Cue the worst and most hilarious version of “Hollaback Girl.” I didn’t ask for topless men to hump around to that ridiculous song but it happened. Bennett and his army buddies lip synced for their lives during their tour. Mother Ru still hasn’t decided who won RPDR Army Edition. Bennett explains homoeroticism to a Muslim soldier. It’s what American dudes do for funs. No homo, bro.
Let me hear you say “This shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”
We flash to the 24 hour Meth Laundro-Mat. Leanne and Friend are being funny and gross. Soso is complaining about some shit. She wants bean leaves because they cured her last bout of bed bugs. Those didn’t come from Flaca’s chia poon. They came from Portland.
And then we added chia seeds, kale, and organic clover honey to the bed bugs and made smoothies!
Nichols sets up the fans ’cause it’s hot. Leanne tells Nichols not to spread her gayness and we learn that Leanne calls her poon a “soggy box.” Mmm gotta love soggy boxes.
Things that go in my soggy box: Dicks, Tampons, and Other things Men Hafta Put Up There.
We get another topless man when Leschek strips to his skivvies so his clothes can get washed. If you’re a misandrist, this is the perfect time to go get another snack or pour more wine into your cup. I think even if you like men, this is the perfect time to do those things too.
And then we’re in the bathroom and Black Cindy is spraying her luscious body down with some Lysol. Taystee expresses concern over Black Cindy’s chemical body spray to which Black Cindy replies, “Please, My Grandma used to douche with disinfectant.”
Oh, what a beautiful mornin’! Oh, what a beautiful day! I’ve got a beautiful feelin’! Everything’s going my way.
Suzanne gives us the truth on chinches. Never let them smell your fear cuz then they’ve won. As Taystee gives in to Lysol pressure, Alex walks in and explains why warning labels are important. Suzanne isn’t having it with white girls today, tho. She gives Alex the mal de ojo because she’s all out of potatoes.
If I poke my finger through the concrete, I can make a sky light.
In walks Piper and she learns that Lysol is cheaper than condoms and makes your cootchie crest lemon fresh. Thanks, Black Cindy. Thank you forever. And thanks for asking the question of the century: Um when did our bathrooms get gentrified??
Next you’re going to be crying cuz you can’t afford to live in Brooklyn anymore.
The inmates are hurried up and told to exit the bathroom by Maxwell. So of course, Alex and Piper pay her no mind and continue to do as they please. Alex, stressed about getting murked, gives C.O. Maxwell all the attitude and somehow Piper is able to convince Maxwell to be easy on Alex. If this was Wentworth, C.O. Maxwell would have slotted them both. But no this is OITNB, so C.O. Maxwell pats them both on the head and let’s them go back to playing doctor in the bathroom.
Listen, I think you’re cool but I’m not wiping your ass.
Alex and Piper share a tender moment from opposite sides of the bathroom door. They’re the embodiment of the worst relationship ever. Like if someone hustles you into prison after you’ve hustled them into prison, maybe y’all shouldn’t be in love.
How many tears do I have to shed before I get to be in a scene with someone who isn’t Piper?
Bennett passed a note to Daya during gym class so now they’re meeting at their special spot in the yard. Bennett proposes to Daya with a ring he made out of gum wrappers (?). Sigh. I can’t, won’t ship them y’all.
Smigel’s gonna be pissed. Haaaaaaa.
At the far end of the yard, where no one can see, Nichols attempts to speak in code to Luschek. She even puts on a puppet show for him. She’s got copious amounts of heroin and she wants him to be their transportation out of prison. Luschek is about as slow as a sleeping, pregnant tree-sloth. But eventually he gets it — not before abusing his power to scares Nichols into thinking she got busted. Hahahaha I have the power to send you to solitary or max security. Hahahaha.
Shut up about your “Not All Men” support group.
Oh Poussey, how did you get here? Why are you really wearing cloves of garlic? Is this really the storyline we want for Poussey? Cloves of garlic?
You said this was a garlic and trashbags party. Why am I the only one wearing garlic and trash bags?
Anyway. Gloria gave Poussey an egg and in turn Poussey put all of her 99 problems in it which include, Why doesn’t Taystee love me? How do I get books back into the library? And how do I make this garbage bag dress into something more masculine-of-center?
Gloria drops the eggs back with the other eggs. Poussey is disturbed and wonders if others are going to now eat her feelings for Taystee or something like that.
You don’t know nan ho that can crack an egg like me.
