I just have to come out and say it: Lick This App is a mobile oral sex teaching app. It will get you uncomfortably close to your phone.
Our first lesson was rough. I just saw my phone as a utility, occasionally a friend. But the Lick This App gave us an opportunity to grow closer — my phone wanted to teach me how to get better at oral sex! This was a new step of mobile intimacy.
First, I asked my Siri app, “What would you do if I licked my phone?” And for some reason, this is what she pulled up. I’m not sure this is a good sign.
Go home, Siri. You’re drunk.
Before I started lapping at my phone screen with reckless abandon, these fears and questions slipped through my mind:
- Will my OS become emotionally attached to me, like in the movie “Her?”
- What if a friend or family member calls me while I’m practicing oral sex with my phone and kills the mood?
- What if I accidentally button-mash into a FaceTime call and someone gets a screen full of my face vigorously licking my phone?
- Will my warranty cover this? How do I explain this to the Genius Bar?
- Can I submit fanfic about this to Amazon Worlds?
- Phones are dirtier than toilet seats.
If you’re worried about any of the above, you’ll probably want to switch on Airplane Mode and/or invest in plastic wrap.
Poor Joaquin’s face got stuck after using the Lick This App.
But I soldiered on! Determined to try this out, I loaded up the web app in my mobile Safari browser by visiting lickthisapp.com. I was greeted by this screen:
Wait. Am I going to lick you? Or are you going to lick me? Should we discuss our roles?
There are three exercises that are supposed to help you work out your tongue. I was expecting something racy, but the mini-games were anything but. They helped put me at ease.
I started with this game. You gotta swipe your tongue up and down over this non-threatening light switch. After a few seconds, I realized that my nose had swiped over the screen, pulling down the Notification Center. Or I’d lick up, and the Control Center would pop up! Damnit iOS 7, you’re preventing me from earning Authentic Lesbian Points!
I wonder if I’d be any better at licking a real light switch?
The final exercise is “Freestyle,” where you try and, ahem, tap a ball rapidly with your tongue. I found myself cheating at this game and just hitting my phone against my face repeatedly. I shouldn’t have left my apartment windows open, someone’s gonna call the police.
Be careful, don’t strain your neck!
By the end of the exercises, I was SO FRUSTRATED with the lack of control I had over my phone. I had accidentally enabled music, swiped “back” in my browser, and failed to collect points. It’s not. Supposed. To be. This Difficult!
My partner wandered into the room to watch my oral battle and laugh. She mentioned something about patience and control. Embarrassing.
Here is a video summary of my first time using Lick This App:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwjjJRqaGMo
I was so frustrated that I made my friend Allison do and review the circular exercise. Here are her observations:
“This app:
1) is great for killing time on public transportation!
2) made my tongue sore without having to suffer the fun of sex.
3) reminded me that I don’t know how to effectively manipulate cling wrap.
4) didn’t leave me feeling any more proficient at cunnilingus.”
I don’t have the heart to give this web app a poor rating, since I’m sure it could help some people gain better eye-tongue coordination and increase actual endurance while “keepin’ the beach balls afloat.” The premise is fuckin’ hilarious.
I think most of my problems stemmed from user error. Also, I blame some of it on my inability to form a stronger mentor-mentee relationship with my phone. Or something.
Oh Lick This app, it wasn’t you. It was me.
via Shutterstock
Readers, I want your feedback:
Do you think this app has a shot at improving your sexy times?
What would be the best hardware / OS / mobile browser combo to run this app on?
Why don’t you attach photos and videos of you demoing this app in the comments? (C’mon, I dare ya! I did it!)
This has been the seventy-second installment of Queer Your Tech with Fun, Autostraddle’s nerdy tech column. Not everything we cover is queer per se, but we talk about customizing this awesome technology you’ve got. Having it our way, expressing our appy selves just like we do with our identities. Here we can talk about anything from app recommendations to choosing a wireless printer to web sites you have to favorite to any other fun shit we can do with technology.
