Happy holidays! And by “happy” I mean, things sure feel really bad right now?? And most of us have probably had our holiday plans changed once again?? But luckily our gift to you is a virtual one AKA our long-awaited mailbag episode!
We get into tough feelings surrounding non-monogamy, fictional characters we’d want on the pod, and so much more. Thank you to everyone who sent in questions!
+ If it feels good, do it.
+ You can’t watch Barbara Hammer movies online but if you’re in LA you can see Nitrate Kisses in theatres next month for free.
+ Scissoring merch! Get your scissoring merch!
+ An essay on Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl and my personal brand of sluttiness.
+ Ro’s piece on dental dams.
+ The Novice is out now! Watch it!
Drew: I was talking to my dad of all people—
Christina: Bringing dads into this space!
Drew: I know — about being happy. And my dad was like, “Oh, well, do you think it’s because this is the first relationship that you’ve gotten into as yourself?
Christina: First of all, dad, that’s so sweet!
Drew: I know! Very sweet dad comment.
Christina: Go off, king!
Drew: And I was like — very funny for you to call my dad king.
Theme song plays
Drew: Hi, I’m Drew!
Christina: And I’m Christina! And this is a podcast that I forgot the intro to already.
Drew: That’s okay! It’s been a while.
Christina: Woohoo, it has.
Drew: This is Wait, Is This a Date?
Christina: Yes, that podcast.
Drew: I’ll do your part. Welcome to Wait, Is This a Date? An Autostraddle podcast all about sex and dating as queer people with queer people, hopefully. How, how am I doing?
Christina: No, I think you’re crushing it. I think what’s really exciting about this episode is this is our mailbag episode where we’ll be taking questions from you, our listeners. A bunch of you sent in voice memos and emails, and we have the content and the questions and hopefully the answers, but like, I, I’m not gonna say anything too crazy. I don’t wanna get too outlandish, you know?
Drew: Yeah. We’re questioning along with you. Should we — I mean, this probably isn’t people’s first episode, but in case people missed us, you know, introducing ourselves, maybe that’s someone’s favorite part of the podcast. So I think we should introduce ourselves.
Christina: Yeah, absolutely.
Drew: Okay, cool. I’ll go first. My name is Drew Gregory. I’m a writer and a filmmaker and a queer person. I still identify as a lesbian, but I’ve been using that word less, which is maybe something that I can unpack on a future episode. I still am a lesbian, but I also am like, what does that even mean? You know? I don’t know. Labels are funny, but I’m pretty confident that I’m a writer. I’m pretty confident that I’m a filmmaker. Uh, what about you?
Christina: Yeah. Uh, I am Christina Tucker, a writer at Autostraddle also. I am also a queer person. I started actually using “queer” more when I first came out and now I use lesbian maybe equally. I’m also very, I just kind of use whatever word feels right, coming out of my mouth in the moment. And I don’t really think about it much more than that. But that’s a journey we’re all on, frankly.
Drew: I support that. I do think that sums up who we are, that I’m like, “I’m going to have to revisit this in the future.” And you’re like, “I just sort of do what I feel and don’t need to think more about it.”
Christina: I quite literally pick the word that works best for the bit, so…
Drew: Well, yeah. So as you said, this is our mailbag episode. Should we just get into the first — oh, I also want to say before we start that if you sent us a question and we don’t get to it, it might be because there were certain things that were like, oh, I want to unpack this on a future full episode, maybe with a special guest who would be more, you know, maybe more qualified to answer it. So we really appreciate all the questions—
Christina: You guys sent a lot of questions, which was cool, but we might not have time to get to every single one of them.
Drew: Yeah. But they were all read.
Christina: And also some of you just sent us compliments without questions.
Drew: And, you know, usually with — if this was a Q&A before or after a movie, it’d be like, don’t compliment the person. There’s a whole audience here, but for this, the only audience was Christina and I and Lauren. And so honestly, compliments, great. Thank you so much. Really, very nice.
Christina: Thrilling to receive, truly one of my main food groups.
Drew: So yeah, let’s start with the first question. In the voice memo, the person says that they’re semi-closeted, so we’re gonna leave out names just to be safe here. And let’s listen to this question.
Anonymous Asker: So this is coming from a person who has no experience with dating whatsoever, mostly because I’m semi-closeted and living out in the mostly conservative boonies. When I graduate high school, I’m leaving this place so I can have a taste of freedom. And I’m realizing that I’m going to be entering the queer dating realm. This is a very generic query, but how do I ask a girl out for the first time without falling into a full on panic attack? As you can tell, I’m very bad at talking to people.
Drew: This is an age old, age old question. Truly.
Christina: It really is. I honestly think it is why we have a podcast.
Drew: Yeah. I mean, I feel like we sort of know where I’m going to go with this, which is like, it’s about accepting the fact that no one’s good at this? I mean, maybe people eventually get good at it because you do it enough and you sort of lose the — what’s it — the exposure therapy or whatever — but like, it is one of those things where you just do it and it gets easier. And personally, even before I came out — I mean, to clarify, I was asking girls out before I came out because of the whole being a trans person thing. And when I think about the early days of when I left my terrible small town and went off to college and was first really asking people out, I really took a very direct approach and really was like, “Hello, do you want to go on a date?” And I think over the years, I moved away from that a little bit. But I honestly still, I still think sometimes it’s great to just be direct and ask someone out, and you get a clear answer. I mean, you could also do the thing where you just start vague and ask someone to hang out and you just, you know, play a, Wait, Is This a Date game for awhile.
Christina: Right. Fingers crossed, I hope that message comes across. I also think in a scenario, like for me, when I started dating, as I was queer dating, I was out of college, way out of my hometown, but I was doing a lot of dating via apps and that does cut down the awkwardness because it’s like, we all know what we’re here for. And while I think there are obviously negatives to any dating app, much like most things in life, I do think that kind of removing that barrier of like, oh no, how awkward is this going to be? Like, is it going to be like, no, it’s, that’s what this is for the platform where you have come to. And then when you, when you make the hangout ask, it does necessarily know that it’s a date because that’s why we’re all here. Vibing.
Drew: That’s a good point.
Christina: I mean, I do understand that it is — like that feeling of like, “Oh no, this is going to be so awkward because I’m so awkward.” But honestly the times I have felt super awkward, frankly, most people are just like, that was charming. So don’t think about your awkwardness only in like, this is awkward and everybody hates me. People can be like, that’s awkward, but it’s kind of cute. And I do want to go on a date with you. Two things can be true. I think that’s beautiful.
