Orange Is The New Black Episode 302 Recap: Bed Bugs Stop The World. World Stop.

And in the world of the absolute worst ideas ever, Bennett takes his Howdy Doody ass to visit Cesar and see how Daya’s family lives. Bennett needs to know if it’s cool to dump his baby here for a bit, just until things like cool off, you know?

Wait, you want me to play Hedwig on Broadway?!

Wait, you want me to play Hedwig on Broadway?!

In the time that Aleida and Daya have been in prison, which is somehow shorter than the time Daya’s been pregnant, Cesar’s knocked up some other chica and she’s given birth. How did she give birth before Daya? MYSTERIES!

Bennett’s proposal to Daya in the prison schoolyard gives him a pass into Cesar’s home. PS- I love the Dominican and Puerto Rican accents on this show. They’re so New York. It’s like music to my ears, y’all. Anyway.

Bebe's kids don't die. We multiply.

Bebe’s kids don’t die. We multiply.

Four kids and a baby are seen in the background of this scene. Cuz you know us Latinos, always having about 4-6 babies per person. Cesar loses his temper with the kids and his new baby’s momma. Bennett gets to stay for dinner.


Caputo finds out for sure that Litchfield is closing in two months.


During dinner, Cesar pulls out a gun on his son for not eating french fries.

This is some bullshit.

This is some bullshit.

Listen, I’ve got about 57 boy cousins, running the gamut from those involved in less-than-reputable employment pursuits and those in trade unions or the army, servers, teachers, et cetera. And NONE of them have ever pulled a gun on their kid. I’m sure it happens but that scene just left me dumbfounded. Like damn, okay they’re hood so what but damn, now they’ve got to also be abusive/ borderline murderous folks?

Bennett doesnt even stand up to Cesar. He stays there and hangs around in a scene that goes on for a little too long. Poor Daya. Ay.

Five. That's how much I've got on it.

Five. That’s how much I’ve got on it.


We flash back to Bennett with his platoon watching as bombs are dropped over enemy targets. The Muslim soldier from before tries to warn them of a bomb threat but he gets shot by a US soldier. The other Muslim soldiers toss a grenade into the barracks and Bennett’s buddy throws his body onto it.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h24m21s52

Damn, I don’t even have a joke for this one.


And in the most questionable transition ever, instead of an explosion we cut to the sound of a dog farting. Ew. Right into Healey’s office. Gag.

see video title above

see video title above

Red asks Healey to take her husband off her visitor’s list and add her lawyer. Healey opens his mouth and dribbles out unwanted marital advice and probably crumbs from his breakfast too.

Red shuts him down and says she’s dumping her husband and spending the rest of her sentence getting the butt. Once again, Healey takes this as an opportunity to lament over his failed mail-order bride situation. Can we get this guy a parrot or something?

Of course I have the right to make decisions about what women can do with their bodies. I had a mom once.

Of course I have the right to make decisions about what women can do with their bodies. I had a mom once.


Nichols lies to Boo about the heroin getting stolen.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h25m45s119

Fun Home spoke to me in a way that no other musical ever has and if you say one more thing about “Ring of Keys”, I will gut you like a pig.


Caputo and friends burn the bed bugs out of the mattresses and books. They also toast marshmallows and sing each other some lez-friendly folks songs.


What do maxi pads, wild leaves, toilet paper and shaving cream have in common? They’re all items used by inmates to keep the chinches away! Obvs, no match for Lysol tho.

Farm to table is a lifestyle.

Farm to table is a lifestyle, not a trend.


Piper: I lie. I get in trouble. I truth. I get in trouble. I can’t do anything right.
Red: What are you asking for? Advice? Here’s some: stop buying into your own horseshit.

Vause was right. It's exhausting to be in scenes with this one.

Vause was right. It’s exhausting to be in scenes with this one.

And the show ended there because that’s all anyone ever needed to tell Piper ever again. All the rest of the inmates were freed thereafter. Except for Jenny Schecter.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h26m29s64

Mallory totally fixed the The L Word, you guise

A ray of bright, warm, shiny light comes down from the heavens and Piper, eyes even wider than a doe’s, says, “Maybe I am manipulative.”


