Orange Is The New Black Episode 302 Recap: Bed Bugs Stop The World. World Stop.

Hello and welcome to the second recap of the third season of Orange is The New Black which has all my friends in a binge-watching time-warp codependent relationship with Netflix. Hey, at least we’re all in this together!


Flaca has bumps on her arms, obviously they must be crabs. She lists all the different ages she’s been when crabs have taken over her body. Each year has a delightful, warm-hearted anecdote re: crabs. She tells this to Dr. Dude whom I’ve never seen before but when do I ever really pay attention to men? Anyway, back to the crabs which turn out to not be crabs because you don’t get crabs on your arms. At least that’s what Dr. Dude says. Flaca’s shocked. She hasn’t even had her arms near anyone’s chacha. So how for she get bitted?

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h42m31s23

Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh, totally emotionless except for her heart

She's lump, she's lump She's in my head

She’s lump, she’s lump
She’s in my head

Dr. Dude runs off in a panic.


We flash to Flaca and Maritza on the Latina side of Prisonlandia ripping sheets off their metal cots. IT’S BED BUGS TIME. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun BED BUGS! Sing it with me to the tune of the Batman theme song. Everybody now!

Maritza isn’t phased. Like bed bugs for real? Or more like poison ivy? Or scabies? Or possibly an allergy to mashed potatoes? No, bitch, it’s chinches.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h43m20s12

I’m Kim. You’re Khloe. We talked about this, Flaca.

Flaca takes a minute to give us Bed Bugs 101:

  • They don’t live on you.
  • They live on your sheets, and clothes and shit.
  • Wash everything.
  • Flaca didn’t give NOBODY bed bugs. Someone gave them to her.

    Yo but for real, I don't even know Joel Marsh Garland like that.

    Yo but for real, I don’t even know Joel Marsh Garland like that.

Daya and Aledia stroll through San Litchfield. — How is Daya still pregnant? Have we talked about this? Riese, did you see how pregnant she still is? Is Daya ¼ elephant? We should have jumped into this season with a pretty little chubby baby but nope.

Get your change out. I heard the Mr. Softee song, bitches.

Get your change out. I heard the Mr. Softee song, bitches.

Anyway. Daya adds her fifty cents and a quarter water to the “is it scabies?” debate raging between Maritza and Flaca and everyone else. Her verdict? “Cooties are still cooties.”

But where did the chinches come from? Daya’s grubby little garbage pail sister? Maritza’s waitressing job at a hotel in Miami? No. According to Aleida, they came from Flaca’s “hairy chia pet poon” and they’ve been living in there since before Flaca got locked up. In fact, the very first bed bug breathed its first breath in Flaca’s chia poon.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h44m51s140

Word spreads like a bedbugs outbreak and Blanca demands that Flaca and Maritza stay on their side of the dorms. Gloria orders everyone to strip their beds. Aleida let’s out a long fuck, the kind of fuck we all need to let out sometimes…

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun BED BUGS!


Red walks to her old digs with Piper. Before she turns the corner, she takes off her “sad clown” expression and throws on her “I’m a bad old bitch” face. Necessary facial changes, y’all.

Russian God of War give me strength and free power ups.

Piper, the cherubic spawn of Polly Pocket and Dennis the Menace, is happy that Red’s back. Red gives her the cold shoulder. Piper is a lying sack of weasels and Red doesn’t have time for that shit. See, last season, when Piper got furlough because she’s white, had political leverage, and there was a death in her family, she passed by Red’s family business. It was shuttered. Instead of being real with Red, Piper, the lying sack of weasels, lied to Red and said business was booming. She lied to Red, y’all. So Red’s pissed because her morose-looking sons and bumblefuck husband visited on Mother’s Day and she knows something’s up with the business.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h45m41s158

I’ve had a yeast infection for 48 days. 48 days.

Obviously in Piper’s world, lying makes everything better. She’s still figuring out how to live with consequences, jeez. Red takes two marshmallows and stuffs one in each ear. No time for this. None. Piper takes this opportunity to wax about her very real and firsthand knowledge of an exotic culture. This time it’s Korean culture, next week it could be Indian. Who knows? As Piper speaks the language of her people, NPR-ese, Red calls bullshit.

Bullshit in Russian is “Bullshit.”

And I am Jack! The Pumpkin King.

And I am Jack! The Pumpkin King.

Red calls Piper “a selfish little person” which is Russian for a “lying sack of weasels.”


Next up we have Mendez’s Stepford Mom with a Heart of Gold visiting ye olde jail.