Drew: Very true. Yeah. Yeah. I think we have this idea that if you ask someone out, you have to be like major top energy Shane-style, and it’s like, no, you can ask someone out as an awkward person, and that’s a different brand of hot, but it’s still, it’s still one of the brands.
Christina: There are many brands of hot.
Christina: Wow. That’s really beautiful.
Drew: Great. Well, let’s move on to the next question that is coming from Claire from Australia.
Claire: Hey, I’ve loved listening to you guys from here in Queensland, Australia, and had a question for each of you actually. Christina, what is this non-transferable lip liner that you wear on a first date, and where can I buy it? And Drew, yours is a bit harder. How do you know when to listen to the hard feelings that come up during a non-monogamous situation and when to work through them?
Christina: Wow. I love that I get a lip and you get hard feelings. I think that’s a really beautiful. I will go first and give you some time to think about the hard feelings. So there’s a couple of versions of a non-transferable lip. When I was in my youth back in the old mid-aughts, when everyone was simply addicted to wearing a matte lipstick, I did a lot of, like, Stila mattes are pretty non-transferable. But here’s the thing I’m getting older. My skin is getting drier. I can’t be wearing a matte lip like that and not having a dried out lip moment. So now we’ve moved into a stain, which is really chef’s kiss. Cause it can get a little must, but no one really notices, still look great. Currently a big fan of Clinique. Their black honey is an incredible one and also the Knicks lippie powder puff, many colors, fades beautifully. A great lip stain. Go forth and make out on your dates with great lips. That’s all I want for everybody really. Now, Drew, talk to me about hard feelings.
Drew: Hard feelings in non-monogamous relationships. Wow. Yeah. So a fun thing that happened in the hiatus that we’ve had so far is that I have a girlfriend now.
Christina: She’s incredible!
Drew: Yeah. I’m really, really happy. I am just, I feel like everyday sort of learning new definitions of what relationships and love and sex can be, and have not been this much of a romantic since I was in high school and it was all theoretical. So, I’m very happy, love to share that. I am like, okay. But also what happens when you’re, you know, in a relationship that you care about instead of, you know, just having hookups and fillings and stuff, is that you also are checking in more with your own boundaries and your partner’s boundaries as far as what you talk about. And look, all of this could be stuff that I didn’t share. And I just went into the question and was vague, but this is my version of being open by being like, explaining like certain reasons why I might be vague on the podcast moving forward, because I do think actually it’s important in our parasocial relationships we have with people who write or people who have podcasts that like, I don’t know, to talk about these things, to talk about like how I decide my boundaries, especially as someone who writes and talks about sex very graphically. Anyways, so all of that as a preamble to this question—
Christina: Context is king. That’s what we’re always saying.
Drew: Which is to say that like, I mean, in a way, like I’m, I’m in my first relationship, like as someone who’s open about being non-monogamous and navigating that and et cetera. And I think just speaking generally, like every relationship is its own conversation. And with the people who are in that relationship, everyone brings priorities and brings things that are like ideals into the relationship, and also, makes compromises and has discussions and — or doesn’t, and then that’s your own version of that. Right? And so I think it’s kind of an annoying answer, but it is sort of like, you have to both talk with yourself and talk with your partner or partners, and decide sort of, you know, what is necessary for you, you know, if you’re someone who’s monogamous and you start dating someone who’s non-monogamous, is that something you can get accustomed to? Are there certain things that make you comfortable? Is it more comfortable for you when your partner hooks up with someone that you all know and it’s casual and it’s whatever, or do you, is it more comfortable if they have other relationships, but they’re not around you at all? Or like all these — there’s so many ways to have non-monogamous relationships. And I don’t know if you’re asking this from the perspective of someone who is very free in non-monogamy and is potentially dating someone who isn’t, or vice versa. But I think that’s often a — I won’t even say a conflict, it’s just a part of being non-monogamous, I think, is that most people have different relationships to non-monogamy.
Drew: For me personally, I could date someone who had several partners. But generally with non-monogamy, my ideal would be to date someone where I’m their partner, and then we are not monogamous. If I were to date someone, which isn’t the current situation that I’m in, where I was dating someone who wanted to have multiple partners, I would have to be like, okay, what are my feelings about this person? What are my feelings about how this person communicates? Do I think that that would be something that could work for me? And figure that out. And so there are relationship dynamics I could be in where I’m on one end and where I’m on the other end. And I think that just goes to show that like, it’s just about deciding if the person you’re dating — one, if your feelings for them are strong enough that it’s worth it, and also if you’re compatible enough in your desires that it can work, because sometimes you really like someone and they really like you, or you really love someone and they really love you, and it just doesn’t work out with what you both want from a relationship. And that’s sad, but it is also just the case. So whether or not to work through the hard feelings is always going to be case by case. And I think that it’s also very dependent on communication styles, because if you have good communication with the person or people you’re dating, you can work through a lot more than if you struggle to communicate. So those are all my rambling thoughts on this thing that I think about a lot.
Christina: I would like listeners to know that this is why I get six-minute voice memos from Drew. Though in fairness, she has not sent me a six-minute voice memo in a very long time.
Drew: It’s been a long time.
Christina: But that is usually the energy. And I do feel like I just spoke one into existence. I can’t wait for the next couple of days.
Drew: Do you think it’s because I’m in a relationship?
Christina: I know that it is.
Drew: I’m feeling insecure about that now. Yeah. Now I’m like, am I a bad friend now that I’m in a relationship?
Christina: I think it’s fine and beautiful and wonderful and great. And I’m not exactly clamoring to receive more six-minute voice memos.
Drew: I’m going to send you a six-minute voice memo about my relationship. Would that be fun? Would that be a fun thing for you to have?
Christina: I mean, yes, of course it would. You’re my friend.
Drew: Thank you. Okay. Moving on.
Christina: Moving on.
Drew: Let’s see. This voice memo is from Julia.
Julia: Hey Drew. Hey Christina. Here’s my question for y’all. If you could have any fictional queer character on the pod, who would it be and what dating topic would you discuss? Thanks for taking these Qs! Bye!
Christina: This is such a fun question.
Drew: This is a great question. My — honestly, and not to be incredibly Autostraddle about it, but my gut reaction was like, I would like a second season that is a sit down with every main character of The L Word. And just to be like, “What’s wrong with you?”
