Straight People Watch: Summer 2K17

To say that straight people are at it again is to assume they’ve at any point not been at it. This is wrong, but understandable. The degree to which straight people are at it is so severe that it builds to the strained hum of white noise. It’s only upon acute highlighting do we really see how persistent their at-itness is and how troubled a people they are.

Keeping up with it all can be a lot, but it feels like a necessary task. That’s why we’ll be keeping up with their goings-on here at Autostraddle. Let’s take a quick peak to see what they’ve been up to as of late.


Is it okay to tell the barista my real name? Can I be in the same aisle as another person at the grocery store? Is it fine if when I’m in traffic and singing along to the radio I glance in another car’s direction? Is it okay to watch gymnastics?


The various ways in which straight women have throughout the ages ruined their “water-lady” as this article so awfully puts it in an attempt to make sex with it more “appealing” to men has always been concerning, but putting glitter in it takes it to a whole new level. It’s true that gay people have a better grasp on glitter but like, straight people know glitter…doesn’t dissolve? And is in fact like small shards of metal? With sharp corners? The phrase “can migrate through the cervix” is never something that we as women, on top of everything, should have to consider when weighing the pros and cons of pleasing our sexual partner. People with vaginas: your vagina is fine as is, unless it’s not, in which case, go to a doctor, and here I’m including the people who’ve decided to engage in this glitter trend and have small lacerations all up inside of it.


Why did this happen, and, no, she didn’t.


Here’s the thing: I did not happen upon this. I knew it existed in my heart and soul before even looking up “gun family car decal” and being presented with many, many options, including this one that was probably so popular it is now out of stock.


The sanctity of marriage, everybody.


For those unwilling to click further into this, grapefruiting is a sexual act where grapefruit rings are used (As a reward? Training device?) during oral sex. Also, this one’s a little what’s wrong with “straight people” if you know what I mean but also: what’s wrong with straight people.


Hello?


SOME STRAIGHT WOMEN PLEASE STOP PUTTING DANGEROUS THINGS IN YOUR VAGINA, BUT ESPECIALLY STOP PUTTING WASPS NESTS IN THEM??? This has been said to “tighten and clean the vagina” when inserted and, thankfully, can be ingested as well to “rejuvenate genitals” after childbirth, because god forbid the mother of your child who’s most likely had to ELONGATE HER VAGINAL OPENING VIA INCISION SO SHE COULD LET YOUR SON BRAYDON ENTER THE WORLD WITHOUT BREAKING HIS COLLARBONE be anything but tight.


Do y’all need a minute? Sure this is a “jokey” take on the notion that women “steal” men from their friends when they get married and I know they’re not “really serious” and I should maybe “take a joke,” but this was born from genuine malice and that dude on the right has for sure said some disparaging things about this woman. Sorry.


There has to be a better way and yet.


Sure.


I don’t know, the option to calm down is available to everyone.


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Writer by way of GA/PDX/MPLS/NASHVILLE. Let's keep it clean out there!

Erin has written 146 articles for us.

121 Comments

  1. I absolutely HATE all the hysteria around straight people having any contact whatsoever with someone of the opposite sex. Apparently it’s impossible to text, talk or maintain eye contact with someone of a gender you are attracted to without immediately having an affair. Does this mean as a bi person I should just wander the earth never communicating with anyone??? Should I only be allowed to text my current partner since everyone else could be a potential affair?

  2. Erin, I am so glad you have taken on this necessary & noble task of keeping up with straight people’s at-itness. This article is pure gold.

    In English straight-people-watching, I feel this is relevant to add:
    http://www.bristolpost.co.uk/news/bristol-news/heartbroken-man-starts-playing-piano-450378
    This dude has decided to play the piano nonstop until his ex girlfriend will talk to him. He also sings. I just…
    “The 34-year-old from Bath said he didn’t know what the woman, who he wouldn’t name but referred to as his ‘Rapunzel’, would do when she saw he was doing the piano stunt, but he just wanted to ‘let her know just how much I love her’.”

    tl;dr dude is too entitled for words

  3. 1. Gender reveal parties make me want to set myself on fire.

    2. I have seen on more than one occasion that people have vinyl decals of guns to represent their family. Like, dad is a large assault rifle–AK what-have-you, and mom is a smaller but equally as deadly gun (uh all guns are deadly) and the children are teeny-little baby guns, because how f**king cute is that.

    3. Balls are proof that there is no god.

  4. “I’m not LGBT but yes/no” – were these two categories meant to discern between straight people who weren’t homophobic and those who were? As in, “I’m not LGBT, but I don’t have a problem with LGBT people being out”? Or was it like “If you were LGBT, do you think you’d feel comfortable being out in the workplace?” which is just stupid.

    I’m trying to make sense where there is none because that is how I’m wired.

    • It’s not how it’s phrased, but I suspect it’s “would you be okay with being described as LGBT” (rather than self-describing, as phrased in the question). Like, when I was at university and convinced I was straight I was amused when I found out some people were 100% sure I was a lesbian… but I wasn’t actually comfortable describing myself as LGBT because I wasn’t an asshole who appropriates labels.

