I don’t know if you’ve heard the Jewel song, but rumor has it that “hearts are broken every day.” You know what else is broken every day? iphones. You know what breaks from time to time but is really getting its shit together and will stop breaking eventually? This website!
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Top Ten Things That Break More Than This Website
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10. Mirrors
At this point, who doesn’t have 21 years of bad luck? Amirite?
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9. Headphones
If you’re interested in “being smart about life,” we’ve got a great headphones shopping guide. Or you can continue to spend no more than $20 on headphones and have to replace them every six weeks, like I do. Sidenote; I’ve ventured into $25 territory and the results weren’t convincing.
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8. Phones
One time my friend Carly dropped her phone in the toilet and it wouldn’t stop vibrating, basically it transformed from being a functional phone into a functional mini-vibrator. Presently, my phone is adorned in scotch tape and also, ten million lost souls are googling “i broke my iphone” as we speak. No really, what genius decided to entrust all of these assholes with $600 pieces of super-fragile technology? I’m suspicious about companies creating products that need cases, but selling them without cases. Think about it.
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7. Wine Glasses
I feel like in my twenties everybody was just breaking hearts and wine glasses left and right. North and south, also.
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6. Umbrellas
Umbrellas solely exist in the spirit-realm, like umbrellas aren’t really actual things, they’re just transient ideas. It rains, I hastily purchase an unfortunate umbrella, and within days or weeks it’s broken or lost. The thing is that even if it’s lost and somebody else found it, they probably broke it. All umbrellas end up broken, except the nice ones.
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5. Fast
Goyem of the internet, if you’ve yet to shovel a steaming forkful of my mother’s noodle kugel into your gullet, you’ve not yet lived, nor have you traveled back in time to have break/fast with my family and other families in Ann Arbor circa the late 1980s. However, I admit I cheated in those days. My brother and I had these rapacious metabolisms which required near-constant feedings, so my Mom was fearful of what fasting might do to us, so we just ate like — very little. When I got older, I fasted, because when I got older I was like, a warrior.
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4. Hearts
Oh, honey. Here.
3. Printers
For about two years, my printer only worked if everybody in the room remained motionless for the duration of the printing process. I’m totally serious.
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2. This Faucet
Seriously, what the fuck is up with this faucet? Can a girl get a drink.
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1. Sunglasses
The Jewish atoning cat is winning.
How about Fox, CNN and NPR who all incorrectly reported the Supreme Court ruling just now? :)
You may break every now and then, but at least you aren’t dangerous. Somehow all of my friends have a story involving stitches and washing ikea wineglasses.
Safety first, bitches second.
Whenever my uncle comes to visit, he makes us stop at the dollar store FIRST THING so he can buy himself plastic wine glasses for the duration.
You forgot ‘Autostraddle readers’ hearts when we realised that the site was on the fritz’.
In China there used to be full-time professional umbrella repair people.
I learned this because I moved to China to volunteer for an NGO, but they went bankrupt a week after I got here, so now I’m playing an umbrella repair person in a play. The producers and director were bewildered when I told them that umbrella repair people aren’t a thing in the US. Then they taught me the distinctions between three different ways of saying awkward in Chinese.
This is one of the best stories ever.
Do iPhones really break every day? I was going to get one and switch to Verizon because I’ve heard that they’re basically perfect :(
When I bought mine the salesperson reminded me that the screen was made of glass about fifteen times. (I know she was trying to sell me their iphone cases, but still.)
Mine’s been pretty durable so far. I mean, obviously you’ll need a case. Just don’t drop it on cement or anything.
i’ve dropped mine on on cement like, 20x times, many of those occasions with a super shitty thin plastic case, and it still works pretty well. it gets a little slow sometimes, but that’s because i’ve dropped it on cement 20x times. screen hasn’t even cracked though. but definitely get a protective case for that shit, people who carry around their iphone without anything on it make me cringe.
When my girlfriend went to Afghanistan she got us both super heavy duty cases- that keep out sand, can be submerged in water, dropped on concrete, etc. The company is ‘Otter’ and they make your phone big- a lot bigger- and they’re pricey, but it’s worth it. I’ve dropped mine in water, from the apartment ledge on to concerete (4 feet-ish) and used it at the beach- hmm, I think I tend to be way too hard on my electronics.
If you type “i broke my” into the google search box, the auto-complete that pops up first is “iphone”, followed by arm, iphone 4 screen & ipad 2 screen. so somebody’s iPhone is broken. just saying
That last cat is awesome.
Happy Stonewall day to my AS sisters!
I think carlymeme’s head on the last cat would have been perfect. Then again, I guess the text doesn’t match.
Other people break sunglasses all the time too? I thought I was just cursed. I haven’t owned a pair of sunglasses for more than 24 hours without breaking or losing them, EVER.
I don’t break sunglasses, I lose them. They magically disappear into the ether.
Printers are evil machines that seem to spend 90% of the time mysteriously not working.
Omigod the decorating kittens!! Squeeeeeeeeeeee <3
Welcome back, AS. We missed the kittens.
precious kitties. fuck umbrellas forever. i hate them.
http://www.amazon.com/Sony-MDR-G45LP-Street-Neckband-Headphones/dp/B0015AFVBC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1340934218&sr=8-1&keywords=sony+mdr-g45
I have owned a working pair of these cheap-ass headphones for 2 years. The sound quality is excellent and the only thing wrong with them is that the foam speaker-cover things fall off sometimes.
I have also always wondered why there are electronic products that NEED cases but are sold without them! I guess it’s so we can decorate our phones to our liking.
Slinkys! No one’s mentioned this yet?
this is soooo true. especially headphones. one second they are your best friend in the entire world and the next, they’re the bane of your existence.
I’m on my 10th pair of headsets. I break even the expensive ones.
Oh my God! I seem to go through headphones more than most people. Probably a combination of being a musician/having cats/my nervous habit where I tend to twirl them a lot.
The other umbrellas that don’t break are The Ugly Ones. I’ve had the same amazingly ugly umbrella for 20 years and it refuses to go the way of all the others. It will probably eat all the tuna in the house if I leave it.
And photocopiers, although they are in the same genre as printers. Photocopiers spontaneously self-destruct when they see me walking towards them.
Haha I seem to have the same problem.