Cue the worst and most hilarious version of “Hollaback Girl.” I didn’t ask for topless men to hump around to that ridiculous song but it happened. Bennett and his army buddies lip synced for their lives during their tour. Mother Ru still hasn’t decided who won RPDR Army Edition. Bennett explains homoeroticism to a Muslim soldier. It’s what American dudes do for funs. No homo, bro.
We flash to the 24 hour Meth Laundro-Mat. Leanne and Friend are being funny and gross. Soso is complaining about some shit. She wants bean leaves because they cured her last bout of bed bugs. Those didn’t come from Flaca’s chia poon. They came from Portland.
Nichols sets up the fans ’cause it’s hot. Leanne tells Nichols not to spread her gayness and we learn that Leanne calls her poon a “soggy box.” Mmm gotta love soggy boxes.
We get another topless man when Leschek strips to his skivvies so his clothes can get washed. If you’re a misandrist, this is the perfect time to go get another snack or pour more wine into your cup. I think even if you like men, this is the perfect time to do those things too.
And then we’re in the bathroom and Black Cindy is spraying her luscious body down with some Lysol. Taystee expresses concern over Black Cindy’s chemical body spray to which Black Cindy replies, “Please, My Grandma used to douche with disinfectant.”
Suzanne gives us the truth on chinches. Never let them smell your fear cuz then they’ve won. As Taystee gives in to Lysol pressure, Alex walks in and explains why warning labels are important. Suzanne isn’t having it with white girls today, tho. She gives Alex the mal de ojo because she’s all out of potatoes.
In walks Piper and she learns that Lysol is cheaper than condoms and makes your cootchie crest lemon fresh. Thanks, Black Cindy. Thank you forever. And thanks for asking the question of the century: Um when did our bathrooms get gentrified??
The inmates are hurried up and told to exit the bathroom by Maxwell. So of course, Alex and Piper pay her no mind and continue to do as they please. Alex, stressed about getting murked, gives C.O. Maxwell all the attitude and somehow Piper is able to convince Maxwell to be easy on Alex. If this was Wentworth, C.O. Maxwell would have slotted them both. But no this is OITNB, so C.O. Maxwell pats them both on the head and let’s them go back to playing doctor in the bathroom.
Alex and Piper share a tender moment from opposite sides of the bathroom door. They’re the embodiment of the worst relationship ever. Like if someone hustles you into prison after you’ve hustled them into prison, maybe y’all shouldn’t be in love.
Bennett passed a note to Daya during gym class so now they’re meeting at their special spot in the yard. Bennett proposes to Daya with a ring he made out of gum wrappers (?). Sigh. I can’t, won’t ship them y’all.
At the far end of the yard, where no one can see, Nichols attempts to speak in code to Luschek. She even puts on a puppet show for him. She’s got copious amounts of heroin and she wants him to be their transportation out of prison. Luschek is about as slow as a sleeping, pregnant tree-sloth. But eventually he gets it — not before abusing his power to scares Nichols into thinking she got busted. Hahahaha I have the power to send you to solitary or max security. Hahahaha.
Oh Poussey, how did you get here? Why are you really wearing cloves of garlic? Is this really the storyline we want for Poussey? Cloves of garlic?
Anyway. Gloria gave Poussey an egg and in turn Poussey put all of her 99 problems in it which include, Why doesn’t Taystee love me? How do I get books back into the library? And how do I make this garbage bag dress into something more masculine-of-center?
Gloria drops the eggs back with the other eggs. Poussey is disturbed and wonders if others are going to now eat her feelings for Taystee or something like that.
Norma — who has literally been the side focal point of this whole episode — goes behind Gloria’s back and removes the egg from rotation. Norma is the chosen one. No one fucks with Norma’s budding santera self.
We flash to Piper and Alex who remind me of Morticia Adams and Clair Dunphy on some endless prison date, sitting in the lunchroom. Alex believes she’s going through a nervous breakdown.
Red hovers behind Piper and assures her that she’ll think of the right lie to comfort Alex. Piper, in her best monotone voice, tells Piper about her lie to Red. She’s a good girl after all, y’all.
Piper knows that the universe brought them together. ‘Cause like what else could the universe be doing anyway? Just when Alex is on her side and agreeing that their wretched connection is the most beautiful thing in the world — Piper goes for the truth-telling gold. She triple axels over Alex’s head, and sticks her landing as world’s greatest truth teller.
Piper: Bitch, I’m the one who got you in here. I made the call to have someone call your parole officer. I slagged on you. Bam.
Alex whips Piper in the face with a lunch tray. No. But she should have. Instead, Alex calls her a manipulative cunt using her Villain-In-An-Action-Movie voice.
End scene with Piper wide-eyed, completely shocked that her truthery didn’t lead to sexing times with Alex.
Chinches in the library = BURN ALL THE BOOKS AND KILL POUSSEY’S SOUL
Taystee did eat a questionable muffin crumb that was probably a bed bug. Why did they make Taystee eat this thing? What is happening on this show?