Bennett and Cesar talk man things like infidelity, beers, and not changing diapers. We do get to see a super cute pic of Daya from her Sweet 16.


With just her eyes and one slam of a library door, Piper gets Alex alone.

FEMINIST HULK ON PRISON TV SHOW SNATCH CAUTION TAPE AND SNEAK INTO LIBRARY FOR ROXANE GAY BOOK AND DYKE COMICS.

FEMINIST HULK ON PRISON TV SHOW SNATCH CAUTION TAPE AND SNEAK INTO LIBRARY FOR ROXANE GAY BOOK AND DYKE COMICS.

Alex smacks Piper dead in her face! No bullshit. She smacks her with a solid whap and a cry of “You Bitch!”

Whoa, that was like the back hand of inequality giving me what I deserve.

Whoa, that was like the back hand of inequality giving me what I deserve.

They proceed to have WWE style sex in the library. For those of you into Piper and Alex, I hope this moment was everything you needed it to be.

Fuck, your leather cuffs got caught on my spacers.

Fuck, your leather cuffs got caught on my spacers.

Nom nom nom nomz.

Nom nom nom nomz.

Sorry but bed-bugs, codependent/violent relationships and garbage dresses just don’t do it for me. Just call me a stick in the lesbian prison mud.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h29m10s119

Beep, beep, who got the keys to my jeep?


Bennett cries and takes off in his SUV. BYE BENNETT.

If I rush, I can make it to Hooters for happy hour.

If I rush, I can make it to Hooters for happy hour.

Note: At this episode’s end, Daya was still pregnant.

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gabby

Gabrielle Rivera is an awesomely queer Bronx bred, writer, spoken word artist and director. Her short stories and poems have been published in various anthologies such as the Lambda Award winning Portland Queer: Tales from the Rose City and The Best of Panic! En Vivo from the East Village. Her short film "Spanish Girls are Beautiful" follows a group of young Latina and Caucasian girls who like girls as they hook up, smoke up and try to figure sh*t out. She also freelances for Autostraddle.com while working in the film and television industry. Gabrielle is currently working on her first novel while bouncing around NYC performing spoken word and trying to stick it to the man.

gabby has written 17 articles for us.

78 Comments

  1. hi you’re funny and all these captions made me laugh

    i think piper’s sentence is only like 16 months so we’re moving at a very abbreviated pace. maybe this is in real time like 24.

    i’ve watched the whole season now and i didn’t realize bennett left so early in the season, but well, i guess he did. SEE YA

    • Yeah I think Piper (and by extension Daya, because everyone revolves around Piper) has only been in there like 7 months at the start of this season. But I like the running gag of “Daya’s still pregnant” (even though it looks like she lost weight? It took them a really long time to start using a baby bump.)

    • yay! i’m glad you think i’m funny enough to do recaps with you. cuz seriously those original gleecaps still make me laugh.

      anyway, so the idea here is that time moves hella slow? like each episode is literally like one day or something in Litchfield? or the chronology of three seasons and beyond is based on a 16 month sentence?

      • I think each season is supposed to cover about 3 months. Piper went to prison in October, and the first season ended at Christmas. And somewhere near the end of season 3, Soso says she’s been in prison for about 6 months, and she got to Litchfield in the first episode of season 2. So in this episode, Daya is only about 6 months pregnant.

  2. They’re very fucked up, but I can’t help getting feelings when Alex and Piper do stuff. :P

    I still say why have Ruby Rose on the show and waste her on Piper when she and Poussey could be the hottest couple ever. And Poussey needs a boo!

  3. I thought I was the only one confused by that Cesar scene, I mean I get that he’s a tough drug dealer but I couldn’t see him pulling a gun on one of the kids. Wasn’t he the one pleading with Aledia last season to talk to Daya over the phone and be there for her?

