Orange Is The New Black Episode 302 Recap: Bed Bugs Stop The World. World Stop.

Hello and welcome to the second recap of the third season of Orange is The New Black which has all my friends in a binge-watching time-warp codependent relationship with Netflix. Hey, at least we’re all in this together!


Flaca has bumps on her arms, obviously they must be crabs. She lists all the different ages she’s been when crabs have taken over her body. Each year has a delightful, warm-hearted anecdote re: crabs. She tells this to Dr. Dude whom I’ve never seen before but when do I ever really pay attention to men? Anyway, back to the crabs which turn out to not be crabs because you don’t get crabs on your arms. At least that’s what Dr. Dude says. Flaca’s shocked. She hasn’t even had her arms near anyone’s chacha. So how for she get bitted?

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h42m31s23

Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh, totally emotionless except for her heart

She's lump, she's lump She's in my head

She’s lump, she’s lump
She’s in my head

Dr. Dude runs off in a panic.


We flash to Flaca and Maritza on the Latina side of Prisonlandia ripping sheets off their metal cots. IT’S BED BUGS TIME. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun BED BUGS! Sing it with me to the tune of the Batman theme song. Everybody now!

Maritza isn’t phased. Like bed bugs for real? Or more like poison ivy? Or scabies? Or possibly an allergy to mashed potatoes? No, bitch, it’s chinches.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h43m20s12

I’m Kim. You’re Khloe. We talked about this, Flaca.

Flaca takes a minute to give us Bed Bugs 101:

  • They don’t live on you.
  • They live on your sheets, and clothes and shit.
  • Wash everything.
  • Flaca didn’t give NOBODY bed bugs. Someone gave them to her.

    Yo but for real, I don't even know Joel Marsh Garland like that.

    Yo but for real, I don’t even know Joel Marsh Garland like that.

Daya and Aledia stroll through San Litchfield. — How is Daya still pregnant? Have we talked about this? Riese, did you see how pregnant she still is? Is Daya ¼ elephant? We should have jumped into this season with a pretty little chubby baby but nope.

Get your change out. I heard the Mr. Softee song, bitches.

Get your change out. I heard the Mr. Softee song, bitches.

Anyway. Daya adds her fifty cents and a quarter water to the “is it scabies?” debate raging between Maritza and Flaca and everyone else. Her verdict? “Cooties are still cooties.”

But where did the chinches come from? Daya’s grubby little garbage pail sister? Maritza’s waitressing job at a hotel in Miami? No. According to Aleida, they came from Flaca’s “hairy chia pet poon” and they’ve been living in there since before Flaca got locked up. In fact, the very first bed bug breathed its first breath in Flaca’s chia poon.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h44m51s140

Word spreads like a bedbugs outbreak and Blanca demands that Flaca and Maritza stay on their side of the dorms. Gloria orders everyone to strip their beds. Aleida let’s out a long fuck, the kind of fuck we all need to let out sometimes…

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun BED BUGS!


Red walks to her old digs with Piper. Before she turns the corner, she takes off her “sad clown” expression and throws on her “I’m a bad old bitch” face. Necessary facial changes, y’all.

Russian God of War give me strength and free power ups.

Piper, the cherubic spawn of Polly Pocket and Dennis the Menace, is happy that Red’s back. Red gives her the cold shoulder. Piper is a lying sack of weasels and Red doesn’t have time for that shit. See, last season, when Piper got furlough because she’s white, had political leverage, and there was a death in her family, she passed by Red’s family business. It was shuttered. Instead of being real with Red, Piper, the lying sack of weasels, lied to Red and said business was booming. She lied to Red, y’all. So Red’s pissed because her morose-looking sons and bumblefuck husband visited on Mother’s Day and she knows something’s up with the business.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h45m41s158

I’ve had a yeast infection for 48 days. 48 days.

