Date night! Aria and Spencer talk on the phone about how girls rule and boys drool, and also about how Aria will keep an eye on Mike if Spencer will promise not to turn him over to the police or pit wolves or whatever for stealing their blood. (Aria doesn’t really believe he stole their blood.) They make smooch noises into the phone and hang up and then the opposite of a smooch noises shiftily shifts into Spencer’s kitchen. I am talking about Johnny. He tells her he booked a gig painting a mural at Hollis tonight, in the middle of the night, and she should come along for fun and wear all black and gloves and not tell anyone where she’s going and no flashlights.
I feel like, at this point, the only way any of the Liars should be allowed to hang out with anyone outside of the Core Seven (Liars plus Toby, Caleb, Paige) or the Liars’ Moms is if they get written permission from Hanna and it’s for a prescribed meeting situation. Who, how long, in what well-lit place. Johnny would not pass Marin Muster, I guarantee you that.
But Spencer’s going with him because he’s dangling that no-college carrot in front of her face and she is flat done being fucked by the system.
Aria answers Mike’s cell phone and it’s jail calling for Hank Mahoney. Aria marches right up to Mike’s room shouting about, “And who is Hank Mahoney, huh? Is that the person you’re leaving gummy bears for in the woods? Is Hank Mahoney some weird code name that really means Hanna Marin? Is Hank Mahoney Alison, dude? Because I know you had a fight with Mona the night before she died and that Alison is a wizard and I can’t piece together why that’s any of Hank Mahoney’s business or what it has to do with you stealing blood and walking around dressed like Toby Cavanaugh right now, but maybe that’s because I lost a pint of blood earlier!” Mike slams the door in her face.
Inside his bedroom, Mike Gchats Hank Mahoney about how he’s got the goods and the goods is blood and he’ll bring the goods to him tomorrow. Remember when we thought Mike was A+, but he was just depressed? What if this time we think Mike is A+, but he’s just involved in some kind of blood doping scheme? Remember when he lived under the porch and ate Doritos?
At Hollis, on the dilapidated part of campus, Spencer and Johnny set up a ladder and get to work on his totally legitimately commissioned art installation. He talks about how he’s not good at choosing girls who are interested in dating him and she talks about how she is good at literally everything. He paints, and then he goads her into painting. She falls off the ladder, he catches her and stares deeply into her eyes until she blinds him with her headlamp. This clown is like if a John Hughes movie mated with Will Schuester and they left their baby to be raised by a colony of feral cats in Williamsburg. I hate him so much. He’s so proud of himself, like he’s inspiring Spencer to follow her truth by tricking her into committing vandalism. And I don’t care about the vandalism. I love when A spray paints all over shit. It’s the smug, insufferable Johnny Knows Best thing he’s doing. I hope Emily stabs him.
Speaking of which lesbian rage, she’s just cleaning up at the Book Shoppe while Ezra does paperwork, and because she has been trained by Spencer these many years, she can’t help but sneaky-peek at what he’s reading in case any of the confidential employment files contain information pertinent to keeping them out of jail, or are able to inspire flashbacks to information it would have been useful to disclose to the group in season one.
She does not peep any of that kind of data. But what she does peep is Talia’s last name, which is not the same as the last name she told Emily, because she has two last names, because Talia is married.
Emily plays it cool the next day at work, refusing to confront Talia with these new truths until Talia tries to feed Emily some plum pudding and Emily bites the spoon in half. Talia’s like, “Oh, hey now. Are you okay?” And no! Emily is not okay! She does not understand how a person can say they like her, can smooch her on her face, and the whole time be married and not telling her about it! It’s no “I’ve been faking my death for two years,” in terms of secrets, but Emily is very displeased.
She only gets angrier and more suspicious when she sees Mike withdrawing $400 cash from bank account with $18,000 in it. If that’s the college fund Mona left Hanna, Mike, I swear to God.