Orange Is The New Black Episode 213 Recap: And I Will Never Finger Her

Healey has undergone a total eclipse of the heart, and hits up Luscheck to give him a work order claiming that Suzanne was working in the warehouse during the time of the Red Attack. He’s gonna save the day!

"K...I...C...K... M...E"

“K…I…C…K… M…E”


Vee is losing it. She visits Taystee in her bunk, wanting to know how “her girl” is, but Taystee’s not her girl anymore! TAKE THAT YOU EVIL BITCH.

Fuck it I'm never going off Zoloft cold turkey again

Remind me to never go off Zoloft cold turkey again

Vee grasps for the last remaining vestiges of her power:

Vee: I had to teach you a little lesson but the time out is over. Come on back. Play with mama.
Taystee: I think I’ll stay in the corner.

Mhm.

pousswayze

As Vee stands there wondering if she left the oven on, Poussey and Watson approach. Vee slowly begins to realize what’s going on. She can’t fuck with Taystee now! When you finally let go of a manipulative person they seem so ridiculous, don’t they? Because it’s been ridiculous all along, but that’s why you needed to be tricked into believing in it in the first place.

YOU'RE GAY! I can tell!

YOU’RE GAY! I can tell!

No shit it was on Autostraddle last week

No shit

Taystee: Here’s the thing about Mamas, they’re only mamas as long as they’ve got kids. Without ’em, what are they?
Poussey: Uh, nothing.
Black Cindy: You got to have people. Especially in here you just got to.
Poussey: Otherwise you find yourself vulnerable to all sort of shit.
Black Cindy: Mm hmm hmm. Lots of locks. Lots of socks.
Vee: You’re turning me out? Fuck you. You think I can’t survive? I will find a new family.
Taystee: Of course you will. As long as there’s psychos like you, theres always people willing to follow.
Poussey: Yeah, I’m sure you’ll find all sorts of new suckers over at Max.

Vee tells Taystee that Taystee has broken her heart, but Taystee says Vee would have to HAVE a heart in order to have it broken, so SUCK IT they’re gonna go turn Vee in for murder haaayyy!

Oh, so NOW you don't consider the small of your back an erogenous zone anymore, do ya?

Oh, so NOW you don’t consider the small of your back an erogenous zone anymore, do ya?


Back in the Van Trip of Love, Moretti says Toy Story 2 is even better than the original and they could play it next week. Ford tells Rosa that it’s really fucked up that she’s gotta spend the last few weeks of her entire life on earth in prison, and then he starts singing along to “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” which instantly becomes the saddest song in the whole world.

Reality's dark claws were sinking in to the hearts and minds of the car's passengers: there might not be an In-and-Out for another hundred miles. They might have to pick another restaurant. They might have to eat something else altogether, or risk hunger and death.

It had been one hundred miles and they had yet to find an In-and-Out, or even a sign promising an In-and-Out in the near future. What would they do? What other fast food restaurant would everybody in the car agree on?


In the bathroom, we encounter Soso, who we’ve watched degenerate over time in the same way that Piper did in Season One — a person who came from privilege, realizing day by day everything she once took for granted and the smooth criminal in her gut that may have been there all along. Soso tells Piper she was right about that “get a wife” thing, even though she’d said it as a joke.

Biore pore strips? Really? Everybody knows that shit doesn't work.

Biore pore strips? Really? That’s the best advice you’ve got? Everybody knows that shit doesn’t work.

Soso: This is the loneliest I’ve ever been, and I lived alone in a tree for eight months. It sucks. And no one understands.
Piper: Yeah, you’re pretty much on your own in here.
Soso: Like Meadow asked if she could mail me a care package, like it’s camp. It’s not camp! It’s fucking awful. I don’t think I’m gonna be the same when I get out.
Piper: Maybe that’s okay.
Soso: It’s not fucking okay.
Piper: I know.

Shit is dark. It’s dark like a tunnel with the light at the end so far off that some days you’re not even sure if it’s really there.


The cops are trying to wrap shit up with Suzanne, who’s dedicated hereslf to faithfully re-enacting the second-to-last scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, because she’s perfect.

Man: Thank you for your cooperation.
Suzanne: Oh! “We say ‘thank you,’ we say ‘please’ and ‘excuse me’ when we sneeze. That’s the way we do what’s right. We have manners, we’re polite!”

Mommy Mommy my pigtails are too tight!

Mommy Mommy my pigtails are too tight!

