It’s Autostraddle’s 10th Birthday: Ask Us Anything!

Happy 10th Birthday Autostraddle!

Can you even?? Ten entire years?! A+ members, without you, truly not a single year of this would’ve been possible. So many of you have been here since the doors were opened, before A+ was even a concept. So many of you have brought your friends and future exes and straight family members and encouraged them to support queer independent media. So many of you have made donations, shared our work, supported each other in these comments and found each other offline. I’m EMOTIONAL about what we’ve all built here together, and if you think I won’t have to stop working to cry about it at least 20 times today and maybe more this weekend, you’re new here AND I WELCOME YOU WITH THESE OPEN ARMS.

This Ask Us Anything / Advice-a-Thon is our way of saying 🎉 thank you for everything! 🥳 We have 15+ Autostraddle team members ready to answer any and all of your questions over the next eight hours. All of my questions?? you say. CORRECT. Every one!

Here’s how it works:

You comment below with your questions, your advice needs, your quandaries.

We, the editors and writers and illustrators of Autostraddle, reply to your comment with our answers, our advice, our solutions.

Life advice, personal questions about us, pop quizzes, professional questions about this work, settling a bet, etc. ANYTHING GOES, FRIENDS. If you want a particular person to answer your particular Q, simply type their names at the beginning of your comment. We’ll be command + f-ing our own names so we don’t miss any of these direct questions, so please make sure you’re spelling it correctly! I find using the @[screen name] approach to be useless, as most of us have strange screen names that don’t match our actual names, and probably you don’t know them, but! If you do know them and want to use that, BE MY GUEST.

In the words of me last year on this selfsame day: Let’s get going! Who’s asking the first question?? What about the third one? Who’ll ask the seventeenth? Who will be brave and bold enough to ask question number 52?!

WE LOVE YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

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Laneia

Laneia has written 311 articles for us.

472 Comments

    • Sally… this is a valid question to which I wish I could answer yes! it is … almost done… i’m mostly waiting on illustraitons?

    • Hello!
      What sport that you have never tried would you like to have a shot at? Any deep yearning for weird and wonderful sports in the AS team?

    • What are some good resources for a new polyam queer? So many online articles I’ve found are focused on hetero couples with secondary partners, but I’m looking for non-heirarchical non-monogamy advice for a Type A personality who wants to take vigorous notes.

      • You should check out all of our content on polyamory, if you haven’t already! Chingy wrote a great article recently and the Poly Pocket series was so instructive! Also I just ordered a zine about polyamory from a person I follow on Instagram, Daemonumx, and I love it so far as a resource. I’d follow her account and order the zine! 10/10 would recommend! I guess I am recommending right now!

  3. I was hoping to use this one as an interview question but for some reason people have told me it wouldn’t be appropriate:

    You are handed a hot cup of tea and a chilled glass of white wine. Is it more important to drink the tea before it goes cold, or the wine before it warms up? (Feel free to substitute with the hot/cold beverages of your choice).

    • the thing is you could add an ice cube to the wine if it got warm (we aren’t fancy here) but microwaving the tea would be a whole thing

    • i am probably going 2 hell for this but i drink p much all beverages at room temp….this includes hot coffee AND iced coffee i am disgusting

    • @sally Is there sugar nearby? Because if so, I’d add plenty of it to the hot tea, and sip on the white wine.

      Later I’d have a nice glass of Southern Sweet Tea to enjoy.

    • Wine first!

      First of all, because “wine first” sounds like the perfect life motto, but also because iced tea is a thing and it is delicious and the same cannot be said of a warm glass of white wine.

    • WELL THIS DEPENDS (aka how I start ever answer to an either/or question) – am *I* cold? Because I don’t mind room temp tea but ALSO I usually am only drinking tea because I’m cold so that would defeat the purpose if I let it get cold…BUT if I’m only drinking it for the wee caffeine boost, I can let it get colder.

      So basically I think my answer is always wine first, worry about everything else later.

    • i don’t have a problem drinking both of them at the same time but i guess i’m gonna start with wine cos i don’t want to burn my mouth on the tea.

    • I have to microwave my tea 3-4 times a morning (in fact just about to do that for the 2nd time today, oops) so I think I’d start with the wine because we all know how the tea situation is gonna go for me anyway.

    • I’m very interested to know what you’d be looking for in a candidate with this type of question, @sally. I’d drink the tea first and add ice cubes to the wine later because I’m a monster and also I love hot tea.

      • @kaelynrich, I’d use this as a general how-do-you-approach-problem-solving question.

        You can tell if someone’s taking a logical/scientific approach if they start talking about keeping the wine cool/tea warm, e.g. ice cubes in the wine, or just put the wine glass in the fridge. Conversely, if someone talks about microwaving the tea, they are a monster. You get bonus points if you mention about tea cooling down faster than wine warms up. Also, has the person considered where they are and who they are with? Most people just think about being at home alone, or in the situation they are in right now, so it shows a good level of imaginative thinking if they starting thinking about “what ifs.”

        Usually, people will talk about some kind of prioritisation, which is good. People that eschew the tea vs. wine false dichotomy and drink both simultaneously are to be applauded for their rebellious nature, but you would also want some follow-up questions to make sure they don’t just try and brute-force their way through all of life’s problems.

        No-one except me seems to consider asking why you got into the situation in the first place, but that’s possibly because I face this scenario IRL alarmingly frequently, thanks to a wife whose passion for providing me with beverages far outstrips my ability to consume beverages.

        The ideal candidate would first consider whether it’s a problem that needs to be solved, identify three possible solutions and select the best with justification, suggest potential future improvements to the solution, then offer some analysis of how the situation arose in the first place and what might be done to prevent or mitigate it in the future.

        I am suddenly starting to realise why I never score anyone very highly at interview.

    • my hot drinks must enter me first or else everything is thrown off / all my cold drinks turn room temperature by the time i remember i have them but when i have something hot im on constant lookout cause it takes too much work to make stuff hot again

  4. @Heather Hogan, when are you writing a book?! You are so talented and your work consistently cracks me up, makes me think, and moves me to tears. The world needs more of you wonder and thoughtfulness!

    • @innaffiare I agree wholeheartedly.

      The essays are great and deserve their own book but, personally, I’d love to see a bound copy of Heather’s PLL work, interspersed with interviews of the cast and writers, like Alan Sepinwall has done with Breaking Bad and The Sopranos.

      • Oh wow, y’all, thank you! Yes, actually, I am writing a book. I have written two novels that I am not sure will ever see the light of day, but I’m working on a book of essays right now that I feel confident will find a publishing home and a way into your hands!

  5. My 5 year old cat has always been clingy, but recently she started waking me up in the night so that she can sleep BETWEEN mine and my gf’s warm bodies. The problem is that now every time EITHER of us moves she squawks in indignation, waking me up!!! What’s up with her!!!! How can I help her not do this!! (I’m throwing my hat in the ring for the most lesbian question here, obviously).

    • I wish I could be any help at all about this but I don’t think I have ever actually succeeded in getting my cat to not do something if it’s what she wants. I would probably try picking her up and moving her to a better location on the bed so she maybe gets the hint, and then having a firm but loving conversation with her in the morning.

    • my cat Paulson also used to do this and now that my ex and i have split she screams at me MORE in the middle of the night as if she is asking where her other mom went and you know what I am realizing I am definitely not qualified to answer this question because my reaction to Paulson’s middle-of-the-night tantrums is usually just me saying “I don’t know how to help you” over and over……not an effective strategy!!! I think you are probably just going to have to keep moving your cat until she takes the hint…which could take a while! cats are stubborn! but sleep is important. does she have a bed of her own? if so, try putting an oft-worn t-shirt of yours or your gfs in it, because the smell will give her extra comfort and maybe make her more likely to stay in her own bed.

      • oh the t-shirt idea is a good one!!!! I might try this……. (also please let Paulson know I love her)

      • I second this t-shirt thing and as an added bonus, give it a spritz or two of catnip. When all else fails with my cats not going where I want them to go, I literally just lay my winter coat on the couch, opened up, and they all just get inside it. I think because it’s really floofy and warm and it smells like me a lot. Also you can get a little heated cat bed that you plug in like a heating pad! Some cats love those things!

      • You could also add some surround type snuggly fabric that can be burrowed into and with it being so cold at your end of the world at the moment, try using a pet specific electric blanket too.

    • I think cats are very attracted to heat, and that might be why she’s trying to sleep between two human furnaces. Maybe try to get one of those little electric heating pads and set it up on low in her bed? Make sure to put a towel on top if it gets too hot. It might work!

      • my bff has a heating pad for her very demanding, meowy cat and that has absolutely done the trick! i cannot offer personal experience because my cat is perfect.

  6. Exactly how dire are things w/r/t the existence of autostraddle in the next say… 2 years?

    • Hello! They are both dire and not. They are dire insofar as if our revenue this year increases at a similar rate as it has in previous years, this will be our last year of existence.

      They are NOT dire insofar as I have developed concrete fundraising goals for this year (w/r/t A+ and donations) and accordant budgeting plans and I believe that we can meet them — even though they are VERY AMBITIOUS and VERY FAR beyond anything we have ever aimed for in the past — especially if the past few months have been any indication. I’ve also had two really good conversations over the past few weeks (one with a reader/donor and one with a former publisher of bitch magazine) that gave me a lot of information and insight that makes me feel like we know what to do, we just need to find the time and strategy to do it.

      next week we’re going to start a fundraising push (it was going to start today but we uhhh decided to do this yearbook thing? that required… coding a whole new platform situation and ummm a series of 14-hour days for me, laneia and sarah… it’s gonna go up today! we always make things really complicated!) that we’ll do a few times over the course of the year, depending on how it goes. one result of this will hopefully be hiring someone to do some part-time work for us relating to A+, email and social media.

      what we have on our side, in addition to the immense goodwill of our readers LIKE Y’ALL, is that i think it’s become SUPER clear to people that online media is going to require massive amounts of reader support to survive, and also that there is not a lot out there anymore for queer women.

      • it is 100% not my place to answer this question but i really desperately needed to use this gif here:

  7. Is it ok to have a favorite cat? I’m totally asking for a friend btw. My friend feels very guilty.

    • yes. you don’t need to say it out loud out of respect for the other cat(s) but yes.

    • Yes. All cats by nature assume that they are the best and most important cat so you(r friend) are not in danger of denting their self-esteem.

  8. Any tips on maintaining a healthy distance and recuperating some peace of mind while still in a very toxic grad school environment? I have about 2 more months left but the last two months have been utterly soul-crushing and there are some major problems that program/school will not take responsibility for or be accountable or even listen to me anymore. And my cohort has basically all turned on me for being vocal about my problems. The program has done things that have nearly ended/jeopardized the exciting, joyful, beautiful work I’m trying to do outside of the school. How do I balance stepping away from the toxicness, recuperating, and diving into this beautiful workshop space I’ve created?

    • Oh babe. I love you so much and I am so sorry this has happened/is happening to you. I don’t have personal lived experience advice, but I do have some thoughts, YMMV – I invite you to:

      – take as much space from the program and the people as you need. These folks are your colleagues but they are not your life. If they don’t understand the importance of your work then they are not your audience. Other people are your audience. Start thinking about how to find those people.

      – find community support outside of school – either with Autostraddle, or local pals, or other people who do similar work to you or who you think would better value your work.

      – remember that your work is valuable and its value is NOT tied up in the perception of people who are toxic to you and your mental health.

      – make space for your work to thrive outside of the school environment. Your work is important! It belongs in the world! Start thinking about how you can take it outside the academy and let it live in the universe.

      I love you and I’m proud of you! Good luck!

      • hank you <3 <3 <3 love you
        Really good reminders that I needed to hear! I'm doing everything I can to distance myself and my work from the school/these people. I think it's all going to work out okayish, but I'm very drained by the experience.
        As I imagined and said somewhere like 6 years ago, I wish there was an Autostraddle University. Just saying, dream big right

  9. Not a question because my brain is still asleep, but thank you for making comment replies click-through-able from the sidebar!!!

      • It’s been working since Tuesday night.

        I have the lazy-loading for comments turned off (when the comments load after you scroll down the page) because it was being buggy. That was the reason those links were not working before. The link in the sidebar links down to the comments section of the page, but that’s not loaded yet, so the browser is like “well that’s not here, have the top of the post instead”.

        I had lazy load on to reduce the impact on the server. We recently upgraded servers so it’s possible we don’t need that anymore. I am testing to see if the new server can handle having lazy load off, so we will see! But there’s a good chance it’ll be back soon and then I’ll have to re-add the comment replies sidebar link bug back to my to-do list. Fingers crossed :)

  10. Approx how much traffic increase do you expect to get on the site purely because of the L Word reboot?!

    • approximately $200k worth i hope
      sally if they don’t advertise on this website i am CRACKING SKULLS

  11. Laneia! Since this involves your kids, please reserve the right not to answer, but: what was one thing that surprised you about parenting that has really stuck with you over the years?

    • OUT HERE ASKING THE TOUGH QUESTIONS, I SEE

      Well, let’s see here, *thumbs through hundreds of screenshots* it’s progression is coming along nicely, but I have to say I love what she has going on right now. I like that it’s versatile and she looks like a superhero when it’s swooped back when she’s in uniform, but has a nice angular side length to it when it’s down when she’s off-duty.

      So while I enjoyed her first shorter bob, I like this new angled swoopy shaved-sides better.

  13. Heather: Have you seen Dolly Parton live in concert and/or have you been to Dollywood?

    • I have seen Dolly five times in concert and been to Dollywood twice! I recently tipsily told Stacy I want to get married in Dollywood at Christmas and she said yes of course, but she was also tipsy, so we should probably revisit that at another time.