Drew: Yeah. Okay. So I’ve been making a concerted effort in both my brain and my writing, to talk about The L Word less, because I’m like, there’s so much other stuff out there and like, it is fun that we have this common language, but also, I don’t know, I was very frustrated with the last season. But when this question came in, the first thing I thought was like, Bette Porter, come on and talk about boundaries. We need to talk about: when is it okay to hook up with people you work with? When is it not okay? Is it usually not okay? Yes. So maybe we should talk about that. Yeah, so that would be fun, but also we don’t usually have guests on to roast them or to criticize them. We also have people on—
Christina: I think season 2 can be anything we want it to be.
Drew: That’s a great point. That’s a great point.
Christina: A good L Word character to have on would be GiGi. That would be fun.
Drew: She knows how to talk about—
Christina: She knows how to communicate. She knows how to have boundaries. She knows how to express desire. That would be very fun. But in a non-L Word, does anybody come up for you? Like in a non L word space? Let’s pull it back? Yeah.
Drew: Yeah. Let’s do that challenge. Well now I’m just thinking about people who I want to be like, what’s your problem?
Christina: I know, it’s fine.
Drew: Which, maybe that should be the tone of season two, because like Hattie on Twenties, I also want to have a long talk with her about so many things, but I’m trying to think of someone who’s like Gigi style where I’m like, I’d want this person on because I think they could have some really good insight.
Christina: I mean, obviously for me, the answer is Julianna Margulies’ character on The Morning Show. I would like Laura Peterson to enter this space. She’s very good at talking about boundaries. She’s very good at expressing her feelings. She actually comes from a different universe than The Morning Show’s universe. I would just really like to talk to her about that and also her apartment. I really have a lot of questions.
Drew: Yeah. I think that my answer is Emma from Vida.
Christina: Ooh. Good one.
Drew: I’m trying to think what we would talk about. Is it because I mostly just want to have the excuse at the end of the episode to ask her if we were on a date and really lay on the flirting?
Christina: And that did factor into my Laura Peterson decision as well, of course.
Drew: Of course. But I also think that she is also someone who has a lot of boundaries in ways that — and then not doesn’t have boundaries — and I just think that she’s an interesting person where I would love to know like, post-one-night-stand etiquette. I think that’d be fun, because I think she’s someone who would be very good at being like, you cannot sleep over or here is your coffee, now go.
Christina: Having those little one liners to get people out of the door is really an important factor in a one night stand.
Drew: Yeah. Thank you for that question.
Christina: A banger question.
Drew: Very fun. I’m going to continue to daydream about that for a while. Let’s see. Okay. This next question is: from Annie.
Annie: Hey, girl, hey. First of all, I wanted to say that I love the podcast so much. I like how you both are so relatable all the damn time. But that’s not my question. My question is, how do you get back into dating? And how do you feel good about it, after a long relationship has ended? The last time I was single, I considered myself an 18-year-old Mormon boy, and now I’m a mom of three in her thirties and it’s so different. Help.
Drew: So I don’t have as extreme of a gap from 18-year-old Mormon boy, to mom in her thirties. But, when I started dating again in 2019, I was getting out of a three and a half year relationship where, when I got into it, I was a 21-year-old boy who wasn’t sure about his religion. And so I very much am like, look, there were so many challenges in my brain when I was first getting out into dating again, and so I’m sure those are heightened for you. I think the thing that I could say is that it’s really fun. Like, okay. So not to make this an episode where I just gush about having a girlfriend who I’m in love with, but I was talking to my dad of all people, about—
Christina: Bringing dads into this space.
Drew: I know — about being happy and my dad was like, “Oh, well, do you think it’s because this is the first relationship that you’ve gotten into as yourself?
Christina: First of all, dad! That’s so sweet!
Drew: Very sweet, I know, very sweet dad comments.
Christina: Go off, King.
Drew: And I was like — very funny for you to call my dad king — but I was like, oh, that’s really interesting. And I think it’s both true in relationships where you’re in love and building a partnership, and also with one night stands and casual dates and whatever that, like, as hard as it is to get back out there. And especially like it’s a totally new world to be dating as a woman dating as a queer person. Those are all so new. Dating as someone who’s an adult instead of a teenager. Those are all such different things. And I guess I just would say: Know that not only will you have meaningful, beautiful experiences, but you’re also going to have just a lot of fun, and a lot of fun with other people. A lot of fun just with yourself and just feeling what it’s like to date. I mean, you know, my dad was being very much like, cis straight dad language, I don’t necessarily like language of like, “You’re yourself now.” That’s a little bit, like, whatever. But there is something to that, right? I think even just getting older, even putting transness aside, it’s so fun to meet people on a level where you’ve done so much work on yourself to be the person you are.
Christina: Yeah, that’s what I was going to say.
Drew: Yeah. Take it away.
Christina: Absolutely. I mean, well, the first thing I was going to say was literally the complete opposite of Drew’s, which was: Accept that it’s going to be hard, and that’s also fine. Because it will be, right? It’s going to be a bit of a challenge, and it’s going to feel weird, and you’re not going to nail it every time. And that’s part of being a person. And that is something that, when I am in my fits and spurts of dating, is like, I just have to let myself be like, look, you’re not going to enjoy every second of it. And that’s also life and that’s okay. And it does get easier, which is the other part of dating, which is like anything else, it is practice, you have to practice it to be better at it. And once you get past those like initial challenges and stumbles, like, yeah, then you’re going to go out and have dates and meet fun people and learn new things about yourself. And that’s really fun. You can have both the fun and the hard thing.
Drew: Absolutely. Definitely be easy on yourself, as you’re getting back out there. And, you know, I look back on the last few years as such a learning experience for me and, it’s sort of wild that a lot of that was happening — I mean, not in public in the way that like, you know, someone like Elliott Page — but Elliott Page isn’t writing a bunch of personal essays about their sex life. So it is interesting. I sometimes will go back and read essays I wrote, I don’t know, two years ago. And I’m like, this is a different person.
Drew: And, but also like, I feel really, I feel a lot of love towards that person. That first year of dating again Drew was like, oh boy, like definitely made some mistakes. There definitely were some very rough times. And there were also some really fun times. And with each passing month, each passing year, it’s gotten better and better. So, I think that’s a really good point, Christina, because it might be hard and that is okay. But just remember that it’s also going to be really great and I’m honestly just really excited for you!