First Name: Momma Last Name: Pornstache

First Name: Momma
Last Name: Pornstache

Bennett has an internal panic attack over Mendez’s mom visiting Daya’s fam. Mendez’s Mom admits to also having the fever for Latina Flavor, so she’s totally down with this whole situation.

Oh thank God! Now I don't have to claim this baby or face any charges related to abusing an inmate. But who am I kidding? Daya's never giving birth!

Oh thank God! Now I don’t have to claim this baby or face any charges related to abusing an inmate. But let’s be real. Daya’s never giving birth!

Pornstache loves ya, mami.


Mendez’s Mom admires Aleida’s Hispanic skin. But Aleida wants to know if bitch has her money.

I speak in dollar bills and child neglect coins.

I speak in dollar bills and child neglect coins.

Oh yeah? Well, I speak white lady. BOOM. Insert reggae air horns.

Oh yeah? Well, I speak Rich White Lady. BOOM. Insert reggae air horns.

It all boils down to Mendez’s well-off white lady mom wanting to adopt Daya’s baby and give it a better life. Daya’s hood family will be no match for Mendez Gilmore of the Connecticut Gilmores. Aleida gets a cut, the baby gets a rich white family, and EVERYONE WINS. Except Daya.

Daya is gonna suffer bad emotionals her whole life.


Latinaville is bustling with bras and super comfy tighty whiteys. Since the bedbugs came from Flaca’s chia poon, everything must burn or be washed.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h48m33s75

These poons are on fiiiire.

Anyway here comes the mope-faced nebbish Bennett. He reminds me of a soggy bowl of Cheerios. I can’t with him. He’s in the dorms while they’re undressed-ish even though only female guards are allowed.

I told you to sync grocery lists with me. But no, you never listen, and now we have three containers of almond milk in the fridge.

I told you to sync grocery lists with me. But no, you never listen, and now we have three containers of almond milk in the fridge.

Daya’s still pregnant and in her underwear while they’re having a super awkward and whiny conversation about the meeting of the moms. They flirt and it’s gross not ’cause they’re straight but because of his privilege and her imprisonment.

Who the fuck even drinks almond milk?

Who the fuck even drinks almond milk?

If you say one thing about almond milk...

If you say one more thing about almond milk…

Daya’s made up her mind. She’s keeping her baby. Ooh, she’s gonna keep her baby.

What will the women wear now that they’ve had to give up their clothing? Send in Office Depot’s new fall line of paper bag hazmat dresses! Cue fashion show!

Caputo takes this moment to brush his scruffy whiskers against Bennett’s smooth-as-a-baby’s-butt-cheeks. He whispers, “It’s me.” Bennett stiffens, he pants, “Yes, daddy, I knew.”

The love that one man has for another man is second only to the love he has for his mustache.

The love that one man has for another man is second only to the love he has for his mustache.

Caputo gives Bennett shit for stalking Daya and tells him that the way to deal with being around womenfolks is to choke ones chicken. Flog one’s bishop. Jam one’s jimmy. Just beat it. I could continue.

As the wisdom of men is passed on through the generations, Caputo is informed that they’re out of construction paper uniforms. Enter Litchfield’s first “Super Casual Friday.”


Bennett’s army days are in full flashback swing. He’s as annoying as a soldier as we’d all expect him to be. Yes, sir, I’m ready to get in the shit, sir! Cue army-style slurs for Arabic people. Cue helicopters. Cue Bennett using his good old American charm to win over his superior.

French fries and a chocolate frosty before suiting up was a v bad idea.

French fries and a chocolate frosty before suiting up was a very bad idea.

Get yourself a snack and come back.


And we’re back at the lesbian pajama party brunch, Bras-n-Panties v. Team Blue Scrubs. Everyone’s scratching.

Pajama breakfast at A-camp.

Scott and Wanda are grumbling about money. Caputo sends Wanda to pick up more Office Depot hazmat prom dresses for the inmates.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate Maritza.

Screen Shot 2015-06-15 at 9.03.23 PM

Cue the Alicia Keys interlude from You Don’t Know My Name


Black Cindy shoos away unwelcomed guests at the VIP table. In drops Poussey wearing a garlic chain, a black sports bra and cute grey briefs. I’m sure some of us took in a very deep breath when she walked into the scene. Ahem. — Also, who’s the person sitting next to Watson? Cuz she made my heart skip a beat. I definitely paused and rewound to catch a glimpse of her again. Why can’t life be more like Netflix? —

I've come to liberate all your bored girlfriends. May they be my wives, if they please, and live on with me in Instagram fame.

I’ve come to liberate all your bored girlfriends. May they be my wives, if they please, and live on with me in Instagram fame.

