Two and a Half Men is Even Worse Than I Expected it to Be – Recap Episode 818: “Look at my Penis RAWR”

“whose the man??? Two and half men are!!!!”
– “Anonymous,” CBS.com

You’ll have better luck explaining who killed Jenny than finding anything compelling or meaningful to say about CBS’s hit sitcom Two and a Half Men. The desperate-for-complexity could settle on a “big picture” impetus like the following, culled from the world’s only theoretical Two and a Half Men analysis: “[Two and a Half Men] asks viewers to draw distinctions within the social class that historically has embodied the group recognized as the dominant class in American culture.”

In other words, Two and a Half Men is about straight white men, just like almost everything else, ever!

Listen up, ladies & dudes & gender-free humans: I’ve watched this shit so you don’t have to. I want to ‘understand’ the ‘country I live in.’ See … who the hell watches Two and a Half Men? According to the ratings; just about everyone. But according to our own personal anecdotal evidence — not me, not you, not anyone we know. Yet Two and a Half Men has received 20 Primetime Emmy nominations, two Golden Globe nominations, and has consistently ranked in the Top 20 most viewed series on television.

Recurring actors include L Word guest stars Jane Lynch, Melanie Lynskey and Holland Taylor and Camryn Manheim. Notable guest stars include Megan Fox, Jenna Elfman, Alison Janey, Chris O’Donnell, Denise Richards, Martin Sheen and James Earl Jones. YEAH! I bet it pays well. Robin Hooding it is the solution.

But it’s not even smart or funny, like other white-male-angst-focused shows also critiqued for misogyny, like Beavis & Butthead. You guys! Charlie Sheen wears silk shirts, like hello 1996 called from a payphone at the mall to let you know Merry-Go-Round is having a going out of business sale srsly even the racks.

I expected insidious jocular male chauvinism parlayed as quirky parenting, heteronormativity relentless enough to completely alienate a queer viewer, akin to forcing an Adam Sandler addict to watch the meandering talky indie lesbian flick Go Fish. OH MY GOD IT WAS SO MUCH WORSE THAN THAT. I was totally grossed out! I think this episode of Two and a Half Men was specifically crafted to irritate me.

This is how I feel about the success of this show no I’m sorry this is what Tank Girl has to say about the success of this show:

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Recap of Episode 818-JKLPUZO of “Two and a Half Men

Let’s begin! Immediately we meet Charlie (Charlie Sheen) and Alan (Duckie from Pretty in Pink) at the local coffee shop set, where they’re sharing some apparently hilarious banter about recently running into Mia, an ex of Charlie’s. See, Alan told Mia that Charlie was engaged. Wait, it gets better: THIS WAS THE CLIFFHANGER that last season ended on: “can Charlie withstand the incredible temptation of another woman’s tits?” I know. I just fell off the edge of my seat I was so close to it.

WHO WILL CHARLIE CHOOSE ALL CAPS

WHO WILL CHARLIE CHOOSE ALL CAPS

I say “apparently hilarious” because the show employs its laugh track with lumberjack-fucking force, squeezed like a hemorrhoid suppository between every other line of dialogue. Obvs this isn’t a live studio audience. It couldn’t possibly be; every joke is so predictable that were anyone to find any of these jokes funny, they would’ve laughed ten seconds before the belabored punchline is actually delivered by an actor on the show.

SO Anyhoo! Charlie, the hapless ladies man (like Papi, but ACTUALLY MORE ANNOYING) is engaged to Chelsea, a pleasant looking woman with the personality of a cardboard box, and apparently Alan is worried that any other tits will ruin the engagement. AND THEN WTF MIA AND HER BOOBS SHOW UP AT THE COFFEE SHOP and here we begin:

1-charlie-2.5-men

I hope Charlie can keep his dick in his pants. Why did Charlie Sheen name his character “Charlie” when that name is already associated with a few unseemly sex scandals?

Here’s how this “Alan & Charlie running into Mia” convo goes. I’ve inserted the laugh track for you.

Mia: [to Charlie] How are you?
Alan: [about Charlie] Still engaged. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Charlie: Come, sit, join us.
Mia: Are you sure I’m not interrupting?
Charlie: Oh, no, of course not. HAHAHAHAHA
Alan: Yeah, his fiance just left. HAHAHAHA
Mia: Oh, sorry I missed her!
Alan: Oh, I’m sure she’s still in the parking lot HAAHAHAA I’ll go get her HAHAHAHAA.

HAHAHAHA! Get it? Charlie just wants to ATTACK THE VADGE. Omg!

