52nd Annual Grammy Awards: Open Thread, Drinking Game, Lady Gaga Lovefest

1:00 AM: Well that’s all folks! If you were following along, go back ’cause we’ve added a bunch of photos from the night.

Juelz Knowles and Beyonce at the 52nd Annual GRAMMY Awards

12:22 AM: Remember in the beginning, when we were young and Taylor Swift hadn’t won something for no reason? And Lady Gaga was performing? Also does anyone else think it’s quite honestly possible that The Grammys were rigged? People do crazy shit for money it’s the recession! #conspiracytheory IT’S ‘CAUSE LADY GAGA IS QUEER THAT’S WHY YOU GUYS


11:30: JK. We don’t actually care about this stuff. Um, so probs next year if there is a next year, we will not be live-blogging the Grammys. We’re hungover already! Anyhow the most important thing that happened tonight is January ended, and our stats are even better than we predicted!! Just like wyclef said, the future is bright.



Sarah: NO
Laneia:  oh wow<
Sarah:  TOWEL
laneia:  that just happened
Sarah: are you fucking serious
where is kanye
Alex:: nonononono what njust happened
what JUST happened
i was talking about sex ed with ryan and WHAT JUST HAPPENED

11:24: I do feel like the people who are presenting things are getting older as the night goes on

11:15 PM: I just restarted my cable box b/c I feel like it’s going crazy for serious. So in the meantime here are some photos:

11:13: Quentin Tarintino is kidding right

11:10: I’d like to quote Jezebel, re: Maxwell’s performance a few hours ago or whenevs that was (yes, this is the part of the night where we wonder if we’re the only ones who feel the way we feel and begin checking other news outlets, therefore halting the “remain impartial by not reading anyone else’s recap” rule)

And now it’s time for Maxwell. The differences between this set and the Black Eyed Peas set are striking, no? It’s like the Grammys took us out to the club and now they want us to come back to their house for a drink or something.

11:05: I have a lot of feelings about Les Paul, but those feelings are overwhelmed by other feelings, like about feeling like things suddenly got weird/boring. Clearly you people PS DRUNK should be able to handle GREAT MUSIC even at 11pm, but let’s be honest here there is only one thing we want to see at 11pm on an awards show and IT LOOKS LIKE THIS:

11:00: Hey they’re playing a montage of a bunch of classic rock that we love.


10:47: Beyoncè just won something, that’s good i think

Sarah: i la-la-lalove beyonce’s dress
Laneia: she is just precious
Sarah: it’s like she pulled a lady gaga but with her own twist

10:42: Oh Dave Matthews Band. I feel like I’m in college and we’re stoned with a towel under the door so we don’t get in trouble

Keeping in the theme of the night, DMB has an army. A VIOLIN ARMY

10:25 PM: I think we’ve had too much to drink. Also though you guys Andrea Bocelli FTW. That dude just blows away all other humans. fucking opera. Also Mary J Blige obvs. Whatever they just did; we love it. did they win someting?

10:19 PM: I think that Rihanna and Lady Gaga are besties or lesbian lovers ’cause they’re sharing outfits. Rihanna is pretty and she won something and they have a child up there with them.

Sarah: Do rihanna and jay have a previously unknown love child?
Riese: Who is that kid?
what did he win
Laneia: he won cutest kid
i wish all ppl would just randomly take kids up to the stage w/ them
Riese: me too
that would make the show so much cuter

10:14 PM: The fans voted on what song Bon Jovi would sing tonight. Much to nobody’s surprise, Livin’ on a Prayer won, because it is one of the best songs of all time. Totally serious.


10:00 PM: Michael Jackson’s kids are up on stage to accept the award on behalf of their father Michael Jackson. They thank Grandma and Grandpa for their love and support, their fans.  They’re so cute! He sort of had a Sarah Palin moment with saying that Michael Jackson donated to “all the charities,” but you know, he might be right, maybe Michael Jackson did donate to all the charities?

Cutie patooties. That’s all.

