Make a Trans Woman Smile on TDoR By Buying Her a Pizza Online

feature image via shutterstock

This Sunday, November 20th, is Transgender Day of Remembrance, the day each year we take stock of all the trans people who have been murdered in the previous year and we memorialize and remember them. We’ll be publishing a more solemn post addressing the day on the 20th, but we also want to offer all people who aren’t dmab trans people a chance to let dmab trans people (who are by far the most targeted group in anti-trans murders) know that there are people who care about them. We’re offering a platform through which you can buy a trans woman or other dmab trans person a small pizza of their choice from their favorite pizza place and delivered to their house on Sunday. While this isn’t going to solve all the problems trans women face, it will be a nice way to comfort some of us on a day that reminds us how hard we have it.

Last year, someone did something like this in the Unofficial Autostraddle Facebook Group (thank you to whoever organized that), and this year we’d like to make it a little more official. Note: Since publishing this article we’ve found out it was Astrid Tanner, so thank you very much to to her for coming up with this idea and doing it last year.

In the United States, at least 23 trans people have been murdered this year, and at least 21 of them have been trans women. Most of them are trans women of color, most are Black trans women, and most are trans women who sleep with men. Across the globe, it’s the same thing. Trans women of color and trans people of color who were designated male at birth are by far the majority of the trans people who are being murdered. As trans women, we often feel like the whole world is against us, and TDoR is evidence of that. Buying a trans woman a pizza is a small token of kindness on this dark day.

If you are a trans woman or dmab trans person, here’s a google form for you to fill out in order to get your pizza. This form is safe for you, and we won’t share this information with anyone. You can even order gluten free or vegan pizza. If you’re lactose intolerant, you can link to a different place that delivers a food that fits your dietary restrictions, and in the “type of pizza” section explain what food you’d like, but please keep it about the same price as a pizza. This fund is first come first serve, and we’re incredibly sorry if not everyone gets a pizza.

If you’d like to donate to the pizza fund, please use Square Cash using the tag $pizza4tdor. If you don’t want to use that app, you can use PayPal and send it to Alaina. If you can donate $20-$30 that would be amazing, but any amount helps. When you donate, it will say the funds are going to Anna, that’s us, don’t worry. Thank you.

Mey Valdivia Rude is a bisexual Latina trans woman living in Los Angeles. She's a writer, comic consultant and a trans activist. She's a bruja, a femme, a pop princess and she loves comic books, witches, dinosaurs and crying. She has a cat named Sawyer and a very successful twitter.

Mey has written 574 articles for us.

88 Comments

  1. Last year I saw the post about this in the unofficial Autostraddle fb group and got very fixated on participating. I sent a trans woman in Philadelphia a pizza and it became sort of an ordeal when the delivery guy started calling me and asking where I was (oh just 700 miles away) and who the pizza was for (oh just a stranger on the internet) in the few minutes before the pizza recipient got back to her apartment. Fortunately we got it all ironed out and she got her pizza!

    Later that evening I couldn’t stop crying thinking about the day itself and the reason why I was so hung up on sending that pizza. Eventually I worked up the nerve to admit to myself that this is because I am trans too. That was truly the day my journey began. Today I am nearly 4 months post-op from top surgery and 1 month on T.

    Thanks again to whoever started this thread on fb last year, as well to Mey for continuing the tradition this year. Any comfort we can offer to dmab trans people on this day, and every day, is worth doing.

  2. I have never used square cash before, so I just want to make sure you all get my donation! Is there anyway to confirm that? I used the cash tag in the article, and it says it was sent to Anna. Thank you for doing this! ❤

  3. I do not have $$ for my own pizza. 🙁

    Wish I had all of the $$ for shelters and initiatives to feed and provide medical care to the most vulnerable. Not just emergency care, preventive care and hormones or blockers for the underage teens.

