We knew it might happen – in fact, we knew there was a pretty good chance it would happen – but tonight, while hosting SNL, Kristen Stewart completely outgayed herself.
In the last year, Stewart has become a fantastic, almost mythical character in gay lady circles. She went from being the fidgety, perpetually uncomfortable focus of constant queer-ish speculation to the real-life Shane our community has always deserved. In the last year alone, the notoriously guarded actress went from dating French actress/singer Soko to moving in with her on-again, off-again love Alicia Cargile, to holding hands at fashion shows with St. Vincent and most recently making out in cars with Victoria’s Secret model and former Miley Cyrus paramour Stella Maxwell. It’s safe to say that at this point in her career, Kristen Stewart doesn’t give a fuck anymore.
These are difficult times, gentle reader, and the country’s political climate is so intense (and our current president is so violently opposed to current events-based live sketch comedy) that SNL could not help but begin this evening’s festivities with a pointed message from host and Noted Kisser Of Ladies Kristen Stewart to our own Fearless Leader. She chose this opportunity to directly address a series of batshit insane tweets sent by the current leader of the free world back in 2012 regarding her relationship with sparkly vampire Robert Pattinson. “Donald,” she announced, staring directly into the camera, “if you didn’t like me then, you’re probably not gonna like me now, ’cause I’m like, hosting SNL and I’m like, soooo gay, dude.”
All of her body language was taken directly from Shane McCutcheon’s 2008 New York Times bestseller How To Make Your Awkward Fidgeting Alarmingly Attractive To Literally Everyone. She was later joined on stage by fellow queer heartthrob Kate McKinnon and cast member Aidy Bryant, who attempted to impress Kristen with their aloof badassery. In the middle of explaining that she actually wasn’t a sex-crazed, motorcycle-riding, too-cool-for-school rebel, Stewart dropped an impressive f-bomb on live TV. Kristen, we’ll never get over you.
Later, SNL took this glorious opportunity to turn a typical Totino’s pizza rolls ad into a documentary about what actually happens when Kristen Stewart shows up at your house unexpectedly (essentially Blue Is The Warmest Color with less spaghetti):
We’re all doing great.