We knew it might happen – in fact, we knew there was a pretty good chance it would happen – but tonight, while hosting SNL, Kristen Stewart completely outgayed herself.
In the last year, Stewart has become a fantastic, almost mythical character in gay lady circles. She went from being the fidgety, perpetually uncomfortable focus of constant queer-ish speculation to the real-life Shane our community has always deserved. In the last year alone, the notoriously guarded actress went from dating French actress/singer Soko to moving in with her on-again, off-again love Alicia Cargile, to holding hands at fashion shows with St. Vincent and most recently making out in cars with Victoria’s Secret model and former Miley Cyrus paramour Stella Maxwell. It’s safe to say that at this point in her career, Kristen Stewart doesn’t give a fuck anymore.
These are difficult times, gentle reader, and the country’s political climate is so intense (and our current president is so violently opposed to current events-based live sketch comedy) that SNL could not help but begin this evening’s festivities with a pointed message from host and Noted Kisser Of Ladies Kristen Stewart to our own Fearless Leader. She chose this opportunity to directly address a series of batshit insane tweets sent by the current leader of the free world back in 2012 regarding her relationship with sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson. “Donald,” she announced, staring directly into the camera, “if you didn’t like me then, you’re probably not gonna like me now, ’cause I’m like, hosting SNL and I’m like, soooo gay, dude.”
All of her body language was taken directly from Shane McCutcheon’s 2008 New York Times bestseller How To Make Your Awkward Fidgeting Alarmingly Attractive To Literally Everyone. She was later joined on stage by fellow queer heartthrob Kate McKinnon and cast member Aidy Bryant, who attempted to impress Kristen with their aloof badassery. In the middle of explaining that she actually wasn’t a sex-crazed, motorcycle-riding, too-cool-for-school rebel, Stewart dropped an impressive f-bomb on live TV. Kristen, we’ll never get over you.
Later, SNL took this glorious opportunity to turn a typical Totino’s pizza rolls ad into a documentary about what actually happens when Kristen Stewart shows up at your house unexpectedly (essentially Blue Is The Warmest Color with less spaghetti):
We’re all doing great.
“What’s your name? I never had one.”
I ever meet kstew-same.
The only thing better than this news is your coverage of this news. You, Stef, are the orange garnish to this old fashioned. The pita chip to this hummus. The cat tree to this cattery.
/Can we say you are awesome too Alice
alice motes i miss you like the deserts miss the rain.
When I heard KStew was on SNL, my first thought was ‘There is going to be an Autostraddle article about this.’ This did not disappoint.
I’ve been a bad gay and never quite got the Kristen Stewart thing. I get it now. Oh my do I get it now.
same :D
Me tooo
Yup
Yeah
You are not alone. Still don’t like her much as an actress but she seems like a cool person irl. And yes, with the Shane vibe she’s pretty damn hot.
Yess, I texted my friend who’s always been an anti-KStew hold-out and was like, “did you by chance watch the totino’s ad sketch?” and she said “….I may have watched it once. Or twice” so I think it’s fair to say she’s also on board now.
I didn’t get the Kristen Stewart thing until I saw her in the Runaways (as a young Joan Jett). I think she was just terribly mis-cast and overshadowed by overall terribleness in Twilight.
Yup. Right before watching it I told my partner that I don’t get the K Stew thing, and then, um, I changed my mind. She’s pretty adorable.
She was looking VERY Shane in that Totinos sketch.
That was my first thought. She was channeling Shane.
I DIED
Giddy, giddy, this makes me giddy.
Im buying ALL the damn Totinos everywhere hoping Kristen shows up
SNL have hq version of the skit up now:
Godammit. If it doesn’t work this time I give up, but it’s worth the hassle for the HD.
The 12 year old that lives inside of me and watches “The Truth About Jane” in secret and never misses an episode of Ellen and tapes the Rosie O’Donnell daytime talk show just ascended and died.
just wanted to express solidarity as somebody else who also taped all the rosie o’donnell daytime talk show episodes
I recently avoided SNL because even political satire is too exhausting right now – but this… this is everything I needed today!
Now I just need to see a sketch where Kstew and Kate McKinnon become forever gal pals. ?
I knowwwww. I kinda wish Kate was in the Totinos sketch instead!
I think that would’ve decimated 3/4 of our “gal pal” population.