      • That’s true this may be an unpopular opinion but despite Pornsatache being an awful human being at least he was willing to step up to the plate and be there for Daya’s baby despite the consequences of it, which is more than I can say for Bennett.

  4. I fall more and more in love with Black Cindy every episode while getting more and more annoyed at Piper at the same damn time.

    That Bennett video is the greatest thing he has ever done.

    Also, I’m reading this recap after just finishing episode 10. Oh GOD, do I need somebody to talk to after that. Just. Oh My God.

  5. “can those of us who aren’t Native stop calling things our spirit animals? Like I thought we all already knew not to do that.”

    I actually didn’t know that, so thank you! I will henceforth refer to Chang and anyone else as my patronus.

  6. I echo your feelings about, what the f*ck is happening in this show? The Piper/Alex dynamic, the Bennet weirdness, the bed bug epidemic and Taystee eating a bedbug/muffin crumb left me feeling like I was watching a fever dream version of OITNB. I’ve finished the season now, and I really did enjoy it overall, but episodes 1-3 were strange.

    • right it’s such a waste. like that one episode last season where the whole damn thing was about Daya moving her bowels. i felt cheated out of an interesting/thoughtful storyline moment with her. like yes, she’s preggs we get it. morning sickness, constipation, back pain, and more! but a whole episode re: her bms? stop.

      so yes, fever dream episodes are the worst. ps- hi!

  7. On a very serious note, Gabby, if the OITNB writers were smart they’d hire you to do what they apparently have lost the ability to do: Make it fun to hate Piper (at least). Your recap(s) and captions are making me rethink my knee-jerk urge to rage quit the show!

  8. “Arroz con Cinches”.

    The smallest caption, but I laughed for sooooo long, and soooooo hard. Maybe because I kept imagining my Puerto Rican abuela saying it while pointing a spoon at me from her stove over a caldero?

    Yes. That is probably why.

    I’m so happy you will he recapping with us! You, Riese, and Heather are definitely the recapping dream team. It’s going to be a glorious next few weeks :)

    (And yes, alllllllll the PR and DR accents!! It gave me so many nostalgic/ I miss my titis y primos en New York feelings. You are not alone.)

  9. I never managed to hate Bennett as much as he deserved. I think I read him as queer the second I saw him and so no matter his fuckery I could never despise him because I thought of him as fam.

    OOPS.

  10. Just logged in for the first time in months (closer to years) just to give you props for this caption: “How are you gonna make arroz con chinches without Adobo?”

    Also, A+ for the Jenny Schecter reference (ughh, how do I still hate her so much after all these years?)

    Your recaps are the best I’ve read so far. Since I’ve already binged through the season twice (I clearly have too much time on my hands and a tad bit of an obsession) I am really looking forward to the rest of your recaps.

  11. I was dying reading this recap! You had me rollin’, especially the “You Don’t Know My Name” reference. Taking me back to high school!

    I have to say, it’s hot as all hell when Piper tops Alex. I think this is because I can personally connect with Alex’s top vibes and I do enjoy it when I’m caught off guard and a girl surprises me by being more dominant. This scene and the one from season 1 when Piper gets out of the SHU and forces Alex in the chapel are my favorite Vauseman moments for sure. Also, I have a thing for sexually repressed WASPY women. Blame it on my New England upbringing.

  12. so we have thin ONE bisexual/pansexual/multisexual character on the show and OF COURSE she’s a frickin annoying, greedy, manipulative B-word

    fuck you piper
    and fuck you writers team

    i hate this

    • I agree that there aren’t many bi/pan/multisexual characters on the show, and also agree that Piper is a real tool, but I don’t think it’s accurate to say that Piper is the only one. Morello’s relationship with Nicky, despite her “engagement” to Christopher, makes it hard to argue that Morello is monosexual (though I would imagine the character would ID herself that way). Also, I may be wrong about this, but wasn’t Soso proclaiming herself to be straight when she first came to Lichfield? Trying not to spoil, but by the end of Season 3 there’s an implication of a budding romance between Soso and somebody else.