Charlie: You look great, young and vibrant, and … taut … HAHAHAHA
Alan: You know who else has a great body? Charlie’s fiancè. HAHAHAHAA In fact, Charlie’s nickname for her is “Boobilicious.” HAHAHAHA

Alan says that word (“Boobalicious”) a few more times before whipping out a few more zingers, like this one following Mia saying she’s given up dancing for singing:

Mia: I’m working on my singing career —
Alan: You know who’s a wonderful singer?
Mia: Charlie’s fiance?
HAHAHAAHAHA!!!
Alan: Actually, I was gonna say Miss Celene Dion, (HAHAHAHA) I have no idea about Chelsea, although she does have a set of lungs on her. (HAHAHAH!)

Obvs Mia wants Charlie, a commercial jingle-writer (probs did the background music for A Gathering Storm), to help her “in the recording studio.” BTW? “Ad-man” is apparently the default occupation for cinematic or televisionary cads (advertising = selling your soul = casual relationship to manipulation). Hello Brian Kinney.

Don’t worry, Charlie gets Alan back by spilling coffee on his Dockers. Unfortunately Alan’s penis survives the scalding, and in fact Alan’s salvaged penis is later referred to using Sesame Street related analogies. Really!

TINA-2.5-men

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WHOA! Guess what happens next? I forget. Probs THIS:

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Or this:

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Or this:

TLW201-432

Or maybe this?

jenny

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NOPE! Just this HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA:

2-2.5men-1

Charlie & Chelsea just had sex, put their clothes back on, and then pretended like they’d just had sex even though they have their clothes on. Charlie has to help Mia “lay down some tracks” otherwise Chelsea will think Charlie still has feelings for Mia.

Also, Pier One called and they don’t want you having sex in their bed ’cause of GOD.

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Later on, Alan, Charlie and other people are all in the kitchen talking about Alan’s penis and its reaction to water/the hot tub, where Alan was canoodling with a dubiously lusty stupid hot girl.  See, men have these goofy, self-deprecating relationships to their penises, and therefore remind you of your softest secret self! Oh, it doesn’t? You must have a brain! This show isn’t for you.

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Charlie: “Nothing more romantic than seaweed hanging from a cold shriveled penis.”
Riese: “Nothing more gross than what you just fucking said. GAWD.”

Then Alan pulls the seaweed from his shorts, HAHAHAA! He makes faces ’cause the seaweed pulls on his COCK! HAHAHAHAHA!

Sidenote: I’ve had MANY serious & relatively successful relationships with men and don’t find penises inherently disgusting like many of my Kinsey-1 friends do. I am familiar with that junk and am ok with it. Howevs, I’ve always found penis jokes inherently lame. Like, period. Mother-fucking-end-of-g*ddamn sentence. LET’S GO TO THE NEXT PAGE THIS RECAP WILL DESTROY YOUR LIFE BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD.

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There are two parts of Two and a Half Men that actually made me LOL, both involving the unsung hero of this “show,” the HALF MAN JAKE (I think he is Duckie’s son or something):

1. Jake and Bertha:

Jake: “Hey Bertha, what do you know about Percocet?”
Bertha: “I know three of ’em with a Mickey’s Big Malt can make you run buck naked through a Taco Bell.”

8

2. Jake and THE MEN:

Charlie: “Remember Mia?
Jake: “Yeah, your ex-fiance, the dancer.”
Charlie: “You remember her?”
Jake: “I’m not sitting here sketching ponies, Charlie.”

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Two and a Half Men‘s best moment couldn’t win a joke-off (do those exist? my dos equis just made that shit up) against The Office‘s worst moment. At least Full House featured girls & nice morals regarding love, honesty, family and friendship. Two & A Half Men Teaches you to treat your brother with belittling, macho, pseudo-love, and teach your children to like boobs.

There’s nothing wrong with liking boobs, but trust me children will learn that shit on their own, just ask Whitney Houston. Alan wants his lady to move in, but Charlie says no. Anyhow who cares, b/c then Alan’s girlfriend comes back and is ready to see Alan’s testicles.

Alan’s Girlfriend: What do you say we take a hot shower and unshrink the Snuffalupagus ?
Alan: He’ll be fine, it’s Bert & Ernie I’m worried about.

Picture 3

COME ON WHAT HAVE I DONE TO FORSAKE YOU GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE. This conversation thread continues, I scream and cover my ears, and then Alan looks at his penis and says, “well, there’s Ernie.”

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Charlie plays the piano. The girl is a bad singer.

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As you know, Jane Lynch can do no wrong. Two & A Half Men tested her like she’s never been tested before; and she succeeded. I smiled, and cocked my head slightly in pleasure, when she spoke.

