaking), but seriously, after some of my hospital bills that left me horrified after insurance, I never ever would want to see someone have to deal with that with no insurance because FUCK nobody should have to deal with that.

    • Um, yea. Someone I know literally cut his throat on a POTATO CHIP and it put him out of work and in the ICU for an entire summer. It was during the 90-day-insurance-hadn’t-kicked-in-yet-period when he started a new job and it was both a medical and financial disaster. From eating a snack. You need insurance because this world is fucking crazy.

    • Likewise. I admit to snickering. Probably because I never actually had to put up with anyone asking me if it was just a phase. But now, if someone does, I will just start laughing and say, “Yes. Soon I will be lesbian, like the moon.” And then snicker some more at the look on their face. :)

    • Same! And if (horror of horrors) for me it turns out to be a phase it’s ok because the moon is cool with going through phases.

  3. I was disappointed that these were short, at first, but I actually really liked this format. Quickfire loves & truths were appreciated.

  4. I was hit by a car once, I didn’t have insurance. I spent close to 12 hours at the hospital, mostly in a gurney on the hallway because I didn’t have insurance so they didn’t care abou me.
    My bill was over $12000.00, about one thousand dollars an hour.
    Get insurance.

    • Kayla, I just scrolled through your twitter for a bit and discovered the “Karma’s a bitch” meme and I’m addicted to it now. Thank you for introducing me to this magical corner of the internet!

  5. Dating before the year is up person, it depends. A year is an arbitrary amount of time; the more important question is, why did you want to go without dating in the first place? Is your shit handled in that area? Because if not, maybe it is a bad idea. Maybe it’s a fine idea and you just need to keep your reasons in mind as you date. In either case it is probably not as simple as go forth and date with abandon. Unless it was just for funsies, in which case, get it.

  6. I used to really trust Laneia’s advice, but now I know she hates “Believe” by Cher so I don’t know what to think anymore.

  7. Just NO on the grey wall. NO NO NO NO NO NO NON NON NON NIET NO.

    aargh there are innumerable straight people living grey lives coming into my work and designing around their grey walls for their grey grey grey lives please dear lesbian Jesus Hayley Kiyoko busy queer parenting in Appalachia don’t let this travesty happen in my safe space, thank you and praise you.


    • Besides gray is super underrated. It’s what I wear to cheer up an outfit when I’m wearing too much black.

      • Yes! Grey is responsible for the important task of keeping my look out of “wannabe goth” territory. Well, grey and cognac (the colour, not the liquor, though I like that too).

    • If you have never also seen porn where two lovely people fisted each other simultaneously, then let me say: love is all you need.

    • Also lube. If you have enough lube, the love is def optional, but also I believe in you and in tops and in love.

    • Yes, they can be very happy together, but must only have sex standing straight up so that no one is ever on the bottom.

  8. This comment is intended to be as lighthearted as the question it’s in reference to, so…no one get mad!

    I think a lot of the “straight people are boring” thing actually comes down to having kids, or doing the things in life to get one to the point of being ready to have kids (like a 9 to 5 and fiscal responsibility). I know plenty of not-boring straight people, but a lot of the people who actually, y’know, do stuff either don’t have kids or their kids are grown and gone. And my queer friends with kids, most of whom are still quite small due to us mostly being in our 30s…guess what their lifestyle mostly is?

    On the other hand, I see your point. I remember going out with my spouse several years ago and we ran into some women he knew from high school. They were sweet, lovely people but they had married these boring, polo shirt-wearing engineer guys (which my man is very much not). He ribbed them gently for this, out of earshot, and they had to laugh and agree. I think a larger proportion of straight people than queer people get caught up in the “this is how you are supposed to live, do these conformist things” and that’s how they get these basic lives. He and I said “fuck all expectations of us” when we got together all those years ago, and that is why we are less boring.

    On the other OTHER hand, even though our relationship is het, only one of us is, and he asserts that he is much more boring than I am. I don’t know what the Pearson correlation coefficient is on being a crazy intellectual and being some stripe of queer, but I bet it’s approaching .8 and highly significant ;).

    • I completely agree with you, fellow queer person in a het marriage. We have some good perspective on this!

      I was actually just pondering this last night. I was thinking back on some awesome, special experiences I’ve had with male friends, and that it was socially acceptable because they saw me as gay and not a potential romantic partner (also, a big part of how I ended up with my husband, previously a close friend whom I could safely get close to because he did not see me as a potential girlfriend, and I did not see him as a potential romantic partner either, but that’s another story). I remember how jarring it was to suddenly have conversations/friendships with most men be socially unacceptable when I was no longer perceived as a lesbian. I was feeling bad for all these people who have limited their relationships and the spectrum of human experience due to stupid social conventions.

  9. Laneia I am definitely going to ask you for help someday soon.

    Also you are a Shutterstock genius, or wherever it is that you get your photos, you had me guffawing most uncouthly in a public place this morning.

  10. Cut your hair! I did it and my mom hated it and it was great!

    Have kids!!!!! HAVE KIDS! I am one of those asshole parents who can complain about how hard it is and then in the next breath tell people they should have kids now. I also have decided it is now my greatest passion to get more queer people to be parents because those quiverfull idiots and the people who think we shouldn’t/don’t exist are raising tons of new humans who will grow up with that worldview. It is hard and expensive (true that almost no one can afford them), but SO worth it, and the world needs more queer parents.

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