Christina: Those are the two polarities of our pod, me being like, “It will be a challenge, but you will come out of the fires forged and renewed!” And Drew’s like, “You’re going to have so much fun!”
Drew: Isn’t fire fun?! Isn’t being forged in the fire just a real hoot?! Yeah.
Christina: It’s Sag season, for the listeners who need to know that.
Drew: I love Sag season. It’s my favorite time of year. Okay. This next question is from Nick, and it is — there’s no voice memo, so I’m just gonna read it. “Hey guys! Love the pod. Question for ya. You know that thing — Drew, you’ve talked about it — that queer women do where the first date is this long, 8-to-10-hour whirlwind of getting to know each other and intense, passionate feelings. What happens when you’ve gotten used to that as a roadmap for lesbian dating, and then down the line, you meet people and don’t have that experience? You maybe like them just fine, or you don’t quite know yet, or you have a drink or two and then need to go home and think about whether you want to keep seeing them? How do you stop from convincing yourself that the person is not right for you, because it’s supposed to feel passionate and intense from the jump. I’m struggling with getting past the first three days or so with people who are perfectly lovely, but who don’t make me feel intense and crazy? I have a feeling this is unhealthy, but I can’t put my finger on it. Any thoughts are appreciated.”
Christina: I really love this question. I think this is such a good part of dating that we romanticize and don’t think about necessarily like, well, what’s on the other side of that? Like what happens when you don’t have that, you know, 48 hour, you know, together from the first second you saw each other until a week later and all your friends are like, “Are you dead though? Where are you?” And I don’t know, for me, I think having, not necessarily like a, “Oh, I don’t know about this person,” but having, for me, it is more like, I want to feel comfortable with the person that I’m dating. So like, kind of, regardless of whether I feel very intensely passionate about them, which let’s be honest, I don’t tend to feel that way about many people aside from myself. Um, so feeling like I can be the person that I am with somebody new, that is the thing that makes me feel like, “Oh, there’s really something here. And it’s not necessarily for me about that intense, passionate feeling. Because whenever I feel that feeling, I’m like, something’s wrong, this can’t last. This is going to burn out. And then what’s it going to look like? That feeling stresses me out more than makes me feel like, oh, this is really exciting and new.
Drew: Yeah. I have two pieces of advice. The first one is general and it’s good advice. And the second one is very specific and it’s very bad advice. So starting with the good advice—
Drew: —is that I think the best way of dealing with this is by setting your own boundaries personally. So you don’t spend 8 to 10 hours with someone on a first date. So let’s say you go on a date, you get coffee. It’s like two hours. It’s perfectly pleasant. You think they’re cute, but you don’t feel, whatever, this crazy buzzy feeling, which I would like to agree with Christina. That usually is not a great sign. It can be, but it can also be a problem. So, I think you don’t see that person again that week. Maybe you wait another week to see them. You stretch it out longer to allow the relationship that’s forming to sort of take the time it needs. You sort of just don’t attach outcomes to it. And you’re just like, oh, I had a nice coffee with someone that lasted a couple hours and now it’s gonna, who knows. And you know, if they want to see you again and you want to see them again, go for it. But I think that’s something that I had to work on and learn to do, where I’d be like, “I want to know! Is this person the person who I want to start dating? Do I want to have sex with this person? Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.” And it’s like, I don’t know, maybe not. Do you want to see this person again? Yes? Cool. Do you want to see this person again today? No. You just talked to them for two hours and that was enough? Like, okay. Do you want to see them again in three weeks? You can do that. You can like, I mean, as long as they want to also take it that slow, you can sort of set those boundaries where you do. And then the very specific advice that is maybe not very healthy.
Christina: I’m excited for this one.
Drew: I mean, I think that I tricked myself into getting into a relationship, and it’s because my girlfriend lives in another country — I know, stereotypical, blah, blah, blah. But there was a year of us flirting on Instagram, I don’t know, once a month in the beginning? Very casual, I mean, I talked about this during the season of having people who are just around on Instagram to flirt with because it’s fun. She was one of those people for me, because it was like, it’s a pandemic and you live in another country, this isn’t going to be real. And so, you know, when we first followed each other, it’s not like I was like, “Oh my God. I have an Instagram mutual who’s the love of my life.” I just was like, oh, this is a hot person who lives far away, so the stakes are low. Cool. And then it gradually got deeper and deeper. And then we started FaceTiming like a year into that flirting and then like, so it’s interesting to think about my current relationship in the context of being like, “Oh it actually went really slow. And actually the feelings developed really slowly. I just didn’t know that’s what was happening. So I tricked myself into being open to it being anything, which actually circles back to the general good advice, which is like, just don’t be attached to what something’s going to be. You don’t need to date someone who lives in another country and flirt with them on Instagram for a year during a pandemic, but the pandemic’s not ending, you probably have another year. So, um, you could!
Christina: Dark, but true. I’m also fascinated that you characterize that as bad advice, because that feels like the same thing. It’s just a very specific-to-you scenario, but it is the same, but you’re encouraging a slowdown, taking your time, not putting all of your efforts and energies into one person from jump.
Drew: Yeah. I guess I’m just saying, there are challenges to a long distance relationship and you don’t need to fulfill the cliche of dating someone who lives in another country — though lots of hot people live in other countries.
Christina: Huge, if true.
Drew: You know? Okay. Let’s see this next one. Okay. This next one from Rachel also does not have a voice memo, so I’m going to read it.
Drew: Or do you want to read it, Christina?
Christina: I’m happy to read it if you want me to read it.
Drew: Go for it.
Christina: “I’ve always heard about scissoring slash trimming in the mainstream. Then I learned from the lesbian internet that scissoring was not a real thing. So that was my assumption for years. I tried it with a couple of girlfriends and it was never really enjoyable. I’m in a new relationship now and it’s all we do, and it’s amazing! What are your thoughts on scissoring/trimming personally? What are your thoughts on how it’s represented in straight culture and its reputation in lesbian culture? Keep up the great work. Best regards, Rachel.” Oh, the question of scissoring that comes down from the mountains, you know, it’s such a… I don’t know. I feel like if it works, it works, you know? It is not possibly my favorite sexual activity. It is something I have done to mixed and better results. But like, if you are in a relationship and you guys are doing it all the time and you’re loving it, go the hell off.