Obviously in Piper’s world, lying makes everything better. She’s still figuring out how to live with consequences, jeez. Red takes two marshmallows and stuffs one in each ear. No time for this. None. Piper takes this opportunity to wax about her very real and firsthand knowledge of an exotic culture. This time it’s Korean culture, next week it could be Indian. Who knows? As Piper speaks the language of her people, NPR-ese, Red calls bullshit.

Bullshit in Russian is “Bullshit.”

And I am Jack! The Pumpkin King.

And I am Jack! The Pumpkin King.

Red calls Piper “a selfish little person” which is Russian for a “lying sack of weasels.”


Next up we have Mendez’s Stepford Mom with a Heart of Gold visiting ye olde jail.

First Name: Momma Last Name: Pornstache

First Name: Momma
Last Name: Pornstache

Bennett has an internal panic attack over Mendez’s mom visiting Daya’s fam. Mendez’s Mom admits to also having the fever for Latina Flavor, so she’s totally down with this whole situation.

Oh thank God! Now I don't have to claim this baby or face any charges related to abusing an inmate. But who am I kidding? Daya's never giving birth!

Oh thank God! Now I don’t have to claim this baby or face any charges related to abusing an inmate. But let’s be real. Daya’s never giving birth!

Pornstache loves ya, mami.


Mendez’s Mom admires Aleida’s Hispanic skin. But Aleida wants to know if bitch has her money.

I speak in dollar bills and child neglect coins.

I speak in dollar bills and child neglect coins.

Oh yeah? Well, I speak white lady. BOOM. Insert reggae air horns.

Oh yeah? Well, I speak Rich White Lady. BOOM. Insert reggae air horns.

It all boils down to Mendez’s well-off white lady mom wanting to adopt Daya’s baby and give it a better life. Daya’s hood family will be no match for Mendez Gilmore of the Connecticut Gilmores. Aleida gets a cut, the baby gets a rich white family, and EVERYONE WINS. Except Daya.

Daya is gonna suffer bad emotionals her whole life.


Latinaville is bustling with bras and super comfy tighty whiteys. Since the bedbugs came from Flaca’s chia poon, everything must burn or be washed.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h48m33s75

These poons are on fiiiire.

Anyway here comes the mope-faced nebbish Bennett. He reminds me of a soggy bowl of Cheerios. I can’t with him. He’s in the dorms while they’re undressed-ish even though only female guards are allowed.

I told you to sync grocery lists with me. But no, you never listen, and now we have three containers of almond milk in the fridge.

I told you to sync grocery lists with me. But no, you never listen, and now we have three containers of almond milk in the fridge.

Daya’s still pregnant and in her underwear while they’re having a super awkward and whiny conversation about the meeting of the moms. They flirt and it’s gross not ’cause they’re straight but because of his privilege and her imprisonment.

Who the fuck even drinks almond milk?

Who the fuck even drinks almond milk?

If you say one thing about almond milk...

If you say one more thing about almond milk…

Daya’s made up her mind. She’s keeping her baby. Ooh, she’s gonna keep her baby.

What will the women wear now that they’ve had to give up their clothing? Send in Office Depot’s new fall line of paper bag hazmat dresses! Cue fashion show!

Caputo takes this moment to brush his scruffy whiskers against Bennett’s smooth-as-a-baby’s-butt-cheeks. He whispers, “It’s me.” Bennett stiffens, he pants, “Yes, daddy, I knew.”

The love that one man has for another man is second only to the love he has for his mustache.

The love that one man has for another man is second only to the love he has for his mustache.

Caputo gives Bennett shit for stalking Daya and tells him that the way to deal with being around womenfolks is to choke ones chicken. Flog one’s bishop. Jam one’s jimmy. Just beat it. I could continue.

As the wisdom of men is passed on through the generations, Caputo is informed that they’re out of construction paper uniforms. Enter Litchfield’s first “Super Casual Friday.”


Bennett’s army days are in full flashback swing. He’s as annoying as a soldier as we’d all expect him to be. Yes, sir, I’m ready to get in the shit, sir! Cue army-style slurs for Arabic people. Cue helicopters. Cue Bennett using his good old American charm to win over his superior.