Poussey is wearing the garlic necklace she bought at La Botanica GloNo. It wards off the evil chinche spirits and offers protection as she fulfills her destiny as the Avatar.

But what everyone at the table really wants to know is why are the Latinas still making food with Flaca’s chia poon if all the bed bugs came from there? PROTEINZ.

Wait, this is arroz con chinches?!

Wait, this is arroz con chinches?!

It’s been three days since Black Cindy showered and I think she looks glorious. Taystee thinks that’s the reason she’s itching. Everyone else thinks it’s gross.

No, I'm the only one who gets to eat the candy on my candy-necklace.

No, I’m the only one who gets to eat the candy on my candy-necklace.

Poor personal hygiene can be a sign of depression. Suzanne is a prophet.

Tits, pits, and naughty bits are really the only things that need scrubbing, according to Black Cindy.

Everything else can ferment. Like Pensatucky’s old teeth.

Pensatucky’s new teeth decided it’d be a good idea to sit at the Black Women- only table. Note: don’t sit at the Black Women’s Only table unless you have a permission slip signed by everyone already sitting at the Black Women Only table and everyone who’s ever sat at the table and everyone who ever will sit at the table.

If I gather enough drool in my mouth, I can make a bubble, y'all.

If I gather enough drool in my mouth, I can make a bubble, y’all.

And THEN Pensatucky decides to go in on Vee. So she drops her white ass into their VIP table and then proceeds to shit upon someone who they have a complicated love/hate relationship with? Suzanne wastes no time in attempting to potato-whomp Pensatucky. Taystee calms Suzanne down so she doesn’t get thrown into solitary.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h53m03s204

I challenge you to the ultimate Pokémon showdown.

Pensatucky is summoned to drive the jail to society prison shuttle. If you’re nice, she’ll also take you to In-N-Out Burger.


The scene ripple fades to Piper asking Alex whether she’s hungry or not.

“I’m not standing in that parade of tits and ass.” Well you knew what you signed up for when you agreed to be the Grand Marshall of the Reno Pride Parade, Laura Prepon. You knew!

Why don't I ever get scenes with Poussey?

Why don’t I ever get scenes with Poussey?

Alex is convinced that there’s a target on her back. She’s worried about getting shanked in her sleep, rightfully so. And Piper, being the out-of-touch-basic-ass main character we’re all forced to suffer, tells Alex that she’ll survive and that the cockroach is her “spirit animal.” Y’all can those of us who aren’t Native stop calling things our spirit animals? Like I thought we all already knew not to do that.

I've got the whole world in my hands. I've got the whole word in my hands.

I’ve got the whole world in my hands. I’ve got the whole word in my hands.

Alex is over it too. She asks Piper to really think about what she just said and of course, Piper doesn’t. Piper goes on and on about how awesomeness of roaches. Since Alex doesn’t have a potato, she can’t potato whomp Piper. Alex walks away instead.


Nichols and Big Boo notice a slew of early releases exiting the prison. They talk about drug smuggling. It’s all very Breaking Bad. Bonus: Big Boo in a black sports bra too.

You wanna be butch, Carmen? I'll teach you how to be fucking butch.

You wanna be butch, Carmen? I’ll teach you how to be fucking butch.


If you don’t know about the ways oatmeal can spice up a spell, too fucking bad. Gloria’s not about to share that knowledge. Actually, it’s for the itching re: Flaca’s bed bugs.

How are you gonna make arronz con chinches without Adobo?

How are you gonna make arronz con chinches without Adobo?

Bennett, once again abusing his power, corners Aleida in the back of the kitchen and questions her motives around meeting up with Mendez’s Mom. Daya’s there too. Still pregnant, btw.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h03m26s27

But if we do a remake of the Papa Don’t Preach video, do we have to get Madonna’s permission?

Aleida breaks down MM’s reason for wanting to adopt Daya’s baby. She has a nice home, lots of money, and she feels guilty for raising Mendez. Together, the baby and Mendez’s mom get a fresh starts. Bennett tries to interrupt but he gets the shut-the-fuck-up finger from Aleida.

Affluenza isn't real, bucko.

Affluenza isn’t real, bucko.

Daya’s still got time on her sentence. So does her mom. Grandma’s too old. Cesar might use the baby as bait in a dog fight. What’s a girl to do??

Daya’s not sure if she’s gonna keep her baby. But she also doesn’t know that her moms just shook down Mendez’s mom for a monthly allowance. Bloop.


