Whitney’s Team Pick:
Tired of Rick Perry and his Brokeback Mountain jacket? Or Rick Santorum and his never-ending collection of sweater vests? Or just tired of crazy anti-gay presidential candidates? You might want to check out Vermin Supreme, a presidential hopeful, performance artist and Dumbledore lookalike who rocks the rubber-boot-on-the-head and the neon-yellow zebra-print blazer. And he gets mega bonus points for glitter-bombing racist and anti-gay crazy Randall Terry at a recent New Hampshire debate for Democratic and Republican fringe candidates.
I’m not even sure where to start here. Why should you pull for candidate Vermin Love Supreme? His presidential platform begins with his proposed mandatory tooth-brushing law:
Some people will tell you that this mandatory brushing law is about the secret dental police kicking down your door at 3am to make sure you’ve brushed. Friends, it is not … It’s not about the government-issued toothpaste containing an addictive yet harmless substance. No friends, it is not even about DNA gene splicing to create a race of winged monkeys to act as tooth fairies. What this mandatory tooth brushing law is about is strong teeth for a strong America.
Not to mention his government entitlement program, in which all Americans get free ponies:
My free pony platform is of course a jobs creation program — it will create lots and lots of jobs once we switch over to pony-based economy, we will also lower our dependence on foreign oil … And of course the important thing to realize is that it is a federal pony identification program where you will need your pony with you at all times.
And finally, he’s a huge proponent of a clean energy production program that harnesses “the awesome power of zombies”:
We have giant turbines we are working on, and we have lots of zombies. And we’ll just dangle brains in front of them and they will turn the giant turbines, creating energy to lessen the dependence on foreign oil that we have in America today.
Other things Supreme will promote if elected president include time travel research funding (so that we can go back in time and kill Hitler) and flying monkey public safety assurance (so that the spliced monkeys can be safe doing their tooth fairy duties, I guess). Supreme’s official website, a hot pink site with design that has been charmingly frozen in the mid ‘90s, also cites him as “the only bona-fide American Presidential Candidate to actually donate a living organ.”
Beneath all of this crazy talk is another message, though — yes, Supreme sounds nuts, but does he sound any less nuts than Perry talking about the rights of LGBT soldiers in his “Strongwp_postsad? Or Santorum blaming the economic crisis on gay people and their “moral failings”? Supreme may seem crazy, but everything he says sounds less crazy than Perry and Santorum’s anti-gay schtick. Maybe it’s because the really scary thing here isn’t federal toothbrush laws and zombie-turbine power — it’s actual politicians spewing crazy homophobic talk about America’s gay citizens on the road to presidential candidacy.
Supreme’s message gets incredibly self-aware, too, on a Stephen Colbert-esque level, when he discusses his own agenda. The message he’s sending becomes more about his fellow presidential candidates than about himself, the boot- and zebra-print-wearing politician:
My name is Vermin Supreme. I am a friendly fascist. I am a tyrant that you should trust and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you. Yes, I am a politician. I will promise you anything your little electorate heart desires because you are my constituents. You are the informed voting public. And because I have no intention of keeping any promise that I make, vote early, vote often and remember: A vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.
You can view Supreme speaking in the C-SPAN-covered New Hampshire debate below, followed by an excellent 30-second closing statement that consists of Supreme singing “My name is Vermin” to “The Chicken Dance” song and then repeatedly glitter bombing Terry. Pretty awesome.