French fries and a chocolate frosty before suiting up was a v bad idea.

French fries and a chocolate frosty before suiting up was a very bad idea.

Get yourself a snack and come back.


And we’re back at the lesbian pajama party brunch, Bras-n-Panties v. Team Blue Scrubs. Everyone’s scratching.

Pajama breakfast at A-camp.

Scott and Wanda are grumbling about money. Caputo sends Wanda to pick up more Office Depot hazmat prom dresses for the inmates.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate Maritza.

Screen Shot 2015-06-15 at 9.03.23 PM

Cue the Alicia Keys interlude from You Don’t Know My Name


Black Cindy shoos away unwelcomed guests at the VIP table. In drops Poussey wearing a garlic chain, a black sports bra and cute grey briefs. I’m sure some of us took in a very deep breath when she walked into the scene. Ahem. — Also, who’s the person sitting next to Watson? Cuz she made my heart skip a beat. I definitely paused and rewound to catch a glimpse of her again. Why can’t life be more like Netflix? —

I've come to liberate all your bored girlfriends. May they be my wives, if they please, and live on with me in Instagram fame.

I’ve come to liberate all your bored girlfriends. May they be my wives, if they please, and live on with me in Instagram fame.

Poussey is wearing the garlic necklace she bought at La Botanica GloNo. It wards off the evil chinche spirits and offers protection as she fulfills her destiny as the Avatar.

But what everyone at the table really wants to know is why are the Latinas still making food with Flaca’s chia poon if all the bed bugs came from there? PROTEINZ.

Wait, this is arroz con chinches?!

Wait, this is arroz con chinches?!

It’s been three days since Black Cindy showered and I think she looks glorious. Taystee thinks that’s the reason she’s itching. Everyone else thinks it’s gross.

No, I'm the only one who gets to eat the candy on my candy-necklace.

No, I’m the only one who gets to eat the candy on my candy-necklace.

Poor personal hygiene can be a sign of depression. Suzanne is a prophet.

Tits, pits, and naughty bits are really the only things that need scrubbing, according to Black Cindy.

Everything else can ferment. Like Pensatucky’s old teeth.

Pensatucky’s new teeth decided it’d be a good idea to sit at the Black Women- only table. Note: don’t sit at the Black Women’s Only table unless you have a permission slip signed by everyone already sitting at the Black Women Only table and everyone who’s ever sat at the table and everyone who ever will sit at the table.

If I gather enough drool in my mouth, I can make a bubble, y'all.

If I gather enough drool in my mouth, I can make a bubble, y’all.

And THEN Pensatucky decides to go in on Vee. So she drops her white ass into their VIP table and then proceeds to shit upon someone who they have a complicated love/hate relationship with? Suzanne wastes no time in attempting to potato-whomp Pensatucky. Taystee calms Suzanne down so she doesn’t get thrown into solitary.

OITNB-2015-06-14-21h53m03s204

I challenge you to the ultimate Pokémon showdown.

Pensatucky is summoned to drive the jail to society prison shuttle. If you’re nice, she’ll also take you to In-N-Out Burger.


The scene ripple fades to Piper asking Alex whether she’s hungry or not.

“I’m not standing in that parade of tits and ass.” Well you knew what you signed up for when you agreed to be the Grand Marshall of the Reno Pride Parade, Laura Prepon. You knew!

Why don't I ever get scenes with Poussey?

Why don’t I ever get scenes with Poussey?

Alex is convinced that there’s a target on her back. She’s worried about getting shanked in her sleep, rightfully so. And Piper, being the out-of-touch-basic-ass main character we’re all forced to suffer, tells Alex that she’ll survive and that the cockroach is her “spirit animal.” Y’all can those of us who aren’t Native stop calling things our spirit animals? Like I thought we all already knew not to do that.

I've got the whole world in my hands. I've got the whole word in my hands.

I’ve got the whole world in my hands. I’ve got the whole word in my hands.