I was hoping for a new Whiskers ‘R’ We sketch
OH MY GOD I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS BUT NOW I NEED IT
Was this kstews first proper coming out in her own words (notwithstanding the press covering her gal pals)?
I had the same question, but she referred to her ex as her “girlfriend”, and spoke about the difference from dating boys in an article in Elle, I think it was.
I’m going to put Kristen Stewart on my vision board
SCREAMING
I never had Totinos but I want it. I want it bad.
As if I needed any more incentive to buy pizza rolls! I have had a crush on Kristen Stewart since 2005. I’m so glad she’s out and living her best life.
Is this also the place to geek out about Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer? Because that was everything.
This episode was an instant classic
This moment would not have been complete without this bow you have wrapped around it, Stef.
What no YOU’RE hung up on an inexplicably awkward-hot lesbothario who would 100% break your heart.
I’ve been doing my best to quit K-Stew and I’m relapsing hard. Must once again take up residence at Kate Moennig’s instagram account to remind myself that more emotionally dependable-seeming women exist and are equally capable of dropping jaws/drawers.
WOULD she break your heart though? Or would you be the only person in the world who knew how often she really smiled?? http://the-toast.net/2015/02/05/kristen-stewart-girlfriend/
That article is as potent now as it was then. Now I will have to re-scrub the image of K-Stew making eggs in boxer briefs from my mind (or just think about it forever maybe) so THANKS FOR THAT REMINDER, LAURA, JEEZ.
Me upon clicking the Totino link: “Please, please let it be available … Nooooo!”
Anyway, that was worth scouting the internet for.
On my phone.At work.
Here’s a geo block free version:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=g6DwZaPqAks
thank you :)
How did I not know about this in advance?!?!? Spending my Sunday morning scouring YouTube for any and all clips I can find. Actually, my wife is looking for them for me because she knows the way to my heart, which is currently a bit broken because I missed watching it in full…
Hulu usually has the whole show to stream.
loving the “this is my job” tag
oh man i was really hoping you guys wouldn’t catch that.
Omg
So Kristen Stewart may have finally won me over after all this tiiime.
I think it was the awkward nervousness that did it for me.
JOIN US
This is the happy gay ending the Totino’s lady and the rest of us deserve
So how long before KStew and Kate are a thing? Who am I kidding, they’re probably already broken up.
I read so hard into their hug at the end when the credits started rolling. Kristen was nervous to do the 2-armed hug with Kate and with no one else. But then she gave in and used both arms ;) definitely a thing.
I DID NOT SEE THIS HUG the YouTube clips didn’t have the hug I want to see this hug
You gotta find the hug. If you have hulu, they have the whole episode.
Hugs:
hopefully that works, if not then: https://www.instagram.com/p/BQHrRPrAJvJ/
WHAT A GOOD HUG
I am fundamentally not cool enough to give OR receive a hug like that.
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
Kate seems like a great hugger. No awkward side-arms here. She means business. Oh, to be squeezed and rocked around in a Kate hug. *sigh*
one
hug
says
so much
i think
she was saying
“from one gay girl to another
way to be gay”
THAT HUG I DID NOT SEE THAT HUG. Thank you, Chashu. Thank you so much.
Every girl who was once a babygay and grows up and says ‘fuck it’ and calls out bullshit and says they’re gay out loud deserves that fucking hug from Kate Mackinnon.
Stef, when I saw this happened last night I just KNEW that you would be all over it today. Thank you, Thank you.
You never disappoint.
Welp, that’s the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
My roomate got all excited last month about his nerd world and my gay one colliding when that Kstew co-authored paper came up. This Totino thing was the most perfect comeback. Got the gay all over the pizza rolls XD
Wait what paper ?!
http://www.livescience.com/57607-kristen-stewart-authors-artificial-intelligence-paper.html That one, I feel certain AS mentioned it somewhere, but I can’t find it :/
Shane swagger aside, how about KStew’s smokin’ bod on Celebrity Family Feud? I’m not an ogling perv or anything, just a lez with peepers is all. Respectfully, of course.
Same. Respectfully.
~*pizza rolls b4 gender roles*~
there is a cute pizza place by my house, Red Sauce, that is queer owned and operated that has that on a sidewalk sign out front. Plus they have really great pizza and a wall dedicated purely to wolf art.
ok portland settle down
My pants are a rainforest now.
