“To L and Back” L Word Podcast Episode 406: Luck Be a Lady

Papi’s first rule of poker is “Let Angela Robinson write and direct everything!” This week we get 11 minutes of lesbian phone tree perfection, a Stacey Merkin/Debbie McJenny showdown, some questionable rules of poker and the much-anticipated “Roll the Dice” premiere, during which everybody looked very Shane today. Will luck be a lady tonight? Will Paige make her grandmother’s meatloaf? Have you ever gone to the hospital for a cut on your face? Did Megan deserve the promotion? These questions and more will be addressed in one of our favorite eps! Are Also, Carly had a lot of coffee!

Shane (in a white t-shirt) stands between two executives (a woman on the left, a man on the right) and is staring (with her jaw dropped and her hand on her face) at the Hugo Boss AG billboard. One of the executives says, "Sexy and withholding."

Side by side visual of Alice and Bette talking to each other on the phone. Alice is wearing a purple top and is holding her cell phone to her ear. Bette is in a black blazer and talking into a headset. "She's completely terrorizing my staff."

Side-by-side visual of Helena and Alice talking on the phone. Helena is on the couch surrounded by bags of chips. Alice is standing at an outdoor coffee cart. Alice says, "We're all going to go see Shane's underwear."

Side-by-side visual of Tasha and Papi talking on the phone to each other. Tasha is wearing a black tank top and talking into her cell phone. Papi is in all black with a black hat standing in front of a white limo. "I'm sensing a love connection."

Jodi, in a black blazer, stands in Bette's office. She's smiling with her mouth closed. "You're wicked hot."

Side-by-side visual of Alice and Jenny talking on the phone. Alice is wearing a purple top and is outside talking on her cell phone. Jenny is wearing a blank tank top with a black purse on her shoulder, talking on her cell phone inside The Planet. "There's too much drama."

Side-by-side visual of Kit and Bette talking on the phone. Kit is in a blue top standing behind the counter at The Planet. Bette is wearing a black blazer and is sitting at her desk, talking into a headset and holding a small white stuffed bunny. "I can't go because I'll be dead."

Side-by-side visual of a four-way call between (starting in the upper left and moving clockwise) Alice, Bette, Shane, and Phyllis. Alice is sitting on a park bench, Bette is in her office, Shane is at The Planet, and Phyllis is at her desk. They all look annoyed. "I did! She did. She did."

A side-by-side visual of Lindsey (Jenny's dog's vet, wearing a red shirt) and Jenny (wearing a black tank top and scratching her nose) talking on the phone. Lindsey says, "She booked a B&B in Solvang."

Side-by-side visual of Stacey Merkin (with Lindsey standing behind her) and Jenny talking on the phone. Jenny says, "And, uh, someone... my assistant Angelica."

Side by side visual demonstrating that Phyllis is calling Bette. On one side, Phyllis is holding a black landline phone to her ear. Bette has her mouth ajar as she looks at her cell phone, which says, "Take call from Phyllis." Bette says out loud, "Oh, fuck, Phyllis is calling."

Tina looks angry and is standing in Bette's office. She says, "So she can go to preschool with Diane Keaton's kids?"

Who by the way are SO overrated

Bette sits at her office desk and yells angrily, "No, it is not just crayons!"

IT IS ALSO COLORED PENCILS!

Alice (wearing a purple patterned top) reaches out in front of her. She says urgently, "Get your pants off the chips!"

That’s where my pants go

Papi is in a white tank top and a green poker visor, sitting at a poker table with a stack of poker chips in front of her. She says, "Poker's all about deception."

Side-profile shot of Jenny wearing a black tank top. She has her cell phone to her face. She says, "Well, thank you very much, you fucking vagina wig."

Max (wearing a gray dress shirt) is standing in his work office facing a brunette women in a blue and green dress. "A moron who played golf with Mitch."

Jodi stands on steps in her loft, looking down at Bette (whose back is to the camera). Jodi is holding a drill in her hand, and has the other hand pressed to her chest. She says, "Why do I scare you?"

Is it the large electric drill in my left hand? Be honest

Close-up of Bette's face, she has tears in her eyes. "I don't want to die right now."

Gimme like 2-3 hours of catching up on twitter

Bette and Jodi making out, both in their bras. Subtitles read, "[Gasping]"

A pair of hands holding 2 playing cards (a 4 of spades and a 3 of hearts) next to a beer bottle on a poker table. "Like, how do you know you won?"

Helena screaming "Oh!" with her hands raised in the air, her mouth wide, her eyes closed.

Tasha (wearing a black shirt) sitting with Alice in her apartment. "Ah, shit, little Nicki."

Tasha and Papi standing in front of the giant Chart in Alice's apartment. They're facing each other in a confrontational way. "Handle your bitches, man!"

A bunch of guys (including Max, whose back is to the camera) standing around in a circle in the office break room. One of them says, "She's a stupid bitch."

So that’s one small thing we have in common

Helena (wearing a high-cleavage black jacket), Shane (wearing a skinny black tie over a white shirt and a black blazer), and Alice (peaking over Shane's shoulder) first look at Shane's billboard. Helena reads, "'You're looking very Shane today?'"

Shane (wearing a black skinny tie, white shirt, and black blazer) is having her arm held back by a security guard in all black. She shouts, "Are you the vagina wig?"

Alice (wearing a thin strap peach colored dress) and Helena (wearing a black blazer) are standing in a crowd of photographers. Alice says, "The Chart."

You’re on it!

Lindsey (wearing her bra and pants) straddles Jenny, who is sitting up on the couch. Subtitles read, "[Exhales]"

Lindsey (wearing a white t-shirt) looks up and off into the distance, saying, "Fucking manatees."

Jenny (wearing a peach colored top) stands in a dimly lit bathroom, with lit candles and flowers by the bathtub. She says, "The manatees were a little bit true."

Alice (wearing a peach dress) and Shane (wearing a skinny black tie, white shirt, and black blazer) pass a caterer (wearing white brief underwear and a white tank top only) carrying a plate of food. Shane is loosening her tie and says, "I need a new haircut."

Shane shakes the hand of a woman with long blonde hair and wearing a ball gown, standing in front of a poker table. She says to Shane, "I've been told I'm looking very Shane today."

Which tbh does not seem particularly accurate

Bette (wearing a brown top, her back to the camera) sits across a dinner table from Jodi. They're holding hands across the table. "Eight. Eight, eight, eight."

Is Great!

Jodi smiles politely at Bette, whose head is to the camera. Jodi says, "I don't like kids."

Alice and Tasha lean their backs and elbows on a railing of a balcony in a very fancy mansion. Tasha says, "You had bad sex with Papi?"

Shane's billboard. In the photo, she is standing in front of a concrete wall, topless, with her hands covering both of her boobs. She's wearing a cross necklace and her head is tilted to the side. Off camera, someone says, "You were touching my right nipple."

Helena, wearing a high-cleavage black blazer and holding a black clutch purse is smiling in a crowded event hall. She says, "Actually, she plays on the all-girls team."

A dark-haired man (wearing a suit and tie and holding a glass of wine) and dark-haired woman (wearing a black dress) look shocked and confused. "She has a boyfriend who's an architect."

Papi (with a half-buttoned white shirt) leans down to say to Helena (sitting at a table), "I forgot to tell you the last rule."

Paige (wearing a blue t-shirt) stands in the doorway of her house. Shane (whose back is to the camera) has just arrived. Paige says, "Would you like some meatloaf?"

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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