Alex is over it too. She asks Piper to really think about what she just said and of course, Piper doesn’t. Piper goes on and on about how awesomeness of roaches. Since Alex doesn’t have a potato, she can’t potato whomp Piper. Alex walks away instead.


Nichols and Big Boo notice a slew of early releases exiting the prison. They talk about drug smuggling. It’s all very Breaking Bad. Bonus: Big Boo in a black sports bra too.

You wanna be butch, Carmen? I'll teach you how to be fucking butch.

You wanna be butch, Carmen? I’ll teach you how to be fucking butch.


If you don’t know about the ways oatmeal can spice up a spell, too fucking bad. Gloria’s not about to share that knowledge. Actually, it’s for the itching re: Flaca’s bed bugs.

How are you gonna make arronz con chinches without Adobo?

How are you gonna make arronz con chinches without Adobo?

Bennett, once again abusing his power, corners Aleida in the back of the kitchen and questions her motives around meeting up with Mendez’s Mom. Daya’s there too. Still pregnant, btw.

OITNB-2015-06-14-22h03m26s27

But if we do a remake of the Papa Don’t Preach video, do we have to get Madonna’s permission?

Aleida breaks down MM’s reason for wanting to adopt Daya’s baby. She has a nice home, lots of money, and she feels guilty for raising Mendez. Together, the baby and Mendez’s mom get a fresh starts. Bennett tries to interrupt but he gets the shut-the-fuck-up finger from Aleida.

Affluenza isn't real, bucko.

Affluenza isn’t real, bucko.

Daya’s still got time on her sentence. So does her mom. Grandma’s too old. Cesar might use the baby as bait in a dog fight. What’s a girl to do??

Daya’s not sure if she’s gonna keep her baby. But she also doesn’t know that her moms just shook down Mendez’s mom for a monthly allowance. Bloop.


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Gabrielle Rivera is an awesomely queer Bronx bred, writer, spoken word artist and director. Her short stories and poems have been published in various anthologies such as the Lambda Award winning Portland Queer: Tales from the Rose City and The Best of Panic! En Vivo from the East Village. Her short film "Spanish Girls are Beautiful" follows a group of young Latina and Caucasian girls who like girls as they hook up, smoke up and try to figure sh*t out. She also freelances for Autostraddle.com while working in the film and television industry. Gabrielle is currently working on her first novel while bouncing around NYC performing spoken word and trying to stick it to the man.

gabby has written 102 articles for us.

78 Comments

  1. hi you’re funny and all these captions made me laugh

    i think piper’s sentence is only like 16 months so we’re moving at a very abbreviated pace. maybe this is in real time like 24.

    i’ve watched the whole season now and i didn’t realize bennett left so early in the season, but well, i guess he did. SEE YA

    • Yeah I think Piper (and by extension Daya, because everyone revolves around Piper) has only been in there like 7 months at the start of this season. But I like the running gag of “Daya’s still pregnant” (even though it looks like she lost weight? It took them a really long time to start using a baby bump.)

    • yay! i’m glad you think i’m funny enough to do recaps with you. cuz seriously those original gleecaps still make me laugh.

      anyway, so the idea here is that time moves hella slow? like each episode is literally like one day or something in Litchfield? or the chronology of three seasons and beyond is based on a 16 month sentence?

      • I think each season is supposed to cover about 3 months. Piper went to prison in October, and the first season ended at Christmas. And somewhere near the end of season 3, Soso says she’s been in prison for about 6 months, and she got to Litchfield in the first episode of season 2. So in this episode, Daya is only about 6 months pregnant.

  2. They’re very fucked up, but I can’t help getting feelings when Alex and Piper do stuff. :P

    I still say why have Ruby Rose on the show and waste her on Piper when she and Poussey could be the hottest couple ever. And Poussey needs a boo!

  3. I thought I was the only one confused by that Cesar scene, I mean I get that he’s a tough drug dealer but I couldn’t see him pulling a gun on one of the kids. Wasn’t he the one pleading with Aledia last season to talk to Daya over the phone and be there for her?

