Top Ten Things That Break More Than This Website

I don’t know if you’ve heard the Jewel song, but rumor has it that “hearts are broken every day.” You know what else is broken every day? iphones. You know what breaks from time to time but is really getting its shit together and will stop breaking eventually? This website!

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Top Ten Things That Break More Than This Website

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10. Mirrors

At this point, who doesn’t have 21 years of bad luck? Amirite?

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9. Headphones

If you’re interested in “being smart about life,” we’ve got a great headphones shopping guide. Or you can continue to spend no more than $20 on headphones and have to replace them every six weeks, like I do. Sidenote; I’ve ventured into $25 territory and the results weren’t convincing.

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8. Phones

One time my friend Carly dropped her phone in the toilet and it wouldn’t stop vibrating, basically it transformed from being a functional phone into a functional mini-vibrator. Presently, my phone is adorned in scotch tape and also, ten million lost souls are googling “i broke my iphone” as we speak. No really, what genius decided to entrust all of these assholes with $600 pieces of super-fragile technology? I’m suspicious about companies creating products that need cases, but selling them without cases. Think about it.

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7. Wine Glasses

I feel like in my twenties everybody was just breaking hearts and wine glasses left and right. North and south, also.

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6. Umbrellas

Umbrellas solely exist in the spirit-realm, like umbrellas aren’t really actual things, they’re just transient ideas. It rains, I hastily purchase an unfortunate umbrella, and within days or weeks it’s broken or lost. The thing is that even if it’s lost and somebody else found it, they probably broke it. All umbrellas end up broken, except the nice ones.

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5. Fast

Goyem of the internet, if you’ve yet to shovel a steaming forkful of my mother’s noodle kugel into your gullet, you’ve not yet lived, nor have you traveled back in time to have break/fast with my family and other families in Ann Arbor circa the late 1980s. However, I admit I cheated in those days. My brother and I had these rapacious metabolisms which required near-constant feedings, so my Mom was fearful of what fasting might do to us, so we just ate like — very little. When I got older, I fasted, because when I got older I was like, a warrior.

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4. Hearts

Oh, honey. Here.

 

3. Printers

For about two years, my printer only worked if everybody in the room remained motionless for the duration of the printing process. I’m totally serious.

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2. This Faucet

Seriously, what the fuck is up with this faucet? Can a girl get a drink.

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1. Sunglasses


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riese

Marie Lyn Bernard, aka Riese, is an award-winning writer, blogger, journalist, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in the midwest, lost her mind in New York City and is currently making it work in California. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better, The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image and The Hazards of Being Female," "Dirty Girls," and "The Best American Erotica of 2007," magazines including Nylon, Marie Claire, GO, Curve, Interlude, and CollegeBound, and all over the web including nerve.com, Jezebel, Queerty, Emily Books and OurChart (RIP). She was the recapper for The L Word Online and host of Showtime’s Lezberado and her personal blog has earned many dubious honors including Best Personal Blog 2008. Riese has spoken about blogging, community-building, feminism, cyberculture and sexuality at places like BlogHer, Yale, New York University, The University of Chicago and The Museum of Sex. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Interlochen Arts Academy and The Olive Garden's week-long training intensive; she enjoys eating foods, having big ideas, reading books & talking to her stuffed dog, Tinkerbell. Also, she's Jewish. Follow her smokin’ hot adventures on twitter. Contact: riese[at]autostraddle.com

Riese has written 2893 articles for us.

29 Comments

  1. In China there used to be full-time professional umbrella repair people.

    I learned this because I moved to China to volunteer for an NGO, but they went bankrupt a week after I got here, so now I’m playing an umbrella repair person in a play. The producers and director were bewildered when I told them that umbrella repair people aren’t a thing in the US. Then they taught me the distinctions between three different ways of saying awkward in Chinese.

    • i’ve dropped mine on on cement like, 20x times, many of those occasions with a super shitty thin plastic case, and it still works pretty well. it gets a little slow sometimes, but that’s because i’ve dropped it on cement 20x times. screen hasn’t even cracked though. but definitely get a protective case for that shit, people who carry around their iphone without anything on it make me cringe.

    • When my girlfriend went to Afghanistan she got us both super heavy duty cases- that keep out sand, can be submerged in water, dropped on concrete, etc. The company is ‘Otter’ and they make your phone big- a lot bigger- and they’re pricey, but it’s worth it. I’ve dropped mine in water, from the apartment ledge on to concerete (4 feet-ish) and used it at the beach- hmm, I think I tend to be way too hard on my electronics.

    • If you type “i broke my” into the google search box, the auto-complete that pops up first is “iphone”, followed by arm, iphone 4 screen & ipad 2 screen. so somebody’s iPhone is broken. just saying

  2. The other umbrellas that don’t break are The Ugly Ones. I’ve had the same amazingly ugly umbrella for 20 years and it refuses to go the way of all the others. It will probably eat all the tuna in the house if I leave it.

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