Ladies Love Danger, Screech, Zach Morris, Bottoming, Miss America… OR DO THEY?

SBTB: Relive your youthful Saturday mornings in a completely f*cked up way! Riese read this entire article about the 11 Most Scandalous Saved by the Bell Revelations in Screech’s Autobiography and then Laneia read it and then we thought we’d share it with you! Lark Voorhies is still the crowd favorite, I think. Also Neil Patrick Harris dated the guy who ran The Max, they did magic together. Srsly!. The intro is priceless, the rest of the piece is similarly memorable:

This weekend, I read Dustin “Screech” Diamond’s entire autobiography, “Behind the Bell”. And I might be the only person who’s ever done that.

Literally, the only person. I’m fairly sure no editor actually read it cover-to-cover; on page four we get the sentence “Fuck fame. Allow me to tear down your allusions”… and that sets off a book just riddled with spelling errors, punctuation errors, repeated references to craft services as Kraft services and weird line breaks. On two separate occasions, entire paragraphs are actually repeated.

GENDER: Sexually (inter)Active: What is the purpose of “roles” in a sexual relationship? It’s almost like an Autostraddle Roundtable! The Kansan discusses that nagging question, “why does there always have to be a ‘man’ and a ‘woman’ in sexual relationships?” This annoys autostraddle quite a bit, and we’ve touched on that in the What Does a Lesbian Look Like article. It transitions into an in-depth study of gender roles and is quite fascinating. (@the kansan)

MISS AMERICA: Here it is, Your Miss America Open Thread: Sequins! Speeches! Dance numbers! Awkward moments featuring Mario Lopez! Who could ask for anything more? (@jezebel)

TEEVEE: Television: a comparison of Lifetime (where women are in danger) and Spike (where men are dumb): “IN GAL LAND CRIME IS THE DOMINANT FEATURE OF LIFE. IN GUY LAND THE ONLY CRIME IS STUPIDITY.” (@nytimes)

JD: Reviewed: Dave Eggers Remembrance of JD Salinger in The New Yorker, with an awesome comment cut-and-pasted from the New Yorker as it best summarized the writer’s feelings. (@gawker)

LIBRARIANS: Which is the most awesome part of this story about the University of Saskatchewan Library? 1) They have a Collection of Sexual and Gender Diversity 2) It is named for gay librarian Neil Richards, or 3) Neil Richards is adorable: “Richards was initially hesitant when he was approached about the designation; he didn’t want people to think everything in the collection had belonged to him, as is often the case when collections have a person’s name attached. But he eventually agreed.” [Sidenote: This is the dream Rachel has for her entire life.]

DADT: The Pentagon may have sort of kind of started the first step in ending DADT, which is apparently a “special investigation into how the ban can be repealed without hurting the morale or readiness of the troops.” Don’t let your excitement carry you away, because if we see any change at all, it’s not likely to be for at least a year. BUT HEY IT’S SOMETHING.

ACTIVISM: A mysterious man referred to only as “a gay rights activist” (oh wait, his name is Jon Winkleman, I wouldn’t want to use that name either) got all up in Henry Ford Jr’s grill to call the NY Senate candidate out on flip-flopping w/r/t gay rights. He allegedly shouted “Anti-choice, anti-gay, snake oil Harry go away” before being dragged away by security; I don’t know what that means, but it’s super creative! (@towleroad)

MSCL: Winnie Holzman & daughter to pen new series. Holzman made My So-Called Life. This next one looks a little weird but we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. (@blogher)

JEZEBEL: New York magazine lost two high-ranking employees this week, as announcements surfaced that deputy editor Hugo Lindgren would move to the revamped Bloomberg BusinessWeek, while online managing editor Jessica Coen would reenter the Gawker Media world that spawned her, this time as executive editor of the women’s blog Jezebel. (@mediate)

SKINS: Crystal & Riese will be recapping Skins Season Four — check out their first recap of Episode 401 right now! (@autostraddle)

ANGIE/GAGA: Have you heard this rumor yet? The completely crazy yet totally awesome claim that Angelina Jolie is having an affair with Lady Gaga? There is pretty much no reason to believe this is true – the “news source” explains it by saying Angie is openly bi and Gaga is “a rumored hermaphorodite” (WTF?) but it would be so great, amirite? (@showbizspy)

MORE GAGA: And that’s not all! Our cup runneth over with Gaga treats on the internet. FIrst, there’s the stills from the video shoot for Telephone, featuring Lady Gaga and Beyonce inside the “Pussy Wagon” truck from Kill Bill. Then there’s the leaked version of Gaga’s old song “Fooled Me Again, Honest Eyes”: (@ohnotheydidnt)

And also, also, MORE GAGA BAKED GOODS. Yes. Soon these will need their own fix. The Gaga Confectionaries Fix. (@jezebel)

JLO: Jennifer Lopez’s first husband Ojani Noa claims to have a video of her “kissing girls,” and says he “plans on asking her in court if she’s bisexual.” On the one hand, it would be pretty sweet to have Jenny from the block playing for our team, but on the other hand, if everything my exes said about me was taken seriously I would have no friends. (@theadvocate)

BUTTS: Add this to the list of Things That Cause Us To Have Mixed Feelings About American Apparel: they’re holding a contest for “the world’s best butt” in which the winner wins $300 (of AA merch) and eligibility to be AA’s next butt model. You can go to (although if you aren’t a skinny white hipster like the top 120 submissions you might be out of luck) or you can vote on other people’s pictures. Alternatively, you can just the contest page to enter yourselfgo to this website and look at the snarky things they wrote about other people’s pictures. (@asylum)

TILA: There’s never a dull moment in Tila Tequila’s world and she dropped another bombshell this weekend, saying she’s going to adopt two children from Haiti. If you haven’t already seen the crazytown photo of her carrying a plastic baby around town, you should probably just not see it. It’s really sad, you guys. (@radar online)

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Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

Rachel has written 1142 articles for us.

10 Comments

    • This was clearly the best line of the article, and I am surprised it was not posted!

      (And they’ll take over marriage unless you put your foot down. Don’t turn around, there may be a gay guy standing over your shoulder, trying to marry you as we speak. It’s definitely something that’s worth being afraid of and spending millions of dollars to fight against.)

    • Aside from the date rape and the idea of anyone – to say nothing of thousands of women – fucking Screech (I’m sure you’re totes different dude, but you still LOOK like him and everyone of our generation watched the show), I wasn’t terribly scandalized. Youth doing pot and having sex? Nooo! Though I did find the description of the book overall hilarious and a bit sad.

      Plus, Mr. Belding, or Dennis Haskins rather visited my university and he was a TOTAL PERV. Seriously creeeepy. Any illusions we had about our SBTB memories were destroyed then.

  1. Super-helpful and enlightened lesbian cites wikipedia, of all things:

    “In cryptography, snake oil is a term used to describe commercial cryptographic methods and products which are considered bogus or fraudulent…”

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