The 16 Best Faces Kate McKinnon and Ellen DeGeneres Made While Being Held Hostage in a Car by Jerry Seinfeld

If you’re unfamiliar with the viral internet sensation Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, here’s the basic deal: Jerry Seinfeld — one of the world’s richest comedians, of Seinfeld fame — takes a fellow comedian of his choice for a spin in a vintage car. Then, they get coffee. And that’s it! That’s the whole show!

It’s a bit like Inside the Actors Studio? But, with Jerry asking whatever is on Jerry’s mind. What’s on the mind of a wealthy, cis, straight man is the LAST THING I CARE ABOUT in 2018, and guess what? Jerry Seinfeld is no exception to that rule! Any survivor of the ‘90s can tell you, Seinfeld famously built his comedic empire on a whole lot of “nothing.” Apathy is the name of his game, but man, rich men being apathetic in 2018 is a pain.

After nine seasons at Crackle, Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee got a fancy Netflix facelift. Part of that facelift includes LESBIANNNNNS!

New episodes dropped this month. One has Jerry having iced tea with the head of the lesbian mafia, the one! the only! Ellen DeGeneres! Another leaves him zipping around New York with everyone’s favorite girlfriend — who also happens to do a killer Hillary Clinton impression on karaoke night — Kate McKinnon! They both look about as excited to be in a car with Jerry Seinfeld as I would be!

Here are the best faces Ellen and Kate made while being trapped in a car with this guy. This dialogue is 100% real.


Jerry: Your talk show… you couldn’t have imagined that it would be as successful as it’s been.

Ellen:


Jerry: Wow. Nobody would believe that you really talk like this.

Kate:


Jerry: What would you like your appeal to be? What would you like people to think when they see you?

Ellen: That I’m a good person. That I’m a nice person.

Jerry: No one’s paying to see a nice person.


Kate: Are you here? Should I, like, come to the car?

Jerry: I would appreciate it if you were not so suggestive in the white-hot radioactive sexual misconduct rodeo world we now live in.


Ellen: When I lost my sitcom, I didn’t work for three years solid until I got the talk show.

Jerry: So when you say you “weren’t working,” what were you doing?

Ellen:


Jerry: The thing that really intrigued me about you is that you went to Columbia.

Kate: I did mostly puppetry.

Jerry: What do you think about a ventriloquist dummy that’s a paraplegic?

Kate:


Ellen: The world is such a scary place right now, in so many ways. It just overwhelms me with dread. Do you ever like, go to those places?

Jerry: No.

Ellen: You don’t?

Jerry: No. My attitude is that each generation kinda gets this thing dumped in your lap to deal with.

Ellen: When I talk to your kids, I’ll ask them what they think.

Jerry: I don’t really care what they think.

Ellen: That’s… my point.


Kate: Parallel parking on the right side of the road? God, you’re a man. You’re a real man.


Jerry: I know that you don’t like men, but even if you did…

Ellen:


Jerry: What did you do when men were attracted to you? How did you handle that?

Kate:


Kate: I wore a pair of SpongeBob SquarePants pajama bottoms, clogs, and a hand-me-down hooded sweatshirt. I gave myself my own haircuts. And that’s when I looked the best!

Jerry: But you wanted girls to like you.

Kate: That’s fine for them! That’s the secret.

Jerry: That’s the most attractive aspect of this lifestyle that I did not know about.


[Jerry Seinfeld’s philosophy on how celebrities should treat fans]

Jerry: What do you owe? Your show was free. You gave these people a show for free. I don’t understand. What is this “owe”? Quite frankly, I gave you something. If anything, now you owe me something!

Kate:


Jerry: [I kid you fucking not, he makes a joke about domestic violence.]

Ellen:


And finally… I present to you: “When Your Host is a Wanker and You Get Him Back, A Play in Two Parts.”

[Ellen steals Jerry’s car keys]

[Jerry visibly panics]

Ellen: It was to teach you a lesson! I could’ve let that go for longer.

Jerry: If you had any balls, which you don’t.

Ellen: … I should’ve let it go really, really long.

Jerry: I don’t think that was going anywhere funny.


If you want to partake for yourself, the new season of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (called “2018: Freshly Brewed”) is on Netflix right now. Ellen’s episode is #3, “You Said It Wasn’t Funny.” She talks about her first stand up, being the first woman comedian invited to sit at the desk with Johnny Carson, and re-discovering joy after her girlfriend died in a car accident (which is something I previously didn’t know about her!). Kate’s is episode #10, “Brain in a Jar.” She gets in deep about physics, environmental science, and the Coriolis Effect (that’s what makes your toilet flush backwards!). She also impersonates Jessica Lange in American Horry Story and mimes a dog taking a poop on the sidewalk.

Until then, tag yourself in the comments! I’m Ellen laughing my ass off at Jerry not finding his keys.


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Carmen is a black Puerto Rican femme/inist writer. She claims many past homes, but has left the largest parts of her heart in Detroit, MI, Brooklyn, and Buffalo, NY. There were several years in her early 20s when she earnestly slept with a copy of James Baldwin’s “Fire Next Time” under her pillow at night. You can find her on twitter, @carmencitaloves.

