Lost Girl Episode 402: This Not So Amazing Race

I guess sleeping for one hundred years makes you lonely for gossip, so Eddie dismisses Operation Rescue Bo to grill two perfect strangers on what makes their hearts and pants tick.

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Dude, it’s neither sunny or rainy, you don’t need a bumbershoot.

Kenzi interrupts A Very Special Bonding Session by texting Dyson a photo of the Wanderer card, to which Eddie replies that they’re in deep shit.

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It’s a fucking card! Does everyone trust pieces of paper?

You’d think he’d be disoriented by all of the indoor fire and magical talking picture boxes, but nope! Apparently Eddie’s just the most well-adjusted time traveler and his biggest concerns are the mating habits of wolves. Hale has a thing for Kenzi, Dyson has a thing for Bo and Eddie has thing for outdated buzzwords. Trollops! Mead! Turkish Baths! 3 1/2″ Floppy Disks!

This about sums up this episode.

This has been my face for the entire episode.

Dyson and Eddie convince Hale to bombard Kenzi with love poems, but I’d also be “convinced” if it gave me an excuse to walk away from Bro Feelinganza 2014.

Ever Oblivious Lauren tries to unpack her feelings with Crystal, but seems to forget that Intense Feeling Dumps are off limits once you turn down sexy times.

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We’re never going to be lesbros.

While Lauren continues ignoring Crystal’s growing sexual frustration, a sleazeball customer starts choking on his own meat. Rather than let the ogler parish, Amber morphs into Super Doctor and tries to do that whole “saving a life” thing.

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Fucking hippocratic oath! Always fucking up my game.

She starts with the Heimlich, but quickly switches to a make-shift scalpel.

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The head bone’s connected to the neck bone!


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I’m not a doctor, but there are too many mouths.

Oh right, she’s not just the Lesbian Doctor but the Fae Lesbian Doctor, so of course she could tell that his throat was being blocked by a demon instead of some demonic diner liver. This biopsy would be background noise to any other episode, but now she’s hanging out with normal people. Normal people with short shorts and camera phones that aren’t exactly well versed in demons and will probably leak it to TMZ.

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If I upload this alien vid, do you think Scully’ll show up?

Now that they’ve got the feels out of the way, Dyson wants to know how they’re going to get to this other fucking dimension already because they’re been walking all day and he’s getting grungry. Eddie explains they’re looking for something “off” to represent a “dimensional shift” that’ll serve as a “portal” to move along this “plotline.”

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I’m not really sure what’s considered fucked up when you’re being led around by a Rip Van Winkle with a linen suit and a tentative grasp of the modern English language.

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They’re not tricks they’re illusions.

Apparently it’s a hot dog cart? Or uh two, out of sync dudes selling hot dogs? PFFT, AS IF GETTING A PERMIT TO SELL HOT DOGS ON ABANDONED TRAIN TRACKS WASN’T WEIRD ENOUGH.

Eddie’s seminar on olde timey romance inspires Hale to profess his love for Kenz but all she can hear is Bo Bo Bo Boob Bo.

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Dude shoulda sprung for some phallic bamboo.

But his cologne succeeds where his flowers failed and all of a sudden it’s Dry Hump Season at Wichita Falls Summer Camp all over again!

But it's the pelvic thrust... That really drives you insane

But it’s the pelvic thrust… That really drives you insane. LETS DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!

It’s also Attack of the Puberty in the rest of the house and TamTam cries bloody murder as it mows her down. Even though less than a day has passed, the Plight of Ingrown Hairs, Pimply Faces and Lopsided Boobs has claimed our poor babe.

At this rate, Valkubus could be a thing for 403.

At this rate, Valkubus could be a thing for 403.

TAMTAM: I feel super bizzaro.

Ye Olde Eddie and Wolfie come across a juke box/dimensional portal/random piece of garbage and Eddie’s as confused by it as I am.

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I think it’s a dinglehopper.

But luckily – I never thought I’d get to say this — Jenny’s been stalking them! Schecter stole Eddie’s tracker gigs while he was asleep, so she’s running the latest version of Being a Tracker while Eddie’s still stuck on a 1994 beta trial.

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Only one of us was supposed to raid the Halloween section of wardrobe!

She uses all of her Super Special Elemental with a Twist Powers to download the latest update for him. And by update I mean she leads him into the path of a high speed train.