Cue the worst and most hilarious version of “Hollaback Girl.” I didn’t ask for topless men to hump around to that ridiculous song but it happened. Bennett and his army buddies lip synced for their lives during their tour. Mother Ru still hasn’t decided who won RPDR Army Edition. Bennett explains homoeroticism to a Muslim soldier. It’s what American dudes do for funs. No homo, bro.

Let me hear you say "This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"

Let me hear you say “This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”


We flash to the 24 hour Meth Laundro-Mat. Leanne and Friend are being funny and gross. Soso is complaining about some shit. She wants bean leaves because they cured her last bout of bed bugs. Those didn’t come from Flaca’s chia poon. They came from Portland.

And then we added chia seeds, kale, and organic clover honey to the bed bugs and made smoothies!

And then we added chia seeds, kale, and organic clover honey to the bed bugs and made smoothies!

Nichols sets up the fans ’cause it’s hot. Leanne tells Nichols not to spread her gayness and we learn that Leanne calls her poon a “soggy box.” Mmm gotta love soggy boxes.

Things that go in my soggy box: Dicks, Tampons, and Other things Men Hafta Put Up There.

Things that go in my soggy box: Dicks, Tampons, and Other things Men Hafta Put Up There.

We get another topless man when Leschek strips to his skivvies so his clothes can get washed. If you’re a misandrist, this is the perfect time to go get another snack or pour more wine into your cup. I think even if you like men, this is the perfect time to do those things too.


And then we’re in the bathroom and Black Cindy is spraying her luscious body down with some Lysol. Taystee expresses concern over Black Cindy’s chemical body spray to which Black Cindy replies, “Please, My Grandma used to douche with disinfectant.”

Oh, what a beautiful mornin’! Oh, what a beautiful day! I’ve got a beautiful feelin’! Everything’s going my way.

Suzanne gives us the truth on chinches. Never let them smell your fear cuz then they’ve won. As Taystee gives in to Lysol pressure, Alex walks in and explains why warning labels are important. Suzanne isn’t having it with white girls today, tho. She gives Alex the mal de ojo because she’s all out of potatoes.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h11m04s7

If I poke my finger through the concrete, I can make a sky light.

In walks Piper and she learns that Lysol is cheaper than condoms and makes your cootchie crest lemon fresh. Thanks, Black Cindy. Thank you forever. And thanks for asking the question of the century: Um when did our bathrooms get gentrified??

Next you're going to be crying cuz you can't afford to live in Brooklyn anymore.

Next you’re going to be crying cuz you can’t afford to live in Brooklyn anymore.

The inmates are hurried up and told to exit the bathroom by Maxwell. So of course, Alex and Piper pay her no mind and continue to do as they please. Alex, stressed about getting murked, gives C.O. Maxwell all the attitude and somehow Piper is able to convince Maxwell to be easy on Alex. If this was Wentworth, C.O. Maxwell would have slotted them both. But no this is OITNB, so C.O. Maxwell pats them both on the head and let’s them go back to playing doctor in the bathroom.

Listen, I think you're cool but I'm not wiping your ass.

Listen, I think you’re cool but I’m not wiping your ass.

Alex and Piper share a tender moment from opposite sides of the bathroom door. They’re the embodiment of the worst relationship ever. Like if someone hustles you into prison after you’ve hustled them into prison, maybe y’all shouldn’t be in love.

How many tears do I have to shed before I get to be in a scene with someone who isn't Piper?

How many tears do I have to shed before I get to be in a scene with someone who isn’t Piper?


Bennett passed a note to Daya during gym class so now they’re meeting at their special spot in the yard. Bennett proposes to Daya with a ring he made out of gum wrappers (?). Sigh. I can’t, won’t ship them y’all.

Smigel's gonna be pissed. Haaaaaaa.

Smigel’s gonna be pissed. Haaaaaaa.


At the far end of the yard, where no one can see, Nichols attempts to speak in code to Luschek. She even puts on a puppet show for him. She’s got copious amounts of heroin and she wants him to be their transportation out of prison. Luschek is about as slow as a sleeping, pregnant tree-sloth. But eventually he gets it — not before abusing his power to scares Nichols into thinking she got busted. Hahahaha I have the power to send you to solitary or max security. Hahahaha.

Shut up about your "Not All Men" support group. Help me, Lesbian Jesus.

Shut up about your “Not All Men” support group.


Oh Poussey, how did you get here? Why are you really wearing cloves of garlic? Is this really the storyline we want for Poussey? Cloves of garlic?

You said this was a garlic and trashbags party. Why am I the only one wearing garlic and trash bags?

You said this was a garlic and trashbags party. Why am I the only one wearing garlic and trash bags?