Norma — who has literally been the side focal point of this whole episode — goes behind Gloria’s back and removes the egg from rotation. Norma is the chosen one. No one fucks with Norma’s budding santera self.
We flash to Piper and Alex who remind me of Morticia Adams and Clair Dunphy on some endless prison date, sitting in the lunchroom. Alex believes she’s going through a nervous breakdown.
At least I didn’t end up married to Ashton Kutcher.
Red hovers behind Piper and assures her that she’ll think of the right lie to comfort Alex. Piper, in her best monotone voice, tells Piper about her lie to Red. She’s a good girl after all, y’all.
Piper knows that the universe brought them together. ‘Cause like what else could the universe be doing anyway? Just when Alex is on her side and agreeing that their wretched connection is the most beautiful thing in the world — Piper goes for the truth-telling gold. She triple axels over Alex’s head, and sticks her landing as world’s greatest truth teller.
Once, I stole a Birkin bag and then the clerk ended up giving it to me anyway cuz she saw how upset I was and omg I was so fucking scared.
Piper: Bitch, I’m the one who got you in here. I made the call to have someone call your parole officer. I slagged on you. Bam.
Alex whips Piper in the face with a lunch tray. No. But she should have. Instead, Alex calls her a manipulative cunt using her Villain-In-An-Action-Movie voice.
NAILED IT!
End scene with Piper wide-eyed, completely shocked that her truthery didn’t lead to sexing times with Alex.
Chinches in the library = BURN ALL THE BOOKS AND KILL POUSSEY’S SOUL
Taystee did eat a questionable muffin crumb that was probably a bed bug. Why did they make Taystee eat this thing? What is happening on this show?
So hypothetically, the clitoris would already be engorged and my tongue would go like somewhere around here?
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hi you’re funny and all these captions made me laugh
i think piper’s sentence is only like 16 months so we’re moving at a very abbreviated pace. maybe this is in real time like 24.
i’ve watched the whole season now and i didn’t realize bennett left so early in the season, but well, i guess he did. SEE YA
Yeah I think Piper (and by extension Daya, because everyone revolves around Piper) has only been in there like 7 months at the start of this season. But I like the running gag of “Daya’s still pregnant” (even though it looks like she lost weight? It took them a really long time to start using a baby bump.)
yay! i’m glad you think i’m funny enough to do recaps with you. cuz seriously those original gleecaps still make me laugh.
anyway, so the idea here is that time moves hella slow? like each episode is literally like one day or something in Litchfield? or the chronology of three seasons and beyond is based on a 16 month sentence?
I think each season is supposed to cover about 3 months. Piper went to prison in October, and the first season ended at Christmas. And somewhere near the end of season 3, Soso says she’s been in prison for about 6 months, and she got to Litchfield in the first episode of season 2. So in this episode, Daya is only about 6 months pregnant.
Agreed. I was just about to post a similar timeline.
Each 13 episode season = 3 months = 1 of Daya’s trimesters.
(Still keep the Daya’s Still Pregnant Watch going. It’s hillarious.)
GRANDMA IS TOO OLD
But if the Diaz family casting is anything to go off of, she’s probably only like 4 years older than Daya
BURN.
They’re very fucked up, but I can’t help getting feelings when Alex and Piper do stuff. :P
I still say why have Ruby Rose on the show and waste her on Piper when she and Poussey could be the hottest couple ever. And Poussey needs a boo!
Everyone is wasted on Piper to be honest.
I thought the same thing! even tho we don’t get Ruby Rose yet at episode two. She’s hooking up with Piper a little later on.
Like Ruby Rose and Poussey would be hot. Ruby Rose and Flaca would be so fucking hot omggggg. But the Piper thing not doing it for me. Nope.
Well, shit. I’m only on Ep 3 but knowing it’s fuckwad Pipes who gets RR really burns my chaps and makes me want to rage quit the show.
I heart the recap, though, the recap is tops!
i wanna see what it looks like when something burns your chaps. lmfao
The RR/Piper thing was in all the press releases about RR being on the show as well as the promo videos they released before the episodes came out. So I didn’t consider it a spoiler.
Seconded the Piper feeling and whoa Ruby Rose and Flaca! But Piper… she can suck the fun out of every scene.
I agree I had this idea for a fanfic boiling in my head where Flaca and Ruby hit it off making Maritza jealous. It sort of irritates me that they’re no queer members of the Hispanic crew or Ruby and Sophia could hook up or she and Poussey. I mean maybe it’s me but I’d like to see some more POC sex scenes. We got like two last season.
