It all started with a tweet from Heather Hogan:
Oh that’s riiiight, I took an edible with my migraine meds last night and then got into a fight on Reddit about how Leah can’t be the best Stardew Valley spouse because she doesn’t like pizza.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) June 30, 2022
I’ve been playing Stardew Valley for years. At the beginning of the pandemic, it offered a much-needed means of escape; since then, I’ve played as gray-haired dyke farmers, as young, ambitious diamond manufacturers, and even once as a version of Spike from Buffy called Baby Spike (think Muppet Babies).
No matter how many times I play, two things have remained constant: My enormous crush on Robin the carpenter, who is not a dateable character, and the fact that once I am ready to date, it’s so hard to choose a spouse! Almost every dateable character is lovely, in their own way. Heather’s tweet brought up some criteria I’d never considered.
In light of that, please enjoy this 100% scientific and completely definitive guide to exactly which Stardew character you should marry! I’d like a plus-one, and my Home Depot and Pierre’s gift cards will be in the mail.