1. I’m just gonna open my mind and my legs and see what happens.
2. I just woke up so I still need to masturbate, smoke, and make coffee–not in that order.
3. Apparently there is only one kind of dental dam. Ugh. I can’t do that again. If they can make ultra-thin sensitive ribbed hot-cool condoms for men, why can’t they at least make something for women that doesn’t feel like half of a bondage experiment gone wrong?
4. I can’t imagine what she would say, you know? I’d be so offended if I were a guy. ‘You broke my hymen with your bent penis! I hate you!’
5. I’m kind of glad you still have that scar from when my dog bit you.
6. We need to talk. I was shocked and heartbroken that my psychiatrist was right about you.
7. Me: Oh cry me a fucking river.
Her: Baby, I made you come a fucking river.
8. Why can we act like we’re in a relationship but the second it’s defined as a relationship beyond friendship, it’s suddently like our Personality Disorders do all the relationship stuff and send us to different islands in the Caribbean. And we come home, like pet owners who allowed their stoner cousin to dog-sit, staring at the chewed up furniture and drool and screaming “what have you done??”
9. Adam Lambert is good drunk/Ambien fuck music. Lotta rhythm. In my underwear.
10. Me: The only thing going on tonight with a no-drink minimum is the fisting workshop.
Her: Wait, isn’t there a new season of Intervention?
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.