Sunday Top Ten: Some Cats I Don’t Hate

Welcome to the fourth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008. 


First things first: I don’t really hate your cat. If you caught me telling your cat “I hate you,” I was just kidding, it’s a joke we do together! No but seriously, I wish I liked cats. For starters, they look delightful in photographs! Furthermore, lesbians love cats, and kittens (aka “pre-cats”) are such charming little animals (until they become cats, because I hate cats). Alas, I’m very much allergic to pre-cats and cats-proper in a sloppy, enflamed, itchy, eyeball-scratching, face-sneezing, eyes-watering, nose-running, body-not-sleeping kind of way. Often cat owners take it really personally that I don’t want to hang out on a couch coated with allergens or sleep over with my head smashed into the same pillow their cat uses for Cat Naps. Honestly, y’all, sometimes I’m amazed cats have any hair left on their bodies because it’s seriously all over your furniture and your coat. There is an actual animal’s worth of hair on your sweater! I thought your sweater was a living thing! Also, litter boxes are uncivilized. They’re filled with — let’s be honest — the ashes of dead Nazis — and topped off with tiny foul piles of animal waste. Nobody wants to see that, especially me.

Ultimately, I think dogs are better creatures than cats on a few levels (and somehow my allergy to dogs has faded significantly since childhood) but not all cats are awful. Some of them are pretty okay.


Top 18 Cats I Don’t Hate

1. Winston

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It was really said when Rich Juzwiak (blogged as fourfour, now writes for Gawker) and his boyfriend broke up in 2012 and then Winston no longer belonged to us on the internet. Still, because the internet is forever, you can witness some of Winston’s best moments on a pinterest board entirely devoted to his existence, read an interview with Winston on Buzzfeed, and think to yourself, “why is this cat the only cat Riese watches videos of on the internet?” (BECAUSE HE’S  HILARIOUS)


2. Salem Saberhagen

salem

I love how this cat was like, “I can talk, and I’ve got shit to say.” As I recall, he was a pretty sassy cat, and the laugh track on Sabrina the Teenage Witch found him HILARIOUS!


3. Simba

lion-king

The Lion King is a masterpiece and Simba is the baby lion we all dream of cuddling with at night.


4. Oliver

Oliver-Company-oliver-and-company-movie-5873231-768-432

Oliver and Company is one of my favorite Disney films ever and I feel it is desperately underrated. I’d love to see Oliver and Company on Broadway. I once performed the whole musical on my futon for my parents, I think they really liked it. My rendition of “Perfect Isn’t Easy” was a highlight, for sure.


5. The Nope Cat

A-Camp-Last-Day1

This cat is hilarious. Our Tech Director Cee printed out a bunch of Nope Cats and brought them to A-Camp (an annual retreat/conference/camp hybrid for queer women hosted by this website) and hung them up all over. It was funny.


6. A-Camp Cats

A-Camp 32

Speaking of A-Camp, now that we’re headed into our sixth A-Camp, I’m really running out of new exciting names for our cabins. I can usually rely on some kind of feline, however, and over the years we’ve had cabins called Wildcats, Thundercats, Hellcats, Cat Power, Panthers and Tiger Beat. Stay tuned for Pussy Riot.


7. Whiskey Kitten

Photography © jmberman1 2009

Photography © jmberman1 2009

This kitten saw us through some of our darkest days! Like that time that Autostraddle stopped working in Google Chrome, that time Autostraddle stopped working period and basically everything about life that has ever been difficult. This kitten was there. Bless the man who photographed the kitten, and bless G-d for inventing whiskey.


8. Hobbes

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Calvin & Hobbes” is my favorite comic strip of all time!


9. Crookshanks

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I just started reading Harry Potter for the first time (I know!) and therefore am only 75% of the way through The Prizoner of Aztecland, so I can’t say much about this cat besides that Ron is really mad at this cat right now for killing his rat. The thing is that rats are gross, so two thumbs up to this cat for getting rid of it. Owls for everybody!


10. “Cat” from Breakfast at Tiffany‘s

Breakfast-at-Tiffany-s-breakfast-at-tiffanys-2295386-1024-576

I lived with a cat for about two months, and I wanted to name it “cat,” but my roommate insisted on naming “Moo.” I called it “Cat” though, regardless. I didn’t even remember that Holly Golightly had made the same decision! But then I saw the movie again and was like, holy shit, we are both geniuses!