    • Carol is a leash dog and also a tote dog! Carol enjoys being on a leash, but also enjoys being in a tote bag of any kind, or the little baskets you can get at CVS to carry your “stuff” in that I sometimes put carol in because one time she peed at the CVS even though she never pees indoors! i think she did it because she knew I was mad at the pharmacist

      • oh hey, cyrus also pees in stores but nowhere else indoors! I think he sees it as outdoors, somehow.

        i’ve never convinced him to get into a tote or a basket, tho.

  15. Happy Birthday Autostraddle!

    First question, because it is currently the most pressing in my life: What do you do when you find out a close friend, someone you trusted implicitly, has lied to you about something important in a way that they for sure knew would be incredibly hurtful to you? Do you ask them to explain? And what do you do if you aren’t sure if you can trust whatever answers they may give you? Is it possible to regain that trust again? And what do you do if you can’t regain that trust but can’t cut this person out of your life for a multitude of reasons?

    I’ll be back with more fun questions later, I promise!

    • I think having a conversation and understanding their intent is important. I think, in general, it’s possible to earn trust back, but it’s not a guarantee in every case.

      Something I’ve been learning in a new/big way in the past year is that friendship isn’t all or nothing. You’re not going to be fully all in and 100% trusting all your secrets to all of your friends, or even all your very close friends. It’s almost like…if you think of your life as an organization, there are different teams. There are hierarchies, sure, but there are also parallel teams, different places friendships sit and different roles and responsibilities for each. Sometimes it sucks to find out a friend you thought was cut out to be at the top of your organization, VP of Friendship, by your side making things run smoothly, isn’t as trustworthy or helpful or good at being a friend. But depending on what they did and why, they might not need to be fired outright. They might be great for the social committee! And it’ll take a while before you get used to not going to them for VP-level things, but it’s still possible that they could thrive in that role and you can both be happy with your new relationship.

      I hope that makes sense, my brain works almost exclusively in convoluted metaphors.

      • oh wow i didn’t realize i was replying directly to this v specific question but it feels on brand

        i think you can talk to this person and it’s ok to forgive but not forget.

    • Leaning into Stef’s answer – I think it’s very possible to forgive and also move forward knowing your relationship has shifted and will likely never be quite the same. I very much believe in forgiveness, and I have been grateful to be forgiven when I have hurt friends deeply and I have felt good forgiving friends who have hurt me deeply, but I have also accepted that often after a betrayal or a hurt a relationship never quite…I almost said “recovered” but that’s not it. The relationship will build into something new. You will always have the lie, the betrayal, the (hopefully) positive conversations that lead you to forgive and move on, the truth of it all…it will always be there. But that is okay. Life is really long (apparently the theme of my answers today) and we all hurt each other, intentionally and unintentionally, and I don’t think you need to cut a person out of your life but I also don’t think you need to pretend everything is the same. And also, it’s okay to take steps and make boundaries that help you feel safer around this person moving forward.

      I’m sorry this happened, and good luck <3

      • i come from a family where my very mentally ill maternal grandparents cut a LOT of members of our family out of their lives permanently because of sometimes completely imagined slights against them, and they became something of a cautionary tale. my mom was really into telling very tiny stef the story from fraggle rock about the poison cackler, who never forgives and never forgets. because of that, i am very wary of cutting people out of my life completely, but i think it’s wise to protect yourself against someone who has hurt you.

      • Vanessa! I accidentally commented on someone else’s comment (hopefully it’s deleted). I just wanted to say ty for the homework, I am practicing telling myself everyone thinks I’m hot and it’s great.

    • I completely agree with Rachel! We also published a short story this year that I loved? So I say, if you have an idea always pitch it! You never know!

    • Vanessa! Ty for the homework, I am practising thinking I am hot and that everyone thinks so! It’s making me feel a little better :)

    • Oh this is a GREAT question because with the news of the reboot, I have been trying to figure that out myself lately!

      When I was a kid, I was OBSESSSSSSSSED with Jessi! Even though I didn’t know how to dance? or even enjoyed dancing? So I think I loved her most because she was black and that made me feel like there was a place for me in the Babysitter’s, you know?

      In terms of sheer personality, I am much more a Mallory and a Mary-Anne.

      I also loved art as a kid, and hated math, which made me love Claudia.

      LISTEN I HAVE A LOT OF BSC FEELINGS OK!?!? A LOT.

      I don’t know if my mind was blown by the Ann M. Martin news, even retroactively, as much as… it felt deeply right and satisfying. Like putting in the very last, perfect piece, of the jigsaw puzzle.

      • CP! This is great! I ALSO HAVE A LOT OF BSC FEELINGS.

        I am also a Mallory (without the seven siblings, tho)! But I always wanted to be a dancer, like Jessie. And I always wanted to be as cool as Dawn, who was from my home state. And for a very long time, I harbored the fantasy of my parents splitting up concurrently with my best friend’s parents splitting up, so our parents could marry a la Mary Anne and Dawn. ALAS, lol.

    • I LOVE THIS QUESTION. It’s Bush’s “Machinehead” from their 1994 Sixteen Stone album.

      • I used to have that cd! Good choice!
        I’d go with Alicia Keys’ “Girl on Fire”

  19. Rachel What’s your favorite overused cliche? I’ve always liked “don’t get mad, get even,” even though I’m always mad and never get even

    • oh this is such a good question! i say ‘it is what it is’ a lot. i love like… crabby, borderline confrontational sayings that sound like my uncles – “don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining,” etc. hm i guess these aren’t really cliches? i do like and stand by ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’

    • For Autostraddle to keep existing and for everyone to get a raise! So like…a lot of money. Someone tell Ellen this is how she can become relevant again, please!!!

    • i would like what vanessa said and also maybe if someone wants to bring a vanilla iced coffee to my apartment

    • i would really like a new laptop if you have a spare several thousand dollars lying around.

    • Honestly, I’d love a whole day during which I had absolutely no work due (which is not the same as not working) and during which I’m completely alone other than strangers passing by and not talking to me. I would read a book all the way through and find a sunny spot that’s not too hot to lay in even though my birthday is in January and I live in the Northeast, but let’s just pretend I’m somewhere warm. THAT IS ALL. Is it too much to ask?

      • It doesn’t seem much, does it Kaelyn. It’s amazing how long you have to wait sometimes though, before you can get what you want/need.

        Maybe you can do a deal one day soon with a good friend. Have wonderful day when you get it.

    • i would like to be sent on one of those retreats where all you do is write words, read books, eat healthy food and go to yoga for like a week

  21. Where do you like to vacation, or what sort of tourist sites should I visit? I feel like I should travel a little more, either in the US or abroad, so tell me where you like to go. :)

    • New Orleans was one of my favorite vacations! My friend and I just kind of explored and it was great!

    • I personally love being outside when I travel, and hiking and camping. I realize this is not for everyone, but I also think standing outside in a great big world and letting yourself feel small is pretty universally cool, and a lot of National Parks in the USA have different things that are accessible for all visitors. Like yes you can go hiking at the Grand Canyon, but you can also take the full paved rim walk just a few steps to a lookout and chill there for a while and then head back to your car. My favorite National Parks I’ve visited are Glacier in Montana, Joshua Tree in California, and literally every single one in Southern Utah (there are 5).

      Before I visit a new city I try to check out the queer scene, I look up walking tours, and I see what their DIY art scene is like, because those are my interests. I recommend doing a similar search for your interests when traveling!

      I am also dying to visit Alaska and Iceland, though since I haven’t been I can’t give any ~hot tips~.

    • oh hell yeah i LOVE vacations. food is the number one motivator for me so all of my recs are pretty centered on that. Go to Greece and eat all the seafood in sight. Just order a platter of fish and go to town. Make sure to get to the islands, but Athens is also great esp if you like history, art, and/or bars.

      Go to Norway or anywhere in Scandinavia and just eat SHRIMP every day. DAILY SHRIMP

      Rome is really one of the best food destinations in the world right now—worth the hype!!! Mexico City is also great and has some incred restaurants ugh I want to go back right now.

      And within the U.S., some of my favorite places to visit for FOOD reasons are Nashville, Austin, LA, Chicago, Portland (Maine, not Oregon—no offense to Oregon I just have never personally been!!!!)

    • We recently went on a press trip to Puerto Rico and it was really incredible! Mey went on a press trip there last year and also said it was maybe the best week of her life.

    • Such a cliche, but I love visiting NYC and finding weird shit to do there and it just is a bizarre, kind of lonely-lovely place and there’s always something interesting or unusual happening if you look in the right places.

  22. Rachel: You seem like a person who keeps house plants alive and I really want to know how you do that?

    (I could be completely making this up, I do not actually know this about you!)

    Also I miss your weekly in-depth political/current event breakdowns, they were smarter than any others available, but I’m sure it was exhausting and demoralizing to keep up with all of that horrible news!

    • this is such a flattering question!!! what an angel. i definitely do not keep all house plants alive and have killed several in the last year (RIP), but as with many things in life i think my biggest tip is keeping your expectations realistic? i intentionally buy low-maintenance plants that are hard to kill and that like a lot of light and dry air, which is what my apartment is like. succulents work well for that, which is nice because they’re easy; if i move somewhere humid without a lot of windows, i guess i’ll have to rethink things. the only other thing i really do on purpose is try to be careful what water i give them — i used to collect rainwater when i had a yard, now that i don’t i let the plant water sit out uncovered for a few days before using it because the employee at the bougie plant store said it helps some of the chemicals in tap water evaporate!

      also thank you for your kind words – that means a lot! i miss yvonne’s, too. we’re still figuring out what kind of news coverage makes sense both for our resources and for the weird world of nonstop news saturation and burned out and traumatized news consumers (including ourselves!) what a fucking world. your presence in it and readership makes it so much better though!

  24. Somewhat late to the party, I recently started playing Zelda: Breasts of the Wild. Is it just me, or is Lady Urbosa totally gay for Zelda?

    • Hey, this is so great! I’m so happy for you! I really hate shopping for clothes, more than just about anything, because clothes in the men’s department just generally do not fit my big-breasted, very hip-y body and clothes in the women’s department are not generally masculine enough for me. I’ve had to get a lot of more professional clothes lately and so I’ve been forced to just do it. I’ve had some luck ordering men’s clothes online and knowing going in that I’m going to have to budget to have them tailored. Most major department stores sell suits online and have free returns that a lot of smaller places, like Wildfang, don’t offer. For shoes, I’ve had great luck with Tomboy Toes. For shirts, I actually do buy them in the women’s department in the like accounting professionals department in Nordstrom or Macys. And ties, well those I just buy wherever it tickles my fancy. Ties are one thing I love shopping for!

  27. What happens to zombies if they don’t eat? It’s not like they can die again…

  28. Stef: You can’t answer my question but like

    Did you make out with Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual y/y

  29. Ok Stef in case you have to delete my last question, what is your very favorite band that has ever played at one of your work venues?

    • there are a lot of days that have been really fun but my most recent favorite is a band called charly bliss who started out opening shows and now are headlining much bigger venues! they are gigantic sweethearts and have a really fun 90s vibe, like a much more sugary veruca salt.
      always like having slothrust.
      always like having mal blum obvs.
      always like having a local nyc band called high waisted.
      and although i do not care for their music i have to say i had a really nice day with tegan and sara, who had a great crew and were incredibly pleasant to work with in a small space.
      same for chvrches although i do like their music. both bands had a really good attitude about playing a smaller space.
      i cannot say the same for regina spektor.

  30. hello wow hi! i think you should be honest and also respectful. here’s what i would do:

    be there for your friend, be kind and be available, and also create some reasonable boundaries while this is still just a friendship. depending on how invested in the relationship your pal was, she may need more or less time to heal. i don’t think it’s useful to worry about her being “swooped up” into another monogamous relationship – it’s not fucked up per se but it’s just like, let’s deal with what’s happening here first before thinking about that. if she’s in a “I’m heartbroken and cannot picture myself with anyone else ever” place, I’d say you should probably keep your feelings to yourself for a while, both out of respect and also because there’s a strong chance she has no idea what she wants or needs in this moment and that’s not great for either of you. if she had one foot out the door already and feels honestly pretty chill about the breakup, I think it’s very reasonable to tell her about your crush.

    in the past when I’ve had a crush on a friend I have tried to be pretty direct. “hey, I am feeling crush feelings on you, would love to take you on a proper date and maybe kiss your face, is that something you’d ever be into?” and then, and this is the hardest part, you gotta accept whatever she says. she may say yes which, yay! but she may be like “no absolutely not babe.” and then you still have to be okay with that. I think if you’re committed to not “ruining the friendship” then everything will be okay, but it will probably feel bad and sad for a while and it’s okay to create more boundaries during that time and take some space so you can kill the crush.

    an important tidbit to remember: a crush is a habit. you can break a habit! it’s hard but you can.

    ALL OF THAT SAID – an appropriate amount of time depends on every person. if y’all are close, you’ll be able to see when she feels okay to receive attention like that again and when is too soon. and if she does end up in a monogamous partnership with someone new before you get a chance to share your feelings, wish them well and work on breaking the habit of the crush. life is really long, and queer dating is really…something. chances are if there’s a spark between you two, something will happen eventually. in the meanwhile, good luck! <3

    • “a crush is a habit. you can break a habit! it’s hard but you can.” vanessa where were you when i was in high school you couldve saved so many high schoolers

  31. (Doing my best white male impersonation) “This is more of a comment than a question…”

    …but I love y’all! That’s it.

      • my favorite BRAND of bra is Elomi! their sizing is so inclusive, their patterns and cuts are so cute, and they’re not too expensive for big-boob-bras, usually falling in the $50-$60 range which honestly is rly reasonable for the bras i’ve had to buy my whole life.