  4. This is such a beautiful idea! I wish I would be home on Sunday in order to participate. Even so, it warms my heart that there’s such consciousness and gratitude among our community here. That means more than ever right now <3

  5. this was my idea originally and i do not support this post at all. i was not contacted nor credited for this and the post completely misses the point. when i posted the original thread it was when i was the most suicidally depressed i had ever been. i was tired of seeing cis people publicly mourning dead trans women while not giving a shit about the trans women in their communities. it was actually the day AFTER tdor that i did this because it was a response to tdor and not a celebration of it. the whole point was that it was literally the absolute least you could do and wasn’t gonna change anybody’s life but at least it was better than cis tears. it was an attack on ally theater and i even posted in the original thread that i would mail anyone who sent a pizza an official trans woman ally badge. this post has nothing to do with the original idea that was stolen from me. it’s infuriating that a site that ignores the actual concerns of trans women (like, say, maybe don’t idolize transmisogynist kate mckinnon so much or maybe don’t focus on men so much on your self described lesbian website) would steal and defang an idea to be the exact thing that the post was mocking.

    p.s. i’ll have pepperoni and bell peppers on my pizza, thanks

    • Well, those are some interesting concerns. If you were the one who organized this last year in the Unofficial AS Facebook group, then you were actually thanked in the article!

      Nothing was stolen from you and certainly AS does NOT ignore the actual concerns of trans women. The writer of this article is a trans woman and she does a great deal of hard work for trans women’s rights.

      AS is NOT a self-described lesbian website. It is a site for queer women. I don’t know how you think AS focuses on men when it doesn’t, but even if they did post the odd article here and there it would be nice for the bisexual and pansexual queer women readers!

      • there’s room for people with the same marginalization to have different opinions on what should be done, but if it was astrid’s idea originally, and she can point to the source, that matters, and another person shouldn’t take that idea and change the tone completely without acknowledging where it originated and what’s changed.

        also, the idea that the angrier party is always wrong needs to go die in a fucking fire

        • And yet Mey did acknowledge where it came from, something you both seem to be overlooking. If the tone has changed it was not done so deliberately. No one said people can’t be angry, but we should also be angry over facts. Being angry over things that aren’t true is how Donald Trump got elected. Saying things like AS doesn’t care about the actual concerns of trans women or that AS “focuses on men” are both patently false. There is no justification for such anger or for defending the person who is egregiously in error.

          • Huh. So I get that you want to defend a site and writers you admire and respect, but wow is this not the greatest way to do that! If it was originally Astrid’s idea as she described it, then simply acknowledging where it came from is still disingenuous because the source may be noted, but the original intent is not mentioned in the article in any way, which is a serious problem. It like changing blacklivesmatter to alllivesmatter, intent is important, as is a critique of allyship which is what Astrid’s idea as she described seemed to be doing.

            To your Donald Trump point, no. Trump won for a long list of reasons, none of which have anything to do with this article, the comments, this website, sending pizza or Astrid and to claim otherwise is just pulling on heartstrings in a manipulative way to try to prove a point. Astrid may have been the first person in the thread to say AS doesn’t care about trans people, but her comment has been gaining “thumbs ups” since it was posted so to dismiss it outright as false is not helpful in anyway. We should be listening to those who say they don’t feel safe or supported in a space that was designed for safety, community and support and if you have a different opinion, cool! Share! But don’t silence people and recognize your opinion and experience is just that, yours. Others have the right, or in this case as AS seems to be a good place for you, the misfortune, to not share it and if we are trying to be a supportive, wonderful space, they also have the right to be heard and considered (and considered doesn’t mean having to be agreed with).

          • “Being angry over things that aren’t true is how Donald Trump got elected.”

            This is where you made it pretty clear that you don’t really have any trustworthiness or value to add here. Jfc, that’s incredible out of touch and hostile.

          • Well, I’m sorry you feel that way Nik, because Astrid posted some pretty hostile and false things and that’s not okay! Nor is it okay for everyone to defend her and ignore those things!

