Orange Is The New Black Episode 213 Recap: And I Will Never Finger Her

Moretti, Ford and Rosa go on a drive, saying cute things in the breeze, loving life, living the dream. Moretti used to think there were itty-bitty people inside the radio and Rosa used to put scotch tape on her dolls so she’d know if they moved while she was sleeping. People are people!

Hell no dude I'm not switching off 102.1 The Beat of The Bay's commercial-free August so we can listen to "Fresh Air"

Hell no dude I’m not switching off 102.1 The Beat of The Bay’s commercial-free August so we can listen to “Fresh Air”

Vee finds a mysterious card in her bunk! It’s a card, probably from Nicky, reading:

notice the homosexual subtext

notice the homosexual subtext

Vee enters a hot panic that her drugs have been stolen. She zooms downstairs to the warehouse and starts rifling through her shit like me trying to find a quote from my 7th grade diary that I think would be perfect for an Autostraddle personal essay I’ll never finish. Vee is LOSING HER SHIT, despite the fact that Black Cindy is already down there, saying perfect things and being amazing:

Black Cindy: Hey, you ever think about Jay-Z and Beyonce fucking? ‘Cause I do. Like, more than I do myself, even. You think that’s weird?

Vee’s got no time for this pressing question, she wants to know who the fuck has been in there and fucked with her shit, and Black Cindy obviously doesn’t know. Black Cindy’s like, “I know you’re not exactly a Mathlete, but I could demolish you with my great strength.” Then Vee slaps her in the face and holds a stick to her neck and shit just isn’t going well right now.

Whoa I did not put "severed chair legs" on my consent list for sexual activity in this relationship

Whoa I did not put “severed chair legs” on my consent list for sexual activity in this relationship

Outside at Occupy Litchfield With Nuns, O’Neill is singing songs for the nuns on his mini banjo. It’s charming as fuck.

Hey soul sister, ain't that mister mister on the radio, stereo, The way you move ain't fair you know

Hey soul sister, ain’t that mister mister on the radio, stereo, The way you move ain’t fair you know..

Who's gonna tell him that Jesus hates that song

Someone’s gotta tell this guy that Jesus hates this song

Red has summoned Healey to the medical ward so she can sing like a canary about Vee being the culprit. But Healey says it’s a done deal, Suzanne’s taking the hit.

Red: “You’d let the crazy one take the hit for the real evil? Where’s your fight, Healy? You used to care.”

I See Dead-Inside People

I See Dead-Inside People

Meanwhile, the doctor tells Rosa that the chemo isn’t working, the cancer is aggressive, and that she’s got three to six weeks to live! AWESOME.

Please don't let me die in this jacket

Please don’t let me die in these pants

Daddy and the baby are so happy about Maria not getting transferred and suddenly her silent boyfriend has a lot to say!

Yes you ARE the cutest human on this show You ARE

Yes you ARE the cutest human on this show You ARE

This is like a key moment in the show because this is when you realize that you had so many preconceived stereotypes about this guy. That you assumed the worst about him — that he resented the child, resented Maria — because he’s a man with tattoos and jewelry who never said a word to the mother of his child even though she’s in jail and clearly yearning for a connection with him. But who made the baby look so cute every time? He did! He loves her with his whole heart. He’s just quiet, that’s all.

The guard had been standing there for what felt like hours. Would anybody ever give him a break? Would he ever get a chance to pee? This job sure wasn't what he signed up for.

The guard had been standing there for what felt like hours. Would anybody ever give him a break? Would he ever get a chance to pee? Was there any relief from the endless monotony of everyday life?

Elsewhere in this slick midtown cafe, Larry and Polly are telling Piper that they’ve been playing hide the salami… WITH HER HEART. Basically they’ve come to visit her in prison to let her know that they’re in love and want to be together! Neat-o.

Look, I know everybody thought I was a really funny character and they really enjoyed my presence on this show a whole bunch, but I don't see how dating this expired can of mayonaisse has to ruin that!

Look, I know everybody thought I was a really funny character and they really enjoyed my presence on this show a whole bunch, but I don’t see how dating this expired can of mayonnaise has to ruin that!

Holly and Larry would like to keep Piper in their lives! Piper would like them to stop saying “we.” Piper’s like this is really fucked up and you guys are the worst, and Polly’s like “I know but “we didn’t decide to love each other.” This is true. If Polly is really happy being involved with a condiment and Larry is really happy being involved with Polly, then good for them! But Piper doesn’t have to be their friend anymore if she doesn’t want to be, either.