The men feel that their work is done and they’re ready to head home for the night but are blocked in the hallway by Poussey, Taystee, Watson and Cindy, who wanna recant their testimony: justice is not being served! It wasn’t Suzanne! It was Vee! You HAVE TO BELIEVE THEM!

Seriously like, maybe Modern Family was funny a few seasons ago, but that shit has gone downhill and everybody knows it!

Seriously like, Modern Family is funny and all, but that shit has gone downhill lately and everybody knows it, plus fuck all that noise about promoting “non-traditional family structures” when the only non-traditional thing those families do is spend their entire lives playing tricks on each other and fighting!

It's the most diverse family show on television!

What about that gay couple though, isn’t that the kind of “diversity” you people wanna see on television?

BUT THEY FUCKING HATE EACH OTHER!

JUST GIVE US THE DAMN EMMY!

The cops don’t really give a shit, they wanna go home and have drinks at the horse bar. Then Healey shows up with the work order that proves Suzanne was in electrical when that shit went down and therefore couldn’t have been the killer. It’s not actually true, but who cares. GO HEALEY!!!!


Caputo’s cleaning the candy bar wrappers from Fig’s desk when Bennett shows up to inform him that he impregnated Daya! Bennet is yelling “I fucked her!” and Caputo is yelling “no you didn’t!” It’s a great moment in men’s history.

You couldn't even send me an Edible Arrangement? What kind of welcome wagon is this?

You couldn’t even send me an Edible Arrangement? What kind of welcome wagon is this?

Caputo requests that Bennett stop talking and bury this shit or else he’ll ruin Daya’s life forever!

Caputo: “It’s my second day. My second fucking day. Get out of here.”


Meanwhile in The Outside World, Larry and Polly are driving around talking about how much they hate that bitch Miracle Whip when Piper calls from prison because she needs a favor and they owe her one.

please go to voicemail please go to voicemail please go to voicemail

please go to voicemail please go to voicemail please go to voicemail

She needs them to call David Crockett’s and tell him that Alex Vause is violating the terms of her probation. I think what’s happening here is that Piper wants Alex Vause back in prison for Season Three so Piper has somebody to watch Faking It with.

Larry: And the purpose of this is what?
Piper: Larry, I am giving you the opportunity to fuck over someone that you hate!
Larry: And why would I do that? So she lands back in there with you?
Piper: Polly?
Polly: What’s the office called again?

NICE.

C'mon admit it you kinda wanna experiment with pony play

C’mon admit it you kinda wanna experiment with pony play


Meanwhile, the coppers can’t find Vee, which makes Healey and Caputo look like the biggest bananaheads.

I'm gonna find that iPod Touch if it's the last thing I do

I’m gonna find that iPod Touch if it’s the last thing I do

This is also the moment in this episode when you realized you weren’t gonna see any more girl-on-girl action this season, so there was something missing here on a few levels.


One of Red’s pals heads out to the Greenhouse and notices that the underground tunnel has been exposed and utilized. She covers it up, but clearly somebody’s already gotten out — and then we cut to the forest where Oliver Thredson released his human/beasts into the wild but unfortunately none of them are around to eat Vee.

Dammit I know I should've packed some earmuffs

Dammit I knew I should’ve packed some earmuffs


Nicky and Big Boo take a stealth mission to the laundry room, where Nicky stashed a bunch of heroin they’re hoping will Nail That Bitch Vee. They’re in a deep ethical debate regarding the following: why Nicky hid the stuff in the laundry room (you can’t go to the warehouse with a bag of laundry, DUH), whether or not Caputo will believe that it’s theirs. Then this chat is rudely interrupted by the blaring LOCKDOWN alarm.

Wait, really? Like there's no nutritional value whatsoever in white rice?

Wait, really? Like there’s no nutritional value whatsoever in white rice?

Everybody stops and drops. Bennett informs the kitchen that Vee is missing. Ford leaves Moretti alone in the van with Rosa. The guards inform the girls they must remain in their bunks until further notice.


Back in The Realish World, Alex Vause is curled up with a blanket and a book when there’s a knock at the door. She’s frightened. She creeps into the hallway. Whoever is knocking is playing with the doorknob. She grabs her gun and cocks it and yells “don’t take another step!”

I can't believe these bastards got me back into paintball

I can’t believe these bastards got me back into paintball

Oops! It turns out to be her landlord.

Don't look at me I just got a chemical peel and my face is a little ruddy

Don’t look at me I just got a chemical peel and my face is a little ruddy

…and her probation officer.