            Saying that this site ignores the issues of trans women, focuses on men, and is a “lesbian” site are all patently untrue! Not to mention biphobic. It’s extremely hostile to erase the existence of other queer women and gender non-conforming people. Just because you’re sympathetic to Astrid doesn’t justify how people are ignoring or accepting ALL of what she said.

            Yes, I will dismiss those things as false. Yes, getting upset about things like that which aren’t true (and which are lies/false/hostile) is how Donald Trump got elected.

            I gladly welcome Astrid’s right to a safe place in this community, but not at the expense of others as she seems to feel is her entitlement. This is a safe place for ALL queer women and gender-noncomforming peeps. I will not allow “opinion” at the expense of fact. That’s not how things work.

            As for you Josephine, you don’t have to trust me, but you’re the one being hostile and so is Astrid. To accuse me of hostility for correcting lies/falsehoods is incredibly hostile and dishonest.

          • Now, that being said, if Astrid can verify the idea was really hers then absolutely AS should listen, communicate with her, and apologize (and that’s between her and AS, not me)! None of that changes the fact that Astrid said OTHER things that aren’t true and were even discriminatory themselves… and people’s refusal to accept that while defending her across the board is deeply disturbing.

          • You’re still equating your opinion with fact. Recognize that. I NEVER said anything about what she said about AS being a lesbian site or her point about it catering to men so debating those points with me doesn’t make any sense besides you trying to be right about something I never defended. What I stated, which you still haven’t addressed, is that she raised a point about trans women not being respected and her original intent in the post having been ignored/twisted by AS. That hasn’t been addressed by you. Instead you’re holding onto your opinion being fact and being extremely aggressive, condescending and inappropriate about it and ignoring key facts of arguments. You’re not sympathetic to Astrid, cool, but you’re dismissing ALL of what she said because of it when she has valid points that I and others have addressed and that you continue to ignore, yet still respond to us.

            You can say its a safe space, but that doesn’t actually make it a safe space. A safe space has to be earned and worked towards and dismissing an entire comment because you don’t agree with it is not how that works because what you’re really saying is this is a safe space for people that agree with you and everyone else can bugger off.

            Donald Trump has nothing to do with this. Its disappointing that you’re incorrectly simplifying a very complex election and using it as an attack tactic especially when it has absolutely nothing to do with Astrid or her point. Except, maybe, what happens when members of the democratic party patronizingly and aggressively ignore the complaints of large portions of the base because they think they have the moral high ground.

          • It actually HAS been addressed by me (and others), but you’re welcome to disagree, Nik. You’re right… you didn’t acknowledge the errors Astrid made… yet that was the entire basis of my calling her out. So what’s your point? You agree with me that AS should communicate with her and you disagree with the erroneous statements Astrid made? Or are you refusing to clarify your position on her erroneous statements? Does it not matter that she said hurtful, discriminatory, or false things?

            So you’re ignoring what I’ve addressed, then you blatantly accuse me of not addressing what I’ve addressed, you side-step the offensive statements Astrid made, while accusing me of being aggressive and condescending (which is how I’m interpreting YOUR words).

            If you want to legitimately have a conversation that’s fine. Let me know when you do. In the meantime I’m done!

          • You’ve shown yourself throughout this to be impossible to debate with and quick to claim “hostility” if someone presents facts to you that don’t suit your argument. My point has been clear since my first post, second sentence. I originally responded to the second comment of yours where you brought up an irrelevant, manipulative point of Donald Trump and dismissed the author of any wrong doing, which was not your place anyway, and then you proceeded to get increasingly condescending as the conversation went on.

            I didn’t address Astrid’s other claims because I did not agree with them and they weren’t relevant to my point, a point, btw, which arose from disagreeing with your second comment and which I clearly stated multiple times. You’ve attempted to point the finger here so I’ll say this: if what she said hurt you, that’s understandable and unfortunate, it does not, however, justify or excuse the level of aggression in your response to people that weren’t her or that tried to address parts of her comment that may be true and that may be making AS not as safe a place it could be for other trans women. I’ve been saying “may” and “if” since the beginning because I do not know fully how they wish AS to be more trans-inclusive or about the McKinnon problem, but I do know that your responses make it so we will never know because you’ve dismissed them as “patently false” because they’re of a different opinion than yours and that’s not how a conversation starts and that’s not how someone who is truly interested in a conversation speaks.