      • That’s true this may be an unpopular opinion but despite Pornsatache being an awful human being at least he was willing to step up to the plate and be there for Daya’s baby despite the consequences of it, which is more than I can say for Bennett.

  4. I fall more and more in love with Black Cindy every episode while getting more and more annoyed at Piper at the same damn time.

    That Bennett video is the greatest thing he has ever done.

    Also, I’m reading this recap after just finishing episode 10. Oh GOD, do I need somebody to talk to after that. Just. Oh My God.

  5. “can those of us who aren’t Native stop calling things our spirit animals? Like I thought we all already knew not to do that.”

    I actually didn’t know that, so thank you! I will henceforth refer to Chang and anyone else as my patronus.

  6. I echo your feelings about, what the f*ck is happening in this show? The Piper/Alex dynamic, the Bennet weirdness, the bed bug epidemic and Taystee eating a bedbug/muffin crumb left me feeling like I was watching a fever dream version of OITNB. I’ve finished the season now, and I really did enjoy it overall, but episodes 1-3 were strange.

    • right it’s such a waste. like that one episode last season where the whole damn thing was about Daya moving her bowels. i felt cheated out of an interesting/thoughtful storyline moment with her. like yes, she’s preggs we get it. morning sickness, constipation, back pain, and more! but a whole episode re: her bms? stop.

      so yes, fever dream episodes are the worst. ps- hi!

  7. On a very serious note, Gabby, if the OITNB writers were smart they’d hire you to do what they apparently have lost the ability to do: Make it fun to hate Piper (at least). Your recap(s) and captions are making me rethink my knee-jerk urge to rage quit the show!

  8. “Arroz con Cinches”.

    The smallest caption, but I laughed for sooooo long, and soooooo hard. Maybe because I kept imagining my Puerto Rican abuela saying it while pointing a spoon at me from her stove over a caldero?

    Yes. That is probably why.

    I’m so happy you will he recapping with us! You, Riese, and Heather are definitely the recapping dream team. It’s going to be a glorious next few weeks :)

    (And yes, alllllllll the PR and DR accents!! It gave me so many nostalgic/ I miss my titis y primos en New York feelings. You are not alone.)

  9. Just logged in for the first time in months (closer to years) just to give you props for this caption: “How are you gonna make arroz con chinches without Adobo?”

    Also, A+ for the Jenny Schecter reference (ughh, how do I still hate her so much after all these years?)

    Your recaps are the best I’ve read so far. Since I’ve already binged through the season twice (I clearly have too much time on my hands and a tad bit of an obsession) I am really looking forward to the rest of your recaps.

  10. I was dying reading this recap! You had me rollin’, especially the “You Don’t Know My Name” reference. Taking me back to high school!

    I have to say, it’s hot as all hell when Piper tops Alex. I think this is because I can personally connect with Alex’s top vibes and I do enjoy it when I’m caught off guard and a girl surprises me by being more dominant. This scene and the one from season 1 when Piper gets out of the SHU and forces Alex in the chapel are my favorite Vauseman moments for sure. Also, I have a thing for sexually repressed WASPY women. Blame it on my New England upbringing.

  11. so we have thin ONE bisexual/pansexual/multisexual character on the show and OF COURSE she’s a frickin annoying, greedy, manipulative B-word

    fuck you piper
    and fuck you writers team

    i hate this

    • I agree that there aren’t many bi/pan/multisexual characters on the show, and also agree that Piper is a real tool, but I don’t think it’s accurate to say that Piper is the only one. Morello’s relationship with Nicky, despite her “engagement” to Christopher, makes it hard to argue that Morello is monosexual (though I would imagine the character would ID herself that way). Also, I may be wrong about this, but wasn’t Soso proclaiming herself to be straight when she first came to Lichfield? Trying not to spoil, but by the end of Season 3 there’s an implication of a budding romance between Soso and somebody else.