Carmen has written 80 articles for us.

49 Comments

  1. I do like the concept of driving around, drinking coffee and having a bite. But yeah, this show is really white straight rich dude. I saw all the episodes with the exception of C.K. Louis, cause who needs that. I hoped season three was going to have more woman than Kate and Ellen, and I was totally disappointed. Meanwhile, he gets Alex Baldwin for the second time. Every time I played the next episode I kept thinking: another white dudes opinion, we could have had Tig, Wanda Sykes, Ali Wong, etc. etc.

    Dave Letterman latest show on Netflix is the same thing. Obama’s episode was good, Clooney’s one surprised me a lot. I expected lots of superficial Hollywood things but it focussed on refugees. I was embarrassed about some questions Dave asked Malala, like wtf dude? When Tina Fey episode was on, Dave commented he never thought about diversity on his old show. But it’s not like he’s improving it either with this new show…I haven’t seen the last episodes. Howard Stern and Jerry Seinfeld…sighhh Also, Jay-Z looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

    Netflix should put a strong diversity clause in contracts, but they ain’t much better either themselves. At least not in the stand-up comedy category. I’m still waiting for that article that explains to me why Netflix emails and notifies me about the latest male stand-up, but Nanette I had to search for because it didn’t show on my front page, notifications or in an email.

    • For some reason Netflix has my preferences dialed in. I’m not sure how to manipulate it though. Nanette showed up as #1 for me in recommendations. They also almost exclusively recommended shows that are mentioned on AS. I almost exclusively watch shows with queer content though. I share with a guy who likes comedy and documentaries but we use the two different profiles.

  2. Maybe it is the Jew in me, but I have always liked Seinfeld, a friend recently shattered that when she was telling me he was 17 year olds when he was in his 30’s in the 90s, which is disgusting. But, he’s also introduced me to how high five can be problematic, and he a sweet personal car collection(some were featured on the show) that I would not mind having. I do agree that he should have more lesbians, and maybe he will do (separate) episodes with Rhea and Cameron.

  3. as a queer jewish femme this kind of stuff makes
    me angry: let’s laugh at the jew! look guys! the blind spot in our queer community for jewish men and women is sad. everyone seems to want to laugh-yes we have shitty people to. but don’t call jews white when we’ve all been persecuted for being well…not white. sorry this bothered me a lot and it’s so common these days

    • I don’t think this is fair to Carmen. Granted, perhaps she could have used the word “privileged” instead of “white” to describe Seinfeld, but his Jewish identity does not come up at all. I know we all know he’s Jewish, but Carmen doesn’t joke about it.

      I am not trying to discount your experience with antisemitism or disagreeing with your contention that historically Jews have been treated as not quite white. The question of fair-skinned people’s relative whiteness has fascinated me since I discovered there was such a thing as critical whiteness studies. And there is a substantial historiography tracing the different gradients of privilege that we associate with whiteness. My Irish ancestors, for instance, are said to have become white once they embraced American anti-Blackness in the mid-19th century. And most historians agree that Jews became “whiter” with their acceptance at country clubs and in suburban communities beginning in the mid-20th century. Mai Ngai and Thomas Guglielmo, in their studies of Asian and Italian immigration, argue that a guaranteed path to citizenship marked Italian, Irish, Greek, and Jewish immigrants as “white on arrival,” at least before the 1924 Immigration Act curtailed the influx of these communities. But then there are the Mexicans, as Grace Delgado rightly pointed out to me, who were legally classified as white until 1940 (census and path to citizenship), yet were (and are) treated as people of color when it came to housing, jobs, and other privileges of whiteness. So, is whiteness about skin tone, ethnicity, or legal and social privileges? What matters more–self-identity or social identity?

      My apologies for getting all professorial on you, but like I said, this topic fascinates me.

      • “My Irish ancestors, for instance, are said to have become white once they embraced American anti-Blackness in the mid-19th century.”

        Yep. (Although of course there are still Irish-Americans who want to evoke that pre-honkification era when they justify their own racism.)

    • hi as the lesbian jewish center-of-center feminist who owns this website i have no desire to take a critical jewish lens to how we talk about jerry seinfeld, who is a jerk and yes white and also not the hill any of us should die on.