          • And Nik, to be less passive-aggressive, I don’t know if you’re deliberately gaslighting me or if you’ve completely misread my posts, but I was calling Astrid out on her inappropriate comments and repeated that if she’s able to prove her claims, that AS should absolutely talk to her. There’s ways to get her point and message across without making prejudiced and untrue statements. Allegedly, you agree with me across the board… yet you besmirch me and keep this “conversation” going.

            Mey IS a TWOC and she does a GREAT DEAL of work on this site for trans women and I very politely told Astrid off and called her out on her inappropriate remarks.

            I don’t know why you and another chose to make more personal remarks toward me, but that’s why I got more defensive. I’ll let you have the last word, but you’ve given me no indication that I should continue speaking to you. Have a good day!

          • So now disagreeing with you, your hostile tone and inappropriate comments is gaslighting you? Wow! I’m not sure why you think you can say these false, rude things without being called out, but if you have to pretend to have the upper hand and act holier than thou to take it in, then by all means, continue. If all you can do is namecall instead of holding yourself accountable, then please, do not continue speaking with me.

            (Btw, to write that you’re letting someone have the last word after you’ve written three paragraphs full of passive aggressive language kind of defeats the purpose of pretending to be above it all). I’m tapping out.

      • I get the desire to defend Autostraddle, but as the poster above, I get a little alarmed at the tendency to dismiss or overlook any criticisms of posts or ideas by others, without really listening.

        Readers of this website are not homogenous in their opinions, expressions, support for and wish for growth from Autostraddle and thank goodness for that.

        And I think if this was Astrid’s idea originally and it has been re-appropriated in a way different from the original intentions, then we should be listening.

    • Also, Astrid, please don’t make me go through all of the posts this year about TWoC so I can call you out about how you literally only care about Autostraddle when they’re not catering to your white ass feelings because I CAN AND WILL DO IT. You never have anything to say when Autostraddle is actually doing the work, you just pop up and yell at people when it suits you. Which is like, the epitome of white privilege and why I will never, ever, ever, trust a white person, even a white trans woman, because that race privilege is shining just a BRIGHTLY as ever.

      • Astrid is a TWOC, so maybe don’t just jump on her as a white asshole without having any knowledge of her race.

        You could jump on AS for using TWOC as another way to benefit their predominantly white audience by making this post in the first place. If they are so concerned about TWOC then why aren’t they making this pizza day they stole from a TWOC only about TWOC?

        • cool cool cool.

          jsyk–me: a black trans person (although, not a trans woman, for transparency’s sake) who has felt attacked as HELL by her so often that my ass had to come on here anonymously to say the things i wanted to say. but please, call me white if it makes you feel better and/or makes you feel like your argument is any stronger. ???

          • Literally no one called you white but you called Astrid white when she’s poc. All I’m saying is don’t got at her for being a white asshole when she isn’t.

          • I said you jumped on her as a white asshole, meaning you accused her of being a white asshole when she isn’t white.

    • I just wanna say that while I understand you might be angry that your idea has been “defanged”, and a constructive conversation might come from talking about this “defanging” and the original intentions of your idea, I don’t think it’s accurate to say that AS ignores the actual concerns of trans women. Mey does a lot of emotional labour in keeping us updated about trans issues, including updates on murdered trans people, and I think she deserves thanks and credit for this difficult work.

      Sure, you might think that it’s not enough, but it’s a lean team and as far as I know, mey is largely in charge of the trans stuff. Maybe you’d like to pitch some ideas to AS for the material you want to see written?

      And honestly I can’t think of any posts that focused on men, except trans men. I’ve read practically all the AS articles from the start, so maybe I missed something?

