Kristen Stewart Is “Like, So Gay Dude” On SNL And We’re All Dead

We knew it might happen – in fact, we knew there was a pretty good chance it would happen – but tonight, while hosting SNL, Kristen Stewart completely outgayed herself.

In the last year, Stewart has become a fantastic, almost mythical character in gay lady circles. She went from being the fidgety, perpetually uncomfortable focus of constant queer-ish speculation to the real-life Shane our community has always deserved. In the last year alone, the notoriously guarded actress went from dating French actress/singer Soko to moving in with her on-again, off-again love Alicia Cargile, to holding hands at fashion shows with St. Vincent and most recently making out in cars with Victoria’s Secret model and former Miley Cyrus paramour Stella Maxwell. It’s safe to say that at this point in her career, Kristen Stewart doesn’t give a fuck anymore.

These are difficult times, gentle reader, and the country’s political climate is so intense (and our current president is so violently opposed to current events-based live sketch comedy) that SNL could not help but begin this evening’s festivities with a pointed message from host and Noted Kisser Of Ladies Kristen Stewart to our own Fearless Leader. She chose this opportunity to directly address a series of batshit insane tweets sent by the current leader of the free world back in 2012 regarding her relationship with sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson. “Donald,” she announced, staring directly into the camera, “if you didn’t like me then, you’re probably not gonna like me now, ’cause I’m like, hosting SNL and I’m like, soooo gay, dude.”

All of her body language was taken directly from Shane McCutcheon’s 2008 New York Times bestseller How To Make Your Awkward Fidgeting Alarmingly Attractive To Literally Everyone. She was later joined on stage by fellow queer heartthrob Kate McKinnon and cast member Aidy Bryant, who attempted to impress Kristen with their aloof badassery. In the middle of explaining that she actually wasn’t a sex-crazed, motorcycle-riding, too-cool-for-school rebel, Stewart dropped an impressive f-bomb on live TV. Kristen, we’ll never get over you.

Later, SNL took this glorious opportunity to turn a typical Totino’s pizza rolls ad into a documentary about what actually happens when Kristen Stewart shows up at your house unexpectedly (essentially Blue Is The Warmest Color with less spaghetti):

We’re all doing great.


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Stef Schwartz is a founding member and the self-appointed Vapid Fluff Editor at Autostraddle.com. She currently resides in New York City, where she spends her days writing songs nobody will ever hear and her nights telling much more successful musicians what to do. Follow her on twitter and/or instagram.

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106 Comments

  1. 1

    The 12 year old that lives inside of me and watches “The Truth About Jane” in secret and never misses an episode of Ellen and tapes the Rosie O’Donnell daytime talk show just ascended and died.

  2. 0

    As if I needed any more incentive to buy pizza rolls! I have had a crush on Kristen Stewart since 2005. I’m so glad she’s out and living her best life.

    Is this also the place to geek out about Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer? Because that was everything.

  3. 0

    What no YOU’RE hung up on an inexplicably awkward-hot lesbothario who would 100% break your heart.

    I’ve been doing my best to quit K-Stew and I’m relapsing hard. Must once again take up residence at Kate Moennig’s instagram account to remind myself that more emotionally dependable-seeming women exist and are equally capable of dropping jaws/drawers.

  4. 0

    How did I not know about this in advance?!?!? Spending my Sunday morning scouring YouTube for any and all clips I can find. Actually, my wife is looking for them for me because she knows the way to my heart, which is currently a bit broken because I missed watching it in full…

  5. 0

    This made my night, and I was gleefully smiling and couldn’t wait for the official vapid fluff report, so thank you! She came out! She looked amazing! I was so jealous of her hair and style! I put up with the general unfunniness that is SNL these days!

  6. 0

    I fell in love with Kristen Stewart when the first Twilight came out because of the woman I knew she wanted to become and the woman I knew she could be…last night…..she became that woman

  7. 0

    I didn’t even recognize Kristen when she walked into the Totinos scene, I thought it was Kate Moennig. I don’t know if it was the hair or the light filter or what but it was great all over.
    Let’s be honest Kristen comes off as havingredients little to no sense of humor and yes also fidgety/shy so I watched thinking it would be a train wreck but it was actually a very funny show and now I see that she can make fun of herself.

  8. 0

    As funny as SNL undeniably is, can’t get over the fact that a year to the election, they hosted this orange refuse on their show. Look back, he hosted in early Nov. 2015.
    How could they give in to the ratings machine and bring him on their show – NORMALIZING him!
    That aside, SNL is funnier than ever, lately.

  9. 0

    Guys I am actually here right now commenting on Monday night just because I still can’t get over this SNL appearance. I’m a wreck and my senses are ON FIRE and I just needed to come somewhere safe. I feel like I’m hitting puberty all over again. What is my life? What is anything?

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