    • omg what delightful questions!

      my favorite lightweight camping gear is my quilt, which was extremely expensive but is SO LIGHT and SO WARM and SO FLUFFY and is also HOT PINK. it’s made by a company called Enlightened Equipment and i would strongly recommend their products.

      i also really like my Montbell puffy jacket.

    • I know you’re not asking me, but I have to say this b/c my passion is SO STRONG.

      I am 100% in love with the MSR HubbaHubba NX lightweight tent. It is so light, so easy to set up and truly a technical marvel.

    • first of all THANK YOU SO MUCH

      second of all this is a perfect first comment

      third of all as it turns out working for AND DONATING MONEY TO queer independent media makes you super hot for life, it’s so weird!!!! ;)

      xoxo

    • Well Vanessa said it so perfectly. But also HELLO WELCOME FRIEND!! SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU!

    • Wow, what will your second comment be? You really set the bar high. Also, thanks, I think you’re hot, too even though you don’t have a pic. I can just sense it deeply.

  35. does Vanessa wish more people were asking her, specifically, more questions?

    (yes)

    love you bbs sorry i’m so needy <3

    • Okay Vanessa, let’s get personal: what is your favourite carb to accompany poached eggs? English muffins? Sourdough bread? Something very unorthodox?

      • a GREAT question! i love a poached egg on CHALLAH, but i’m also a huge fan of the standard eggs benedict english muffin. also, controversial, sometimes i like to mix sweet and savory so like a poached egg and a DONUT can be perfect together…

      • the random DMs at random hours when I assume you’ll be sleeping, the up to the minute coverage on all items Vapid Fluff, every time we’ve been mean girls together <3 <3 <3

    • vanessa what are your favorite things that i, riese bernard, have written on the internet

    • @Vanessa HELLO! I have been reading your newsletter and this summer/fall, you and I both left places that felt like home to pursue graduate studies, and like, further our lives and stuff, but also WHY did we not find ways to do that where we were??????? Why did we make our lives purposefully harder????? Also I love your newsletter! It has been such a good companion in these trying times of living in a new place with only one real friend besides my dog!

      • Hi @stepintime! Apologies for the delay in this response – I was logged off by the time I got this question on Friday! But here I am now!

        First of all, thank you for reading my newsletter! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it and I love that it’s a companion.

        Second of all, I personally left Portland because I didn’t get into school there! I applied to Portland State University and it was my #1 choice but they rejected me. I applied for four grad schools total, and Sarah Lawrence is the only place I got in. I know I could have reapplied the next cycle and tried for PSU again, but it felt really urgent to me all of a sudden to go to school. Like, I felt stuck and stalled and like it would make me really unhappy if I didn’t get unstuck.

        I wrote this somewhere else in this thread, but basically, anytime I’ve made a big life change, even if it’s a move away from something that makes me really happy, it’s been important and necessary and ultimately my intuition knows when I need to move. I’m being productive on the east coast in a way I never personally could make myself be in Portland. I think I had way too much of a life there to focus on school in the way I am now. Also, I ended a pretty major relationship that really needed to end, specifically when I got into school, because I realized I couldn’t move across the country with my ex, and that really needed to happen, and I don’t think it would’ve happened without a push from the universe.

        So that’s why I moved! I think it’s a sad question to say “why did I not find a way to further my life in the place that felt like home,” (though if it feels like an okay question to ask yourself that’s fine! I just mean for me it feels personally sad) because it’s more like, I love myself enough to take the opportunities I create for myself, I tried my best to create several options and I landed up with just one, I took it because it was an important step to take, I am in charge of my own self and I can always go back home (and I fully intend to) but right now I’m prioritizing XYZ and that is important and I’m proud of myself.

        I hope that speaks to some of what you’re wondering about. I also want to say solidarity in grad school loneliness, and I bet you are doing a really really good job. <3

        • @floralprintdress WILD that we have such similar stories — I also applied to four places, including one in London, and Arizona is the only one I got into; I also had a relationship end semi-due to my going to grad school (and another significant relationship fall apart for other reasons), so moving also served as a way for me to force myself out of the stickiness that followed. I really admire your self-possession; I’ve always maintained an internal locus of control orientation toward my choice to move (as in, *I* chose it and it’s not one’s responsibility but mine), but that hasn’t yet manifested as confidence *in* that decision. Hoping I’m able to channel some of that in the coming months! Grad school is hard! Go us!

  36. i have to make dinner once a week for everyone (currently four adults imcluding myself but potentially at some point more than that) on the teaching farm where I’m currently interning and i don’t know how to cook because i hate cooking. help

    • @mic-k-ey I love cooking but because time is finite, I find myself also hating it 90% of the time. Two recommendations that I have:

      1. Find Simple Recipes: There are a bevy of recipes out there, fit for a nice family dinner, that require five ingredients or less. The simpler the recipe, the less intimidating the cooking process.

      2. Get an Instant Pot: I didn’t fully appreciate how useful these were until I got one for myself. It allows you to cook great meals, in a short amount of time, without too much fuss.

    • hm i think when you’re cooking for large groups it’s easiest just to focus on stuff that scales well! rice with stir fry veggies or meat, tacos, stew or chili are good and easy to cook! pasta with choice of sauces!

  37. TV Team: How many times do you watch an episode of a show before you write your recap or article?

    • just one time! I have been doing this for a very long time though. for longer features/things where I go way more in depth or am writing about multiple shows or multiple episodes in one piece, that stuff requires some rewatching. and in general, I am known to watch episodes of television over and over, but that’s for personal reasons not work! as far as recaps/reviews go, just once, then I write it, then maybe I rewatch again for funsies but after I’ve already published the recap/review.

    • For me it depends on the show – for most shows I watch once to livetweet and/or take recap notes, then rewatch only certain scenes for screenshots/clarification on anything I missed.

      For shows like Wynonna Earp and Orphan Black though, where I’m lucky enough to get screeners so I have the luxury of more time, and also happen to love the shows more than most, I watch the screener once for me, just for fun, no tweeting (because screener) or note-taking. Then once for note-taking. Then when I watch live. Then when I watch for screenshots (usually with little to no skipping, because on top of having time, I, again, love these shows VERY much.)

      So basically either 1.5 times or 4 times hahaha

    • I aspire to Kayla and Heather’s level of efficiency but, for me, I’ll watch an episode about three times. Once just to watch, the second time to take notes and craft the recap and a third time to dialogue catch/screencap.

    • for me it’s between 2-3 times unless i REALLY hate it, in which case i try to do it all at once.

      3 times is if the first time i watch it is live — i take notes if i’m alone, but usually just try to enjoy it if i’m watching it with someone else.

      two times if i have a screener. i watch it once to outline the recap and take notes, stopping pretty frequently. then i start to write the recap, very determined that this is what i’m doing with my life, that’s that, i am going to recap this show efficiently and maintain thriving personal relationships. but then i often end up going back and watching pieces of it again.

      if i had to do my own screencaps i don’t think i would be able to recap at all ’cause of the style with which i recap! which is pretty detailed with LOTS of pictures and graphics. but the last show i recapped regularly was faking it. the next one will be the l word reboot. grace will do my screencaps. but i need to develop a tighter process.

  38. Vanessa, What would cause more arguments: getting a realistic sex doll that looks like your partner or one that doesn’t?

      • wow I was like extremely into it immediately is this the difference between you and me as humans

    • hmmmmm I think it depends on what your partner is like, like if you’re ME, I would LOVE a sex doll that looks like me because uhhh I am that bitch and I love myself??? so like if one of my partners was like “babe I got a sex doll” and she DIDN’T look like me I think I would be a little hurt! also imagine the “group sex” possibilities with said doll?!?!?!

      honestly I think if a realistic sex doll is gonna cause arguments it’s gonna cause arguments no matter who it looks like, but I personally am VERY PRO REALISTIC SEX DOLLS it turns out?!?!?! I didn’t know before you asked this question so thank you for that!

      • No one asked me but why would u get a sex doll that looked like someone else when you COULD get a doll that looked like yourself for döpplebanging and/or giving as a gift to your partner

  39. I am moving cross country next weekend (from South Dakota to Phoenix, AZ) with only one solid friend (actual friend, not a lady interest) in AZ. For those who have made life changing moves on a whim, how do I (25) go about making new queer friends or even adapting to a bigger city and its social scene. I lived in small mid-west cities my whole life and am feeling extremely excited, but also a little anxious.

    Happy birthday Autostraddle!

    • volunteer for shit you’re interested in! also, going to shows
      being open to becoming friends with ppl from work.
      I met a friend in the grocery store straight up. so being open to talk to ppl if ya think you can swing it/ trust your intuition.
      it’ll be great! Im excited for ya

      • your excitement will shine through all that you do and will attract friends and good people :)

    • I’ve picked up and moved cities after college three times in my adult life, and rebuilt a social group each time. My only advice is give it time! It took me at least two whole years before I found the right people in each city. Don’t give up too soon.

    • Hi Jess! I made a move from the east coast (DC area) to Anchorage, Alaska when I was 23. One of the first things I did was find the local LGBTQ center and go introduce myself. That’s a great way to start if there is one. Also I volunteered to help with Pride so if there is a Pride then I would say volunteer with that. Or volunteering at “women’s stuff” in general and attending those events. I attended poetry readings by women, roller derby, art shows featuring women, and women’s sports events.

      In the past couple years I became a chaperone for a youth LGBTQ and Two-Spirit camp and met many queer friends that way. Getting involved in LGBTQ issue campaigns was another way I met people. There was a woman candidate for the national house of representatives this year and friends of mine who worked on that described it as a queer-lady normative space.

      Another general tip is to meet the friends of new people you meet. You may not hit it off super great with a particular person but you may hit it off with some of their friends so say “yes” to as much socializing as you can. Socializing all the time was hard for me as an introvert but it helped me meet lots of people really quick so I could then decide which people I wanted to get to know more. And since you already have one solid friend there you have a ready-made opportunity to meet their friend group to start branching out.

      Congrats on the big move! You’ll do great!

    • Ah! Love this question. I am doing the same thing in August, and while the new city is only 3 hours away, it is like 10 times bigger. I am already telling myself to stick it out, and that I need to give it time before I make friends (thanks Cee!)

    • Hi! I have no idea how to do this, but I just moved to PHX in July and have like two friends, so let’s meet up!

    • OH WOW I AM BUILT FOR THIS MOMENT!!!!

      1. Peppermint (though she’s also my “hometown queen” because I used to watch her perform in clubs before she was famous and I lived in New York)
      2. Manila Luzon (similar reasons, though also I think she’s the most talented queen to still not have a crown. I’ve loved her for almost 10 years now! WOW)
      3. Monet X Change (I STAN AN ALL STAR QUEEN)
      4. Shangela (she’s the queen who I think is going to have the longest career away from the show, her work ethic reminds me a lot of Ru)

      YOU DIDN’T ASK BUT…

      My least favorite queen is Valentina, even though I thought she made a very good Angel in the recent RENT Live on Fox. In general, I tend not to like queens who aren’t strong performers or queens who focus more on their looks than their performance. Valentina I guess does both, but her spirit always feels mean? I’m not in to it.

      Always happy to talk RPDR! Who are your favorites?

      • Hooray Carmen! This is a perfect list and I was so glad to see Monet win too! Naomi Smalls also amazed me on AS and Katya always makes me smile.

        Agreed about Valentina, she has some very amusing lines but seems selfish. (My least favourites are Violet and Aquaria.)

        This season my dream top 3 is Silky, Yvie and Vanjie. And I’m annoyed at Brooke Lynn for being a Canadian who chose that American name. The first Canadian on Drag Race should have been named Regina Saskatchewan or Alberta Canada. What a missed opportunity.

    • I haven’t watched in ages, but I really loved Peppermint and Sasha Velour and I have a very soft spot for Pandora Boxx who used to live and work in Rochester, NY, where I live!

      • I almost forgot all about Pandora! LOVE HER

        (I almost listed Sasha! She’d be in my top five for sure)

  41. Why is the website called autostraddle? (I am concerned that the answer is a really obvious thing I should know)

  42. vanessa / riese / anyone

    I am 22 and in many ways very happy and lucky but also overwhelmed and confused!! Not a unique place to be but it feels very intense. I have a job I like but don’t love that I’m pretty underpaid at, a girlfriend who I love a lot, and a desire to adventure more/be outside a lot?? before I probably inevitably eventually move back to nyc. my gf is the sweetest and best person and I feel so so so lucky to date her, but I don’t feel ready to commit/move in and I can’t see when I will be. She’s ready for that. How do I leave parts of my life that I know are very good in order to follow some informed Dixie chicks wide open spaces feeling? How do I trust myself to make that leap and be as good to her as possible in the process? Vanessa how was it that you just moved to a lesbian farm and can I do that???

    Also Laneia / heather how did you know your person was the one for you?

    Sorry this is an advice box question I love you all and am so grateful for this space you’ve made!!! I started reading autostraddle years before I realized I was gay and I will never not be grateful that you guys showed me what my life could look like before I was ready to realize that’s what I wanted.

      • see my answer to Em below! I almost always suggest moving to a farm or intentional community that is already formed rather than trying to start your own because it is HARD and also the number one reason why communal rural queer living projects fail is because they can’t get enough people to move there and stay and invest in the place, and there are SO MANY in existence already I think that’s the route to go, but anyway if you have questions about this for real email me. Vanessa [at] autostraddle dot com! I’ll answer eventually I swear it. xo

    • Maybe not what you want to hear, but I think if you’re not ready to move in with your girlfriend you probably shouldn’t.

      • Sorry, that sounded very abrupt, it’s Friday and my brain is a bit frazzled.

        I wish you all the best and you should pursue at least some of the experiences you are seeking. Sometimes you have to take risks to get opportunities. (I say this as a pretty risk averse person).

        • I think the person you are in a relationship with should make your world feel bigger, not smaller.