Header by Rory Midhani
Ok, this may be goofy on the one hand, but it strikes me as a kind of weirdly fun way to not completely lose my endurance in-between visits with my girlfriend. Long distance means that we get about a week every two months, so in those visits I feel like I have to build up critical sex-stamina in those precious days… maybe spending the lead up week before a visit trying to rack up points on this would help? Ha! It’s a pretty clever app-idea anyway
I totally feel ya. 11 months without seeing my wife? I feel like i gotta train the whole 2 mo tha beforehand. Maybe the app will help build stamina and endurance.
Hey, that is a totally legit use! I gotta admit, this app was really fun to mess around with. I’m sure you could become a champ at Lick This with practice, and then move on to mastering Fruit Ninja with your tongue. XD
The last and only only time I licked my display, there was some bad mushrooms involved(never again) and there was a picture of food on my screen. No, thank you.
This comment made me burst into giggles. What food was the picture of?
I want to say some sort of iced desert, but I can’t fully remember.
This app also works with a Playbook tablet. Just in case you wanted more surface area to work with, or something. For scientific research purposes, or whatever.
The more you know! (Cue rainbow shooting star)
Good to know! I supposed the smaller devices could cramp someone’s style, especially for people who have tongues like Gene Simmons.
I know you’re referencing something else, but I’ve got the Reading Rainbow song stuck in my head now.
I mean, I never ever intend on putting my tongue anywhere near my phone screen, so this app is a nope.
I feel like if the app could record your high scores and then link that information to your okCupid account, that could be a really relevant feature.
#justsayin.
Whoa. That is. Absolutely brilliant!
You gotta contact OK Cupid with that idea. Seriously!
That video of you licking your phone is my new favorite thing. I want a gif of how nonplussed you are.
I can’t wait until the Lick This App tournaments start. And then the inevitable movie version of the real life event, of course. It will be the greatest sports movie of all time.
This app is funny.. Oh and I have android it works, just in case anyone was wondering.
Nope. Not licking my phone. No way.
I’m the last remaining person in the world without a smartphone (yeah, I know), so I won’t have a chance to try this any time soon. But I feel like a 2D representation would really be missing a lot? A whole bunch of fun stuff requires three dimensions!
No. Germs. NO.
Real oral? Hell yes. But this app? No.
Yeah, I disinfected the phone twice before trying this, so that I wouldn’t get flesh-eating germs on my face. D:
“I had accidentally enabled music, swiped “back” in my browser, and failed to collect points. It’s not. Supposed. To be. This Difficult!”
So we’re still talking about the app? At least it’s realistic. Now I’m wondering if they’re gonna make something for the wii…
On one hand I really don’t want to lick my phone no matter how clean I keep it. However, I’m really competitive and I will make it my life’s mission to beat everyone at this. Fight me!
Bwahaha, challengers post yer scores here!
So can your tongue actually activate the touchscreen through a layer of cling wrap, our was that just a joke? I don’t want to bother even downloading it otherwise.
No joke! You know those clear screen protector thingies? They’re made of material much thicker than plastic wrap, but they work. Accuracy might vary depending on the type of touch screen. Lots of consumer electronics, such as iPhones and Droids have capacitative screens, which work when they come into contact with conductive materials, like your hands or tongue.
You can even get your phone to work with fabric barriers, like gloves, if they use conductive thread.
This might be the weirdest app I’ve ever seen. I would definitely not be able to lick any of my electronic devices, I already wipe down the surface a silly number of times every day because I don’t even like fingerprint smudges…
Haha yes, I had many internal debates about licking my phone screen. I used to work in consumer tech, and I have seen the horror that collects on touch screens. *shudder*
Your t-shirt in that video says it all, really.
Also, hahaha. Awesome post.
I tried this. I wasn’t very good. I had Flappy Bird flashbacks and quit in a fit of rage after only reaching 4 on the pencil sharpener level.
Everytime I think of saran wrap I think of this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eLqPhCbz9I
I think I might be more motivated to try this if it involved some kind of photo of Emilia Clarke.
I did this too! I kept opening notifications on accident too and then the screen was all wet and I couldn’t close them right away. And the light switch one took a minute or two to get used to.
LOL the entire time I was reading this post.
oh technology. I remember years ago when I borrow a book on cunnilingus from a male friend.