I thought I was the only one confused by that Cesar scene, I mean I get that he’s a tough drug dealer but I couldn’t see him pulling a gun on one of the kids. Wasn’t he the one pleading with Aledia last season to talk to Daya over the phone and be there for her?
They were like “how can we make people believe that this Latin@ family is really going to fuck this baby up and not even be able to stand a chance against one rich white lady?”
OH SHIT WE’LL GET THE DAD TO PULL A GUN ON HIS KID.
and everyone in that writing room rejoiced and the scene was shot. Pew pew pew!
Yeah that scene really pissed me off now that I think about it.
I mean I got the vibe that while he’s a tough drug dealer he still essentially cared for Aledia and Daya and the kids. It feels like certain characters this season are just switching on a dime in order to make the show more dramatic.
That scene was awful.
Right!! Especially *SPOILER!!!* with Cesar’s behavior in the finale… Like, none of that scene made sense!
Also I have to be honest I really didn’t see Bennett just taking of like that.
me neither. i’m not shocked by it. however, the to push yourself to the emotional limits by making a girl an arts n chewing gum wrapper engagement ring must really take a lot out of someone.
That’s true this may be an unpopular opinion but despite Pornsatache being an awful human being at least he was willing to step up to the plate and be there for Daya’s baby despite the consequences of it, which is more than I can say for Bennett.
Thank Lesbian Jesus that both Larry AND Bennett are gone [praying hands emoji]
(I really hope this works)
No? Ok. I guess I can’t find a valid link to the image. But it’s Doggett’s praise Jesus hands.
https://twitter.com/iflipforrizzles/status/610801096743759872
I fall more and more in love with Black Cindy every episode while getting more and more annoyed at Piper at the same damn time.
That Bennett video is the greatest thing he has ever done.
Also, I’m reading this recap after just finishing episode 10. Oh GOD, do I need somebody to talk to after that. Just. Oh My God.
Black Cindy has edged out Poussey as my favorite character.
My list: Black Cindy, Flaca & Maritza, Red, Taystee, Suzanne, Pensatucky, Gloria, Norma, Leanne
Everyone else like Poussey, Daya, Alex, they’re all fine and good but they’re just not doing it for me this season.
I ship Flaritza so hard.
Yess, I binge-watched all of them, and I need to vent! All of my friends watch it next weekend. A week till I can talk about it, dammit. Every time I think I can’t be more fed up with Piper she somehow makes it possible.
Also, yeah, 10th episode.
I haven’t watched this episode yet but just agreeing with Gabby re Flaca and Maritza, Gloria, Red, Taystee, Black Cindy, Poussey, and Blanca being my favourite characters. Also Pennsatucky, Leanne and her minion, and Healey.
“Piper, the cherubic spawn of Polly Pocket and Dennis the Menace”
omg
Re. Cesar’s new baby — wasn’t Aleida there already when Daya arrived at Lichfield? So she might have been gone longer.
But yes, that baby should really be here by now.
True. I forgot about that part. Yes, Aleida’s been there longer. Long enough for her man to creep on her and knock someone else up and have a new baby irl.
SPOILERS re TIME:
They place the date of episode 4 as the 7th of June, Daya got pregnant in October/November. Piper is about 10 months into her sentence.
“can those of us who aren’t Native stop calling things our spirit animals? Like I thought we all already knew not to do that.”
I actually didn’t know that, so thank you! I will henceforth refer to Chang and anyone else as my patronus.
yes, patronus! i’ll even start calling things/people/animals my patronus. thanks!
i also didn’t know that, so seconding the thanks!
though i have always preferred thinking in terms of dæmons (a la the His Dark Materials series). mine is a hedgehog.
your daemon is a hedgehog? i can’t stop wheeze gigggling, like my belly is wobbling cuz of you.
YES. backstory: my daemon was bestowed upon me by my bff, who said it would be a hedgehog because it would curl up into a ball when i was overwhelmed with the world, both in moments of annoyance and also joy.
couldn’t you see it just traveling around in the pocket of my a-camp hoodie?
Maddie I think my heart just exploded.
Patronus was my immediate thought also! LOVE IT.