      • Uh, articles on trans men are articles about men, and a lot of communities for queer women have problems with featuring trans men while ignoring trans women/AMAB trans people in general, which is a problem in spaces that are supposedly inclusive for all women. I think that’s a totally relevant criticism.

        • Maybe I missed something but the most recent AS article I can find about trans men was over a year ago, and it was more broadly about the media being exploitative of trans people although the particular article was about a trans man’s experience. Has AS fucked up before? Yes. But in my opinion they have made a concerted and continued effort to improve based on reader feedback and people calling them out. So, I hope that if they did truly “steal” this idea from Astrid and change the tone without talking to her, AS will take note of that, apologize, and improve. But when there are ~ weekly articles on trans women and zero in the past year on trans men, I find it difficult to see how AS “focuses on men”

          • I’m thinking that the misunderstanding may be resulting from articles by and for masculine AFAB (such as butches and bois) being perceived as articles about men, even if the guest does not necessarily identify as such? That’s the only explanation I can come up with, if I remember correctly I think I’ve seen the “trans men” criticisms come up on articles such as these.

          • You might be right, Brit. What bothers me about people saying that is that their comments are inherently trans and queerphobic. It’s NOT okay and it really, really bothers me. It bothers me just as much when people try to insist this is a “lesbian site”.

            That sort of language and thinking is terribly prejudiced and exclusive. 🙁

        • Where the hell does that happen? As a trans man I often feel completely ignored and invisible to the queer community. Nobody talks about all the trans men with their deadnames on their tombstones do they? I see a plethora of information and articles on trans women and non-binary people but the only time I see articles about trans men is when lesbians are sexualising them.

    • I’m not disputing ally theater bullshit that happens every year and oh hell all year round or trying to tell you not feel what you feel.

      AS has done pieces on telling us to put our money where our mouth is and why

      24 Actions You NEED to Take to Help Trans Women of Color Survive

      Remembering Us When We’re Gone, Ignoring Us While We’re Here: Trans Women Deserve More

      Surviving or Thriving: How Economic (In)Justice Matters for LGBT People

      Pay Us Some Mind: On the “Tragic” Humanity of Black Trans Women

      I remember these because “grieving” for the dead feels useless to me, remembering that they lived and others still live is more important.

      “Remember the dead, fight like hell for the living”

  6. I just want to ask just in case, I’m a trans woman and I live with two other trans women; is it okay for more than one of us to fill out a request? We are not exactly flush with cash and our weekly food budget isn’t extensive, and a couple free pizzas on TDoR would really mean a lot.

  7. This is really heart-warming but personally, I’d really rather my pizza be given to someone who’s living on the streets. I’m not wanting for food or money (I’m lucky in that regard.) and there’s nobody who delivers pizza out here in the sticks anyway, so I’d rather that at least one person doesn’t have to go hungry today.

  8. I’ve never commented on AS before, so here’s as good a place as any to start. This is a lovely idea – it’s not going to solve all of the world’s problems, but nor is it meant to. It’s just a nice way to do something nice for a stranger and I think that’s great. (And not only because I might get a pizza from it.) Thank you.

    Also, to people above accusing AS of focusing on men – I don’t get it, at all! There is literally no other magazine site where I feel welcome, where the articles are for me and about me, where I don’t feel completely out of place. Autostraddle is meant to be for all women and I think it manages that fantastically.

  9. I’m glad I have the extra cash to donate a little bit to hopefully bring someone a little brightness tomorrow, on such a somber day. I’m also glad that you all are using a funds transfer option that is NOT PayPal. Peter Thiel is a shitstain Trump puppet, and we absolutely should not be giving him any of our money.