Anyway. Gloria gave Poussey an egg and in turn Poussey put all of her 99 problems in it which include, Why doesn’t Taystee love me? How do I get books back into the library? And how do I make this garbage bag dress into something more masculine-of-center?

Gloria drops the eggs back with the other eggs. Poussey is disturbed and wonders if others are going to now eat her feelings for Taystee or something like that.

You don't know nan ho that can crack an egg like me.

You don’t know nan ho that can crack an egg like me.

Norma — who has literally been the side focal point of this whole episode — goes behind Gloria’s back and removes the egg from rotation. Norma is the chosen one. No one fucks with Norma’s budding santera self.


We flash to Piper and Alex who remind me of Morticia Adams and Clair Dunphy on some endless prison date, sitting in the lunchroom. Alex believes she’s going through a nervous breakdown.

At least, I didn't end up married to Ashton Kutcher.

At least I didn’t end up married to Ashton Kutcher.

Red hovers behind Piper and assures her that she’ll think of the right lie to comfort Alex. Piper, in her best monotone voice, tells Piper about her lie to Red. She’s a good girl after all, y’all.

Piper knows that the universe brought them together. ‘Cause like what else could the universe be doing anyway? Just when Alex is on her side and agreeing that their wretched connection is the most beautiful thing in the world — Piper goes for the truth-telling gold. She triple axels over Alex’s head, and sticks her landing as world’s greatest truth teller.

Once, I stole a Berkin bag and then the clerk ended up giving it to me anyway cuz she saw how upset I was and omg I was so fucking scared.

Once, I stole a Birkin bag and then the clerk ended up giving it to me anyway cuz she saw how upset I was and omg I was so fucking scared.

Piper: Bitch, I’m the one who got you in here. I made the call to have someone call your parole officer. I slagged on you. Bam.

Alex whips Piper in the face with a lunch tray. No. But she should have. Instead, Alex calls her a manipulative cunt using her Villain-In-An-Action-Movie voice.

NAILED IT!

NAILED IT!

End scene with Piper wide-eyed, completely shocked that her truthery didn’t lead to sexing times with Alex.


Chinches in the library = BURN ALL THE BOOKS AND KILL POUSSEY’S SOUL

Taystee did eat a questionable muffin crumb that was probably a bed bug. Why did they make Taystee eat this thing? What is happening on this show?

So hypothetically, the clitoris would already be engorged and my tongue would go like somewhere around here?

So hypothetically, the clitoris would already be engorged and my tongue would go like somewhere around here?


And in the world of the absolute worst ideas ever, Bennett takes his Howdy Doody ass to visit Cesar and see how Daya’s family lives. Bennett needs to know if it’s cool to dump his baby here for a bit, just until things like cool off, you know?

Wait, you want me to play Hedwig on Broadway?!

Wait, you want me to play Hedwig on Broadway?!

In the time that Aleida and Daya have been in prison, which is somehow shorter than the time Daya’s been pregnant, Cesar’s knocked up some other chica and she’s given birth. How did she give birth before Daya? MYSTERIES!

Bennett’s proposal to Daya in the prison schoolyard gives him a pass into Cesar’s home. PS- I love the Dominican and Puerto Rican accents on this show. They’re so New York. It’s like music to my ears, y’all. Anyway.

Bebe's kids don't die. We multiply.

Bebe’s kids don’t die. We multiply.

Four kids and a baby are seen in the background of this scene. Cuz you know us Latinos, always having about 4-6 babies per person. Cesar loses his temper with the kids and his new baby’s momma. Bennett gets to stay for dinner.


Caputo finds out for sure that Litchfield is closing in two months.


During dinner, Cesar pulls out a gun on his son for not eating french fries.

This is some bullshit.

This is some bullshit.

Listen, I’ve got about 57 boy cousins, running the gamut from those involved in less-than-reputable employment pursuits and those in trade unions or the army, servers, teachers, et cetera. And NONE of them have ever pulled a gun on their kid. I’m sure it happens but that scene just left me dumbfounded. Like damn, okay they’re hood so what but damn, now they’ve got to also be abusive/ borderline murderous folks?

Bennett doesnt even stand up to Cesar. He stays there and hangs around in a scene that goes on for a little too long. Poor Daya. Ay.

Five. That's how much I've got on it.

Five. That’s how much I’ve got on it.


We flash back to Bennett with his platoon watching as bombs are dropped over enemy targets. The Muslim soldier from before tries to warn them of a bomb threat but he gets shot by a US soldier. The other Muslim soldiers toss a grenade into the barracks and Bennett’s buddy throws his body onto it.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h24m21s52

Damn, I don’t even have a joke for this one.