      carmen i love you, amen

      • i never said anything about carmen’s writing she’s a cool writer and i enjoy her pieces that’s not my point-i’m upset and as someone who’s a minority i have a right to be upset even if the lesbian jewish editor is not. i even posted this in my progressive queer jewish group and people agreed with me. he’s half syrian too! his mom is literally from Aleppo. also i watched those episodes and tbh that’s part of the gag-he’s a curmudgeon so what!!! it astonishes me even fellow jews in the community how we can’t see the harm in this. our community can be an echo chamber and i’m allowed to feel hurt as a queer jew who frequently these days feels more alienated from the very places that are supposed to keep us safe. i didn’t attack anyone and now you think i’m an angry jew-funny how that works. you would never even tread that on any other group. OK i see how y’all feel. there’s other queer sites out there that aren’t as dismissive. that actually practice their intersectionality instead of having this weird false sense of superiority. stop using jewish and middle eastern men as your stomping ground thanks even if they’re white passing and know nothing about their actual heritage. i’ve had ppl throw bricks at me, ive been assaulted by american soldiers for being jewish, ive had my synogague have a bomb threat, & have swatzikas drawn on my hebrew school. so no i’m really tired and depressed how the queer community at large increasingly ignores jewish pain and one of the main sources is usually jewish men. Similarly like all men in other targeted minority cultures. Ellen and Kate are white as white bread and are powerful and tbh it’s part of the bit of the whole series if you even watched any other episode. Do i think jerry is the greatest person on earth? no. do i even like straight cis men? nah!!! do i want to spend my life defending straight men? hell the heck no. but i’m trying to make a point that indulges deep seeded toxic beliefs in people who don’t care to learn. you would do the same for anyone else. if you laugh this off you’re part of the problem

        • also i have another account that was A+ . i cancelled membership because i was so hurt and ashamed by the way you dismissed my frustration and anger at the seeded anti semitism in this post and there were multiple times that called him a white man-and that’s what ticked me. you lost a paying customer, a team autostraddle, and im hurt and disappointed.

        • “now you think i’m an angry jew-funny how that works.”
          no… i don’t, and i never said that?

          jerry seinfeld is a jerk! he is perceived to be white and benefits from white privilege, so carmen calling him white makes sense, and it seems like a comment being like “jerry seinfeld is half-syrian, so i don’t think he counts as white, actually” would’ve done the trick to sort that out. we had no idea about his background and you could’ve made that correction. instead you went and accused a black puerto rican writer of anti-semitism and accused all of us of making fun of him because he’s jewish, when that is ever-so-clearly not what is happening here.

          i have never seen him do anything to benefit the jewish community. he is a genuinely bad person. this is not the context to have a serious conversation about anti-semitism or whether or not american jewish people should be considered white or not (and there are plenty of jews on either side of that debate, it is a complicated and fascinating one).

          i know that anti-semitism exists, i know that your experiences with it are valid… i’m 36, you think i haven’t experienced anti-semitism? are you kidding? i can have those experiences and still feel like JERRY SEINFELD IS NOT THE HILL WE WANT TO DIE ON. i DO care about these things, and that’s why i want us to talk about them in literally any other context but this one.

          now i’m the angry jew, funny how that works.

          • i don’t excuse any antisemitism anymore-cloaked antisemitism is everywhere and it needs to be called out everywhere. just like regular racism. something can be anti semitic without it intending to be. just. like. everyone. else. it’s ingrained and systemic and you know that but there’s incorrect info-and i’m ok with calling that out. it’s your website obviously not mine. and i respect that but as a consumer, a former paid member, & former frequent merchant buyer i can have those feelings, express them& be valid/upset.

        • You denounce this community for not “actually practicing intersectionality”, and yet you completely fail to recognize how totally inappropriate it is for you to deride a queer black woman for using the word “white” to describe a rich and powerful white-passing straight man who has oodles more privilege than she does. And furthermore while doing so putting anti-semitic words in her mouth that she never once expressed. Maybe take a closer look at your own practice of intersectionality before complaining about anyone else’s.

          • calling out antisemitism goes for all people. just like i have a duty to not say any racist things as a jew and iranian. it runs deep and i never insulted the authors character or race or personality once. i specifically mentioned the article. one piece that i found slightly ignorant. i’m not causing anyone trauma or ignoring intersectionality. don’t erase identities and gaslight me when i call something out that’s kind of offensive. so stop. everyone is responsible for antisemitism. bye.

          • Except that it’s not antisemitism to take down a powerful man for his behaviour. The mocking tone in this article had literally nothing to do with the fact that he’s Jewish. And again, you are completely ignoring and dismissing very real racial dynamics in the United States between people of colour and people with very much lighter skin tone by harping on Carmen’s use of terminology.

            Also it’s not gaslighting for me to point out your own blind spots to you. You want to point fingers at others and shout about ignorance but you seem completely unwilling to consider your own.

    • This is an FYI — for transparency — we removed any direct mention of Jerry Seinfeld as a white man from this article.

      The editors and I still stand firmly by this piece in its original form. The decision to remove that specific language, but not change the overall tone of the article, came after I approached Autostraddle’s editors this afternoon.

      I felt (and feel) that as a person of color who isn’t Jewish, it’s best that I allow this conversation to continue among white and Jewish community members. I also want to thank to all the people in this thread who took this piece in the manner it was originally intended.

  4. I never watched nor like Seinfeld back in the day (both he and his show), This coffee show, I find funny depending on the guest plus it’s fun to see the diners/coffee shops he goes to when he is in and around the NY/NJ area…I am always looking for a good diner to eat at.

  5. This article made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. I’ve only seen the episode with Kate but I wholeheartedly agree with all your points. Also thank you for taking something a bit odd (except Kate and Ellen who are great always) and making it super funny. <3

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