9:58 PM: Michael Jackson tribute time!  They’re gonna do “The Earth Song.” Apparently it’s in 3-D, and we missed the memo to pick up 3-D glasses. Sarah and I would like Jennifer Hudson’s boobs in our face but unfortunately we do not have 3-D glasses. JENNIFER HUDSON IS AMAZING.

9:50 PM: Update. Taylor Swift isn’t just singing. She’s singing with Stevie Nicks.

Let’s retrace how we got here, to this moment:

1. Ryan Seacrest says something about Taylor’s incredible strength in telling her story.

Riese: oh i’m so glad taylor is here to tell her story
about growing up rich
with rich parents who loved her
and becoming a star
Sarah: white girl gets famous
Alex: its a fairy tale you guys!
the same exact one you grew up with: the pretty girl wins
Riese: well she wore glasses once

2. Stevie Nicks enters, they begin singing a Stevie Nicks song

Sarah: OMG
that is sacrilege
Alex: uh oh
Riese: omg
Alex: Stevie… why
Sarah: wtf
Riese: Stevieeeee
Riese: you can see how much better stevie is
i think stevie just had to jump in and save her there
did you hear that?
Sarah: yeah because she can actually sing live
Laneia: this makes me sad
Sarah: also taylor can’t reach stevie’s range
so why would you pair them?
Riese: oh no
oh no no no no no

3. Stevie Nicks is now singing backup on one of Taylor’s stupid songs about high school.

Sarah: omg no, stevie is backup on this fucking song
are you kidding me
Alex: taylor… terrible and flat.
Laneia: NO
Sarah: you guys, this is painful
Laneia: this is like watching your grandmother strip
or something
Sarah: ughhhhhhh

9:46 PM: Taylor Swift is singing. Let’s look at the audience!

Look it’s Britney!

Look at Elton John & Lady Gaga!

9:45 PM: I thought we didn’t have to listen to this patriotic bullcrap now that we have that Marxist Homosexual Socialist Radical President Obama. These guys seem nice and earnest and remind me of Lone Star Steakhouse.

9:40 PM: Alice Cooper just called Katie Perry “voluptuous” for no reason. He knows that’s code for “fat” right?

9:26 PM: They’ve put Ke$ha up on stage with a young man who is approximately as old as she is, mentally. Like in the head.

9:21 PM: Jamie Foxx is up there performing. At first it was opera, then it’s Jamie Foxx, now it’s T-Pain. There is just a lot of stuff happening at once and it’s kind of overwhelming.

Sarah: oh. my. god. jamie foxx. why is he dressed like he’s in the prussian army?
Riese: It’s Army Night, that’s the theme
Alexandra: I think auto-tune should win artist of the year

9:19 PM: Every time that Lady Gaga doesn’t win something I feel like it’s November 5th, 2004 all over again. Kings of Leon for Record of the Year, “Use Somebody.” I like that song. Well. I LIKED that song.

9:16 PM: Norah Jones & Ringo Starr! People stand up for Ringo because of The Beatles. The Beatles are like the president and sort of like The Pope. Something weird is happening with the Bobby Darin video, like all the time is off, like we’re in the Matrix.  Okay now that part is over and they are nominating people for Record of the Year.

9:12 PM: Stephen Colbert FTW for The Stephen Colbert Christmas Album!

“Obviously I should thank Jesus Christ for having such a great birthday!”

9:05 PM: I sort of think of country music performances the same way I think of commercial breaks. I mean it’s fine and all, and I like the Dixie Chicks, Dolly Parton, LeAnn Rhimes and “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” but a lot of them are serious Republicans! I get nervous when I think I might be listening to someone who voted for George W. Bush.

Alexandra: new rule: you shouldnt be allowed to perform on the grammy;s if you’re gonna be boring
Riese: yeah if you don’t have fireballs or a piano or an army, get off the stage

8:53 PM: You guys, there actually is a Green Day musical, which I now vaguely recall reporting on when it was initially announce:

Rolling Stone, March ’09: Green Day and the director of Broadway’s Spring Awakening are set to debut a musical based on the band’s 2004 punk epic American Idiot this autumn, the New York Times reports

8:45 PM: We’ve decided to play Fuck, Kill or Marry, except that Killing is MEAN, so we’ve changed it to Fuck, Chuck or Marry.