And in the most questionable transition ever, instead of an explosion we cut to the sound of a dog farting. Ew. Right into Healey’s office. Gag.

see video title above

see video title above

Red asks Healey to take her husband off her visitor’s list and add her lawyer. Healey opens his mouth and dribbles out unwanted marital advice and probably crumbs from his breakfast too.

Red shuts him down and says she’s dumping her husband and spending the rest of her sentence getting the butt. Once again, Healey takes this as an opportunity to lament over his failed mail-order bride situation. Can we get this guy a parrot or something?

Of course I have the right to make decisions about what women can do with their bodies. I had a mom once.

Of course I have the right to make decisions about what women can do with their bodies. I had a mom once.


Nichols lies to Boo about the heroin getting stolen.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h25m45s119

Fun Home spoke to me in a way that no other musical ever has and if you say one more thing about “Ring of Keys”, I will gut you like a pig.


Caputo and friends burn the bed bugs out of the mattresses and books. They also toast marshmallows and sing each other some lez-friendly folks songs.


What do maxi pads, wild leaves, toilet paper and shaving cream have in common? They’re all items used by inmates to keep the chinches away! Obvs, no match for Lysol tho.

Farm to table is a lifestyle.

Farm to table is a lifestyle, not a trend.


Piper: I lie. I get in trouble. I truth. I get in trouble. I can’t do anything right.
Red: What are you asking for? Advice? Here’s some: stop buying into your own horseshit.

Vause was right. It's exhausting to be in scenes with this one.

Vause was right. It’s exhausting to be in scenes with this one.

And the show ended there because that’s all anyone ever needed to tell Piper ever again. All the rest of the inmates were freed thereafter. Except for Jenny Schecter.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h26m29s64

Mallory totally fixed the The L Word, you guise

A ray of bright, warm, shiny light comes down from the heavens and Piper, eyes even wider than a doe’s, says, “Maybe I am manipulative.”


Bennett and Cesar talk man things like infidelity, beers, and not changing diapers. We do get to see a super cute pic of Daya from her Sweet 16.


With just her eyes and one slam of a library door, Piper gets Alex alone.

FEMINIST HULK ON PRISON TV SHOW SNATCH CAUTION TAPE AND SNEAK INTO LIBRARY FOR ROXANE GAY BOOK AND DYKE COMICS.

FEMINIST HULK ON PRISON TV SHOW SNATCH CAUTION TAPE AND SNEAK INTO LIBRARY FOR ROXANE GAY BOOK AND DYKE COMICS.

Alex smacks Piper dead in her face! No bullshit. She smacks her with a solid whap and a cry of “You Bitch!”

Whoa, that was like the back hand of inequality giving me what I deserve.

Whoa, that was like the back hand of inequality giving me what I deserve.

They proceed to have WWE style sex in the library. For those of you into Piper and Alex, I hope this moment was everything you needed it to be.

Fuck, your leather cuffs got caught on my spacers.

Fuck, your leather cuffs got caught on my spacers.

Nom nom nom nomz.

Nom nom nom nomz.

Sorry but bed-bugs, codependent/violent relationships and garbage dresses just don’t do it for me. Just call me a stick in the lesbian prison mud.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h29m10s119

Beep, beep, who got the keys to my jeep?


Bennett cries and takes off in his SUV. BYE BENNETT.

If I rush, I can make it to Hooters for happy hour.

If I rush, I can make it to Hooters for happy hour.

Note: At this episode’s end, Daya was still pregnant.

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gabby

Gabrielle Rivera is an awesomely queer Bronx bred, writer, spoken word artist and director. Her short stories and poems have been published in various anthologies such as the Lambda Award winning Portland Queer: Tales from the Rose City and The Best of Panic! En Vivo from the East Village. Her short film "Spanish Girls are Beautiful" follows a group of young Latina and Caucasian girls who like girls as they hook up, smoke up and try to figure sh*t out. She also freelances for Autostraddle.com while working in the film and television industry. Gabrielle is currently working on her first novel while bouncing around NYC performing spoken word and trying to stick it to the man.

gabby has written 17 articles for us.

78 Comments

  1. hi you’re funny and all these captions made me laugh

    i think piper’s sentence is only like 16 months so we’re moving at a very abbreviated pace. maybe this is in real time like 24.

    i’ve watched the whole season now and i didn’t realize bennett left so early in the season, but well, i guess he did. SEE YA

    • Yeah I think Piper (and by extension Daya, because everyone revolves around Piper) has only been in there like 7 months at the start of this season. But I like the running gag of “Daya’s still pregnant” (even though it looks like she lost weight? It took them a really long time to start using a baby bump.)