          • Which may mean I remain single forever because even though I spend a lot of my free time at home playing stupid games on my phone my world feels bigger than it ever was because I am doing new things and meeting new people.
            And some of this is down to being older and having more confidence and some of it is down to having a bit more money, but some of it is down to not limiting myself to make time for someone who had a pretty small comfort zone. And I mean it’s fine if people want to keep their life small but that’s not what I want.

    • There was a moment about a year into my relationship with Stacy when we were having an argument, and I clocked that I was actually fighting with someone, and that really surprised me. I am not an arguer, and for basically all of my adult life, any relationship that got deep enough to have conflict, I’d bolt. I just wanted to keep things light and breezy. So we were arguing and it struck me that I’d let her into a place I’d never been comfortable letting another person into before, a place where we were going to be vulnerable enough to inevitably hurt each other, and learn to fully forgive each other, and then really really work to not hurt each other in that way again. It was scary — I still had a lot of childhood trauma to work through — but I also knew that she was worth being scared for. And then once we really started working on ourselves and on our relationship, and I saw how committed she was to the hard parts, I just knew. All the stuff relationships kick off on — attraction and shared interests and similar lifestyles — drew me to her, and our alchemy just felt special, but it was her tenacity in wading through the hard stuff that made me want to commit myself to her forever.

    • hello! happy and lucky and overwhelmed and confused, wow, welcome to my 22nd year on this planet too! and also my 23rd! now that I’m 30 I have like, 4 things figured out, as opposed to 0, so I’m not saying I’m an expert but I am saying I have some ideas.

      you should read Cheryl Strayed, obviously. Tiny Beautiful Things. read GO GO GO GO. be brave enough to break your own heart. it’s cliche but it is because it’s true. you’ve gotta do the stuff you wanna do and sometimes going means not staying and that will, indeed, break your heart, but it will also change your whole life, usually for the better. sometimes not for the better, sometimes you make mistakes, but that’s okay too. life is long. you got this.

      I interviewed someone for my old Straddler on the Street series who mentioned WWOOFing with dykes in southern Oregon and I got the name of the spot and I went. that’s how I landed on a lesbian farm, thought to be honest it was more a homestead/rural situation/intentional community than a farm. 17 chickens, a strong summer garden, and a cute pack of dogs, but no intense animals or farmstand situation. those exist though! email me – Vanessa [at] autostraddle [dot] com and I’d be happy to connect you. I think I’m gonna make a lil’ resource email for queer farming questions and land dyke living questions for city/suburb queers, so this offer is open to everyone. I am VERY bad at email and a VERY stressed out grad student, so it may take me a while – like maybe even a couple of months – but I will do this for you eventually, I promise. Because I love you and because I care and because living in Southern Oregon with land dykes in their 70s changed my whole life for the better, it did, I swear it.

      the thing about being 22 is that for me, personally, I knew I was probably not going to be with my girlfriend for forever. it just didn’t seem true. now that I’m 30 I’ve had 3 serious relationships since the person I was with when I was 22, I’m not convinced I ever want to settle down with someone, I’m not convinced I’m monogamous, and I think I wanna be a solo single mama by choice. life’s wild. I didn’t know all these things specifically when I was 22, but in my heart, when my ex (who was lovely and good to me and I loved her) would talk about moving in together and getting married one day and having kids I…I kind of knew, in my deepest depths of my Self, that it wasn’t gonna work. I just knew I had a lot of life things I wanted to do – things I didn’t even know I wanted to do – that she didn’t wanna do, and that she would, and this sounds unkind but it’s honest and I’m being honest for you, I knew she would get in my way. Of living my life how I wanted to. not everyone feels that way about a parter at 22! but I did.

      I believe that in the depths of your being, you know the choices you need to make.

      If you even so much as think you want some Dixie Chicks Wide Open Spaces feelings, you’ve gotta follow that feeling.

      trust yourself. make the leap. be kind to your partner but don’t let her stop you from living your honest life. you’ve only got this one, and it’s long, but you’ve gotta do what you wanna do. email me if you wanna. I believe in you and I love you and you’ve got this.

      <3

      • “you’ve gotta do the stuff you wanna do and sometimes going means not staying and that will, indeed, break your heart, but it will also change your whole life, usually for the better. sometimes not for the better, sometimes you make mistakes, but that’s okay too.”

        ty for this! I am finishing up grad school very far from home and it is so validating! YES I needed to go but also YES it broke my heart and it DID change my whole life, and I am not sure if it was for the better! but I needed to make a choice and I did so here we are. and it’s okay.

    • Hi Em! I have been where you are. My personal philosophy (and YMMV on this) is that if I *know* I don’t want a committed relationship to continue past XYZ time, I need to go ahead and get out. I’ve had too many experiences where I’ve gone “Well, just because I’m not going to be with this person forever doesn’t mean we have to break up nowwwww”, then stayed with someone six months past the relationship’s expiration date because I’m too scared of hurting someone’s feelings to end it.

      There’s a difference between not knowing if a relationship will last, and knowing it won’t. One is just not being able to see the future in Technicolor. The other is knowingly keeping yourself in a situation that could make both of you unhappy and just not telling the other person.

      Your girlfriend likely already knows you’re not ready to commit. If you know that’s not what you want, it’s okay for that to be a reason to bail. Breaking up with a really cool person because you want different things is not being unkind, ungrateful, or stupid: it’s completely the opposite. Ending this relationship sooner rather than later to go live with some goats in Montana, because that’s what you want to do, will be better for both of you in the long run than going on pretending you’ll be Edie and Thea.

      • This is the pep talk I wish I could have given 23-year-old me, and then again to 24-year-old me. I’ve stayed best friends (and roommates!) with one of my exes, and haven’t talked to the other since we broke up. Ultimately, do what is going to make you happy – not what you hope will keep someone from hating you. Be kind, but do what you need to do.

  43. How do I prepare for my first A-Camp??? and what are the top few things I absolutely need to make sure I do when I’m there?

    and Vanessa, who wants questions: what is your favorite gender aesthetic/expression to inhabit? (i.e. big tiddy goth gf, tomboy femme, plant witch, etc. i love the way people describe their own aesthetics.)

    • omg ok!

      prepping for a-camp:

      – bring the clothes that bring you joy, with the knowledge that truly anything goes so if you love costumes and elaborate outfits, this is your time to shine (but absolutely no one will judge you if you wear jeans and a t-shirt every day!)
      – be as open minded as possible! it will probably be incredible but it might not be what you expect so it’s best not to expect anything!
      – say yes to as many things as you can but also:
      – make sure you make time to breath and rest and sit with your feelings so you don’t get too overwhelmed
      – def plan to go swimming (unless you hate swimming)
      – def get excited for all the dancing
      – come say hi to me at the new camper s’more campfire!!!!!!!!!

      also i identify as a bratty teen girl dirtbag femme TYSM FOR ASKING!!!!!! <3

      • i literally almost said dirtbag femme instead of tomboy femme!! i love this description and i continue to be thankful for internet culture making these a thing.

        thank you for these excellent tips! time to head to the thrift store to work on my 90s summer camp aesthetic, then. i will def be wearing cutoffs and muscle tanks much of the time, but i need to add some overall shorts and dad hats into the mix.

    • If I had to give advice to a first time camper is to go to at least one of each “kind” of activity. Do at least one crafting panel, one sports/dance/swim panel, one meditation/self improvement/feelings panel. So you get a picture of the whole experience.
      Or you can ignore all that and just hang out with your cabin mates. You do you.
      Another piece of advice: bring moisturizer and chapstick and apply it profusely

    • oh this is such a good question! maybe Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit? I read it when I was pretty young, and all I was really able to take away from it was that it was depressing – I know it would still be depressing if I read it now, but I might also appreciate it for more?

    • two or three things i know for sure by dorothy allison
      tipping the velvet by sarah waters
      the argonauts by maggie nelson

    • the moment by tc anderson which def was a rizzles fic and im actually gonna go reread it just cause of this thank youuu

      also why be happy when you could be normal by jeannette winterson bc i *know* its important and it felt important but i feel like parts of me were closed off to the good it couldve done for me you know?

      juliet takes a breath / i’ll give you the sun / we are the ants / more happy than not / last night i sang to the monster

  45. which prominent queer actors/comedians/singers/writers etc. would you say have been AS’s biggest supporters over the past 10 years, if any?

    • it depends on how you define “supporters” — i will say that tegan & sara have made themselves accessible to us from the jump, even when nobody else took us seriously enough to talk to us. they gave us interviews and exclusives and last year sponsored the all-ages pride party we do with kristin russo. they give us a lot of social media exposure as well.

      julie and brandy did SO much for us in the early years, and for free! hannah hart also gave a-camp a big boost by being a guest at several camps, which absolutely drove sign-ups, and also donating a campership & travel to us.

      financially not a lot of support BUT there are some prominent humans who are A+ members (e.g., roxane gay, cameron esposito, gaby dunn, t kira madden, emily gould, R.O. Kwan). emily m danforth always donates to the campership fund, malinda lo has also donated.

      danny ortberg gave us his coming out interview and so did lori lindsay — when ppl do that it’s a pretty fucking big deal.
      everyone involved with Vida and One Day At a Time have always been great too!

      on a higher tier of fame; lena waithe, stef beatriz, ellen page, sara ramirez, laverne cox and evan rachel wood have shown us a lot of love on social media.

      i’m sure i’m missing people!!!

      we do… sometimes wonder why some of the more famous and well-off lesbians have not donated to us tbh!

      (i’m curious how @heather would answer this question too)

      • Yeah, this is a great list of names. The financial support is huge, of course, but when it comes to pop culture another huge thing is access — even just helping us get screeners, so we can try to review things as close to timely as big mainstream sites that now write about all queer TV and movies — and helping legitimize us by tweeting at us, recommending our content, agreeing to interviews, things like that. It’s really like layers upon layers of access. It’s because Stephanie Beatriz, Lena Waithe, Tanya Saracho, Gloria Calderón Kellett, etc. push out our content that we get taken more seriously by mainstream media, which then means we get access to things like press screenings, which means we get to be included in the Rotten Tomatoes “fresh” calculation. Things like that don’t make a difference for, like, The Favourite, but they make a huge difference for movies like The Miseducation of Cameron Post. Because there weren’t nearly as many reviews, my review on Rotten Tomatoes pushed that film up to 80% on the tomatometer and that factored hugely into it getting wider distribution. And that starts with Stephanie Beatriz tweeting, “I am so honored to win a gay Emmy,” you know? I’m also always very appreciative of actors and creatives who understand that if we’re doing our jobs right and ethically, there are things about their art that we’re going to have to critique in a way that’s not just fawning,

  47. If this has already been asked and answered then please just reference above, but I have always wondered how did Autostraddle get its name? People always ask me what it means. Thanks for all the amazing work and happy 10 years!!

    • It’s actually a really boring and not entirely consequential story but here goes!!!

      In 2006, i started a personal blog that ended up getting really popular, called This Girl Called Automatic Win, which people called “autowin” for short, which’s still my handle on most platforms! Some people called me that in real life! Then I started decided to start a spin-off blog to recap The L Word, starting weekly in Season Four after doing a Season Three warmup with DVDs. At the time, i was writing a book about bisexuality, entitled “The Road Best Straddled” (a play on “The Road Less Traveled”) and so I named my L Word recap blog “The Road Best Straddled” because I was confident the inevitable wild success of the blog would serve as handy viral marketing for the book. I never finished the book, obviously, but the recaps eventually parlayed into bigger and better things. Because my blog was called Autowin, my L Word blog was quickly dubbed “Autostraddle” and it was through those recaps and this community that I met the people that helped build Autostraddle proper, the place you are right now, which launched in 2009.

  48. I am very confused about why my comments are appearing in reply to other ones – I do apologise 😞

    Heather tysm for the Do the Damn Thing series. I need to do it starting from the start.

    • right now i am only in the a-camp family band and a cure cover band (we’re called all cats are grey and we play nyc every couple of months! we’re pretty ok!). i write stuff on my own but rarely share it with other people, which i know is dumb.
      i don’t really dj is the thing! but a very good friend works at a bar and sometimes lets me come in and play music off a spotify playlist, and usually it’s a pretty good time. i do know some cool djs and very much respect what they do! i will learn how to do it properly someday.

      • oooh got you! honestly some of the best bar events Ive been to have been girls playing their spotify lists so that’s awesome. also, hoping to visit nyc in the next few months so will try to check you guys out!

        • also it’s not dumb! it’s so cool you create your own stuff at all, even if it never makes it to the light of day (although im sure a lot of us here would be so thrilled to hear your stuff)

    • Question: I always do this in my recaps but sometimes my descriptions are funny, like “Alex, Lena, and their sexual tension” instead of just literal, is that okay or is it better to just stick to the basics?

    • hey mathilde! i’ve been trying to do this with the comment awards since i began with them – do you know if it’s working like it should? or i guess what i mean is, have you read them and been able to access the text i was screencapping, do I put the text into the right spot?

      thank you so much!

  51. Everyone

    Do you have any cool ace lgtbqia folks you could tell me about?

    Also what are some cool queer podcasts to listen to? I can listen for hours at work and currently only have Nancy in my feed.

    • for podcasts, I LOVE Gender Reveal. my friend Molly hosts it and they are The Best! they’ve also had a lot of AS faves on there like Archie and Al(aina) and Gaby Dunn!

      • Gender Reveal is the BEST. Especially if you are just beginning to question your gender identity and want a quick and easy* way to go from questioning to “Oh shit I am totally trans, WELP.” Or if you are totally cis and want to be a better ally to your trans and nonbinary friends! That, too.

        *slight exaggeration

    • Contributing to this bc I listen to too many podcasts. :) Queery with Cameron Esposito (she has conversations with all sorts of interesting queer people about identity & life & work & love & so on) is excellent. Outward by Slate is also good.