Since the totino parody was always critiquing sexism, the added gay made it that much more subversive
Now all they need is vegan pizza rolls, and Totinos will have us all.
Brb going to buy some Totinos pizza rolls in the hopes of summoning Kristen Stewart to my kitchen
Oh Autostraddle, I am so glad that you exist or I would have nowhere or no one that would truly appreciate the magnificence of this.
I’m really torn right now, I have a free Blue Apron box that I need to make, but I suddenly have a strong craving for Totinos…
WHERE IS BRENDA NOW, YOU GUYS!!!!! #neverforget #galpals https://www.autostraddle.com/gal-pal-watch-is-kristen-stewart-single-or-what-312114/#comments
God I love vapid fluff.
That was such a good thread.
Unfortunately, I think she has passed away. Sad that she didn’t get to witness these moments. I would hope that she would be happy for her. After all, she was a big Kstew fan from what I gather from her FB. I found out that she left similar comments in other sites with her FB account, so I’m quite positive it’s her.
I’m sorry.
Brenda would have probably been thrilled to discover that KStew hosted SNL.
Aw man now I feel like a jerk for calling Brenda out! RIP Brenda, thanks for one of the best AS threads of all time.
That was important to read on a Monday morning.
I have never really been a KStew fan girl, but that Totinos sketch made my night. I will forever speak of snack foods in French.
This made my night, and I was gleefully smiling and couldn’t wait for the official vapid fluff report, so thank you! She came out! She looked amazing! I was so jealous of her hair and style! I put up with the general unfunniness that is SNL these days!
I fell in love with Kristen Stewart when the first Twilight came out because of the woman I knew she wanted to become and the woman I knew she could be…last night…..she became that woman
“Et toi? Tu es mon Totino.”
“Et toi? Tu es mon Totino.” Honestly, probably gonna call my wife my Totino from now on.
I can’t even with this. KStew has never been more dazzling.
The duration of this episode is the happiest I have felt in months. Possibly, ever. I want some pizza rolls.
Also: “I wish I was a pizza roll,” -me, every ten minutes since Saturday.
I’ve never been terribly interested in Kristen Stewart, but damn that Totino’s sketch might have made me a convert. I was kind of jealous of Vanessa Bayer at the end there.
“I’m like sooooo gay, dude! I have to say it’s really, really awesome.”
me af
I didn’t even recognize Kristen when she walked into the Totinos scene, I thought it was Kate Moennig. I don’t know if it was the hair or the light filter or what but it was great all over.
Let’s be honest Kristen comes off as havingredients little to no sense of humor and yes also fidgety/shy so I watched thinking it would be a train wreck but it was actually a very funny show and now I see that she can make fun of herself.
I think the Kate Moennig resemblance might have been on purpose, because Kristen seems poised to be the current era’s Shane. Which: god yes, obviously, but also…no, because Kate Moennig is still occupying that throne as far as I’m concerned.
i always thought she looked a little like kate moennig; it was the only thing that kept me in my seat through the first twilight movie.
I have been holding a “yaaaaaaaaaaas” shout in my head and my heart since 11:30 Saturday night when this happened.
My longest yas on record.
As funny as SNL undeniably is, can’t get over the fact that a year to the election, they hosted this orange refuse on their show. Look back, he hosted in early Nov. 2015.
How could they give in to the ratings machine and bring him on their show – NORMALIZING him!
That aside, SNL is funnier than ever, lately.
Guys I am actually here right now commenting on Monday night just because I still can’t get over this SNL appearance. I’m a wreck and my senses are ON FIRE and I just needed to come somewhere safe. I feel like I’m hitting puberty all over again. What is my life? What is anything?
Olivia I’m right there w/ u
I just liked on all 90+ comments on this article
This thread is dangerous to read at work. I snorted so many times, in my pink faced interest of not laughing OUT LOUD. And I almost choked on my coffee.
Those videos are not available in Canada and I am very sad.
@caseythecanadianlesbrarian A fun tip that someone on this very website taught me! You can take any YouTube URL, replace “tube” with “pak”, and bingo, an un-geoblocked video for your viewing delight. Voilà and voilà.
THANK YOU!!! <3
I’m so happy she actually used the word gay.
Mon amour, tes Totinos ont incendié mon âme. Je suis mort.
that totinos sketch tho, it literally kept me from having an nervous breakdown.