Drew: Yeah. I sorta just think in general, one of the best things about lesbian sex, queer sex, et cetera, is that like, it can be anything. And I get the frustration with media representations of being like, “Oh, what they’re doing in Blue Is the Warmest Color isn’t even like, you know, isn’t even good, blah, blah, blah.” And it’s like, sure. I also have had friends be like, “I feel really guilty because the sex scenes in Blue Is the Warmest Color is exactly how I was having lesbian sex as a teenager, and it was really hot and good.” And I’m like, honestly, good for you that you were having lesbian sex as a teenager.
Christina: Yeah, brag.
Drew: And so like, I don’t know. I mean, as someone who doesn’t have a vagina, my experiences of, like, what scissoring is to me, like, I don’t know, I love grinding. I love a good make out where you’re rubbing up against each other. I don’t know if I’m in the exact position that could qualify as scissoring. I’m sure Cosmo has another name for whatever I’m doing. Well, I’m sure Cosmo doesn’t have a name for specifically what I’m doing, but I’m sure it was a name for whatever position my body is with another person. But I just am like, I don’t know, if it’s… yeah. If it feels, if it to quote Julia Nunes, “if it feels good, do it,” you know what I mean?
Christina: Yeah, that is kind of my motto for kind of all sex. You like what you’re doing, and the person you’re doing it with also likes what you’re doing, simply go off.
Drew: Yeah. I also feel like the more that queer sex is shown on screen from queer filmmakers, which I should say in a mainstream setting, because Barbara Hammer was shooting… like, sex… like, you know, decades ago and it’s great. And you should watch it. But the more I think that hopefully we’ll get away from this idea that things have to be certain ways. I mean I was talking, I think I was talking to Riese about this, that when strap ons appeared — the one time there was a strap on on the original L Word, there were people who had problems with it. And it’s so interesting as someone who came of lesbian age later, that like everyone I know uses it — or not uses strap ons, because some people don’t like it, but it’s like, there’s no stigma attached to wanting—
Christina: Yeah, it’s a very culturally accepted experience. I do think something that’s interesting about specifically scissoring is that it’s like a flagging. It’s more, I feel like the concept of scissoring and the imagery of scissoring, like specifically two scissors, is more just to flag gayness than it is actually talked about the actual sex acts itself, which is just a fascinating way that we use language and culture and imagery to be the people we are in the world.
Drew: Absolutely. Get your scissoring merch at autostraddle.com. I’ll put links to all of the scissoring merchandise that Autostraddle sells. Get it in time for the holidays! This ad is impromptu.
Christina: But beautiful.
Drew: Thanks. Okay. This next voicemail, I think, is submitted anonymously. And if you wanted a shout out and we didn’t give you a shout out, because — just know, well, just know that it is coming from a place of, we don’t want to accidentally out anyone. So, we love you very much, and just know that we read your name and we love you.
Christina: And you’re going to hear your voice. So know that it’s you.
Anonymous Asker: I have a crush, okay, crush on a close friend. And if I’m being honest, I’m probably not going to do anything about it. I just don’t know how to move on, because we talk a lot and we like… we around each other a lot. How do you move on from that?
Christina: Yeah, who hasn’t been there?
Drew: I mean, there’s the good advice, which is like, maybe you need some distance from your friend, but I understand that sometimes that’s not a thing.
Christina: Yeah. Um, but I think it is, it can be a thing you just have to figure out the way to make it a thing for you.
Christina: I mean, it really is the only thing that helps, right? Like how are you going to get over a crush on someone that you hang out with and talk to all the time?
Drew: I will say that I think sometimes you can create distance without it being — this is, wow, the opposite of my usual direct communication recommendation, which is that if you are like — for whatever reason, you’re not going to tell this friend, I would also say like, why not? Is it coming from a place of fear or is it coming from a place of like, oh, this person is in a very happy, monogamous relationship, but I’m not trying to be a messy L Word character? Depending on what the circumstances are, because probably pulling away is the best move. If it’s like, “I don’t want to ruin this friendship,” I have found, as evidenced by this podcast, that sometimes being direct about your feelings and working through them, you can get to friendship that moves beyond that way quicker than if you just kept it inside. So that’s one thought, but if you truly aren’t ever going to say anything and you don’t want to say anything, I think you can — let’s say you talk to this person every day. You can stop talking to this person every day. Right? You don’t have to be like, you don’t have to have a formal friend breakup or disappear or whatever. You can just take some distance, be like, oh, “maybe this person isn’t always my plus one when I” — I mean, are we going to events again? But like, you know, isn’t always your go-to person to call at the end of the night or whatever. You can start to just pull away a little bit and create some more ideas of what you want that friendship to be. And that’s also, I think, a really important thing is being honest with yourself. Do you want this person to be your friend? Or are you just so in love with them that you’re like, “well, I at least want to be around them. I at least want them to be my friend,” you know, because the difference between unrequited love and friendship are very different and it doesn’t mean that one can’t lead to the other or they can’t happen at the same time or whatever. But I think it is important to think about what friendship is to you? And do you want a friendship with this person? And what kind of friendship do you want with this person? And then just taking the steps to make that happen.
Christina: Yeah, I would say basically the same thing. I mean, I’ve definitely been in scenarios in which it was the better choice to have clear communication and to say, “I actually need to step back from this for whatever period of time, because of my feelings.” And then I’ve also done like the, you know, I actually don’t have to text this person about this thing at this moment. That can wait, or I don’t need to do it right now, or I don’t need to do it tomorrow even. I think both can be helpful, and I agree with Drew, I find that being honest and communicating that is usually the best way, but I think that does also involve you taking the time to be honest with yourself about what you want out of this friendship and why you’re fine having these feelings and not doing anything about it and what you maybe are trying to avoid in doing that and what you’re trying to, you know, let yourself just be like, oh, I’m just going to hang out in this kind of in-between space where I have these feelings, but I don’t want to do anything about them. Like, why don’t you want to do anything about that? Maybe take some time to interrogate yourself on that. And whatever answer, you know, you find within yourself, then you can decide how you want to move on. But I do think creating some space, whether it be very communicated and intentional, or just kind of pulling back a little bit will be helpful for you.
Drew: Yeah. Absolutely. This next one is another one where I’m not going to say who it’s from, but, this is actually maybe my favorite one because it is nine seconds long and is just, well, I’ll let it speak for itself.
Anonymous Asker: Hey there. So I’m a pretty shy and reserved person sexually, but I am ready for a ho phase. Where do I start?