11. Catwoman

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The best thing about catwoman is that she’s actually just a woman, but wearing a cat outfit. The cat outfit is usually very tight and sexual and has been worn by many ladies over the years including Eartha Kitt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Anne Hathaway, Lee Meriweather, Julie Newmar and, notably, Halle Berry (As per the poster above. I didn’t actually see Catwoman but the poster looks nice).


12. Marie

ladies-do-not-start-fights

I don’t remember The Aristocats very well but there’s a cat in it named Marie. Marie is also MY name (Riese is my nickname), which means I have something in common with this cat. We also have lots of things NOT in common, like I don’t pee in a box.


13. The East Dillon Lions & The Dillon Panthers

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Much like Coach Taylor himself, I can’t really choose between these two outstanding groups of gentleman, but I’m pretty sure they don’t shed, so.


14. We Are All Made Of Kittens

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This is a tumblr Laneia and I made about ourselves. It was pictures of cats but it was things that actually happened but with all of us, like at my apartment in New York during Pride, or at Dinah Shore or other times. It’s really funny and honest and I highly recommend it. Kittens featured on this monumental work of art include Design Director Alex Vega, founding team member Tess, former managing editor Sarah Palmface, former Tech Editor Taylor Hatmaker and ALL OF THE INTERNS!


15. The Cats Of “The Real L Word”

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The cats were bored when we were bored, confused when we were confused, and hungry when we were hungry. The cats made B-Roll into A-Plus-Roll. Given the choice of watching a show about cats or a show about Romi, I’d probably go with the cats.


16. Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like

This was one of our most brilliant post ideas of all time. It was cats being lesbians. Click on it, you’ll see.


17. The Cheshire Cat

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This is like your kinda-annoying friend who always has really good drugs, I think.


18. Lord Tubbington

Lord Tubbington

Lord Tubbington is a cat I can tell I wouldn’t like in real life, because he seems really prone to shedding. But I really appreciate his contributions to Brittany S. Pierce’s Fondue for Two, a webseries within a series I have to recap called Glee. It’s pretty awful, writing this post was much better!

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2883 articles for us.

48 Comments

  1. I love this list so much. I’ve only recently discovered an appreciation for cats (due to my ex who unapologetically/somewhat adorably schedules everything in life around hers).

    Also, Crookshanks is a goddamn treasure, if only because ugh, Scabbers.

  2. I too am allergic to cats and turn into a puffy mess who apparently has hamster-sized lungs :/ but I love cats! And it’s true, lesbians adore furry friends so damn much that I’ve considered taking anti histamines long term so I can avail of the awesome company and free food in the hair-infested homes of said lesbians.

  3. This list is perfect, basically.

    Also, as someone who is also reading Harry Potter for the first time (I am a rebel with no cause and refused to read it back in the day), I will agree with you that Crookshanks is pretty awesome. I’m 75% done with Order of the Phoenix and he’s basically a big cuddler at this point.

  4. Feel ya on the allergies. It seems I’ve developed a cat allergy over time.

    This post is brought to you by 5 sneezes in a row and one stuffed up nose.

    True story: My current apartment is too big for one person, but the reason I got it was so that my cats could have room to run around. At 3am.

  5. I personally am quite partial to my cat (and also allergic to her):

    BUT, I vote for the 1942 movie Cat People, a really trippy psychological thing about a woman who can basically potentially kill men if she even touches them. There’s a super-weird swimming pool scene (on YouTube, but I’m not going to attempt to link) that’s worth watching, if nothing else. Check out the eyes:

  6. I DIDNT KNOW RICH AND HIS BOYFRIEND BROKE UP.

    i loved fourfour and reading about/watching winston, and i’m very saddened to know that rich apparently doesn’t have winston in his life anymore. (and rudy??!???)

    (ok, i just read the post about saying goodbye to the cats after the breakup. i’m pretty convinced that winston and rudy are in good hands now. i’m also wondering why i didn’t just keep on reading when rich started posting on gawker instead)

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