Welcome to the second episode of Lost Girl! Last time we discovered that Lauren has awful hair, Kenzi can cut a rug and Bo napped through filming. Everyone’s memory comes back and they realize they’re
just a hodge podge of supporting actors completely lost without their Bo! So they decide to string together a handful of pointless storylines that barely move along the plot as a coping mechanism!
Trick? Well he’s hanging out in a stairwell with a blood-smeared photo of his granddaughter. Completely normal.
Dyson’s on the Fifth Stage of Supporting Actor Grief which revolves around searching for Tamsin again and again. You’d think after a month of failing, he’d just pick up a new hobby like Catch or Fetch.
A nearby bush rustles. Do you think it’s one of the strong female leads that went missing last season?
Nope, just a little blonde girl with a full set of adult teeth. Based on the fact that people don’t grow on trees and child actors are expensive, I’m willing to bet that this is Tamsin reincarnated and not just an extra playing hide and seek.
Wait a sec, does that mean we have to say goodbye to Rachel Skarsten for thirty years? Ugh! That is so not cool!
Kenzi’s setting up Bo’s
shrine bedroom as she attempts to lure her home. Champagne, candy, chocolate and angel quality Victoria’s Secret runway models? If Bo’s still MIA I’m totally applying to live with Kenzi. Also, Bo likes chocolate lube? Gag me with a spoon.
As it turns out, this whole Bo-mecoming is a bit premature. Wolfie Debbie Downers the situation by reminding Kenzi that Bo’s missing, no one knows how to find her and Santa isn’t real.
Sigh. If he were a real friend, he’d know that the only cure for the broken heart caused by your “roomie” leaving involves a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, a mickey of whiskey and at least three boxes of Kleenex! But instead, he brought a kid!
I am by no means a pro when it comes to sitting on babies, but I’m gonna guess you’re not supposed to bring home strays on the off chance that they’re the pint-sized reincarnation of your former partner. And I’m pretty sure waiting until she throws a knife at the wall isn’t a Mary Poppins-approved test for Valkyrie rebirth.
The Other Red-Headed Lesbian Doctor is at a pay phone, but Dyson isn’t interesting in picking up. Maybe it’s because she’s still sporting that tragic haircut and god awful shirts. Or maybe it’s because she walked away when FUCKING Betty touched her boob! DUDE, YOU ARE SO FIRED!
Really now, how do you not respond to that? I’m pretty damn sure Second Base 101 is the first class you take in pre-med! Ugh. Might as well check on the rest of the characters since this scene’s going nowhere.
Wolfie and Kenzi call up the only character that’s had any experience raising children. But then again, Trick’s daughter was driven insane after he let her get kidnapped, tortured and raped for a century, so maybe Trick isn’t the best person to talk to when it involves children with abandonment issues.
Even though Dyson caught Tamsin undersized, Trick says they don’t have to throw her back! See, Tamsin was the last person that saw Bo and she mentioned Bo’s father, so the little twerp might be useful for finding her! But that whole dying and being resurrected thing tends to fuck with your memory so she’s still fucking useless.
Dyson volunteers Hale and himself to play Hardy Boys and The Lost Lost Girl while Kenzi’s stuck enacting Nancy Drew and the Case of the Bored Babysitter.
While they’re quibbling, Trick uses last episode’s compass to discover that Bo’s stuck in a different dimension! How the fuck do you find that out with a compass?
Let’s quickly cut to Bo waking up on a train to prove that Trick was right and I’m just overly critical.
Okay fine, I’ll keep listening to Trick.
Vex is at sub-par salon dungeon getting his chest waxed. The Una Mens realized that Vex was a Liar Liar Vinyl Pants on Fire and that the old Morrigan’s still alive! They want to rip off his face to add it to their Collection of Extinct Things which I’m totally okay with because this is the interrogator!
Instead of politely offering up his skin and letting me get through this recap, Vex suggests Bo’s instead. The dungeon master knows a good trade when she hears it, so she seals the deal by force-feeding Vex a piece of her ear. Again, I’m completely fine with throwing Vex under the bus if there are some BoDSM scenes in the future.
The Hardy Boys make a pit stop at a salon to start
a super pointless Scooby-esque treasure hunt the most enthralling half hour of your life. To find Bo they need to get to this other dimension! To get to this other dimension they need a tracker chaperone! To find this tracker they need to harass his ex-girlfriend because Eddie stopped updating his Instagram so the last info Trick had on him was a Hudson-filtered 13th century selfie!