Alex: Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Pink GO
Laneia: I’m gonna say fuck on all three of those
but if i have to kill someone
Alex: Yeah, you can’t fuck all three laneia, thats against the rules
Riese: That’s what she said
Laneia: LOL
Riese: Fuck-lady gaga, marry-pink, chuck-taylor
Alex: hahahaha!
Laneia: I have to chuck taylor, too b/c she has too many feelings for me. I’m the one w/ the feelings.
So — fuck – pink
Marry – gaga
gaga would probs be super supportive during my feelingsfest
Alex: Same as Laneia, to be honest, its unanimous.

8:42 PM: PINK is performing, she’s being serious but getting ready for Rhythmic Gymnastics.

8:32 PM: Beyonce just broke out of a battle-themed performance of “If I Was a Boy” right into “You Oughtta Know.”  Looks like everyone was inspired by GLEE’s “mash-up” episode.

riese WHAAA
laneia: WHAT

8:27 PM: “This is my first time walking up those stairs to accept a Grammy Award on live National Television!” says Taylor Swift, who already accepted one earlier today that wasn’t on live TV. That’s a LOT of qualifiers! It’s like that girl who’s like “this is the first time we’ve kissed on a rainy night outside of your apartment after I got my new earrings!”

laneia: Listen up kids
That dress is cute.
Alexandra: where is kanye
Riese Probs not invited. That dress is from the Seventeen YourProm issue.
Laneia: Riese it’s cute on her!
Riese: fine.

8:24 PM: They just played a song during the Kristen Bell – whoeverthatguyis introduction that was on The Olive Garden & The Macaroni Grill soundtracks during my employment there, I’m having PTSS. It’s like oh-oh-ayy-oh-ohh – oh-laaaa-di-oh-oh-oh-oh, some old Italian song.

8:16 PM: So is the theme of the show “Broadway”? ‘Cause that would be exciting. Beyonce won for best song but some scheduling d-bag had her in the back preparing for her performance when she was supposed to be up there accepting the award.

8:11 PM: Stephen Colbert has an iPad, has involved his daughter in his routine, and aptly described the show as “famous people congratulating each other.” I think we’re done here.

Laneia: iPad reference
should’ve been in the drinking game
i am filled with regret!

8:07 PM: That was it? Was that it? That was Lady Gaga’s whole performance? Tell me she’s coming back later.

8:03 PM: Lady Gaga & Elton John are doing a duet to “Speechless” with a big factory of orphans performing in the background!

– Lady Gaga

Elton John & Lady Gaga went for a roll in the dirt, Elton John turned Lady Gaga’s dress into an earring, they both went to Princess Sparklepony Land, and then they emerged from the Dark Magic Underworlds to bless us with music like two rag-tag ashen creatures of pop culture.

8:01 PM: THE FAME FACTORY! Lady Gaga is turning all of us into monsters. It reminds me of Oliver Twist, but also of Les Miserables.

7:54 PM: Who are these people? I feel like I don’t recognize anyone except Taylor Swift, who I don’t even like, and Lea Michele, who I actually do know for real and so that doesn’t count, and Lady Gaga, Adam Lambert, and Beyoncè. The rest of these punks are just a bunch of punks! Is there a punk category for the Grammys? That would be hot.

Oh hello! It’s Nicey Nash from Reno 911, one of my favorite shows of all time! I KNOW WHO SHE IS.

Look, it’s The Autostraddle Icons of 2009:

Oh hai Imogene Heap:

7:45 PM – Hi! We’re gonna be covering the Grammy Awards for you! This is the first time we’ve ever watched the Grammy Awards, ’cause they never nominate Ani DiFranco or Tegan & Sara so WHATEVER.

Laneia: What else happens at the Grammys? like, I’ve never watched this in years or possibly ever.
Riese: I’ve never watched it either. I think it’s like a concert.

