I guess sleeping for one hundred years makes you lonely for gossip, so Eddie dismisses Operation Rescue Bo to grill two perfect strangers on what makes their hearts and pants tick.
Kenzi interrupts A Very Special Bonding Session by texting Dyson a photo of the Wanderer card, to which Eddie replies that they’re in deep shit.
You’d think he’d be disoriented by all of the indoor fire and magical talking picture boxes, but nope! Apparently Eddie’s just the most well-adjusted time traveler and his biggest concerns are the mating habits of wolves. Hale has a thing for Kenzi, Dyson has a thing for Bo and Eddie has thing for outdated buzzwords. Trollops! Mead! Turkish Baths! 3 1/2″ Floppy Disks!
Dyson and Eddie convince Hale to bombard Kenzi with love poems, but I’d also be “convinced” if it gave me an excuse to walk away from Bro Feelinganza 2014.
Ever Oblivious Lauren tries to unpack her feelings with Crystal, but seems to forget that Intense Feeling Dumps are off limits once you turn down sexy times.
While Lauren continues ignoring Crystal’s growing sexual frustration, a sleazeball customer starts choking on his own meat. Rather than let the ogler parish, Amber morphs into Super Doctor and tries to do that whole “saving a life” thing.
She starts with the Heimlich, but quickly switches to a make-shift scalpel.
WHO THE FUCK SWITCHES FROM THE HEIMLICH STRAIGHT TO A TRACHEOTOMY? THIS IS LOST GIRL, NOT HOUSE! WAIT, DO YOU THINK THIRTEEN’S GOING TO SHOW UP FOR A CONSULT? I WOULD BE MORE OKAY WITH THAT THAN THIS.
Oh right, she’s not just the Lesbian Doctor but the Fae Lesbian Doctor, so of course she could tell that his throat was being blocked by a demon instead of some demonic diner liver. This biopsy would be background noise to any other episode, but now she’s hanging out with normal people. Normal people with short shorts and camera phones that aren’t exactly well versed in demons and will probably leak it to TMZ.
Now that they’ve got the feels out of the way, Dyson wants to know how they’re going to get to this other fucking dimension already because they’re been walking all day and he’s getting grungry. Eddie explains they’re looking for something “off” to represent a “dimensional shift” that’ll serve as a “portal” to move along this “plotline.”
I’m not really sure what’s considered fucked up when you’re being led around by a Rip Van Winkle with a linen suit and a tentative grasp of the modern English language.
Apparently it’s a hot dog cart? Or uh two, out of sync dudes selling hot dogs? PFFT, AS IF GETTING A PERMIT TO SELL HOT DOGS ON ABANDONED TRAIN TRACKS WASN’T WEIRD ENOUGH.
Eddie’s seminar on olde timey romance inspires Hale to profess his love for Kenz but all she can hear is Bo Bo Bo Boob Bo.
But his cologne succeeds where his flowers failed and all of a sudden it’s Dry Hump Season at Wichita Falls Summer Camp all over again!
It’s also Attack of the Puberty in the rest of the house and TamTam cries bloody murder as it mows her down. Even though less than a day has passed, the Plight of Ingrown Hairs, Pimply Faces and Lopsided Boobs has claimed our poor babe.
TAMTAM: I feel super bizzaro.
Ye Olde Eddie and Wolfie come across a juke box/dimensional portal/random piece of garbage and Eddie’s as confused by it as I am.
But luckily – I never thought I’d get to say this — Jenny’s been stalking them! Schecter stole Eddie’s tracker gigs while he was asleep, so she’s running the latest version of Being a Tracker while Eddie’s still stuck on a 1994 beta trial.
She uses all of her Super Special Elemental with a Twist Powers to download the latest update for him. And by update I mean she leads him into the path of a high speed train.
You’d think murder would be a sign that you shouldn’t trust someone, but meh, Dyson was never that great of a detective anyways. They head by Chez Kenzi to pick up the train ticket that Bo’s daddy generously mailed.
Kenzi’s still uneasy that this brunette doppleganger keeps offering to save the day, but Dyson’s running out of women that’ll talk to him so he brushes off her concerns.
CLEO: Oh man this worked.
That’s reassuring! Now that their seats are booked, Dyson finally takes Lauren’s call. You can’t really blame a guy for avoiding his ex’s ex.
Lauren’s bored batting off the hot blonde’s advances and just wants to go home to her cold, empty bed. Dyson says tough beans, as he’s squirreled her away in buttfuck nowhere for a reason. She’s whining that she’ll be discovered anyways because of Crystal’s video, but Wolfie’s paws are tied and she just needs to deal with it by herself.
Surprise, surprise! Jenny’s making a secret call on that handy dandy E-cig she’s been toting.
If you thought that Schecter had seen the error of her evil ways, you should give yourself a smack. Jenny’s on Vex’s payroll, and now that he’s made a deal with the dungeon master, she’ll need to collect the SuccuBounty.
Now that everyone’s used up their long distance minutes, Dyson and Jenny switch their phones to Intergalactic Travel Mode to save on roaming charges and get read to board.
Back at the diner, Lauren and Crystal share a bottle of booze and a booth after a hard day Waitressing and Suppressing Their Urges. Lauren attempts to break into Crystal’s phone when she’s in the bathroom emptying herself of tequila, but completely forgets that she has a degree in medicine and not Being a Badass.
She’s obviously caught, so Lauren tries the direct approach and begs Crystal to delete the alien video. And uh, Crystal agrees? She’s oddly trusting of the woman that cut open a dude’s neck, but hey, crushes make you do weird things.
Apparently internet privacy’s a strong aphrodisiac so Lauren fesses up to her real name and goes to 1/2nd base with Crystal.
Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes, Bo’s still on that train.
But now that Dyson and Schecter have boarded it’s a bit too crowded on this Death Train, so she jumps off the train. We’ll see if she wins this game of Hide and Bo Seek in 403.