You did WHAT with my under-the-bed restraint system?

You did WHAT with my under-the-bed restraint system?

Elsewhere in these hallowed halls, Pennsatucky accosts Healey — she wants to chat about doing a make-up class for Safe Place, but Healey’s not having it. His pride has been wounded and he’s being a jerk again.

Ok I'm holding the imaginary dog leash, what's next?

Ok I’m holding the imaginary dog leash, what’s next?

But Pennsatucky has some nice words for him just the same, about how she’s doing a lot better now and she thinks it’s because of him:

Pennsatucky: You’re the only person in my whole life who’s ever taken the time to talk to me. And it seems like you’re really good at what you do and you really care. And I will never finger [Big Boo], and I will never let her finger me.

Meanwhile the Ladies of The Kitchen are concocting a special sauce that will fuck Vee’s shit, I believe, because Gloria is the Bo$$.

I do declare that is the best-looking borscht this side of the Borscht Belt

I do declare that is the best-looking borscht this side of the Borscht Belt

Some time or a little bit of time later, Healey’s trying to get a statement from Suzanne, but she doesn’t remember a goshdarn thing, and you can tell his tiny little conscience is peeking its little head up into the surface of his brainspace. She says things and Healey’s like… yeah, nope.

Suzanne: I thought I was mopping in the warehouse, turns out I was clocking in the greenhouse.


don't check your twitter mentions don't check your twitter mentions don't do it suzanne just don't it's never good and you know it

don’t check your twitter mentions don’t check your twitter mentions don’t do it suzanne just don’t it’s never good and you know it

Suzanne says she can’t really trust anybody or her own memory but Healey says she can, and she laughs:

Suzanne: No. No. I’m unreliable. Is Red gonna be okay? I always liked her. She’s… scary but her hair is like the Heat Miser in that Christmas special. Don’t you think? She’s uh… Mrs Green Christmas. She’s Mrs Sun.

This is so sad.

Cut to The Office. Caputo’s glad that Fig is cleaning up her shit to get out of this place but Fig’s way happier than she should be. See, Fig is a sociopath who has decided to dedicate herself to motherhood and politics full-time. She’ll be breaking free with good marks from the warden, who’s looking to eschew scandal in favor of doing something deeply immoral. THE PRISON INDUSTRIAL SYSTEM EVERYBODY!



Parting words:

Fig: Your band sucks.
Caputo: Your blow jobs suck.


Poussey and Taystee are being Mackenzie and Amanda and then they’re discussing my favorite topic, time travel, so basically everything I love is happening at the same time.

I dunno man, I know they're not officially related, but if I were you I would not read "The Gathering Blue" if you've not read "The Giver" yet

I dunno man, I know they’re not officially tied together, but if I were you I would not read “The Gathering Blue” if you’ve not read “The Giver” yet

Watson and Black Cindy have come in peace to acknowledge that Vee is an evil dragon and shit’s gone too far. Now that Vee’s had her shit stolen and Suzanne’s heading to Slammer: The Sequel, everything’s getting dark and it’s time for these women to band together against a common enemy: Vee.

Don't pretend like you didn't want a chair dance now that all your friends have shown up!

Don’t pretend like you didn’t want a chair dance now that all your friends have shown up!

Red says Sister Ingalls has to eat ’cause she tried to tell Healey the truth, even if he wouldn’t take it. Red hands her a muffin and Sister Ingalls basically has an orgasm in her mouth, it’s like a Starburst commercial.


Then Caputo shows up and Sister Ingalls quickly buries the muff, which’s like what you did when your mom caught you making out with your best friend during a “sleepover.” Caputo’s got a muffin of his own and begs her to eat it so that he can show he’s able to resolve conflict because he’s gotta shore up some special powers to keep this job. Also, he cancelled her transfer! But she didn’t know she was being transferred in the first place.

Open your mouth so we can do the airplane!

Now just open your little mouth Sister Ingalls so we can do the airplane!

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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  1. “Watson and Black Cindy finger Suzanne, as instructed, but they don’t seem happy about it.”

    BAHAHAHAHAHA. I am a child.

  2. Okay serious comment about the Fig scene: I know we’re supposed to be like YAY CAPUTO YOU COERCED A WOMAN INTO AN UNWANTED SEXUAL ACT WITH YOU but I have a huge problem with that scene. It just made me really uncomfortable- anyone else?