  10. I told my partner about this awesome idea just as she was waking up next to me this morning.

    she smiled a very sleepy smile and said, “all i need is your love, but i will also take a pizza” 😀

      • Ok I’m not the only trans woman in this thread who was unsure where dinner is coming from last night and while this seems to be a great idea it is really painful to have your hopes raised Again and then nothing. it could have been nice but instead it is one small injury on top of all the pain and trauma this day brings for so many of us who are at risk

  11. You know, I’ve been a caregiver at jobs where we were horribly underpaid. I’ve had managers buy us pizza and some co-workers figuratively throw it back in their faces. No, a pizza didn’t solve the injustice of low wages or lack of insurance or the constant staffing shortages, but it was within the manager’s power to spend their own money to let us know that at least they valued and appreciated us.

    It didn’t change that the company itself needed drastic, systemic improvements to things, but it was a way to know at least one extra person understood and cared… and I have always appreciated it.

    Sometimes a simple, personal, human connection and act of kindness is more important than anything else. It doesn’t mean the bigger picture doesn’t matter or that allies of any kind are off the hook, but it’s nice to know when someone cares enough about you as a person to treat you to a nice meal.

  12. Yeah I second Max’S question. I totally understand you can’t give pizza to everyone but when will we know whether or not we’ll get some? Thanks! 🙂 really cool stuff!

  13. jesus f. christ, that whole nasty argument is so fucked up. couldn’t have waited until TDoR ended, apparently. this was a sweet idea and mey does heroic work. issues can be raised in a civil and mutually respectful way that allows for dialogue. maybe next year?

    this site is my safe place online. I started my transition in 1995, had to pause it in 2001, one of the reasons being that, even if all my friends and even women I didn’t know all supported me joining the karate school, it only took a couple of terfs to fuck it all up for me. I thought it was safe. But I was so damned scared of exactly that.

    That was 2000, when “radical feminists” (i.e., terfs) who said we were monsters still controlled the ideological discourse. We didn’t even have a term for them then. and goddammit to hell if you weren’t there, pissed-off trans sisters (see wall of text above), you have no fucking idea how bad it was. No. Fucking. Idea.

    Shit.

    Other things played a rôle in my involuntary pause then, and I always hoped I’d be back. When it seemed safe. Which I thought would be never. I found straddle last year & looked all over it to see how many terfs there were. i found a really long thread from a couple of years ago, arguments about exactly this.

    It seemed to me they were outnumbered, but I had to be sure. I counted how many people were terfs, and how many weren’t. kinda tricky listing screen names, but I have proofreading superpowers. it still took a couple of hours but I finally stopped when the number of anti-terf posters passed 125, and the list of terfs was around 25, a little less. the strength with which these women fought back was so encouraging for me, and a lot of the terfs seemed to have deactivated since then. I just kept reading.

    And I decided I was safe here. That apparently it wasn’t cool anymore for queers to hate trans folks, although not everyone seems aware of that yet. Autostraddle is a big part of why I resumed my transition last May, & resumed hormone treatment on June 28th. My wife calls it my birthday.

    Won’t go into ptsd details but between that & empty nest syndrome–our son went to college in 2015, and we moved him into his dorm room, then we were both sobbing all the way to our friends’ house in Boston. Then I went and cried in the bedroom for 4 hours. It hurt like hell. My wife’s a teacher, I’m not, so I was the go-to mom for emergencies and everything. 18 years, all those PBJs, all that homework, then boom. Now what?

    I ignored trans or lesbian stuff, mostly, for 15 years. If i couldn’t have it, I didn’t want to know. Then I started working my way back last year, because I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. I started looking online again, & found Autostraddle.

    Trans allies, jeez, we didn’t have that term either. in fact we didn’t have Transgender Month, or Trans Awareness Week. Hell, I just found out there *was* such a thing on Friday! I couldn’t have survived 11/8 if it hadn’t been for this site and my friends on Facepalm. Tonight I finally read Mey’s article, then I see all this needless arguing–from a trans woman! When I saw that an argument had started I thought there were terfs attacking. Would you start an argument at a funeral? It’s like Brianna said, re this community and needless, pointless arguments over, jesus, anything. Even a pizza.

    Ok, I’m done. Goodnight, everyone.

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