The Ten Greatest Things My (Ex)Girlfriend Ever Said to Me

1. I’m just gonna open my mind and my legs and see what happens.

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2. I just woke up so I still need to masturbate, smoke, and make coffee–not in that order.

3. Apparently there is only one kind of dental dam. Ugh. I can’t do that again. If they can make ultra-thin sensitive ribbed hot-cool condoms for men, why can’t they at least make something for women that doesn’t feel like half of a bondage experiment gone wrong?

4. I can’t imagine what she would say, you know? I’d be so offended if I were a guy. ‘You broke my hymen with your bent penis! I hate you!’

5. I’m kind of glad you still have that scar from when my dog bit you.

6. We need to talk. I was shocked and heartbroken that my psychiatrist was right about you.

7. Me: Oh cry me a fucking river.
    Her: Baby, I made you come a fucking river.

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8. Why can we act like we’re in a relationship but the second it’s defined as a relationship beyond friendship, it’s suddently like our Personality Disorders do all the relationship stuff and send us to different islands in the Caribbean. And we come home, like pet owners who allowed their stoner cousin to dog-sit, staring at the chewed up furniture and drool and screaming “what have you done??”

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9. Adam Lambert is good drunk/Ambien fuck music. Lotta rhythm. In my underwear.

10. Me: The only thing going on tonight with a no-drink minimum is the fisting workshop.
      Her: Wait, isn’t there a new season of Intervention?


Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.


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Lizzie has written 2 articles for us.

40 Comments

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    No.8 story of my life…and the odd formspring friday request… solution…be in a year long ‘not’ relationship, where you define all the things you are not instead of figuring out what you are.

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    The best thing my ex ever said to me was “Goodbye”. This was amazing the second time around! Looking forward to more of your brilliance!

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    hahaha YES. I was waiting for this to be posted so I could share it with the friends I bragged to it about haha. Laughing so much right now.

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    I would feel weird saying thanks, since it’s stuff I didn’t say (except for those two lines) but I am really glad you guys find it funny and/or relatable. I made it for camp because I felt it was a safe space and we can bond over being crazy queers.
    (Or at least dating them.)

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    Ahhh, Lizzie, your act was so hilarious and you’re so adorable! I’m delighted that we can now relive your part on this site with everyone =D

    Also, I loved that you came up to me after the Talent Show: “You were amazing!” “What! No, YOU were amazing! Omigod.”

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    My ex made me a mix CD after I broke up with her to basically tell me through song how she was right and I was wrong, and also how much of a bitch I was. The most fucked up part? I ACTUALLY LISTENED TO IT.

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    #8 just happened. Glad that shits over! Guess that’s what happens when you start with #1.

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    Number two has pretty much been my routine since I was fifteen. Top it off with a shower and brushing my teeth and I’m good to go.

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