Pretty Little Liars Episode 607 Recap: Happy Birthday, Motherf-cker!

Jason walks five feet to where the Rosewood Police Department is sitting in their squad car, monitoring the house for intruders because their number one priority is keeping Alison safe, and asks them who put this balloon and birthday invitation on the porch.

JUST KIDDING. He doesn’t ask them because they obviously didn’t see who crept up onto the porch because the RPD is the most negligent, incompetent group of bozos on the earth.

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Brotherhood of Bros Who’ve Violated Alison DiLaurentis

Anyway, the birthday party is at 42 Wallaby Way. The invitation is for one person only, non-transferable.

Aria’s at home cataloguing an absolute mountain of horrible dolls when Mike wanders in and flops on the floor and cries very valid tears about how his heart is broken that Mona has returned from the dead and not contacted him. Literally the first thing Alison did when she was resurrected was sleep with Emily; he just doesn’t understand. Aw, Mike. You’re such a kind-hearted age-appropriate fella who only ever fully worshipped Mona for the adrenalized hyperreal unicorn beast that she is.

Emily and Sara and Claire are at lunch with Claire.  (This music again!) Sara and Claire are trying to talk about all the things Sara missed while she was away, like Claire’s dog grew up into a full dog and not a puppy, and one of their friends had a baby. Okay, and but Emily is feeling kind of left out? So then Sara has to look at the photos on Claire’s phone and be like, “Wow, yeah, show Emily this one of you and Josie at Disneyland,” right, and then all, “Oh, and Emily, show Claire that one of you and the girls dressed like corpses in the underground bunker where we were held hostage, which is the thing we have in common.” Claire invites Sara to come live with her, or even just to have dinner, but Emily doesn’t let Sara consider it. She snaps that Sara has police protection at her house and it’s time to get the check and go home!

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No, I’ll put the sugar in Sara’s tea! I know how she likes it! Move out of the way, ass-rabbit!

Claire’s face is like: “Wouldn’t you be safer being guarded by a squadron of newborn babies — literal newborns, with gunk on them still and their eyes aren’t even open yet — than being guarded by the Rosewood Police Department?” But she doesn’t say that. I guess she assumes crazy old Sara has found her crazy old lesbian match, and lets it go.

At the Brew, Hanna and Spencer are watching videos of surgeries and planning their first tag-team medical procedure together when Hanna brings up the scholarship from the Carissimi Group. Hanna and Spencer joining forces has been my absolute favorite part of this season, and one of my favorite pairings this show has ever done. I love it so much. SO MUCH. Hanna and Spencer Google the Carissimi Group. Its website page looks like some kind of investment firm template, and then they notice one of its business partners is Radley.

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Spencer, what the actual fuck is this?

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I’m getting a bodyguard. A real certified one, with a badge and a gun.

Spencer: Carissimi means “beloved,” in Latin, by the way. That’s just a thing I know off the top of my head.
Hanna: Beloved?! And in the word I saw on the headstone in Aunt Carol’s backyard?! Carissimi, as in: “Charles, Beloved Son”!?

Hahaha! What? Come on. At least have a parrot say that shit to me.

Spencer and Hanna decide Carissimi Group is code for “Charles’ Private Bank Account” and he’s rich because Jessica DiLaurentis kept depositing money in there, despite the fact that Charles was a known psychopath who tried to kill his own sister when he was like seven years old by luring his parents away from her with a recording of himself screaming for help in the yard. (Also: “I feel like a cyclops.” “Cyborg.” “I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced cyclops.”)

Spencer’s phone rings and when she steps away to take the call, Sabrina slips some gummy bears laced with weed into her satchel with no explanation.

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CODE RED! Taylor Swift and Nicki Minaj are feuding!

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God, I hope Katy Perry stays out of it!

It is Alison who is calling Spencer, and for one single second we get a glimpse of the Real Ali, drugging her dad so she can escape from his moronic clutches and get back to the business of taking care of her own magnificent Slytherin self, but then she’s right back to Inexplicable Ali, going: “Spencer, you have to help Jason! He’s going to meet up with Charles, my fake-dead brother who tried to murder me as a child and as a teenager and has been terrorizing you for years and who held you hostage in an underground life-sized dollhouse! Don’t worry it, though: Charles (quote!) isn’t after you, not this time.”

