AUTOSTRADDLE’S ‘LOST’ SEASON FINALE LIVEBLOG!
The time is nigh! What began ever-so modestly with a $14 Million dollar pilot in 2004 is about to wrap up six seasons of mindfucking with one of the most anticipated (feared?) season finales ever. Yes, LOST is ending tonight. I still don’t know if I’m supposed to put the name of the show in all caps, but it just looks so wrong conventionally capitalized.
Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Sayid, Hurley, Jin, Sun, Desmond, John Locke, Ben and like a trillion other pseudo-friends we’ve collected over the past six years will meet their final end, beginning tonight at 7PM EST. Well, I believe some kind of much-needed epic recap begins then, the real show won’t start ’til 9PM EST.
God knows they’ve met a lot of ends along the way: LOST tends to kill off and resurrect its characters on a whim, so who knows what’s gonna go down tonight. If you’ve never seen the show, this will probably be the most baffling two hours of television you’ve ever consumed. That probably goes for if you have seen it too. IT’S ON!
Karen: ARE THEY ALL DEAD
this is heartening
Jack’s dad is def not shambly/drunk enough to be “real”
OKAY. 6 minutes left and NO SMOKE MONSTER (except in the Target ads) and NO POLAR BEARS
Karen: are there polar bears in purgatory?
Taylor: why is this ending in a church, really? REALLY?
weird church dead people gala
are these people dead? no really.
Karen: so wait he dies and then all we get is them meeting in heaven at some indeterminate time?
Taylor: this is JUST like the Lovely Bones
jack’s having a moment among the bamboo
is Driveshaft gonna perform right now?
cause they’re all looking to the pulpit expectantly.
okay, dog continuity problem. i swear that’s a different dog all splayed out next to soon-to-be-dead jack.
1 minute left
Karen: I am going to have to think about this for a while before knowing how mad i am.
Taylor: And, I leave you with this:
Karen: i want Hurley to go home and be a fried chicken tycoon not stay here with ben forever
Taylor: yeah, right?
the chicken at hurley’s franchise looks kind of delicious
Kelsey: “Why does Jack drive a duckboat?”
Karen: it makes him eccentric
Taylor: or more shambly? …are they having a gala? kind of like when bravo does those reunion episodes of things before a finale?
Taylor: i miss the show before they went in the hatch
one mysterious thing was enough for me to fixate on
TOO MUCH JUDEOCHRISTIAN SYMBOLISM I’M DONE
Karen: what is the captain’s wheel a symbol of?
Taylor: saltiness, seawardness
Kelsey, in reference to Jack’s father’s casket as he approaches it: “I hope feral cats pop out”
Taylor: nope, no feral cats.
Karen: oh shit.
Taylor: guys, where the fuck did this plane come from?
i am so slow
Priya: it crashed when they came back to the island.
Taylor: ohhhh. nonetheless, i would not trust that sketchball to fly a plane
Priya: at least they get to sit in first class
Karen: why oh why did jack put the penis back in the hole? so confused
Taylor: glory hole.
large-scale glory hole.
Karen: the light only works when the penis is filling the vagina?
Taylor: IT MEANS SOMETHING I CANNOT DISCERN ITS MEANING
Priya: best comment of the night.
Taylor: this is like the goonies x church x electrical fire
Karen: they had better impress the hell out of me soon
because this–whatever–is not fulfilling my wishes
Karen: isn’t Locke like 1.5 hours out of major surgery?
Taylor: yeah, you know. the island has…uh…properties
Karen: ok at least jack’s response is confusion which is way more realistic than everyone else’s
Taylor: kate’s getting kind of hot again. Bout time.
Kelsey keeps insisting that claire is “turning into a merwoman”
Karen: i think she really just needs to wash her hair. i get crazy when my scalp itches too.
Taylor: me too, actually. pet peeve
Karen: seriously that shit is annoying
Karen: is this plane an osprey or what YOU HAVE NO RUNWAY IT’S SAND
Taylor: what’s an osprey? that sounds cool
omg guys i just realized i drank 3 beers in like 30 minutes and it only vaguely muffled my liveblog overstimulation anxiety
Karen: its a plane that can take off and land like a copter and can hover. its magical
and it only cost billions in our tax dollars!
Taylor: omg i love when my tax dollars go to the most BADASS STUFF EVER
Taylor: shit, does that vending machine trick really work? juliet said if you unplug it and plug it back in, “the candy just drops right down”
Karen: simulataneous orgasm (by the vending machine)
Taylor: it’s the stuff of legend!
and let’s not forget its yet more legendary relative, the simultaneous flashback orgasm!