  52. Hii,
    So last week my long distance gf broke up with me rather suddenly and unexpectedly. She was also supposed to come visit me today. So it’s been one week. I guess basically I was left really confused and basically accused her of being fake and lying to me since she acted happy right up until hours before breaking up with me.. But realizing that she has depression and is going through a rough time, I realize it kind of makes sense. i guess I’m still feeling hurt that rather than trying to work through this or create space, she chose to just cut me out completely. I am wondering– what does this mean? Does it mean she really doesn’t love me anymore and her feelings changed that fast? Is it really that she’s barely staying afloat and the distance was too much (even though we could have arranged to see each other every few weeks)? And, basically, I’m not over her and as I’m trying to find other women I realize I feel like I wont find anyone else that will be as sexually compatible and also I just miss her. Feeling really lost. What do I do? And also, do you think there’s any chance of us reconnecting when/if she gets out of this funk? Sorry this is so long– I’m just lost, confused, and sad.

    • hey pal — breakups are so hard, especially if you’re the breakee, not the breaker. and it sounds like there are many factors at play here, but since it’s only been a week, you’re allowed to take some time and space to breathe and think and heal. there’s no rush to dive back into the dating pool, and, frustratingly, it’s pretty difficult to look at a breakup until you’ve got a bit of space for perspective.

      i’m sorry your feelings are hurt, i definitely understand and am going through it myself! but for now, believe her when she tells you why she’s doing what she’s doing, and respect that. life is long if we’re lucky, so who knows what the future holds for you two, but i think a lot of these questions will answer themselves if you give it just a little more time.

      • HI Molly,
        Thank your for answering! I REALLY appreciate it and am grateful for your perspective. Sorry to hear you’re also going through this. Will definitely try to give it time and focus on myself in the process.
        Thanks again!

    • this literal exact thing happened to me once! i was moving cross country and my long distance girlfriend who lived in the city i was moving to dumped me 17 days before i was supposed to move, and all my friends kept being like “wow, i bet your girlfriend is SO happy you’re moving” and it was tragically just easier to smile and tell them “yeah, we’re really happy” instead of getting into the whole depressing story. it was a complete surprise and i was a goddamn mess and austen sent me an edible arrangement to try to make me feel better but instead i couldn’t eat and cried naked on my bed for like a full week.

      here’s the thing though, i know how overwhelming and awful this feeling is but you genuinely have to feel better for yourself! i did this thing where you try to pull yourself through the misery of breaking up so you can make the other person want to get back to you and i am here to report that it DOES NOT WORK.

      i cannot tell you what is going through her head but justifying it to yourself will not make you feel better.

      i HIGHLY recommend this piece:
      https://www.autostraddle.com/the-best-break-up-advice-youll-ever-get-84054/

      i also HIGHLY recommend getting mad, listening to fiona apple and watching waiting to exhale.
      i do NOT recommend asking your ex to process this with you no matter how badly you want to!
      you do NOT have to think about dating other people right now, but i would give yourself some space to deal with this very major change.
      i promise if this person is supposed to be in your life you will find your way back to each other, but you can’t do that until you’re really genuinely over it and okay. and even if it feels like you will never get over it, i promise that eventually you will be.
      in the meantime though, fiona apple, for real.

      • Thank you for your thoughtful response! Definitely trying to shift my thinking back towards myself and away from wondering about possible explanations and even the future. Mainly, at this point the pain is from missing her and wondering if we’ll ever be with each other again. But, I realize that’s unproductive and I’m super super trying. I also have leaned on my friends for support. Also, thank you for the article and Fiona Apple advice! :)

    • Hi ya, Chrissy! I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard and heartbreaking time right now. This breakup and the sudden unexpectedness of it are two completely devastating punches right in the heart. Breaks up are always terrible, but when they don’t make sense, they’re even worse. Of course you’re asking all these questions right now about whether or not she was being honest, or whether her feelings changed right away, or if the distance was taking more of a toll on her than she let on — and without her being willing to honestly answer those questions, it’s tricky to even think about closure. In my experience and observation, the best thing to do in these kinds of situations is take your ex at her word that it’s over. Maybe it’s the depression, or maybe it’s things she’s not telling you, but for whatever reason, a week before she was meant to visit you, she broke up with you out of nowhere, and however hard it is, your first act of self-care is going to be to accept that reality. It’s going to hurt a lot for a while to sit in that truth, and you’re probably going to cycle around missing her and being enraged at her, and that’s okay! But the sooner you’re able to accept her decision, the sooner you can begin that process of grief and move through it. The only way you’ll be able to start answering questions about, say, sexual compatibility is testing it out; and the only way you can test it out is to meet new people; and the only way you can meet new people healthily is to move past your ex; and the only way to move past you ex is to take her at her word that it’s over. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much and as often as you want to be with them! I’m keeping you close to my heart as you move through this tough time, and trust that the other side of it will give you some much needed answers and joy.

  53. vanessa,
    what are your thoughts about a movie as a first time hang? I met a girl at a show and we chilled while we were there. I want to see capt marvel this weekend and Im thinking I want to invite her. is that too middle school if my intention is to see if she would want to make out or something afterwards?

    also- I just want to say I relate so much to having to bounce around from place to place every year and a half or so and love all the pieces you write about it.
    it’s hard to leave community though.
    how does your intution to try something new sort of manifest in yourself even though your brain knows things are going well?

    • i am not vanessa but i am jumping in here to say that a movie as a first date is perfectly fine but should be paired with some sort of pre-movie hang like dinner/drinks/etc so you can actually have a chance to get to know each other a little bit before sitting in silence for a coupla hours

    • hi! ok my answer is biased and i’m not offering it as advice, just sharing my thoughts first — i hate movies!!! i don’t like seeing them in theaters and i rarely watch them at home and i’m weird, i know, but i just don’t like them. so a movie for a first date would not be a good plan for me.

      that said, many humans like movies just fine, and kayla is correct — paired with an activity wherein you can actually chat and get to know each other, a movie could be a lovely date. i do think a date should be about getting to know each other, so *just* going to a movie with a new date wouldn’t feel good to me, because there’s no opportunity to talk and connect etc.

      and oh man, community and moving and leaving, sigh. thank you for relating 💜 i think at the end of the day, my desire to see/do/experience something new always trumps the desire to stay, even if i’m happy and comfortable, and i think that might just be part of how i’m wired. that said, my big moves usually come at the end of something that my intuition knows needs to end, so maybe there’s some of that too — just knowing it’s time to make the jump, even if life is good.

      hope that’s helpful. good luck with your cute date!!!

      • thank you thank you! good to know that there is a possibility of someone not liking movies too!
        also, yes, very very helpful. life and intuition is just so weird and beautiful. you’re the best!

  54. Happy birthday! What’s an article for Autostraddle you wish you had the time/money/energy to write?

    • I’d love to do long form profiles? Not just of celebrities (though Lena Waithe and/or Sara Ramirez and/or Janelle Monáe give me a call), but deep dives into community stories. You know the stuff that gets saved for the Sunday New York Times? I’d love to do those kind of lovingly crafted, we have time and money, kind of detail.

    • i have a really good story about a scammer i am dying to write like 20,000 words about

  55. If you could reboot any tv series today with queer centered story/characters/narrative, what would you pick?

  56. Hey team! I saw in the header picture there is a “I support queer media” pin for A plus members…is that a new perk? How can I get one?

    • Depending on how long you’ve been a member, we added “perk” that a little while ago (maybe a year or more? I’d have to check with Riese).

      I’ve heard Riese say in the past that if you want one and are already an A+ member from before those pins came out, you’d have to email her and then PayPal Autostraddle for the shipping/handling fees.

      Hope that helps!

    • Also, thank you so much Chloe for your continued A+ support!! SERIOUSLY!!! Have an ice cream this weekend and think of how much we love you!!

    • hi! it was added maybe six months ago or so, i want to say? i would like in the future to set up a way for current members to access new perks, right now b/c it’s just lil ol me with my 10,000 jobs who handles the mailings and things have been v busy lately, it’s not feasible, but it is something i am working on and it is on my to-do list to make a good plan for it.

  57. Who’s your fantasy person to:

    Go on a roundtrip with?

    Spend one night with?

    Dance with?

  58. Have any of you wished you could just opt out of gender entirely, or is feeling that way what makes a person non-binary? Obviously there are people who don’t totally conform to gender norms, but also strongly identify as women, and I guess I’m trying to figure out what that’s like? Relatedly, I loved the roundtable where Autostraddle writers and staff talked about their experiences of being non-binary, and also the advice post back in January(?) on this same topic. If any of those people are hanging out in this thread and have other similar pieces (from this site or others!) that they could share, that would be amazing.

    And also, of course, I love this place so much so thank you for everything you do :)

    • i have deeply ambivalent feelings about my gender and have since i was a kid who didn’t understand why everybody always thought i was a boy or, more definitively, why that was supposed to bother me. i feel a VERY vague connection to womanhood but definitely not through my body or any of my body parts and have always struggled with expectations of what it means to be a woman. if i’m hanging out with a lot of very feminine women i tend to feel like a little boy? if that makes sense. a lot of what i see as everyday attire for a lot of women has felt like drag for me. i might struggle more if my body was different than it is — i’m pretty thin without significant breasts or hips. but i do feel a VERY STRONG political / historical connection to women and lesbians and so that is who i am. this is the movement and ideology i am deeply committed to and that overrides the rest of it for me. there’s a lot about non-binary narratives i relate to, but i feel absolutely no desire or impulse to identify that way myself. so idk. anyhow i think it’s possible to be a cis person who feels somewhat weird or uncomfortable about their gender sometimes! which can be weird cuz i’ll have reactions to things that don’t always fit into the narrative. but obviously as you saw on the nb roundtable everybody has a different journey.

    • WOW ROAST ME.

      um, i mean i obviously believe yes but i am very confused about currently dating someone amazing who is really nice to me and NOT freaked out by what a creep i am????
      i fully expect everything to end in complete disaster and misery and have been grappling with that a lot in recent weeks.
      i have a lot of questions, basically, is what i’m saying. i have a tendency to be competitive about how depressed i am, and i’m really not sure how to deal with being pretty damn okay lately.

      also my girlfriend is gonna start writing here soon so like, be on the lookout for that.

  60. Ok advice time please…

    For my first few months living where I am now I had a queer squad I met through a friend’s friend and we did everything together- the beach, going out dancing, dinner parties. I kinda got…Mean Girls style booted? Like I saw they all were wearing shirts I bought ~~for the squad~~ at a party I wasn’t invited to and then things majorly fizzled. (I promise I didn’t do something shitty to deserve this- I have turned it over in my head a LOT).

    Right now I’m in a place where I love my straight friends and my out of town queer friends but like…I want a squad!! I wanna go dancing and do queer shit!

    So my question is like…how do you organically cultivate a squad? Or like how do you get back in queer community without everything feeling like it’s on the precipice of a date? Idk any advice or wisdom is greatly appreciated.

    • (Hello, just popping in to say that the podcast Nancy has a four week challenge/podcast series about “how to find your gaggle” — that might be useful? — mu gf really loved it!)

    • This question has a lot of layers – first of all I wanna say I’m sorry. Being rejected by friends or having a friend break up is one of the most painful things we as humans experience, and I think part of that is because we don’t acknowledge how painful it can be. There’s a lot of literature around handling a romantic ending, but almost none about dealing with friend endings. So I’m sorry. You can grieve, and you can feel sad, and your feelings are valid. <3 Also, I’m sure you’ve thought of this/tried it already, but I invite you to try to figure things out with your old friends. If you truly have no idea what you did, it’s possible there was a misunderstanding or something more savory than just like…they’re mean and iced you out. I’m not promising you answers, or answers that will feel fair, but I think it’s worth a shot.

      As for making new friends – it can be hard or easy, depending on your social levels and how many queers live around you and also just like, luck. To be honest, going to A-Camp or a similar large queer conference can be a good way to meet a LOT of humans, some of whom will probably end up living near you (or tbh you’ll move to live near them) but obviously that’s a very expensive way to make friends. I personally have never used meet-up dot com but I’ve heard mixed reviews, some very positive, of finding queer community that way. If you have out of town queer friends they may know people in your town to introduce you to. Around Pride we’ll host some Autostraddle meet-ups in different cities, so if there’s one in yours I’d suggest going, and if you’re willing to be brave and host one, that’s a way to meet some new folks. It’s hard to answer this question without more info – I want to know where you live, what you do, if you’re introverted or extroverted, if there are a million gays or if it feels like your old pals are at all queer events/run the scene, but I think a basic beginning would be like, just put yourself out there as much as possible and let friendships form organically. The hard thing about being an adult is that people have less time than they did in high school and college, and also often are very entrenched in their lives, so it’s more difficult to have like, “a friend group” that does everything 24/7. And if you do forge that kind of bond with a group quickly you may end up realizing you’re not right for each other, or they might ghost you, or it just might disappoint in some way because it doesn’t have the foundation a group of humans you’ve been friends with for years has. Friendship and community are hard! But I believe in you, and your ability to meet the people who will feel like your true friends and family.

      In the meantime – go dancing! Do queer shit! Go to the stuff that interests you alone and keep an open mind and talk to new people and see what happens. Good luck, I believe in you <3 <3 <3

  61. Riese, Heather, everyone: Is there a piece of writing that you read long ago that has inexplicably stuck with you? Not something that was meaningful or important to you in any way, just something that you still remember and think about often, but for no real reason

    (I have two: an article about why there are lots of varieties of mustard but basically just one kind of ketchup, and a profile about a laundry startup/the ridiculousness of silicon valley)

    • yes a 2002 new york times magazine article about the journey of a stained grey t-shirt from a thrift store in Manhattan to Africa, an atlantic article from 2003 about life under Saddam Hussein, a review of max brenners’ chocolate shop from new york magazine many years ago, some article from the early days of Radar magazine (before it became a celebrity rag) about what it’s like to work at disneyworld… gosh so many!!!!