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Yay everybody wins!

You’d think murder would be a sign that you shouldn’t trust someone, but meh, Dyson was never that great of a detective anyways. They head by Chez Kenzi to pick up the train ticket that Bo’s daddy generously mailed.

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If Bo’s still missing, I’ll totally be your Brunette Lesbian Roomie.

Kenzi’s still uneasy that this brunette doppleganger keeps offering to save the day, but Dyson’s running out of women that’ll talk to him so he brushes off her concerns.

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How they knew it was a train ticket’s beyond me, but then again, I’m not wearing a puffy white shirt.

CLEO: Oh man this worked.

That’s reassuring! Now that their seats are booked, Dyson finally takes Lauren’s call. You can’t really blame a guy for avoiding his ex’s ex.



Lauren’s bored batting off the hot blonde’s advances and just wants to go home to her cold, empty bed. Dyson says tough beans, as he’s squirreled her away in buttfuck nowhere for a reason. She’s whining that she’ll be discovered anyways because of Crystal’s video, but Wolfie’s paws are tied and she just needs to deal with it by herself.

Surprise, surprise! Jenny’s making a secret call on that handy dandy E-cig she’s been toting.

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I think I got better reception with Vanilla.

If you thought that Schecter had seen the error of her evil ways, you should give yourself a smack. Jenny’s on Vex’s payroll, and now that he’s made a deal with the dungeon master, she’ll need to collect the SuccuBounty.

Now that everyone’s used up their long distance minutes, Dyson and Jenny switch their phones to Intergalactic Travel Mode to save on roaming charges and get read to board.

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Not gonna lie, the Little Engine That Could always got on my nerves.

Back at the diner, Lauren and Crystal share a bottle of booze and a booth after a hard day Waitressing and Suppressing Their Urges. Lauren attempts to break into Crystal’s phone when she’s in the bathroom emptying herself of tequila, but completely forgets that she has a degree in medicine and not Being a Badass.

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Damnit! I should have taken that seminar Kenzi was teaching.

She’s obviously caught, so Lauren tries the direct approach and begs Crystal to delete the alien video. And uh, Crystal agrees? She’s oddly trusting of the woman that cut open a dude’s neck, but hey, crushes make you do weird things.

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I’m just clearing up some space for our sex tape.

Apparently internet privacy’s a strong aphrodisiac so Lauren fesses up to her real name and goes to 1/2nd base with Crystal.

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Is U-Hauling Witness Protection Agency-approved?

Oh and in case you’re wondering, yes, Bo’s still on that train.

Yeah genius, you're on a train. We get it.

But now that Dyson and Schecter have boarded it’s a bit too crowded on this Death Train, so she jumps off the train. We’ll see if she wins this game of Hide and Bo Seek in 403.

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Hailing from Vancouver, Kristen's still trying to figure out how to survive Montreal's Real Legitimate Canadian Winter. So far she's discovered that warm socks, giant toques and Tabby kittens all play a role in her survival. Her ultimate goal is to rank higher than KStew in the "Kristen + Autostraddle" Google Search competition.

Kristen has written 139 articles for us.


  1. I saw the screenshot with Ali Liebert on the Autostraddle Tumblr and thought, “No one told me Betty was in this show!!!” Clearly I have not been keeping up closely enough with the Straddleverse.

  2. Zoe Palmer and Ali Liebert have wicked chemistry and I like to pretend that they “practiced” these characters off screen. I am really excited for the screen caps of them for the next episode, because I couldn’t feel my face after I watched those scenes. I think I had a brain orgasm.

  3. Sorry for pointing this out but I think you might made some errors. It’s not Dyson, it’s Hale who confesses his love to Kenzi. And so it’s not Hale who boards the train with Schecter, it’s our ‘beloved’ wolf Dyson. Or was this intentional?

    And for the episode itself, it was rather ‘meh’. Nothing really important happend. But I kinda liked the scenes with Tamtam and the Kenz.

  4. ah, sometimes it takes the recap for me to truly appreciate how ridiculous and nonsensical this show is. but girls and boobs. I mean girls and Bo.

    No, I really meant girls and boobs.

  5. In UK finally watching right damn now…and BETTY! Also clearly Bo has been sent back in time and is imprisoned on the Victorian London Underground…this really wouldn’t be a stretch for this show especially after I just heard Trick say “the ujshe” instead of the usual.

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