Christina: I think that is what art is. I think, welcome to Sag season. I think, go the hell off. I also think, I actually don’t know where you start. I mean, I guess you just start dating, right? Like you start by dating?
Drew: I don’t know. I mean, I’ve had a very complicated relationship with my own sluttiness my entire life where I’ve always wanted to be sluttier than I actually am. And I think it’s also funny sometimes when I — I mean, I think if you listen to this podcast, you’ve had the whole scope of where I fall along all sorts of things. But sometimes, based on just individual essays or certain Twitter presences or something, people will think that I’m way more, I don’t know, slutty than I am, where I’m like, I am, but I just like, I’m slutty in my own way. And I think for me… yeah, you just start dating and you also think about what that means to you. Are you just trying to rack up numbers and experiences? Are you trying to try out new things? I mean, I’ve never been someone who’s going to sex parties, it’s just never been my thing. It’s some people’s thing.
Christina: Maybe it’s your thing!
Drew: Yeah, some people who are shy and reserved sexually, that’s where they blossom. That’s not where I have, but if you feel like you want to do that, I very much support that. I also think that it helps to be specific about what you want if you’re on a dating app or whatever that, you know, you can put in your — I mean, some people are very, like, in their bio, like, “I just want someone to sit on my face,” or whatever.
Christina: Down to fuck.
Drew: And you don’t have to, if that’s not your personality, you don’t need to have that, but you can just be like, “looking for something casual,” is even like, enough to whatever. And then when you start talking in the dating app or whatever, you can lead with your sexuality, your flirtatiousness can be, instead of getting to know each other questions, it can be more of a thing of being like, “so what are you into?” You know, just sort of casual, whatever, and you also can be honest with people about sort of like where you’re at.
Christina: Yes, that was going to be my big suggestion to be like, whatever you do, as long as when you are dating people that you are pretty clear about wanting to not be in a serious relationship, wanting to keep it casual, you are probably going to be dating and seeing other people, like, just being clear with your communication around what your expectations are for the relationship and letting the person that you are with or talking to decide if they want to enter into that space with you.
Drew: Yeah. And if you’re someone who — I don’t know if you’re coming to this from a place of life, always sort of being in monogamous relationships and you want to be single for awhile, or if you were often just not hooking up with anyone and now are like, I want to get out there and have a lot of sex. If it’s the first one, I think it’s also being aware of the connections you’re making. There are people who, when I was first single after my last relationship where I was like, I don’t… I just sort of stopped myself from going much further with them, because I was like, I feel like this is something more than a hookup. And some of those people are actually my close friends now, and we never hooked up. But it’s just something to be aware of that you can have whatever types of relationships, types of experiences you want to have as long as you’re deliberate about wanting to have those things and having a little bit of patience.
Christina: Yeah, I totally agree. And I think that you’re going to have a great time and I’m really excited for you.
Drew: Yeah, me too. Okay. This one also doesn’t have a voice memo, so I’m going to read it.
“Greetings. The theme of my questions is, ‘things I’ve Googled recently hoping to find that there is an Autostraddle article.’ How soon into sleeping with someone does one introduce sex toys? How can you tell if a friend or acquaintance is flirting with you? If your advice is to just ask, how do you ask them? Should I get my friends with benefits latex free dental dams for her graduation? Or is that too much? Listening to you both is such a joy. Thanks for providing the lovely podcast.”
Drew: Should we take these one by one?
Christina: Yeah. How soon into sleeping with someone do you introduce a sex toy? I feel like when you want to use a sex toy, is my answer for that. Obviously we have conversations around sex and consent is cool. Don’t surprise someone with a sex toy in the middle of sex, but like, I don’t know. Whenever you want to use one, you throw it out.
Drew: It can be the first time.
Christina: I truly have never really considered when to add in a sex toy in sex. It’s never been part of the processing, I guess, for me in having sex. It’s just a thing that comes up sometimes.
Drew: I think there’ve been periods in my life where I was more hesitant to bring out sex toys the first time I hooked up with people, just because it felt like, I don’t know, it somehow felt more personal to reveal what I own, what I’m into. But I think I’ve gotten over that a little bit. I honestly am like, you can have good sex the first time you have sex with someone. But also, I think what you said was right, like, whenever you want to, so if the first time you have sex with someone you wanted to not have sex toys and you have other boundaries of what you want that experience to be like, that’s fine. But also you totally, the first time you have sex with someone can be like, “Hey, I’m into using this. Are you into using this?” Just as long as you talk about it.
Christina: Yeah. I think part of having sex with people is talking about what you’re into and if you’re into using sex toys when you have sex, that absolutely should be part of the convo, and then let it flow joyously from there. That sounded disgusting, but I’m sorry.
Drew: Let it flow, baby. How can you tell if a friend or acquaintance is flirting with you? If your advice is to just ask, how do you ask them?
Christina: Famously I can’t, so it’s kind of my brand.
Drew: I mean, everyone has different flirting styles, so the only way to know is to ask. I mean, we have like cultural signifiers where things are flirtier, but there are people who will literally ask you personal sex questions, and they’re like, “I’m just a friend. This is just who I am. I’m just a Gemini.” You know, whatever. And that’s great for them, but there’s no catch-all way. So yeah, you do have to ask. And how?
Christina: I feel like the how depends on what you want to do about it?
Christina: Because if it’s a friend or acquaintance who is flirting with you that you have been flirting with, and are interested in, then you can kind of lead with a, “Hey, I think you’re really cool, hot, cute, whatever. I would like to grab a drink, get a coffee. Are you into that?” But if it’s a person who you’re not — well, I don’t know why you would ask a person that you’re not interested in if they’re flirting with you.
Drew: You should just let that be. Just let them deal with that in their own… You can send a seven minute voice memo that starts with like, “I’m just going to say my piece.”
Christina: And you should always be just saying your piece. It’s very dramatic and very fun.
Drew: I don’t, I still don’t know if it’s — is it P-E-A-C-E, or P-I-E-C-E?
Christina: I think it’s P-I-E-C-E, because it’s like your piece of—
Drew: Information. Like “I’m just going to say my peace.”
Christina: I’m just going to say my vibe.
Drew: I’m so glad I could learn that. I’ve actually been wondering that for about a year. Great. And then the last one is, is getting your friends with benefits latex free dental dams for graduation too much? Only you know your relationship with this friends with benefits. I think potentially no, if friends with benefits, you’re already having sex?
