The Top 10 Republican Candidates as Horror Villains Based on Their Performance Thus Far

Last night, ten Republican candidates — fourteen if you count the undercards — duked it out on CNBC’s stage, largely to our horror. This debate was ostensibly centered around economic policy, and most of the questions were focused on that subject (with some notable exceptions — fantasy football???). However, the content of the debate itself was all over the road, including discussion of whether climate change is real, “PC culture,” Donald Trump’s wall and its proposed “big, fat beautiful door,” and whether Marco Rubio’s book is available in paperback (it is). It’s hard to know what to take away from the evening. Trump wasn’t as dominant a presence as he has been in past public performances; many hoped that Ben Carson would be forced to clarify his confusing and seemingly contradictory platform, but he largely did not. As is virtually always the case, only a portion of what was said on stage was remotely true — check out the fact check here. Rubio, Cruz and Christie are being tapped by many media outlets as having standout debate performances, but the fact that all three are being talked about rather than one frontrunner is telling.

Anyhow, I don’t think that there was much revealed about any of the candidates that’s really new information for anyone, so here’s what I think the candidates should dress up as for Halloween based on their campaign performances thus far. If you missed the debate itself, congratulations, and here’s the transcript.


Jeb Bush: Zombie

Once considered one of the leaders of the pack, Jeb’s (Jeb!’s) debate performance was more stumbling about aimlessly with some sepulchral moaning. Maybe his most memorable moment of the night was when he tried to dunk on Marco Rubio for his absentee performance as Senator and then had it backfire when Rubio pointed out Bush’s affinity for other absentee senator John McCain. Womp womp. Perhaps he can be charitably rescued and kept on a leash in someone’s backyard. They can feed him ground chuck and use him to scare intruders away.

Rand Paul: Invisible Man

Did you know Rand Paul was in this debate? I know, wild! I feel like I only remember him talking twice? Looking at the transcript shows that he spoke with more frequency than that, but not particularly memorably. Should we wrap him in bandages or make him wear a trench coat? How will we keep track of him? Does anyone know for sure where he is right now?

John Kasich: Wolfman

Seemingly harmless with a kindly demeanor to some, John Kasich transforms into a monster while in political office who wants to cut education spending, repeal the ACA, and ban abortions after 20 weeks. He doesn’t even need to wait for a full moon! Spooooooky!

Ted Cruz: Count Chocula

Come on! Look at them! Seriously though, Ted Cruz can I think sometimes seem sort of cartoonish, but it would be unwise to forget that he is a bloodsucking horrorshow. He is insidious and if you aren’t careful you will find him leaning over you in your bedroom with his fangs out, opposing net neutrality and rights for undocumented immigrants!

Ben Carson: Dr. Frankenstein

Truly a case study in how the same person can be seemingly brilliant (a literal brain surgeon! And/or gifted old-timey mad scientist!) while also chillingly wrongheaded (implying vaccines may not be necessary! people can be “turned gay!” bringing reassembled bodies back to life is a good idea! And so on).

Donald Trump: Michael Myers

Because his backstory doesn’t make a ton of sense unless you decide to buy that people can just be purely, fundamentally evil and also he keeps! coming! back! against all reason! How long can this franchise last! It strains belief!

Carly Fiorina: The Other Mother from Coraline

She can say everything you want to hear and can even seem reassuring, but she is FULL OF LIES. Women didn’t disproportionately lose jobs during Obama’s term, and our tax code is not 73,000 pages long, and Carly Fiorina is not your real mom and she doesn’t love you.

Marco Rubio: Patrick Bateman

Marco Rubio has it so together that it makes me worry that he’s actually a total mess. All of his answers to every question are so rehearsed it seems like he got a transcript of the debate beforehand, and also his face is very shiny and composed at all times; I suspect his skincare regime is both glorious and creepy. Are his business cards in eggshell or cream? What are his thoughts on Huey Lewis and the News? I hope we never find out!

Chris Christie: The Mayor from Buffy

I don’t know, I just really feel a resemblance. So affable in so many ways, and then behind the scenes he’s molding Faith into a ruthless machine of evil and/or trying to bring about the end times. Christie didn’t get a ton of talking time this debate, but when he did have the floor he managed, as is his custom, to be both slick and likable. He is crafty and powerful, and it will take the cooperation of all of Sunnydale to defeat him.

Mike Huckabee: Pennywise

Mike Huckabee does a lot of work on his image as a down-home fun-loving chucklehead with enough grandkids to form a traveling basketball team and a lot of love for America. He also went for some knee-slappers this debate; when candidates were asked to open with explaining their greatest weakness, Huckabee answered “I don’t really have any weaknesses that I can think of… But my wife is down here in the front, and I’m sure, if you’d like to talk to her later, she can give you more than you’ll ever be able to take care of.” Ha! Ha ha. Jokes aside, Mike Huckabee wants to reverse the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage, ban all abortion, and legally protect citizens who use deadly force against other citizens. Mike Huckabee lives inside a stormdrain and your nightmares and is also a large demon entity and he wants to eat you alive.

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Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1142 articles for us.


  1. Rubio as Bateman is so accurate that it is legitimately freaking me out. I didn’t think it was possible to be more terrified of the guy who said “the Republican Party is blessed to have ten great candidates.”

  2. Rachel you are such a genius. These are all so spot on! Ted Cruz as Count Chocula! Carly Fiorina as the Other Mother! And especially Donald Trump as Michael Myers! Perfect!

  3. On one hand, I want to lol, share this with everyone ever, and lol some more. On the other, I want to crawl under the covers and hide from how true this is.

    Sidebar: As a reluctant Jersey girl and Buffy superfan, the Christie comparison is just too apt.

  4. Looove this! I just wish after Halloween they’d all fade away as well, but sadly it looks like they’re in it for the long haul.

  5. I’m really concerned that none of these people took eighth-grade government class in middle school. The executive branch can’t reverse Supreme Court decisions OR repeal legislation, yet they’re making promises to do both. And basic facts…do they intentionally lie, or are they just so disconnected from reality that they think these things are true? Ben Carson is a doctor who implied vaccines aren’t necessary!!

  6. Sometimes people are like, “why do you like autostraddle so much,” and now instead of using my own words I can just send them this article.

  7. As somebody who grew up under the reign of Governor Huckabee, I can tell y’all this is the nicest assessment of him I’ve ever read.

  8. Rachel you missed the 2nd most important detail as to why Trump is totally Michael Myers.
    The hair.

    Other than that perfection.

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