However, unfortunately Jane Lynch, as Charlie’s wise therapist, was present for the “constipation” = “withheld feelings” issue — in fact, she theorized that Charlie’s inability to go “number two” was related to his mixed feelings about Mia. Lynch is so funny, really even here she is.

But YES. This is when the shit comes in, ladies and G’s.

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Actual line given to Jane Lynch: “As soon as you pick ‘one’, you can go ‘two.'”

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So Charlie decides, omg, he DOES have to have sex with Mia, otherwise he’ll never take a shit again!

Then, they go to the studio, and Mia is a bad singer! STILL!  Charlie’s Bro is watching this nonsense, and pulls the following line out of his plumber’s ass: “Help me understand something, you’re hoping to bang her, right?” I can’t figure out what Charlie thinks about that.

Isn’t this funny? These two dudes thinking this woman is so stupid she can’t even understand how bad her own voice sounds? Well, let’s call Mia back into the studio and have her listen to the sound of her own voice.:

Mia (listening) : That’s me?
Charlie: That’s you. HAHAHAHAH!!!
Mia: WOW!
Charlie: Yeah.
Mia: I had no idea I was so good! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Overcome with joy like a retarded desert sprite, Mia wraps her little arms around Charlie’s neck, and Thomas Edison wishes he’d never invented the electricity which enabled the invention of the television and then the invention Two and a Half Men.

Mia basically just thanked Charlie for sitting on his constipated ass while she sang nonsense. This is not feministing. I hope they have sex because her shirt hurts my eyes.

Mia swoons, “Oh Charlie, why did I ever let you go? I made a mistake, what can I do to make it up to you?”

dumb-and-dumber

Mia has a suggestion; they should rekindle their clearly endless emotional bond at “her place.” She kisses Charlie, and then she confidently strides back into the studio to record her next smash hit, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.”

As Mia gets into the proper headspace to Suck (somehow I doubt this is an unusual situation for her to be in), Charlie confidently advises her to “feel the groove,” and she nods with the vim & vigor of a stoned Bratz doll.

All I need is Betty to come out here and tell Mia to “Party on,” and this will literally be the worst televised moment of my life.

No. This is actually the worst televised moment of my life:

riese-tv-nightmare

Oh women! They’re so silly! Love is so simple! I’m a pony! I’M A SNAPDRAGON! I EAT EYEBALLS!

Mia launches into “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy,” at which point she’s sufficiently maxed out her Hot Girl Points and is now just too embarrassing for Charlie to fuck. Not that I haven’t had the same thought myself about a woman, but unlike Charlie, I’m a feminist, so I can do whatever I want, just ask Jezebel. Ashame, how even the prettiest girls ruin everything by being so goshdarn vapid!

Charlie: “You’ve got no talent, I’m sorry but we’re both wasting our time here. I love Chelsea, I’m going to marry her, and I don’t think we should see each other again.”

There’s nothing I love better than a man being applauded for not being an asshat. Howevs, his desire to not feel guilty is mostly guided by his desire to take a shit, so I don’t know. Like what to say. FOR THE WORLD.

Immediately after breaking the bad news to Mia, Charlie’s intestines kick in and he jets from the room to make it to the bathroom so that he can relieve his bowels ASAP. He refers to his digested TGI Fridays Happy Hour Special as his “baby,” who is “kicking.”

HA. HAHAHAHAHAAHA! OMG LET’S GO DROP OUR BABIES IN THE TOILET!

Oh yeah, guess who walks out of the bathroom? It’s Van Halen! So that sort of explains this show more or less.

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Then it ends. If you want to know what happens next — you can watch it again tonight. I don’t think I can

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“Emmy voters snub their noses at mass appeal,” the Associated Press headline reads, going on to complain about the exclusion of Two & A Half Men from the Emmy’s “Best Comedy” nominees. After all, against all odds (e.g., unremitting reemployment of dick jokes), the show garnered nominations for its lead actors, John Cryer and Charlie Sheen. Memo: popular shows get big paychecks, “elitist” shows get awards, excellent shows get paychecks & awards, in other words, AP lady: awards are what people get for making good shows, paychecks are what people get for making popular shows. So all ye 2.5 Men lovers, watch your show, eat your cheetos, I am glad Duckie still has a job, way to employ the gays too btw.

All ye Autostraddle fans, I have been to the other side and it was bad.

Well, you know now how I feel about bathroom humor, so you’ll have to forgive me when I say the show’s most irritating analogy functions quite well as a metaphor for the show itself.

And by that I mean …

Two and a Half Men turns all your emotional responses into lazy stupidity, and when it’s over … all you really wanna do is take a shit on it.

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2656 articles for us.