  13. “Tits, pits, and naughty bits are really the only things that need scrubbing, according to Black Cindy.”

    the technical term for that is a ‘glasgow shower’, although traditionally it would be done with toilet paper and hand soap in a public toilet

    • The technical term? :D Hmm, maybe that depends on what kind of racists you have living near you? Pretty sue there is no “technical term”, but it isn’t nice, that is for sure.

      About ten years ago I had never heard that washing in the sink was a thing that had a name (looks like it has several!), but then I was shocked to hear a girl I had just met say she was in a hurry and took a “Mexican Shower” (this is not a girl I like very much, she has no filter in the worst way). I asked what the heck she was talking about since she had a Mexican boyfriend (who is now her ex-husband). I used to be a big scaredy cat about stuff that makes me cringe, hearing someone be so gross and racist so I asked how she could say that and she said “I said it because it’s TRUE!”

      She has like 14 diseases and a kid who runs away every other day now (her FB page? Like the worst soap opera/telenovela ever.

      So no, that is not a “technical term”, more like not nice slang – just insert a whole group of people you think are dirty and boom, cringe- worthy term. People have really expanded on the original icky rude Pollack (sp? I just know how to spell POLISH) jokes.

      PS – wouldn’t toilet paper just fall apart if you got it wet and washed with it?

  14. No matter what happens after this episode I finally got to see Piper going down on Alex and now all is right with the world lol. That scene was infinity levels of hot! I’d say how many times I’ve watched it but honestly I don’t think I can count that high lol. Taylor and Laura’s chemistry is just so off the charts amazing that even in scenes where I shouldn’t want Piper and Alex together I can’t help but want them together. And on a totally shallow note I’m loving the new leg tattoo on Alex!

  15. I am rewatching the show again after finishing Season 4. (Heart. Broken.) I came to look for something and got distracted reading about some crazy “Natasha Lyonne Watch” from 10 years ago. SOOO glad her life improved!

    Is this a line that someone on the show said? “So how for she get bitted?” <—- I guess that sounds like someone who is newly learning English, because that is one bad silly sentence! :) Any day now, we will not be able to communicate at all through writing or typing since … seriously? "How for she get bitted?"??? I have to stop and move on, that is driving me nuts.

    Why doesn't Cindy shower? She is spraying herself with I guess Lysol ("My Grandma douched with Lysol!" – OMG. I so hope the writers made that up but probably someone actually did it. That lady who died of ovarian cancer and her family won that huge settlement from a talcum powder company was douching (which BTW is not good for you, ladies! We have a whole self-cleaning oven sitch down there, nuff said)

    What bit her? Bed bugs. I guess they bite, i lucked out so far on this, no one in my state had even seen a bed bug until one of the NBA team that was staying here in a GORGEOUS, expensive (AKA not exactly the No-Tell Motel. Hotel when they were here to play The Thunder. They left, and Oklahoma City had its first case of bed bugs. Hurray for us, we have an NBA team for 8 years now, and we have bed bugs. Eyikes!

    I like seeing the blue on the ladies, that khaki is worse than orange – no clue where they happened to have a bunch of paper outfits, but OK :D. Oh and the "doctor"? I think he was actually the male nurse who has been in several scenes, mainly when the inmates line up to get their pills. You know Litchfied is too cheap to spring for an actual doctor.

  16. “If this was Wentworth, C.O. Maxwell would have slotted them both. But no this is OITNB, so C.O. Maxwell pats them both on the head and let’s them go back to playing doctor in the bathroom.”

    Can you be a little less transparent with your bias?
    First of all, Wentworth takes place in a MAXIMUM security prison; go read up on the massive difference. Second of all, you completely misrepresented what happened to fit your snarky comment. The female C.O didn’t (metaphorically) pat them on the head, she told Alex she was getting a shot and threatened her with the SHU. She eased on the SHU threat when Piper asked her to emphasize with Alex’s situation and not take her to the SHU. But she gave her a shot. This is totally realistic, and It likely wouldn’t have worked on a male C.O.

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