    • yay! i’m glad you think i’m funny enough to do recaps with you. cuz seriously those original gleecaps still make me laugh.

      anyway, so the idea here is that time moves hella slow? like each episode is literally like one day or something in Litchfield? or the chronology of three seasons and beyond is based on a 16 month sentence?

      • I think each season is supposed to cover about 3 months. Piper went to prison in October, and the first season ended at Christmas. And somewhere near the end of season 3, Soso says she’s been in prison for about 6 months, and she got to Litchfield in the first episode of season 2. So in this episode, Daya is only about 6 months pregnant.

  2. They’re very fucked up, but I can’t help getting feelings when Alex and Piper do stuff. :P

    I still say why have Ruby Rose on the show and waste her on Piper when she and Poussey could be the hottest couple ever. And Poussey needs a boo!

  3. I thought I was the only one confused by that Cesar scene, I mean I get that he’s a tough drug dealer but I couldn’t see him pulling a gun on one of the kids. Wasn’t he the one pleading with Aledia last season to talk to Daya over the phone and be there for her?

      • That’s true this may be an unpopular opinion but despite Pornsatache being an awful human being at least he was willing to step up to the plate and be there for Daya’s baby despite the consequences of it, which is more than I can say for Bennett.

  4. I fall more and more in love with Black Cindy every episode while getting more and more annoyed at Piper at the same damn time.

    That Bennett video is the greatest thing he has ever done.

    Also, I’m reading this recap after just finishing episode 10. Oh GOD, do I need somebody to talk to after that. Just. Oh My God.

  5. “can those of us who aren’t Native stop calling things our spirit animals? Like I thought we all already knew not to do that.”

    I actually didn’t know that, so thank you! I will henceforth refer to Chang and anyone else as my patronus.

  6. I echo your feelings about, what the f*ck is happening in this show? The Piper/Alex dynamic, the Bennet weirdness, the bed bug epidemic and Taystee eating a bedbug/muffin crumb left me feeling like I was watching a fever dream version of OITNB. I’ve finished the season now, and I really did enjoy it overall, but episodes 1-3 were strange.

    • right it’s such a waste. like that one episode last season where the whole damn thing was about Daya moving her bowels. i felt cheated out of an interesting/thoughtful storyline moment with her. like yes, she’s preggs we get it. morning sickness, constipation, back pain, and more! but a whole episode re: her bms? stop.

      so yes, fever dream episodes are the worst. ps- hi!

  7. On a very serious note, Gabby, if the OITNB writers were smart they’d hire you to do what they apparently have lost the ability to do: Make it fun to hate Piper (at least). Your recap(s) and captions are making me rethink my knee-jerk urge to rage quit the show!

  8. “Arroz con Cinches”.

    The smallest caption, but I laughed for sooooo long, and soooooo hard. Maybe because I kept imagining my Puerto Rican abuela saying it while pointing a spoon at me from her stove over a caldero?

    Yes. That is probably why.

    I’m so happy you will he recapping with us! You, Riese, and Heather are definitely the recapping dream team. It’s going to be a glorious next few weeks :)

    (And yes, alllllllll the PR and DR accents!! It gave me so many nostalgic/ I miss my titis y primos en New York feelings. You are not alone.)

  9. I never managed to hate Bennett as much as he deserved. I think I read him as queer the second I saw him and so no matter his fuckery I could never despise him because I thought of him as fam.

    OOPS.

  10. Just logged in for the first time in months (closer to years) just to give you props for this caption: “How are you gonna make arroz con chinches without Adobo?”

    Also, A+ for the Jenny Schecter reference (ughh, how do I still hate her so much after all these years?)

    Your recaps are the best I’ve read so far. Since I’ve already binged through the season twice (I clearly have too much time on my hands and a tad bit of an obsession) I am really looking forward to the rest of your recaps.

  11. I was dying reading this recap! You had me rollin’, especially the “You Don’t Know My Name” reference. Taking me back to high school!

    I have to say, it’s hot as all hell when Piper tops Alex. I think this is because I can personally connect with Alex’s top vibes and I do enjoy it when I’m caught off guard and a girl surprises me by being more dominant. This scene and the one from season 1 when Piper gets out of the SHU and forces Alex in the chapel are my favorite Vauseman moments for sure. Also, I have a thing for sexually repressed WASPY women. Blame it on my New England upbringing.