Karen: that is so rare. you have to be really comfortable with your partner to achieve that
Taylor: sawyer looks like a ninja turtle right now in the best way possible
requisite heterotastic boring couple kiss
spice it up! i wanna see miles kiss hurley!
Karen: i know why was that kiss necessary at this point
Taylor: and like, ben and sun is some kind of bdsm situation
Karen: ben does seem to like provoking people to beat him
sun could be a kinky mistress
Karen: sun has been secretly hot this whole time
Taylor: i know, right?!
i only realize that in weird moments. like holy shit, she’s unzipping her cardigan
Karen: OH SHIT
i was eating a sandwich fuck
Karen: KATE saves the day
Taylor: kate isn’t being ineffectual, yay!
Priya: Locke is always falling to his death.
Taylor: uh john? you gonna live through that getting pushed off a cliff shit?
okay, guys. somebody break down new john who is just a smokemonster
OMG ARE THE REALITIES CROSSING OVER
hence blood on jack’s neck? cool
Karen: so is the smoke monster gone now?
Taylor: locke’s successful surgery proves anyone can drink on the job and do just fine.
as i will demonstrate at my workplace tomorrow
i mean, jkjkjk
Priya: cave sex better be a flashback for kate and sawyer.
Taylor: cave sex?!
Priya: oops i meant cage sex. (…)
Karen: Okay fundamental question: how do they think they can get a plan off the ground with no runway??
Taylor: island mojo?
Karen: OK, I must know: did I miss a conversation about why they were sending D down there? Did they direct him to move the phallus? Are they all telepaths now?
Priya: Claire, you were at a table full of doctors.
You really think the roadie’s going to be the best help?
Karen: daniel is really feeling that music
do not let the junkie deliver teh baby
Priya: He seems sober all of a sudden.
Taylor: how many times has claire had this baby? christ
Karen: did that take two pushes really?
just like real life, right?
[Ed. note: almost]
Priya: eww sick placenta.
Karen: oatmeal placenta!
Taylor: shit’s nutritious, priya
about the baby, kelsey said “ew, it’s like a goat, I HATE IT”
kate, be with me. let’s recreate that scene from Gia
Taylor: omg is this the dumbledore cave?!? that cave is SO SAD
Priya: what is this phallic object desmond is clutching?
Taylor: OMG KELSEY SAID IT’S THE MISSING TOE
FROM THE STATUE
Karen: AAAHHHH! Missing TOE!!!
Priya: good call.
Priya: I love Charlotte’s dress.
Karen: charlotte looks smoking hot
Taylor: is she the one who died from nosebleeds?
Priya: yes she is.
Taylor: i mean from TIME TRAVEL
Taylor: is that the creeper from the dharma vids?
Priya: It’s so weird for Dr. Chang to not be creepy here.
Taylor: i hate everything about Charlie’s band Driveshaft.
Priya: Claire and Charlie are cute together.
Taylor: Charlie is so heroinchicgaytwinktastic here
Karen: CHARLIE HEARTS CLAIRE
Taylor: “YOU AREEEEE EVERRRRYYBODDYYYY”
Karen: Charlie’s stare made Claire’s vagina contract
Priya: Are things actually starting to happen in this episode?
Karen: aw is claire going to go back to her pretend baby?
Taylor: guys i love subterranean shit
the hatch buildup was my favorite part of the show ever!
and now we’re in a cavern
OMG IT’S JUST LIKE THE GOONIES
Karen: I don’t understand what the hell is going on!!!!
Priya: I still don’t get why they’re working together.
Taylor: i need a beer!
Priya: locke and jack i mean.
Taylor: i just drank like 3 beers cause i felt nervous!
Karen: exactly why are they collaborating on getting desmond down there?
Priya: Jack is so cocky.
Taylor: guys i am an idiot. i JUST realized the smoke monster possessed john locke
Priya: ummm yeah. . . that’s a big point you missed.
Karen: does jack think sending desmond down there will kill locke? And locked thinks it will destroy the island? They couldn’t have scripted that conversation for us?
Taylor: omg extremely tall waterfall with goonies style lighting, yes!
Taylor: i love when sayid is unnecessarily articulate. he’s an englishman. can’t blame him?
Karen: He is so hot in a torturer kind of way
Priya: omg it’s shannon!
and her abusive bf.
Priya: sayid is so sexy.
ughh it makes me so sick that it took her for him to have his flashback.