Christina: Right? I mean, I was just like, ooh, I have never in my life used a dental dam, so, God bless. I just was like, yeah, if you’re already having sex, I feel like go off.
Drew: Yeah. I never have either. But Ro wrote this really great piece for us recently about dental dams that was really informative and really changed my mind on a lot of things. But yeah, if that’s the sort of relationship you have, I don’t think it’s inherently too much, no. Thanks for all the questions! Okay, so this next one is from Saida.
Saida: Hey, besties, longtime listener here. I’m really curious what your thoughts are on lesbian cruising. Does it exist? Are there lesbians that cruise? Do you have any relevant experience you wanted to share? Let me know.
Christina: Well, I love this.
Drew: I love this too. So one of my best friends — Daniel, hi, how are you doing? — is a gay man and the stories that he tells of just being like, “Yeah, I was getting work done at a coffee shop and I made eye contact with someone and then we were fucking in the bathroom,” and I’m just like, what?! That’s crazy. How? What? So, is there a lesbian version of that? I mean, I hope somewhere in the world, I’ve never experienced that.
Christina: My gut says that there has to be, right? There has to be some sort of utopian zone where this happens in the world. I just refuse to believe that the world is as big as it is, and it happens to nowhere. That just seems like a bummer. But I do think, my gut says that it’s also probably more something that occurs in a formalized sex setting, like a sex party environment, or some sort of party that is not maybe explicitly a sex party, but everybody’s kind of got a vibe. I do know a few people who are always flagging out in the world, and I do feel like that is adjacent? But no, I’ve never in my life experienced, made eye contact with somebody and then two seconds later we’re fucking, and we don’t speak again. And that’s just over. I find that mind boggling. I find it inspirational, but I just can’t see it happening.
Drew: I also wonder if it would happen more in spaces where everyone — not everyone is queer — but you know, is it happening in a major city where there’s a major queer culture versus happening in places where queerness has to be a little bit more underground? I’d be curious where that would happen more, because I don’t know. It was interesting this summer, being in Covington, Kentucky, and the energy — I mean, I certainly did not make eye contact with someone and hook up — but it’s just being like, oh, there’s this bar that isn’t a lesbian bar, but people know about it and like going there and meeting people and we talked and had conversations first, so I wonder if that’s somewhere where that could manifest. I don’t have any personal experience to talk about this with confidence, but I do find it interesting, and if anyone else has these experiences, congratulations.
Christina: Also, where are you? Email us and tell us where you’re located. We’ll take a Wait, Is This a Date tour.
Drew: I think I’m always just so interested because, as we’ve evidenced on this podcast, I am more of the route of like: “Hi, so, I have feelings for you,” or, “I think you’re hot, and maybe we should hook up?” But very direct and awkward. I’m fascinated by the smoldering-eye-contact-to-fucking pipeline that I don’t know how that happens. That is such an interesting thing to me. I’ve never — I even struggle with that at dance parties, where people are like, oh, you’re dancing at a club. And then you make out with the person you’re dancing with. I’m like, but how? When? That’s not a thing that’s happened to me. Even when I’ve had hookups, like random hookups at bars or clubs or whatever, there’s definitely a period of time where we’re in line at the bathroom and are having a long chat. Maybe I’m a very verbal person? I don’t know, but I’m very interested in—
Christina: Maybe?! You said MAYBE I’m a very verbal person? Calm down. Calm down, Drew. No, I mean, I definitely have done the weird, you know, out dancing at a club and then we’re making out. That one feels pretty easy because dancing is pretty sexual. It just feels so—
Drew: Do you kiss them? Or they kiss — I mean, you’re very bottomy, so is it—
Christina: Thank you. I’ve done both.
Drew: So you’re dancing, you’re grinding. Interesting. And you just — this is where I don’t, I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s leftover shame stuff, but the idea of like — even someone is fully, like their crotch is in my crotch or in my butt, or my butt’s in their crotch. There’s definitely a sexier way to describe that. But like, even in that circumstance, the idea of then leaning over and starting to make out with them or leaning back and starting to make out with them, it feels so terrifying to me.
Christina: Yeah. I mean, in retrospect it feels like a wild thing that I’m like, I can’t believe I’ve done that. Like, what is, what, who was she? What a young spirit. But yeah, no, it didn’t. I mean, if it felt awkward in the moment, I suppose I wouldn’t have done it. So I guess I was feeling foot loose and fancy free.
Drew: Wow. I love that.
Christina: I said like a 95-year-old woman.
Drew: “Back in the thirties when I was doing this.” Okay, so this last question we got is a two-parter.
Christina: Do you want to read the first part and then I’ll read the second part?
“Dearest Christina and Drew, how do I start dating again after what feels like an eternity of avoiding it? I haven’t dated for three years and haven’t intentionally sought out dates in — well, I’m not even certain I’ve ever intentionally sought out dates before. I came out as a trans woman two years ago and made the conscious decision at that point to stop myself from passively and accidentally falling into relationships like I had been doing on and off since high school and through college. With the new and exciting feelings of all this gender business, I’ve been thinking that I might try to start dating again in the next few months, and I want to be intentional about it, but I’m really not sure where to start. Outside of work, I barely know anyone in the city I moved to just before the Panorama started. Do I just fire up one of the old dating apps? Do people just go to bars or whatever by themselves to try to meet people? I flirt with people on Twitter sometimes. Is that anything? Please send me your wisdom! From a lovelorned lesbian in Columbus.”
Drew: And then we got a follow up email:
“Hi again, dearest Christina and Drew! I guess there are additional details to my question. Apparently Twitter is a dating app because a trans mutual on Twitter and I figured out we coincidentally live in the same town and she randomly asked me out after I sent this email???” Three question marks. “So I guess I’m officially dating again???” Three question marks. “We had a real Wait, Is This a Date? night where we watched punk lesbian anime and made out, but now she invited me over for dinner for a real date, TM, and I am 99% sure we’re going to fuck. My question now is when do I jump into the protection and sexual history question? We’ve been sexting, so do I toss it in there? Or do I wait until the moment where I’m at her place, and we’re about to fuck to ask if she sleeps around and if so regularly STI tests? Please help!”
Drew: I would like you to say that this one is signed off as—
Christina: “Love, an apparently T-for-T lesbian now. Incredible work.