So keep on this page and refresh, refresh, refresh!

First let’s get to the important part; the drinking game as composed by the team. Which we’ll probs change as the night goes on.

One Drink for:
+ Every time you see a performer from the 90’s who looks good/fresh/not sad
+ Lady Gaga costume change
+ Any gay references whether subtle or overt [yes, Lady Gaga & Elton John duet-ing is a gay reference]
+ Someone describes a Lady Gaga outfit using at least two nouns and/or two adjectives.
+ Shot of will.i.am looking like “a complete d**chebag asshole” a.k.a. any shot of will.i.am
+ Shot of John Mayer in the audience looking “cool” or like he “has feelings”
+ Michael Jackson reference
+ You ask yourself “Who is that guy?” and it turns out to be someone from Jersey Shore
+ Dave Matthews Band sax solo
+ Pink does something gymnastic/acrobatic that makes your thighs hurt just to think about it
+ Smokey Robinson’s face should move but doesn’t
+ Lil’ Wayne, Drake or Eminem grab their crotch
+ Kathy Griffin tells someone to suck it
+ Shot of Beyonce & Jay-Z or Nick Cannon & Mariah Carey looking couple-y

Two Drinks For:
+ Anything that may inspire complaint letters about sexual indecency
+ Lady Gaga Claw
+ Pink wearing electrical tape

Three drinks for:
+ Fred Durst
+ Kanye West interrupting joke

7:00 PM The E! Red Carpet is the perfect example of something we would never watch were it not for our responsibility to dutifully report on groundbreaking events like the Grammys for this fine website. See it’s just really hard right now when so many of us are struggling to make ends meet and get paid work and someone as certifiably irritating as Jay Manuel has a job that probably pays him a lot of money. And I mean look, Ryan Seacrest is only LESS annoying in comparison to Ja.

Ryan Seacrest: “Is that Lady Gaga or is that someone who wants us to think she is Lady Gaga? Because you know — I don’t — you know I don’t even know what she looks like!”

Jay Manuel: “This is art and so I love it.”

6:45 PM: Kathy Griffin is great, why is this girl asking everyone what they eat and how they work out. I’m scurred for her.

Giuliana Rancic: How did you get this body?
Kathy Griffin: Starvation. I’m always hungry and I’m always cranky.
Giuliana Rancic: Well you look good and that’s all that matters.

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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3212 articles for us.


  1. I am very sad that I cannot watch the Grammy Awards and drink along with the rest of you. Please do me a solid and recap Pink’s performance.

    • me tooo. i tried to look at the teevee guide to see if maybe they were airing the grammys, like. randomly, right now. but they are not. trust.

  2. Whenever I see/hear Kesha, I feel dirty and feel the need to shower.
    She violates my senses.

    • I KNOW! I was just thinking that. Weirded me out a bit.

      I died laughing at ” Smokey Robinson’s face should move but doesn’t.”

  3. omg beyoce won tis time…
    where’s kanye?
    why didn’t lady gaga perform bad romance?
    Why am i falling asleep while green day perfoms?
    Shit, wheres my cup?

    There is Not enough liquor for this..

  4. i should confess that i’m drinking at the appropriate times but also at lots of other times in between. i hope that’s not against the rules.

    • I think that means that you just play the game with commitment and dedication. It’s like putting in extra practices before the big game.

  5. Dude, my dad and his wife are out of town being all romantic or some shit, so I’m alone, and this thread + the Grammys + cheesecake is making my night. It’s true what they say: You don’t need friends when you have Autostraddle.

      • No, I’m 24, but a huge loser lol. To be fair, I pay rent, but after my last relationship didn’t pan out, I was apartmentless and have been living here ever since. My dad and I are super-tight, so it’s not like I have a huge reason to move out.

        But high five for living with parents! And hell, high five for babydykes!

    • Also, they’re gone for a few weeks, and so I have a few choices with my empty house:

      a) hold a rager?

      b) have sex with my girlfriend in every room in the house, making it into our nest of lust?

      c) Knitting in the nude?