    • I read an article like 25 years ago about how Coca-Cola tastes different in every country, and why, and I think about that all the time!

      • @heatherannehogan that reminded me that the ketchup article I mentioned also discusses the way Coca-Cola tastes and how and why different colas taste different! (for different brands though, not different countries)

  62. A fun thing to do with this thread is to see a new answer in the sidebar and guess which question it’s answering

  63. Okay I was going to direct this at specific people but I want to hear from everyone actually – what is jealousy to you? I have been of late feeling things that seem like they could be jealousy but these feelings are different from what I expected jealousy to feel like. I had a revelation that jealousy is probably a combination of a lot of feelings and I want to know how you define what those feelings are!

    Ah screw it I do feel really invested in Vanessa Rachel Kayla (if you’re up for it) responding to this and also everyone else

    • oh what an interesting question! (also secretly interested in what makes our answers to this meaningful!) i think the simpsons answer/definition is that envy is when you want something that someone else has, and jealousy is when you’re afraid someone else will take what you have. i think that’s sort of true — well i mean obviously it’s objectively true, but i think you’re right and they’re connected to a lot of other, more complicated feelings. i think for myself personally, the envy/jealousy combo is often connected to some kind of feelings of shame that make it really potent — like if i’m feeling jealous of a professional success or gig i wanted for someone else, often underneath it there’s some feeling of shame that i’m not good/talented/hardworking enough to have got it myself, or if it’s interpersonal jealousy feeling shame that i’m not as good or lovable as the other person, or shame for wanting whatever it is i’m not getting in the first place. not to brené brown you but i think if you dig into a lot of negative emotions shame is at the root of them!

      • Thank you for this beautiful response! I was thinking of you in particular because you’ve been writing really lovely guides to dating recently, and also generally I think of your writing as dealing with tangled feelings inside that might feel painful or frightening or gross. You approach those feelings with a lot of compassion but also realism – almost like a tough love thing – and I find that very very helpful!

    • as the most scorpio who ever scorped i am already jealous of anyone who answers this more thoroughly than i can.

    • I love this question, because I love talking about the meanings of words. I, too, am curious why the three of us were flagged in particular!

      I think Rachel, as usual, really nailed it, especially wrt the underlying shame of jealousy. So I’m not even sure I have that much to add?

      As with most things, there is certainly a spectrum when it comes to jealousy. I think right now at this time in my life, the type of jealousy I am thinking about most often is the really toxic kind, the kind that people wield as a weapon to control and manipulate others and like! It’s Bad! That kind of jealousy is usually rooted in insecurity. Like you said yourself, jealousy is definitely a combination of feelings.

      My ex often exhibited jealousy, and it has taken me a while to accept that that said a lot more about HER than about ME. That’s another reason jealousy feels like such a slippery thing…it involves a lot of projection onto another person.

      Comparing one’s self to others does feel inherently sisyphean, but it’s also really hard to turn off, and I definitely experience work-related/success-related jealousy…which I try to just convert into ambitious energy? So that something somewhat productive or positive comes of it? Which is not me saying that jealousy is Actually Good but rather just me saying that it’s possible to distill it into something that’s going to feel less detrimental to your brain!

      • Kayla I think I knew you love talking about the meanings of words! Also honestly I thought of you because I know you’re on this intense journey around your relationship and everything you’ve written for FYC has been so powerful and vulnerable and each word feels like such a gift, and I guess I’ve just been thinking of you and the wisdom you have around difficult matters of the heart that you’ve been giving us.

    • To me, jealousy is a neutral feeling of its own, like it’s not naturally bad or mean, it just is. I feel like it lives in the same room as envy, next door to shame, and on the same floor as vulnerability (this house is….large). Since feeling jealousy is normal and doesn’t mean I’m inherently bad, I use it as a signpost that I’m not paying attention to other feelings, usually desire and shame (also close neighbors!).

      When I feel jealousy, that means it’s time for me to slow down and look at what I’m overlooking or actively ignoring. It’s usually a mix of vulnerability — “I want that and now everyone knows I want that and they’ll see when I don’t get it oh god” — and shame about my worth or abilities or value. Once I can get myself into perspective, the jealousy typically dissipates.

      • Molly this is a really helpful house image! And I think – upon reading these replies so far – that figuring out whatever it is I feel ashamed about is probably the number one useful takeaway. I always used to imagine jealousy as really simple and obvious and was quite thrown for a loop when I didn’t know what to do about it. Thanks for the advice :) <3

        (Also Vanessa if you see this, I named you because I know you casually date / are non-monogamous sometimes so I figured this might come up for you in relationships?)

        • I finally got to answer it! And now I’ve read everyone else’s answers and A. Rachel is a genius per always B. my friends/colleagues are all so smart and C. wow, lol, everyone is so much more talented at being concise than I am!!!!

      • Molly, this is wonderful and shows amazing self-knowledge and I hope to one day get this good at Feelings.

    • Hi @givingtree! I didn’t get a chance to answer this on Friday but I am answering now and I hope you will see my response, fingers crossed! Also feels important to note I am answering BEFORE reading everyone else’s answers because I don’t want my opinion to be swayed by Kayla and Rachel and everyone else’s brilliance!

      So, ok. I currently think of myself as a non-monogamous person, though not in a way where it feels like a super important part of my IDENTITY. I never identify as polyam, but I do find it important to tell dates and lovers that I’m non-monog, because I don’t plan on being monogamous again in this life. For a long time I considered myself monogamous, but again, didn’t feel like a strong identifier – it was how I practiced my romantic relationships but it didn’t feel important to announce one way or another, except to my partner at the time and anyone else who entered my sphere in a way where I had to be like “btw I have a gf and we’re monogs.” With that background – a person who used to practice monogamy and now practices non-monogamy, but doesn’t really strongly IDENTIFY one way or another is more just thinking like, how I want to structure my life and the relationships in it – what is jealousy to me.

      I used to think of myself as a jealous person. It made me really irritated when non-monogamous people talked about how jealousy is a symptom, not its own feeling, and that all truly thoughtful people could work through it. That’s such an annoying take!!! As I’ve leaned into dating non-monogamously and unpacking some of my own perceptions about what a relationship is, I haven’t found myself to feel jealousy less, but I have found myself to be less tied up in knots about it. What I mean is – jealousy exists. For me, anyway. It’s nice to feel special, it feels bad to not have your needs met, and anytime I care for someone I’d like to know they care about me in the exact same way. When someone else is in the picture it’s harder to feel certain that my feelings are exactly matched.

      But I’ve been thinking a lot about how, even when someone else is not in the picture, it’s still hard to feel certain that my feelings are exactly matched. So am I a jealous person? Or do I just want to know that when I’m investing in someone they are investing in somewhat the same way? Like, do I really care if they spend more time with their other dates / their mom / their dog / their work, or am I secretly just scared that somehow when they divert their attention away from me, they’ll realize they don’t want me at all?

      I worry that I’ve started sounding like those polyam folks who are like JEALOUSY IS FOR LOSERS, JUST FEEL COMPERSION BABE but I have to be honest, doing some deep thinking about what I actually want from my dates and (potential future) partners has made me realize that jealousy is sort of not the point, for me, right now. If my needs aren’t being met it could be for 10000 reasons – addressing that feels more relevant than being jealous of XYZ. But I totally still feel it – and it’s not a super cute feeling – but I just try to sit with it. Usually it’s like, “I’m scared this person is more desirable than me, I’m scared if my date connects with this person they will no longer wanna connect with me, I feel like I’m not enough, I feel bad.” Sometimes those thoughts are true, sometimes they’re not. Sometimes a date stops wanting to connect with me even if no one else exists. I dunno, human connection is weird and sometimes hard, but we’re all doing our best.

      Jealousy is normal and fine, lashing out because of jealousy is not ideal but happens sometimes, anyone who cares about you will want to help make you feel more secure and cared for but at a certain point that’s on you.

      Sorry for rambling so much. I hope this was somewhat helpful. Now I’m gonna read what everyone else had to say! XO

      • @floralprintdress thank you so much for this!! It’s really comforting to hear about your journey around your relationship with jealousy in particular. And I want to try to incorporate this concept that jealousy is a feeling on its own and ALSO is connected to a lot of other feelings into my understanding of my own jealousy. Wow I feel like I’m ready to take on the world thank you <3

  64. This one is a group project:

    There are 24 faces on a Guess Who board. If I re-make Guess Who for camp with lesbians and queer types, who should I include?

  65. Okay some more fun, joyful questions than my first:
    Anyone/Everyone: Favorite milkshake flavor?
    Vanessa: Did you ever go to Little Shop of Bagels in Ashland in your time in Southern Oregon? If so, how does it compare to bagels on the east coast, because in my west coast experience of bagels they are the best. If not, four words housemade marionberry cream cheese.
    Queer Girl: Are you working on a Glimmer-inspired outfit for camp yet???

    • OMG IT’S A QUESTION FOR ME <3 <3 <3

      Hi jay! this is such a good question! i appreciate you, always.

      i have stalled on the glimmer outfit a little bit because of frustration with not having glimmer's body type (a small chest), but this might be the kick i need to get back to working on it! i've seen a couple of cosplays online that are really, really good.

    • if your west coast experience is that bagels are the best i have some news for you about east coast bagels which is that you have not eaten a real bagel before.

      there is this vegan spot in brooklyn called champs that makes a birthday cake milkshake that comes with a little piece of funfetti cake as a garnish which i feel is an EXCELLENT flavor of milkshake. i think i’ve had like 3 milkshakes total in the last decade but 2 of them were that.

      • NO! NO! I know east coast has better! I meant this specific shop is the best I’ve had on the west coast! and I’m curious if its even close to an east coast bagel
        That milkshake sounds AMAZING!!

        • from what i understand it’s a difference in the water on the east coast that makes other bagels so completely different – there’s a spot near LAX that flies water in from new york to make bagels and i’ve heard that’s ok but otherwise every bagel outside the northeast is just round bread, and frankly an insult.

          please come to the northeast and eat a bagel here. it’ll change your life.

          • That’s sooo fascinating to me! Wow, food is magic! I thoroughly intend to taking a trip to the NY area for the purpose of eating pizza and eating bagels, like sure there is other stuff to see on maybe a second trip, but I’m talking pizza pilgrimage with some bagel detours.

    • Favorite milkshake flavor? Banana pudding milkshakes are my go-to at Cookout, a fast food chain across the South.

    • I am not Vanessa, but I am a born and bred New Jerseyian who went to Little Shop of Bagels in Ashland, OR six weeks ago, and it was… not great. Ashland is wonderful! Noble Coffee Roasters in particular was excellent. But Little Shop of Bagels… not so much (in my personal opinion).

      • Hmmm interesting, good to know and honestly this confirms that I need to prioritize my pizza/bagel tour trip to the east coast. We have very BAD bagels on the west coast, I know this, but Little Shop is the best I’ve ever had (if that tells you something about how bad others are around here).

    • My favorite milkshake is what they sometimes call a black & white (which sounds awful, but here we are) – anyway it’s chocolate syrup and vanilla ice cream!

    • OBSESSED with the fact that multiple people have already jumped in here to be like JAY WEST COAST BAGELS ARE BADDDDD

      1. I’ve never been to that bagel shop in Ashland! I did go to the main pizza place and it was decent.
      2. Jay East Coast bagels are going to blow your whole mind. I WANT TO EAT A RUSS & DAUGHTERS BAGEL WITH YOU.
      3. Housemade marionberry cream cheese sounds INCREDIBLE because I will tell you what, NY may have bagels but no one compares to the PNW when it comes to berries.
      4. I love a good vanilla milkshake but that vegan birthday cake situation Stef described sounds next level, too.

      LOVE U JAY <3

      • I know! I just want to know what a true bagel is!
        Well, in an ideal dream world my pizza/bagel tour will happen during the time you are living in NY and we can make that happen!!!!
        Yes, we live the best multi-berry lifestyle here! I may not know true bagels, but I do know a good berry situation
        <3

    • WHAT A GREAT QUESTION.

      Socks loves the chicken that comes inside the tacos from our local taqueria; Beth loves the chicken from the rotisserie chicken place near us called The Chicken Shack; and Dobby loves the chicken tenders that come from the deli across the street!

  67. Hello! I ended a weird situationship with my best and closest friend about a year ago, and I am NOT OVER IT, even though I want to be so badly! But I am still so sad — mostly because she’s a great person who was going through a hard time, and sort of said/did some things she shouldn’t have, but I don’t hate her and am not mad at her. I’m just.. sad. How can I be less sad and let go? I ceased contact with her altogether about 8 months ago (the same time I moved to a new, more socially isolating city), and it’s helped some, but… not enough. This feels like an excessively long time to mourn a non-relationship (even if we did discuss a future together), and I just generally feel like a crazy person! Blargh!

    • Hi Friend,

      First I just want to say that you are not alone in this and definitely not a crazy person! Some relationships just take time to mourn. And sometimes those aren’t the relationships you even expect, you know? It happens. But the cliche is (unfortunately) true that eventually time will heal all wounds. It sounds to me like you’re on that path. Just keep going.

      (More practically, I used to actively practice “re-training my thoughts” so if I felt myself thinking about this person in my life, I’d actively make my brain think about… cookies…. what I was going to have for dinner… a joke a friend said yesterday… literally anything else. It’s annoying and time consuming, but it works!)

      • Thank you! You are very kind and I appreciate your reassurances, and also your Beyonce essay was STUNNING and I still think about it sometimes!