Oh, he isn’t? We’re all good to just hang out with this thoroughly deranged omnipotent cyberghost and not worry that he’s going to seize us and torture us? Which is a thing you know from reading a birthday invitation threatening literal murder as your dad drove maniacally down the road covered in grave dirt? He’s not after us this time, you say? Okay, then!

Vernon comes crashing into the room, yelling, “DID YOU TAKE MY PHONE? HANG UP RIGHT NOW!” And then this incompetent motherfucker goes, “Will you give me just one day to figure this out?!?!”

The most adrenalized hyperreal minds in America have been trying to figure this out for years, Vernon. You won’t understand it in a day! You won’t understand it in a lifetime!

Emily is sitting on her bed when Sara shows up in the doorway screaming her name like a blind person. For real, she shouts, “EMILY??!?!” Then she takes two steps to the bed and explains that she’s going to live with Claire now so she’ll be free to kiss Emily’s mouth whenever she wants to. Personally, I think she’s going to live with Claire because at the Mad Hatter Tea Party, Emily said that Tanner didn’t want Sara to leave town, and so Sara is leaving town. But you go on ahead and think she’s doing it for love.

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Miss Harvey You’re a Killer, Not Emily’s Wife

Look, I know you think I’m being insane about Sara because of Paige McCullers, but that is not it! I’m being insane about Sara because no tertiary character comes to town smooching on a Liar unless carnage is afoot. Where is this “family” Sara keeps talking about? Same place as Cousin Nate’s “family”? Is she chipped like the other Liars are chipped? I sure don’t think so because when Charles looks at his little chip tracker app in a little while, there’s four beeping blorps only, and that’s all the Liars’ chips. Honestly, I think my ability to be skeptical about Sarah the way I am skeptical about Jason and Wren and Garbage Art Johnny says a lot about my feminism, y’all. I’m about equality. Unlike Spencer, my complete distrust of all humans who aren’t Liars is balanced. Unlike three years ago, I don’t have to believe everything a queer TV character says to me. We don’t have to defend Marissa Cooper anymore. WE’RE LIVING IN THE FUTURE.

(Also, this music some more!)

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Ding dong! Squad’s here!

The Liars roll up to Jason’s to try to convince him to not go to Charles’ birthday party, but he’s not home and the RPD officers out front think the Liars should scram and leave the DiLaurentis house alone.

Mike shows up at Mona’s with a basketful of dolls, which is a thing I love endlessly. Mike goes to Aria and he’s heartbroken over how Mona won’t talk to him, and so Aria packs a whole throng of dolls into a laundry basket and is like, “Here, take these terrifying porcelain children over to her” and Mike does, and Mona just immediately starts unpacking them and putting them on her shelf, no questions. One of the dolls’ hands is tied up with rope and Mona doesn’t even bother to unravel it before situating it in with the other spine-chilling moppets on her shelf.

Sweet Mike says he did everything Mona asked him to do and never tried to rob her of her autonomy and loved even the scary parts of her and kept going out into the woods with satchels of candy even after she was dead, hoping she’d show up there and love him. Oh, Mikey. Never grow into a Rosewood man. Stay a Rosewood teenage boy forever. (Or move.)

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50 Shades of Aria Montgomery, eh?

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Mona kisses Mike because he really does get her. She doesn’t love him like she loves Hanna, but sometimes boxed brownies are okay while the plum pudding’s still ripening.

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Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle managing editor who lives in New York City with her partner, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She's a member of the Television Critics Association, the Gay and Lesbian Entertainment Critics Association, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Heather has written 853 articles for us.

48 Comments

  1. Sara seems to be who she says she is. Does that mean people will show her some compassion and cut her and Emily a little slack? Probably not. Shippers be crazy. But I’m willing to give her a chance because I trust the writers.

    • You know what’s interesting? I’ve been thinking about this a lot! I think some of the hostility toward Sara is shipping and some of it is because we can never trust any interlopers, but I also think a big part of it is the show is drawing to a definite close now, there’s a finish line in sight, and all mega fans of all TV show get irate when new characters come in and take screen time from beloved characters in these kinds of situations. Like even Mad Men’s last season and a half, the most respected TV critics in America were losing their minds with Joan’s new boyfriend taking up so much time, and even Megan Draper, who had been around for a while, but not from the beginning. I think that’s a big part of it too.