  12. so we have thin ONE bisexual/pansexual/multisexual character on the show and OF COURSE she’s a frickin annoying, greedy, manipulative B-word

    fuck you piper
    and fuck you writers team

    i hate this

    • I agree that there aren’t many bi/pan/multisexual characters on the show, and also agree that Piper is a real tool, but I don’t think it’s accurate to say that Piper is the only one. Morello’s relationship with Nicky, despite her “engagement” to Christopher, makes it hard to argue that Morello is monosexual (though I would imagine the character would ID herself that way). Also, I may be wrong about this, but wasn’t Soso proclaiming herself to be straight when she first came to Lichfield? Trying not to spoil, but by the end of Season 3 there’s an implication of a budding romance between Soso and somebody else.

  13. “Tits, pits, and naughty bits are really the only things that need scrubbing, according to Black Cindy.”

    the technical term for that is a ‘glasgow shower’, although traditionally it would be done with toilet paper and hand soap in a public toilet

    • The technical term? :D Hmm, maybe that depends on what kind of racists you have living near you? Pretty sue there is no “technical term”, but it isn’t nice, that is for sure.

      About ten years ago I had never heard that washing in the sink was a thing that had a name (looks like it has several!), but then I was shocked to hear a girl I had just met say she was in a hurry and took a “Mexican Shower” (this is not a girl I like very much, she has no filter in the worst way). I asked what the heck she was talking about since she had a Mexican boyfriend (who is now her ex-husband). I used to be a big scaredy cat about stuff that makes me cringe, hearing someone be so gross and racist so I asked how she could say that and she said “I said it because it’s TRUE!”

      She has like 14 diseases and a kid who runs away every other day now (her FB page? Like the worst soap opera/telenovela ever.

      So no, that is not a “technical term”, more like not nice slang – just insert a whole group of people you think are dirty and boom, cringe- worthy term. People have really expanded on the original icky rude Pollack (sp? I just know how to spell POLISH) jokes.

      PS – wouldn’t toilet paper just fall apart if you got it wet and washed with it?

  14. No matter what happens after this episode I finally got to see Piper going down on Alex and now all is right with the world lol. That scene was infinity levels of hot! I’d say how many times I’ve watched it but honestly I don’t think I can count that high lol. Taylor and Laura’s chemistry is just so off the charts amazing that even in scenes where I shouldn’t want Piper and Alex together I can’t help but want them together. And on a totally shallow note I’m loving the new leg tattoo on Alex!

  15. I am rewatching the show again after finishing Season 4. (Heart. Broken.) I came to look for something and got distracted reading about some crazy “Natasha Lyonne Watch” from 10 years ago. SOOO glad her life improved!

    Is this a line that someone on the show said? “So how for she get bitted?” <—- I guess that sounds like someone who is newly learning English, because that is one bad silly sentence! :) Any day now, we will not be able to communicate at all through writing or typing since … seriously? "How for she get bitted?"??? I have to stop and move on, that is driving me nuts.

    Why doesn't Cindy shower? She is spraying herself with I guess Lysol ("My Grandma douched with Lysol!" – OMG. I so hope the writers made that up but probably someone actually did it. That lady who died of ovarian cancer and her family won that huge settlement from a talcum powder company was douching (which BTW is not good for you, ladies! We have a whole self-cleaning oven sitch down there, nuff said)

    What bit her? Bed bugs. I guess they bite, i lucked out so far on this, no one in my state had even seen a bed bug until one of the NBA team that was staying here in a GORGEOUS, expensive (AKA not exactly the No-Tell Motel. Hotel when they were here to play The Thunder. They left, and Oklahoma City had its first case of bed bugs. Hurray for us, we have an NBA team for 8 years now, and we have bed bugs. Eyikes!

    I like seeing the blue on the ladies, that khaki is worse than orange – no clue where they happened to have a bunch of paper outfits, but OK :D. Oh and the "doctor"? I think he was actually the male nurse who has been in several scenes, mainly when the inmates line up to get their pills. You know Litchfied is too cheap to spring for an actual doctor.

  16. “If this was Wentworth, C.O. Maxwell would have slotted them both. But no this is OITNB, so C.O. Maxwell pats them both on the head and let’s them go back to playing doctor in the bathroom.”

    Can you be a little less transparent with your bias?
    First of all, Wentworth takes place in a MAXIMUM security prison; go read up on the massive difference. Second of all, you completely misrepresented what happened to fit your snarky comment. The female C.O didn’t (metaphorically) pat them on the head, she told Alex she was getting a shot and threatened her with the SHU. She eased on the SHU threat when Piper asked her to emphasize with Alex’s situation and not take her to the SHU. But she gave her a shot. This is totally realistic, and It likely wouldn’t have worked on a male C.O.

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