    • Fig makes my skin crawl, but Caputo *blackmails* her into giving him a blow job. That’s indisputably a sexual assault scene — and an incredibly graphic one, at that. Can we recognize this scene as an opportunity to unpack how rape & the threat of rape are used to punish and control women (even evil women characters)? I want to see Fig get her just desserts too, but I find the Mean Girls’ quote as a response to a (undeniably repulsive) character’s sexual assault disconcerting, y’all.

      • Yeah, that was defiantly blackmail and assault. Caputo knew that she was only making the offer in exchange for his silence.

    • That scene upsets me a lot too. I get a really gross message out of it; a woman in power can be easily degraded into a (rightful?) position that makes her submissive to a man. Caputo gets to show he has all the power by sexually humiliating Fig. I have trouble with this whole situation.

      Now, I’m sure that Caputo won’t be able to handle the prison bureaucracy any better than Fig and he’ll inevitably screw up – probably worse than Fig ever did. But I doubt Caputo will have to give his successor a BJ. If the tone of the scene had been different, it could have been an interesting comment on complicities of sexism and power. But as it is, we’re supposed to celebrate with Caputo and that’s just unsettling.

      • Also think it is especially unsettling not only because the direction does seem to see it as a moment of celebration for Caputo rather than further making him out to be disgusting, but it also means that all of Figs major humiliations are sexual in nature. She gets off for embezzlement and looks like she will continue to play the dutiful wife role to see her husband win office. She even gets a clean record and can resign instead of be fired. All of her narrative “retribution” or “comeuppance” is around the husband she has endangered her career for cheating on her with a guy and her being tricked into giving Caputo a blowjob.

    • I was so unbelievably uncomfortable with it. I scrolled through the comments specifically to see if anyone else was. I mean, she was awful, but she was so ridiculously vulnerable in that moment and he took advantage of that and then laughed at her despair. Plus, consensual sex is all about consent and she while she may have consented to a sex act with him to keep those files safe (problematic enough as it was) that was not his intent so he withheld information which negated her consent making that sex act non-consensual and therefore an act of rape. Pretty effing disgusting all around. Plus, just the idea of him getting off on that sad sad desperate and seemingly helpless human being, was disgusting and very disturbing.

    • Yeah I really hate feeling like me as the viewer is complicit in this. I felt like they were trying to manipulate us into rooting for Caputo in this moment.

  3. Man, can we do series where we replace mark wahlberg’s face with our queer fan girl idols? Or just get Soso a nice button down?

  4. Is that an Empire Records reference in an OITNB recap? I’m not sure my brain is able to process that much joy!

  5. I loved Red and Sister Ingalls this episode, with their sex talk and sandwich toasting. That was a great thing to see on TV.

    Also, I really want to see more of Maria and Yadriel and their baby next season. Their scene in this episode was beautiful.

  6. This season had some things that worked for me, most of all being the show finally wising up (as Pretty Little Liars never has with Ezra) to the fact that Bennett is an abusive asshole. I really enjoyed the way his portrayal this season (threatening some of the incarcerated women, tearing the bunks apart, etc.) gave some perspective on the ways in which his sexual and romantic relationship with Daya isn’t OK just because “I love her” and in fact bears some striking similarities to Pornstache’s sexual relationships with some of the incarcerated women. Also everyone realizing what an annoying person Piper is and treating her accordingly.

    Things that didn’t work for me: the “ultimate villain” and one of the only characters who isn’t even slightly humanized (hell, even Pornstache got more sympathy in his scenes moping over true love with Bennett) as a woman of color and a person who is incarcerated. People recognize that Fig, Caputo, Healy, etc. are not really good people but they still have traits one can relate to; by the end, Vee was just a cartoon. Even her care for Taystee and RJ was completely invalidated. And on that note, the end of this season was a fucking cartoon period. People have already pointed out that Moretti being allowed to drive when she’s incarcerated for attempted murder is ridiculous; turning the car over to Miss Rosa so she can drive off into the sunset and on the way, take someone out, reads like the end of a comedic movie. If Orange is the New Black is looking to go full-on comedy, it’s the showrunners’ and writers’ prerogative to do so, but it’s a shame to think of the potential wasted (and the ways in which the dramatic abilities of the actors will be wasted). It turned me off completely. As much as I love ladies fucking, this season also spent so much on that at the expense of other storylines highlighting the complexities and inequities of the prison-industrial complex that by the end I was tired of that too.

    tl;dr While I followed this season’s arc hopefully, I’m really hesitant to invest in Season 3 given how this season ended.