      • Hmm, that does make some sense. I can see what you mean. But maybe why I’m not bothered is because I don’t and never have seen her as a threat or long term replacement for another character. I mean, maybe Joseph Dougherty and Marlene have her there on purpose? Maybe she’s there for a good reason and instead of just raging we should try to figure out what it is? If they wanted Emily to be with Ali they’d do it. Or they’d bring back Paige (and I’m still convinced they will). But yeah, maybe Sara has a point and we can try to see what these writers who have given us so much to love are trying to do with her.

        • And I just realized one other thing. This strikes a chord with me because it’s similar to what happened with Paige. I fucking love Paige more than maybe any other character but even though the writers wrote beautiful storylines for her and revealed her fears and hidden pains, so many people never got past their shipper thing and never heard a word they wrote. Just “Fuck off pigskin!” again and again even after learning Paige was suicidal at one point. Sometimes you can’t win when fandom is involved.

    • Because it’s PLL Im wondering if the whole her knowing about Claire was just a misdirect, and she majorly Facebook stalker her befur, just to make it seem real. I’m sure she’s not the same actress they had in that photo on her website, but I don’t know if that’s just recasting or delipurrate…

  2. I think Charles/A did something to Spencer’s brain in the bunker to make her become an ABSOLUTE MORON this season. Like, seriously Spencer? A has killed HOW MANY police officers, and now all of a sudden you think Toby’s gun and badge are going to protect you!?

    And I totally agree about Sara. Not trusting Sara has nothing to do with shipping Paily or Emison – it’s just based on the simple fact that NO ONE on this show is trustworthy except the Liars themselves. Everyone else is suspect. Hooray for equality!

  3. I’ve taken Sara Harvey as a stand in for Alison to show why Emison is such a bad idea. Emily is acting the same way she did to Ali in 5A.

    I find Ali really interesting this season. She’s trying to find an identity outside of the group and does so by dressing like her mom, going to church, coaching a kids soccer team, and dating a cop. Hate Lorenzo but I find it fascinating that Ali goes for a cop. Someone who has good moral standing in the eyes of the town/public opinion. It’s like Ali brainstormed what a “good citizen” is and has just been doing them trying to be that type of person. But it doesn’t feel like real Ali because that’s not who she is. She’s the girl who gives her dad sleeping pills. She’s trying to be something she’s not which is quite heartbreaking. She thinks she needs to change to be seen as a good/decent person.

  4. Though I guess now that Claire confirmed she’s actually Sara we can dispense of the Sara-is-Bethany theory. That still doesn’t mean Sara isn’t shady as fuck, or that she’s not working with Charles/A. The fact that she wasn’t chipped but the Liars all were is a pretty big tell, IMO. Though, I guess Mona wasn’t chipped either? Do we have confirmation of that?

  5. Can I just say HH, your commitment to referring to Mr Dilaurentis as Vernon deserves endless rounds of applause. Also I second your Sara feelings. Trust no bitch…equally.

  6. I don’t think Sara is shady – I think it’s just that Emily got the “dealing with the trauma” long storyline and she isn’t dealing very well since everything she herself feels she transfers to Sara – Emily is dealing with her trauma by obsessing on Sara, which should lead to a Sara leaving town is a Emily getting better moment. At least, that’s how her storyline feels to me – but then again, you’ve the “romance” music playing as if they were actually a shippable couple, also – I think Sara will be sticking around for a long while because other reasons.

    The less Alison is interacting with the liars, the more the show suck (since it’s so awesome when she does.) I am hoping, but not believing, Alison will interact more with Mona – that Mona picking her up with her car was just the first of many scenes. Alison actually dealing with her past behavior would be more interesting than just trying on a new face like she is doing now. It’s just 3 more episodes and then everything changes – hopefully they have a lot of spencer and hanna arguing about words while aria is clawing on dolls in the background.

  7. I totally agree about Alison not being Alison this season. Why didn’t you start drugging people ages ago? Why have you been letting your dad keep you from leaving the house all season? I mean, maybe because last time you did you got killed by everyone in Rosewood, but girl. Get it together.

    I disagree about that Hermione scene, though! I love that moment; it’s a coming-of-age moment we all have, I think, when the horrors we’ve heard about that permeate our world and history stop being these figurative nightmares and become the stark reality; when we finally let go of the belief that we’re somehow safe, or that things will somehow be okay. I’ve always thought it was a moment of strength, for movie!Hermione; she takes the big bad thing, the scariest thing in the world, and forces herself to look it in the eye.

