TikTok’s Lesbian Lumberjack Out-Chops Captain America WITH A SWORD

Long ago, when witches ruled the world, and magic danced among us, mischievous and free, a prophecy was spoken. Its fullness has been lost to fire and time, but the sentiment has passed from generation to generation, to those whose curiosity could never be quenched, who still sense the promise of enchantment on moonbeams. A woman, a lover of women, will raise her sword and cleave timber in two, and with it, the illusion of archaic masculinity.

Captain America chopping wood and also ripping a log in half with his bare hands

These men, these titans of strength, have presented themselves, again and again, and in the present day, their power has been distilled and nourished in one man. His ass, America’s. His name, Captain Steve Rogers. To demonstrate his worth, he brought his axe to bear on tree after tree, ripping logs in halves with bare hands when tools were scarce and warmth was needed. It seemed, in the wake of his displays of power, that the prophecy would, once again, pass by a generation. What woman, what sword, could challenge such biceps, such vigor?

But, lo! What brawn from yonder TikTok breaks! A woman clad in the traditional garb of women-loving-women, a tank top and beanie, a waist-tied flannel, a feety-pajama, trudging through snow to rip thickets in twain. She drank from the chalice of maple syrup. An axe? Yes. A sledgehammer? Indeed. Hatchets, saws, splitting wedges. Alas, no sword — thus the prophecy remained in tact, untouched, though the lumber around her was felled and split for all the world to see.

Nicole Maple Coenen chopping wood on TikTok

A rumble of earth. A whisper on the breeze.

A blade is forged
Placed in a box
Gay lumberjack
An arctic fox 

Though heroes through time have faced demise, thwarted in perpetuity on the cusp of unseating a sword from a stone, she removed it from its pedestal as a knife from butter. With rascality in her smirk and impishness in her eyes, she raised the blade above her head and brought it down upon the log. Sliced! Split! Hewed asunder! The prophecy fulfilled!

Nicole Maple Coenen chopping wood on TikTok WITH A SWORD

Farewell, Captain America! Farewell, men! A new day of lesbian lumberjacks has dawned! Witches, rejoice! Our time has come!


Before you go! It costs money to make indie queer media, and frankly, we need more members to survive 2023As thanks for LITERALLY keeping us alive, A+ members get access to bonus content, extra Saturday puzzles, and more! Will you join? Cancel anytime.

Join A+!

Heather Hogan

Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her wife, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 1532 articles for us.

23 Comments

    • Hey! I love your avatar! I created a bunch of lesbian lego figures too! I just combined the faces that looked more feminine with the torsos that were dressed in masc clothing. It was awesome! I played – I mean – was creative with them for hours! I even did an extensive photo shoot of all of the figures and a first date story line with two of the figures that included a moped, sex in a NYC studio apartment, and an annoyed cat.

  1. I just want to say that I’ve tried to chop and split wood with an axe several times in my cabin experiences and it is not easy!!!!! And to do it with one blow using a sword?!?!?!?!

Contribute to the conversation...

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!