    • when i saw her in the summer she stopped and did this 5 minute talk to the whole arena about the importance of women supporting and empowering each other and sisterhood! etc, and that why all of her band are female. it was fucking amazing. also seem to remember the keyboard player was well hot.

  6. what’s this i see, pink? is that something resembling white electrical tape? shock me shock me with your deviant behaviour!

  7. Did one of you bitches just say you don’t like Taylor Swift? THATS MY FUTURE EX-WIFE YOU’RE HATING ON.

    I’m leaving now, and I’m not coming back until you apologise.

    *door slam*

    • Dude, I don’t think I could ever actually have sex with her, she looks like she should be on the cover of like, American Girl magazine.

      • It’s ok, we’ll have an arrangement. When I get home after a long day of cheating on her, she will sing me to sleep and then skip off and shag a Jonas Brother.

        Ahhh….domestic bliss.

  8. Dear lord, do all those claws on Gaga’s piano count as drinks? Damn the man. Epic Beyonce crotch grab ftw. Hey look, Pink is up in the air and she’s sopping wet. How does she not puke from spinning that much?

  9. all i could think during pink’s performance once she broke out the crazy gymnast moves was “OMG SHE’S DOING THE SPRINKLER” #dancemoves

    btw all caps indicates excitement! =]

  11. i should be watching.. i think? but i’m playing video games. so this is good because i can read these updates on intermission.

  12. somehow no matter what the black eyed peas wear or do, their performances are always so fucking BORING to me. and awkward. maybe it’s because i think their music is terrible.

  13. Fergie has on a visor. I didn’t get the memo those were back! Crossing fingers for a fanny pack revolution!

  14. Noticeable stage malfunction #1! I don’t know who that is, but that screen thingy knocked her a good one.

  15. I feel like I commented on this 20 minutes ago but it didn’t go through or something. It was about Taylor Swift looking nice and Adam Lambert looking weird though so that’s probably a sign I shouldn’t have said it and now this is my chance to say something else except I’m not actually watching the grammy’s, just casually reading this post.

  16. I feel like after watching every performance I’m asking myself, “Wtf was that?”
    Also, Kings of Leon, record of the year, really?

  17. Am I just out of touch, or has the world gone mad? I’m not understanding a lot of tonight’s decisions.

  18. I don’t get the Ke$ha fad, just me? The way she purses her lips kinda irks me. Doesn’t look like she wants to be there. Then again, this isn’t the most exciting thing in the world, so I can empathize. Zzzz

    • Maybe they had her children in a back room or something? I cannot accept that Stevie Nicks thought this sounded like a good idea.

  19. I kinda love Butch Walker’s Taylor Swift cover, so I was excited to see him onstage, even though the rest of that Stevie/TSweezy thing was a mess.

  20. My new drinking game: Drink when Taylor is off-key.

    Thank the lord she’s sucking so bad, otherwise I wouldn’t be drunk enough to handle how much she’s sucking.

    i secretly still love her, don’t tell anyone…

  21. is it insensitive of me to ask when IT is going to be over….in reguards to Micheal Jackson’s “this is it”

  22. who the fuck has 3D glasses sitting around at home?
    and THERE’S will.i.am looking like a total asshole in his 3D glasses. drinks!

    • Apparently they were at Target.. my sister brought some home… I don’t recommend wearing these things when staring at your computer screen…damn headache…

      and yes, I’m way beyond over “it” even if I ignore everything “it” is.

    • ok umm i do lol but only because i bought final destination in 3D…
      .i may or may not have put them on during that performance…but i have a huge headache right now…

  23. okay guys im out of booze which means that “this is it” for me…
    I cant watch this while i’m half sober.
    i’m pretty sure i can find some, but i rather not risk alcohol poisoning
    although i’m tempted

  24. Is it bad that I got fucking TRASHED watching the Grammy’s in my old room at my homophobic parents’ house (damn you, tequila… just kidding, I still love you)… and I can’t drive home until I sober up… shit…

    Thank god I have you, Autostraddle… otherwise I might think my playing a drinking game alone might be major red flag reading, “Go to meetings, you alcoholic!” But because of you I can deny it a little bit longer :)

  25. I looked away from the TV for a sec and missed finally seeing Gaga in the audience and then had to remind myself that the moment you guys had it you’d post the picture of her outfit. Thanks.

