Let Me Google That For You Pt. 2

The internet has become a far less polite place since that fateful day when the Mailer Daemon murdered Jeeves in cold blood. So, in an effort to breathe a little civility into this lawless land, I have done the research and saved you the keystrokes on what – according to Google algorithms and statistics – you’ve always wondered, wonder presently, or might wonder sometime in the future.


What happens when we die?

Depends on who you ask.

What happens when you tell Siri 112?

Siri is very good at her job (except when she’s not) and if you say “112” she calls emergency services 5 seconds later. This is useful information because of general safety and all, but it’s also very useful if you, like me, have seen every episode of Law and Order: SVU and are paranoid that someone is going to break into your home while you are blow drying your hair and dump a bucket of water on you.

Think about it. It’s the perfect crime.

What happens when you stop smoking?

The first thing that happens is your heart rate normalizes. The longer you don’t smoke the better your blood-oxygen levels become and the lower your blood pressure gets. You start to regain a sharper sense of taste and smell, and within three days your system will be nicotine free. The side effects of withdrawal will most likely start within the first 24 hours. You will feel an increase in anxiety, tension and frustration. It is also common to experience drowsiness or trouble sleeping, as well as an increased appetite. Once you are nicotine free, the headaches, nausea and emotional effects of withdrawal will become more pronounced. Within three weeks you should have little to no withdrawal symptoms (everyone is different after all) but you will definitely have decreased your risk of heart attack and lung cancer. 15 years after you stop smoking, studies show, you will have about the same risk of heart disease as a non-smoker.

On the downside, you can’t use your prized, and absurdly long, Cruella De Ville-style cigarette holder anymore. Bummer.

What happens when you sneeze?

The physical process of sneezing is a pretty simple concept. The nerve endings in your nose are especially sensitive and will send a message to your brain when they sense something foreign in your nose or nasal passage. Your brain then closes your throat, contracts your chest and closes your eyes and mouth all at once and, just as quickly, tells those muscles to relax; forcing air, mucus and saliva out of your nose and mouth. The hope is that the force behind all that air will clear out your nose of the foreign invader. There is no conclusive scientific study on why certain people sneeze in batches of two or three, or a million if you’re my father. However, there is conclusive science that says (for a ton of people wondering, apparently) that your eyes do not pop out if you happen to sneeze with them open, and also, your heart absolutely does not stop for any amount of time. That would be crazy.

What happens when you smoke weed?

Depends on who you ask.

Isabel is a Mexico City native and current Brooklyn dweller, stands about 5-feet tall and gets really mad when her girlfriend stores the olive oil on a high shelf. She's a documentary filmmaker by day and expert quesadilla architect by night. She runs a small production company with her brother and has worked with Paper Magazine, A&E, History Channel, Bon Appetit and The New York Times. You can find some short, dry sentences on her Twitter and her fauxtography on Instagram. She's a mediocre bowler.

Isabel has written 12 articles for us.

14 Comments

  1. What happens when you smoke weed?

    It depends on if it is an Indica or Sativa strand, how much you consume, and if you had any other drugs/ alcohol.

    Pretty much you get a nice buzz. Sleepy sometimes. HUNGRY! If you never cooked, you will be hungry enough to try to cook. You will be lethargic. If you are like me, you will hold on to the carpet for dear life because you don’t want to float to the ceiling of your apartment. It will either make Dane Cook funny (he isn’t at all) or it will make you more pissed at him for not being funny. It might get you in the mood too. One time it got me very aroused and I thought it was funny. I couldn’t stop laughing about my clit wanting some. Did I mention laughing a lot. It will make you laugh a lot.

    Not that I smoke often. Hope my mom never reads this.

    • Sativa is the daytime medication and indica is more night time oriented. Indica is also the more I want to sit in the couch, and eat/do nothing vs sativa is more aimed at being active. Me, I’m a sativa diva personally, because I like to be out and about(specially in nature, like a hike hearing waterfalls and birds chirping it’s relaxing, or napping at the beach). Hybrids(also a fan of) on the hand could be the best of both, but that depends on the balance of sativa to indica.

      • A friend of mine gets his stuff from a breeder. He had all sorts of hybrids. One of his best was called Fat Albert I think. I was productive enough to make a five course meal but relaxed enough to tell my tv that I loved her. Great night. ? I wish Texas would legalize it.

        • I think more than a few people wish the same thing. But, wait till you try the legal stuff out of the West Coast or Colorado. My current fav is a hybrid that name skips me at the moment, which has a similar effect(but with a more Sativa biases), and is great for hiking.

          • I tried some of the legal stuff. It was amazing! I was thinking about taking a road trip to Colorado for an herbal experience but I need to save more. Plus I need to make some friends from there so I can enjoy the sights and food!

          • I know Colorado is closer, but may I suggest Southern California for the sun, weather, Mexican food, and Autostraddle writers? I dunno if you saw that show on Vice Weediquette, but so far seen the first two episodes and it’s pretty legit. First one was about kids using cannabis to treat cancer and such, with the second being about the cannabis laws in Louisiana(your neighboring state) and how fuck up it can be. Worth a watch.

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