Never ever ever, ever EVER sit at the Black Women’s only table lol where you think the #youcantsitwitus hashtag came from lmfao
better stock up on potatoes
I echo your feelings about, what the f*ck is happening in this show? The Piper/Alex dynamic, the Bennet weirdness, the bed bug epidemic and Taystee eating a bedbug/muffin crumb left me feeling like I was watching a fever dream version of OITNB. I’ve finished the season now, and I really did enjoy it overall, but episodes 1-3 were strange.
right it’s such a waste. like that one episode last season where the whole damn thing was about Daya moving her bowels. i felt cheated out of an interesting/thoughtful storyline moment with her. like yes, she’s preggs we get it. morning sickness, constipation, back pain, and more! but a whole episode re: her bms? stop.
so yes, fever dream episodes are the worst. ps- hi!
On a very serious note, Gabby, if the OITNB writers were smart they’d hire you to do what they apparently have lost the ability to do: Make it fun to hate Piper (at least). Your recap(s) and captions are making me rethink my knee-jerk urge to rage quit the show!
Am I the only one that thought all the underwears in this episode were super cute? Like the bullet bras and high waisted panties looked kinda pin up.
totally cute.
so cute. i couldn’t believe it was happening it felt like fanservice
“Arroz con Cinches”.
The smallest caption, but I laughed for sooooo long, and soooooo hard. Maybe because I kept imagining my Puerto Rican abuela saying it while pointing a spoon at me from her stove over a caldero?
Yes. That is probably why.
I’m so happy you will he recapping with us! You, Riese, and Heather are definitely the recapping dream team. It’s going to be a glorious next few weeks :)
(And yes, alllllllll the PR and DR accents!! It gave me so many nostalgic/ I miss my titis y primos en New York feelings. You are not alone.)
“You, Riese, and Heather are definitely the recapping dream team. It’s going to be a glorious next few weeks.”
aw this warmed my heartstrings.
I never managed to hate Bennett as much as he deserved. I think I read him as queer the second I saw him and so no matter his fuckery I could never despise him because I thought of him as fam.
OOPS.
I feel like now is a good time to note that my phone keeps autocorrecting “Piper” to “Fiber”
i could change her name to Fiber forever if you’d like that.
You’re so good to us, Gabby.
this would def be appropriate.
Just logged in for the first time in months (closer to years) just to give you props for this caption: “How are you gonna make arroz con chinches without Adobo?”
Also, A+ for the Jenny Schecter reference (ughh, how do I still hate her so much after all these years?)
Your recaps are the best I’ve read so far. Since I’ve already binged through the season twice (I clearly have too much time on my hands and a tad bit of an obsession) I am really looking forward to the rest of your recaps.
welcome back! don’t be a stranger. our recap team is going to serve up all the goods and laughs this season.
thanks for the love!
These recaps are GOLD, Gabby. Omg.
Also I AM SO PROUD I CALLED THE BEDBUG EPIDEMIC. When the little girl started scratching I almost yelled into my ipad: BED BUGS. EVERYONE IS FUCKED.
I called it when the kids were in the yard and Lucy’s sister was picking things out of her hair.
this show is a fucking mess and this made me laugh until I almost pissed myself so thanks for that
OK, gross mustache aside, Susi and I both thought Caputo’s Uncomfortable Uncle Sex Talk was actually really good advice. Everyone should masterbate more. Maybe not in your office, but still.
i find the mustache so profoundly disturbing
every time i like caputo, i look at his face and then feel weird again
Thank you, Gabby.
Recaps on Autostraddle double the fun (or in the case of Glee, consist of the only fun) of a show!
Yeah, this episode (I’m gonna say it, this season?) was a hot mess. At least I can laugh at arroz con chinches forever now and not think about what a jackass Bennett is
I was dying reading this recap! You had me rollin’, especially the “You Don’t Know My Name” reference. Taking me back to high school!
I have to say, it’s hot as all hell when Piper tops Alex. I think this is because I can personally connect with Alex’s top vibes and I do enjoy it when I’m caught off guard and a girl surprises me by being more dominant. This scene and the one from season 1 when Piper gets out of the SHU and forces Alex in the chapel are my favorite Vauseman moments for sure. Also, I have a thing for sexually repressed WASPY women. Blame it on my New England upbringing.
so we have thin ONE bisexual/pansexual/multisexual character on the show and OF COURSE she’s a frickin annoying, greedy, manipulative B-word
fuck you piper
and fuck you writers team
i hate this
I agree that there aren’t many bi/pan/multisexual characters on the show, and also agree that Piper is a real tool, but I don’t think it’s accurate to say that Piper is the only one. Morello’s relationship with Nicky, despite her “engagement” to Christopher, makes it hard to argue that Morello is monosexual (though I would imagine the character would ID herself that way). Also, I may be wrong about this, but wasn’t Soso proclaiming herself to be straight when she first came to Lichfield? Trying not to spoil, but by the end of Season 3 there’s an implication of a budding romance between Soso and somebody else.