Karen: hot sex tension
Priya: Shannon is such a freak.
Taylor: oh man, that incestuous chick is back!
Priya: Also, if i had a flashback like that, i wouldn’t think it really happened, i would think i was a creepster.
Taylor: Shannon looks like julianna moore in boogie nights!
Priya: she does!
Taylor: for real
moar roller skates and cocaine pls!
Priya: Damn Sayid works fast.
Karen: Yes, what about the love of your life Nadia?
Priya: He sure forgot about her fast.
Taylor: oh wait, his tragic imprisoned love?
fuck nadia THIS GIRL IS BLONDE
Karen: wait when did they agree to drop desmond into the light?
Priya: Desmond can see the future! he knows!
Karen: how does desmond have consciousness of both worlds IN BOTH WORLDS?
Priya: Why doesn’t Jack listen to anyone?
Karen: because he’s a bro!
Priya: Locke has man boobs. and Jack is getting them. Sawyer is the only one who has his pectorals in excellent shape.
Taylor: omg i was JUST noticing manboobs
Taylor: nice pectoral maintenance, sawyer
KNEW IT. Juliette is his ex wife! ughh that was predicable. I wonder if Juliette likes being everyone’s sloppy seconds.
Taylor: whoa whoa. eww
Priya: Juliette and Jack are better together than Juliette and Sawyer. They’re both dull.
Karen: Time to go get a beer
[DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE DRINKING GAME! WHEE!]
Priya: The besties are reunited!!!
Also, these commercials are going for like, a million dollars a spot!
Karen: Guyliner Charlie!
Priya: I hope when I got shot in the back with a tranquilizer gun I fall square on a bed.
Is Desmond secretly a bomb?
Karen: Look how cute their little hovel is!
Taylor: Terry O’Quinn is brilliant.
Priya: True dat
Karen: YAY! ROSE and VINCENT and BERNARD!
Priya: Rose and Bernard! I forgot about them.
Karen: I like scraggly Desmond better than hair gel Desmond.
Priya: Desmond sounds like he’s about to sell kate into sex slavery.
Taylor: Oh snap, sideways world montage!
Priya: They’re bringing the body to the concert? What?
The mirror! going to be significant.
Taylor: what is that true about that guy’s eyeliner?! how does that happen to someone? that’d shave off like 2 minutes of bullshit in my morning routine
Priya: His arm tattoo is intense.
Karen: And bro-riffic.
Taylor: OMG CUE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE MUSIC
Priya: IT’S HAPPENING!!!
Karen: NERD EXCITEMENT!
Taylor: I’m SO confused and it is just starting. MOAR BEER!
Karen: They really put dead bodies in packing boxes?
Priya: Richard does not have eyeliner! he talked about how his eyes are naturally like that and it’s caused him problems with casting all his life!
Karen: never bought the “that’s his natural look” excuse!type here -Karen
Taylor: omg, the creators just recognized the fact that Richard CLEARLY has eyeliner tattooed onto him. THANK YOU
Hi Karen and Priya! Thanks for being LOST consultants! Let’s do it!
LAST MINUTE LOST CRASH COURSE
Some catching up to do? We’ve got ya covered. It’s the 11th hour. GO!
+ Wikipedia’s probably a good place to start for getting a refresher course on the cast of characters.
+ Television Without Pity provides some of the best snarktastic recaps around.
+ Want to see the entirety of LOST reenacted by lolcats?
+ The last issue of Wired brought us a ton Comprehensive LOST info, including some fascinating behind the scenes stuff from the creators and this amazingly thorough character infographic. (Click through for a legible version!)
+ Check out the recently surfaced LOST audition tapes and see our island-bound friends before they knew what exactly they were getting into.
+ Can’t get enough of Sawyer’s compulsive nicknaming?
THE LOST LIVEBLOG’S OWN CAST CHARACTERS
Taylor: Tech Editor. Has seen probably 90% of LOST episodes, which makes her an infidel by fan standards. Went as Sawyer for Halloween in 2007.
Kelsey: Autostraddler. Along for the ride. Sporadic LOST-watcher, with a pretty good gr
asp of what’s up.
Karen: Friend of Auto, LOST consultant, winsome lady and loyal Lost-follower. Her relationship with Lost is “semi-serious fandom tinged with scorn.”
Priya: Friend of Auto, LOST consultant. Fact-checker, all around fanatic.
Laneia, Riese, Assorted other Autofolks will be making cameos & giving their two cents!