    Also, you might like this one: I’ve seen a lot of people theorizing that when Sara kisses Emily in this episode, she’s doing it to check if the tracker is still there, hence her hand going to Emily’s neck.

  8. This was one of the most stupid PLL episodes ever. I know you can learn to do pretty much anything from Youtube, but cutting your friend’s neck open is not the same as winged eyeliner. At least Mike and Mona had a scene – I’m not sure why but I like them as a couple, though obviously Hanna is Mona’s soulmate.

    • I disagree. I have a daughter with type 1 diabetes and we’ve learned to do a number of medical procedures from the Internet. You can order all kinds of medications online now, the trackers probably weren’t deep under the surface; with sterile equipment and a sharp Exacto knife this is perfectly believable to me. I’ve given myself stitches, and shots, people lance boils at home on YouTube. With enough determination heckfire, you bet those girls could do it themselves. If people can pierce their own ears or (unfortunately) slit their own wrists. Why not?

  9. I was annoyed with Mike this episode. Like his whole deal is to be all ‘I’ve tried to contact her hundreds of times, she won’t see me! What do I DO????!!!’

    Maybe take no for an answer, Mike. You don’t keep trying endlessly for the answer you want. But of course, he was rewarded in the end because UGH. But seriously, not sure how much clearer Mona could have been to STAY AWAY.

    Also, Jason, if you wanna see Charles that’s fine. You can visit him in prison/the new bunker Spencer has built to keep him in. For now, let the safety of the girls that you used to secretly film for wank material take precedence, maybe? Asshole. Also, his hair was terrible this episode what was up with that.

    • His hair was ofurwhelmed by the supurreme betrayal that was not being allowed to cuddle his brother. Not quite as bad as Toby’s hair has been at times, but it was awful. But then Jason got a new head and stopped wearing suits once, so maybe he got a hair transplant? OMG can we have an epussode where he gets Charles’ hair like that Simpsons Treehouse of Horror one?

  10. Also, I have a naked Chinese Crested dog – since she is not covered in neck fur I can see her little microchip. They aren’t that deep in there, nor that large. If it’s pretty much the same thing I suspect they might be fairly safe and easy to remove. But who knows, really.

  11. “I think my ability to be skeptical about Sarah the way I am skeptical about Jason and Wren and Garbage Art Johnny says a lot about my feminism, y’all. I’m about equality.”

    The problem is what I see in this story-line is Emily behaving the way we constantly criticize male characters for behaving towards their love interests. Sara is the real Red Herring of this season, not all the obviously obvious ones.

  12. – Is it me, or did the dialog in the Mike/Mona scene seem real YA?
    – If the check was made out to Hanna, how did Ashley deposit it?
    – If one gummy is supposed to get you high, wouldn’t the amount that Tobey ate have killed him?
    – Did we all just forget about the car that tried to kill Sara?
    – Yes, there’s another -A behind Charles. It’s Spencer!
    – Let’s see how many people should be in SERIOUS trouble from this episode:
    — Lorenzo. Went copping someplace else, and tried for some off the books justice.
    — Tobey. Everything Lorenzo did, and he was high as a kite.
    — Spencer. Illegally possessing pot candy.
    — Spencer’s connection. Illegally supplied her with pot candy.

    – Another thought has occurred to me: Are they setting up the Liars to have their relationships end before the time jump?
    — Aria and Ezra appear to be done. God let them be done.
    — Tobey and Spencer seem like they’re about to destruct, what with the pot candy, the lies, and the schemes.
    — Hanna seems to be outgrowing Caleb. She’s gone through a major life changing event, and it seems like Caleb is going to be a casualty of that change.
    — Emily’s never really had a steady girlfriend so…

    • Agreed. Either they’re setting up the relationships to end, or they’re ramping up to a dramatic reunion and hot and heavy make-up sex. Wait. Haleb already did that. I think it’s likely Hannah & Caleb will survive the jump but not the other ships. (In terms of popularity they are strongest)

  13. I know I’ve made this point before, but it really disgusts me to see this show laud the police as ‘good guys’ who can protect the girls (like Spencer’s baffling insistence on Toby being a cop like he’s a fucking superhero now), especially as police brutality is being covered more and more in the media. It just seems so obliviously tone-deaf to watch on this show, which I guess is the best representation of white privilege ever. Ugh.

  14. “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends” is basically what Quinn sang to Rachel w/r/t Faberrittana, and also what all the liars sing to each other on the regular.