Dyson’s off to get some highlights while Hale starts rifling through the drawers. But look who shows up?
Schecter’s back —who at this point, I should probably introduce as Cleo — after stealing Seinfeld’s puffy shirt. She overheard that the boys are searching for Eddie and names Astrid as a potential source while scrawling some Hindi on his palm. But before he can question her motives or why the fuck she knows Hindi she’s gone!
Hale stupidly takes Jenny’s advice and has Astrid read his palm. Looks like she wrote out an order for a Wiped Memory with a Side of Fries and a Diet Coke. But rather than heeding the request, she translates it. Worst snitch ever.
For someone that claims, “I don’t talk, I cannot talk” Astrid still manages to run her non-mouth. She hasn’t forgiven the salon since they fucked up her hair, so she arms Dyson with a kiss and anoints Hale with some cologne to sabotage the place. Part of me wants to be like, THIS BITCH IS CRAZY, but the rest of me remembers crying for two days straight after The Soccer Momcut Fiasco of 2009. So fine, I’m on her side.
The boys return just in time for Sexy Staff Salon Sweeping! Quick ladies, unbutton your blouses and hike up those hemlines, these piles of hair aren’t going to clean themselves!
Even though all parties involved seem quite taken with each other, Schecter turns the staff on the Hardy Boys. What started off as a softcore lesbian romp quickly morphed into a slasher flick, complete with vag-shredding talons.
But then Hale’s magical cologne makes everything better. The Army of Vagina Shredders retract their claws, my Kegels can actually relax and Dyson gets back to sleuthing for Eddie.
Kenzi’s been babysitting the entire time which is about as interesting to watch as actual babysitting. Blablabla babies. Blablabla sitting. Tamsin reaffirms my vow to never invite children into my home by flushing Kenzi’s stash of Magic Glitter Crotch Cream.
How she manages to not clock the kid is beyond me, but Kenzi calms the precious asshole down, leading to a question that really matters.
TAMTAM: So if you and Bo live together, does that mean you love each other?
KENZI: Totally, but strictly BFFs.
TAMTAM: What’s BFF?
KENZI: Bitches Finger Fucking.
(Or at least, that’s what she meant to say.)
TamTam continues rifling through all of Kenzi’s things somehow missing the vodka, thongs and machetes and comes across The Wanderer card instead. To teach the brat a lesson on respecting people’s privacy, the card goes up in flames! Third degree burns! That’ll show her!
Kenzi recognizes one of the figures on the PIECE OF FLAMING PAPER and TamTam comes to the logical conclusion that Bo’s stuck in the card. If this were any other show, the kid would be laughed at for saying something so dumb before being sent to the back of the class with a cone on her head, but this is Lost Girl so, uh, she’s right?
“Amber” gets her panties in a knot over a newspaper mugshot that vaguely resembles Bo and completely misses her audition for Do You Want Fries With That: The Tender Story of Two Waitresses Fucking in a Diner.
I can’t tell if Crystal’s really smitten or really dumb, since she’s excusing Lauren’s alias and god awful hair.
There’s a 90% chance Lauren’ll be fired the next day for being a terrible waitress so Crystal asks her drinks, now with less sexual harassment claims!
If this were on Showtime, Lauren would already have jumped Crystal and dragged her into the booth and MacGyvered restraints out of their work shirts. But no, introverted stick-in-the-mud Lauren just says no.
Wolfie stumbles upon Selene’s Secret Love Nest and look, it’s a sleeping dude! Best. Orgy. Ever.
Selene has her ex Eddie under her spell – don’t they all – and she’s not willing to wake up him. Nope, not gonna wake him up at all, she won’t do it unless she’s forced! But if Dyson wants to force it, then she’s like totally into it.
They start to negotiate a bondage scene which I would watch foreverty ever if it involved any other character besides Dyson. But before the leather comes out, Selene reveals that Sleeping Beasty just needs a kiss, so Dyson uses Astrid’s magic to force her to pucker up which is super non consensual.
And then bucko wakes up and punches Selene in the face which is super SUPER non consensual. Blegh.
In case you can’t keep track of all the plotlines, Bo’s still on that train.
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