Well, it appears you are wearing the animal onesie that was reported stolen from a lesbian meet-up at Espresso Royale, we're going to have to take that with us.

Well, it appears you are wearing the animal onesie that was reported stolen from a lesbian meet-up at Espresso Royale, we’re going to have to take that with us.

“Fuck,” says Alex Vause.


Back at Litchfield, the ladies are officially remanded to their bunks until somebody locates Runaway Vee. Piper decides to pass the endless hours with a little light reading — The Collected Letters Of Alex Vause to Piper Chapman In Jail, a riveting follow-up to The Collected Letters of Vita Sackville-West and Virginia Woolf — and whatever it is she’s reading in there, she likes it. It even makes her chuckle. I know that because the closed caption said “[chuckles]”

Okay, this one kinda feels like it might have xanax in it...

Okay, this one kinda feels like it might have xanax in it…

Watson does crunches while Poussey supervises/counts/reads a magazine, Sophia does an inmate’s hair, Taystee and Black Cindy shoot the shit…

This is how lesbians have sex

This is how lesbians have sex

…and Suzanne weeps. She weeps. She clutches that pack of UNO cards in her palms and weeps from that dark sad place life’s always tossing her into, that place where you can’t trust anybody, especially people who say they love you. She was in love with Vee, wasn’t she? She was. Now her heart is broken and messy and, I imagine, exhausted.

OITNB213-00420


Back outside Litchfield, Moretti’s getting antsy in the van waiting to see what she’s supposed to do next, and then she decides what to do — she unbuckles her seatbelt, opens the door, and gives Rosa her bidding:

Moretti: Don’t die in here, Miss Rosa. Go do it your own way.

Just like that, Moretti vacates the vehicle and hops over to Ford, who’s telling her what happens next now that the prison is on lockdown. While he’s distracted, Rosa takes the wheel and begins her speedy escape.

Is going straight to Kentucky Fried Chicken

OMG there IS an In-and-Out at this exit!

Meanwhile, Caputo’s walking Sister Ingalls out to Occupy Litchfield With Nuns, running through what she’s gonna tell them about electing to end her hunger strike.

Come on just let me try the scarf on at least, I'll give it right back!

Come on just let me try the scarf on at least, I’ll give it right back!

They’re just about ready to deliver the news to the nuns when the white van comes barreling down the street, headed straight for Caputo and Ingalls and then the nuns. Caputo yells for O’Neill to “scatter the nuns.” O’Neil is probably thinking, “I’d been wondering when my Nun-Scattering Skills would finally be put to use.”

This iPhone 7 really better be worth the wait

This iPhone 7 really better be worth the wait

Rosa barrels past the barricades, gripping the steering wheel with quick confidence, high on the freedom of having her own life in her hands again, and wheels beneath her feet.

Wait but I left my hoodie in that van

Wait but I left my hoodie in that van

Meanwhile, Vee’s still on her Outward Bound solo in the Connecticut Woodlands.

I'm gonna get Red Coat if it's the last thing I do

I’m gonna get Red Coat if it’s the last thing I do

Rosa is ecstatic. She rolls down the window, she pumps up the radio — “Don’t Fear The Reaper” is on, of course.

Is thinking about that cheeseburger

Is thinking about that cheeseburger

She rounds a corner and there Vee is, just like that.

BONNAROO OR BUST

BONNAROO OR BUST

She’s made it through the woods onto the side of the street Rosa’s driving down, and Rosa swerves to ram right into Vee, hurling Vee’s body in the air. She lands on the side of the road. Is she dead? I hope so, but let’s be real: probably not.

But.. I just wanted... to... get... Caputo... his... hooodieee

But.. I just wanted… to… get… Caputo… his… hooodieee

“Always so rude, that one,” Rosa says, clenching her teeth, breathing fresh air, squeezing the steering wheel, and suddenly she’s young again, a beautiful girl with wild hair and mouthy lipstick who doesn’t give a shit about the sirens.

I'M GETTING A DOUBLE DOUBLE BITCHES HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW

I’M GETTING A DOUBLE DOUBLE BITCHES HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW

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Riese

Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3181 articles for us.

24 Comments

  1. “Watson and Black Cindy finger Suzanne, as instructed, but they don’t seem happy about it.”

    BAHAHAHAHAHA. I am a child.

  2. Okay serious comment about the Fig scene: I know we’re supposed to be like YAY CAPUTO YOU COERCED A WOMAN INTO AN UNWANTED SEXUAL ACT WITH YOU but I have a huge problem with that scene. It just made me really uncomfortable- anyone else?