Will henceforth be using the phrase “chia pet” as a nickname.
“Tits, pits, and naughty bits are really the only things that need scrubbing, according to Black Cindy.”
the technical term for that is a ‘glasgow shower’, although traditionally it would be done with toilet paper and hand soap in a public toilet
The technical term? :D Hmm, maybe that depends on what kind of racists you have living near you? Pretty sue there is no “technical term”, but it isn’t nice, that is for sure.
About ten years ago I had never heard that washing in the sink was a thing that had a name (looks like it has several!), but then I was shocked to hear a girl I had just met say she was in a hurry and took a “Mexican Shower” (this is not a girl I like very much, she has no filter in the worst way). I asked what the heck she was talking about since she had a Mexican boyfriend (who is now her ex-husband). I used to be a big scaredy cat about stuff that makes me cringe, hearing someone be so gross and racist so I asked how she could say that and she said “I said it because it’s TRUE!”
She has like 14 diseases and a kid who runs away every other day now (her FB page? Like the worst soap opera/telenovela ever.
So no, that is not a “technical term”, more like not nice slang – just insert a whole group of people you think are dirty and boom, cringe- worthy term. People have really expanded on the original icky rude Pollack (sp? I just know how to spell POLISH) jokes.
PS – wouldn’t toilet paper just fall apart if you got it wet and washed with it?
No matter what happens after this episode I finally got to see Piper going down on Alex and now all is right with the world lol. That scene was infinity levels of hot! I’d say how many times I’ve watched it but honestly I don’t think I can count that high lol. Taylor and Laura’s chemistry is just so off the charts amazing that even in scenes where I shouldn’t want Piper and Alex together I can’t help but want them together. And on a totally shallow note I’m loving the new leg tattoo on Alex!
I am rewatching the show again after finishing Season 4. (Heart. Broken.) I came to look for something and got distracted reading about some crazy “Natasha Lyonne Watch” from 10 years ago. SOOO glad her life improved!
Is this a line that someone on the show said? “So how for she get bitted?” <—- I guess that sounds like someone who is newly learning English, because that is one bad silly sentence! :) Any day now, we will not be able to communicate at all through writing or typing since … seriously? "How for she get bitted?"??? I have to stop and move on, that is driving me nuts.
Why doesn't Cindy shower? She is spraying herself with I guess Lysol ("My Grandma douched with Lysol!" – OMG. I so hope the writers made that up but probably someone actually did it. That lady who died of ovarian cancer and her family won that huge settlement from a talcum powder company was douching (which BTW is not good for you, ladies! We have a whole self-cleaning oven sitch down there, nuff said)
What bit her? Bed bugs. I guess they bite, i lucked out so far on this, no one in my state had even seen a bed bug until one of the NBA team that was staying here in a GORGEOUS, expensive (AKA not exactly the No-Tell Motel. Hotel when they were here to play The Thunder. They left, and Oklahoma City had its first case of bed bugs. Hurray for us, we have an NBA team for 8 years now, and we have bed bugs. Eyikes!
I like seeing the blue on the ladies, that khaki is worse than orange – no clue where they happened to have a bunch of paper outfits, but OK :D. Oh and the "doctor"? I think he was actually the male nurse who has been in several scenes, mainly when the inmates line up to get their pills. You know Litchfied is too cheap to spring for an actual doctor.
“If this was Wentworth, C.O. Maxwell would have slotted them both. But no this is OITNB, so C.O. Maxwell pats them both on the head and let’s them go back to playing doctor in the bathroom.”
Can you be a little less transparent with your bias?
First of all, Wentworth takes place in a MAXIMUM security prison; go read up on the massive difference. Second of all, you completely misrepresented what happened to fit your snarky comment. The female C.O didn’t (metaphorically) pat them on the head, she told Alex she was getting a shot and threatened her with the SHU. She eased on the SHU threat when Piper asked her to emphasize with Alex’s situation and not take her to the SHU. But she gave her a shot. This is totally realistic, and It likely wouldn’t have worked on a male C.O.