31 Comments

  1. oh man. why are you doing this again? for the social commentary? hope it’s a one-off, for your sake; please don’t waste your unsurpassed recapping abilities on this drivel! HAHAHAHAHA!!
    :(((

    • I thought it couldn’t possibly be worse than The L Word. I am never watching this shit again!

      No, but for real, I thought it would let me know like what is going on in the world. I feel like I live in a bubble. But now maybe I like my bubble, I think my bubble is a feminist

  2. I’ve sat through an episode or two of this before. it was horrible. most TV is really bad. like cougar town, I seriously regretted watching that. I really wanted it to be good, like clever and empowering, but I’m pretty sure it was actually written by men, or something.

    You should recap Dexter. That show is actually worth watching.

  3. i need you to know that this episode is one of THREE (omg why?!) episodes of 2.5 men being aired on australian tv, right this second. i know this, because my sister is watching it and finds it hilarious. i can hear the bad singing now.

  4. My friends (all het) love this show. I tried watching it once and I snapped. Are any of the woman anything more than blowup dolls? I mean the “fat”. Housekeeper is “sassy” but any female on the show is there to be a dickwarmer. :/
    Hate this show so very much.
    Reese. I love you for braving this wetspot on the TV Futon

    • From what I can tell, none of the women on the show are anything besides blow-up dolls. I don’t know how the “fat” woman is related to anyone else, but she’s the only one i could have dinner with. Besides Jane Lynch I suppose, obvs.

  5. I wish they would write an episode where Charlie Sheen + sidekick would be forced to watch L word seasons 1-6 consecutively without being allowed bathroom breaks, complete with interrogation tapes and only stale snacks.

  6. my friend’s (really weird) ex boyfriend used to watch this show and LOL like he had never seen television or heard a dick joke before.
    my favourite part was the bit about snapdragons and eyeballs!

    • maybe i just don’t understand dudes, or like all the dudes i know are emo or gay, and this is like legitimately funny in another universe that i am not a part of, which might be “the rest of the world”

  7. All I need is Betty to come out here and tell Mia to “Party on,” and this will literally be the worst televised moment of my life.

    riese, i swear to potatoes, this was the most hilarious thing i’ve ever f*cking read.

    wait seriously — the show is about penis and poop jokes and boob fetishes?? i thought it was just a situation comedy about two dudes. did he really refer to his testicles as “Bert” and “Ernie”?? riese are you kidding me??? on like, network television?!

    this article should get picked up by E! Online or something. or maybe Reader’s Digest. i want to wash my brain with gentle soap and warm water.

  8. So when you’re a queer/bisexual girl, nervously dating a boy for the first time in a while, and you tweet and link to this recap, and he DMs you to tell you that he loves it….
    That’s a bad sign, right?

        • Kinda? But judging by these comments it seems every dude in the world loves this show. I would say you need to watch him watch it and see if he thinks “boobalicious” is funny? Or just ask him how he feels about feminism. I mean, I know respectable smart women who watch Desperate Housewives, so maybe guys can enjoy it as a guilty pleasure in a way that I apparently cannot.

          I mean somehow they’ve gotten some really good actors on it …

  9. If I walk around all day making jokes about my dildo (i.e. the dyke version of charlie) does that make me a slut or a playa?

    I would have to say playa. I would be able to get all the tits and tail without the risk… playa, definitely playa
    HAHA

    honestly I like this show, you don’t even have to think while watching it… it even tells you when to laugh

  10. So I was forced against my will to watch an epi of this show 2/3 of the way through because I was sitting in a massage chair getting a pedicure and the salon owners wouldn’t change it. Who knew 2 1/2 men was such a diversity bridge and multi-cultural sensation? Just like the L word with all that wonderful diversity. Well the episode I watched did have Holland Taylor in it, and boy was it fun to watch her scare those two shitless and crunch their proverbial balls in a proverbial steel trap. Bravo Holland. The only thing better than not having to watch 2 1/2 douche bags is to not have to watch 2 1/2 douche bags and read hilar commentary on how douchey they are. I think the kid is the best actor on the show (as seems to be the norm on these asshattery sitcoms). Hot girl + shlup + above average kid and below average writing = American TV success! Lame show; Bangin Bitchin Boss Recap. Yea, I said it.

  11. I feel like there should be a point on the Kinsey scale that describes women who do not find penises repellent in general; they are only disgusted by Charlie Sheen’s.

  12. Oh Riese, You are so wise. My wonderful vet just died yet Charlie Sheen lives on. Life, as they say, is not fair!
    I use this show as a friendship barometer. If I meet a woman who likes this show, that’s it for her. Budding friendship no longer. If I meet a man who likes this show, well, ditto, of course.
    Sad to say I need more friends but it seems everyone watches this show!
    “Worst…show….ever!” as Comic Book Guy would say.

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