  26. “He sort of had a Sarah Palin moment with saying that Michael Jackson donated to “all the charities,” but you know, he might be right, maybe Michael Jackson did donate to all the charities?”

    I didn’t watch the grammys…but obviously thanks to this (and youtube) I didn’t need to…but that line made me lol the most… k now i gotta finish reading and laughing at this.. one my second fave part was when you guys freak out about stevie nicks betraying you

  27. WTF GAGA WAS ROBBED. i could crap on a piece of toast and come up with a better vocal performance than taylor swift put in earlier and she gets album of the year over gaga? whatever grammys.

  28. Gaga didn’t win album of the year… Grammys, I’m really happy for you, I’m gunna let you finish, but the VMAs had a better show. Just sayin. (I’m sorry, I had to)

    • No! I love Shiba inus. Puppy webcam :)

      A shiba inu should have been on stage with Stevie. That would have been even cuter than Rhianna kidnapping the lil’ Beyoncé relative.

  29. I’m so sad I didn’t get to watch this with you guys. I was eating alligator for the first time… It tastes like chicken. ANYWAY, I just watched it on my DVR, and thank god I did it that way. FAST FORWARD TIMES A MILLION. That was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I skipped over half of it.

  30. can’t believe taylor beat gaga and beyonce, bring back kanye please, she sooooo did NOT deserve to win that award

  31. wait how many drinks did you have for the beyonce crotch grab ???
    or the shot of will.i.am looking douchey..but WITH 3D glasses…. at least i think that was him

  32. So upset that I missed this live thing for my marketing homework.

    Lmao! Smokey Robinson’s face not moving when it should be.

    Alexandra: where is kanye
    Riese Probs not invited. That dress is from the Seventeen YourProm issue.
    Laneia: Riese it’s cute on her!
    Riese: fine.
    Hahah! I’m with Riese.

    The kid was Solange’s son. I hope she’s okay with that.

    Taylor Swift = CRAP.

  33. Eeek, didn’t get the memo!
    Way to make a night of horrible television look like that party I’m sad I missed after I creep on facebook the next day and find that the girl I’ve been stalking showed up, was looking delightfully butch in those cargos with extra big pockets, presumably filled with my regret. Autostraddle ftw!

  34. Pingback: Green Day Musical - Nardu

  35. Also, Colbert has been asking for an Ipad very sternly “I want an Ipad..give it to me” on his show the last couple days..so looks like they gave in

  36. Um, I didn’t watch the Grammy’s and maybe they didn’t make a fuss about Gaga but did about Taylor, I dunno, but Gaga has the same rich white girl background… right?

    • no, she doesn’t. it’s not like gaga rose from incredible adversity or she had a bad childhood or something, but their backgrounds are VERY different.

      anyhow it was more of an issue ’cause Seacrest gave her this intro like she was this triumphant rise and phenom with a real story behind her, I mean, and then she sang “she wears short shorts and I wear sneakers’ or whatvs which pretty much says it all

  37. Thank Christ for the confused puppy. best thing to come out of the grammys except for yanno GaGa/Elton special piano

  38. So I was sitting up thinking about the grammys..and I just realized that michael jacksons kids showed their faces at the funeral and at the awards,

    Now does anyone remember when michael was alive and he felt extreme I mean really extreme at not ever showing his kids faces, he never wanted them to go through any lime light…

    Whoever allowed the kids to do that disrespected mj big time because that was something he was so serious about…

    On another note it goes without saying those are clearly not mjs biological kids, but still his wishes should of been respected

  39. I dont know what Elton is trying to do with his outfit at the backstage with Lady G. I don’t think his attending a Halloween party in January.

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