      That’s the only way I can make sense of it.

      • I read it as ‘if someone thought you were gay would it bother you’.
        My dad thinks he’s not homophobic as he has me and his lesbian sister but he totally would be bothered if someone thought his friend was his partner. He was even bothered about living on Queen Street…
        Obviously if someone you’re attracted to thinks you’re not into their gender then that’s a problem for your dating life. But otherwise it shouldn’t bother straight people to be thought of as ‘gay’. Most lgbt people have been assumed to be cishet.

  5. As someone who spent a significant person of her life thinking she was straight and trying to be the straightest straight person that ever lived, I can confirm that the straights are always “at it” and that it is, indeed, EXHAUSTING. Or at least it was for this little closet case.

    The more I come out, the less exhausted I feel, truly.

  6. Thank you Erin for yet again reminding us that straight people are not okay….

    Grapefruit already makes my tongue tingle in an unpleasant-kinda-reaction way so I think I’ll give grapefruiting a miss. Can’t imagine it would be more enjoyable when applied to sensitive body parts 🙄

  7. I sincerely did not understand what half of these articles were about in the first place.
    P.S.:Who would think stuffing bees you know where would be a good idea on any planet orbiting this sun?!?
    Or glitter? I mean if the gays don’t do it, there’s probably a good reason for it, straight people…

  8. I apparently have lots of thoughts about straight people so I’m going to break my comment down into a few points.

    1. I LOLed at “YOUR SON BRAYDON”. I know a couple of straights who named their first-born son Braven. BRAVEN. Their second is Bentyn. I want to tell you their last name so bad because it makes them sound even more like 1980s comedy ski resort villains, but I won’t.

    2. I don’t understand the glitterbombing your vagina trend at all. Like, I get that straight men are horrible and have convinced straight women that they need to make their vaginas presentable, but every insecure straight man I’ve ever known has hated getting even a speck of glitter on themselves. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t love having it all over their dicks.

    3. I read an article about that sad best man photo shoot a while back that said that the best man actually used to date or have a crush on the bride, but then his best friend ended up marrying her. I can’t decide if that makes the situation worse or better.

    4. I’ve been meaning to ask some of you this for a while. I don’t have much experience dating and I don’t have any experience being married. But do gay couples make all sorts of jokes about their significant other/spouse being awful/basically secretly wanting to murder them like straight couples do? My mom recently had a knee replacement surgery and moved in with me for a while she was recovering. We watched a lot of HGTV. I can’t count how many times the straights openly disparaged one another on national TV. And I’ve heard plenty of my relatives and acquaintances do the same.

  9. Saga’s random musings:

    *As a preschool teacher, I’m perpetually covered in glitter.

    *shopping list – cross out grapefruit. How many more fruits and vegetables will straight people ruin for me?

    *Adds item #273 of No-No’s to her “Crazy ass things to avoid if/when I get a vagina”

  10. END “OPPOSITE SEX” 2017!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    y’all ain’t opposites!!!!!!!! i honestly believe so many cishet relationships don’t work bc there’s this entire society conditioning them to believe that they are opposites and must be remarkably different on a physical and emotional (and everything else) level! thus making communication and collaboration and even understanding nearly impossible. men don’t cry! girls can’t have muscles! ok?? you wonder why 50% of marriages end in divorce? you wonder why a Man Cave is a thing? you wonder why there are so many ball and chain jokes???? ya pieces of shit, you’re not opposites and you’re not obligated to only have traits your partner lacks! IT AINT HEALTHY. and yet so many lgbtq+ folks use the phrase “opposite sex” too, even though it kind of really fucks w the idea of gender identity, perpetuates sexism, and misrepresents actual biology.
    CAN YOU TELL I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS????

    (sorry, obviously it was part of a screencap but i am so over everyone glossing over this extremely problematic phrasing)

  11. My inner baby goth wants that gun family as t-shirt, so I can only guess how fucked up and unfunny seems it to normal people.
    But also I think they might be intended to be ironic or some kinda joke because the kids aren’t holding youth hunting rifles and mom has a revolver instead of nice pistol or one of them “lady revolvers”
    However I could be wrong because in my neck of the woods gun families are usually hunting families.

    But jfc glitter bombs in body cavities, in THAT body cavity.
    I need brain bleach.

  12. First: I had to google “Gender Reveal Party”, cause where I come from people are usually very secretive when it comes to the “boy or girl” question (which is equally weird).

    Second: What’s with this “Can I text somebody of the opposite sex?” thing? Does that apply to phone calls, too? What if you have to call tech support and there’s someone of the opposite sex on the phone? Do you have to hang up? What are the rules? This is all kinds of confusing.

    In General: Is it possible that most of these things are not so much “straight problems”, but “straight American problems”? I don’t remember coming across any of these issues in my country.

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