Drew: Amazing. I’m so happy to hear this. Yes. Twitter is obviously a dating app. As far as the protection and STI testing stuff. That’s a personal thing for you, right? Like you can fully, ahead of time, ask for them to get tested before you have sex, or if you’re making out again, be like, “I want to get tested first.” And you can obviously ask for slash use whatever protection that you want during, and, you know, have that conversation with this person. I mean, for me personally, I take sort of a personal responsibility approach in the sense that I protect myself the way that I feel good about. And then there are things that I will do and not do with certain partners who I trust or don’t trust. To me, I’m not someone who would ever ask for an STI test, or ask someone’s sexual history in that way. That just, for me, doesn’t feel right. And I just would rather, if you know, I’m having an ongoing relationship with someone and want to do certain things, I just, it’s going to depend on a level of trust with that person.And then if they had something that they would tell me, they would tell me, or sometimes it’s something that they don’t need to tell me because they’re dealing with it and whatever. So I don’t know. I think my relationship to STIs in general is sort of one of letting it be on my partners to disclose. And I just go into every sexual encounter I have knowing the risks and then making choices about what acts to do and what not to do. But that’s a personal thing. That’s a personal thing for me.
Christina: Yeah, I think I’m pretty similar. If I’m having sex with a person, I will use the protection that I feel in that moment is the protection that works for me in that situation. But I’ve never had like a sit-down conversation about your sexual history and your other partners, that doesn’t necessarily seem like my business and not something that I would expect a partner to tell me all of their sexual partners. If we were having sex that was maybe less safe than I would incur, I would want to have that conversation, but I would be like, I’m going to protect myself very similar to Drew, I will be using the protection that I feel like we need in this moment. And then whatever you feel like disclosing past that is kind of your business. But I do think if this is a conversation that you like having with your sexual partners, you are in the space to do so. You’ve made out, you’re sexting. You’re going over for dinner. Now is the time I probably would do that conversation in person, perhaps at said dinner. But yeah, I think this is the space. This is the space to have that conversation.
Drew: Yeah, and it that means you don’t do certain things sexually the next time — like when you go to this real date, like, it sounds like this is going to be an ongoing thing. And it sounds really exciting. So the second real date to do certain sexual things that you both want to do together, that seems fine. But you can’t ask ahead of time if you want to, but yeah, it’s, I think this is sort of a personal thing, but you’re definitely in the space now, where you totally could.
Christina: You’re in a fun zone. You’re in the, we made out, we’re sexting. I’m going for dinner. This is the fun part. How fun!
Drew: I know, I’m so excited. I love it.
Christina: Have a damn ball.
Drew: I love the dates, like the first one was sent on November 8th and the second on November 17th. Incredible.
Christina: I think that’s beautiful.
Drew: An inspiring story for everyone else at home. Wow. Well, thank you all so much for these questions. We’re going to finish up with a little crush corner. Christina, do you have someone or should I go first?
Christina: You should go first.
Drew: Well, I have three crushes this week.
Drew: That all worked on the same movie because it comes out this week. The movie is called The Novice. It is written and directed by Lauren Hadaway, and stars Isabelle Fuhrman and as her love interest, Dilone. And all three of them are hot and the movie is incredible and you should really, really go see this movie because all three of them are hot. And also because it’s an incredible movie and I don’t know why you would need more reasons than that.
Christina: That’s incredible. That’s beautiful stuff. I have realized, of course we are in the tail end of everyone’s favorite Sunday night HBO program, except for Drew, famously, Succession. And my crush, of course, is J. Smith-Cameron. She’s the lock screen of my iPad. I think Gerri’s really inspirational. I think, much like everybody else on Succession, she is the living worst, but she’s good at what she does. And I think that’s really beautiful, because I think if you’re going to be a terrible person, do it well. I don’t want to watch you be a terrible person badly. Commit to the bit or don’t. And I think that Gerri’s very good at being like, “yeah, no, I’m not going to get played because I’m fucking general counsel.” And I think it’s really inspirational and I hope she’s having a great time. I hope she’s having a great life being married to Kenneth Lonergan. I think they’re in Rome right now. They seem to be having a nice time. Go off, J.
Drew: I would like to clarify that I’ve never seen Succession, and that’s why it’s not my obsession. It could be great. I just haven’t seen it. I do love J. Smith-Cameron though, because I am a stand of Margaret and that is a great movie and she’s great in it.
Christina: She’s great.
Drew: So I support you in this crush.
Christina: Thank you so much. Well, that wraps up our mailbag, I guess. Thank you all for sending us such incredible voice memos and emails, and again, the ones that we didn’t talk about are mostly because we want to really dedicate a full episode with people who know more than we do. We know a lot, but we don’t know everything. So we’re making space for expertise in this moment. And I think that’s really important.
Drew: Slash, the ones that were just really nice and really nice to listen to. And you know, I love, I love a little bit of praise and a little bit of connecting with other queers across this internet space. It’s good times. And you know, we’re starting to have some conversations about the future, so this is not the last that you’ve heard, that you’ll hear from us — are those the words I’m trying to say here?
Christina: There it is.
Drew: And we’re really excited. So, have a great rest of your year, happy holidays, whatever that means to you and happy new year, whatever that means to you.
Christina: What else could “happy new year” mean, really?
Drew: I mean, sometimes New Year’s Eve is a rough night, you know?
Christina: It’s never been one of my favorite holidays. It does just always mean there’s gonna be a new year. There’s kind of no getting around it.
Drew: By this calendar, sure, but sometimes you maybe want to pretend like it’s not going to be a new, you know, or you want to just immediately be like, we’re already in 2022. I don’t want to reflect at all. And that’s your right.
Christina: That is. That’s very true.
Drew: So, see you in 2022!
Drew: Thank you so much for listening to Wait, Is This a Date? You can find us on Twitter and Instagram @waitisthisadate and you can also email us at email@example.com.
Christina: Our theme is written by Lauren Klein. Our logo is by Maanya Dhar. And this podcast was edited, produced and mixed by Lauren Klein. You can find me online @C_GraceT on twitter.com, the website. And you can find me on Instagram @christina_gracet.
Drew: And you can find me on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok @draw_gregory. And you can find Autostraddle on all social medias @autostraddle.
Christina: And go visit autostraddle.com because that’s the reason we’re all here today.
Drew, in a voice memo: Being in love is so embarrassing. I’m, like, excited for my girlfriend to meet my parents. Like actually excited. Gross