    • Fig makes my skin crawl, but Caputo *blackmails* her into giving him a blow job. That’s indisputably a sexual assault scene — and an incredibly graphic one, at that. Can we recognize this scene as an opportunity to unpack how rape & the threat of rape are used to punish and control women (even evil women characters)? I want to see Fig get her just desserts too, but I find the Mean Girls’ quote as a response to a (undeniably repulsive) character’s sexual assault disconcerting, y’all.

      • Yeah, that was defiantly blackmail and assault. Caputo knew that she was only making the offer in exchange for his silence.

    • That scene upsets me a lot too. I get a really gross message out of it; a woman in power can be easily degraded into a (rightful?) position that makes her submissive to a man. Caputo gets to show he has all the power by sexually humiliating Fig. I have trouble with this whole situation.

      Now, I’m sure that Caputo won’t be able to handle the prison bureaucracy any better than Fig and he’ll inevitably screw up – probably worse than Fig ever did. But I doubt Caputo will have to give his successor a BJ. If the tone of the scene had been different, it could have been an interesting comment on complicities of sexism and power. But as it is, we’re supposed to celebrate with Caputo and that’s just unsettling.

      • Also think it is especially unsettling not only because the direction does seem to see it as a moment of celebration for Caputo rather than further making him out to be disgusting, but it also means that all of Figs major humiliations are sexual in nature. She gets off for embezzlement and looks like she will continue to play the dutiful wife role to see her husband win office. She even gets a clean record and can resign instead of be fired. All of her narrative “retribution” or “comeuppance” is around the husband she has endangered her career for cheating on her with a guy and her being tricked into giving Caputo a blowjob.

    • I was so unbelievably uncomfortable with it. I scrolled through the comments specifically to see if anyone else was. I mean, she was awful, but she was so ridiculously vulnerable in that moment and he took advantage of that and then laughed at her despair. Plus, consensual sex is all about consent and she while she may have consented to a sex act with him to keep those files safe (problematic enough as it was) that was not his intent so he withheld information which negated her consent making that sex act non-consensual and therefore an act of rape. Pretty effing disgusting all around. Plus, just the idea of him getting off on that sad sad desperate and seemingly helpless human being, was disgusting and very disturbing.

    • Yeah I really hate feeling like me as the viewer is complicit in this. I felt like they were trying to manipulate us into rooting for Caputo in this moment.

  3. Man, can we do series where we replace mark wahlberg’s face with our queer fan girl idols? Or just get Soso a nice button down?

  4. Is that an Empire Records reference in an OITNB recap? I’m not sure my brain is able to process that much joy!

  5. I loved Red and Sister Ingalls this episode, with their sex talk and sandwich toasting. That was a great thing to see on TV.

    Also, I really want to see more of Maria and Yadriel and their baby next season. Their scene in this episode was beautiful.

  6. This season had some things that worked for me, most of all being the show finally wising up (as Pretty Little Liars never has with Ezra) to the fact that Bennett is an abusive asshole. I really enjoyed the way his portrayal this season (threatening some of the incarcerated women, tearing the bunks apart, etc.) gave some perspective on the ways in which his sexual and romantic relationship with Daya isn’t OK just because “I love her” and in fact bears some striking similarities to Pornstache’s sexual relationships with some of the incarcerated women. Also everyone realizing what an annoying person Piper is and treating her accordingly.

    Things that didn’t work for me: the “ultimate villain” and one of the only characters who isn’t even slightly humanized (hell, even Pornstache got more sympathy in his scenes moping over true love with Bennett) as a woman of color and a person who is incarcerated. People recognize that Fig, Caputo, Healy, etc. are not really good people but they still have traits one can relate to; by the end, Vee was just a cartoon. Even her care for Taystee and RJ was completely invalidated. And on that note, the end of this season was a fucking cartoon period. People have already pointed out that Moretti being allowed to drive when she’s incarcerated for attempted murder is ridiculous; turning the car over to Miss Rosa so she can drive off into the sunset and on the way, take someone out, reads like the end of a comedic movie. If Orange is the New Black is looking to go full-on comedy, it’s the showrunners’ and writers’ prerogative to do so, but it’s a shame to think of the potential wasted (and the ways in which the dramatic abilities of the actors will be wasted). It turned me off completely. As much as I love ladies fucking, this season also spent so much on that at the expense of other storylines highlighting the complexities and inequities of the prison-industrial complex that by the end I was tired of that too.

    tl;dr While I followed this season’s arc hopefully, I’m really hesitant to invest in Season 3 given how this season ended.