    • i don’t think that’s an excessively long time to mourn something! I know it doesn’t help to hear, “you’re not doing ok but also this is a normal amount of time to not be doing okay,” because what you want is to do ok. ultimately, the main thing that will help is time and staying busy.

  68. Recommendations for making new friends as a 30 something married queer person in a new town?

      • PS Don’t expect to make instant friends, you might feel lonely for a while because it takes time to get to know people.
        (Occasionally you meet people you instantly connect with, but it still takes time to deepen the friendship)

    • Co-signing the suggestions above and also just noting that this has been asked in a variety of ways throughout this thread and in general so I might try to write something about this, or put together a collection of stuff we’ve already written about it, so keep an eye out for that. Also the main thing I always suggest is volunteer to host an Autostraddle meet-up! We’ve written a LOT about how to host a successful meet-up on the site and if you host one then you’re inviting a group of humans who you may get along with to come together and do a thing! At worst it’s one afternoon/evening and you don’t get anything out of it, at best you’ll make some new connections that may turn into friends! Good luck out there <3 <3 <3

  69. Best audio book for a cross country drive?

    OR

    Best podcast for a cross country drive?

    • The Harry Potter audiobooks — Jim Dale OR Stephen Fry — are masterpieces.

      • Wait…. are there more than one version of Harry Potter audiobooks! Oh man I really want to research this now!

    • I love a good pop culture podcast but when it comes to roadtrips, I prefer interview shows like Cameron Esposito’s Queery or Janet Mock’s old podcast, Never Before.

    • If you like true crime and comedy, My Favorite Murder!
      If you like musicals and hilarity, Off Boob, the improvised musical podcast!
      If you like YA pulp fiction from the 90s, Teen Creeps!
      If you like political news from smart women, Hysteria!
      if you like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffering the Vampire Slayer!
      If you like Angel, Angel on Top!

    • if you like D&D, try Critical Role! Both campaigns are amazing but the current one is chock full of good sapphic content. I prefer the video stream because they’re all gorgeous humans, but everything’s available in podcast form as well.

  71. this is for kaelyn: i know you’ve written about this to some extent, but how do you balance the desire to raise a kid who is in charge of her own body, say no when she wants to, etc. with the need to set developmentally appropriate hard limits and, ya know, parent a toddler, which sometimes means carrying a screaming child out of a grocery store?

    • Figure out which limits you really care about (get on the same page with your partner if you have one) and enforce those firmly, consistently, and calmly. Actively look for other areas where you can allow choice OR falsely create the appearance of choice (this is a huge parenting tool and I am not even sorry!).

      May you run out in the street without looking? You may not, and yes I will grab your arm to stop you if you don’t listen to me.
      Are you going to get your teeth brushed tonight? Yes, you are, and we will literally both together go to the mat with you over this. (You don’t need to know that we will, to keep from hurting you, accept “got the toothbrush in your mouth for five seconds” as good enough for tonight.)
      Are you going to get tickled? Only if you want to, and if at any point you say no or shake your head or say stop, we will stop, immediately.
      Are you going to bounce on the couch? Yep, and we’ll let you risk minor injury but stop you when it looks like a cracked skull is imminent.
      Do you get to pick your own clothes, even if everything clashes and your socks don’t match? Aww hell yeah!
      Do you have to put your clothes on before we go to the doctor? -> “Striped-hearts shirt or dinosaurs-riding-rockets shirt?”
      Do you get to throw a tantrum in the checkout line at the grocery store? Only for as long as it takes Daddy to push the cart off to the side, resignedly let the store staff know they’ll have to put it all back, and sack-of-potatoes you over his shoulder and walk out.

      Honestly…you will be fine at this, truly. You’ll learn as you go along and you and your kid will both be resilient enough to survive your mistakes. Kids feel calmer and more confident when they know what the limits and expectations are.

      Love,
      faux-KaeLyn (KaeLyn: Accept no substitutes! …except this time since she hasn’t gotten back to you yet)

    • Heeeeey! I can’t believe I missed this yesterday, @queergirl! Thanks, @iarrannme, for jumping in!

      I am so happy you asked this question and I agree with what Iarrann mé wrote. It’s not a perfect science, though, and I definitely have moments that I’m unsure about. For example, when my godmother, who I only see a few times a year, wants to smother Remi in kisses even though she’s squirming away. I usually say something like, “It’s OK if you don’t want to give NAME a kiss. Is it ok if she gives you a kiss?” She’s usually OK with that. I don’t think it always works out and I sometimes wish I was more inclined to be super firm with folks.

      When it comes to our own home, I think we’re mostly supportive of her making her own decisions about her body, but yes, there are times when there are rules that have to be followed. Like…we’re in a parking lot and you’re two years old and have a penchant to run away from us when you get excited, so you have to hold my hand. Where it gets trickier is when, for example, we’re running late and Remi just really wants to not put her jacket on, but she has to put her jacket on and we definitely are going to make her put a jacket on to go out in 10 degree winter weather. We will try to be calm and explain and negotiate to a point, but we also have a, “We make the rules” kind of parenting style and ultimately the jacket will go on the toddler or the toddler will have to go to time out for not listening. I know other parents who really do let their kids make the call in pretty much every situation. It’s not for us, but I get the thinking behind it.

      Honestly, you figure it out as you go and I’d say about this and pretty much anything I’ve learned so far–the fact that you’re even thinking about these things is 1 million times more thinking about it than most people raising kids do. Your kid is going to grow up knowing that you respect them and to have respect for themselves. You’re not going to ruin them if you don’t do everything exactly perfectly right every time.

      • @kaelynrich KaeLyn, everything I see you write about parenting makes me think you and Waffle must be great parents! @queergirl, I second KaeLyn’s point that it can be difficult to balance when to stand firm and when to give a little when someone else is involved too. I like KaeLyn’s solution – we’ve done similar things – and I’m sure that if Remi continued to show active discomfort then KaeLyn would continue to stand up for her. There are absolutely plenty of uncertain times! But you’ll get through them ok and your kid will over time absorb the lesson of the general pattern of behavior you show rather than any little imperfections in its implementation.

        Though I think “it’s the right thing to do” is enough justification for trying to raise a kid with the respect you are aiming for, there are certainly benefits to you too. My kiddo still (age 8), nearly daily, requests a tickle party – because she knows she’s in control of when it starts and stops and she can say “no neck or armpits!” and have that respected. And I can trust her – not like an adult, of course, but a lot for someone her age. (The trust thing is the more important benefit, but daily tickle parties are not to be scoffed at.)

        What is it with toddlers and jackets, seriously? “Kid, do you not remember the last forty-two times when we said it was super cold outside, and you didn’t believe us, and we went outside, and lo and behold it was in fact super cold? JACKET. NOW.” It’s that same autonomy-vs-limits thing, though; if it was going to lead to “go outside, take three uncomfortable seconds to realize it is cold, ask for jacket,” then fine, she got to make her decision and have her consequences; if it was really too cold for that to be safe, then tough beans, kid, you’re wearing the jacket.

        You’re asking the right questions, QG. You will be fine. :)

  72. I’m a 41 year old trans woman that wants to transition but I can’t find the courage to make the appointments that I need to do. Also it’s all so overwhelming because I keep thinking of how long it will take. I’m scared. I’m scared of how I will look, I’m scared of how people will react at work, I’m just scared. I’m out to my family and I have some support. I also have support from twitter and other sources. How do you find the courage to be yourself? How to you not get overwhelmed by it all? I just want to be Brandi already. <3

    • Hi, Brandi! Whatever you decide to do, I already think you’re very courageous, and you are Brandi to me.

    • @brandihillier You’re already Brandi. You’ve always been Brandi.

      I haven’t been in your situation before but after I admitted that I needed to see a counselor about my sexual assault, one thing that was immensely helpful to me was having a member of my support system make those appointment calls for me. That was such a big mountain to climb for me that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it so someone else did. I wasn’t allowed to drive myself to those appointments — my friend rightly feared I’d leave or never show up — so either a car was arranged for me or I was to take public transit.

      It’s such a help…not just in terms of getting over that hurdle but also creating an accountability system that forced me to do what I kept saying I wanted to do.

  73. Is it weird that I basically just want any dirt you’re willing to share about AfterEllen?

    PS You’re my favorite place on the internet.

    • oh g-d i don’t know where to begin but one day i will tell this story! or share the emails because they are especially nutso. it’s mostly about the shitty company that owned them and how they tried to get out of paying us money through some very bizarre maneuvers, most of the other shit i can’t say b/c it was very definitively off the record and i have to honor that, but i’ll just say that i really tried to call somebody in and it did not work!!!

  74. Also want to leave a comment saying Congrats on 10 years. I am so grateful for this website. It has definitely brought me a lot of joy and some tears because you are all amazing writers. I look forward to articles from Kayla, Heather Hogan, Laneia and the rest of you each week. Thank you Laneia for your support on twitter. <3

    • Thank you Brandi! We appreciate the love. And, as always, we are sending it right back to you! Good luck with everything, and know that your Autostraddle family is in your corner ❤️

  75. How many hours of sleep a night do you average?

    I’ve heard fisting is real but it’s scary. Can I please get further confirmation that it’s real?

  77. Happy 10th Birthday Autostraddle and Autostraddle team! Here is to many more successful, happy years!

    My question for the team: What does “Autostraddle” mean and where does it derive from? I feel a bit dumb asking this, but I’ve tried to look for the meaning with no success.

    Thanks in advance! I hope the team has a fun 10th birthday party planned :)

    • That’s not a dumb question at all! We actually get it all the time.

      The name “Autostraddle” is a portmanteau of our wonderful founder/CEO/Editor-in-Chief Riese Bernard’s original internet screen name Autowin (she still goes by this on twitter and some other places) and the title of the WordPress (perhaps Livejournal? But I think WordPress. She can correct the details on this later) blog that she had before she started this website.

      So it’s kind of a twisty origin, but I like it!

      • Thanks for the response! That’s an interesting origin (I always thought it was some lesbian/queer word that I just didn’t know 😅)

  78. I’ve been having really bad back pain for a year (to the point where if I walk 1/3 of a mile it will lock up in agonizing pain) and today my spine doctor said my MRI and x-ray are normal. And then he recommended I go vegetarian and exercise more and that my pain should improve if I lose weight and stop being depressed. And like??? I have been gaining weight and been depressed BECAUSE I can’t walk.

    SO. Do y’all have any suggestions for dealing with asshole doctors? And how to get my pain treated seriously and not just as a symptom of Being Fat? (Venting about chronic pain and dismissive doctors also appreciated.)

    • I have this problem so much. I know this isn’t always possible, and maybe it’s a luxury of living in New York, but if you can find a new doctor, I recommend it. Because after years and years of hormone problems and being told losing weight was the solution for everything from my neverending period to the time I sprained my foot (“You need to lose weight” “Okay but like I’ve been this weight for a year this is not why my foot feels broken right now can we focus on a more immediate solution”) I recently went to a new doctor and she was like, “Oh you might have x thing, let’s figure out if it’s that.” It was life-changing to have a doctor focusing on finding a solution instead of blaming all my problems on my fatness.

      Then again I’ve had this problem re: pain my whole life. I have a very high pain tolerance and it throws doctors off – to the point that once I had what we eventually figured out was pneumonia and a broken rib and my doctor told me I must be fine because I wasn’t crying. (And that was a female doctor!)

      If you can’t change doctors, I recommend just doing your best to push back. If he tells you to exercise more, tell him what you told us – that it hurts too much. If you’re not the type who can advocate for yourself well (I’m usually not) consider bringing in a friend or family member for moral support.

      I’m sorry this is happening to you, but know that you are very much not alone.

    • UGHHHHH I’m so sorry you had that experience. Definitely find a new doctor if at all possible! I know that’s easier said than done, but that doctor is going to *keep* being dismissive because of his fatphobia, and there are docs out there who aren’t assholes. (Ask fat friends for recommendations if you can.) I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which people commonly associate with being tall and thin (of which I am neither), so I’ve dealt with a lot of anxiety over people taking me seriously + a lot of people not taking me seriously. It is the pits. I have constant anxiety over being an ambulatory wheelchair user and fat at the same time. I’ve had people tell me to stop being so dramatic; I’ve had people tell me my knees would stop hurting if I lost weight; I had a wheelchair tech tell me getting an ultralight wheelchair wouldn’t matter unless I lost weight (I need an ultralight so I can lift it, not so it’s easier to push myself, and they were literally evaluating me for power assist anyway because of my joints), etc. It took a long time but I was lucky enough to find a doctor who was willing to diagnose a fat person with EDS, and he was like, “why did no one diagnose you before? you have more than enough signs to fit the criteria.”

      Honestly, my best tip for dealing with asshole doctors is to find a chronic pain community. If you hang around with other people who have chronic pain long enough, you’ll start to 1) absorb the self-confidence it takes to advocate for yourself, and 2) get lots of doctor recommendations! You’ll also just have a group of people who understand what it’s like to struggle with chronic pain, which in itself is a huge relief. I’m in a really great EDS community and it’s completely changed the way I relate to my illness and pain. Plus there are other fat people, other queer people, and lots of people who understand how hard it can be to get doctors to listen to you.

      Re: back pain, if you don’t mind me asking, is it in your lower back? Because I have a similar issue when my SI joint slips out of place; that’s actually a phrase I’ve used to describe the feeling. If your MRI and x-ray are normal, it could indicate that something is slipping out of alignment, which can cause massive amounts of pain but doesn’t always stick around for the imaging. If you also have hip pain, that’s an even bigger indication that it’s SI-related. (If so, an SI brace might be helpful in the short term to alleviate some of the pain while you look at your options.) It could be something else entirely, and I Am Not A Doctor blah blah blah, but your description of it was so intimately familiar that I figured I’d share what happens for me in case it’s familiar to you. I hope you find answers and a better doctor soon!!