    • I don’t think Morello is supposed to be in for attempted murder given the length of her sentence and that it is minimum security, especially as it involved an attempt at a bomb. I think she may be doing these 3 years for the mail fraud. In some minimum security prisons inmates do do a lot of work, so her being allowed to drive while supervised if she is a non-violent offender (for this sentence at least) makes sense. Given the courtroom scene of her flashback, Christopher may have been a character witness against her.

      As for Vee, I get why some people may feel it is problematic because she is shown as being a predator not seeking redemption. However, I also think it is a great portrayal of how much of a predator some people can be, and how they can draw vulnerable people in. She just doesn’t have the protections that privilege often offers. But she is a bad person who preys on people, and I think it is okay to portray her as such. The things she do, including selling heroin, harms people and communities. She is a standard ruthless bussinessperson who puts profit and power before all else. I think it would have been interesting for someone to comment on her being in prison but a representative from Phillip Morris being brought in as a special guest.

      • uugggh, *Morello, I fail at getting characters’ names right even when they are right in front of me. I like the suggestion you make about having someone comment on her presence but the Phillip Morris representative brought in as a special guest. And people like Vee do exist – it’s less the presence of her character that I have a problem with and more the fact that none of the characters in positions of greater power in the PIC are similarly portrayed.

        Your comments about Morelli’s sentence make a lot more sense in the context of the prison world. I can’t remember from what they showed of her trial this season if it’s just Christopher who stands up talking about the bomb or if it’s the judge in the sentencing. On the other hand, Miss Claudette sure appeared to be in for murder based on how her story was presented, so it doesn’t seem like the internal universe has good consistency. I’m confused about that.

        • I get the impression Miss Claudette was in max security for a number of years and got down graded to minimum for good behaviour, so maybe not quite the same as Morello being allowed to drive?

          It’s been a while since I watched it now and I can’t remember the finer details so well.

  7. 1. I still think Soso’s backstory is going to be Morello-level out of left field.
    2. I have always thought of Maria’s Silent Partner as one of my favorite characters. I mean, they are shown as the most faithful visitor, and they’re obviously a good listener. Also, I think the actor really showed their chops when they first found out about the transfer and were struggling not to cry while Maria talked to their baby.
    3. O’Neill is full of so much win this episode, just so much win.
    4. Doggett’s speech to Healey was a real heartstrings puller for me.
    5. I found the ending a bit over the top, and given this show expect to have season three open with Vee alive, Ford fired, and Morello in SHU or at the very least with any liberties she might have restricted.

    • I agree I think that Soso is hiding something and I really enjoy Maria and her boyfriend Yadriel’s relationship. I just hope next season we get to see more of the Hispanic women’s backstories. I’d love to know how Maritza and Flaca met or just more of them in general ( which is partially due to my huge crush on Diane Guerrero)or more moments with Daya and Aledia. I have a feeling that the rules are going to get stricter in season 3 which is going to result in a riot. I mean that riot gear was foreshadowing something.

  8. Loved this episode! The season as a whole wasn’t as good as season one for me mostly due to the lack of Alex and the Alex/Piper relationship which was what really kept me glued to the screen in the first season. So I was thrilled to see Alex will be back on her way to jail for season 3 and the visiting scene was absolutely heartwrenching. I think I literally squealed with joy when it was revealed Piper had saved all of Alex’s letters lol.

    This last episode and that last scene was everything though. The middle episodes were really slow for me but the last few really ramped up the action and ended the season on a great note. Can’t wait for season 3!

  9. You know Piper trying to sabotage Alex’s probation reminds me of when Miss Claudette stopped Trisha from planting drugs in Mercy’s cell. I will say one critique I have of this season is that I wish that there was a bit more foreshadowing in season one about Vee’s role. Maybe I’m being a bit nitpicky but certain things felt a bit rushed like “bam Taystee has an evil foster mother” or “bam Poussey is in love with Taystee” I also felt that the tone could’ve been handled a bit better. I mean the show goes from being a pretty campy show with dark moments to just a dark show. Vee is an evil villain but we don’t really know how she got to become so horrible to begin with and I had no idea that Taystee had a “foster” mother. Her role with Taystee makes sense and is interesting but I wish that she had gave us some hint about it in season one. Miss Rosa really shined this season though as well as Gloria and Poussey.

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