RIESE’S INSIDER PREDICTIONS:
I’m one of those people who would much rather read about television than actually watch television, often developing very specific opinions of said programs without ever viewing them. Soooooo I’ve never seen LOST, even though everyone has told me to watch LOST, which just makes me want to not awtch it even more. I get most of my TV-related opinions from New York Magazine, which is where in 2006, I concluded that after several years of not watching LOST, that LOST wouldn’t be losing all its viewers with its increasingly tedious shaggy-dog story if it had just committed from the get-go to being exactly two seasons long. In fact, that’s how all of television could be fixed. Amirite or what?
So, tonight’s finale! It should be a good one. I haven’t had the time to read anything about it DESPITE IT BEING IN MY FUCKING FACE ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Basically this is what I know about the show: Charlie Salinger left Bailey and Jennifer Love Hewitt behind, probably got on a boat/airplane/raft of some sort which I guess crashed or something so he ended up on an island with a bunch of strangers, which I imagine being like that show Temptation Island which I also never saw/but read about. In most of the photos there seems to be a large man with curly hair, ladies in tank tops, and A LOT of shrubbery.
Most Hated Character: I don’t like that guy with the big sideburns and the curly hair because the big sideburns are weird to me, they are like HUGE SIDEBURNS.
Fave Character: The chick that had sex with Gia!
Longshot Prediction: I think the obvious answer is that someone will turn out to be gay, or that Jenny will come back from the dead. I just asked Taylor if Michelle Rodriguez was in this show, ’cause I thought she was, and she was going to be my fave character b/c of her (suspected) homosexuality and Taylor said that M-Ro got killed but that sometimes people come back from life. So I predict that Charlie Salinger will lick a posioned envelope, fall off the railing, turn into a dolphin, come out of the pool, and then walk to the police station in a slow-motion montage. Dana Fairbanks will be there, and Alanis Morisette will be playing G-d. Then hopefully the whole cast will come out for a curtain call, like they did on Full House.
LOST DRINKING GAME RULES
Play this at home! Just don’t implicate us when you end up crying over Desmond or hookin’ up with your ex.
Our units here are a big swig of beer, an unladylike gulp of wine or half a shot, if you’re daring like that. Bear in mind, this shit’s gonna be 2.5 hours long.
Someone dead returns: 1 drink
Anyone drinks Dharma Initiative beer: 1 drink
Sawyer calls someone a nickname: 1 drink
Smoke Monster: 2 drinks!
Polar Bear: Finish whatever you’ve got (Down your beer! I hope you bought a case!)
*Submit your own rules to us and we’ll add em!
PRE LOST FINALE FEELINGS
“Shit, I really should have properly caught up. I’m like 3 episodes behind. Whatever. I’ll call it like I sees it.”
Most Hated Character: Michael, that sketchy smarmster pilot dude. Any time Desmond says Brotha’
Fave Character: Er. I like Jin. He doesn’t piss me off too much. And who doesn’t like Hurley? Ben’s fun to watch.
Longshot Prediction: Geez, I don’t know. I’d really like to listen to that tikatikatika Smoke Monster noise a lot more. Also I’d like if Sun and Kate made out. That’d be nice. Or Juliet. I’m not picky.
“Libby, I love you.”
Most Hated Character: Desmond, brutha.
Fave Character: It used to be Locke. Ya know what? IT STILL IS.
Longshot Prediction: Sawyer’s gay. Jack is his lover. Kate gets pregnant with two girls and settles down in a nice country cottage. Sayid has been faking his accent the whole time. Sun and Jin are actually Japanese. Libby and Hugo get married in the Pysch Ward. Locke is God.
“I expect disappointment and bitterness on my part. If Desmond and Penny don’t wind up together tonight, I swear…”
Most Hated Character: Jack. Matthew Fox has too much of a bro quality for me.
Fave Character: DESMOND. (Or Hurley. Sawyer? Sayid. No, Sun. Jin. Anyone but Jack basically. But especially DESMOND).
Longshot Prediction: Hurley and Desmond save the world, buddy cop style. Closing shot: they are sipping margaritas with Penny and Libby.
“This episode is going to be bittersweet since it marks the end of Lost, but I’m ready for it!”
Most Hated Character: Juliet
Fave Character: SAWYER! And Sayid and Desmond.
Longshot Prediction: I think the Island is going to be destroyed and the smoke monster is going to try to take over Locke’s body in the sideways world when he finally escapes the Island. And Richard is not done for yet…