  15. Ok but those kids were all the same age. Shouldn’t Charlie-Freddie have been like 13 in that flashback? Shouldn’t Ali have been like 6? For that matter, shouldn’t Jason and Ali have a few years between them?

    • I didn’t think they looked that close in age. I have three kids who are 8, 11, and 14 (I’m one of the rare “old” fans)

      Anyway, until the last two years they all looks like children. Height differences were all that mattered. I think Freddie was a believable 11 or 12 and Ali a believable 6 or 7 it wasn’t a huge stretch for me. You should see my Girl Scout Troop (wish I could post a photo, but won’t for security reasons) those girls are all within a year of each other from 8 to 9 years old. Some of them are tiny and look very much like little girls. One even is in talks with her doc about weight gain concerns. (But she’s just petite if you ask me) on the opposite end of the scale there a couple who have body hair and need bras.

  16. Seriously, this episode. Ali screaming “he’s alive?” She can’t find her dad’s CAR KEYS?

    You’re a DiLaurentis, Alison. Get it the fuck together. You can’t hotwire the car? Get in your plane. For that matter, why did you even get in your dad’s car in the first place? NEVER go to a second location with a parent. Hasn’t five years of getting killed by people taught you anything?

    And Spencer would never believe “a gun and a badge” could keep her safe. Not even her own intellect can keep her safe, and its the strongest force on the planet. Well, second-strongest. First is Hufflepuff Hannah’s love.

  17. Heather, you consistently outdo yourself. How?? I am in awe.

    I could watch a whole season of just Hannah and Spencer talking in a coffee shop. I could also stand to see that raccoon image in every single recap. It makes me laugh every time because it so perfectly encompasses my feelings about so many things on this show. But mostly Toby.

  18. It is astonishing how much joy I get from watching PLL and then reading these re-caps! My wife doesn’t understand and thinks it’s ludicrous that I cackle over this incomprehensible red-herring of a show targeted at 12 y/o girls but I’ve explained that I do meet its other demographic audience of snarky lesbians. Thanks for this!

  19. “So many things people say in this episode make me feel like my brain is scrambled eggs. This show is always bonkers and I love it, but usually the things the Liars say about the bonkers-ness make sense.”

    THIS HAS BEEN MY WHOLE THING THIS ENTIRE SEASON. I’m really beginning to feel that strain of “oh shit we have way more seasons than we planned for, shit shit shit we have to MAKE UP THE TIME SOMEHOW” and they’re just running around in circles like making them say the weirdest shit so that they can fill the next 15 minutes.

    I feel like this show is about 90% more than it’s best self, like, it would probably be the most amazing miniseries with like 8 hard-hitting installments. It’s in episodes like this that you really feel like you’re drowning in that 90% of Other Stuff.

    In a way PLL is a lot like Xena for me, where like on the one major hand it’s “I love this show so much and it’s campiness is the greatest gift and I will go to the grave defending it” and on the other hand it’s like out of the blue they’ll have these incredibly ham-fisted moments of out of characterness just to force a plot along to fill an episode/arc.

    I also do NOT like this direction it feels like they might be going with “Charles” where it’s like how they treat every male character on this show, how they show them as these unspeakable villains who do the most terrible things, and right when you think they’re going to land the final blow holding them fully accountable for what they’re doing, they weirdly go “oh, well look at it from THEIR point of view! They were SAD about it! They aren’t really bad!” At least that’s what I was kind of feeling with this whole thing about Charles and Jason and showing that perfectly normal happy little boy being like “oh but must I leave the party being thrown just for me mother?” with big doe eyes and shit.

    Also didn’t someone figure out that Charles was supposed to be like much older than Ali? But in that video they all look to be the same age? Man this episode was a mess.

  20. So Spencer had her hair down, then she put it up in a bun, clearly so they could get at the tracker – sort of makes sense, but my bun would NOT be that purrfect. Then she fucking has a headband braid at the police station. Was she doing that whilst Lorenzo was getting tennis balled? I know there were more things wrong with this epussode, but wtf?

  21. Yeah the lunch with Claire scene made me so uncomfortable. My favorite part of this recap was Cooper getting arrested and Toby failing to understand Spencers umpteenth coming out. Thanks for helping me process my Toby is fucking awful why did he steal those gummy bears, why does he have to be so incompetent and sexist feelings. One question though, what was that about screaming like a blind person?

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