    • I don’t think Morello is supposed to be in for attempted murder given the length of her sentence and that it is minimum security, especially as it involved an attempt at a bomb. I think she may be doing these 3 years for the mail fraud. In some minimum security prisons inmates do do a lot of work, so her being allowed to drive while supervised if she is a non-violent offender (for this sentence at least) makes sense. Given the courtroom scene of her flashback, Christopher may have been a character witness against her.

      As for Vee, I get why some people may feel it is problematic because she is shown as being a predator not seeking redemption. However, I also think it is a great portrayal of how much of a predator some people can be, and how they can draw vulnerable people in. She just doesn’t have the protections that privilege often offers. But she is a bad person who preys on people, and I think it is okay to portray her as such. The things she do, including selling heroin, harms people and communities. She is a standard ruthless bussinessperson who puts profit and power before all else. I think it would have been interesting for someone to comment on her being in prison but a representative from Phillip Morris being brought in as a special guest.

      • uugggh, *Morello, I fail at getting characters’ names right even when they are right in front of me. I like the suggestion you make about having someone comment on her presence but the Phillip Morris representative brought in as a special guest. And people like Vee do exist – it’s less the presence of her character that I have a problem with and more the fact that none of the characters in positions of greater power in the PIC are similarly portrayed.

        Your comments about Morelli’s sentence make a lot more sense in the context of the prison world. I can’t remember from what they showed of her trial this season if it’s just Christopher who stands up talking about the bomb or if it’s the judge in the sentencing. On the other hand, Miss Claudette sure appeared to be in for murder based on how her story was presented, so it doesn’t seem like the internal universe has good consistency. I’m confused about that.

        • I get the impression Miss Claudette was in max security for a number of years and got down graded to minimum for good behaviour, so maybe not quite the same as Morello being allowed to drive?

          It’s been a while since I watched it now and I can’t remember the finer details so well.

  7. 1. I still think Soso’s backstory is going to be Morello-level out of left field.
    2. I have always thought of Maria’s Silent Partner as one of my favorite characters. I mean, they are shown as the most faithful visitor, and they’re obviously a good listener. Also, I think the actor really showed their chops when they first found out about the transfer and were struggling not to cry while Maria talked to their baby.
    3. O’Neill is full of so much win this episode, just so much win.
    4. Doggett’s speech to Healey was a real heartstrings puller for me.
    5. I found the ending a bit over the top, and given this show expect to have season three open with Vee alive, Ford fired, and Morello in SHU or at the very least with any liberties she might have restricted.

    • I agree I think that Soso is hiding something and I really enjoy Maria and her boyfriend Yadriel’s relationship. I just hope next season we get to see more of the Hispanic women’s backstories. I’d love to know how Maritza and Flaca met or just more of them in general ( which is partially due to my huge crush on Diane Guerrero)or more moments with Daya and Aledia. I have a feeling that the rules are going to get stricter in season 3 which is going to result in a riot. I mean that riot gear was foreshadowing something.

  8. Loved this episode! The season as a whole wasn’t as good as season one for me mostly due to the lack of Alex and the Alex/Piper relationship which was what really kept me glued to the screen in the first season. So I was thrilled to see Alex will be back on her way to jail for season 3 and the visiting scene was absolutely heartwrenching. I think I literally squealed with joy when it was revealed Piper had saved all of Alex’s letters lol.

    This last episode and that last scene was everything though. The middle episodes were really slow for me but the last few really ramped up the action and ended the season on a great note. Can’t wait for season 3!

  9. You know Piper trying to sabotage Alex’s probation reminds me of when Miss Claudette stopped Trisha from planting drugs in Mercy’s cell. I will say one critique I have of this season is that I wish that there was a bit more foreshadowing in season one about Vee’s role. Maybe I’m being a bit nitpicky but certain things felt a bit rushed like “bam Taystee has an evil foster mother” or “bam Poussey is in love with Taystee” I also felt that the tone could’ve been handled a bit better. I mean the show goes from being a pretty campy show with dark moments to just a dark show. Vee is an evil villain but we don’t really know how she got to become so horrible to begin with and I had no idea that Taystee had a “foster” mother. Her role with Taystee makes sense and is interesting but I wish that she had gave us some hint about it in season one. Miss Rosa really shined this season though as well as Gloria and Poussey.

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