      • Thank you so much! The pain starts in my lower back and then continues into my right hip and thigh (but not down to my foot). When I’m walking I’ll start to feel feel tightness, and then if I don’t stop it’s like my lower back seizes up and twists to the right. Sitting down helps, but if I can’t sit (usually because I’m walking to or from the bus and safety reasons), shifting all of my weight to my right leg helps?

        I also get random warm spots on my right calf. And my hamstrings are ridiculously tight all the time which I recently learned is not normal?

        And I’m definitely looking for other doctors starting tomorrow. Today was mostly just a day for angry crying it seems.

        • … What does it feel like on your hip when it slips out of place?

          I had been going to physical therapy and it had been helping but then they had me do an exercise called a clam shell stretch (where your legs are bent and then you open and close them like a clam shell) and then the pain got worse again. And they referred me back to the spine doctor.

          When I did that stretch I felt a popping in my right hip, and then it was like… achy? Like when your knee or elbow are wrong and you have to stretch extra hard to pop it back. Is that similar to your SI thing?

          • I totally recommend physiotherapy for this kind of thing if you can afford it. My shoulder and hip pain are finally manageable because my physio is great and I’ve been so happy with my progress from strengthening muscles that support my joints and mobilising my joints myself at home. I apparently had very poor muscle tone in specific areas and that’s something that wouldn’t show up on xrays or MRIs but it was also meaning I often couldn’t walk or sit. My pain while walking used to be literally every step, and now it’s totally gone 99% of the time. That’s only from exercising other muscles! It’s like magic how our bodies work as a team. I hope you can find someone who listens and will work with you to find immediate solutions that will help you feel better now.

            Your physio will also be able to tell you if they think your issues could better be addressed by a doctor and I don’t want to discourage you from seeking that kind of help as well, but I just wanted to say my physio helped me have less pain when I had just accepted that that pain was a permanent feature of my life. It’s been enlightening in the best way!

          • Alyx, you may want to be evaluated for hypermobility (and possibly EDS, which has a hypermobility type). It sounds like your joints are having subluxations, a partial dislocation that’s typical of joints with loose ligaments. The sentence “when your knee or elbow are wrong and you have to… pop it back” is so typical of hypermobility that I want to laugh, not at you but because you sound exactly like me before my diagnosis, so it’s like talking to my past self! It’s such an innate urge when you can tell a joint is “wrong” and you just kind of pop it back in, so the thought never occurs that it might not be normal. I know this is a lot, especially for a comments section, and I don’t want to overwhelm you, but I remember how much it sucks to not have answers so I hope this is helpful and not Too Much.

            The pain going from your lower back down your right leg sounds like sciatica to me, so I would recommend finding a massage therapist who is experienced with treating that and helping to loosen those muscles without stretching or harming the ligaments. Sciatica is a common thing for people who sit a lot, but it’s got some established treatments that help a lot once you figure out what it is. A back brace/SI belt might help with that as well, especially since a loose SI joint can exacerbate it.

            (again, feeling the need to post the I Am Not A Doctor disclaimer; I’m not trying to diagnose folks on the internet, but when you have a disorder that a lot of doctors think is more rare than it is, it often falls to us to tell each other to get evaluated!)

            Best of luck, dear! ❤️ you’re welcome to DM me if you want, or tell me to fuck off if this is indeed Too Much :)

        • I also get lower back pain and I recently discovered (via an excellent massage therapist) that it’s because my hamstrings are too tight. I’ve been working on stretching them and my back pain is so much better. And recently a physical therapist figured out why my knees always hurt (and have hurt since I was a kid), after more than 5 regular doctors mis-diagnosed me over the years or gave me the incorrect advice. I think massage therapists and physical therapists are the route I would recommend for this type of thing, as it’s helped me a lot.

  80. Am I the only person that can rewatch a movie, sometimes even a snippet of a scene in a movie for a fleeting nuance or mood? I’ve been rewatching a lot of 90s movies lately. Thinking of Frankie and Johnny especially. And there is just something about Michelle Pheiffer and a hint of vulnerability around her mouth that drives me crazy… Sigh.

    • I only watch The Hours for that one moment between Julianne Moore and Toni Collette and the absolute hEARTBREAK in the moment after / i am the most annoying person to watch movies with because i need SILENCE when the fleeting moment is about to happen

  81. Hey!
    If y’all are still answering questions;
    I’m having a hard time with my writing classes. I’m trying to get better but it feels like I’m not being critiqued in a way that’ll help me write better for me, but in a way that’d help me get better for them. My professor talks about writing to your audience “Audience” and my Audience is people like me; so Queer Black Trans folk, but I’m the only black person, and the only trans person in my class, (and one of the three queer people that I know of) so my class isn’t my audience so I can’t write with them in mind and I always get a lot of questions about what I’m writing that I feel like explaining would mean I shifted my audience to the class. My professor also uses a lot of technical terms that I don’t really understand, so I feel like I have to play catch up (what the hell is a disguised eye? Collage essay?!). With the one piece of mine that my professor had liked, I felt like I was writing to her, and I intentionally did it just to prove to myself that I could, but it felt empty. My question is, how much do I trust myself, and how much do I trust my professor? Is that empty feeling supposed to be happening? Also, how do I get better at writing outside of classroom, (my uni doesn’t really have workshop groups or anything that feels right, and I don’t have a car so I can’t drive to Dallas or anywhere that has that). I’m just kinda feeling scared about the whole writing thing. What if I’m just not good enough?

    • nel i’m just piping in as a former creative writing student, to say it sounds like your instructors are failing you! you should absolutely trust yourself. your instructors are just people paid to do a job, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to do it well, or well for every student.

      i don’t have a lot of other advice for you, except to seek out and read the writing that is written for you, and for the audience you want to write for. trust your feelings about that writing – what it teaches you, how it makes you feel. let that writing, those writers, inform your own writing. no one’s going to give a shit about phrases like “disguised eye” after you graduate.

      i’m sorry school is sucking. i wish you had professors who were better at letting you write to your own experience, and to the audience that matters to you.

      • Thank you so much. I’m reading more and it’s been really helpful, like you said. I hope I have better professors (for me) soon. I have Autostraddle though!

        Thank you!

    • this is such a good question nel! it’s a hard balance, because i think in general the answer is absolutely “trust yourself,” but also you want to get something out of being in a class setting at all, i’m sure, and if literally no one else in your class is able to see what you’re trying to speak to in your work then it can feel pointless. for me, it was a real turning point in my writing education when i gave myself permission to stop caring about the feedback of the people who clearly didn’t or couldn’t understand what i was trying to do (usually men), or give myself permission to care only about the things i did think they had some insight into (like structure or language, etc). it sounds like your professor’s feedback is really unhelpful, and while being critical isn’t a problem, if they don’t understand on a fundamental level what your project is, criticism is just frustrating. if you think she would be receptive, it might be helpful to have a one on one meeting with her where you show her work that’s representative of what you’re trying to do and that you like to read, and explain that feedback is helpful but that you feel like you’d like support with what you’re trying to do more specifically. if she isn’t receptive, which could def be the case, i think you can think carefully for yourself about what you COULD get out of this class — learning more about technical stuff, so you can apply it your own way later? learning about structure or craft based on what you like or don’t like in other people’s work?

      as far as getting better at writing outside the classroom, it really is all about reading and writing as much as possible! honestly workshop groups or other people might not even help as much as giving yourself space to play around and try new things without the looming criticism, and reading widely. what does “good enough” even mean, you know? you can let someone else decide to reject you; you don’t have to do it yourself.

      • Taking the technical skills is what I’ve been trying to do. Thank you! I’ll try to experiment, and try, and fail, and have things been imperfect.

        Thank you for taking the time.

    • I second what queer girl said!
      I also was a creative writing major and had a few classes that felt like the critiques were always misguided and steering me away from my purpose/audience and my entire grad school experience has felt like that too. It is amazing that you know your audience and know the kind of writing you respond to/want to create. The people in your class don’t fit into that picture and it doesn’t sound like they are even willing to try to expand their viewpoint/figure out what you need. Maybe in workshopping settings clarify what it is you are hoping to get from your classmates/professor, tell them you want to work on [x,y,z]. If you make those things you are asking for more technical or objective, it could be easier to brush off the excess feedback that doesn’t resonate with your work. I can hardly remember any of the technical terms I learned in school, but what I do remember are the examples and the feeling/effect in the writing. Reading the work from the communities you hope to write for/with can help fill in that missing community feeling.
      I’m sorry your classes aren’t providing you what you are looking for. That empty feeling isn’t supposed to be happening, but the sad truth is that it is common. Trust yourself, trust your gut feelings, good luck

      • Oh gosh, thank you so much.
        I appreciate the validation and advice.

        Thank you!!!

    • homie, you are most definitely good enough, sometimes academia is really intent on not understanding marginalized voices and that is not your fault, and any teacher/class that has you doubting your ability to do this just isnt doing what they’re supposed to

      so, as i answer, keep in mind i havent gone to college for writing or like at all, but! from the literary community ive been surrounded with, which i think they’d be part of your audience, i think they’re looking for heart more than technical stuff and youve got that in spades / when i was writing for audiences that i didnt want to entertain i def felt empty and sometimes, even though its awful to say and you dont have to go this way, sometimes you write shit to get the grade and get out. there are plenty of works ive done that for, schoolwise, and i definitely get not wanting to feel that all the time but i also want you to be careful about going up against people who may be intent on misunderstanding you. so like, please take rachel’s advice first, and meet with your professor and see how that goes, but also know that if they arent open to understanding you, then they dont deserve you always giving them your best and truest work and thats on them, theres no fault on you for that

      if you want writing resources i use then im happy to share them. i know college def affords opportunities and resources you wouldnt otherwise get so you may already have them, but just offering it nonetheless!

      the best thing thats always helped me is taking workshops with writers i admire and workshopping w groups i trust. winter tangerine is a huge reason im the writer i am today and their workshops are usually some of the strongest/most accessible especially to BIPOC/LGBT+ writers and artists / and ive got a list of in person workshops/writers i follow who inform my work/create my community and i guess the thing is joining groups online and in person if you can ./that being said, ive also lead workshops and if youd like im totally open to being part of your writing community. what ive read from you so far has been amazing and please know you are good enough to do this and we need your voice out here

    • @severus, hi! I majored in creative writing – fiction and poetry in college and I don’t know WTF a “disguised eye” is. Maybe my program was subpar or maybe it literally does NOT MATTER.

      I took a writing class when I first moved to my city and I was the only person under 40 (and I was in my early 20’s), presumably the only queer person and definitely the only person of color. These other guys were writing about, like, riding on a train and looking at the clouds and I was writing about fisting, so…it was not a good fit. I stopped after the second class and got a refund on my class fee.

      My best workshops have been with other feminists and queer folx, mostly groups we just put together amongst ourselves. I honestly really miss having a workshop group, but writing for AS is the next best thing. Everyone thinks they are not good enough. The trick, which I have yet to learn, is to allow yourself to believe you are good enough and you don’t need anyone else’s approval to write.

      Lastly, I’m sorry that your teacher is and is allowing your peers to make your workshops about explaining your identities and experiences to them. You should be getting feedback on your craft, which requires a great deal of emotional energy even when it’s helpful. You shouldn’t have to be wasting that emotional energy doing the labor of teaching people about queer and trans and Black histories and cultures and basic info that is their job to figure out. I think that often becomes the thing when you’re the only person of a particular or multiple marginalized identities in a workshop and it really sucks. You shouldn’t have to justify yourself that way and you shouldn’t have to waste time on it in your workshop time. You deserve better. You will find better outside of this.

      I have to ask, what kind of writing do you do? There’s this really excellent retreat specifically for queer and/or trans women or nb people of color in my city. It’s affordable, it’s legit, and it’s really inclusive. https://www.pinkdoorretreat.com/ If you can swing it, you should totally apply! I think you’d love it!

      • YES PINK DOOR IT TOTALLY CHANGED MY LIFE they are some of the best people/writers/creators ever and i second trying to get there if you can!

  82. I often crush on friends, over time I’ve gotten better(?) at it, meaning I’ve been able to manage my feelings/expectations and not disrupt the friendship but haven’t really been super direct about my other not-platonic feelings (basically just waiting out the crush until something happens that makes it clear its not possible). But knowing myself I feel like if I ever do get into a relationship it seems more likely to happen with a friend/someone I know than someone I’ve met and there’s mutual interest from the start. How do I know if a friend crush could be more? Is this a situation of I’ll know when I know/if it’s gonna happen it’ll happen? I wish I could be more assertive about my feelings.

    • What Does Your Preferred Bobbi Say About What Kind of Queer You Are?

      30 Days of Bobbis

  84. If someone made an Autostraddle movie who would would you cast to play the AS team?

  85. I signed up for A+ a few months ago and had previously had it but stopped subscribing for varies money reasons. But I was wondering if because I resigned up (years later) I still get swag? And if so is there a way to update my address??

  86. I’m completely in love with my best friend (a woman) and she is married to my other best friend (a man). He absolutely knows about our relationship and we’re very ethically agreeable about the non-monogamy, etc. I am currently tortured, however. I would never ask her to make a choice, out of love for him and her. But, I have a lot of qualms and lots and lots of feelings.

    What do I do with thoughts like: “but I want her all to myself” “this may not be sustainable because this isn’t working for me” and “well, I love her madly and this is all I can have and well, that’s better than not having anything at all, so I’m stuck because it’s not gonna be a friendship if this ends”? The primary is priority problem.

    And what to do with the lingering feelings of guilt and shame, and the real possibility of being found out because this generally a really frowned on, scandalous, and not cool situation in my family, social circle and geographic location (heavy red state).

    Please, anything. Whatcha got? Kinda dying here.

    Thank you thank you! You have my eternal gratitude for any helpful words you send. Mwah!

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