Feature image by Ethan Miller/Getty Image and Madonna/TikTok
I’ve gotta be honest with you, friends: I love this new trend where very famous people on TikTok do normal household things with a little soundtrack and a note that says if they do it wrong, they’re gay. Like how Shay Mitchell fell on that green velvet couch because she’s bisexual. Or just yesterday when a pink-haired Madonna posted a video of her in — hmm, what would you call this? Like twenty necklaces and the kind of linen corset situation someone would wear beneath their armor?
Anyway so she’s wearing that, while standing in this very expensive bathroom, and the caption reads, “If I miss, I’m gay.” She bunches up some flamingo pink underoos and half-heartedly tosses them at the trash can — and she misses, by like four feet. Afterward, she kinda does this queenly vampire shrug and saunters off. I should note that this video is shot and edited from multiple angles and lit up with actual camera lights and not just the gold and diamond chandelier lights like what’s hanging in her bathroom. She really put some thought into this! See for yourself!
Rumors about Madonna’s sexuality have been swirling since basically the moment she became Madonna. I remember whizzing around Skate County in 1986, jammin’ to some “Papa Don’t Preach” and overhearing the cool kids talking about how Madonna “swings both ways if you know what I mean.” (I did not know what they meant; I thought they were talking about her being a literal switch hitter at softball, which only impressed me more.) Then, in 2003, she kissed Brittney full on the mouth, with tongue, at the VMAs. I’m not sure what influence that had on Madonna’s sexuality, but it sure did make me perk up and pay attention. She kinda faked kissing Taylor Swift at the 2015 iHeartRadio Music Awards. She kissed Nicki Minaj backstage at the 2018 VMAs. She’s been around the block doing some public sapphic smooching, is what I am saying. She’s also always been a huge advocate for LGBTQ+ rights.
I did not have Madonna comes out on TikTok by throwing underwear at a basketball hoop on my Sapphic Mad Libs Bingo card today, but I don’t mind being surprised! Now, if I could please get my Rosie/Madonna dream interview!
UPDATE: Autostraddle co-founder, CFO, and Ultimate Lesbian Historian Riese Bernard just let me know about this video of Sandra Bernhard and Madonna from 1988, on The Late Show With David Letterman, talking about their, um, relationship. I have no memory of this! What an excellent piece of herstory! THE JORTS ALONE!