  12. “Tits, pits, and naughty bits are really the only things that need scrubbing, according to Black Cindy.”

    the technical term for that is a ‘glasgow shower’, although traditionally it would be done with toilet paper and hand soap in a public toilet

    • The technical term? :D Hmm, maybe that depends on what kind of racists you have living near you? Pretty sue there is no “technical term”, but it isn’t nice, that is for sure.

      About ten years ago I had never heard that washing in the sink was a thing that had a name (looks like it has several!), but then I was shocked to hear a girl I had just met say she was in a hurry and took a “Mexican Shower” (this is not a girl I like very much, she has no filter in the worst way). I asked what the heck she was talking about since she had a Mexican boyfriend (who is now her ex-husband). I used to be a big scaredy cat about stuff that makes me cringe, hearing someone be so gross and racist so I asked how she could say that and she said “I said it because it’s TRUE!”

      She has like 14 diseases and a kid who runs away every other day now (her FB page? Like the worst soap opera/telenovela ever.

      So no, that is not a “technical term”, more like not nice slang – just insert a whole group of people you think are dirty and boom, cringe- worthy term. People have really expanded on the original icky rude Pollack (sp? I just know how to spell POLISH) jokes.

      PS – wouldn’t toilet paper just fall apart if you got it wet and washed with it?

  13. No matter what happens after this episode I finally got to see Piper going down on Alex and now all is right with the world lol. That scene was infinity levels of hot! I’d say how many times I’ve watched it but honestly I don’t think I can count that high lol. Taylor and Laura’s chemistry is just so off the charts amazing that even in scenes where I shouldn’t want Piper and Alex together I can’t help but want them together. And on a totally shallow note I’m loving the new leg tattoo on Alex!

  14. I am rewatching the show again after finishing Season 4. (Heart. Broken.) I came to look for something and got distracted reading about some crazy “Natasha Lyonne Watch” from 10 years ago. SOOO glad her life improved!

    Is this a line that someone on the show said? “So how for she get bitted?” <—- I guess that sounds like someone who is newly learning English, because that is one bad silly sentence! :) Any day now, we will not be able to communicate at all through writing or typing since … seriously? "How for she get bitted?"??? I have to stop and move on, that is driving me nuts.

    Why doesn't Cindy shower? She is spraying herself with I guess Lysol ("My Grandma douched with Lysol!" – OMG. I so hope the writers made that up but probably someone actually did it. That lady who died of ovarian cancer and her family won that huge settlement from a talcum powder company was douching (which BTW is not good for you, ladies! We have a whole self-cleaning oven sitch down there, nuff said)

    What bit her? Bed bugs. I guess they bite, i lucked out so far on this, no one in my state had even seen a bed bug until one of the NBA team that was staying here in a GORGEOUS, expensive (AKA not exactly the No-Tell Motel. Hotel when they were here to play The Thunder. They left, and Oklahoma City had its first case of bed bugs. Hurray for us, we have an NBA team for 8 years now, and we have bed bugs. Eyikes!

    I like seeing the blue on the ladies, that khaki is worse than orange – no clue where they happened to have a bunch of paper outfits, but OK :D. Oh and the "doctor"? I think he was actually the male nurse who has been in several scenes, mainly when the inmates line up to get their pills. You know Litchfied is too cheap to spring for an actual doctor.

  15. “If this was Wentworth, C.O. Maxwell would have slotted them both. But no this is OITNB, so C.O. Maxwell pats them both on the head and let’s them go back to playing doctor in the bathroom.”

    Can you be a little less transparent with your bias?
    First of all, Wentworth takes place in a MAXIMUM security prison; go read up on the massive difference. Second of all, you completely misrepresented what happened to fit your snarky comment. The female C.O didn’t (metaphorically) pat them on the head, she told Alex she was getting a shot and threatened her with the SHU. She eased on the SHU threat when Piper asked her to emphasize with Alex’s situation and not take her to the SHU. But she gave her a shot. This is totally realistic, and It likely wouldn’t have worked on a male C.O.

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